Today we’re going to address something alarming that I’ve been noticing over the past few years and that’s when you work really hard to get your ex back, succeed, but then go through another breakup.
Now for many of you reading, this may be the most devastating occurrence to happen, especially after you put all this hard work into getting your ex back. It may feel like all of your efforts were useless or it just isn’t meant to be.
Today I want to address why this happens and how you can avoid it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy So Many Breakups Happen Again (After You Just Got Back Together)
If you’ve read any of my previous articles, watched my youtube videos, or followed my podcast, you’ll know that I love interviewing success stories and discussing effective trends for getting an ex back.
However, I’ve actually been accused of painting an overly positive picture of my success stories.
People have even accused me of hiding things about the success stories.
Here’s the thing though – no relationship is perfect, especially not one that was recently broken up. I don’t usually address what happens after people get back together with their exes because getting to that point is hard enough, but here’s the truth:
Approximately 50% of our success stories go through another breakup within three months after getting their ex back.
That’s right, this includes all the success stories I interviewed and people who seemingly did everything right in getting their ex back.
In fact, I actually conducted two success story interviews a few years ago with a client of mine who got her ex back,
And then once she got him back he broke up with her again (only to beg for her back later.)
So, while others maybe accuse me of hiding things about success stories I feel like I’ve been pretty adamant about showing people what often happens when you get your ex back.
This isn’t really a big secret because this trend has stayed consistent pretty much throughout my career.
Does This Mean That My Strategies For Getting An Ex Back Don’t Work?
No, it simply means that getting an ex back and building a healthy new relationship with them are two very different things.
Most couples that break up again after getting back together experience this because they did not properly address, fix, or move on from the issues that caused their breakup in the first place.
So you can basically implement all the techniques of getting your ex back like the no contact rule, the value ladder and value chain of conversation, etc, but if you don’t talk about or try to resolve the reason for the breakup you’ll eventually end up back with the same problems.
It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Now this will obviously take a while because you’ll be in the honeymoon phase immediately after getting back together.
So even if a relationship seems good when you get back together, don’t assume it’s automatically going to stay that way.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnother important thing to remember is that you might address the problematic behavior for a little while after getting back together but it takes a lot more dedication and consistency to avoid slipping back into old habits.
A really interesting story about my childhood comes to mind here that always stayed with me and has helped me understand people’s psychology a bit more too. I grew up in an amazing household with loving parents. My dad was actually the Human Resources manager for the entire McDonald’s corporation in the city of Houston, Texas.
Houston’s a big city so there was always a lot of overseeing, hiring, and conflict resolution for my dad to do.
Sometimes my dad would travel on-site to different locations to address behavioral issues or interpersonal conflicts and he noticed a trend across almost all locations:
Regardless of what advice he gave or what action he took, employees would always slip back into their problematic behaviors sooner or later.
I didn’t really think that this concept of regression to the mean would apply to my practice at ex-boyfriend recovery when dealing with success stories but boy, was I wrong.
We started seeing that whenever couples got together after a breakup they were super excited and cruising in the honeymoon period but as soon as that wore off, there was a regression to the mean.
Old negative habits started coming back, the same arguments were made over and over, and no fundamental changes happened.
How To Avoid Breaking Up Again If You Got Back Together?
Apart from the obvious answer of actually addressing the cause of the breakup, I only have one tip for you today, but this one tip may very well be the most important thing you’ll ever hear from me about keeping a relationship alive.
This tip actually comes from another website I founded – marriagerecovery.com.
If you’ve never heard of it, don’t worry about it. I haven’t given it as much time as I would’ve liked to because I made a conscious decision to not spread myself too thin and only focus on ex-boyfriend recovery and ex-girlfriend recovery.
Anyway, I founded marriagerecovery.com about four or five years ago because I wanted to dabble in all spaces of the relationship recovery concept.
Troublesome marriages can be just as traumatic (if not more) than breakups in relationships so I wanted to help people revive their marriages.
In fact, the very first article I wrote for marriage recovery was about how to save a marriage.
And honestly, if you look at that article even to this day, it is one of the best things I have ever written.
I talk a lot about what’s working in the world to keep marriages and existing relationships strong.
You know, you get the usual advice like spending more alone time together, making sure you’re using the right tone of voice, and making sure your body language is correct, but what was most fascinating to me was something that I came across called the Golden Ratio.
The golden ratio basically speaks about the ideal 5 to 1 ratio of kind acts to negative encounters that is necessary for long and healthy relationships/marriages.
Now, anyone who’s bought my ex recovery program will notice that the very last modules of my course aren’t congratulatory “pat yourself on the back” kind of chapters, they’re actually addressing the issue of people breaking up after getting back together.
I talk about different techniques to follow if you want your relationship to survive and the golden ratio is one of my favorites in there.
The golden ratio really just boils down to kindness.
Essentially what you’re looking to do is be kind to your partner and them, in turn, being kind to you.
Here’s an excerpt from my article about this on marriagerecovery:
“One interesting finding is that couples who practice kindness in relation to how they interact with each other and do so at a ratio of five to one five kind acts versus negative encounters have a remarkable 87% success rate in marriage. That is how powerful the act of being truly positive in marriages can impact your life.”
Now on the surface, it seems simplistic and easy, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAll you have to do is be really nice to your ex or new boyfriend/girlfriend five times for every negative interaction!
Well sorry to burst your bubble but it’s not as simple as you think. In fact, I can bet that if you try to try to tally up five kind things you did for your partner today you’d struggle coming up with them.
I’m not saying I’m perfect at this either. I recently tried to count kind acts I do for my wife and I could only think of one – getting lunch for her. So all of us, including me, need to step up our game and take conscious responsibility for going that extra step for our partners.
Now over the years, I’ve concluded that we humans are selfish creatures, yet we want people to think we’re selfless… see the paradox here? This is why it’s incredibly important to hold each other accountable for your golden ratios.
I suggest taking time out at the end of every day, via text or in person, to really talk about the kind things you and your partner have done for each other. Make a game or habit of it and you will see your relationship change for the better!
And don’t worry if you both cant name five kind acts right off the bat – most of us cant. Just try to be consistent in this habit and before you know it you’ll both be kinder to each other throughout the day!
Conclusion:
People usually break up after getting back together because they never truly addressed the cause of their breakup.
You need to work on and move past the problems so they don’t come back and ruin your new relationship.
An incredibly effective piece of advice to maintaining a healthy relationship is to always strive to maintain the golden ratio of kindness –every unkind/negative encounter must be balanced with 5 kind acts.
Lavs
January 9, 2021 at 6:21 pm
Hi,
I got back together with my ex like aftr 4months of break up. Since them he was in constant contact with me and said he loves me but did not get committed to me. When I asked he said he needs time. Meanwhile we did have issues because of long distance relationship and his non commital attitude. I am short tempered and hence I fought saying I really didn’t mean anything to him. Later after hrs I said I wanted space so as to resolve the issues. But now I think something is off and he doesn’t speak like before. Do I have any chance of geting back together? I m just afraid that I lost the chance at all! Or should I jus move on..?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2021 at 7:04 pm
Hi Lavs you can follow the program and use this time to work on yourself understanding what needed to change in your relationship is half the battle. Working through the articles on this website to help you understand how you should be reaching out to your ex and when to get him interested in talking to you again and investing his time.
Catherine
November 22, 2020 at 12:14 pm
Hey, so I am a constant here, the fact that this website has helped me more than anything else, and I will always be thankful for that.
I followed the basic steps provided on your website after my breakup and boy did it work after a couple of months. After my breakup with my boyfriend of nearly two years this March, he came back to talk to me in July and suggested we work on our issues together and make things work between us. Like we weren’t really dating to be exact but just trying to work things out, stay exclusive, meet up( I actually stayed behind in the same city as his and got a job here just so that our chances of setting things right don’t screw up). He was being all that he was before after the patch up and I was certainly very happy.
Things started getting downhill again as the same issues as before,( he accused me of being insecure and really impulsive while I accused him of being really secretive) started to creep in.
Fast forward to a week back, we had a fight, it wasn’t even a terrible one, and he just snapped back to his former self where he became really distant. When I talked to him, he told me a major chunk of what he felt for me has vanished because of these issues. He told me he doesn’t know if he even wants to be with me anymore. That shit hurt big time. I suggested it might be because of the fact that we haven’t had sex since a really long time because of the whole covid scenario and maybe the lack of physical intimacy was to be blamed. He told me he is still very much physically attracted to me and would not mind the sex but for him, it will be just sex, no feelings involved as of now.
We met yesterday for brunch and he told me he needs some time out to think about all this. He told me outright that maybe the distance might make him realize my absence .
My question is, what should be my course of action here. He still texts me asking me if I’m okay after all this or not. I don’t know if I should fall back into no contact or should I stay in touch with him. Since it is a fallout after patching things up, do you think it’s worth it to wait for this person and work on getting things right with him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 13, 2020 at 8:06 pm
Hi Catherine, so yes it is if you think you can work on yourself – work on your insecure side. Attempt to work out your attachment style and also your exes so that you can understand what sort of person they are in a relationship. If you feel that you cannot trust your ex however, then I would suggest you consider moving on as this is something that is essential for a happy relationship.
Shell
November 14, 2020 at 8:25 pm
Hello,
My ex and I were together for a year, broke up for 5 months and got back together officially a couple weeks before he went away on army tour for 8 months!
Everything was great when we got back in contact, discussed everything moving forward and this was a new relationship etc but he did want to take it slow. Unfortunately due to the timing we did speed things forward a little but so we could spend time together before he left. Now he’s split with me again 2 months later with him saying it was the honeymoon period and now reality has kicked in, not sure how he feels, nothing is going to change from the past etc.
We had jointly planned for me to fly out and see him early November as he was saying he couldn’t wait longer etc then closer to the time he made several excuses that I wouldn’t be able to see him / busy etc and that it was needy and he needed space.
I feel like we didn’t get to spend enough time together before he went away and the distance has messed with his head overthinking past things and lost sight of the future and how happy we both were back together. We were planning on a house when he got back and whilst he’s away he’s done great with saving for this. Because he was feeling unsure I tried to give him space so we were going several days at a time not talking (during this time I found him on a dating site which he doesn’t know.. but clearly was seeking some external validation from others). Then I received a “normal” basic text which I didn’t respond to as I felt like I was being picked up and dropped whenever he felt like! As I didn’t respond then followed his break up text and I did not respond and have not messaged since essentially I’ve ghosted.
I’m unclear how to go about this and if to do 21 days or 30 day no contact. But I fear he’s lost his feelings as during our 5 months apart he was just getting over me and then I came back.. I feel like the 2 weeks together before he went away was not enough to have solid foundations. I also don’t think a normal kind of text first of all is going to work and maybe I need to address why I disappeared. I don’t know.
Any help would be appreciated x
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 4, 2020 at 9:37 pm
Hi Shell no do not explain why you disappeared, he broke up with you and you accepted it without replying to him. I do think you are right that being back together two weeks before he left is not going to have helped build a solid foundation for a long distance relationship that is not used to being so. With him already on dating sites, I would suggest that you make yourself a similar account so that he can see you are also dating others now. Work on yourself and read the articles about being Ungettable where he regrets losing you.
Sarah
November 11, 2020 at 11:46 pm
My ex and I broke things off 6 months ago because his mom was sick and we were having issues that he couldn’t handle. I kept in touch because I wanted to be there for him and he told me that he really appreciated it. She passed away and he’s been in mourning for the past 2 months. We went out once recently and he was acting weird and distant when we were alone. But he was having fun and flirting at the venue. Afterwards, when I asked what’s wrong, he said we weren’t right for each other and this isn’t what he’s looking for but wouldn’t give me a reason why. Are we over for good? Or is he just grieving? Am I supposed to try no contact? Or just give up and move on?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 12, 2020 at 6:14 pm
Hi Sarah, I am sure I have answered you before, if not then I apologise. It sounds more as if he is unsure how he feels right now. Grief is an awful thing to go through each and every one of us handles it differently. If he needs be alone right now then that’s what he needs. You can keep in touch and follow the program with the texting phase after you have completed your No Contact to allow some time to pass.
Lou
November 2, 2020 at 3:40 pm
Hi, my ex and I broke up in march in good terms but before the summer he told me that we should stop talking for some time so that I can heal from the breakup. He also told me that he wouldn’t be the first to contact me again and that we wouldn’t speak again until i was over him.
So this is what happened, i didn’t contact him and he didn’t contact me either during the whole summer. He met a girl during his holidays and they started dating right away. But as soon as he left her i noticed he started stalking me on instagram (like watching all my stories with another account since he unsubscribed with his personnel account, and i have the password of the account so i also noticed he was only watching and searching for my account).
Flash forward to september, he started texting me again and we talked almost everyday although i made it clear i wasn’t over him yet. But he texted me nonetheless, talking subtly about when we were together, sending me my favorite music, even the occasional sex jokes…
But he went back to his girlfriend from this summer since he went on holidays recently and i can’t help but notice that she looks a lot like me and apparently she has kinda the same personality… He told me he loves her and that maybe i am the love of his life but he doesn’t realize it yet, but that if it was the case he would realize it one day or another, but i can’t help but think that he doesn’t really love her, and that she is a rebound relationship (they got together super fast and after all he only sees her during the good moments).
I am convinced he is the one and that is a feeling i can’t explain, i just know… What do you think I should do (apart from a no contact i’ve already begun)?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 2, 2020 at 8:33 pm
Hi Lou, so you should work on yourself, show on social media how you are living your life and read articles about the being there method if you still want him back while he is with this other girl.
Sarah
November 2, 2020 at 11:00 am
My ex and I ended things 6 months ago because his mom was ill. She passed away and he’s been in mourning the past few months. We went out recently and then he said he doesn’t think it’s right. What does that mean? Are we over for good? Or is he just in mourning?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 2, 2020 at 8:21 pm
Hi Sarah, it sounds as if he could still be struggling to deal with what he is going through. Losing a parent can affect people for a long time, if you want to get this ex back you can follow the program but you are going to have to be super patient while he grieves
Jane
October 30, 2020 at 11:45 am
How much should you communicate while on a break?
My partner (32M) and I (29F) went on a break this week. We’ve been together for over 3 years. He said he needed to think about the future and whether he can see us working long term. I don’t claim to be perfect, and we have had some arguments during covid/lockdown. But nothing that I thought was a deal breaker. He also told me he was battling depression and anxiety right now.
He also told me that my insecurity has been a problem for him but that he never brought it up because he didn’t want to cause an argument. I have had some rough conversations with myself about why I’m insecure – stems from past trauma in my life – and I have done to therapy about it. I told him about these revelations and that I went to therapy. I also think he is scared about the future… he still lives at home is almost finished with grad school and we have been talking about marriage. I worry that I pressured him too much, but all I wanted to know was that he wanted that in the future too. I worry that he is scared about being about to provide (even though I have a job and take care of myself), moving out of his parents home, etc.
I texted him on Monday, just telling him good luck on something he had on Tuesday, but told him I was still giving him space. He said that he was happy I reached out and that there weren’t any restrictions on communication. He said he still wasn’t sure about things and that we both needed time to heal and focus on getting better individually. But I’m still wondering… how much should I be communicating with him on this break?
I ultimately want and hope that we can work it out and want to get him back – but not sure what the best way to do that is. Should I text him every once in a while or go no contact?
Also wondering if sending sexy or suggestive texts or actually having sex is a good or bad thing in this situation?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 3:19 pm
Avoid sexting when on a break, you need to allow your boyfriend some space while on a break so that they can miss you! You need to allow him to reach out to you most of the time if you want him to come back he needs to feel that you are already distant. 100% NO SEX if you are on a break.