Today we’re going to talk about how to “prove” you deserve a second chance. Of course, I put the air quotes around prove because if you do what I suggest correctly you won’t have to prove anything. You’ll just “be.”

Hopefully that makes sense. Anyways, here’s my five step method to getting a second chance with your ex.

1. Identify Your Attachment Style Vs. Your Exes
2. Begin Building Secure Habits During A No Contact Rule
3. Get To A Place Emotionally Where You Are Ok Not Wanting Your Ex Back
4. Start Asking Why Instead Of What During The Value Ladder
5. Acknowledge It Will Take Some Time

Let’s dive in and discuss.

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Step #1: Identify Your Attachment Style Vs. Your Exes Attachment Style

My first thought when I decided to write this article revolved around attachment styles. I suppose it’s the phrasing of the keyword. I’m not a big fan of “proving” you deserve a second chance with an ex.

It insinuates you did something wrong when the reality is that it takes two to tango in relationships.

It also strikes me as a common thought many of our anxiously attached clients would have.

They’d think they did something wrong in the relationship without failing to see the full picture. More on that in a second. First things first, I think before you do any “proving” to an ex that you deserve a second chance we should discuss attachment styles.

Specifically what yours is versus your exes.

The Attachment Project has a great free quiz that you can take to help you figure out where you fall on the spectrum. I took the liberty of filling the quiz out to show you what my scores look like,

Basically, according to my scores it showed that I’m a dismissive avoidant which means that I’m very independent and self-sufficient. I’ve learned to rely on myself and not on others. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want to have relationships. It’s just that the dismissive characteristics get in the way some time of fully reaching my potential.

Though my wife might argue with the assessment above I find that in most of the breakups we encounter on Ex Boyfriend Recovery our clients tend to veer towards more anxious attachment styles while their exes tend to be more avoidant like me. This was proven in a recent poll I conducted in our private facebook support group,

So, the reason I bring this up is weirdly because of the phrasing of the article.

Usually thinking you need to “prove” you deserve a second chance is a very anxious thought. As if you’re insinuating that you are completely at fault for the breakup and even if you were technically a big reason for the breakup it’s never that black and white in relationships.

From an attachment style perspective you should always be working towards evolving or maintaining a secure attachment and I think that’s the first step towards getting a second chance with an ex.

I’ve talked in the past about attachment gravity and how those with secure attachments almost have this gravity to them. They pull others with insecure attachments towards them and alter them beyond recognition so slowly but surely they are no longer insecure.

So, your first step at getting a second chance with an ex doesn’t start with saying the “right thing” but rather living the right way so that you become that secure attachment that they will be drawn towards.

Step #2: Begin Building Those Secure Habits During The No Contact Rule

I wrote an article yesterday where I argued the merits of practicing secure habits throughout your daily life so that you can become a more secure individual.

This graphic from the Gottman Institute backs my thinking up. It’s about identifying your insecure/anxious tendencies post breakup and turning them into secure healthy habits but no one ever talks about the timing of when to start this.

So, step one taught us the macro point of view when it comes to “getting a second chance.” With this step we’re going to go a bit more micro and talk about integrating secure healthy habits in the midst of a no contact rule.

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First things first, what’s a no contact rule?

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

Generally that period of time lasts anywhere from 21-45 days. Though I think what really sets my version of no contact apart from our competitors is that we try to encourage our clients to use it to focus on themselves.

This is part of those healthy secure habits I keep talking about.

Above I mentioned that most of our clients tend to be anxious and one of the trademarks of an anxious individual in a relationship is how they spend their time. I’ve found that they literally spend 90% of their time focused on their ex and that comes in many forms,

• Thinking about them
• Stalking them on Facebook
• Instagram
• Trying to win them back
• Trying to convince them that it was a mistake to leave

One of the major benefits of our version of no contact is that it allows us to reorient our clients so that they have better time management skills and discipline when it comes to focusing on themselves.

And that leads us to our next step.

Step #3: Get To A Place Emotionally Where You Are Ok Not Wanting Your Ex Back

Perhaps the great irony of the work I do in helping people through breakups is that no matter their end goal the path is almost always the same.

In 2020 I did 20 hours of interviews with our success stories.

My goal was simple, I wanted to find out exactly what worked in recovery from breakups. Now, most of our clients view a recovery based on their ability to win an ex back so those are the individuals I ended up interviewing.

The one big takeaway was so simple that I was a little disappointed. It’s kind of like going on some massive voyage expecting to find a new continent only to have gone in a complete circle and winding up where you started.

Are you ready for the takeaway?

The big thing I learned is that if you can get to a place emotionally where you outgrow your ex you can dramatically improve your odds of getting them back.

In hindsight it makes complete sense. What would a secure person do after a breakup?

• They would allow themselves the time to grieve the loss.
• They would pick themselves up and carry on with their lives

And since most of our clients exes have avoidant attachment styles (like me apparently) what becomes fascinating is their grieving process.

In this video,

I make a really interesting connection between when avoidants begin to miss their exes as opposed to when anxious styles miss their exes.

The avoidant won’t miss you until they feel safe missing you and that doesn’t typically happen until there’s no chance of ever reconnecting. ONLY THEN will they begin to have nostalgia and think about the good times.

Essentially what happens is that by getting to a place emotionally where you’re kind of blasé about getting back together you touch that secure mentality and quicken the process of having an avoidant ex think you’re over them and in turn can speed up their own nostalgia process.

Step #4: Start Asking Why Instead Of What

Thus far we’ve only really talked about macro strategies like,

• Time management
• Habit tracking
• Discipline
• Mentality

But if you want to reconnect with your ex macro strategies can only get you so far. Eventually you have to be willing to master micro strategies as well and one of those strategies revolves around how to create desire within a conversation.

Take a look at this graphic,

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This is our famous value ladder and it serves as your roadmap for your second chance with an ex. Pretty much everything we’ve talked about so far happens here,

It’s before you begin that you need to have the right mindset. It’s during the no contact rule that you begin to build those secure habits but again, those are macro ideas. The micro ideas really start occurring here,

Here,

And here,

Now, most of the time when people ask me a question about how to build desire within these areas I’ll tell them that they need to have more meaningful conversations but meaning is hard to quantify.

It wasn’t until I stumbled across this video on YouTube that an idea triggered for me,

The problem with most of the conversations we have with people is that we’re asking “what” instead of “why.” I’ve gone on and on throughout the history of this website why it’s important to ask your ex open ended question because those are more likely to create a dialogue and that’s part of the problem with asking “what” instead of “why.”

For example, what is your favorite food?

Chicken Fried Steak…. The conversation is over.

Compare that to.

Why is it your favorite food?

It reminds me of home and some of the memories I had of my father taking me out to eat before he’d take us to a baseball game.

Which answer do you think garners a better connection?

Start asking your ex “why” so they can talk about the thing that they really want to talk about, themselves.

Step #5: Acknowledge It’s Going To Take Some Time

I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery in 2012 and had some very ridiculous notions on how long it would take to “win” an ex back. So ridiculous in fact that I was literally under the assumption it could be done in 30 days.

In fact, a lot of people in this industry will argue that it’s possible to get an ex back that quickly.

Experience and research has taught us something different.

Our average success story happens an average of 5.2 months after our clients begin working with us.

Again, that’s an average and may not reflect reality. Someone could have been treading water for months after a breakup before they come into our orbit and we can give them the tools and encouragement to succeed.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Here’s my point.

Realistically if you want to go the route of getting a second chance with an ex it’s going to take some time. Preparing you for that ahead of time is going to do wonders for managing your expectations.