Today we’re going to be talking to CJ, who is one of the success stories from our program. She has one of the more interesting stories because not only did she get her ex boyfriend back but her ex husband came back as well.

So, if you are interested in learning about,

• How to get an ex husband back/ex boyfriend back
• How her ex husband used ex recovery program tactics on her (and how they still worked)
• Why it’s important to allow someone to miss you instead of trying to make them miss you
• Then you definitely came to the right place.

Let’s get started.

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Learn How CJ Got Her Ex Boyfriend & Husband Back

Chris Seiter 0:00
Awesome. All right. Today we’re going to be talking to CJ, who has quite an interesting story. She’s one of the more recent success stories that we’ve had in the Facebook group. And we’re just going to be sitting here and asking her questions about how she was successful in sort of reuniting with her ex. But first things first, how are you doing CJ?

CJ 0:21
I’m doing good. How are you doing?

Chris Seiter 0:24
You know what I’m not doing so great. To be honest with you, I just found out I’m going to need a major knee reconstruction surgery the other the other day, so that kind of put a damper on my happiness a little bit. So while you’re running? Yeah, so I basically ran 10 miles a day on a broken kneecap, which, apparently is not a good idea. So yeah, so um, besides that, we’re talking about you not so much me. So why don’t you take me back to kind of like the beginning here and sort of clue us in on your situation.

CJ 0:58
Um, I do have a unique situation. So I actually joined ERP to get a person back that day, and I was very much in love with. But in the process of that, I decided I didn’t want him back. And another very unlikely ex did come back to me it was someone actually, I dumped but and I didn’t want him but he actually used ERP style tactics on me to get me back, which is hilarious, because I know he didn’t have he didn’t do ERP. But yeah, it’s kind of he was very, I never wanted him back. So it’s actually funny. That that’s how it worked out. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 1:43
So you know, what’s really interesting about what you just said, I’ve noticed from just interviewing lots of people, the one of the more interesting things that happens when you try to like, like this, the old adage, when you’re trying to get this one ex back, it’s the other ex that you didn’t want to come back that actually comes back, I find that happens a lot. But in your case, it seems like it happened. And now you’re happy with that person?

CJ 2:09
Yeah, the relationships actually a lot better than it was before. I mean, he did a lot of things to change and make himself better. And I also grew with myself, I made myself better. And I think that’s why our relationship is a billion times better than it was before. It’s not even the same relationship. It’s like, we’re not even the same people. Which is great. So

Chris Seiter 2:35
yeah, I mean, obviously, you want to improve when you sort of get back together, so that relationship can survive. But let’s go back. So you’re so you are trying to get this ex back. And obviously, you did something, you put something out into the universe that somehow attracted this other egg. So why don’t we like talk about that stuff?

CJ 2:55
Yeah, I’m so in the process of, you know, trying to get this other guy back. And ironically, he actually has been messaging me like crazy now, like this other ex, you know, it’s like, you know, he’s like, I want you back or, like, the time has passed, dude, I’m sorry. Um, but I just started working on me. I started just realizing that I had a very anxious attachment style. And I was very worried about my, I think I had a big ego issue. I didn’t like to be dumped. I didn’t like someone leaving me. And so I just started working on that, and learning how to call my emotions. I read a lot of books, listen to a lot of podcasts. And then I kind of just kind of practice that and learn how to let go of things. Like I would just like internalize and think, Okay, why do I feel this way? Why is this emotion happening? And I think that helped me kind of build up who I was, and make myself feel better about the situations and I use this a lot in the group, I say, you know, flip the script. So if I, like, for instance, you know, I was always worried when this ex was with, you know, the girls like, oh, this other girl is better than me. But then I was like, no, no, I’m gonna flip the script now. And I, a girl in the group actually use this mic. Example. And it really made me feel good, but was like, No, that girl’s just a bandaid. I’m way better than her. He’s just using this other girl to make himself feel better because he misses me so much. And so, you know, it was like kind of a nice way to make myself feel better, but it might be true. I don’t know could be true.

Chris Seiter 4:39
I think it might have been true especially if both exes have kind of come back. What’s interesting is you mentioned you had kind of like this anxious attachment style. And what I what I’ve been really looking at lately is sort of the coupling of the anxious person and the avoidant person. Do you feel like what’s I mean, we’re kind of have a well have information here. So you have this X that you’re trying to get back. And then you have the x that you actually got back and it’s like snowballed. So now that you got the x that you quote, unquote, didn’t want back, the x that you did want back has come back. So ironically, it’s only when you got the x that you didn’t want back and you’re like, Okay, I want this person now. And I don’t want that x, that x actually came back. Well, it’s like, it’s, you know, it’s all crazy. But I’m interested, would you would you say you classify their attachment styles as more avoidant? When paired with your anxious attachment style?

CJ 5:34
The one I was trying to get back most definitely wasn’t avoided. Okay. I mean, a lot of things he would say were very. Now when I look at it, I mean, before I was taking it personally, like, oh, it’s against me, hates me. But then now I go back, and I look at some of those text messages and go, Oh, he’s doing that to push me away, because he’s avoided. He’s feeling insecure in himself. And this is his way of dealing with it. The person with now I, I think he was has always been pretty secure. So maybe, I don’t know. I mean, like, when we before we used to fight, he would need to, like have space and be gone for like a week or two. And, you know, and I would freak out and watch chase him, but he always like came back to me. So I feel like he maybe had some avoidant tendencies, but not major ones where he could handle my anxious attachment where the other one couldn’t. Does that mean? Yeah,

Chris Seiter 6:31
no, no, it totally makes sense. And I think it’s best to look at the attachment cells. There’s almost like percentages, because I think it’s really like you like you can easily make a blanket statement of this person’s fully an anxious person, or this person’s fully an avoidant person or fearful, avoidant, or dismissive or whatever. But I actually think we all have kind of different percentages in which we sort of lean and veer towards so even like a secure person can have moments where they’re anxious or avoidant, but they’re mostly secure, potentially what you had, there’s maybe a secure person that had a little bit of avoidant tendencies and attachment styles are kind of fluid, they can change based on who we’re with and the types of situations that we’re in. But what’s fascinating to me, is usually when I see anxious people partnering up with avoidant people, the anxious people, they’re just like, really great problem solvers. So anytime the avoidant person does something they perceive as a slight, they feel like they have to fix it. Do you feel like that was that’s pretty spot on with how you would handle like, let’s let’s just focus on the initial breakup with the ex that you wanted back initially. Do you feel like that was kind of how you were handling situations and when you’re anxious? style? Oh,

CJ 7:43
absolutely. I mean, if he pulled back I start texting like crazy and find gifts. And I mean, I gift horrible, the horrible letter that

Chris Seiter 7:53
was the most amount of money that you spent on a gift.

CJ 7:57
Oh my god, I’m $100

Chris Seiter 8:02
not bad. I had. I had a client once who was so desperate to get her ex back because she bought him like $1,000 guitar. Like he was like a musician and everything. And I was just like, oh, like, she was like in severe debt, too. So problem solvers, I guess is my is my point.

CJ 8:20
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Chris Seiter 8:22
You felt like that, that pretty much sums you up in? Oh, yeah. What would you notice what happened when you would try to like successfully solve the problems because you can sense them kind of like, deteriorating, kind of like leaving? What what would happen in a relationship?

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CJ 8:38
make it worse, he’d run away, he shut down even more. And I always took it as I’m losing control. He’s, he hates me. I mean, like, that’s the thing. I just needed to let go of that thought that taking it personally. And, but yet, he would just back away and he’d be like, and me trying to think that it’s me, it’s my problem and sort of just realizing he needed space, but eventually escalate to the point where he was like, I’m just gonna block you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. You know, it was like, terrible. And I, yeah, I like I said, I had to really learn from that. But I’m glad I joined the program, because it really helps me with that.

Chris Seiter 9:18
So at the time, before you joined the program, before you kind of came into our orbit, did you know at all about like any of the attachment style type stuff? No. So that didn’t have been a harrowing experience learning that, like when you when you first found out about it, did you like immediately classify yourself as an anxious person? Or did you go more towards like thinking you were secure?

CJ 9:39
Um, oh, I I hit the anxious right away. I mean, I noticed all the things I’m like, Oh my gosh, yeah, that’s me. That’s totally had to laugh at myself a little bit. I’m like, Oh, my God. I need to fix myself a little bit. So um, yeah, but I mean, it’s funny because all of my long relationships I’ve been the dumper. And so I mean, I’ve been the person, the person I got back. I mean, we were together for 14 years, and I dumped him. So I don’t, somewhere along the line, something happened where I was like, I became anxious. And it was probably because I developed a little bit of a low self esteem. Well, on Well,

Chris Seiter 10:21
I think it really goes back to that concept that we’re all kind of fluid in our in our attachment style. So you mentioned you’re together with this person for 14 years, maybe at the beginning of that you were more secure. But as time went on, and as those insecurities kind of developed, you develop those anxious attachments, and then you kind of bring that into your next relationship and especially if your next relationships with an avoidant. And you don’t really know how to handle the avoidant, it just becomes worse because they, you know, once those anxious tendencies bubbled to the surface, they kind of fall away and then you’re chasing more, they fall away even more, and it just becomes this snowball effect in a bad way. But I’m what I’m interested about more than anything is you seem to be in a very good headspace right now. So like, what were the specific steps you took after this initial breakup with this guy that you felt were important to getting you to more secure mindset?

CJ 11:20
Why listen to a lot of podcasts, obviously, in trying to figure out how to do less self love, and just kind of hearing my insecurities. I think one of the most beneficial things I heard in a podcast once was that, you know, letting something let be, don’t be afraid to let someone go, because letting them go, isn’t going to prevent them from coming back to you. And I think that was the big thing I was like so attached to like, hang on to them that I was afraid that if I just let go of it, that they would never come back to me. And then I just continued to hurt and was like trying to control that situation. But once I was able to just let it go and just trust that you know, whatever is going to be will be I felt better. I healed myself. I was able to go out and enjoy life. I jumped off an airplane even I just started like chasing my bucket list. I started just doing everything

Chris Seiter 12:19
for me. So if you want to know what makes me anxious jumping out of an airplane makes me anxious.

CJ 12:25
You know what’s funny is I’m terrified of heights, definitely afraid of heights

Chris Seiter 12:28
and I the bull by the horns.

CJ 12:32
I flipped it on a Sunday night. And they said well, I have I have availability, like first thing. The next morning. I’m like, let’s just do it. Let’s rip the band aid. I’m going to do it. I jumped out of an airplane. I filmed it. It was It was terrifying and awesome. So I’m glad you know.

Chris Seiter 12:51
Yeah, I mean, that’s, you’re better than me. We’ll put it that way. I don’t I don’t think I’d be caught dead near. I mean, I’m not like deathly afraid of heights. But there’s something about just like that life or death thing of just like a parachute is basically all that’s keeping you alive. freaks me out. So yeah, kudos to you.

CJ 13:11
I think I think what got me to jump out of it was the airplane like, Look just raggedy and I’m like, I don’t think it’s gonna be safe to land in the airplane. So I think I’m safer to jump

Chris Seiter 13:21
to essentially you lied to yourself to jump out of the air. Okay, I love it.

CJ 13:27
Yeah. So

Chris Seiter 13:29
you you kind of are practicing the self love Did you? Did you like just implement a no contact rule right away? And then during that no contact rule you’re doing that? Or did you kind of go to the beat of your own drum with approaching the breakup?

CJ 13:43
So well, I like didn’t know I didn’t join this program until I don’t know four or five months after the breakup. Okay, so I was definitely not doing the No Contact. Once I did the no contact on him. He definitely reacted to it. He two weeks later sent me this like long like note about you know, Don’t think I don’t ever think about you you know like that I’m not telling you this to make you make you second guess anything. I want you to find the love that’s right for you. Blah, blah blah. Of course I didn’t have enough emotional control. At that point. I responded like an idiot. But um, but it definitely, if no contact really is the way to go. I really think that people need to, when they’re in no contact, if if they could learn from my mistakes is they have to like work on themselves. Like just let the exco lead. Let except the breakup, let it happen for those 3045 days work on yourself and then think about the text. You know, I just I wish I would have had that mindset back then. But it’s so hard to have that mindset when you’re Losing Someone You really like?

Chris Seiter 15:02
Well, I think you really hit the nail on the head because that’s the consistency I see every time I interview people, which is like, it’s really what you’re doing with that time during no contact before you message them. And a month, like just opening up my challenge is trying to get people because, um, you mentioned before we started recording that you listened to our podcasts. And so you listen to podcasts with success stories, you probably listen to some of the other podcasts where, you know, it’s just me talking about stuff. And you’ll, you’ll see me talk about this concept, yet. It’s easy to like, logically understand, but how do I, what can I do to get people to actually put it into practice? Because you basically admitted, that was you, you kind of understood it, but you couldn’t put it into practice. So like, what was it that caused you to click and start practicing sort of this idea?

CJ 15:55
Um, so you and Tyler did a it was like, probably one of your very first podcast is, so it was like a long one, too. It’s like, it’s about the attachment styles. It was like, somewhere in the middle of it. You guys talked about letting go. And how it’s so weird that a second you like, just give up and like go, that’s when the ex comes back.

Chris Seiter 16:16
I only wrote about an article on that. Like, why is the when you stop caring, they start caring?

CJ 16:21
Yes. And I don’t know. And then you start, you always bring up like the magnum opus. And I was just like, You know what, I just need to focus on what makes me happy. And I just need to let go. Cuz you know what, letting go obviously, is the answer. If you look in the group, I mean, just about everybody’s like, I quit liking them, or I moved on, and now they’re messaging me. I mean, that’s what happened to me. So it’s like, okay, obviously, letting go is the right thing to do. And I don’t really know how to help people understand other than, you know, if you, you have to let go of that timeline, because if you are so anxious about getting them back, like right now, you’re not going to get them back. But if you realize times on your side, and okay, who cares? If you don’t, you’re not able to talk about 30 days or 45 days or a couple of months. If that means that you’re going to get them back. So what’s two months versus getting them back versus not getting them back ever? And that’s kind of how I looked at it was like, Okay, if I keep bugging him, I’m never gonna get him back. So I might as well just make myself happy.

Chris Seiter 17:27
Yeah, I mean, the way I was treated? No, yeah, I mean, that that’s pretty much it. Like, I really liked that you brought up the magnum opus thing, because sometimes I feel like I’ll talk about that, and it just goes over people’s heads. But the way I try to look at it is it’s really about like, reprioritizing your life so that your ex is no longer number one, they’re number two, you know, yeah, take them off the pedestal, put them put them, it doesn’t mean you you have to like kick them down to the bottom to like the streets or whatever, the sewers or something. But if you put them off the pedestal and, and also try to find something, I think that authentically makes you happy that you can spend your time on. I feel like that goes a long way and can simultaneously create that like, wow, I don’t need them effect. Because I feel like with anxious people, they really put a lot of their identity into the relationships. And that can be a difficult thing to try to teach someone to not do that. Because they have years and years and years of behaviors that ingrained these patterns.

CJ 18:34
I heard something the other day because I still listen to podcasts like every day but and I really liked it. It was talking about allowing someone to miss you versus trying to make them miss you. Or allowing them is like you are genuinely happy and trying to make someone miss you is manipulative. And they can sense that manipulation. And it’s also coming from a place of insecurity. So I kind of liked that. And I’m kind of implementing that with myself. Like, I’m allowing someone to miss me. Because I’m still the catch. I’m still a good person. I’m still worthy, and no one’s gonna forget me. I mean, you meet me, I hear people. I mean, you bring up in a lot of your podcasts about you talk about your past breakups. I mean, you’ve never forgotten your exes. I’ve never forgotten people I’ve dumped from years ago. So it’s like, I think that was a fear to of mine that I was afraid of being forgotten about. But I’ve never forget that. Like, that’s just human nature. You’re gonna remember that person forever.

Chris Seiter 19:35
Yeah, I think I think like it depends on the individual. I think in most cases you do, but like sometimes you’ll get people in the group and they’ve only they’ve never met their ex and they’re like online dating. I feel like in those cases maybe like if you’re listening to this that case your maybe your ex might sort of just not have you on the pedestal or thoughts but I think You’re hitting it on the head really with, with the allowing your ex to miss you or just allowing someone to miss you because I guess that paradigm shift where you’re, it’s, it’s really about just sort of like space like desires created within the space that you give that person. And sometimes what you’re doing with that space is sort of the self love stuff we’re talking about. And that gives you this confidence, which in turn, when you talk to them, again, just sort of bleeds through. It’s not something I think you can fake. And I think you’ve seen that a little bit with your situation. But obviously, you have very unique situation and the fact that it was the other ex that came back. So how did that like, develop?

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CJ 20:41
So see. I was really heartbroken over this breakup with this guy. And, like, it really bugged me. And then it’s he just kind of did with the group calls to be being their method. I mean, he was just essentially tried to be my friend. He didn’t try to swoop in and be like, hey, you know, I’ll be your date or something. You know, it wasn’t anything like that. He was like, really, he was really coy about it. He didn’t really well, he was just kind of like, you know, when we’d go to like, we always we have kids together. So when we have soccer games, he was just like, Oh, hey, you know, I got a coffee. I know you like coffee. Here you go, blah, blah, you know, How’s it go? And just like, just try to, like, just see how it’s doing be my pal. And then eventually he started being like, you know, you have anything going on this night. Let’s go, you know, let’s just go out for pizza or something was like, never like, but he just kind of was there. And he started like, opening himself up for me to just have a conversation with him. And he was given me it was kind of funny, because he was given me a minute man’s perspective of why this other guy was like being me. It made me become closer to him. And then he started showing he started speaking my love language. Like and before. I mean, what was your love language? Um, words of affirmation. Spending time together?

Chris Seiter 22:12
Seems to be ever females love language. Why can’t you girls just like physical touch? Like the guy is like that,

CJ 22:19
too. But he couldn’t show me that to me, right. But yeah, I am very much. I mean, like, that’s kind of what made me really like, the person who I was trying to get back was like, He’s big into cuddling. And I’m like, very much a physical touch person. And so the person I’m with now, he wasn’t like that before. Like, he was very, I’m not he’s very, his is very much doing things like that’s his love language, like, acts of service. And that’s

Chris Seiter 22:54
quality time can kind of come into that a little bit, too. Yeah.

CJ 22:59
So um, when he started speaking, my love language, I was like, oh, wait a minute, he’s changed. So then it just kind of made me really like, notice some more, I’m like, maybe this could work. So

Chris Seiter 23:15
Well, I think also, there’s an underrated element here and that you’re sharing kits. And there is kind of this, this thing that you have that will just always I think attached you, no matter what you do for the rest of your lives. And I feel like that does kind of help. So it gives him a little bit of an advantage. You mentioned the soccer game. So it’s kind of like these instant, like mini dates that you can kind of see each other on. But as as he’s kind of inviting you out on real kind of very small dates. did was he like opening up in a new way to you was he like, like, kind of baring his soul? Or because you said you had been together for 14 years. So it feels like it’s hard to find something new. But did you feel like you found any new layers to it? I did.

CJ 24:01
Yeah. In fact, there was one point that he actually, it really made me think about it. And so I actually got a little scared when I realized he was trying to chase me because I’m like, Whoa, I like left this guy and people are gonna be like, upset if I go back to, you know, like, kind of like I had like OSHA pressure. Yeah, yeah. But there was one point he sent me this text message and he is that he’s like, not an emotional person. He never used to be he is now. But he was just he never shared like how he felt about me, I always like was under the assumption he just like, was with me to be with me. But he sent me this text message about our very first date, like ever, like, years ago when we first met and he was just kind of like, you know, our very first date like I just the way you like, got through to me, he’s like, I couldn’t believe like that. You know, you’re just so funny, you know, going and your smile was so cute and this and that. He was like, I couldn’t believe that you did all these. He’s like, essentially baring his soul in this text message. He’s like, I just want you to know, you really are a special person. And, you know, he followed up later with like, you know, that guy was dum, dum video. And I’m just like, oh, what’s going on? And then so it’s like, it made me think about it. Um, but yeah, I mean, he just kind of became a closer friend to me than before. And I think that’s what really made me kind of really give it a second shot, if that makes sense. Yes.

Chris Seiter 25:32
So you basically gave it a second shot. And then when you give it a second shot, the actual guy that you wanted, starts texting you and everything, but he’s lost his chance.

CJ 25:44
Lost his chance. Yeah, I mean, he, I’ve had to finally block him from my phone. Because he was messaging me irony.

Chris Seiter 25:51
He blocks you to begin with that unblocks you and now you’ve blocked him, because it’s getting to be too much.

CJ 25:58
It really is. It has been too much. So I mean, cuz he had messaged to be less than a month ago. Now. He’s the one I wanted back. He’s like, I just need closure. Like he wanted closure from dumping me. And he’s like, so I was like, okay, whatever we can meet for coffee. And like, he’s just like going on and on and telling me all these things, you know that? You know, why the break up? And it was just interesting. And even like, when we tried to, like when we left, he’s like, Well, I really hope that you find the real love you want. I’m like, I have it. And he was just like, oh, and then a couple of weeks later, it was like, message after message after message. I was like, Okay, I can’t do this anymore. I have to block you.

Chris Seiter 26:40
I think I think what’s really interesting about that is it really kind of shows how important it is for I think women after after breakups actually go on dates with other people, because it kind of creates this value proposition where and I’ve noticed this with avoidance, they have like this inflated sense of ego where they think the their x is like, going to sit in an eating ice cream of tub, tub of ice cream every single day and gain 50 pounds and be crying their eyes out every night. But when they can actually see that’s not the case, and that that person’s moving on. That’s when that nostalgia kicks in. And they start to go into action. And they start to feel like oh my gosh, I’ve lost them. And then it’s almost like that’s what triggers their grieving process, which is this really weird phenomenon. But I think a lot of women are scared to date after the breakup, because they don’t want to lead a guy on they’re just not physically ready. But it seems like you had this really interesting unfolding of that, where it kind of you, your your ex that you’re with now kind of came under the radar a little bit and he wasn’t very threatening and just kind of like slowly began opening up to you.

CJ 27:51
Mm hmm. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And actually, the, the one I want it back, originally, like he was like really miffed that I started dating somebody else. Like he was super miffed. He’s like, What do you mean, you dated? Someone sounds like you date someone else. He’s like, Well, they were just hookups and I’m like, so. Like,

Chris Seiter 28:10
I don’t see how that makes it. Like, that almost makes it worse. Like, you’re admitting that you just like, had, you know, did it with a bunch of people. And it meant nothing to you. It’s like that, if I was going to break up, that’s the last thing I would want to hear to make me want to come back. It’s like, okay, so you treat relationships that that way. You’re not going to be like serious about it. So yeah, but Yeah, funny, double standard, isn’t it?

CJ 28:36
It really is. It is funny. And, you know, he did admit that he watched my Instagram stories and my, you know, page all the time, and he noticed that I was always out doing something. He’s like, you’re just very active. He’s like, I couldn’t believe you’re just like, go because I went on trips, and I was doing things that I was posting about it. So yeah, skydiving, climbing mountains, skiing, all that fun stuff. But yeah, I mean, he just, he noticed that he even mentioned, he’s like, I just noticed that he’s like, he actually admitted that he was he had blocked me and he unblocked me and he blocked me. And I’m just like, okay, it’ll be why it just, it’s like, why I’m blocking me and he blocked me. Were you afraid? I was gonna message you. I like, so.

Chris Seiter 29:23
I mean, yeah. It might just be his way of trying to keep control of the situation. And did he like give you any insight into why he did that behavior? The excuse?

CJ 29:39
He said that, you know, my, I was very anxious because he even met, he’s like, you’re very ancient. You were very anxious, and it gave me anxiety. And he’s like, you know, and I was, you know, I definitely chased him a lot. I mean, at first it was because I didn’t want to lose him. And he’s like, you know, that behavior just really affected. made me afraid. He’s like, there’s so many times I missed you so much. And I really wanted to message you, but I didn’t want you to start chasing me again. So it’s like, Okay. Well, I

Chris Seiter 30:13
think that, but I think that goes to the preconceived notion of you’re anxious, and you’re going to react a certain way. And that freaks me out. But you kind of got the last laugh at the end. So I did. That’s pretty good. Do you feel like looking back on your situation? Do you feel like that was like the key to like your success, which is just like, weirdly, we’re like, just letting go.

CJ 30:37
Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Letting Go. I’m just kind of letting it be. really kicking him off the pedestal. Someone else had posts like what another like? podcast, I heard someone kind of said, you know, if you have someone on a pedestal, above you, they have no choice but to look down on you. So you have to be Yeah, so you, you have to like kick them off and be the star of your own show. So I’m like, okay, yeah, I have to be the one who’s making myself happy. And I can’t allow or be looking for someone else to make myself happy. Because that’s, I’m never going to get it. And I think that’s why, because I worked me, that’s why my relationship now with my person is so much better was because I was always looking for him to make me happy. I wasn’t creating my own happiness. Yeah. And so I was super insecure about it. And I was like, Oh, if he’s not telling me, I’m beautiful. If he’s not telling me, he loves me, he must not love me. My days ruined my day shot. And now I mean, if he doesn’t say it, which is very rare, he’d even say it, but I’m just kind of like, I’m going to go on with my business, you know, and usually, he chases me down. It’s very, it’s very interesting. So it’s a flip of dynamic for sure.

Chris Seiter 31:54
Yeah, it seems it seems like you have that really rare situation where this breakup happens. It’s really awful. But you turn it into a positive thing, which is kind of what I try to preach to everyone, but it gets through to so like, people just don’t put it into practice. So that’s why I love when, when people like yourself come on the interview, because they can actually see what it is like when you make this change. And it’s not an easy change. Are there ever days where you’re just kind of like you get out of the bed? And you’re just thinking like, in the old ways where you’re like you mentioned, like, if he doesn’t tell me, he loves me, or if he doesn’t tell me that I’m beautiful. It bothers bothers you, how do you get past that?

CJ 32:36
I talked myself out of it. I’ve learned that my thoughts create my emotions. So if I analyze my thoughts, if I’m like, Oh, I feel like crap. Why do I feel like crap? What are my emotions? What am I telling myself? And I kind of like internalize it and think about it and become aware of why I’m feeling that way. And I usually tell myself something like, you know, well, I flip the script, I’d like Well, I’m obviously beautiful. He’s just having a bad day, or, obviously, he’s going to come back when he’s not so busy. Everybody has a bad time. It’s not me, it’s him. Sometimes I just give him space, sometimes I want space. So it’s a good thing. You know, I’ll go out for a run and everything’s better later on. I definitely do have moments where I find myself going back to that anxious like tendencies. But I know to catch it. I think it’s, that’s the thing is you have to catch it.

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Chris Seiter 33:41
Yeah, well, I think also, what you’re really speaking to here is this concept of figuring out how to master your mind, because your mind runs wild. And while while I would recommend everyone to read the book, and watch his podcasts and everything, I would say there’s some pretty foul language. But there’s a guy named David Goggins who is like this, like Navy SEAL guy, and he talks a lot about this concept of mastering your mind. And like, he does it in a physical space where, like, you mentioned going into runs, like when you go on a run, and you’re going, like, let’s say you hit mile three or mile four, your mind starts to start saying things like, I’m tired, I want to quit, I want to stop. And it’s like, what do you do when you face that? And how do you master that? And I feel like that’s a very stoic mindset, like the stoics. They always had the philosophy of like, I’m only going to focus on the things I can control because anything outside of myself, I have no control over. I don’t like I have no control over. It’s not worth worrying about. And I feel like everyone can use a little bit of that after a breakup because your mind is running wild. You know, the anxious tendencies are kind of coming up. And it seems to me like you’ve done a really amazing job at Figuring out strategies on how to handle when those negative thoughts come up, or those anxious thoughts come up and try to flip the paradigm on it.

CJ 35:09
Mm hmm. Yeah. I mean, I just, if I’m thinking something negative, I told myself, Okay, what’s the opposite of that? And I’m going to choose because really, everything is about choice, right? So I think Tony Robbins talks about that a lot, everything’s a choice, you can either choose to think about it negatively, or you can choose to think about it positively. And your reality is how you choose to believe it. That’s where you can have 100 people in a room, and they all had completely different experiences, because of their choices of how they viewed it. So I can choose to view it in a positive.

Chris Seiter 35:42
Yeah, I mean, you’re really right, everything revolves around choice. I mean, that’s sort of what what creates this cause and effect conundrum we, we often figure out, you know, something happens, and then you choose to act a certain way. And then the result occurs. And that just is like, the string of moments in our life going on and on until, until we die, really. And so the choices we make we have control over sort of how we’re looking at things. And if you’re choosing to look at things in a negative way. I think that’s something everyone can work on, including myself. I don’t I don’t think it’s like an ever it’s a process that ever stops at

CJ 36:20
all. Oh, yeah, you have to continuously work on that. I think it’s because we’re just so used to looking at things in a negative way, I think some of us, you know, we’re just used to the world’s ending. And instead of looking at the world’s positive,

Chris Seiter 36:34
well, I mean, most of our clients are going through breakups as well. So a huge negative thing just happened to them. And it’s hard not to let that creep into all the other areas of your life and all the other thoughts that you’re having. And it takes a really special individual to be able to counteract that in the moment, like this eternal positivity. But my wife and I were watching survivor, the which is a really weird, really weird comparison to bring up. But there was this contestant on survivor that just had like, the most positive, like, all these horrible things were happening to her she was like, like getting voted out and all this stuff, but she had like the most positive outlook on life. And you could just tell that the people that she surrounds herself with it, sometimes you can actually affect other people in this really positive way. So I think there is also something to be said about the people you’re surrounding yourself with also helping you did you feel like you had a little bit of a good support system?

CJ 37:32
Um, actually, no, I created my own support system.

Chris Seiter 37:36
My YOU ARE YOU WERE YOU close yourself. And, you know,

CJ 37:43
I made well, I mean, I kept myself really busy. I like, I threw myself into my magnum opus, which was helping other people. I, I teach fitness at a gym, and I was like, You know what, I’m just gonna throw myself in here, and help these people, like, achieve their goals, because it’s gonna make me feel good. And so that’s what I really focused on. And I think that that really, it helping them became my therapy and helping

Chris Seiter 38:09
me. Yeah, well, I love so I’m so glad you bring up the magnum opus, finally, someone gets it. I’ve been trying to get that for like, a year straight and no one brings it up. And I’m just always,

CJ 38:24
you keep bringing it up. So obviously, it’s important.

Chris Seiter 38:28
But people don’t see it. I don’t get it. But yeah, I just wanted to take a moment and say, Really, thank you for coming on this because I feel like this is one of the most positive improvement stories I’ve ever heard. And what’s really cool about your story to me is that you kind of got both guys back. Yeah. You got to choose your pick of the litter. Essentially, you chose the guy that’s best for you.

CJ 38:53
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And thank you for your program. It really i If I could tell anybody. I mean, I tell everybody you know, if you’re going through a breakup and this you got to listen to this guy says you got to follow the you do the Trinity and work on you. That’s, that’s really the core of your program. I liked it is it’s working on you.

Chris Seiter 39:12
Yeah, I think I think the way I try to always look at is trying to focus on the things that you have control over and maximizing those areas of your life and you just find it kind of gives you wings. I don’t know that read gives you when I I can’t think of a great analogy. There we go. That’s the slogan.

CJ 39:32
Yes. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me. I appreciate it. I really hope this is helpful for other people too.

Chris Seiter 39:38
I’m sure it will be