Today I’m going to show you the eight most common mistakes people make after a breakup.

And I brought in the brilliant Coach Shaunna Nicol to help me.

Here are the major mistakes,

1. Not Implementing A No Contact Rule
2. Moving On Too Soon
3. Snooping
4. Trying To Get Closure
5. Breaking No Contact
6. Gnatting And Begging
7. Bragging About How Good You’re Doing After The Breakup
8. Not Being Able To Let Go Of The Breakup

Let’s dive in a bit deeper on each of these.

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Mistake #1: Not Implementing A No Contact Rule

Generally speaking there are a few type of clients that come to us.

1. We have the new clients who’ve never been introduced to our program before.
2. We have the people who have been introduced to our program

Each of these types of clients has a unique relationship with the no contact rule.

So, for the people who are familiar with our way of doing things, they have no problem implementing a No Contact Rule.

That’s not the case for people who are maybe new to our program and don’t really see the No Contact Rule as anything other than a way to manipulate your ex.

Yet, every single success story that we have, has used some version of the No Contact Rule, or at least attempted to use some version of the No Contact Rule.

So the first major mistake I see people making is not even doing a No Contact Rule. Usually, they have a lot of different reasons for why they’re not willing to do a No Contact Rule.

But usually, they all revolve around some version of worry worried of my ex, forgetting about me, or I’m worried of how this will make my ex angry.

But I think the No Contact Rule in and of itself gets a bad rap because a lot of the breakup industry only pedals the it will make your ex miss you aspect. And I actually don’t think that’s what makes the ex miss you.

So I think it’s kind of like a correlation, not causation type scenario that we had playing out with regards to a no contact rule.

So obviously, people who implement a No Contact Rule, they are under the belief that by ignoring their ex for a certain period of time, their ex is going to miss them.

But what I’ve actually found through interviewing hundreds of success stories is the exact opposite is true.

The No Contact Rule in and of itself, just ignoring your ex doesn’t really help make your ex miss you. It’s actually what you’re doing with that time away from your ex that can help make them miss you.

So for our clients that are able to kind of outgrow their ex during that no contact period, I find that they are way more likely to get a positive response when they do eventually get back into contact with their ex. So for me not implementing the No Contact Rule isn’t necessarily the biggest mistake.

It’s not implementing the No Contact Rule the correct way. So yes, mistake number one, don’t. Not doing a No Contact Rule essentially, is the mistake.

Mistake #2: Moving On Too Soon

Okay, so mistake number two would be moving on too soon.

So what we discussed was that after a breakup, there are those few people who can’t cope with being alone, they don’t want to be in their own company.

So when their ex doesn’t want them back, they’ll immediately go out and find somebody else to be in a relationship with. While it’s technically a rebound, it’s also them not dealing with the way they feel they’re not processing the breakup their emotions, they don’t even start to consider what went wrong in a relationship.

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Why did that breakup happen?

And what do what work do they need to do on themselves.

So even though in the program, obviously, we do suggest that you date, it’s just don’t immediately get into another relationship, you’re just filling a void that your ex has made by putting someone else in there and you’re just going to repeat history, and you gotta keep making the same mistakes, repeated relationship breakdown, and probably never actually process any emotions, just ignore them and dismiss them as much as you possibly can.

And then, when you want your ex back, you’ve not done any self work. So you’re not really going to get the actual goal which is getting over a breakup.

Get back into a healthy relationship, you just end up in the same cycle.

Mistake #3: Snooping

Okay, so mistake number three is actually snooping on social media.

This may not initially seem like a mistake, but I think it is.

So Shaunna and I, before we started recording, we were talking about another mistake on our list. And it actually kind of connects with this one.

And that is the fact that a lot of times you need to look at breakups as sort of a drug addiction.

So when a when a drug addict is going through a withdrawal period, they’re looking for a fix.

And so anytime that you’re engaging in any kind of obsession about an x, it kind of just makes the problem worse, you cannot stop focusing on your ex. So Facebook stalking, looking on their Instagram looking Snapchat, I guess tick tock, although I don’t I haven’t heard too much about tick tock in the Facebook group.

The point is, if you are not a very disciplined person, and you feel like snooping, on your ex is going to make you want to reach out to them after their breakup.

I don’t think it’s worth your effort to do so I think one of the biggest mistakes we see as people who really want to try to move past a breakup, but they’re unable to because they keep engaging in this addiction.

They keep feeding it they keep, Oh, I wonder what he or she is up to, oh, no, they’re doing this without me. And then they get upset and it becomes this emotional thing.

And it just kind of does not help you move past the breakup. So I think for me if you’re an incredibly undisciplined person, and no, you just won’t be able to help yourself, it might be a good idea to unfollow your ex on social media. And some way not necessarily block them, not necessarily unfriend them.

But to try to maybe just like, like, make your password to your social media accounts, super complicated. And then lock it away somewhere and logout so you don’t know how to get in it.

Just so that you can take a break and kind of regain composure before you can kind of talk to them again. So anyways, that’s mistake number three snooping.

Mistake #4: Trying To Get Closure

So, mistake number four, we’ve got trying to get that closure conversation with your ex.

So there’s this idea that you need to have that conversation where you talk about the relationship and where things went wrong, and how you could have been better apologizing.

But during this conversation with your ex too soon, it’s just an excuse to see them your mindsets more about how can I get him to see me if he can see me and I can tell him I’m sorry.

And I know where I went wrong, that you’ll eventually get to the point where you’re going to start wanting to talk about getting back together. And eventually your ex is going to say no, again, because it’s probably straight after the breakup.

And you’re going to restart the process of feeling heartbroken all over again.

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And you’ve not achieved what you want it you haven’t got closure, new upset, because your ex still doesn’t want to get back together with you, which is what’s leading to the other point that we’re going to talk about later, which is the begging stage.

Mistake #5: Breaking No Contact

So yeah, mistake number five, which is breaking the No Contact Rule prematurely.

This may not seem like a big deal, because essentially, the rule with the No Contact Rule, assuming you have just like a general situation where you’re doing like a 30 day or 45 day, no contact rule and your ex.

What happens is, if you meet, we’re kind of expecting you to break it because most people, I think most people do break it. I think I did some research on that.

But I can’t remember off the top my head but Well, I’m just going to operate under the assumption that you’re going to break it well. Generally speaking, when you break it, you just have to start over from the very beginning.

But the one thing that never gets talked about by many of our peers in the breakup industry is the fact that the No Contact Rule isn’t like this thing that you can continue to leave go back to and it be the same level of effectiveness. So each time that you’re breaking the No Contact Rule.

Let’s say you say hey, I want to do a 30 day no contact rule but you get through a week of it and you contact your ex and you have to start over from the beginning. That’s second time that you have to start over, it’s going to lose a little bit of effectiveness. And each subsequent time this happens, it loses more and more effectiveness.

The analogy I often like to use is, it’s kind of like watching a really great movie in the movie theater for the first time, you’re feeling the emotions of that story, to the maximum effect.

But if it’s a good movie, you want to go watch it again. So you maybe pay for another ticket, you’ll watch it again. But it’s not as it’s still potent, but it’s not as potent as it was the very first time and each time you’re trying it over and over again, it’s losing a little bit of a of its potency.

So breaking the No Contact Rule one time, we’re kind of expecting to happen that’s sort of built into the system, but breaking it five times, breaking it six times, it’s not going to be as effective anymore, and you’re just harming yourself, assuming you either want to get over your ex, but you’re really harming yourself if you want to get your ex back. So that’s Mistake number five.

Mistake #6: Gnatting And Begging

So Mistake number six is the gnatting and begging of your ex. So the gnatting is where you would send lots of text messages, emails, phone calls, any form of communication, you can to your ex, to the point where you are driving him crazy.

You pleading you’re begging, you want your ex to take you back so badly, you’re offering the planets, if you could, it doesn’t work, and it’s not going to get the results you want.

If anything, it just sets you back in the process. And it also kind of makes you lose yourself respect in a way. Because you are literally begging a person to to be with you.

And that’s just, it’s not worth it. And the more that your time that you spend going to nothing and begging is more likely your ex is just gonna block you everywhere. So you can’t contact him anyway.

Or her obviously.

And then when you spend that time, you could have been doing the no contract that Chris just mentioned, you can be working on yourself, rather than showing your ex that you’ve not worked on yourself, you’ve not changed, you’re not respecting their decision to not want to speak to you right now.

I think that damages your chances more than most of the other things to be honest, because there’s just no self control there at all.

Yeah, to actually add on to this, I would say from an attachment style perspective. A lot of times what we see happen is avoidant ex anxious you.

So that’s like the most common relationship pairing.

And so what ends up happening when you’re begging your ex one of the reasons and avoid it will break up with someone who has an anxious attachment style is their anxious attachment style starts to kind of grate on their nerves.

But all your end up doing when you’re nagging or begging and nagging for those of you who are uninitiated is going nuts at texting. So it’s just basically like you’re begging by going crazy for texting like a gnat.

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But what ends up happening is by begging, that’s a very anxious behavior. And so you’re actually triggering, if you have an avoidant X, you’re triggering that avoidant side to get them to leave you even more.

So there’s no advantage to you to do it at all. That’s my that’s you can take the next one.

Mistake #7: Bragging About How Good You Are Doing

So obviously, we say use social media. So how great you’re doing. And to show that you’re moving on. However, there are the few that go over the top, those who are given the impression that they were so great without their ex, they’re basically rubbing it in their face.

Now, even though you think that looks like you’re doing amazing, you get all the likes and comments, and all these people are saying how great you’re doing.

That’s like a small fix. But that wears off so quickly. Because you’re not actually dealing with how you truly feel, as well as the fact that you’re doing something else.

So just get more of that like attention. It’s going to look desperate to your ex.

And it’s also going to be a little bit of attention seeking as well. And they’re probably thinking like, why are you doing all this out of character to the point of extremes, and also the fact that you’re wanting attention of almost strangers.

Obviously social, social media has got people that you actually know in real life, but also the people that you just sort of know that acquaintances and their opinion doesn’t really matter.

But it’s a way to deal with the fact that you’re feeling a bit rubbish.

And this the likes on Oh, you look amazing.

Oh, that’s so cool. It makes you feel better short term. But again, it does doesn’t look good from your ex’s point of view.

Mistake #8: Not Being Able To Let Go Of The Breakup

Yeah, I actually think that leads pretty seamlessly into the eighth mistake, which to me is the most important mistake of all, and that’s not being able to let go of the breakup.

So think of it like this. 2022 has been sort of the year that I personally have done a ton of research on Attachment styles, with specific sort of study on the avoidant attachment style.

The reason for that is I did a poll in 2021 where I asked our clients Like, hey, what attachment style do you think your ex is, and over 62 I think percent of them said that they believe their exes are avoidant, or it could have even been as high as 70. I can’t I don’t have it in front of me.

But I just know, it was enough to make me feel like, Oh, this is significant, I need to really understand everything I can about avoidance.

Well, one of the interesting sort of quirks of avoidance is that they actually don’t allow themselves the opportunity to miss you until they feel like you have moved on from them. And this actually tracks was what we found when I interviewed success stories.

So another thing starting in 2020, that I did is I started actually having Shana. She would go through the Facebook group and line up interviews where we can basically sit down with people and ask them a bunch of questions for an hour to figure out like, Hey, what did you do that worked versus what do you that didn’t work?

And the one interesting thing that I wasn’t expecting out of the study is like I, you know, I was expecting like, oh, every success story did some form of no contact, every success story was this type of situation. But what I wasn’t expecting is the common thread that kind of bound them all wasn’t the No Contact Rule so much. I mean, yeah, it was present.

But not all of them, completed a full No Contact Rule, not all of them did the same type of no contact, you know, some of them did a limited no contact.

But the thing that bound them all was each one had projected and gotten to the place where they had given up. So they were like, You know what I’m done with this, I don’t want my ex anymore.

And boom, that’s when they would come back. And you can actually just go to our Facebook group and look at how often this phenomenon occurs.

And I think this really has to do with the avoidant attachment style and the fact that when the avoidant feels like you’re getting to this place where you moved on from them, all of a sudden, they kind of are allowing themselves to feel the nostalgia that’s necessary that needs to happen for them to want to come back.

And the cool part about this is this is exactly what no one else’s advice out there advising you to do. And yet it’s the very thing that works the best.

So for me not being able to let go of the breakup, but more I think kind of the the core belief there is not being not being able to move on from it.

If you’re still hung up on it, you know, you’ll notice that that’s kind of a common thread with some of the mistakes we’re talking about.

It’s really not being able to handle the breakup, not being able to move on from it not being able to grow from it, all of it combines to create this projection.

And it’s not something you can fake. It’s something that you authentically need to feel.

And that’s what is the biggest difference maker for me. So not being able to let go of the breakup is the eighth and final mistake we see our clients making.