Today we’re going to talk about the hardest day of the no contact rule as seen by our clients.

Specifically I’m going to make an argument that the hardest part of no contact occurs immediately after you start it. In other words, the first week seems to be where most people have trouble.

Additionally after reading over 100 posts related to no contact on our Private Facebook Support group and looking for patterns I have located a total of four major “struggle points.”

These are essentially the days that you’re going to have the hardest time with the no contact rule.

• Immediately after you start it
• Limited no contact breaks
• The day/s where you aren’t hearing from them
• When the roller coaster impact goes into effect

Like always, let’s dive in so you can have a better understanding of how these work.

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Struggle Point #1: Immediately After Starting It

Human beings in general are resistant to change. Yet, this is in and of itself a paradox because life is full of change no matter how you spin it.

But when you look at the no contact rule it’s essentially coming on the heels of a great change, you and your ex most likely just broke up and then the no contact itself is another change.

The breakup is a sudden change in habit.

You go from committed to single. A committed person has a certain pattern they fall into. For example, one of my relationships, long distance, worked this way,

This was the established pattern.

Yet when a breakup inevitably occurred my whole world was turned upside down. Add in the fact that most experts do recommend a period of no contact and you have another habitual change and it can leave you feeling shell shocked and full of doubts.

You’ll sit there and think,

Well, won’t ignoring my ex be rude? No, you are broken up and owe them nothing. 

Does this mean I can’t be friends with them? Yes, the no contact rule isn’t permanent

Here’s the point I’m trying to make. Expect the beginning of the no contact rule to be bumpy. It’s a lot of change happening all at once during an already vulnerable time and it happens to be where most of our own clients say they struggle.

Of course, there’s a few other important struggle points to take note of.

Struggle Point #2: Limited No Contact Breaks

One of the other common struggle points we saw from our clients during the no contact rule occurred when an ex actually reached out to them.

For example, take this reach out from an ex,

Starts like a seemingly innocent exchange, right?

The ex asks if there is any mail for them. Since mail does constitute a legitimate reason to break no contact and communicate with an ex we advised our client to do so but to keep it strictly business and jump right back into no contact.

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“I do have some mail. What do you want me to do with it?”

Everything is going ok here but what happens next is where our client falls victim to the struggle.

Their ex actually suggests that they are going to come over and get the mail.

To which our client responds,

“Ok, I’m a bit busy this week but I can probably do Wednesday after 3.”

And here’s where our client goes wrong. The ex gets emotional and baits them into further breaking no contact.

“Why did you treat me the way you did?”

It’s raw and emotional and exactly the type of hook that most of our clients can’t resist.

It bears repeating that any kind of item exchange (like this) is considered a situation where you are forced to break no contact to get their items back to them but some exes are saavy to this and will literally use this limited no contact break as a way to get you to respond.

And it’s so hard to resist not responding to an emotionally charged topic. I mean look at what the ex said.

“Why did you treat me the way you did?”

It’s almost an accusation and makes our client want to defend themselves.

Here’s my point. Any type of situations like this that you are forced to break no contact create a struggle.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Struggle Point #3: Not Hearing From Your Ex

Many people equate the success of a no contact rule to it’s ability to illicit an anxious response from an ex.

We often get seduced by these stories online of a no contact driving an ex so crazy that they blow your phone up with fifteen text messages, the last of which is begging for you to come back.

“I made a mistake, come back to me…”

Of course, when that doesn’t happen immediately you rationalize it as being a long shot anyway.

So, one week goes by and you haven’t heard from your ex. No big deal, it’s only been a week.

Two weeks, you start to get a little worried but a lot of the results you found online showed that the real magic doesn’t happen till week three.

Well, week three rolls up and still nothing. Now it’s time to start actively panicking, right?

I got curious about this a few years ago so I decided to poll our facebook group asking them one simple question,

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For those of you who have completed the no contact rule; How many of your exes reached out to you during it? 

Turns out our research showed that in 62% of cases your ex won’t reach out to you at all during no contact.

Yet, we’ve found that almost every single one of our success stories have utilized the no contact rule. So, what gives?

I think that we as a society need to stop looking at the no contact rule as a means to make your ex miss you. That’s not what matters.

What matters is what you are doing with that time away from your ex.

How are you using it?

Are you cultivating new friendships and ambitions?

Or are you feeling horrible that the no contact rule isn’t having the desired effect you felt you were entitled to. It doesn’t work that way.

Consistently we have found that what separates our successes from non successes is literally how they spent their time doing no contact.

Be productive and invest in yourself, not your ex.

Struggle Point #4: The Roller Coaster Impact

As of today I’ve written over 800 articles for this website and being completely honest with you, it’s kind of boring.

Half the time I feel like I’m just trying to find different ways to illustrate the same points. One of the games I play with myself when I write these types of articles is to try to find something new to add to the conversation.

That can be a lot of things.

• A new hypothesis or concept I come up with
• A new way of phrasing something, “See the relationship wheel of death”
• Exposing you to a new philosophical teaching that has inspired me

And for this article my “new twist” occurred when I stumbled across a reddit thread asking the same question this article is trying to answer.

What is the absolute hardest day of no contact.

Well, 7 years ago a commentor named Throwawayinpain1234 left the following comment,

Hardest days were when I thought I was over it (the breakup) and feeling good. Suddenly something would come along and it would all come crashing down. To be brought from high to low so quickly is always a more dramatic feeling than slipping lower and lower. 

What a beautiful way to describe the roller coaster phenomenon.

The no contact rule is difficult precisely because it encourages you to quickly go from a low to a high and those who embrace it can actually see some profound change.

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However, there’s no telling what the future holds. Sometimes that high can be brought low with one mean text from an ex.

Maybe seeing your exes car or someone who is driving an exact version of your exes car can bring you from that high to that low.

Oh, what about “your song.”

Or you are watching a movie that the two of you saw in theaters together.

ANYTHING can bring you down during the no contact rule because grief takes time to process and I want to reiterate that it’s ok to feel the roller coaster of emotions after a breakup.

It’s normal even.

However, it’s a mistake to give in to your fears.

To be super corny and quote one of my favorite science fiction books, Dune,

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.