So, I’ve been noticing a really interesting phenomenon lately.

Essentially many of my clients are walking away and then THAT’S when their ex comes back.

As per usual I thought it would be fun to spend a few hours and research why this phenomenon is occurring.

The answer may shock you.

In today’s article here are some of the things we’re going to be discussing.

• I’m going to answer how often exes just “come back”
• I’m also going to talk about the importance of looking at WHEN they come back.
• Figuring out the root cause of what causes exes to come back when you’ve walked away
• Finally, we need to have an honest discussion about the grass is greener syndrome

Let’s begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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How Often Do Exes Just “Come Back?”

Before I get going here I think I need to tell a bit of a story. A few days ago when I decided I was going to write this article I was scrolling through my private facebook support group when I happened across this thread left by a client,

It struck me as interesting because the person clearly wants to know if exes “always” come back. But that’s not the interesting part. It’s that little number in the bottom right hand corner, 88 comments.

In truth, it’s more like 60 comments because some of the 88 comments were responses to original comments but still, that’s a lot of data.

So, even though it took me a few hours I decided to pour through each comments and divide them up into three categories.

There were three categories or buckets answers fell into,

1. The ex came back
2. The ex didn’t come back
3. The commentor didn’t answer the question

Here was the breakdown.

1. My ex came back (60%)
2. My ex didn’t come back (20%)
3. They simply didn’t answer (20%)

Of course, if you just look at the individuals who actually answered the question proposed in the thread the breakdown looks something like this.

• Exes who came back (75%)
• Exes who didn’t come back (25%)

75% of our clients are essentially saying that at one points their ex came back. That’s huge and almost seems too high right? Well, that’s the thing. The original thread isn’t asking WHEN the ex came back they are just interested in if an ex expressed interest at some point.

And that’s where the fun really began.

In the comments to thread I started noticing that a lot of people were including some interesting add ons usually revolving around WHEN an ex finally came back.

Why WHEN An Ex Comes Back Is An Important Thing To Look At

And this is really where you start to see the “walk away and they came back” portion come into play.

After pouring through the people’s responses who said that their ex did come back I began noticing that when they would expand a bit about WHEN their ex came back it revolved around four separate criteria,

• The wrong exes came back (the ones they didn’t want anymore)
• Their ex always came back when they felt like they’ve decided they didn’t want them back anymore
• Their ex came back when they were talking to someone else
• Their ex came back when it was too late. Meaning A LOT of time had passed

And just for good measure since I know there’s just going to be that one reader who looks at my claims and scoffs at them and then go on to accuse me of making it up here’s four of the best responses that pretty much sum up the trend,

It’s always the exes you don’t want that come back

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Mine came back when I was talking to someone else

Mine came back after I didn’t want them back anymore

Mine came back when it was too late

But the question remains why are exes coming back when my clients are walking away?

So, What’s The Root Cause Behind Why Exes Always Seem To Come Back When You’ve Walked Away?

My team and I think it has something to do with attachment styles.

Specifically,

1. Anxious attachment styles: Core wound = Fear of abandonment
2. Avoidant attachments styles: Core wound = Loss of independence

For reference, most of our clients are anxious,

While most of their exes are avoidant,

Immediately after a breakup the anxious partner (our client) will not stop trying to “fix” things which causes the avoidant to retreat. Eventually, after the anxious person inevitably moves on and the avoidant is given time to reflect and THAT’S WHEN they come back into the picture.

And this phenomenon is actually backed up in research.

According to Free to Attach,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered,

But it’s really that last sentence in the graphic above that is of interest to us here.

This post-relationship longing is often after they fail to find an emotional bond with new prospects (as is likely) and long after the original relationship has gone stale.

AKA: The grass is greener syndrome

The Grass Is Greener Syndrome

Breakups at their core are quite simple.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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It’s two people agreeing (or not) to discontinue their relationship but there’s usually an element that’s never verbalized and it always has its hooks in the grass is greener syndrome. Assuming your ex broke up with you there’s a nonverbal admission they are making.

They think they can do better than you. Find someone who is better.

Sometimes they can but sometimes they can’t.

It all boils down to if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

What makes this discussion interesting though is we are dealing purely with exes whose relationships have often spanned years. So, they’ve spent years with our clients and like it or not time is one of the ways in which we measure worth in relationships.

The more time we spend with our partners the better.

But time has an often unintended consequence. It causes us to normalize our partners qualities. We know everything they have to offer. The mystery is gone and with that mystery gone we begin to convince ourselves that we can do better.

Find someone else.

In my experience, when dealing with exes who immediately rebound what they’re after more than anything else is the high of a new honeymoon period but that “high” wears off and when it does they start to compare their new person (or lack thereof) to you.

And guess who wins?

You do!

But there’s one interesting thing no one ever talks about. Usually by the time they do this you have already begun to move on either with someone else or you just don’t want them back anymore. Know what that does? That just makes them want you more and definitely helps explain why walking away from an ex is the smartest move you can make.

In the end it all boils down to how you are spending your time in the post breakup period. Generally speaking, and you can look at my success stories to verify this, it’s the folks who “move on” that end up getting their exes to come back.