What’s up and welcome to another episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Before I start getting into the build up of this episode I just wanted to take a minute and thank you for being the most incredible fans in the world.
For all of you who have commented, emailed, read and bought my products.
I really appreciate you.
Sometimes I get so into what I am doing that I take what I have for granted and I can honestly say that the only reason Ex Boyfriend Recovery is what it is today is because of you.
Yup, without YOU this website wouldn’t exist so thank you for all of your positive feedback over the last several years.
Anyways, lets get down to business here.
Today we are going to hear from Lisa.
Lisa has a very interesting question but before I get into that here is a quick rundown of her situation,
- She is currently in a relationship with her boyfriend (who she named as A)
- She has been dating A for 5 years
- Recently her ex (who she named as T) has gotten into contact with her and has been begging for her back
- He is saying things like they are soul mates and that the universe wants them to be together.
- Here’s the kicker, Lisa had only dated T for a week
- So, she wonders why he is so persistent about getting her back when they essentially have no history together
- She also wonders if he is just crazy or if he is lonely due to the fact that T just got out of a relationship and is hurting
Here’s a quick rundown of what is talked about in this episode,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat I Talk About In This Episode
- The importance of her ex (T) recently going through a breakup
- Whether or not Lisa should leave her current boyfriend to be with (T)
- What she should say to her current boyfriend (A) about (T)
- Whether Lisa would be a rebound if she got back with (T)
- The Grass is Greener Syndrome
- Why I believe (T) is being so persistent
- Whether (T) is just flat out crazy or acting crazy based on his loneliness
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
- The Grass is Greener Syndrome Article
- Leaving a review on my iTunes Page
- Rebound Relationship Podcast Episode
- Should You Get Your Ex Back?
Is Lisa’s Ex Boyfriend Crazy or Lonely?
Based on everything that Lisa said in her voice mail recording I am not sure I buy into the fact that her ex boyfriend is completely crazy.
However, I am not sure I buy into the fact that he is completely lonely either.
Yes, there is evidence that shows that he is both crazy and lonely but I think the reaction he is having is based on something entirely different.
Oh, and in case you don’t know what I mean by “reaction” I am talking about him telling Lisa that they are meant to be together. You know, the whole soul mates and universe spiel.
So, what’s going on in his mind to make him act like this?
Well, your going to have to listen to the whole episode to find out 😉 .
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 37 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited for the episode today. It seems like I say that a lot, but I really am excited to be recording these podcasts. I have a quick update. I know I’ve been talking a lot lately about this coaching idea. We’re definitely going forward with that.
My wife and I have talked. We decided that we will be doing the coaching. There will be a beta test at the beginning that will require only a month of my time. This will be to get a gauge on what it’s going to be like and what kind of time commitment it will be for me. There will only be 10 spots available for the coaching.
I’m hoping to have the coaching up and running by next month, in July. Hopefully we’ll run through all of July and into August. I cannot guarantee anything right now because I don’t know how long it will take to get everything processed the way I want to get it processed. For example, right now I’m working on the sales page for the coaching.
Sometimes I go a little bit overboard with the sales pages or articles in general for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Sometimes I write an article and I think, “I want this article to be around 4,000 words,” but when it’s all said and done, it ends up being closer to 7,000. I get off on a tangent. I’m going to try to have everything up and running for July.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI’m going to create some sort of waiting list for those of you who are interested in getting in on the beta test of the coaching. Again, there will only be 10 spots. They will probably go very quickly. The 10 people who do sign up for the coaching will get access to me, my wife and game plans. We’re going to have a good time and help those of you who need help.
Let’s get down to business. Today we’re going to hear from a woman named Lisa. Lisa has a bit of an interesting question. Lately I’ve been doing these podcast episodes once a week. That’s a perfect time commitment for me. I can do once a week pretty easily and get a lot of the other stuff done that I want to complete. I’m trying to make these podcast episodes a little bit longer than normal.
I’m shooting for about half an hour. I’m a little hesitant to go with an hour-long episode, only because I think people get more out of bite-sized episodes. I think 40 minutes to 60 minutes is a pretty strong time commitment. Whereas, I think a 20 to 30 minute episode is more bite sized and helpful for those of you interested in the topics that I’m covering. Lately I’m trying to cover topics in this podcast episodes that interest not only me but that will interest you and help you.
I have a few really cool ideas coming up that I can’t wait to implement. I’ll just give you a little tease. I’m going to be hiring someone to write a transcript for these episodes. For those of you who don’t feel you get a lot out of the audio version of the podcast, there is going to be a written version as well. You can follow along with what I’m saying.
Let’s hear from Lisa with today’s question. Lisa, I thought your question was really interesting, and something I wanted to cover here, so congrats for being chosen. Let’s have a great episode:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Lisa. I’m currently in a relationship. I’ve been with this guy for five years. We’ll call him A. My ex-boyfriend, we’ll call him T, recently found me. I’ve heard for a couple of months that he’s been asking about me through a mutual friend of ours. I guess he finally got my number. I have no social media. He called me.
He says that the universe wants us to be together and I’m his soulmate. I don’t take him too seriously because he recently got out of a relationship. I’m still in a relationship. When we did date, it was only for a week. I know he wanted to get back with me when we broke up. I do not understand why he is so persistent and why he wants to rekindle something. We don’t have a past together. I want to know if he’s crazy or if he’s just lonely. Thank you.”
That’s a great question, Lisa. Is he crazy or lonely? It’s not often that a person who leaves a voice message for me for the podcast doesn’t have a question about getting their ex back. Your question is more about understanding your ex’s motivation for why he’s acting the way he’s acting. Kudos to you.
It seems like you’re happy in your relationship with A. It seems like you’ve been dating A for five years, which is a very long time. Kudos on making that relationship last as long as it has. I’m wishing you and A the best going forward. Hopefully we can give you some insight into your ex-boyfriend, T as you called him.
First, I want to apologize to the listeners. I noticed that Lisa’s audio had some sort of weird smoke alarm beep in the background. I apologize if that hurt your ears or annoyed you. I wasn’t able to edit it out like I was hoping I would when I first heard her question. Her question was so intellectually challenging to me that I really wanted to feature it here. I was willing to overlook the beep.
For those of you listening, we’re going to do a recap of Lisa’s situation. Then I’m going to give you and Lisa some insight into why her ex-boyfriend is acting the way he’s acting.
She dated a guy and broke up with him. That guy is her ex-boyfriend, who she called T. Currently, Lisa is in a relationship with a man named A. She’s been dating him for five years, which is a long time. While she’s been in this relationship with A, recently T, her ex-boyfriend, has messaged her. He told her that they’re soulmates, that the universe wants them to be together and all the corny stuff that romance movies talk about.
T seems to be using all the lines to try to get her to leave her current boyfriend and go out with him. But it doesn’t seem like Lisa is taking T too seriously based on the fact that her and T only dated for a week, which is interesting. Lisa is wondering why he is so persistent when they have no past. A week isn’t a lot of time in a relationship. She’s wondering if he’s crazy or if he’s just lonely.
From what I understand of your situation, Lisa, I find it fascinating that T, your ex-boyfriend who you dated before A, is coming back almost five years later. Maybe it’s even longer, depending on how long you dated him and got together with your new boyfriend. It could even be longer than five years that he’s come out of the blue, acting like this.
I don’t know if the two of you stayed in touch or were on friendly terms. If you were on friendly terms throughout the relationship with A, where you were commonly talking to your ex-boyfriend T, you have him in the friend zone and rely on him for emotional things or gave him an inclination that the two of you were together, then I could understand his actions a little bit more.
But from the information you gave me, it doesn’t seem like that’s happened. It seems like he has come out of the blue here. He’s messaging you and essentially telling you to leave your boyfriend and go with him because the universe wants you to be together and you’re soulmates.
Like I said, if you had been in constant contact with T throughout the relationship with A, you’ve seen T in person, you’re strictly friends and nothing else and you’ve never flirted with him, I could see how he would think that the universe would want you to be together.
First, let’s talk about T in general. What we have here is an ex-boyfriend who wants you back. For a lot of the women who listen to this podcast, they’re trying to get in your position. They’re trying to get in a position where their ex-boyfriends are actively chasing after them and making the speech that T is making to you.
Right now, you’re in an amazing place. It doesn’t seem like you want your ex back. It seems like you’re just trying to understand his motivation. I do feel the need to warn you that, if you don’t nip this in the bud, it can become a problem, especially with your current relationship.
I don’t know the state of your current relationship. Perhaps it’s as good as ever and you’re happy. Maybe you’re not thinking of leaving A. I will say that men in general are territorial. We will get jealous of exes. I would certainly get jealous of my wife’s exes if they came back into the picture and were doing what T is doing. If they said, “Be with me. The universe wants us together,” I would be pretty furious.
Make sure you find a really soft way of breaking the news to your boyfriend that this happened. If you don’t tell your current boyfriend, A, that your ex-boyfriend has been contacting you and this is what he said, it could backfire. What’s worse, him hearing it from you when it happens or him hearing it a month down the road and knowing that you hid it from him?
If you hide it from him and he does find out, he’s going to think that you’re hiding more things. He may potentially think that you’re cheating on him, when you’re clearly not. You’re just trying to understand your ex’s actions. That’s my warning about talking to your current boyfriend about the situation. The last thing you want to do is leave him out to dry.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIt seems like your ex-boyfriend, T, just went through a breakup. It is logical that he is looking for comfort. They often compare breakups to some of the worst things imaginable. As gloomy as this sounds, some people go as far as taking their own lives over breakups. That is bizarre to me. Again, no man is ever worth your life. Breakups hurt people a lot.
Women are kind of better at talking about these breakups and their feelings with their friends. They network with their friends a lot better than men do. I’ve always had this theory that men are much more physical than women. Women are better at fitting in social situations than men.
This is the best way that I can explain this. I currently own two websites in the relationship niche. There is the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website, which this podcast is attached to. I also have another “brother” website to Ex-Boyfriend Recovery called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery. I know this may get a little too technical for some of you listening. Bear with me here. I promise there is a point to this.
When I was doing research for coming up with the idea of what I was going to invest my time into, I was always interested in the idea of relationships, but I didn’t know what area of relationships to go into and become an expert at. I did my research and determined that helping women repair their relationships with their exes is what I wanted to do. So then I created a website on that.
But then I started getting the idea, “I wonder how many men are searching online for advice on how to get their ex-girlfriends back.” I looked at this tool. It’s created by Google. It shows you how many people are typing in a given phrase. I typed in the word “ex-boyfriend” and it came up with about 20,000 searches a month. That means, according to Google, that 20,000 people go to their computers each month and search for the phrase “ex-boyfriend.” That is probably not accurate. It probably gets more like 250,000 searches.
Here’s the point. When I went into the tool and searched “ex-girlfriend” for men, it had substantially more searches than the women. I got to thinking, “Why is this?” I think I figured out the answer. I think it’s because men don’t like to talk about their pain. They don’t like to admit weakness to other men.
The way our species has evolved, it’s survival of the fittest. A man will make fun of another man for complaining or crying about a breakup. What do they do? They go online where they can search things in secret, where they don’t have to feel like an outsider amongst their own group of friends.
Women, on the other hand, are better at talking things out. This relates to you, Lisa, in the fact that T probably doesn’t have an outlet where he feels comfortable expressing himself after his breakup with his current girlfriend. As a result, he’s bottling up his extra emotions inside. He just went through a breakup. He’s even more likely to look for comfort because he’s not able to process or deal with the emotions that need to be dealt with after a breakup.
Let’s move on here. I want to give you a warning. If you do end up leaving your boyfriend, A, which I’m not recommending but you did post on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery site that deals with helping exes get back together. If you were to go out with T, your ex-boyfriend, you would be a rebound. He just got through a breakup.
You would be a rebound. Rebound relationships don’t stand the test of time. Some of them do. The last time that I wrote about rebound relationships was for Ex-Girlfriend Recovery a few months ago. I found some research that said that rebound relationships can be quite healthy for people.
But I don’t think that they stand the test of time. It’s not going to be the same as a normal relationship where the person is ready to get into a long-term relationship. It seems like T, your ex-boyfriend, is not ready to get into a long-term relationship.
Here’s the point. You’re wondering if he’s crazy or if he’s just lonely. Why is he so persistent at trying to get you to go out with him? I think it has to do with the grass is greener syndrome. For those of you who aren’t familiar, I’ve talked a lot about this on the podcast. I may have even created a podcast about it. I will link to the grass is greener syndrome article in the show notes.
I’m going to give you a quick crash course on the grass is greener syndrome. This says that the grass is greener on the other side. Let’s pretend that you and I are dating. Towards the end of our relationship, I look at you and think to myself, “I could do better.” I break up with you and I start looking around for a woman who is better than you.
In my mind, you’ve created a bar that you set yourself on. It’s a scale of one to ten. Let’s pretend that my experience in the relationship with you was an eight, but I felt I could get something better, like a nine or ten. Then I date a new girl, who rates as a nine for me. I’m going to think to myself, “I’m so glad I left that relationship. I found someone better.”
This works both ways. Let’s say that my experience in the relationship with you was an eight. I went out with someone new, who was a six. All of a sudden I think, “I made a big mistake.” The grass was not greener on the other side.
Here’s what I think happened. This is going to get complicated. I’m going to do my best to explain it. It does tie in directly to the grass is greener syndrome. You only dated your ex-boyfriend, T, for a week. That’s not a long time. What I think happened is, in that week, he had an amazing time with you.
I’m assuming that you broke up with him. I’m making assumptions here that may not be true. If what I’m saying here is not true, leave a comment in the comments section of this episode. I will be glad to give you my thoughts after I get more of the facts. For now, I’m going to operate under the assumption that you broke up with T after a week. You weren’t feeling it.
We need to look at how he feels. Let’s pretend that, in that week, T had the best time of his life. He’s never experienced a week like that with a woman since. He’s constantly looking for it. Even though it was only a week, the bar with you was a ten. Remember, the honeymoon period is a real thing. The honeymoon period states that, when you go out with someone, the beginning is going to be flowers, happiness and Disney.
It’s going to be great. But eventually, it levels out to a normal level. The honeymoon period is in play here, especially if you only dated him for a week. I’m assuming that he’s going to prioritize his week with you as the best it’s ever been. It was a true ten on the grass is greener scale. When we was looking for a woman after you, he’s always comparing that woman to the high standard that you set during that week of a ten. He’s not been able to find it because, what I didn’t tell you about the scale is that it’s a sliding and moving scale.
Let’s pretend that you and I are dating. I break up with you because I think that I could do better. Let’s pretend that my experience in the relationship with you is an eight. In my mind, when I look back at our relationship, I think, “That was an eight out of ten. That was good but not the greatest it could have been.” I think I could do better. I start dating a new girl.
At the beginning of the relationship, I’m high on the honeymoon period. I’m rating my relationship with the new girl as a ten. Let’s say, four or five years down the road, that ten has slipped to a six. Things were so great at the beginning, but I’m comparing them to the scale of when I left my relationship with you, which was an eight.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe scale with the new girl started off as a ten. As our relationship grew deeper and things went on longer, even though the new girl was a ten, it eventually slid down to a six. Since I ended my relationship with you at an eight, I’m always comparing everyone’s number to that relationship until someone can beat it consistently or state at a level above an eight. Since this girl is a six, it’s no good.
What I think happened with you, Lisa, is that your ex-boyfriend has you at a ten. He can’t find anyone who beats you. He’s not smart enough to realize that he was in the midst of a honeymoon period when he dated you. You really have no past.
When you say that you have no past, you really don’t. You only dated for a week. A week is not long enough for the honeymoon period to go away. Sometimes it can take years for the honeymoon period to settle down to where it’s at a normal level. Maybe the honeymoon period is a ten but it drops you down to an eight normally.
That’s a great way to set the bar, but he’s not smart enough to realize that he was experiencing the honeymoon period when he was with you. No one is going to beat that level if he’s with them long enough. Since he’s coming off a breakup, he’s even more susceptible to trying to rekindle the relationship. In his mind, if he gets you back, you’re going to make him happier than anyone will.
But you won’t because, eventually, the honeymoon period will wear off for him. Again, that’s why I’m not recommending that you get him back, especially since you were with him for a week. I’m assuming that you broke up with him, probably because you were not feeling things with him. That’s what I think is going on.
When you ask why he’s so persistent, I think it has to do with the bar theory that I just explained. You set the bar so high for him in that one week that he wants it back. He’s so persistent at getting you back.
Is he crazy or lonely? I do think he’s a little bit lonely. I don’t think he’s crazy. I think he’s motivated by finding someone that’s going to make him happy. He thinks that you’re the only one who can make him as happy as he can possibly be. I do think there is merit in the argument that he is lonely because he just went through a breakup. You would be a rebound, which would probably cause your bar to lower for him.
Those are my thoughts on your ex-boyfriend and why he’s acting the way he’s acting, by talking to you and saying that the universe wants you to be together, and that you’re soulmates, even though you were only together for a week. Again, I would love to have more information about this situation. It’s interesting to me. I would love to know if you kept in contact with your ex-boyfriend while you were dating A, your current boyfriend.
That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery podcast. I want to give you the bite-sized episodes that you’re hoping for, provide a lot of value and give you some insight into how men think. I know this wasn’t as action-packed an episode as I was hoping it would be. But I have some really interesting ideas for the podcasts coming up.
I am committed to continuing recording these podcasts. I really want the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast to be a success. I know I haven’t asked in a while, but it would tremendously help me out if you could go to iTunes and leave an honest review for me. I don’t care if it’s bad. Just leave an honest review of what you think of this podcast. Every little bit helps.
How many reviews I get is a function of how high in the rankings you get for the podcasts. This podcast can only be successful as long as it stays high in the rankings. Right now, we’re not doing as well as I was hoping. If you could, it would help me out tremendously if you hopped over to iTunes and left an honest review. I will link to that in the show notes of this episode.
That’s going to do it for today’s episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment on the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode37. Thanks for listening. It’s been a pleasure having you. Thanks for being a fan.
Kaye
April 15, 2016 at 1:27 pm
Hey Chris, I started seeing a guy in October and things were fantastic. He messaged me loads and arranged to see me at least once a week ( which is difficult as he has 2 jobs and a daughter from a previous relationship). Then in January he found out he has a son. He included me in everything, told me how he felt about it all and even made me meet his dad. Then in February he started withdrawing and stopped messaging me, always replied but never initiated it. His daughters mom also stopped him seeing their daughter which really depressed him and he had to get a solicitor but now that’s been resolved. Then in March I asked him if he still wanted to see me and he said he did he was just really busy but still no contact from him. Then 2 weeks ago I messaged him again and asked him if he was still into it and he said yes just exhausted. I work with him in one of his jobs and he has been distant at work too but he does look incredibly shattered. I am on the 10th day of no contact and wondered if the no contact rule works if you were never technically in a relationship so you never actually broke up? Also will it work if he is genuinely very busy? I work with him on weekends and I’m trying to keep a little space between us (also no one knows about us at work anyway so that’s a little easier). I don’t know if no contact is the right thing to do or not, please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 3:31 am
Hi Kaye,
I think it’s not the best time. If he’s really busy, then it won’t work. Give each other space..Give him space by being busy with your own life too.. in the right time, if he really likes you, he will come back himself.
sweetie
July 4, 2015 at 8:39 am
hello chris….my ex is begging to talk to me during nc what should I do plz advice me….
Chris Seiter
July 8, 2015 at 11:58 pm
How many texts has he sent you so far during NC?
Sarah
July 4, 2015 at 1:42 am
Hi Chris,
Agai I broke no contact as Im unsure if its the right thing given his current situation with his cancer and what I believe is his depression. I used another first intiation text, trying to jog his memory about an amazing trip we had to Queenstown, NZ (We are from NZ). Basically he responded straight away but eventually he turned it around into a sexual chat, about the things we had done on that trip. I had felt like things were going well and invited him to meet me for a drink, and he asked where I wanted to go and I replied (somewhere between our two houses, in the middle). And he completely ignored my answer and carried on making sexual responses. I tried to end the conversation on a high, trying to leave him wanting more based on your module about how to seduce a man. I guess today I feel pretty crap, like Im an idiot. To be honest I feel really rejected.
He was very into the conversation (obviously) but I didnt get what I wanted out of it (a meet up) and Im afraid he is only into the sexual side of our past relationship now rather than for me as a whole. When we broke up, he made it clear that he hadnt stayed with me just for sex, it wasnt about that, because he said if he wanted sex it wouldnt be hard to get it elsewhere, so he wouldnt have stayed with me if that was all he was after.
Im now thinking that maybe the no contact was right. I should be keeping my distance… make him miss ME.
But im pretty sure he will be talking to other women. I know he does this for his ego, which hurts me to think about, but I understand in a way.
Ive also got this other guy actively pursuing me. He seems nice, but it only makes me realise that he isnt the one I want. I want my ex, but it also hurts that my ex isnt making any effort like this new guy is.
My heads all over the place.
Can you give me insight into if NC is the right move here given my situation? I really dont know what to do…
M.
June 30, 2015 at 5:40 pm
My ex boyfriend who has a gf a year now still keeps me on fb(without talking or like anything of course). He owes me Money that hasn’t given me although he said he would and I already has asked them once.I kept him too because I followed your advice and tryied everything you said but nothing.I can’t stand him anymore,mostly because she seems to look like me in appearence and character,it’s so disturbing and I feel very akward starting a conversation with him even to just ask my Money. lately he’s started posting photos with the two of them everytime I post sth and I can’t stand it anymore.Also he changed his profile photo to one with her kissing him and his cover with a quote saying sth like ”to tell you the truth I don’t feel anymore…I’m sick of it”..I have no idea if that went for me or no but I really see no hope winning him back..I feel such a loser, I want to just delete him..What do you beleive?Is it over for good?? What should I do?
Maddy
June 30, 2015 at 5:28 am
Hi Chris,
My Boyfriend broke up with me day before. He had actually done that last week too but then we patched up again. He says we can be friends and nothing more. His reason is that he is not able to concentrate on anything but me. This is a really strange reason to break up with someone. I am certain he is not cheating,etc so that is out of question. All he says is he can’t concentrate on his career and family along with a relationship. He says we have no future as we live in two different cities. This I do not think is a huge problem as this comes into picture when he goes back (we study in the same city and live nearby. This is my actual residence and he lives approx 8hrs from here) .The future he is talking about is two years away. He says we share a very strong bond and if we don’t break up now later on will be a difficulty. This person spoke to me of getting married only a month ago and suddenly out of the blue he broke up saying his condition (being lost and not being able to concentrate) only he understands. I tried to help a lot but he pushed me away. We are in the same class so no contact will be difficult. Although he did say we can be friend and nothing more. Please help me understand what this issue is. Is there any hope? What should I do?
Barbara
June 28, 2015 at 3:42 am
I am a huge fan of your website and especially like your podcast. I listen to them daily to educate and encourage myself.
I am also excited about your coaching idea.
Would you consider writing an article on what to do when your ex boyfriend keep giving you neutral (disinterested) responses?
I found myself in this situation and it seems like it’s happening to many other girls too.
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:19 pm
Thanks Barbara,
I took a break for a week but I am going to be back with a new podcast this week.
CAn you give me an example of a neutral response?
Sarah
June 28, 2015 at 12:40 am
Hi Chris, not sure if my previous messages went through, its no longer here saying that its pending confirmation/awaiting moderation or whatever the line is that comes up. So wanted to check it has been received and hasn’t been lost somewhere in cyberspace??
I’m the Sarah you used as your example in your last module… and im devastated to say that things have taken a turn for the worst and I once again need your help. I have a very complicated situation involving a boyfriend who has been diagnosed with Cancer. Yup, the big C word.
I’m happy to be your guinea-pig if you like… perhaps a module on how to know if a boyfriend is trying to protect you by dumping you/ boyfriend with emotional issues? If thats even a thing…
Is it possible that if he is depressed that he would push me away if he thinks Im better off? Do guys do that? To be honest, I probably wouldnt…
Please feel free to private message me on the email address attached to this message.
I want him back and I am day 2 into NC. He told me he loves me but right now he isnt happy in himself and he doesnt have it in him to give me what I deserve right now. He admitted hes down, and has been for months. Infact it was the reason he broke up with me the first time, and yup, same excuse this time. He cried, I cried, the whole thing was a mess. He finds it very hard to open up to me, and I have only ever seen him cry on two other occassions – when he told me about his dad who abandoned him as a kid, and has since found out had chosen drugs over him, and the second time was when he broke up with me the first time. He didnt even cry once when he told me about the cancer, so I know when he cries he is genuine as he is very much a macho man and doesnt like to show his emotions.
I love this man with all my heart. And again he told me he was still in love with me, but didnt feel like he could give himself fully to me, when he wasnt even happy with himself….he told me he didnt feel like he could give me what he felt I deserved. I like to think that perhaps he is trying to do what he thinks is the right thing and let me go, rather than dragging me into his cancer struggle and his unhappiness in himself. We dont fight, im only ever supportive and encouraging, I do admit that I am very much too available for him which I know is my down fall, but otherwise we used to have a very fun and loving relationship.
I need advice big time.
Thanks Chris, I eagerly await any advice you have on this difficult situation.
Sincerely, the Sarah who wants to be the success story again…
Sarah
June 30, 2015 at 8:25 am
Thanks Chris, its been extremely hard…
I did my best to support him, encourage him, and tried to keep things light for the most part and cheer him up when I could. In the end I guess he possibly was trying to protect me by pushing me away, and maybe he thought he just couldnt handle being in a relationship when he only wanted (and needs) to think about himself.
What I then wonder is, will NC be the right move here still given the situation? I broke my initial contact two days into it, complimented a drawing he did and had put up a picture of. Basically said id forgotten how good he was at drawing. He replied straight away (via snapchat) with a photo of his drawing and that he was enjoying getting into it again :). I was mad at myself for breaking no contact so I didnt reply. Well, for an hour. Then I sent him a message saying I got caught up with something, but that id watched a movie we had once seen together at the movies, and that it had reminded me of a certain funny moment and that the look on his face was hilarious, and that it made me smile thinking about it. Basically i sent an early first initial text – I guess to gauge where I stood with him mood wise – if he was angry, or hurt, or what.
He responded immediately and laughed about the moment I mentioned and said it has been a fun night. I agreed that it had been a funny night, that it had been the hardest id laughed in ages 🙂 I knew i had to end the conversation first and told him I was heading out (I may have fibbed) and to have a good night. He responded again straight away and agreed again it was a lot of fun, and said okay have fun 🙂 goodnight. Ive now on day 2 of NC (again).
Im just not sure whether NC is the right move, or if remaining in contact given his current mood towards me and the cancer situation is okay?
Really want this man in my life.
How do I convince him that even though he is possibly depressed, that that doesnt change the way I view him or the fact I still want to be with him?
Regards,
Sarah
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:20 pm
I am so sorry about the cancer…
I hate to hear that.
It is very possible that he is depressed and pushed you away.
SarahEmily
June 27, 2015 at 5:41 am
Hi Chris, have a very complicated situation…
Basically my ex and I dated for about 9 months and then we broke up with him telling me he was unhappy in himself and I deserved more. I did the 30 day NC rule and eventually we got back together, with him telling me that letting me go was the stupidest thing hes ever done, and that he never stopped loving me. Initially he made a lot of effort with me, 50/50 txt split, going out on dates, but eventuall that began to fizzle out and he was hesitent about me linking him in things on FB because he “hadnt told everyone yet and he couldnt be bothered having to explain everything to everyone on FB since he was embarrassed that he had messed up and came running back to me”. I accepted this for a while.
After about 2 months of being together and him slowly becoming more distant he admitted to be that he found out he had cancer (he found this out after we got back together). I therefore put down his distance to him knowing something was wrong with his health and not knowing how to handle or approach the subject with me. I of course did everything i could to offer support and encouragement, trying to be a positive influence rather than adding to his stress by crying all the time and asking a lot of questions. He refused to let me come to any appointments as he wanted them to remain as casual as possible, and me being there would only make things more real. I accepted this. He had his surgery and for 2 weeks after his surgery I felt like he was back to his old self again, more attentive, telling me he loved me etc etc. I cooked him a big 3-course meal and he was very affectionate and loving etc. Two days later he found out he needed chemo, which he was dreading, and it was like a switch was flicked and he automatically became distant again. I gave him several days to process this were i sent him a txt telling him that i loved him, and that I was going to be there with him through everything, good and bad.
2 days after this was our 1 year anniversary (despite the fact we had a breakup in between). I sent him a long very sweet and complimentary text explaining how i felt about him and how proud i was of how he has handled everything, and that I loved him and will always stand by him, through thick and thin. I recieved a txt saying that my message was incredibly sweet but that he really needed to talk to me. This was when i knew he was ending things with me…again.
We met and he explained to me that he was unhappy in himself (as he had said last time we had broken up) and that it wasnt fair to drag me along and drag me down with him, when he couldnt offer me his best right now. He admitted that he was feeling really down and that he needed to find out why he was unhappy and fix it, but that it wasnt fair to keep me when he couldnt offer his full self in order to make me happy. He told me that it had absolutely nothing to do with me, that I have done everything possible to make him happy, and have gone above and beyond and that he was grateful for that. He was highly upset – as was I, we both cried, he hugged me and wouldnt let go, the whole thing was very traumatic. And although it sounds like the typical “its not you, its me” speech, I do believe he was genuine in his reasons. After all, he has a lot on his plate right now.
I asked him if he thought he was depressed, and he took a long pause and said he was down, but did not admit to being depressed. He also apologised for hurting me and when I asked why he got back together with me the first time he said it was because he thought he could fix himself, and that he knows what he had with me, but that his happiness with himself hasnt changed.
So now I dont know what to do. He has deleted me as a friend (along with all my family members and friends) on FB and told me he figured it would help. Not sure if he meant it would help him or me…
So my question is, do I have a chance?
I did the whole begging thing, told him I loved him, etc etc – i know, it was bad, and i shouldve known better having read and bought the book. Do I have a chance….and SHOULD I be trying to get him back at all with everything that is going on in his life at this time? He is about to start chemo in the next week or two. I want to be there fore him and support him, but I dont know how i can do that if I am supposed to be in the NC period. My heart is completely torn in two, I love this man with everything that I am, and I want this to work. But I also want him to be happy… I think I can make him happy, but I know he needs to figure out how to be happy with himself first or it will never work, with me or anyone else.
I questioned him as to how it was so easy for him to just cut me out of his life. He replyed saying that wasnt fair as I had done just that the last time we broke up (e.g. implementing the 30-day NC period on him). Given the situation is a NC period the right thing to do?? I have no idea what do to Chris, I need advice…
HELP!!!!!
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:22 pm
If I had cancer I would probably push people away too…
That’s what I think is happening here.
SarahEmily
June 27, 2015 at 5:50 am
Also, if he does decide he wants me back, should I take him back given his history? Is he only trying to make himself feel better by trying to fill this void he has in himself and his own happiness? Am I only lining myself up to get hurt again here.
I sound pathetic, but I honestly believe this guy is the one, and at one stage he also told me the same, that he wanted me to be the one he saw walking down the isle towards him…
I am just so confused and hurt… All of this only happened several days ago also. Today is the first day we have not been in contact. I should also mention that although he deleted me of FB, he has not blocked my number for texting, nor has he blocked me off snapchat or any other apps we have. So im assuming this could be a positive sign…or at least not a completely bad one…
Last time it took him 2 weeks before he contacted me. He then also uploaded old photos of us together, and sweet messages i had sent him.
(Sadly, yes, I am the girl who told you I hoped id never have to visit this site again…and Im definitely eating my words now)
CatPeople
June 24, 2015 at 10:22 pm
Hey Chris! Well, I contacted my ex after 5 weeks since the last time. The last time I went NC for a month and I recieved a weird response, maybe you remember, it was the one where he told me not to respond, the time you thought I was talking to you but I was actually quoting him haha.
Anyway, yesterday we talked a little (I iniciated), and it was pretty weird because for a moment he flirted with me and when I responded in a flirty manner too, he said this: “I honestly don’t want to be rude, I like you, and have good memories of our relationship, but I don’t care about being a part of your life, not even as a friend. I don’t have time for friendships, whether it is men or female, last friday I went out with my friends for the last time and I even told them. Yesterday I got into college, I went in the uni I wanted and I’ll be coming and going on the bus everyay. So I can’t and don’t want to talk to people. Hope you understand.”, he talks about friendship because I told him that I would like to ve his friend, since treat each other as strangers feels wrong (honestly, if we become friends, I know I can make him fall again, but I just need to pass the resistence!)…so, what do you think Chris? Should I persue in a few months? Or just accept defeat? :/ I don’t want to!
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:26 pm
I say reasses in a month or two and see how you are feeling.
You may find you don’t want him back after a month.
bees
June 23, 2015 at 5:52 pm
Hi Chris,
So my ex left me once and came back a week later saying he acted like a jerk and apologized. Then after a few months he left me again. Our relationship was long distance (in the US) and the second time I moved back to my country. Before I left he told me he’s in the process of getting a european passport, that things would work out one day, that he just can’t commit right now, that he doesn’t want to cut me off, etc… We are very alike and very connected in every way, and he told me I was great and that we had an awesome relationship. He also told me that he’s happy now, alone. I’m done with NC in one week but I’m scared of contacting him soon, cause he doesn’t want to commit, and I think 30 days won’t be enough for him to change his mind about that. I’m scared that contacting him will be interpreted as weak and needy, and that’s the last thing I’m aiming for. I’m not scared about him not answering, cause I know he will, but just the way he will do it (cause he is very distant now). I don’t know what to do. Should I make the NC last longer?
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:31 pm
You can make it last as long as you want.
Well, I take that back.
No longer than 60 days.
Jessie
June 22, 2015 at 7:33 pm
Chris, I’m not sure if I messed up permanently or not. I did a perfect no contact and he was so clearly, clearly wanting me back. We had an amazing first date. Then at the end of the night, I screwed up and asked what we’re doing and asked if he wants to take it slow. He started crying and said he doesn’t know, he said he was just enjoying spending time with me again, he said he’ll talk to a counsellor to figure out his issues. After that, the rest of the night he was still loving and didn’t want to let me go.
I didn’t hear from him for 3 days and then I contacted him to ask him out again. He turned me down and said he may always regret the decision but he doesn’t want to take it slow and string me along in case he decides to end things again. It became a huge dramatic thing, I sent lots of emotional emails to him and to his parents (blaming them for not supporting the marriage), and he was super mad and at first he said the bridge between us is burned and he doesn’t want to be friends any more.
But then we had a nice, really open, really honest conversation on the phone where we kind of sorted out our issues and we agreed if we tried again we would know what to do to make it work, but that right now we’re not in the right place to reunite, that he still needs counselling and I still need to work on myself. I told him that we’re clearly perfect for each other and we have amazing chemistry (he agreed) and the timing just seems to be wrong because I’m in a life transition stage and we both have some more maturing to do (he agreed). I said someday if he changes his mind, let me know, and if I’m not dating anyone by then, then we know it’s meant to be. He agreed with that, he said if we’re both single when we’re 40 let’s just remarry. He also told me not to wait for him to decide if he wants to be with me before moving on (not good…) and he said he’d like to keep in touch as friends but he did also say he doesn’t want to hear about it if I am dating someone new (good!). And he wanted to talk logistics about the divorce but I said I need space for a few weeks before doing that.
Now I’m in no-contact again. We broke up almost 2 months ago at this point.
My question to you: Is it possible, given the changes in the situation, to re-start no-contact and try to do everything all over again, this time without trying to move so fast on the first date, and succeed? Or does it now sound more likely that he’s going to be in a neutral place and be good with the breakup because I basically said it’s for the best?
Should I move on or try again? Are my chances good or weak from what you read?
Jessie
June 29, 2015 at 9:20 pm
Hi Chris, to answer your question, yes we’re currently married. Got married a year ago.
So based on my last post, do you think my chances are weaker now and I should move on? Or chances are strong enough to try again?
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:36 pm
Wait, so you guys are currently married?
Jessica
June 22, 2015 at 4:10 pm
I’m kind of at the point where I am not sure I want him back. I still love him and miss him so much. BUT I found out that he had been talking to his ex-wife about our relationship even after i had asked him not to. He AGREED not to speak with her about the two of us. I respected his relationship with his ex (they have a 9 year-old daughter together). I just didn’t want him to talk about us with her. because if he’s talking about our relationship with her then he’s not talking to me about our relationship. I have to know my own boundaries. and this is a big one for me. I need to have someone that wants to only have a relationship with me and not pull other people into our relationship. relationships don’t work when there is a 3rd party involved.
So I am completely heartbroken and sad about him breaking my trust. I have been doing NC. I am on day 16. he has been texting every weekend since I initiated NC. I feel like, why is he contacting me? He initiated the breakup. I need time to figure out what I want. he unfriended me on FB. He dropped off all my stuff at my house after I left for work. his actions are ALL OVER the place.
Sigh….. on a plus I started running again and going to the gym. Getting back my physique makes me feel really good about my self. thank you for all the advice. Finding your site was a godsend!
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:36 pm
Thanks for the nice words Jessica.
I think self focus is a smart thing for anyone after a breakup.
ash
June 21, 2015 at 10:12 am
Chris I implemented NC very successfully n till few months everything between me n him was great and one day due to too much workload he ignored my text n call and I became call and text gnat for 3 days. This time he’s very angry because he told me many times in past not to be a call gnat if he cannot attend my call and I promised I will not repeat such mistake but this time he’s too much angry with me. Had I ruined all my chances? What to do now? please help.
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:38 pm
I wouldn’t say they are ruined at all.
Anonymous
June 20, 2015 at 8:18 pm
Never mind, just read one of your other articles “common mistakes women make when trying to get their ex boyfriend back” and the answer is no. Mistake #11
Asha
June 20, 2015 at 6:40 pm
My ex finally opened up to me after 1 month been extremely cold to me. He said I want someone 24 hours around me and not allow to have his own friends espacilly friend girls. He said he is physically attract to me crazily but that is not the only thing as a couple. He said we have been together for 6 years and I never change…
I really don’t feel I am that needy as he said… But I didn’t want to fight so I agreed.
He said there is no other girl make him so greatful and make him wants to get ride off me, he said he cannot be friend with now Bcoz he is physically attract to me, and he doesn’t think we can just become fuck buddy now without thinking of going back together. He said that’s why he refuse to see me …he said after with me, In other two years, he will see girls but he doesn’t want to be in the relationship with anyone.
So I agreed, I said okay, but let’s end in the happy way rather than be sad and depressed.
I said to him I listened and followed everything he told me to do, even it was difficult to me… Moving out, separating, breaking up… I tried to convince him for 20 mins, and he tried his best to stay logical and in the end he agreed.
So we had sex, and it was great as usual. He said that’s why he doesn’t want to see me, because he will go crazy with me.
But after sex and watched a episode TV show with me,he decide to go back home. He said this is the last time and he said don’t contact him related to our relationship anymore.
I said okay, see u.
He smiled, he said I proproblly will see u next week again, u will not stop contact me…
I didn’t know what to say… I want to tell him I am not as he thought- want him 24 hours and isolate him from his friends. As long as he doesn’t cheat I’m fine… But he won’t believe me…
I don’t know what to do now after he finally opened up to me… Will NC works on this? – two ppl still have list and attract to each other, but have some misunderstanding that cannot cleaer up…
Chris Seiter
July 15, 2015 at 6:35 pm
NC can work in this situation!
Anonymous
June 20, 2015 at 12:54 pm
Hi Chris! I left you an audio yesterday but I forgot to ask … I’m on full blockage after a failed act of grand gesture – I broke up w/ him on Wed, felt awful, and went to his apt to surprise him w/ dinner Friday. He got so angry at me for invading his space and now I’m pegged as a psycho. His birthday is in less than two weeks. Should I email him to wish him a happy birthday (not expecting him to reply) or just stay with NC?
Jessie
June 18, 2015 at 11:37 pm
How do I get on that coaching waitlist???
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:59 pm
I haven’t created it yet but if you keep checking the site I will unveil it eventually.
M.
June 18, 2015 at 6:40 pm
My ex boyfriend who has a gf a year now still keeps me on fb(without talking or like anything of course). He owes me Money that hasn’t given me although he said he would and I already has asked them once…I kept him too because I followed your advice and tryied everything you said but he’s still with her…I can’t stand him anymore,mostly because she seems to look like me in appearence AND character,it’s so disturbing and I feel very akward starting a conversation with him even to just ask my Money. lately he’s started posting photos with the two of them everytime I post sth and I can’t stand it anymore.Also he changed his profile photo to one with her kissing him and his cover with a quote saying sth like ”to tell you the truth I don’t feel anymore…I’m sick of it”..I have no idea if that went for me or no but I really see no hope winning him back..I feel such a loser, I want to just delete him..What do you beleive?Is it over for good?? What should I do?