Something strange happens to me whenever I meet someone for the first time and they ask,
“What do you do for a living?”
At first I used to brim with confidence and tell them,
“I help people with breakups. More specifically, I help women to either recover emotionally from their most recent breakup or help them get their ex back.”
Personally I think it’s a pretty kick-ass job… But the people I would tell didn’t think so.
Oftentimes their face would look like this,
And then they would say something like,
“Why would anyone want to get back with their ex?”
or
“Is it even possible to get back with an ex?”
Pretty soon after this happened enough times I felt like it was a hassle to tell people what I did for a living because they are too overcome by their preconceived notions. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that strangers aren’t the only one with preconceived about getting an ex boyfriend back.
Care to take a guess at who else has them?
YOU!
Without a doubt one of the top questions that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery on a daily basis is,
“Do I have a chance?”
or
“Is this even possible?”
Society has beaten the idea that it’s next to impossible to win an ex boyfriend back into your head and I will admit that when I started this journey several years ago this is what I thought too. However, after helping people with their situations on a daily basis I learned that, that isn’t exactly the case and I have the statistics to back me up.
But more on that later.
First, I think it would be smart of us to study these preconceived notions since they bog so many of you down.
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What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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What Society Thinks Of Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back
I have a story to tell you that I think will perfectly sum up what the general world out there thinks of breakups and exes.
I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery way back in 2012 but it really didn’t take off until 2013. In fact, I think that is when I first wrote Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. Anyways, I remember being super proud of what I was doing and I remember it was just mind boggling to me at the time that thousands of women were coming to my website every single day for advice on their situations.
But for me personally life hadn’t really changed that much. I was the same ole Chris Seiter.
Well, one day my mom asked for my help at a function and being the awesome son I am,
I decided to help her out.
Now, it’s been a while so I don’t exactly remember what I was doing but all I know is that it required a lot of people and even though these people were strangers to me they did know my mom quite well.
Anyways, I remember one of the male strangers came up to me and struck up a conversation.
Of course, when a conversation is struck up it’s almost guaranteed that the inevitable “question” is going to get asked.
“So Chris, what do you do for a living?”
Without hesitation I said,
“I help people for a living who are going through breakups. Specifically, I teach them to get their exes back.”
To which the stranger replied,
“Why would you want to do that? Once someone breaks up they should stay that way.”
Then this guy has the audacity to give my mom this look,
What an a**hole.
I remember looking at this guy and wanting to punch him,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo I did.. and that’s the first and only time I have ever been to jail. That’s how much I care about you guys…
…
…
…
Ok, I didn’t punch him and go to jail.
But it probably would have made me feel better if I did.
Anyways, the point of me telling you that fun little story is to teach you that most people despise the idea of getting back with an ex.
They have this preconceived notions about it.
What are the preconceived notions?
The Preconceived Notions
- It’s not possible to get an ex back
- It’s not a good idea to get back with an ex
- You broke up with your ex for a reason… a good reason
In fact, I think I touched on this in my post on how to handle disapproving friends or family.
But preconceived notions don’t just affect other people, they can affect you too.
I mean, why do you think I get so many questions sounding like this,
“Chris, do I even have a chance?”
or this,
“I feel like this is impossible to succeed in. What do you think?”
Personally, I think it’s for two reasons.
Reason One: The Preconceived Notions Got To You
Lets pretend that you want your ex boyfriend back more than anything in the world (you probably do.) In fact, you want him back so much that you tell your best friend about how you are feeling and instead of being supportive they feed you the preconceived notion BS I just covered above,
“Oh no Sally (I hope your name is Sally 😉 ) you are better off without him.”
Or
“Sally, it’s not a good idea to get back together.”
Or my personal favorite,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz“Once an ex… always an ex.”
After hearing this every day for a week from your best friend, doubt starts to creep in to your mind.
Reason Two: YOU Have These Preconceived Notions
What if you actually grew up with these types of preconceived notions?
You believed that you should never get back with an ex…
That you should never even entertain the idea of getting back together with him...
You never possibly thought that you would find yourself in a position where you would be wanting an ex back. But then again, you have never met anyone who had such a hold over your heart as your ex boyfriend did.
The way he made you feel.
It was so powerful and you never want that feeling to go away.
Nevertheless, deep down in your heart you know that exes don’t get back together and this makes doubt creep into your mind.
Preconceived notions are a hell of a thing to combat but that’s what I am going to do today with this article. I am going to take all three of the preconceived notions I mentioned above and turn them on their head. I want to prove to you that society has it wrong and I have it right.
You ready?
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I’m Taking Down Preconceived Notions… Want To Join Me?
Are you ready to take down preconceived notions with me?
Yes?
Sweet!
Let’s begin.
I thought the smartest way to go about this was to first give you a list of all the preconceived notions that I will be breaking down in today’s guide.
These Preconceived Notions Are Going DOWN
- It’s not possible to get an ex back
- It’s not a good idea to get back with an ex
- You broke up with your ex for a reason… a good reason
“Hey Chris… Isn’t that the same exact list that you wrote before?”
Darn… I can’t get anything by you guys.
Ok, maybe I copy and pasted the same list right here. BUT the way I did it… with such passion and intensity… oh who am I kidding, lets just get right to it.
Preconceived Notion #1- It’s Not Possible To Get An Ex Back
This is the ultimate preconceived notion.
Most people think it’s a one and done after a breakup.
That when you break up you are supposed to stay broken up (more on that in a second.)
But here is the dirty little secret that people aren’t telling you.
A little under half of all breakups result in some type of re-connection down the road.
I know what you are thinking,
“A little under half? You are a freaking madman… I’m leaving.”
Don’t.
I wouldn’t make that kind of bold claim without any proof to back it up.
A few weeks ago a study done by AP-We TV caught my eye. Hell, it didn’t catch my eye it caught Yahoo News’ eye too.
Let me tell you how this went down.
One of the websites I visit frequently is Yahoo.com. I do this for a few reasons.
- They have interesting content to me
- I like to stay up to date with the news and that is my news source
Anyways, a few weeks ago I ended up taking my daily visit over to Yahoo and I was greeted with one of the most relevant headlines ever when you consider my chosen profession,
Now, for someone who teaches people to get back with their exes for a living you could see why I was interested. But still… being friends with an ex isn’t exactly the best way to win an ex back, I thought to myself. I wonder what else this “poll” covered?
And then I saw it.
The granddaddy of all poll numbers.
Over 4 in 10 who have experienced a break end up getting back together again.
I saw this and did a double take.
No, I am not quite sure that explains it. I saw it and did a quadruple take.
“That can’t be right. They must have miscounted. Let me see this poll,” I said.
And there it was.
Do you see it?
Do you see how 41 out of 100 people were asked,
Have you ever gotten back with an ex after a breakup?
And answered yes.
It sounds unreal, right?
Well, it’s not. Those are real numbers.
Here is what might be a little misleading though.
The poll is a little flawed in the fact that they only asked 100 people if they have gotten back with an ex before. Personally, I would like to see a poll asking 10,000 people. Nevertheless, we work with what we are given.
Another way the poll is misleading is the fact that the question wasn’t,
Do you get back with an ex every single time after a breakup?
It only asked if you have ever gotten back with an ex after a breakup before.
I mean, I highly doubt that every person who said,
Yes, I have gotten back with an ex before meant that they have gotten back with an ex every time they went through a breakup.
Nevertheless, 41 percent is good.
We can work with that.
But what about my experience with this site?
Do 41 percent of people who come here end up getting their ex back?
Nope, as much as I hate to admit this the real number is probably much lower than that.
But as cliche as this is going to sound, it’s not my fault, it’s yours!
“Wait, what do you mean it’s ours?”
I mean that I am giving you all the tools to succeed and all you have to do is to use those tools BUT a lot of you find it difficult to implement my advice.
But enough about that.
We are here to break down preconceived notions not to listen to another Chris Seiter rant.
The notion is that it’s impossible to get an ex back after a breakup. I think with that poll statistic I proved that it is very possible. Oh, and I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
Lets go back to the poll numbers.
100 people were asked if they had ever gotten back with an ex before and 41 of those people answered YES.
We get that but how much do you want to bet that the 100 people that were asked weren’t trained in the art of getting an ex back?
Something tells me that zero of them actually knew how to get an ex back and yet 41% of them were able to succeed.
So, lets enter this with an assumption.
Lets say that the 100 people that were asked in the poll all wanted to win an ex back. Now, lets assume that they came to one of my two websites (Ex Boyfriend Recovery (for women) or Ex Girlfriend Recovery (for men)) and learned all the correct rules for getting an ex back.
I wonder if that percentage would go up?
I wonder if 41% would turn into 60%?
Food for thought?
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Preconceived Notion #2- It’s Never A Good Idea To Get Back With An Ex
It’s never a good idea to get back with your ex boyfriend.
I can’t tell you how many times that I have come across a woman who says this.
Hmm…
I wonder what the statistics say?
After all, my word and experience pale in comparison to statistics (eye roll.)
Apparently when 100 people were asked whether or not it was worth it to stay friends with an ex after a breakup the answer was clear, NO!
60% think it’s not a good idea.
Wow, that is A LOT!
Now, I know that this isn’t exactly what we are looking at here with the preconceived notion of whether or not it’s a good idea to get back with an ex. However, I feel that a lot of times what happens in the recovery process is that exes do remain friends and ultimately use that as a springboard to get back together.
At least, that’s what the people who said that it isn’t worth it to stay friends with an ex are thinking.
I mean, why else would they think it’s not a good idea?
Probably because they have their own preconceived notion that remaining friends after a breakup will lead to a re connection and they think that’s a bad idea.
But here is an interesting question.
How many of these people actually did stay friends with an ex after a breakup?
Lets look at the statistics again.
51% of people…
Wait, Didn’t 60% of people think that it’s not a good idea to stay friends with an ex?
Talk about a failure to take their own advice.
Now, were the same exact people asked the same exact question?
I don’t know.
But I do know that this poll is “supposedly” accurate so I am just going to roll with it.
Now, what does any of this have to do with the preconceived notion we are talking about.
It’s really simple.
If we were to go out and do our own poll of the general population most men and women would say that it’s not a good idea to get back with your ex. However, when push comes to shove they can’t take their own advice.
I like to call it the hypocrisy phenomenon.
The Hypocrisy Phenomenon
You know what a hypocrite is, right?
Well, here is Google’s definition,
Hmm… that doesn’t really tell us much, does it?
Ok, let me Chris Seiterize this definition.
Chris Seiterize- Boil it down to it’s simplest form.
Actually, I am not quite sure I can take full credit for what I am about to say since someone else taught me this but for the life of me I can’t remember who.
Anyways, a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and then does another.
In other words, a person who says that they shouldn’t stay friends with an ex and then after a breakup they, as you guessed, stay friends with their ex is a hypocrite.
But can we really hold it against them?
All logical rules seem to get thrown out the window when a breakup occurs.
But I am getting off topic here.
I want to give you an example of someone who has fallen victim to the hypocrisy phenomenon.
But first… I need you to not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
No really… I could get in trouble and lose my credibility. 😉
This whole website was built on hypocrisy.
Now, before you start charging me with pitchforks hear me out.
When I write for this site I always start every article off with one singular thought,
“What would work on me?”
You see, I am of the mind that if a tactic will work on me then it will work on other men out there. However, every time I sit back and say,
“Oh, the no contact rule wouldn’t work on me…”
or
“Pshh… you think that text would work on me?”
I AM LYING!
Those two tactics would totally work on me. I mean, I wouldn’t have written about them if they wouldn’t work on me. I guess my point here is that everyone is a hypocrite in their own way.
And this is good news for you when it comes to recovering your ex boyfriend. Sure, maybe he will have a preconceived notion that getting back with you is a bad idea but as I have clearly demonstrated with the statistics above. Just because someone has a preconceived notion about something doesn’t necessarily mean that their actions are going to follow their preconceived notion.
Preconceived Notion #3- You Broke Up With Your Ex For A Reason… A Good Reason
You broke up for a reason, right?
or
Maybe they broke up with you for a reason.
But what that reason good?
Hmm…
I am not so sure.
First things first though, I am going to go outside my norm and get a bit negative here.
You ready?
Sometimes when people break up it’s a good thing. In fact, I would say that there are times where it’s the best thing. Let me give you an example.
I have created a team to help people through breakups.
I call this team, “The Ex Recovery Team,”
So you have me. I obviously come up with all the ideas and write all the content. Then we have Taylor. He designs everything. So, if you like the way the website works then that’s all him.
In fact, here is a funny story. I used to be in charge of that and I used to design the website all myself.
Care to take a gander at what it looked like?
Pretty crappy, right?
Next we have Amor.
I hired her because I was having a tough time keeping up with comments. So, most likely she will respond to your comments if you ask a question here on the website.
And then finally we have the big one.
My wife!
She is in charge of YouTube and marketing. Though I will say YouTube is really her specialty.
She loves that YouTube channel.
Anyways, when people ask a question via YouTube you most likely will be getting a response from her. Yesterday my wife told me a very interesting story.
Apparently someone who commented there started begging for her ex back.
Here’s the down low.
The woman’s ex boyfriend cheated on her which led the woman to act a bit crazy (but nothing too out of the ordinary.) And then the guy has the audacity to tell the woman that he’s “disappointed in her.”
Are you serious?
He cheats on her and he has the audacity to tell her that he’s disappointed in her?
Oh, but it gets even better.
The woman keeps trying to get her ex boyfriend back (who cheated on her) and the ex boyfriend seems like he’s willing to play along. Well, that’s the case until the girl he cheated with gets back to him and tells him that she’s late on her period and may be pregnant.
Now, when you are staring this situation down the barrel it’s not a bad thing that you have broken up with this kind of a guy.
In my opinion, it may be the best thing.
But not everyone has a crazy situation like this.
In other words, not everyone has broken up for a good reason.
Let me give you another example.
Lets say that you and your ex got into a fight and broke up.
What was your fight over?
Your exes inability to clean around the house.
You see, when two people in the relationship get into a fight it always has the potential to evolve due to past fights.
Let me dive a bit deeper.
Lets say that you get into a fight with your ex over his inability to clean around the house. This infuriates him and he calls you a “nag.” With one simple word he manages to infuriate you to the next level and you recall the time that you caught him flirting with a girl at his work and bring that up. Of course, after bringing it up for the thousandth time he is tired of apologizing and starts calling you names. The names make you so mad you fire back and the next thing you know you are in a full fledged knockout, drag out, fight that ultimately leads to your breakup.
So, let me get this straight.
You got into a fight over him not picking up some simple clothes on the ground and that lead to your demise.
That’s stupid.
Seriously, that is a stupid, stupid reason to break up.
But lets get back to the original question.
Does everyone break up for a good reason?
No way.
Are you nuts?
People break up for all kinds of stupid reasons all the time.
I wonder, why did you and your ex break up?
Ashley
October 23, 2021 at 6:10 pm
My ex broke up with me because he saw our relationship being like a previous one he was in where he was under her total control. She made him stop hanging out with his friends… all of his time, money and attention had to be on her. Now granted I wasn’t that bad, but I made some sarcastic comments and jokes that he didn’t understand as such and thought maybe I had underlying intentions under the sarcasm. He didn’t communicate with me about his fears in our relationship because he was probably treated poorly by his ex when he tried and figured I would act the same way. He told one of our mutual friends that he is 100% done and never coming back and he hopes I know that. I don’t know if I should try for a second chance or if I should really take him at his word and just be done with it. Since being apart I have changed… as far as who I am as a person no… but the bad habits that I formed in the relationship I can say with complete honestly I have grown and learned from. But how do you prove that to someone who is 100% done.
Ariel
January 5, 2021 at 7:21 pm
You know, I dont even know if this will work. Me and my ex have been dating for nine months. We broke up in November due to distance according to him. After our breakup, he proceeded to communicate with me for about a month. As the month went on, the communication began to dwindle so as it was not everyday like it was in the beginning. We talked for the last time on Christmas eve for 15 hours before he sent me a message that I have never responded too. I guess I officially began no contact then or he did. I am not too sure on who began it first. Then, I deleted him on social media because I wanted space and time to heal from the breakup. He sent me a friend request on snapchat the day before new years. I am not really sure what is going on between him and I. I would love some advice on how to deal with this whatever it is.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 6, 2021 at 8:46 pm
Hi Ariel, I think he added you back as he wanted to be civil more than anything. Or it took NYE to notice that you removed him. I would suggest that if you want to get him back as a boyfriend then you need to follow the rules of no contact and not accept his friend request or respond to anything the may send you for the next 30 days
Garry
November 17, 2017 at 2:05 am
Tips for getting an ex-girlfriend back when she has moved on? Is it even possible to win her back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 18, 2017 at 2:41 am
HI Garry,
Check this one:
Exgirlfriend Recovery
Irene
October 20, 2016 at 5:02 pm
hi
Me and my ex have been in a very deep relation for 8 months. Everything was so perfect. We are in different schools.Then all of a sudden he called me and said that this relation won’t work out as he needs to study a lot and that our relation distracts him and has bought his grades down. But then he also added that i don’t care for him at all. I don’t know where did that came from !
In that tension, I have begged and cried, but it failed. I couldn’t believe he gave me up for some stupid reason ! I did the NC for 1 half month successfully, and exactly after 1 month he called up to apologize and we were back together. But within 3 days he again broke up with me, telling the same reason, which broke me down completely as its the 2nd time ! He has blocked me on fb( except WhatsApp because I have started it just 3 weeks ago. )
I still has his last message with me where he has said not to call or text him ever again and that he wants peace. He is extremely stubborn (just like you described about some exes being stubborn in the NC rule content)
Now another 1 half month is over. But last week he has texted me a ” . ” through WhatsApp. Nothing but just a dot,and that too twice between a gap of 6 days. I have ignored it. Sometimes he updates his status that, at times, concerns about me. For eg, like ” i got peace” and ” experiences are the best lessons” ( as if i was the one who broke up) . But he has never called me directly after this 2nd breakup.
Those quotes makes me feel as if he is happy now. I know that he is still single now. But this is really breaking me down. 3 months over and i still can’t emotionally recover.It affects my studies too.
What should I do? Please help.
Irene
October 20, 2016 at 5:05 pm
Also he hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp. But I can expect that. And I still wonder why he has my number saved, because i’m able to see his profile! But he was extremely serious about the breakup too.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 22, 2016 at 2:17 pm
Hi Irene
even if you did the no contact rule and now that it’s your second, it will not be that effective if you were not actively improving yourself and being active in social media too..like that, yes you have to post that because it would be better that he thinks you’re moving on instead of him thinking that you’re still waiting for him
M
July 12, 2016 at 10:50 am
Hi I’m 26 years old. Me and my boyfriend were having our affair for 6 years and we were planning to get married next year since we both settled down in our career goals and educational goals. Throught the years of our relationship we helped each other to reach our goals and I was really supportive to my boyfriend as he was not a genious in educational achievements. He was rich but I never loved him for the material things but for his genuine and pure quality in character. He never lied to me during our relationship and I was his best friend. Both our families knew about the relationship during all the years and they admired us together.
In other words I saw our relationship perfect until our breakup. We had few ups and downs. There were times I argued with him because I’m not very good in following orders he give. And sometimes I forced him to do things for the good of him and to bring him status in life. I sometimes had quarrels with him when he speak to other girls so closely and I guess it’s natural of a woman. But I have never scolded him when he spoke with his ex girlfriend once or twice but I advised him not to interfere with the well being of her since it has caused bad name for him once (he and his other ex lasted for two years when he was very young but they broke up because they never macthed and that girl is married now).
Somehow we managed to go through all the ups and downs and come up to planning our marriage. We already booked the hotel for our wedding even. Then recently while he was busy working for another of his friend’s wedding, he got so distant from me and I avoided him for making himself not available for me and so I didn’t call him or look for him out of anger (it was my biggest mistake). Then I got hints of distance by him posting pictures during this friend’s wedding with a girl who was the bride’s maid (my boyfriend was the bestman). I quickly got taken over with anger and we had a big quarrel over it. Then he told that he doesn’t want to marry me because i am always suspecting him and he started telling a list of all my past mistakes. He said that he was never happy with me but he pitied me (since both my parents have passed away when I was very young). He also told me that he likes the other girl (bride’s maid) and immediately started an affair wiith her and shunned me.
His parents and all his friends were against this decision and said that they will leave him if he go on with this (except for the friend who had his wedding. the bride’s maid girl is a cousin of this groom friend). He started blaming me for distancing his parents and friends from him. But I never did anything except telling the truth to them about the other girl (which he did not tell. he told everyone that he’s leaving me because I was not good enough).
I must also tell that I we had a very close relationship (first of everything..ahem) which normally is not approved until the marriage according to our culture. But we both were trusting each other so much that we were not afraid of a close and bound relationship.
Initially on our break up I cried I acted damaged and I begged for him for a whole month. But now I found this site and even bought the PRO book and am following the no contact period.
What I wish to know is whether it is worth fighting for him? My family and his family all are asking me to move on saying that he is not worth it and they shun him so bad. His friends want me to beg him more and see but I don’t want to lose my dignity since I have not done him wrong but him to me. I also want to say that his family doesn’t approve of his new girlfriend since she’s not the type of a decent woman. She works in a salon and it’s clear that she’s with him for he’s a good “package” for marriage with his successful career and his rich background ( actually I was the one helping him to come to this status so i am really angry too). But currenty my ex seem like spelled by this girl (I must admit she’s young and she has the looks too).
The current self of him is like the worst guy ever so I do not wish to interact with him now. But is there any hope that he become the kind and genuine person he once used to be with me?
Really sorry for the long description but I wanted to give a good insight and get the answer from an experienced view. I want to decide whether to keep hope or just let it go because he hurt me and embarrased me so bad infront of societly that I am not sure whether I can get married to anyone else in the future. But I plan to migrate to another country and continue my studies if I shouldn’t fight for him. So please give some advise.
M
July 14, 2016 at 5:38 am
Thanks Amor. I’ll do the NC and see. It’s really hard because he was my trusted best friend too. But I’ll do the no contact.
M
July 12, 2016 at 11:27 am
Also I must say that he once told that his new girlfriend is the kind he always had on mind and not me. And he hides whatever is on his head from everyone including his good friends and family so I have no idea what is going on in his head. He once hinted that he’s planning to marry this new girlfriend next year on the day our marriage was planned. So I’m really worried whether I should keep more hope. It’s really frustrating cause he has never been so reserved in his actions like this and he used to tell everything in his heart with me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 12, 2016 at 6:29 pm
Hi M,
the decision is yours but I think you really need to do active nc first..and then decide after 45 days of nc but be very active in just focusing in yourself in healing and improving
CRL
July 2, 2016 at 5:08 pm
Hi I am 19 years old and my boyfriend just broke up with me.
I was his first serious relationship, and actually the only person he has ever told he loves them. We dated for 13 months, but sometimes we had periods when we fought a lot, we had got over that until 2 weeks ago we fought about something and he was really mean to me so I broke up with him, even if I still loved him, but then days later I started to talk to him just to fight, i know it wasn’t right, but I was just so mad and I still loved him and when I broke up with him I wanted him to fight for us in some way, know I know it was wrong because we tried to be together again but he started being distant, and I kept pushing over. But 4 days ago he broke up with me, and he told me that: he still loves me, and he is still in love with me, but not with the same intensity as before. And that he was feeling guilty and with a lot of pressure, so at the beginning I acted needy and asked him to give us another chance, and he said he couldn’t right now, and I told him that we should talk as friends without pushing things a lot to see what happened and he didn’t seem convinced but agreed. But at that momment I knew that I needed to do something different or else I will loose him, so I searched what to do. And the next day we were going to meed and have a day “as friends” but he didn’t seemes excited so I told him that we should talk, and decided to do the mature thing. I apologized for the way I acted yesterday and explained to him that I was very hard for me but after thinking about us through the night I realized that he was right, that one thing we both loved about our relationship is that everything came so natural, but right now we were forcing things to much and that was only making us fight more and drove us appart. I also apologized for what I did wrong, and told him that he was right, that the best thing to do was being appart from each other and that we both needed to work on each other, I also told him that I want him to know that even with what happened, I don’t have any grudge for him ant that he I will always remember him as a good memory, and that I am not going to wait for him (which is not completely true) but that I am not going to lock the door either, that if in the future we could find a way to work things out it would be awesome, but right now I need to focus on my self.
So he hugged me and he told me that he felt the same, that right now he didn’t felt as before and he thinks that is best for us to breakup, but that he didn’t want to be with anybody else, that I would always be the love of his life, and he didn’t have any hard feelings, that I could always count with him and maybe we could be friends and “in a few years” maybe even more. But I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and he wanted me to take care.
Honestly I half of meant the things I said I didn’t want to break up but I didn’t have another choice that accepting it with pride, I am right now doing the no contact period, it is only my third day and it feels awful, it hurts so much, I agree that we needed time appart but I don’t want to loose him, and I am so afraid that after the no contact period he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore. He sounded very honest about the things he said, in fact he has never lied to me, at first I felt confident with that things he was saying, but then when he said “maybe in a few years” it make me feel so scared, because I don’t believe in that, okay maybe some people get together after years but you don’t plan that, and most people move on with their lives after months, one part of me feels like I have high chances because of how he still feels and the way we ended things up, but I don’t know, I am scared
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 4, 2016 at 3:41 pm
hi Crl,
it’s ok to be scared..just make the most of nc to heal and improve for yourself and for him to see you in a new light
Anna
June 26, 2016 at 11:06 am
Hello! I commented previously on how I should navigate through reinitiating contact if we live together. I have a new situation. Just to give context, we had been together for 3 years and now we’ve been broken up for 2 months and I will be moving out in a week.
My ex opened up to me last night. He told me that he was at peace with how things are now and that during a part of our relationship he struggled to figure out if he wanted to be someone he should be (get married, have kids…”settle down”) or follow his intuition which was to be independent. He realized that “settling down” just wasn’t him and was why he felt at peace now that he made the right decision. He apologized for causing me so much pain and tearing me apart because he couldn’t figure this out earlier. He also wanted to tell me about how he went on a date last month and it was great and all but reiterated why he should be single and isn’t looking to sleep around with women anymore. When I asked why he told me this, he said he wanted to be honest with me and I’m not sure if it’s part guilt since we had been together for a while. In the end, he talked about how he always wanted to make me feel so loved and when I responded that he did, he said he hopes I find someone who will love me as much as he did.
We had an amazing relationship, until the last few months when I let my insecurities take over me. I want more than anything to have him back and create a more mature, growing relationship. We are both 24 and I feel like that’s too young for him to decide his entire future. However it seems like his mind is made up. Have you heard of success stories in a similar situation or is this a sign that I need to let go? I’m in so much pain right now.
Anna
June 28, 2016 at 2:28 pm
I understand. I’ll be moving out in a few days so although that will be very hard, I know that will help me heal.
I’m wondering, what should my next steps be? Hearing you’ve had success stories definitely gives me hope, and I want to make sure that I become one of them! But I want to do it in a way that will be best for the both of us.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 28, 2016 at 12:30 pm
Hi Anna,
yes, we have.. I think it’s best that you have to put him aside for now and heal emotionally first.
Maria
May 26, 2016 at 4:11 pm
Hey My name is Maria and i really need your help.
i have seen af boy in a year now, and he chases me like crazy in the start, and there i dident want him so i had fun with som other guys. but then in december he change and say he docent want more and so. but we still had sex..
and now i have tried in a half year everything, no contact rule, and so… but on the 3 week I can’t take it anymore and write to him,… and he also will se me but only for the sex so i have said no.
he is so mean to me an write stuff like he dosent want one like me, and i should fuck off and more.
do i really have a change, and i know it seems so crazy i want him.
but i want what i can’t have.
just a little advice would help, cause i have tried everything! and i can’t get over him…
i have never begged him an so, but i think i know that he has me where he wants.
Maria
May 31, 2016 at 5:01 pm
hi again.
No he dosent stop chasing me, after sex. after a half year he stopped.
but i think your right, i miss the guy that chased me. 🙁
i have just tried everything to move on, and it kills me, when i think ” is he with someone else and so”
thanks for answer!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 29, 2016 at 2:52 pm
Hi Maria,
you said you started to have sex with him but you aren’t really together? That’s good that you stopped it.. When did you start sleeping with him? Is it when he stoped chasing you?
No contact is not just about stopping to talk to him.. It’s about changing yourself and healing..
I think you miss the guy that uaed to chase you..so now, you’re hoping that he would get back to that and chase you again
SP
May 25, 2016 at 2:40 pm
What to do when your EX boyfriend knows you are ignoring them during the NC Rule?
Both times that I have implemented the NC Rule my EX contacted me immediately. I ignored as usual the first time, but called him after. I told him I did not want to be friends, that it was too painful. Leave on a good note and sever ties. Reluctantly he agreed, or didn’t but was my decision as he made his to breakup. Started the NC Rule a second time for good. He calls me less than 48 hours later, then messages a day after asking how I was doing and work (things he’s ask when we were together). He also told be that “I am still here and to be good”. Not sure what that meant.
What does it all mean?!
He told me he misses me the first time I broke the NC Rule. I want to move on without moving on, but he is making it difficult to forget about him. Almost like a mind game. I get my hopes up when he calls right after, then he goes out cold.
Maybe I should wait it out. This is an LDR by the way. Where he wanted to be friends because he couldn’t handle my pressures.
Will the NC Rule even work? If he contacted me so soon, should I continue with the rule? Is the fact that he stopped after noticing that I am ignoring him a sign that he’s moving on. Also, what does it all mean when I just told him I don’t want to be friends and to cut all ties, then he reaches out undermining my request.
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 27, 2016 at 12:32 pm
Hi Star,
you said he’s the one that broke up with you? Why did you break up and did you try to talk it out before doing no contact?
Samantha
May 3, 2016 at 1:42 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend of three months broke up with me about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I’m on day 3 of no contact. I tried to talk to him a few times, but I got a very limited response. He broke up with me because he said that I was more committed than him and he didn’t want to waste my time. He told me that he really loves me a lot and truly cares about me. However, ever since, he has wanted nothing to do with me although he told me that he wanted to maintain a friends. Recently, he has also removed all pictures off of social media of the two of us. I also had ordered a picture of the two of us as a gift (before we broke up) which is finally being delivered this week. Does that count as breaking the NC rule? (I tried to cancel it, but they wouldn’t do so and I had it shipped directly to him.) Do I need to start NC again after that picture is received by him or do I just continue? Is there any chance at all of us getting back together if I follow these steps? I feel like it was a rash decision as he’s under a lot of stress making a lot of big decisions about his future career. I had never felt so at ease and myself with someone. He brought out the good qualities in me, and I am. We definitely were a case of opposites attracting, and I truly thought that I had found someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’m trying to work on me and move forward without him but yet forgetting him as you guys say, but I guess I’m wondering if there’s even a chance. Other hard part is he has a part-time job at my work, so I could possibly run into him (I haven’t yet as I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding me – which makes no sense), but that’s also a possibility. We ended things very amicably, and other than the normal hurt with a relationship, there weren’t really any mean or hard words said.
Thanks for any advice you can give!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 4, 2016 at 12:04 pm
Hi Samantha,
that means he finds you clingy.. or clingy at a difficult time in his life where he needs a lot personal space.. more likely in this case, there’s a chance when the guys sees you have your own life and is independent.. they get attracted back when they know you don’t need them.. it’s like they take it as a challenge.
Determined
May 2, 2016 at 4:03 pm
Hi Chris or Amor,
My situation is a strange one and both mine and my exes fault. To put it into short:
-We are 20 and were engaged
-We have an intense history including me being pregnant with and losing our child
-We have been together almost 3 years and had a couple of short breakups (1 week and 1 month)
-These breakups happened because I didn’t maintain my mental health and issues of my own
-We broke up a few days ago for similar reasons
-I have had a very bad history with relationships and as a result struggle to open up, instead just unloading my feelings on my ex
-This caused us to argue a lot, and he feels extremely hurt
-So called ‘friends’ got involved and played on my paranoia and his hurt and he now doesn’t trust anyone including me
-He says that he still loves me and needs time to be single and we both need to sort our issues out
-His friend thinks that we should break up for good, but they only ever hear about it when we fight rather than the (more common) good times
Do you think I have a chance of getting him back again? I love him enough to give us both the space to heal before reconnecting and am trying to address my issues with a professional. If he starts to heal and sees that my issues are being sorted will he come back? And should I follow NC for him or will that make him try and ‘fall out of love’ with me?
Determined
May 2, 2016 at 4:03 pm
Hi Chris or Amor,
My situation is a strange one and both mine and my exes fault. To put it into short:
-We are 20 and were engaged
-We have an intense history including me being pregnant with and losing our child
-We have been together almost 3 years and had a couple of short breakups (1 week and 1 month)
-These breakups happened because I didn’t maintain my mental health and issues of my own
-We broke up a few days ago for similar reasons
-I have had a very bad history with relationships and as a result struggle to open up, instead just unloading my feelings on my ex
-This caused us to argue a lot, and he feels extremely hurt
-So called ‘friends’ got involved and played on my paranoia and his hurt and he now doesn’t trust anyone including me
-He says that he still loves me and needs time to be single and we both need to sort our issues out
-His friend thinks that we should break up for good, but they only ever hear about it when we fight rather than the (more common) good times
Do you think I have a chance of getting him back again? I love him enough to give us both the space to heal before reconnecting and am trying to address my issues with a professional. If he starts to heal and sees that my issues are being sorted will he come back? And should I follow NC for him or will that make him try and ‘fall out of love’ with me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 4, 2016 at 7:59 am
Hi Determined,
when did you break up and last talked? and how did it go?
Nicole
May 1, 2016 at 9:54 am
Hi Amor,
Firstly I’d like to say that the no contact rule worked. My LDR boyfriend begged for me back and I took him back. The reason we broke up was because his parents didn’t accept me. But when we got back together I asked him what we would do if they still don’t accept me. He said that we should give them time and I said ok. We were good for about two weeks then out of the blue again he breaks up with me saying his parents still don’t want us together. But he promised to fight for our relationship and never break up with me again, because he sees a future with me. So what’s going on now. Doesn’t he know what he wants? What should I do?
Nicole
May 1, 2016 at 9:54 am
Hi Amor,
Firstly I’d like to say that the no contact rule worked. My LDR boyfriend begged for me back and I took him back. The reason we broke up was because his parents didn’t accept me. But when we got back together I asked him what we would do if they still don’t accept me. He said that we should give them time and I said ok. We were good for about two weeks then out of the blue again he breaks up with me saying his parents still don’t want us together. But he promised to fight for our relationship and never break up with me again, because he sees a future with me. So what’s going on now. Doesn’t he know what he wants? What should I do?
nicole
May 1, 2016 at 6:11 pm
Thank you so much for your help Amor
nicole
May 1, 2016 at 4:26 pm
Ok I see. So do I just leave it and move on? Even though that would really hurt me. Do I just forget him completely, or at least for now
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 5:15 pm
for me you should move on.. if he really loves you he would try to make this work because you already talked about it but then he went back to not standing up for you
nicole
May 1, 2016 at 12:42 pm
I did ask him if giving them time would change their mind. He assured me that it will. He even promised that breaking up with me again won’t happen again because he loved me and didn’t care what his parents said. But he broke up with me again after I told him I was sceptical about us getting back together because of issues his parent had with me. But why would he assure me everything will be great but break up with me a second time. He is 21 can’t he make decisions for himself, or is he just playing around with my feelings and coming to me only when he is lonely?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 3:27 pm
I think it has to do with his age.. he says things as he feels them and right now, he’s just really not that independent yet to stand up for you..
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 12:03 pm
Hi Nicole,
tell him you understand but ask him and ask him,
are we going to give them time?
WonderWall
April 27, 2016 at 6:03 am
I told my ex that I don’t want to be with him and that I am done chasing after him. (I was usually the one chasing him in the relationship). If he wants me he will have to come and get me. Exact message “I do not want you back anymore. I will not ask for you back. It is such a tragedy having me gone huh? I guess thats not how you feel since you haven’t checked up on me. All rant aside. I give up. I will not hold on to you. If you want me you get me but you better be begging on your knees. I will not be the one chasing you this time.”
I do understand this this was a mistake but I was fed up and blew up.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 27, 2016 at 6:40 am
HI,
you sent that during nc? Well that’s okay.. just start the count over.. and you’re right you shouldn’t be chasing him.
Mary
April 26, 2016 at 4:25 am
I met up with my ex and it was nice. Then we didnt text eachother for 2 weeks, because I wanted to give him space. After the two weeks I texted a funny picture and a comment. He didnt respond at all. So I waited a week and I texted him again. I texted about a show he really likes. He responded the next day with a neutral text. I wrote back with a “I know, you like…. And thought you might be interessed” and he hasnt responded. I dont understand. We had ping pong before.. And I now.. I dont know what to do..
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 27, 2016 at 6:48 am
Oh, that’s not good. Either it was not interesting for him enough, or he’s knows you’re trying to get him back.. I saw your earlier posts, and he’s an introvert right? It’s normal that you would initiate first but it’s different if he doesn’t reply.. if he doesn’t reply at all for a week.. you should extend it and do a mini nc and continue being active in posting in social media again.. but if after 3 attempts after that nc and he still doesn’t reply or is neutral, that means you have to move on.
Lost and Heartbroken
April 25, 2016 at 1:55 am
Dear Mr. Seiter or Amor,
It’s been 7 months now since my boyfriend of 2 years dumped me. At the time he wanted to “take a break” and see how things were in a few months, but after a month of waiting/ him giving me no answers/avoiding me, I told him that we shouldn’t take a break. About a month after that we talked and he told me that he really misses me, that it has been weird being without me, yet he isn’t ready for a relationship right now and restated that things he said when he first broke up with me. “I’m too busy, you’re too affectionate, I’m too stressed, it’s not you it’s me…” I basically read through the lines and he was blaming me for the relationship ending.
I was heartbroken and for a month I did NC and eventually reached out to him this past Thanksgiving and got a decent reply. However, due to the stress of school I went back into NC and tried again during my Winter Break. I got short messages back that ranged from sounding positive to sounding bored. Each message would be returned between 1-8 hours later.
Eventually, after talking with some friends they told me that I shouldn’t keep waiting around for his responses and that I deserved better. So I guess I went back into NC and have been since January (3 months now). My birthday passed and I didn’t hear anything from him and I’ve seen him a few times around campus. I’m sure that he’s noticed me but never says anything. If anything he stares at me.
The other night I went out to the bars with my girlfriends and I saw him there. Each time I see him I feel physically sick and even the people around me can see that I’m not okay. He didn’t say anything but later when one of my guy friends started dancing with me I noticed that he was staring and immediately grabbed a girl to dance with as well.
Do you think that he was jealous? Could I still have a chance?
I guess I’m stuck in this limbo where I have made it clear to him that I still really care and would love nothing more than to be with him again. But, he hasn’t shown me anything in return.
I’m wondering if I should even put in the effort or if I should walk away, which btw is a terrifying thought since he was my first love and we experienced many firsts together.
I would appreciate any help that you can give!
Lost and Heartbroken
April 30, 2016 at 4:06 am
Do you really think that if I became more independent that he would notice? Also, I guess I didn’t realize that I could have “hurt his ego” by dancing with another guy…
I come to realize how clingy I was after the breakup by listening to what my ex had to say and what my friends and family had to say and it’s hard for me to think about how co-dependent I was. I guess I depended on my ex to make me feel happy, secure, and for support and that’s not healthy. In order to learn from my past I’ve been seeing a therapist who has helped me work on my depression and doubts.
I know that at 7 months I should be 100% over him, but I still can’t help but miss him and it’s weird seeing him act like a stranger when I end up seeing him around campus or town. I also feel weird going on dates with these new guys who are really nice but aren’t my ex. Any advice on how to move past that?
I guess I just need some advice on how to begin to move on since it is so unbelievably hard to move on when I have to see him every so often and we share many mutual friends.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 12:28 pm
don’t give yourself an ultimatum on when you should be over him.. it’s a process that differs with every person.. accept that.. it means just going on through life and exploring new things and taking what happened as a chapter in your life story
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 26, 2016 at 8:38 pm
Hi Lost and Heartbroken,
When he said you were too affectionate, that’s a translation that you’re clingy.. And even if you’ve done multiple nc, if you weren’t active in growing and improving, experiencing new things and meeting new people, you would really not move on because you’re basically just waiting for him to change his mind. He may have been jealous in the bar, but it can also be just ego.. You have to take action to really be more emotionally stable and to experience new things.. Since he’s your first, it’s normal that it would feel like you wouldn’t find anyone else.. but if you go out and do the things you love you will meet people that you will find as your soul mate. Yes, I’m saying move on because 7 months is really long to just keep being silent and hoping he will get back. And with what he said, if you changed to be more independent, he would probably notice it.
Mel
April 20, 2016 at 4:46 pm
Struggling after a recent breakup – he said he’s done then pulled the whole it’s not you its me thing. I feel my support system isn’t what I need. They are saying all the things people who care day “you deserve better” you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fight etc,” it’s hard. It’s been a year it was rocky but it doesn’t feel right to be apart right now. He says he’s done were done were not good together – how do I have hope to think he will come back ?
Mel
April 28, 2016 at 2:40 pm
Well today makes day 9 and not a word. I’m starting to freak out but still trying to hold onto hope. This whole no contact thing is extremely hard esp since I’m the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve and doesn’t keep things in. I just feel worse every day not better, is this normal ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 8:41 am
if you’re asking what you feel is normal, yes it is.. if him not contacting during nc, it depends on the reason you broke up and his personality.
Mel
April 27, 2016 at 12:07 am
Now it’s been a week , a whole week which has been beyond a bad week for me- not a word – I dunno how I’m supposed to get through this. I need a sign this will work
Mel
April 23, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi Amor,
It’s day 4 of NC and I’m struggling really bad, I made a goal of 21 days because I do not think I could make 30- 4 days is hard enough. I guess at this point since he isn’t reaching out at all and I have no clue where his head is at how do I even know if we have a chance ? I’ve been trying to stay busy and be around people so I don’t break down. Before him I went through an awful divorce and was hoping the same thing but there I did so much damage and there was another woman. This guy now was the first man I allowed myself to open up to and fall in love again and because of that that’s why this is so important and why I want him back. He means the world to me.i just don’t know where his head is at
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 23, 2016 at 4:15 pm
it’s just 4 days in..sometimes it takes more than a week sometimes they don’t really start because they don’t know what to say
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 22, 2016 at 8:32 am
Hi Mel,
I think you should do 30.. especially if you’re still emotionally unstable after 21 days.. the goal of nc is to help you have more balance and to be more rational.. it’s not just stopping to talk to himm..so focus on you and be active to improve yourself… keep in mind that after nc, it’s a restart.. you have to rebuild rapport and attraction.. if he’s always responding negatively..then it’s time to move on
Kara
April 11, 2016 at 5:43 pm
I just stumble upon this website. And, I’m happy I did. I was talking to a guy everyday for 5 months and dated him for 3 months. We talked about everything and I really liked the way he made me feel. And, he seemed to value how I made him feel. We never had the boyfriend/girlfriend convo and at the time I was fine with it because I wanted to come off as laid back. And, I liked our relationship and didn’t need to define it. A few weeks ago he grew distant. The pet names stopped and the excessive texting. He told me he had some stuff going on and he felt like he needed to get his shit together. But, things got more odd and more strained. And, because I wasn’t his girlfriend I didn’t feel like I was in a position to pry. We even went 6 days with out talking before I caved because we had an upcoming trip together. The trip was with a couple of friends. We got along fine but although we shared the same bed, physical contact was kept to a minimum. I tried to get him to talk to me one night but gave up when I realize I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get someone to open up to me. 3 days ago my friends dropped me off after our trip and that was the last I saw or heard from him. Will these articles apply to me? He wasn’t my boyfriend, so we never really broke up. And, I honestly don’t know what happened because he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I don’t even know if it was me or something else. I haven’t reached out to him. So I guess I’ve started the NC period. But, what if he never response even after 30 days.
Kara
April 11, 2016 at 5:43 pm
I just stumble upon this website. And, I’m happy I did. I was talking to a guy everyday for 5 months and dated him for 3 months. We talked about everything and I really liked the way he made me feel. And, he seemed to value how I made him feel. We never had the boyfriend/girlfriend convo and at the time I was fine with it because I wanted to come off as laid back. And, I liked our relationship and didn’t need to define it. A few weeks ago he grew distant. The pet names stopped and the excessive texting. He told me he had some stuff going on and he felt like he needed to get his shit together. But, things got more odd and more strained. And, because I wasn’t his girlfriend I didn’t feel like I was in a position to pry. We even went 6 days with out talking before I caved because we had an upcoming trip together. The trip was with a couple of friends. We got along fine but although we shared the same bed, physical contact was kept to a minimum. I tried to get him to talk to me one night but gave up when I realize I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get someone to open up to me. 3 days ago my friends dropped me off after our trip and that was the last I saw or heard from him. Will these articles apply to me? He wasn’t my boyfriend, so we never really broke up. And, I honestly don’t know what happened because he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I don’t even know if it was me or something else. I haven’t reached out to him. So I guess I’ve started the NC period. But, what if he never response even after 30 days.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 13, 2016 at 9:35 am
Hi Kara,
If you haven’t been active when you stopped contacting him, you have to restart count because that’s the more important thing. You have to focus on yourself and be productive for yourself and for him to see as more interesting to invoke wonder in him and increase the chance of wanting to talk to you.