So, here we are.
You’ve probably spent the past few weeks crying, and perhaps throwing things away, then digging them back out of the trash only to throw them away again.
And you’ve been spending more time on his Facebook profile than you should probably admit.
Don’t worry.
I’m not here to judge.
But, now you find yourself here, which tells me that you at least think that you’re ready to take the steps necessary to finally be on good terms with your ex or… cue dramatic music… actually be friends!!
That’s great!
Or is it?
If you were to go to Google’s homepage right now and type “How to be friends with my ex,” there are at least two, if not more, immediate results that suggest that the mere thought of remaining friends with your ex is indicative of psychopathy.
Thank you, Huffington Post, for that astute observation.
I, however, disagree with HP to an extent.
I feel like one of those ladies in the 50’s hosting a Tupperware party,
I mean, I am actual living breathing proof that you CAN be friends with an ex. In fact, I am friends with all but two or three of my exes. And two of them are my very best friends.
Ex #1, We’ll call him Travis so I don’t have to keep calling him “Ex #1”, lives on the other side of the globe and is in the military.
Ex #2, We’ll call him James, lives 6 hours away, where he is going to law school.
Regardless of the distance these two and I stay in close contact and have since we ended our respective relationships
Strangely, the distance came after we decided to establish or reestablish our friendships.
Okay, so it was not as easy as I make it sound.
Travis and I had a rough, and I mean seriously rough, break up. It happened right in the middle of college, so I had a lot on my plate as it was. He did not go about it nicely either and I had EVERY right to hate him. We went through a mutually decided upon no contact period of about a year, before we decided to give being friends again a try.
Now, I travel all over to visit him in the different places he’s been stationed. I’ve even made some lifelong friends because of those trips. My life really wouldn’t be the same without him in it.
James and I were in a completely different kind of situation. Neither one of us were really that invested in our relationship in the first place. In fact, there wasn’t much of a connection there romantically at all. We were basically just spending a lot of time together. Now to make myself feel better about it, I had convinced myself that we were more serious than we were, but looking back, we were clearly just wasting time.
I find it amusing how true that “hindsight is 20/20” saying is.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, you’re probably going,
“Okay so what does this have to do with me?”
I promise I will explain. Just be patient and keep reading.
Towards the end of our somewhat haphazard relationship, I had an accident that left me without a car for a bit.
Darn you, hit-and-run driver!!
Anyways, in order to afford the repairs that my poor little Mustang needed along with paying for school, I did what everyone in their early twenties dreads more than anything. I moved back home with my parents.
Since James and I worked together, I found myself staying at his apartment with him and his brother so I could ride to work with him. Instead of inconveniencing my parents. I mean, we already had a pretty good arrangement. I cooked, cleaned and did the dishes and didn’t have to pay rent. We did this for a while.
Albeit brief, we did have a short period of no contact there for a little bit. It didn’t last very long.
Anyways, a few months after he and I took a bit to create some space between us, I found myself afforded the opportunity of taking on what can only call a dream job as a personal and executive assistant to a couple that owned a local oil company. This couple owned several rental houses and were looking at evicting the tenants in one that hadn’t been paying their rent.
Needless to say, the house was in shambles when I went to do a survey. They had let their toddlers cover every single wall and surface with their destructive scribbles.
Seriously it was insane.
The yard was overgrown. They had let their dog (that wasn’t even allowed to live there) basically EAT almost an entire patio door. And they had never reported a single bit of natural damage such as huge cracks in the foundation of the home.
I swear there is a point and I’m getting to it.
There was so much damage to the house, that we couldn’t even fathom trying to post it as available to rent again any time soon. If it weren’t my boss’ childhood home, I might have suggested he demolish it and start fresh.
Yes, it was THAT bad.
So, my boss made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I was to live in the house rent-free and make all the repairs I could myself. The only stipulation was that I had to find two roommates to live in the other two rooms and pay a portion of the rent.
It wasn’t even a question, James and I had spent so much time sharing living quarters that the words, “Do you want to be my roommate?” were hardly out of my mouth before he agreed.
It was almost exactly like that scene in the movie Step Brothers.
We laid out some ground rules and that was it. We went on to live there for a year and a half and then spent two more years sharing an apartment after that before he moved away to go to law school.
We still talk two or three times a week.
I don’t mean the meaningless small talk that most people make with their exes as a way of simply staying in each other’s lives. We call each other over breakfast just to catch up on what we have going on or shoot a friendly text to get a little feedback on major life decisions before we jump in head first. We call each other in the middle of the night, whether we are out celebrating or down about something and need encouragement. And we are each other’s judge and jury on dating prospects.
Okay maybe not judge and jury, but we definitely weigh in.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIs this normal?
No, absolutely not!
We have achieved an unreachable dynamic for most “normal friendships” let alone people who have been in a relationship.
But can normal people make this work?
Yeah absolutely!
Maybe not to the same extent that we have, but it’s totally doable.
There are lots of factors that weight in.
Still doubtful?
Let’s put some numbers in the mix.
NBC.com even did a poll that resulted in 48% of those surveyed saying that they had stayed friends with an ex after a break up.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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What We Will Address Today
There are a few things we have to cover in order to assess whether it’s a good idea for you to be friends with your ex or not.
- The 7 intentions – what is the driving force behind your desire to be friend with Mr. Not-the-One
- The relationship dynamic – before you began dating, during the relationship and the after
But why?!
“Why would you even attempt that?!”
That is the real question.
I get asked it constantly. Especially when people are around us for a bit and then find out we used to see each other.
“Why I would ever want to be friends with an ex?!” I have an auto-response this and many of the questions I am asked repeatedly,
“I can be friends with a jackass, I just won’t date one.”
I literally have to say this so much that I have considered putting it on a shirt.
Whereas, in the beginning of the no-longer-dating period, I fall more along the same lines of what I’m sure most of you do…
“Maybe if I stay in his orbit, he’ll realize how badass I am and what a huge mistake he made and we’ll sort things out.”
Yeah. No.
That never works out.
In fact, this will make it harder in the long run to move past any emotional ties you still have to the relationship.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you’re still struggling with emotional ties to the relationship, I suggest reading this article after you’ve finished this one.
How To Get Over An Ex Boyfriend When You’re Still In Love With Him
Several years ago, James noticed my horrible “after a relationship” habits and compared it to that one of our favorite shows, “How I Met Your Mother”.
“Ashley, I hate to say this, normally you’re a Robin, but you’re totally being a Ted right now and you need to quit that.”
This was quickly followed up with a “Please don’t hit me.”
(Don’t worry, I’m not abusive in the slightest. He’s just a weenie who likes to think he’s a Barney.)
He wasn’t wrong.
I kept getting stuck in an emotional whirlwind like Ted and my ability to talk sense into myself would be gone until I snapped out of it. (That’d be Robin.)
Needless to say, both my Ted and my Robin sides had to sit down and come to some common ground.
Examine Your Reasoning
While getting back together is probably the driving factor for most people remaining friends with their exes, there are several other reasons you would want to stay connected with a romantic partner after the relationship has ended.
“1. We can still be friends” He suggested it so he must’ve meant it. Right?
WRONG!
Believe it or not, breaking up with someone is just as awkward and uncomfortable for the one doing the breaking up as the person being broken up with.
I can already hear your groans.
“Whose side are you on, Ashley?!”
Seriously, people will put off breaking up with someone for YEARS in fear that they might make a scene or, believe it or not, fear that they might guilt them into to staying with them for a few more years.
Ironic, huh?
Okay it may not have been quite as bad for them because they had warning that it was coming to an end before it did.
I think the worst part about a breakup is probably being blindsided by it when you thought things were going well.
Anyways, to satiate this awkwardness, and hopefully diffuse the possibility of a scene or you making him feel like a jerk, he throws his friendship out there as a consolation prize.
No, I’m just kidding.
Although wouldn’t it be great if we won medals for surviving breakups?
It’s just a distraction.
Generally speaking, when “we can stay friends,” is said, it is rarely acted upon.
It’s right up there with,
“We’ll stay in touch.”
or
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
or
“I just really want to focus on (fill in the blank) right now.”
I’ve literally heard them all. In fact, the last guy I was seeing should win an award for most excuses used at one time. I almost felt bad for him.
He just didn’t want me to hate him, right then, during that conversation, when I could make him feel bad about it.
“2. Keeping tabs” You want to know what he’s up to, so you keep him in your sights.
Did he dump you because he wanted to ask out that cute barista that flirted with him every time you two went to get coffee
Acting like you weren’t even, or when she did acknowledge you, referred to you as his sister?
Maybe.
And you’re determined to figure it out.
The reason why you two didn’t work out.
This one can be a little masochistic.
I mean, eventually he’s going to start dating again, and if you haven’t taken the time needed to get over it… you may wind up doing something you regret and get the dreaded “crazy ex-girlfriend” label.
“3. A shared social circle” You want to avoid splitting your friends down the middle by making them choose sides.
How thoughtful and totally selfless!
Okay, let’s be honest. You really just don’t want to be exiled to the isle of lonely and out of the loop.
Which is totally selfish!
And who is absolutely guilty of doing this and has two thumbs?
This girl right here!
It is totally normal.
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No one wants to completely rearrange their life or lose the person they cared about along with all of their friends.
Me and one of my exes have a great friendship because of this very thing. He and I shared all of the same friends and I wasn’t about to lose them all just because we went our separate ways. In fact, his girlfriend and I are pretty good friends to this day, and he literally dumped me for her about two years ago.
Now, keep in mind, I get over things fairly quickly, and now that I’ve gotten to know her, I realize that he and weren’t that good together at all and the two of them… Well I’m fairly certain they were destined to be together in some weird way.
“4. The passion just puttered out naturally” You both still care about each other, the physical attraction just isn’t there anymore.
This is one that has to be agreed upon by both parties. I mean, this is exactly what happened with James and I.
It just took me a few weeks to even realize it.
You see, I was pretty broken up at first, but after I sat back and actually looked at him, I wondered how I ever even found him attractive in the first place.
Like he’s good looking and, like Barney, is obsessed with suits, so he is always well dressed, and he is really quite smart, but knowing him like I do now, I wouldn’t ever give him a second thought… except maybe to include our story in an article for your entertainment.
You’re welcome!
“5. Kids” Alright, this one is self-explanatory.
I mean so many people stay in dysfunctional relationships or even marriages “for the kids.”
Why not split up and put that effort into being civil and creating an environment that doesn’t force a child to choose between the two of you.
I’ll be honest, several of my friends’ children could write out their childhood memories one day and they’d probably be mistaken for a psychological terrorist handbook with the type of animosity that gets thrown around.
“6. The Back Burner” This one is kind of crappy.
And it’s usually initiated by the one in the relationship that decided to call it quits. It’s usually paired with that “grass is always greener,” outlook.
Meaning they went on to search for greener pastures but they’re keeping you around just in case the grass isn’t actually that green in the new pasture. Meaning they might change their minds so they’re not going to sever ties just yet, just in case.
What a jerk move!
I have a friend that just stays friend with her exes because she is just hoping he’s thinking this way. It’s a desperate move, but I find that there are a lot of people that look at things this way and wind up setting themselves up for even more heartbreak.
I’ll go ahead and tell you right now that you deserve better than that.
We all do.
“7. Sex” Heck maybe you know he’s a jerk, but you keep him around because you don’t want to go through the trouble of training someone to know all of those things you like in bed, or vice versa.
The only downside to this plan is that it can be hard to keep feelings and emotions out of it. Actually, it’s pretty close to impossible.
At Oakland University, psychologists questioned 861 people regarding the “Why?” in this situation.
They found that those that said they were more likely to choose practicality and sex and key drivers for remaining friends also had substantial results reflecting personality traits such as narcissism, psychopathy, and machiavellianism.
Back in college, in Psych101, I wrote a paper on Machiavellian personalities that spurred many a discussion with my professor.
He explained in layman’s terms that they “lovingly” referred to combined narcissism, psychopathy, and machiavellianism as The Dark Triad.
(I can’t blame him for liking the subject, that was probably my favorite assignment my Freshman year.)
But Dark Triad, ominous right?
Basically, it boils down to being self-centered and manipulative.
I don’t know about you, but I can be both of these things. After a long debate, my teacher and I even came to the conclusion that these traits more than likely developed as an evolutionary response to avoid being hurt emotionally by the people around us, and that most people had them in some capacity.
If you think about it, even babies and toddlers are manipulative. They will cry for no reason other than wanting attention.
But that’s a subject I could go on about for days.
What I’m getting at is that if your reasons for remaining friends with your ex are little selfish, you’re not alone.
Okay, stop right here for a moment and lets recap.
We have seven reasons you might want to get back with your ex.
Am I saying there aren’t other reasons? No.
Am I saying you only have to pick one? Absolutely not.
But I am adding this little recap to point out something that I think is very very important. (So important I left that second very in there on purpose, even though my computer is freaking out telling me there a duplicate word.)
If you’ll notice, I didn’t tell you whether the intentions I listed were good or bad.
“Why?” you ask.
Well, I wanted you to be honest with yourself about why you are even considering this.
So, before we go any further, go back and decide what your reasons are for moving forward with this.
I’ll give you a moment.
Got it?
Okay, now let’s make this as simple as possible.
I’m going to separate these into two types of intentions; those that have the potential to be majorly self-destructive and those that are based in sound reasoning.
Respectively we’ll call them Destructive and Reasonable.
You’ll notice that “Kids” lies in that grey area in the middle. There a reason for that.
It would have to pair with one or more of the other intentions.
Say that the two of you still have a pretty good dynamic, the breakup wasn’t too terrible. The physical attraction had just diminished and you decided you weren’t good as a couple anymore. It would be feasible that the two of you could have the groundwork already in place to have a great friendship that would actually benefit your kids.
However, if it were paired with keeping tabs or being on the back burner, you’d be establishing that friendship with the hopes of getting back together. You would have expectations of the relationship that don’t match up with your ex’s expectations. And when we don’t get what we want, it is human nature to try and lash out or force people to give us what we want. This will only create tension if not starting an all-out fight. This would not be beneficial to your children.
And it most certainly wouldn’t be healthy for you.
Let’s look at why these intentions fall into these categories on their own before we press on.
Reasonable Intentions
These can also be deemed as healthy intentions.
Having a shared social circle is a perfectly good reason to want to stay friends with your ex. You’re trying to keep the peace and keep your social network intact. I suggest taking a little time to yourself to get your footing in a new situation.
Basically, come to terms with knowing you will see him around from time to time. It’s up to you whether you pursue being friendly, meaning cordial, or actively pursuing a friendship where you get together on purpose.
Also, if your friends are good ones, they’ll help bring you back down to earth should you start to have unrealistic expectations of the friendship. Eventually your ex will start dating again. It will also be beneficial to you to have people around you that make you feel safe and balance the unavoidable awkward moments with the new girlfriend.
Likewise, when you’re dealing with naturally diminished attraction between the two of you, aside from maybe a few awkward moments from time to time as will happen with all exes, you will need to change the way you see him all together.
He is no longer the man you were dating, he is someone you couldn’t date, but could be friends with.
It all lies within your perspective. As long as you keep a healthy and grounded perspective, you will be able to make it work.
I still suggest taking a short no contact period before ever attempting to forge a friendship from an unsuccessful relationship.
Destructive Intentions
All of the destructive intentions lie in that realm because of one reason and one reason alone. Each one is grounded in an underlying desire to re-establish a relationship that has already failed.
I mean no sane person keeps tabs on each one of their friends, not only is that a little crazy, it would take way too much time.
And hanging onto the hopes that your actually on the back burner or hanging onto the faint words, “we can stay friends” he threw out there to soften the blow of being dumped, is only setting yourself up to be hurt again and worse.
If you’re hoping to sneak into his peripheral and worm your way back into a relationship that’s already ended, you’re reading the wrong article.
You should be reading Chris’ Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro.
We’re talking about establishing a whole new type of relationship without expectations of more.
The Foundation Dynamic
Okay, now that we’ve made sure that you’re in this for the right reasons I have one more point I’d like to make before I start to wrap this up.
I want to take a look at one more part of this journey to establishing a friendship with your ex boyfriend. It is the part that ASBOLUTELY NECESSARY to this quest. Exploring the foundation of the relationship that has already been built.
Normally I tell people not to spend too much time focused on the past. Today we we’re going to spend just enough time on it.
The Beginning
Let’s look at your relationship before you were together as a couple.
Did your relationship spring forth from a friendship that was already established? Or did you meet online one day and begin dating a week later?
I will tell you the only relationships in which I absolutely could not make a friendship work were the ones that did not begin as a friendship.
Not that it’s not doable, but it definitely helps. It’s like a lake before a storm. Even after a torrential downpour and winds that threaten to empty the lake of the water that makes it what it is, the lake has a calm and comfortable state to return to.
If you had a healthy friendship before you two began dating, then you are one third of the way to a healthy friendship after the relationship is over.
Yay! Congratulations!
The Middle
How was your actual relationship? I mean, clearly it wasn’t ideal, but like James and I, even though we weren’t right for each other, we rarely argued, our communication skills were, as my niece would say, “on point”, and we genuinely cared for each other.
If you had a good and healthy relationship with your ex while you two were together, then, you guessed it, you are two thirds of the way to getting a green light on moving forward with Operation Friends-with-an-Ex.
The End
This one isn’t a deal breaker, but it will definitely change the way you go about things.
How difficult was your breakup?
Was there a big fight?
Did you call each other names?
Did you trash talk each other to anyone who would listen?
If you two were all but coming to blows, I wouldn’t suggest trying to be friends. I mean seriously, there are better things you could be doing with your time.
I would ALWAYS recommend taking some time to yourself after the break up. Put a little space between you and your ex, so-to-speak.
Here’s a bit of a timeline to use as a guide for how much time I suggest you take.
I’ve included a number to quantify the severity of the breakup on a scale of one to ten as a reference in parenthesis.
Mutual agreement (0) 30 days
The two of you might as well have split months ago, you just finally made it official. During a relationship we tend to lose ourselves a bit. I’m sure you’ve seen those couples that seem to almost be one person because they have spent so much time together. You are going to take this month to reestablish your identity.
The Oh-I-See (4) 45 days
He initiated the break, but you kind of saw it coming, and COMPLETELY understand why it needed to happen. You are also going to take this month and a half to reestablish your identity, as well settle into the idea that you will no longer be an item. Transitioning from a me to an I is not as easy as it sounds. You need to break the habits the two of you built as a couple and solidify some of your own.
One Sided (6) 60-70 days
He made the call. You’re still trying to figure out what happened. And honestly, you aren’t really sure, you’re in it for the right reasons. You need to take a step back and get all of that out of your system. You may never really know his really reasons for making the call. You have to come to terms with that if you want to keep him in your life.
Utter Heartbreak (10) 6 months – a year
Seems a little drastic right?
I mean you want him in your life, you can’t imagine it without him.
Nope.
Quit that right now.
You take the time needed to reestablish your personal identity and get past the pain of the break up. That way you aren’t tempted to ask him “What the hell happened?!” every time you’re in the same room. That’s the test. If you run in the same circles and you find yourself trying to find some closure this way, politely excuse yourself to go do… anything else.
Seriously. I once found myself in this situation and actually excused myself to go feed my mother’s goldfish. You think
I’m even kidding.
They’re big and in a pond, but I didn’t explain that.
I digress.
What’s the overall takeaway from this last section of info I threw at you?
Figure out where you stand and rebuild your identity as yourself rather than half of a duo.
Have you ever watched a super hero spinoff?
I’m a little nerdy and I LOVE superhero movies. (Go on and laugh. I’m confident in who I am. It won’t hurt my feelings.)
But have you ever noticed that a spinoff based on a secondary character doesn’t usually do well unless the directors have established who they are as a character?
That’s why we don’t see any really popular movies about Robin without Batman.
There isn’t a major film floating around called “Alfred Pennyworth: The Man behind the Man in the Cape” that I don’t know about. Although maybe soon, now that Gotham has given him a bit more background and substance. Who knows.
Anyways that is where I will leave you today.
Take what I’ve said, and do what you will with it.
Sam
March 15, 2018 at 1:22 pm
Hi Amor,
Sam again.
Do you think I should date him again?
Or do you think its likely that he’ll break up with me again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2018 at 5:43 pm
I think he’s just being friendly but if you want to try, use that opportunity to try to build rapport but for me, you should move on.
Sam
March 12, 2018 at 11:00 pm
Hi Amor,
My ex and I dated for 2 years, then he broke up with me. I did do 30 days no contact, and read all of Chris’ articles when we were broken up. And we texted and hung out then about 7-8 months later we got back together officially (he asked me).
When we got back together we dated for 9 months before he broke up with me again, saying that he would love me forever..
When he broke up with me the second time, I told him that we would never date again because I did not want to be an on/off couple, and I meant it. Because I meant it, I did not contact him at all after the second break up, and he didnt contact me. If we saw each other we would exchange pleasantries and that would be it.
However, a couple weeks ago I get a text from him asking if Id like to catch up (its so weird getting a text from someone you thought youd ever talk to again). After much debating, I agreed and we went for coffee. Then he texted a couple times the next week asking how my week was, that sort of thing. He asked if I was free that weekend, but I thought that it would be too soon to see him, so I told him I was free the next weekend, so we met up for a walk.
Im not seeing anyone, and Im not sure if he is (but I do not think so). Its hard for me to tell if he is flirty, but he might be, he sat very close to me, and gave me a long hug, but other than that he was just very friendly.
I am/was over him, or as least as over him as I know I will ever be, because I know that I will always love him. (we were 19/20 when we started dating, and now we’re almost 25… if that matters)
Any insight into his mind would be helpful! Is he trying to win me back or does he just want to be friends? Because I know that I am not able to just be friends with him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2018 at 10:50 am
Hi Sam,
If you’re not trying to get him back don’t be friends with him so, you can fully move on.
Natashaa
April 14, 2017 at 4:52 am
My ex broke up with me almost 4 months ago after being together for almost 3 years. I stayed in contact for the first month because we had a vacation already planned together. I tried to talk him into giving us another chance twice at the very beginning. He said he wants us to be friends, “close friends”. He says he lost attraction, he loves me but isn’t in love with me, he cares about me a lot which is why he wants to be friends. He says I have changed his life for the better and thinks I’m a great person. He wants to be selfish now and focus on his career. I realize I love him, more than I thought I did, and would like to give us another chance.
I planned on doing no contact right after our vacation, the first month, even though he was still reaching out to hang out often. I attempted to do no contact. But he really wanted to hang out and see me and when I told him we probably shouldn’t for a while he was very sad about that and I could tell he missed me and was having a hard time with the break up (not as much as I was though). I decided to try being friends for a few weeks but emotionally I couldn’t handle it that well and I felt used so I went no contact for about a month without telling him.
Before no contact when we were trying to be friends, he texted everyday, not as much as when we were together, but he did and he was very caring but friendly during our conversations. When I asked him to call me, he did. We would hang out every now and then, even at his place.
After no contact, I texted him and he immediately replied. He wondered why I ignored him for so long. He wanted to meet up. We did and it went great. I could tell we were both physically attracted to each other still. He even set up a day with me for our next hang out that day.
Emotionally I’m in a better place, I look great and fit, my career is going well. I’m realistic that things can take time but since contact, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t text as much, he’s a little distant over text, lately he’s taking hours to respond to my texts…like even 20-24hrs at one point. He doesn’t ask as much what i’m up to over text anymore like he used to. In person, I feel like he’s trying to compete with me somehow by telling me how great he’s doing, accomplishing his goals, etc..like he’s trying to rub it in my face somehow. I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t care about me anymore…that no contact helped him get over me. Do you think that might be the case? Should I continue being “friends” like this and give it time? Or should I back off, live my life, move on? I also don’t know if I should keep texting him so that it looks like i’m being desperate/needy, etc. I had some of those tendencies in the relationship so I’m worried about coming off that way.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 16, 2017 at 8:11 am
how long have you been building rapport now and did you keep improving yourself?
Soojin
March 31, 2017 at 11:13 pm
Hi Amor. Yesterday I met my ex after the 30 day no contact rule. I contacted him frist and he was very nice, said he would unblock me and offered to catch up. But it still sounds like he wants to be friends. Do I need to do no contact rule again? Thanks!!
Soojin
April 6, 2017 at 2:17 am
Hi Amor. I will do that. Thanks so much!! 55
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 7, 2017 at 6:52 pm
welcome!
Soojin
April 5, 2017 at 6:36 pm
Thanks Amor.
Do you think still I have a Chance to have him back? Meet up is not a good idea?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 5, 2017 at 6:48 pm
build rapport through texts first, and then calls before meet ups… If you are successful at doing that slowly, there’s a chance.
Soojin
April 3, 2017 at 9:33 pm
I didn’t contact him after the 30 day no contact rule, we met by chance near work. We had coffee and he was very nice. He offered to unblock me but I assumed that he’d unblocked me already. He told me to text so we can catch up for lunch or coffee. What should I do? Should I keep texting him? Thank you 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 4, 2017 at 3:00 pm
I think he just wants to be friends.. you should start building rapport through texts
Soojin
April 3, 2017 at 9:12 am
No actually I met him accidentally passing by because I work near his work place and I asked him to have coffee and we did.He offered to unblock me. I assumed that he did already,but I didn’t know that. He said we can have coffee or lunch When I can sometime. After the 30 day no contact rule I haven’t texted him since and that was the first time I saw him. Do you think he just wants to be friends or might want to get back together? What should I do? Thanks 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 2, 2017 at 3:23 pm
Hi Soojin,
did you mean your first contact text was asking him to unblock you and a meet up?
Stephanie
February 16, 2017 at 9:54 am
Hi
My husband left me back in august for his affair partner. Since then he keep telling me i am his best friend and soulmate. Everytime i try to walk away he will come up with thing like i cant let u walk away j mean to much to me. Or i will be lost witout u in my life and even the i like u a lot . The ow doesnt know we text. He lie to her and hid it from her.
He also talk to me about this relationship. That its not on safe ground that why he hid the texts. He also say that when on safer ground he i troduce the friendship bit by bit. He think she will accept it even so she wont be part of it. Really???
He still doesnt want to talk divorce saying he is not ready for that?? Really? I would have thought he was as he left to live with her???
Oh and now he over using the word friend. Like u r my friend. That what friend do. As my friend. And so on. Lime he is trying to convince himself or me that what we are.
His last text to me was he i were to walk something would be missing in his life.
Now what do u think all this mean??
Why still lie to her? Do u thi k they will work out?
What about him and me?? Are thise just words? Trying to be nice? Or out of guilt???
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 16, 2017 at 7:59 pm
Hi Stephanie,
Do you have kids? He’s trying to friendzone you because he’s used to having you in his life. He’s lying to her because he doesn’t want to lose her. As of now, are you going to do the no contact rule? If you have kids, you should check this:
Get Your Boyfriend Back If You Have A Child Together
Sarah
January 31, 2017 at 9:58 am
Hi?
I don’t really get this guide. Well i’ve read some other guides where you advice people to start off as friends with their exes and build rapport. Does that mean we shouldn’t be friends with our exes if they want to be friends because of sex?Can’t we try to be the ungettable girl and put sex off the table.? And also if I’ve talked to my ex and I’ve told him we can be friends but we can’t have sex is that wrong?
My ex suggested we should be friends but he seems like he wants sex too. I know he’s the type that will try to make me change my mind and have it even if i say no. I have feelings for him still but he said that he doesn’t want to be friends because of sex. This guide has confused me though and I’m not getting it quite well.Please help me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2017 at 4:16 pm
Hi Sarah,
Sorry, I’m quite confused with your question too! haha! Did you mean you want to be ungettable while still having sex with him? No, is no. Unless there’s a gun in front of you, then it is hard to refuse because your life is on the line. But nobody can make you do something you really dont want, without your consent. Doing that means you’re allowing it because you have a weak will to say no but that doesn’t mean you like it right? And continuing to be like that means allowing others to abuse you..that’s not ungettable, that’s being easy for somebody to make you do what they want
Tiffany
January 27, 2017 at 6:15 pm
I am confused. I obviously want my ex back, yet there is a lot happening. We have been broken up for 2 months. He broke up with me before but we got back together for 2 months. Our relationship was on for a little over a year, it was very serious and we felt a lot. So he left me for the second time. Still broken up atm. BUT you can tell he misses me. He stalks my twitter CONSTANTLY. He even saw me talking to a guy a couple weeks ago and sent me that “Remember when…” text. He wanted us to be friends. He would like all of my pictures on Twitter, even comment “Beautiful ❤️”. Yet when I ask him if we still have a chance he tells me “No. I just don’t have time for a relationship right now.” So I figured he just wanted me as a safety net, so yesterday I told him that friendship was no longer an option, and that I have to move on. He got angry. He told me he was hurt, and blammed a lot on me. We eventually talked on the phone last night because I asked him a question, and he was trying to be funny with me. He would crack jokes, tell me how his day went etc, as if I never told him hours earlier that I cannot talk to him.
So we ended on a good note. But now I see he acts like he doesn’t care on social, when yesterday he did. I know he still loves me, I know he still cares. But something is holding him back. And I’m not sure if I can do NC because it’s been 2 months after the break up already. Please help. Not a minute goes by I don’t think of this man…
Tiffany
January 29, 2017 at 5:27 am
Is it too late for NC? We actually saw each other at an event he knew I was going to tonight. He texted me asking if I was going, (he already knew because I posted on Twitter I was). And he was there. You can tell the only reason he went was because of me. He wouldn’t leave my sight. He kept trying to talk to me, joke around and touch my arms. He even offered to take me home. He was doing gestures he did while we were dating. Holding my purse, walking on the side of the road, and opening the doors for me. On our way home, it was awkward. I was silent but I was still in a good mood. He was doing all of the talking. He was joking the most of the time. He offered to get me food and all. I can tell he misses me…
But I don’t know if I should do NC or not. It seems too late? We’ve been broken up for 2 months. Is it too late?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 29, 2017 at 1:17 pm
actually that’s a good sign.. try nc first
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 28, 2017 at 9:46 am
Hi Tiffany,
it’s either you stay in the friendzone, move on now or try nc first..
Sasha
December 17, 2016 at 5:09 am
I don’t know if I’m writing this in the correct section or not, but there is one thing I don’t really understand about my ex bf.
Me & my ex broke up for good last year (it was mutual decision) and last month he was back and asked to only be friends with me, we’ve been together for 3 years. Actually I still care about him and love him and I know he does, but we both decided not to get back in relationship (we still got different goals in life).
We hangout sometime and everything is going well. But, sometime his friends join us too and this is where he acts so weird and gives me a lot of mixed signals. He usually call me by my name when we are texting, but when we hangout or when his friends are with us (especially when his female friends are around), he keeps on calling me by cute nicknames that he used to call me before when we were in relationship! Also, he keeps on saying things that only me would understand what he’s saying, and then he gives me that glare like he’s saying “I know you understand what I meant cuz you know me more than they do”. He even plays my favorite songs on his phone and he knows these are my fav songs!!!!. Well I’m okay with all of that but, I can see that his friends are confused of what’s going on between us AND IT’S REALLY WEIRD!!! I know he’s being friendly but I think it’s too much for our friendship. I can feel that his female friends are jealous because he treats me differently. These things make my heart flutter for a moment but I don’t want to build more feelings towards him.
I don’t actually know how to respond to him, I just laugh or smile and sometime I ignore him. Any advice?
Sasha
December 20, 2016 at 10:25 am
Thank you Amor.
He started doing that even when we are alone or when we text. Few days ago he asked me a weird question “have you ever fallen in love? Don’t say no ’cause I know you did.” I was like what the heck?!.. btw he is the only guy I ever truly loved and I told him that before, so why he’s acting like he doesn’t know that? or does he wants me to say that I love him?? I’m going to distance myself from him starting from today. My feelings for him started to comeback again and it really hurts because I don’t want that. What if he texted me? Should I reply or ignore him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 22, 2016 at 3:47 pm
if you want to move on, nope..
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2016 at 1:18 am
Hi Sasha,
What if he’s just being playful and being the clown in the group by doing that to you? or because he doesn’t want them to think or feel awkward because they know you two have broken up, so he tries to act like it’s all cool? If you’re falling again, distance yourself or talk to him about it, that his actions are making you uncomfortablehttps://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php?s=adasdsd%40hotmail.com&comment_status=all&pagegen_timestamp=2016-12-20+01%3A11%3A06&_total=1&_per_page=20&_page=1&paged=1&_ajax_fetch_list_nonce=ecf0e67b89&action=-1&comment_type#comments-form.
Lilly
October 4, 2016 at 5:45 pm
My ex boyfriend and I dated for 16 months. We had so much in common and had a strong emotional connection. During the last couple months of our relationship we didn’t have much communication or see eachother much. We argued a lot and things just went downhill. I heard a rumour that he had cheated on me and I broke up with him. Two days after we met up to talk but he didn’t want to take my offer up on getting back together. Instead he said he needed to find himself and time to be single. He said he loved me but not in the way I wanted him to. He said he couldn’t force himself to love me but he wanted to still be bestfriends and he’d still protect me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just let what we had die.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 8:53 pm
HI Lilly,
Do you want to try what’s advised above?
Beachrose
September 26, 2016 at 2:43 am
Hi Amor,
I just bought the EX B/F Recovery Pro. I get the ideas, but I have a question.
I get the impression my ex is trying to “cherry pick” what he wants from me. He’d asked me to marry him, then after some time (over a year ) said he never wanted to be married. I made him move out, and now he seems to be trying to keep what he likes w/ no commitment.
My question is – AFTER no-contact (which I’m trying to do, but I still have some of his stuff) – do I mention these boundaries., or just DECLINE giving what he wants? I have no trouble declining sex –
I’m just not doing that – it’s more about him wanting to crash at my cabin without me, listening to my voice to feel better / friend-zoning, that sort of thing. I’d rather everything about me be a package deal. I just don’t want a convo about it…(?)
Beachrose
September 27, 2016 at 12:35 am
Yep – I agree. I was incommunicado today, sleeping through the 1st day of a badly sprained wrist, and he went nuts texting and even calling – but not showing up. He was only 1 mile away, at work, and he can leave that anytime to run errands. etc. He wasn’t there for me, from yesterday’s wrist accident, thru today – even called me for advice to help his friend! (This versus: me being there for him for all sorts of calamities…)
NC will be a pleasure for me. 😉 Starts NOW.
Beachrose
September 26, 2016 at 2:53 am
PS – I’ve already told him I’m not interested in just being friends, but he seems to ignore what I said & keeps trying to get what he wants w/o committing. (We were together 6 years. No kids. ) I do know I set the bar high, but did not make him chase. I know he loves chasing.
Also, I know he studied a lot of that toxic “pick up artist” stuff, but that he really did fall in love w/ me. Then, not…?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 26, 2016 at 11:53 am
yeah, he wouldn’t listen because you’re not following up with actions for the past 6 years. But that’s good that you talked to him.. Actually I was going to suggest not to keep telling him your boundaries, because you would sound like you’re just trying to convince him. So, that talk would be the last. Just keep declining. You know, him being present is actually his way of trying to influence you.. like for you to chase him because he’s near yet far.. He’s there yet he’s not your boyfriend..
I think he knows how to make you feel what he wants you to feel, so be strong. Be firm on declining on what you don’t want.
María
September 25, 2016 at 9:29 pm
My situation is the following:
My ex and I dated for three years, and over all had an amazing relationship; the type that made everybody believed we would eventually get married. Last November we broke up, even though it was sad, it was the right thing to do because the he wanted to experience being single and was overall confused and I was getting physically tired and literally sick (like you need to go see a doctor kind of sick).
However we did not have the cleanest of breakups and ended up having a ‘friends with benefits’ situation until May. During that time he started to hook up with one girl (who I never really quite liked) however he would always come back to me and tell me that it wasn’t nearly as good as it was with me, that beyond their career they didn’t have anything in common, that she was annoying and so and so. Still one day he told me that he wanted to give it a try with this girl and that he thought that our special connection, the natural feel of things between us.. And basically everything good, had come from spending a lot of time together (and not due to the person you are sharing that time with). After that we spent a day together and it not only was extremely romantic, but one could successfully argue that he cheated on her with me.
That was the last time we saw each other before I started no contact. Which was a success not only because he contacted me a few times, but because I took that time to rebuild myself.
It’s been two months since we started talking again, when I first contacted him he seemed really happy and told me he feared I would take much longer to contact him. However, during this time he would constantly change his profile pic in whatsapp with this new girl, but he wouldn’t mention her to me directly; which annoyed me, but I got past it. Now what bugs me beyond comprehension is the fact that our conversations have turned weird, so to speak. We can talk and have a good time, but then out of the blue he has a mood swing and starts answering with really short answer “yes/no/sure” type of answers. Or he just leaves me on “seen”; which is what happened the last time we talked, right after my birthday, even though the conversation had not ran it’s course.
It’s like I’m stuck with his wall of reactance and I can’t move forward or when he senses that we are going beyond that superficial level he just backs down…I don’t know. We used to talk about being friends, but he makes talking so hard with these mood swings.
I deeply appreciate any advice you can give me!
Thank you
María
September 26, 2016 at 4:59 pm
Regarding your questions Amor
We’ve been texting for two months give or take, and no we haven’t talked over the phone. and no.. when he stops replying is literally in the middle of the conversation, it’s not like the topic just ran out.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 27, 2016 at 2:44 pm
Oh, it’s been too long.. At that time frame you should have reach the meet up stage or at least have moved on to calls. And him ending in the middle of the conversation always is bad news. It means he’s not interested in talking to you.. There’s a small chance if you keep going because you’re like friendzoned.. Either you take a rest for at least two weeks, and really focus in improving yourself again(and you have to continue doing that even when you’re back to talking) and go out in dates during this two weeks too and work on your topics.. After that if it’s still the same, then it’s time to move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 26, 2016 at 10:15 am
Hi Maria,
That means you need to stop from texting him whenever he does that. Either there’s something going on with his current life, or the talks are getting boring? How long have been texting? Have you moved to calls?
Terri
September 21, 2016 at 10:49 pm
Hello so this guy and I stopped talking around 4 months ago and we also work together. This guy and I didn’t have the titled of boyfriend and girlfriend but we sure acted like it for 8 months and with everything he was telling me it sure seemed like thats where we were headed. He had also just gotten separated from his wife which was why he didn’t want a relationship yet. Well after 8 months I found out that he was hanging out with another girl that we also work with. I found this out from her and I also ended up talking to her and she even showed me their text messages and he was pretty much saying the same thing to her as he was to me. They also had talked before he started talking to me but it didn’t work out. Needless to say I confronted him about it and he felt bad so he says and that he wanted us to stay friends. After this all happened we hung out one time and we had fun but there was some sexual tension. Well after a while I noticed that the girl that was telling me all these things about him then started to ignore me and he also started to ignore me as well. They also ended up going on a vacation together and he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. I soon then found out that he and this girl actually became official and are now boyfriend and girlfriend. Its very difficult to work with both of them and at this point I have unfollowed them on all social media. He unfollowed me from Instagram after but she still follows me and I’ve tried requesting them both back because I felt stupid about it but she denied me and my request stayed in his inbox for 2 weeks so I just deleted it. After this all happened I went into NC and during that time I went on vacation, worked on myself, and started smiling again. I also have ordered and read the Recovery Pro book. He also ended up noticing that I was gone and started back talking to me a little at work, joking with me like before, and sometimes I catch him staring at me with the same look he used to give me before this all happened but he will still ignore me kind of if she is working and she also still pretty much ignores me. Overall I feel like she manipulated things to get to him and I’m not sure what to do because I kind of want him back and I miss him. I also wonder if their relationship will last. I still have not spoke to him out side of work since I started NC/limited NC in mid August and I’m not sure how to start a conversation or even if I should. Also he still has an item of mine that I let him borrow which I kind of want back but I’m afraid that if I ask for it he will think its out of spite. I also wonder when I should add him back on social media but I’m afraid that he won’t want to. But overall I also wonder why he will only really talk to me if she isn’t around, why he has decided to start talking to me now, if he is in a rebound relationship, should I give up, and what my next steps should be? Thanks so much. Also I’m so sorry its so long.
Terri
September 23, 2016 at 4:57 pm
Thank you so much for responding Amor. It hurts that he has moved on to someone else but thank you for sending me the link to that video. I’m guessing from the video that I should just continue doing what I’m doing and by her not talking to me shows that she may be insecure and also not wanting him to talk to me since he doesn’t talk to me when she is around. Also I won’t add him back on any social media until we have built more rapport with each other. Should that also be the same for asking back for an item of mine that he has? Once again thank you so much.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 24, 2016 at 2:38 pm
You’re welcome! Yes, you’re probably right about her. If the item is really important, it’s ok to ask for it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 23, 2016 at 12:08 pm
Hi Terri,
I don’t think it’s a rebound. And don’t add him back until you’ve really rebuilt rapport. You should read this one:
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Moves On To A New Girl (Video)
Liz
September 13, 2016 at 5:25 am
My ex & I broke up about 2 years ago, we’ve been together for about 2 years. My ex has been cheated on multiple times and I’m embarrassed to say that I was unfaithful. (YES I’m a horrible person) I was drunk & I kissed a guy (this happened twice). i was very insecure, in a very bad place. I told him 3 months into the relationship that I didn’t love myself & that I need to love myself in order to be in a rela. Then he convinced me to stay in the rela. Saying that he would help me learn how to accept & love myself. I should’ve waited because I seriously had a problem w/alcohol & depression. He broke up w/me after he found out I was going to propose. Tried to get back together the next day. But he broke up with me after we had sex. So, I refused. Then I wanted to get back w/ him & he wanted nothing to do with me. Treated me like crap the 1st year of break up.. I couldn’t let go… He used me & told me I wasn’t the one. I didn’t talk to him after that. And now we start talking again & he seemed over everything that happened.. Seems like a sweetheart. Gets a little jealous here & there & listens & encourages me. But I asked him recently what his intentions are because we have hurt each other enough ! He said that he honestly doesn’t know because of our past but that he is very attracted to me emotionally & physically. So I told him we should just be strictly friends until we know how we feel & where we want this to go. I think he’s done with revenge & that he cares about me but it bothers me that he doesn’t man up & take a chance on us when I am willing to. Should I try to move on ? Or should I wait & continue this friendship that may be risky due to my feelings for him ? I am okay with or without him but it’s scary to think I can feel like I did when we first broke up.
Liz
September 14, 2016 at 10:42 pm
Amor,
Thank you for replying, he might be doing that. I don’t blame him, but it’s hard to get another I don’t know from him after 2 years. I don’t know means no, but then again with all the history and baggage it could just mean I don’t know. Lol I’ll continue to work on myself, and not think too much of it. If it’s meant to be it will be, if not I’m sure I’ll have an opportunity to start fresh with someone else. I’m only 25 … I read this quote, “Often relationships end badly due to the fact that they are unhealthy to start with. With that in mind, acknowledge what went wrong in the relationship and what you learned from it all rather than dwelling on the feelings you still have. These will fade as you seek resolution in yourself by reconnecting with yourself the way you did with that person. Soon you will look back and understand that you mistook a life experience for a soul-mate.” This really gave me a peace of mind, hope other readers come across this.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 4:13 pm
Hi Liz,
what if he’s taking his time to see if you’re still the same as before?
Ellie
September 9, 2016 at 12:20 pm
My ex broke up with me 3 months ago, just before I moved back to the same country as him. (we’d been close friends for 6 months and started dating just before I left, and then I moved back after 6 months). Considering he’s on good terms with all his exes and he broke up with me because he didn’t feel the attraction, I hoped we could at least be friends as he said he still wanted to be (and he is a a completely literal person). Fast forward 3 months, we texted a bit when I got back to town, I see him around occasionally, and he’ll say hello but will not speak to me beyond that. I’m not clingy, I haven’t confronted him and I don’t get why he won’t speak to me. I see him at his work but I don’t want to corner him there, but texting didn’t work after a while so I don’t know how to best approach this.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 10, 2016 at 11:10 am
Hi Ellie,
I think he’s not sure if you have moved or not, so he’s being cautious for you not to hope… Start to be friendly only when you see him at his work, use that as a first step.. and are you improving yourself?
Ana
September 6, 2016 at 11:32 pm
Hey,
So my situation got pretty complicated and too much for me to solve on my own,I tried ofcourse and made some rookie mistakes obviously…not being a gnat but we did talk every couple days…he would respond to my texts and calls and keep the conversation going but he would never initialize it…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Ok first off I’m 21 and have only been in two relationships which have both lasted for about 5 months. Naturally after seeing how far guys go in lying to me I became very selective on who I trust and would either have a serious relationship or nothing…dating around isn’t for me. So my first boyfriend actually cheated on me with his ex who was meddling in our relationship from the beggining and dumped me because I wasn’t ready to be intimate with him yet. I was 19 at the time and he kept pressuring me. Anyways I got over him pretty fast,even deleted his number after 2 days and was again happy on my own like I usually am. And then about a year later I fell head over heels for my second boyfriend. He already was in love with me but it took me two months to finally fall for him. Before I kept my distance and was just friends because I knew his best friend was into me for the past 2 years which my ex knew about but things just kinda happened. Our first date even lasted for 12h even though nothing happened but being thought by my previous relationship and knowing he was a lot more experienced and older(24 but a serious player) I told him right off the bat that I’m gonna need time and after what had happened I’m even more carefull. He told me right away that he is done with that phase of his life and he knew it wasn’t gonna be easy with me and he only respects me more for that. Anyways things got pretty serious really fast…he said he loved me more than any previous girl and he has had relationships of 2+ years and yet no one has seen him act the way he did with me. His friends and his mom confirmed it and were really happy about the change cause he is usually the coldest person…think wolf of wallstreet…seriously the cheating,drugs(not an addict only on some parties in the past),easy girls…you name it he has done it…he said I was the first normal girlfriend he had and could imagine his life with and was so happy he found me at the right time cause even a year earlier he would say he isn’t ready to commit. Needless to say things escalated quickly and after 4 months we ended up sleeping together after not being able to see each other for 3 weeks( long distance relationship but it was only a 2h drive so we made it work). Anyways a few days later he finds out he might have to move to mallorca for 6 months for his fathers company and calls me al frustrated and how his life was finally gonna be calm with me he was supposed to get a job in my city and have a normal life with me and now he doesnt’t know on which part of the world he is gonna be in a month. I calmed him down but he still kept acting weird…in the end he got the job in my city and moved here in May. But as soon as he moved here he ghosted me. Literally the day before he couldn’t wait to see me. Honestly I know it’s hard moving but he already used to live here for 5 years and only moved away last year to his homecity. His best friends are here and also his crazy ex. Dejavu much. The girl and her friends stalked my instagram,came to my gym 3 times,talked crap about me to him and his friends,she reached out to him a couple of times even at the start of our relationship once even saying things like imagine me in only your shirt and my heels…he always told me I had nothing to worry about that he never even loved her which he did prove with his behaviour towards her in their relationship. He cheated on her multiple times,would never let her sleep over,he met all her friends but he never introduced her to his and dumped her as soon as he moved,everything opposite than with me. That happened 4 months before we started dating and yet she was still stalking him( if you ask me the girl wants status which he can provide to her…another long story). Anyways after 2 months of avoiding me making dates and then not going through with them he finally called me but to his place after seeing me at the gym(we all go to the same gym,have been for years, me,him and his best friend works there). I came to his place but stopped him and first wanted to talk and he said he still had feelings for me and if I didn’t want to sleep with him I did’t have to and we would wait until things got resolved( we were on a temporary break because of his demanding work hours and move or so I thought) so we were just cuddling and talking and one thing lead to another and I made a mistake. Later he was saying we were gonna see each other more often and so on and he said he was going to an island near the city for a couple of days where I know his previously mentioned ex works. I asked him about it and he said they were just friends that she realised she was out of line and now she just wants to be friends. And why would he get back together with a pshycho that they couldn’t even hold a conversation without a fight. He was just with her out of boredom it was fun and turbulent for a while. And yet about two weeks later pictures of the two of them started surfacing,even though he denied it his best friend confirmed it to me. After the third photo I called him and just said why the hell did you lie to me and he had the nerve to attack me saying that they weren’t kissing or having sex on that pic why am I jumping to conclusions(they were lying on the beach cuddled up) and we had an hour long conversation again because we must have had them at least 10 times after he pulls me in and then pushes me away because he always says he cared for me more than anyone and this is super hard for him cause the whole illusion he created for himself of finally being normal and stable with someone had fallen apart and he hopes to get back to normal and if he does he is gonna do everything to win me back…that he is always there for me( at the time I was going through a lot with my super strict ambitious parents which really only he went through the same and understands,and engineering school problems,my younger sister being deppresed and hurting herself,my mom was diagnosed cancer…basically anything you can think of in a couple of months so it also influenced my physical health) He kept acting like we were great friends whenever he would see me which was pretty often in the gym. Then the day after my bday August 11 then I just wrote down everything what I would say if we had a breakup talk in person which he was still saying we were gonna have but after 3 months and a lot of crap I took from him I had had it. So I just sent that and deleted him from fb. He had already deleted me from instagram saying it was hard for him to look at my photos from ultra and so on and had blocked me on waap so I couldnt see his profile pic with her. Anyways after that message I blocked his messages on fb so the only way we can communicate is through text call or in person. After that he showed up at the gym just to hang out not work out 3 times. I was extremely cold to him even got in a few low blows when he started asking where am I going and who am I seeing and the more I avoided him the more he tried to communicate. He ended up going to the store and bringing my favourite chocolate and was kind of offended when I wouldn’t take it. That was 2 weeks ago. I haven’t seen him or talked to him since and he is still posting pics with her. Btw his friends have been constantly nagging me who have I been dating and why won’t I tell them. They believe I’m with someone just because I was walking out of the gym all dolled up and going for coffe with friends and became my cheerfull self again. I have tried dating but don’t feel a connection anywhere near the one I only felt with him(imagine talking to someone 24/7 for months,he sometimes called me up to 14 times a day) I have gotten back into the best shape of my life(16 years in sports so it doesn’t take long to get it back in tip top shape),I got a new hairstyle last week especially the male friends seem to like it 😛 and have gotten my energy and cheerfullnes back. I have started the nc and gotten back to being the ungettable girl because that was the thing he admired most about me and even said it. (” you can’t say you don’t look like a fitness model you have guys begging to be with you and yet you are friends with all of them. You train in a gym full of guys and yet they all treat you like you are the last drop of water in the desert. That takes some serious guts.”) By working on getting myself back and even better I’ll either atract him back or just somenthing better. It really did temporarely shatter my confidence and pulled me down at a lowpoint I even agreed to friends with benefits with him but he couldn’t go through with it and take advantage in the end. I know we are complete opposites in character but have the same interests, friends, ambitions and goals.He is a player with little to no empathy for others while I tend to put others needs ahead of my own and have really high values. Which in my opinion is why it worked so well he made me come out of my shell and stick up for myself and I made him be a better calmer and more empathic person. Now he is back to his old habits it seems when he is with her to quote him from 2 weeks ago at the gym “I left my phone home cause I knew I was gonna get wasted and after the third bottle every girl at the club was hot” maybe he actually did mean it when he said right now he can’t be the person he should be with me and that he is getting back to his old self and I should get as far as I can from him when he is like that he is only going to hurt me and how can I not see that he is trying to protect me from himself. He thought that this time it would be different but that if I stayed when he is like this that he would destroy me cause unlike all his other girls I’m not psycho and he can’t do this to me. But if he meant that why is he back with his ex and his old habbits and not working on himself? And then when he says get away but when I stop talking completely he is constantly trying to talk to me and is hurt when I don’t say hi or something? Physicall attraction is not a problem he can’t even hug me without umm problems and even his friends said he can’t mess it up cause he doesn’t even deserve me. I can’t talk to our mulual friends cause he is going to blurt it out in front of him and also none of his friends or exes or basically anyone besides me and his brother know half of the crap he has done in life and if his best friend found out about half of the stuff I know it would destroy their relationship and I can’t do that.He is the most complicated person I have ever met and yes I know it’s crazy to fall for someone like that and especially at such a short period but I am typically a person who has a lot easier time saying no than yes and I never get attached. And now I can’t get over a 7 month relationship alltogether and the less I see him the more I miss him. Even if it does fail again I want to try and see if he could potencially be the person he once was with me cause it was insane how good he was and there was nothing he wouldn’t do. His actions did prove it at the time. If he does something like this ever again I’ll know for sure he’ll never change for good. So what advice should I follow after nc? The same as with a new gf? Will it work on an ex girlfriend situation(they also lasted for a few months)? Heck she did the same to me and it drove me insane even though I did not attack him for it.
Ana
September 9, 2016 at 11:40 pm
That’s the thing. He isn’t alone,he is official with his ex again posting pictures(he unlocked his instagram after I deleted him from fb\ I know it’s bad to check it but I do want him back after all) and yet he says he could never get married to someone like that. He is never alone. He is a serious player. Often times it’s even more girls at a time. If he hadn’t been honest with me about everything and I had heard it from someone else I would never have given him a chance to begin with. Some stories seriously sound like they came from the movie Wolf of Wallstreet.Even his best friends don’t know about this stuff.When he started dating me he dumped 3 girls and deleted all the numbers of easy girls that he had,without me asking. He just said he is finally done with that part of his life. I just don’t know how this particular ex got him back considering he couldn’t stand her and even cheated on her multiple times and deleted her on pretty much everything. Also she has been there from the begining of our relationship so why would he change his mind all of a sudden after six months.Both him and his friends say she is psycho(her actions towards me proved it so I believe that part) and none of his friends support his decision…they won’t even like a photo with her. Her friends on the other hand,are forcing it. Honestly,I have considered all the options and seeing photos of our time together and remembering the things he said and did it seemed like it was the real deal and was completely unlike him because he is typically so cold and narcissistic. The problems started when we couldn’t spend time together because of the distance and work\college\competitions and also we both had a lot of personal problems at the time and she took advantage of that. Now I don’t know if it is too late to try. It has been 2 months since he called it off completely. And they started beeing official again only a week later. Could an ex be a rebound? I guess she never gave up and got what she wanted. I just don’t know how to initiate contact if I don’t happen to see him at the gym or rather I’m scared of rejection. I wish I hadn’t deleted him from fb but his bday is coming up and it is going to be around 40 days of no contact by then so I can use that as an excuse. I’m just usually too proud and stubborn to do something like this but I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind even after everything he has done in the breakup process and believe me he gave me plenty of reasons to hate him in those two months. After the breakup he only started being nice to me after I started treating him just as cold as he treated me. While I was nice and available he was horrible,as soon as I turned cold he started doing everything to get me to talk to him. But that was a little over 2 weeks ago and since then it has been no contact finally I’m doing it. And I know I’m choosing him for the right reasons,I know how to be alone and I have no problem getting a boyfriend if I wanted to. I have even rejected higher quality guys than him because I still love him which I thought was impossible in such a short amount of time especially for me. My logic usually trumps my emotions.Even trying to initiate contact seems like running after him but I guess I won’t know unless I try. However thanks to this site I’m going to try doing it the right way. And I am fully aware of the fact he really might never change for good and that it was just a temporary change to get me…everyone wants what they cant have. But I still want to try, I have nothing more to lose and I believe in second chances. I am a little scared though that I’m only fooling myself but it’s better to know. Friendzoning him (yes until he grabbed me to dance with him once,I wanted to friendzone him but all of a sudden things changed) was all it took for him to fall for me so it might work again. So should I just follow the same guide as for a new gf? I will try texting him for his bday but I still hope to rather see him in person,it’s a lot easier at least for me. Thanks for all the guides and responses,I am a lot calmer and more logical now and although in the past I have made some mistakes I hope it’s not too late. I only agreed to friends with benefits and became needy at the time because I was at a low point because of all the serious personal problems I had. Thankfully even he saw that was the only reason I agreed and couldn’t go through with it because he knows how much some things mean to me.I am going to try getting him back but also put a limit on it. If I can’t succeed in 6-8 months it’s probably best if I move on. Also if he does something like this again it is best to leave that behind,but right now it deserves a second chance. I have no other option than to take your advice and try at least once and hope for the best. Sorry for the rambling and super long comments. Thanks again 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 10, 2016 at 5:34 pm
I do think she’s a rebound.. just take everything slow.. you know if he is just using her, then he wouldnt help but compare you two always.. Dont get jealous or talk to him about the girl now.. it’s not yet the right time and that is better done when he’s in the best mood when you have enough rapport
Ana
September 8, 2016 at 3:14 pm
No,I would never do something like that but I even felt bad about just being there so I told him I couldn’t be friends with him because I know what it’s like having an ex around. So I deleted him on fb but now I changed my mind and want to give it a try. I just don’t know if it is worth trying considering he already dated her before and came back to her. I mean he said he never felt something as intense as with me,but still it was too much pressure on him being that amazing boyfriend. The funny part is I never put any pressure on him or ask him to treat me that way,he did it on his own. Even after he began dating her again he said he hopes to get back to normal and win me back cause at this rate he is going to end up alone.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 3:31 pm
hmmm I hope he’s not just being friendly with you for an option.. He should get back with you because he loves you, not because he’s afraid to be alone
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 8, 2016 at 5:15 am
Hi Ana,
what do you mean by the same as his other ex girlfriend? Did you mean sending naughty texts? Nope, don’t do that and don’t be friends with benefits after nc. If you mean being just friendly, yes.. Be civil and then slowly build rapport again.