As I was brainstorming on how I wanted to approach this article I happened to stumble across an amazing quote,
“The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.”- Joshua Harris
This quote encompasses a large portion of my views on “ex recovery.”
I’ll give you an example, whenever I am lucky enough to get a success story from a visitor of this website I look into why that person succeeded and it really boils down to one thing, timing.
I mean, think about it.
If you go through a breakup your friends and family are often quick to point out that, that particular guy wasn’t right for you.
But often, I have found that, that isn’t necessarily true.
That guy could have been the “right person” who just found themselves attracted to you at the wrong time in their life.
The truth of the matter is that successful relationships usually boil down to timing.
The timing in his life…
The timing in your life…
Now, at this point you are probably sitting there thinking,
“What the hell does this have to do with not talking to your ex in a long time?”
Well, this idea of “timing” can also be applied to getting an ex back.
If you aren’t familiar with my teachings in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO then allow me to give you a quick crash course.
I basically teach people a “value chain” for getting their ex back.
This one to be exact,
Now, if this graphic is confusing to you then I wouldn’t be surprised.
All I really want you to grasp right now is that the only way that this process works is if the timing is right and that’s essentially what this graphic is laying out for you.
It’s helping you to time things right.
My designer Taylor once told me this great quote when talking about Ex Boyfriend Recovery,
You don’t ask someone to marry you on the first date
How true is that?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd the same can be said about getting an ex back.
You can’t just ask an ex boyfriend to get back together with you immediately after the breakup.
The timing isn’t right for that.
Instead, there is a process that you have to follow to make the timing right and even then there are no guarantees.
And that leads me to my ultimate point.
WHEN you talk to an ex is just as important as HOW you talk to an ex.
And that’s what we are going to talk about today.
I am going to dissect one of the most difficult situations that a woman can find herself in if she wants her ex back, what to do if she hasn’t talked to him in a long time.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
The Rule Of Timing And Talking
There is a general rule of thumb that we abide by here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery when it comes to your chances of success.
The further removed you are from a breakup the lower your chances of success are.
Let me give you an extreme example to hammer my point home.
Imagine you have a pair of couples.
- Couple One: 3 Months Removed From A Breakup
- Couple Two: 3 Years Removed From A Breakup
Which of these couples do you think has a better chance of getting back together?
Well, our own research has proven that couple one would have a better shot because the breakup is a little fresher on the mind for them.
Whereas with couple two the breakup is three years removed.
Now, I don’t want you to forget the fact that usually some time has to pass for a couple to be ready to try again.
This point was proven in my most recent interview with Neil Sattin,
You see, Neil is currently engaged to his ex.
And they did something really unique for their breakup. Something that I hadn’t heard of before. Essentially what they did was agree that they wouldn’t date anyone else for “X” amount of days.
This gave them time to be alone and contemplate if being together was right for them.
What an idea, right?
If only all breakups could be that civil.
But I think this is an important lesson in timing because after six months apart both of them realized that they wanted to be together. In other words, the timing was right.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd with that “segue” I’d like to introduce you to a harsh truth (that you may not want to hear.)
Generally speaking the further removed you are from your last real conversation with your ex the harder it is to actually get them back
Let’s dissect this “rule.”
I think the first thing that we have to do is define what a “real conversation” is.
Take this text message as an example,
This is not a real conversation to me.
Nothing of importance or interest is being conveyed when both parties just say “hey.”
Now, compare that text message string to this one,
This is the beginning of what looks like a great conversation.
When I refer to a “real conversation” this is what I am talking about.
So, let’s imagine that the last time you had a conversation like this with your ex was a year ago. Since then, you haven’t had any real communication back and forth. Well, according to the rule above you are going to be facing some headwind when it comes to getting him back.
Now, compare that to a situation where the last time you had a real conversation with your ex was a month ago. Chances are you are going to have a much easier time rebuilding rapport and attraction.
Of course, this leads me to my ultimate point.
This article is going to be focusing on the worst case scenario and what to do if you find yourself in it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
What Is The Worst Case Scenario?
Imagine that you and your ex had a horrible breakup.
And when I say horrible… I MEAN HORRIBLE.
He was yelling…
You were yelling…
It was a yellfest!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd then the two of you went your separate ways.
You don’t talk for YEARS!
But throughout those passing years there has been this little voice in the back of your head saying,
You know what, I may have made a mistake by letting him go.
Initially it starts off small but it quickly gains enough traction to make you want to take action.
So, what do you do?
Well, before we get to that the first thing I want to say to you is that what I just laid out for you is what I consider to be “the worst case scenario.”
Essentially it’s a scenario where you haven’t talked to your ex in a very long time and there doesn’t seem to be any chance of success.
Questions are swimming around in your head like,
- What do I do?
- What do I say?
- How do I approach him?
But there’s something about me that you don’t know.
I love challenges!
In fact, that greater the challenge the more intriguing the situation becomes for me. I mean, all you have to do is read Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO to get a sense of that.
So, here’s what I am going to do for you.
I am going to come up with a clear game plan for you to follow if you haven’t talked to your ex in a long time.
I am going to teach you,
- What to do
- What to say
- How to approach him
Hmm… why does that sound so familiar?
Oh wait, I just literally said the same stuff above!
But first things first, let’s explore if you have any hope if you do find yourself in a situation where you haven’t talked to your ex in a long time?
Is There Any Hope?
Every Monday I talk to Ashley, our head of content development here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
You may be familiar with her work here, here and here.
Usually we talk about the articles she is working on for the week and we start brainstorming the articles she is going to work on for the next week. Anyways, this Monday when I talked to her I happened to mention the fact that I was working on this article and she told me a pretty shocking story.
So shocking in fact that I asked her to send it to me over text so you can see it for yourself,
So, let’s break this down for a moment.
Ashley, and her ex boyfriend went through a breakup in college where he completely cut her out of his life as he moved overseas. Despite that she eventually got back on talking terms with him and they remained friends for years to come.
One day, years after the breakup had passed he called her up and asked her to move overseas to live with him JUST SO THEY COULD DATE!
Now, you may be asking yourself,
Why would he even feature that story from Ashley?
A couple of reasons!
First off, I want to show you that even when a situation seems impossible there is still hope.
Others have succeeded at what you are trying to do.
Secondly, I think we can learn something from Ashley’s approach.
But before I start diving into that I think we need to define our goal.
What Are You Trying To Accomplish?
This may be the most important question that you ask as you commit yourself to this process.
Why?
Because it’s going to dictate the way you go about things.
- Are you trying to get him back?
- Are you just trying to get back on speaking terms with him?
- Are you just trying to rekindle a friendship?
For the purposes of this article we are going to approach things like you are trying to get him back (since I think most of the women who read this are going to find themselves in that exact situation.)
BUT I find that I always explain things better when I have specific situation to work with.
I mean, there is a big “X” factor in play here still.
The “X” Factor: How long has it been since you had a real conversation with your ex
Let’s go ahead and assume that it’s been 4 months since the last conversation you had with your ex.
So, going forward I am going to try to tailor advice to this situation,
You want to get your ex boyfriend back after not talking to him once in a total of four months.
The big question jumbling around in your mind at this point probably is,
What the hell do I do to succeed in a situation like that?
Well, Here’s What You Do
This is going to sound really weird and make me sound like I am an old man but I have been doing this for half a decade!
And when you spend that much time focused on breakups you start picking up on the patterns that work versus the patterns that don’t work. That simple fact makes what I am about to say that much more powerful.
There’s just something about self improvement that is sexy to an ex.
It sounds counter productive, right?
I mean, I am sure that expert after expert has peddled “magic bullets” and “guarantees” in front of you in your search for answers and the thing about those “magic bullet guarantees” is that they usually revolve around a specific way to act in front of your ex.
But I am going to tell you a secret.
There is no magic bullet when it comes to getting an ex back
Yes, I will agree that there is an optimum way to act in “ex recovery” but oftentimes that pails in comparison to someone who has actually gone out and made something of themselves during their time apart.
Again, I hate to sound like a broken record but this point was hammered home by relationship expert, Neil Sattin in my most recent interview with him here (insert link).
He credited the fact that he had time apart with his ex as the reason for why they eventually ended up together.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
Ok, I kind of get what you are talking about Chris BUT your thoughts are a little scattered. Is there a way you can really explain what you mean by “self improvement.”
Sure!
Let’s just start another section.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
How To Improve During Your Time Apart
The first thing I want to explain to you is the fact that most women in your situation make a massive mistake when they come to the realization that they want to get their exes back after a long time apart.
The mistake?
They contact him without having made any significant strides in their own personal development.
Hmmm.. how can I put this?
Ok, imagine that there are two versions of you,
Each of these versions have dated your ex and each of them is in the same exact circumstance that we are covering in this article, they want him back after not having talked to him for a significant amount of time.
The only difference between these two versions of you is what they have done with that “significant” amount of time.
Version one hasn’t done anything with her time apart from her ex.
Version two has done a lot. She’s gotten a new job. Lost a lot of weight. Dated a few new people. Made a lot of friends.
Hell, she feels like an entirely new/better person.
So, let’s switch gears for a moment and look at the situation from your exes perspective.
After, let’s say four months, version one of you reaches out to your ex and tries to get him back. Ultimately he isn’t receptive to version one because he feels like that chapter in his life is over and he doesn’t want another messy breakup.
I mean, version one has nothing new to bring to the table.
Version two, on the other hand, does!
In fact, version two is almost like a completely different person and that brings a sense of newness and excitement to the relationship and I think we all know my thoughts on “newness.”
Now, I realized I have talked a lot but I haven’t really given you anything actionable for self improvement.
Well, I am actually going to give you my two best tips.
- The “Date Yourself” Philosophy
- The Holy Trinity
What Is The “Date Yourself” Philosophy?
About a week ago I conducted an interview with a pretty interesting woman.
Her name is Veronica Grant and she is a dating coach.
You can watch the interview here,
Now, the thing that really caught my eye when it came to Veronica was the fact that she is a big proponent of “dating yourself.” Now, I am someone who considers myself to be pretty “well read” but I hadn’t ever heard of “dating yourself.”
So, that was an obvious question that I brought to her attention and she had maybe one of the best answers I had ever heard before,
Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking like a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.
What an idea!
By treating yourself like you want to be treated in a relationship you are essentially putting yourself in a happier frame of mind and you are opening yourself up to positive experiences.
Not only is it a way to reshape your philosophy of how you should be treated by a man you date but it is also a way to self heal.
It’s ingenious and I have to give Veronica all the credit in the world on this one.
You can check her out here.
So, that’s kind of my first BIG tip for you.
Take a few weeks and “date yourself.”
However, I want you to simultaneously do something else.
Take Advantage Of The Holy Trinity
Life can be divided up into three important aspects,
- Health
- Wealth
- Relationships
These three aspects make up what I like to call “the holy trinity.”
I’ve talked about this a lot on this website before so it’s not like I am revolutionizing anything here.
The idea here is to take each one of these aspects of the holy trinity and improve your life significantly. This way by the time you do end up contacting your ex after this extended period it’s going to seem like you are an even better version of yourself that he is used to.
Besides, I think it really plays into this idea of “dating yourself.” By focusing on the holy trinity you are focusing on yourself and doing things that are going to ultimately make you feel good about yourself.
Now, I don’t want to get too much into how to improve each aspect of “the holy trinity” especially when it’s something that I cover in great detail in my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. What I will say though is that even though it seems like improving each aspect of “the holy trinity” seems like an easy thing to do, it’s not.
As a human being you only have a certain amount of time that you can dedicate into each aspect and finding the perfect balance of time for each aspect is very difficult.
So, don’t think that this is going to be a walk in the park because it’s not.
What To Say To Your Ex After Not Talking To Him In A Long Time
A funny thing happened a few weeks ago when I was fielding questions for my podcast. You see, if you aren’t already aware I run a pretty diverse podcast where I allow visitors to call in and ask me questions using this page.
Anyways, I happened to get a really funny question and it stuck with me enough to write about it here.
Basically, a woman who you could tell really wanted her ex back completely botched what I like to call “the first contact” text message.
First Contact Text Message: The first time you talk to your ex after an extended period of time (like the no contact rule.)
I have to admit that this is an area where a lot of women struggle and it’s not hard to see why.
There are so many questions floating around in their heads,
- What do I say?
- Will he respond?
- What if he says something mean back to me?
- Will this even work?
These questions are very relevant because you are probably having these same exact questions.
However, there is one question that I know for a fact consumes most women,
Won’t it be weird to just “all of a sudden” show up in my exes life after not talking to him for a long time?
The answer to this question is,
“Yes it will be weird.”
And this is something that we have to overcome together.
So, how can we overcome this “weirdness?”
Well, really it boils down to what you say. As long as you word things in the right way and convey something interesting that initial weird feeling won’t matter so much.
It’s often said that,
“Words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair; they can transfer knowledge from teacher to student; words enable the orator to sway his audience and dictate its decisions. Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions and prompting all men’s actions.” -Sigmund Freud
And that’s how you are going to overcome this weirdness, with words.
The real question is,
What Words Shall You Use?
Hmm…
That is a great question!
A few months ago I did a podcast episode deconstructing the perfect first contact text message.
In that episode I mentioned that there are generally four factors that you need to look at to create a perfect message.
- Knowledge
- Story
- Action Phrases
- The Tie In
So, here’s what I am going to do for you. I am going to go through each of these factors and give you examples of how you are going to incorporate them into your first contact text message.
Sound like a plan?
Let’s begin,
Knowledge
The first thing you are going to want to do is leverage what you already know to be true about your ex.
What are his likes?
His dislikes?
What is the one topic that he always lit up on when you would talk to him about it?
I’ll give you an example, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to talk to him about “french fries” in your first contact text message if you know for a fact that he despises them. Essentially what you are doing is you are leveraging what you know about him to pick a topic or theme of your text message. You want this topic or theme to be positive in nature.
I’ll tell you what.
I’ll use my ex as an example so I can jump down to your level.
When I look back on my relationship with my ex there is one singular thought that jumps to mind, sky diving.
For some reason my ex was obsessed with skydiving and wanting nothing more to do it. Of course, I didn’t want to sky dive or do anything like that at all. But she had some strange obsession with it.
This is important knowledge for me to understand because it’s going to be the theme of my text message. In other words, my entire text message to my ex would be about sky diving.
So, now that we have the theme of the message picked out let’s move on to the next component of the first contact text message, stories.
Story
Here’s a little known fact.
If you want to become a master at re-attracting your ex the first thing you need to do is become a master storyteller.
But how?
How do you become a master storyteller?
Well, you are going to use logic and rhetoric.
Both are equally important to master and both must be used in your first contact text message.
For the record,
- Logic- Stating the facts in a story
- Rhetoric- Telling a story in a way so that it has the most impact on an audience
I did a great little skit explaining this in detail in the video below,
So, here’s what we know so far about the perfect first contact text message.
- You need to pick a theme around the text message utilizing the knowledge you have of your ex
- Once you have your theme picked you need to work it into a story utilizing logic and rhetoric
Lets move on to the next component.
Action Phrases
I want you to imagine something for me for a moment.
Imagine that you are walking around at a function and you see a group of your friends huddled together talking amongst themselves.
You walk up to this group and you try to get their attention by simply saying,
“Hey”
Of course, they are talking amongst themselves and don’t hear the “hey.”
Simply talking to them won’t do the trick.
What you really need to do is something drastic to get their attention.
So you decide to “SNAP” really loud,
This works as immediately everyone stops what they are doing and turns their attention to you.
The same principle is going to apply to your first contact text message.
You need to do something that grabs your exes attention away from whatever it is he is doing and focus his attention on you.
That’s where “action phrases” come into play.
An action phrase is something that you can say to your ex to snap him into place and grab his attention.
I’ll give you an example,
These are all examples of action phrases. I mean, imagine how you would react if someone who you were interested in had texted one of these things to you.
Do you think you’d respond?
I’m betting that you would!
So, the question now becomes,
What do you do with your action phrase?
Well, it’s how I want you to start the conversation with your ex. I want you to snap his attention to you and then you can get into telling your story.
Let’s move on to the final component of the first contact text message.
The Tie In
I’m going to admit that there is some risk with this and for that reason I am going to say that this particular component is optional.
Here’s how the tie in works.
At the end of your first contact text message you are going to say a phrase similar to this,
“It was the first time I thought about you in a while.”
The purpose of saying this is that you want to accomplish two things,
- Establish that you aren’t thinking too much about your ex
- Make him wonder, “Why hasn’t she thought of me in the X amount of time we haven’t talked?”
Honestly, that’s all there is to this component.
Remember, it’s optional and can be a bit risky.
Putting It All Together
Ok, let’s put all of this stuff together so you can get a full grasp of how a perfect first contact text should work and since I kind of already got one started centered around my ex let’s just take that and run with it.
So, if you’ll recall there are four main components to a perfect first contact text message
- Knowledge
- Story
- Action Phrase
- Tie In
What I’d like to do now is go down the list and start constructing my text based on these four items.
Let’s start with knowledge,
KNOWLEDGE
If you remember my teaching on knowledge above you’d remember that the theme I chose for a hypothetical first contact text message to my own ex would revolve around sky diving.
Why?
Because I know it’s something that she was obsessed about and would be responsive to.
Therefore, this first contact text message is going to revolve around skydiving.
STORY
This is where you have to get a bit creative. My job here is to create a compelling story that my ex is going to want to hook into or respond to. Now, this may sound crazy but here’s the idea I came up with.
My ex was obsessed with sky diving because it’s something that she always wanted to do but never had the guts to.
Some would say that it’s a dream of hers.
Well, what if I went sky diving?
Then I would have one hell of a story to tell, wouldn’t I?
Now, am I recommending that you should go sky diving and text your ex about it? Absolutely not. I am just trying to show you how powerful this method can be if you really commit to it.
So, the story I tell my ex will probably look like this,
This text paints a vivid picture of me being “so nervous that I am shaking.” Something that I feel a lot of people can relate to when they think of skydiving.
It’s a perfect story too because it’s something my ex always wanted to do so I am close to certain that she can hook into the story and respond to the text.
Of course, simply telling this story isn’t enough. Remember, there are a few extra steps.
ACTION PHRASE
One can argue that this is the most important part of the first contact text message because this is the phrase that is supposed to capture an exes attention and make them pay attention.
And since we already have our theme and our story all we really need at this point is to say something to call my exes attention to it and I have just the thing!
Six simple words,
Ideally, my ex will get this text and immediately be curious as to where I am in.
Thus, she will answer the text with,
And this is how you can segue into your story.
This leads us to our final component.
TIE IN
Finally I think it might be a nice touch for me to add in,
This ties directly into my exes feelings and it’s kind of a sweet thing to say.
So, when you put everything together here’s what it looks like,
What Do I Do Next?
So, let’s assume that you sent a first contact text message to your ex boyfriend after not seeing or talking to each other in a very long time.
What do you do next?
Well, do you have five hours to talk with me?
Seriously, explaining everything you have to do would take me that long.
I’ll give you an example.
This Friday I am going to be conducting a live coaching call and posting it on my podcast (In fact, after it goes live I may pop back on this page and update this section so you can see it.)
Anyways, I have been prepping for this thing for a good week now and have a pretty good idea on what I want to tackle with the person being featured.
There’s just one problem.
We only have an hour to chat on the phone and an hour isn’t anywhere near what it takes to explain everything that needs to happen in order to get an ex back.
And that leaves us at a bit of a fork in the road.
The way I see it is you have two choices.
Choice #1: Take what little you’ve learned in this article and hope it’s enough to win your ex back.
Choice #2: Obtain a resource that has everything laid out for you step by step so you know exactly what to do.
Which choice do you prefer?
Probably choice two, right?
Well, I’d like to introduce you to the resource that I am talking about in choice two.
It’s called, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO and without a doubt I am confident in saying that it’s the most comprehensive resource out there for you to lean on when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back.
Oh, and one of the things you’ll learn about in PRO is the fact that you need to constantly leave your ex wanting more.
Which is kind of what I am doing right now 😉 .
Mel
August 2, 2022 at 1:41 pm
Hi Shauna,
I’m at the point of giving up and ask is it worth trying to get him back? Summary;
He left to live with new girlfriend in February
I initiated a NCR of 30 days
He wanted to be friends which i agreed to
I seemed to be initiating all contact
We met for coffee which he said he enjoyed
Recently he said our romantic relationship is irretrievable
He no longer considers my house as home
When we message it’s always me initiating and he usually doesn’t respond or drops out oof conversations
What do I do? Personally I’ve decided to wait for him to contact me. Good idea? He’s obviously been gone now for 6 months
Thanks
Mel
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 5, 2022 at 5:47 pm
Hey Mel, I would suggest that you spend some time working through the being there method, the Ungettable girl information and just spend some time focusing on yourself. By the sounds of things he is in the honeymoon phase with this new girlfriend, so you need to allow them this time to realise that things are not as well as they imagined, you had a long relationship with him and you know him well. So you have memory texts and what he is interested in to get him talking when the time goes, but I would say at least a 45 day NC while you spend some time working on yourself a little.
Gina
April 26, 2020 at 8:16 am
It has not been 4 months no contact, but 4 months since the breakup. I have tried reaching out a couple of times after NC talking about little stuff, last time about 3 weeks ago. But somehow the convo always turns emotional because even though he replies he also says he doesnt want to talk too much because he doesnt want to be close friends or get back together. Since he is still in this state of not wanting contact, that is why i am wondering if it really is because there are still too many feelings even after months or if it can be that he has actually just had enough with me and is done forever, just tired of the thought of me? He still loved me when he broke up, but since he is working towards putting our whole relation behind him, hasnt he been able to do that now that it has been 4 months?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 2, 2020 at 2:25 pm
Hi Gina, I think that he is still set on things not getting back to how they were so when you reach out are you prolonging your conversations to pass their welcome? You need short positive bursts of conversations that you end first, no more then 2/3 texts at a time every few days and then build it up. However since he told you recently that he does not want to get back together you need to complete another 21 day No contact where you solely focus on the Holy Trinity
Gina
April 14, 2020 at 8:17 am
When it has been 4 months has he not forgotten all about me? As I work on improving myself with the hope of getting him back, he works on improving himself with the mindset that he does not want anything to do with me ever again. Won’t he have forgotten all the feelings he ever had? Can his love for me really disappear completely when he cared so much about me? He has never been as in love as he was with me.
He loved me so much even at the time he broke up with me but he didn’t feel well in our relationship because of the arguements we would have. He was very clear when he said he didn’t want to stay close friends even after 2 months of NC. He didn’t seem angry at all just tired and spoke to me in a nice and calm matter when he said I will never get my will. Can a rational mind like this be changed? Is it really because there are still too many feelings even after months or can it be that he has actually just had enough and is done forever, just tired of the thought of me?
I am seriously scared i might not ever see him again, especially since he moves to the other side of the country in a couple of months.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 23, 2020 at 3:35 pm
Hi Gina, has it been 4 months of No Contact? If so then this is not what we suggest, ideally you should be texting him for short positive conversations where you are just talking about interests and hobbies. Building your connection again. If you have been asking him back during these 4 months then you would need to complete a 45 day NC before reaching out to attempt these non emotional conversations
Shawna
March 25, 2020 at 8:20 am
So, won’t it be awkward if you do the attention grabbing text and get no response? I haven’t talked to my LDR. in 4 months. The last thing he said was that he knew I wasn’t being myself and to know he doesn’t judge me (from first and last fight we had where I acted needy af and caused drama)I told him to reach out if he ever wanted to chat…obviously he never did. At this point I only want to be his friend As I’ve realized that he is too young for me but I miss our conversations and I have no one in my life like him. I know exactly what I would talk about for my story but will it still work if I don’t use that attention grabbing question. I would be pretty disappointed if he just left me hanging feeling pretty stupid. Also, I see him in my online chat room everyday so it might be hard to end it the way you suggest but I’m more concerned about the attention grabbing opening.. his birthday is in two days? Can a happy birthday be an opener? I pray he responds..ugh thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 27, 2020 at 12:19 am
Hi Shawna, we do not use happy birthday as an opener for conversation we use the pattern interrupt as they are not going to know what you will say to them next, it makes the intrigued to talking to you. When you start the texting phase it is about being confident in yourself and planning your texts and responses for all outcomes. If your ex does not reply at all you leave it for a few days before reaching out agian with a different text
Jenee C.W
March 15, 2020 at 10:19 am
Hopefully you are still taking comments. Me and my ex were madly in love but at a terrible time. I had just moved across country alone and met him. Prior to the move I was in a abusive relationship. He grew fond of me but I needed a lot of healing to move on to something new and it be successful. He also had baggage so it was a lot of back and forth . He would chase me when I needed some time to get myself together. We had a lot of off and on’s and he would be so understanding. After not seeing him in a while we got into contact and things went bad. We had closure months later and we expressed the things that we grew through and were cool. I hit him up months later and he responded. He asked about my family and that was it. I hit him up a few days ago which would be almost a year. After the text, he FaceTimed me and wanted to talk. We spoke briefly over the phone. I was in his city but he wasn’t feeling good. I didn’t worry about him not seeing me because he was sick. Before I left, I told him it was good seeing him and I hope everything continues to go well for him. He text me back explaining why he couldn’t see me because it was last minute. I replied explaining that I understood. And he never responded for two days. I called on the second day he didn’t answer. But text me hey late that night. I replied and he never text back. That was two days ago. What is going on? I love him still. I’m just lost in understanding his approach. And why FaceTime if you did not care.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 23, 2020 at 11:59 pm
Hi Jenee, it sounds as if he reached out to have a conversation with you, and if you want him back then you need to make some efforts to continue to work up the value ladder so that you get your ex to invest more time in talking to you and wanting to see you.
Genevieve
March 22, 2018 at 7:30 pm
Also, i forgot to mention that this girl was a brief fling before he met me. They were both on the school rowing team, and he used to say she was not his type at all. But because he was still a young sophomore in college, and she kept making advances on him, he reciprocated the flirtations and such for a few weeks but ended it when she “became annoying and clingy.” She is the last person any of his friends and I would expect to go out with, and his best friend told me he was genuinely shocked about this, especially since my ex had tried to meet new girls on tinder in order to move on, but it seemed that failed.
Again, I don’t know if my ex is actually dating her, but if it’s true, I’m wondering if she is a rebound out of loneliness? I’m started initiating contact 2 days ago, and Im trying to use subjects he is interested in. His responses were more positive at first, but became mostly neutral and he responds every 10-30 minutes.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 28, 2018 at 5:55 pm
Hi Genevieve,
Just approach slowly building rapport like normal because you’re not suppose to know he’s seeing other people.. That would make him think you’re asking other people about him..
Genevieve
March 22, 2018 at 7:13 pm
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. We still talked for a month because he wanted to figure things out, then I decided to do NC after he decided he didn’t want to get back together. He texted me once in late January, sending me a random article about my college, but I didn’t answer because I was still heartbroken and confused on this random message. Now, 2 months later since he sent that random message, Im feeling much better and have done lots of things (dates, running, learning to snowboard). But his best friend texted me the other day and warned me that my ex got hammered and revealed that he is now dating someone. My ex also revealed that he wanted me back, but thought I was angry still and moved on, so he decided he had to move on. This girl he is dating, I remember that she was a very brief fling before he met me, and he said it was because she kept coming onto him in that manner and he, being a sophomore boy in college, reciprocated her advances for a few weeks before she started annoying him. He ended it a few months before I came along, she developed a huge crush on him since then, and she seemed to resent me for being his girlfriend. She kept checking up on him once in a great while throughout our relationship (2 1/2 years) to see if he was available. She now lives 5 hours away, so I don’t know if this “relationship” my ex has with her is true, especially since he was quite open with how much she annoyed him and disliked her very much when I was with him. It’s possible that his best friend lied to me because he is the type who likes to mess with people. But now I am initiating contact with my ex, catching up and trying to get him interested in our conversations, and his responses are usually some positive and mostly neutral, but he also takes his time to answer me. I’m scared that I may not have a chance because we havent talked for a long time, but this girl he might be dating lives so far away so I’m hoping I do? He was the one who said he couldn’t stand me living 45 minutes away, so I don’t get why he would choose a girl who is 5 hours away? None of his friends saw this coming, and they aren’t sure why or what’s going on either, since he hasn’t been talking to them about his love life. She was the last person we would expect for him to date. I can’t tell if he is just lonely and that could be why? How should I approach this?
Genevieve Salvatierra
March 22, 2018 at 6:01 pm
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. We still talked for a month because he wanted to figure things out, then I decided to do NC after he decided he didn’t want to get back together. He texted me once in late January, sending me a random article about my college, but I didn’t answer cause I was still heartbroken and confused on this random message. Now, 2 months later since he sent that random message, Im feeling much better and have done lots of things (dates, running, learning to snowboard). But his best friend texted me the other day and warned me that my ex got hammered and revealed that he is now dating someone. My ex also revealed that he wanted me back, but thought I was angry still and moved on, so he decided he had to move on. This girl he is dating, I remember who she is. She had a huge crush on him long before I met him, and she resented me and kept checking up on him throughout our relationship (2 1/2 years) to see if he was available. She now lives 5 hours away, so I don’t know if this “relationship” my ex has with her is true, especially since he was quite open with how much she annoyed him and disliked her very much. It’s possible that his best friend lied to me because he has tried to mess with me before. But now I am talking with my ex, catching up and such and trying to get him interested in our conversations, and his responses are between positive and neutral, and he takes his time to answer me. I’m scared that I may not have a chance because we havent talked for a long time, but this girl lives so far away so I’m hoping I do? He was the one who said he couldn’t stand me living 45 minutes away, so I don’t get why he chose a girl who is 5 hours away? None of his friends saw this coming, and they aren’t sure why or what’s going on either, since he hasn’t been telling them anything about his love life since we ended. How should I approach this?
Ntokozo
February 11, 2018 at 5:59 pm
Ex broke up with me 6 months ago. I told him i still loved him over a month ago and he said he doesmt have time for a relationship because he wants to focus 100% on school (we both in college) so after that conversation i didnt text him and neither did her. Should i just give up and move on and should i keep trying to use the antics here on this site?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 15, 2018 at 6:13 pm
Hi Ntokoxo,
If you’ve used nc a lot, then yes, it’s time to move on..
V
May 2, 2017 at 1:25 pm
Hi Amor! This is the exact day 30 of my NC. I’ve been practicing my driving skill and about to sign up for a boxing class, remembering how he loves independent girls who know how to drive and used to encourage me to take driving lessons. Personally, this is quite a good excuse to initiate a conversation. But I don’t know because I feel like I’m not ready yet and since he’s been flirting this other girl, he might be too busy “feeling happy” with her and forget about me. Thus, the more I think of sharing this happiness, the more the breakup pain aches. I remember the week before our break, and how he dared to have the thought of leaving me… I don’t know if there’s still anything left to start again. Despite the thought that keeps me from go-for-it, I’m still eager to tell him about this new driving skill but I also want to do another 30 days NC, can I still talk about the great news of 30 days ago? I don’t know if I should contact him now or wait a little bit longer.
The past 30 days, I realized that I don’t need to change much of my appearance because he loves girls with a little belly fat and long dark hair, the only thing is my acne which probably a subconscious add-up to convince him breakup with me is a should. Here’s my theory: (1) he didn’t love me enough to do what a bf needs to do (aka the fire is small) => (2) didn’t text me when he went out and disappeared for 28 hours => (3) fed my hot temper+clinginess, I cried a lot from overthinking of every possible scenarios (literally) => (4) Quarrels every 1-2 weeks/Different mindset => He felt guilty of (2) -> (3) that led to (4), doubted the ability to work it out (negative emotions: guilt, insecurities) and blamed me for the whole breakup => chose to give up on me. So I know that I’ll have to turn his negative emotions into positive ones, but is it possible to reignite the fire and make it bigger somehow?
What’s your thought Amor?
V
May 5, 2017 at 2:42 pm
Hi Amor,
So I was right about having to message him much more than planned. But boy, I was wrong about the content. He was out of control. After I replied he started talking about his past few days. How he didn’t take care of himself. Staying at school from 6AM to 9PM studying even when no class, neglecting his looks (he usually very neat), risking his study by submitting assignments late and getting to class late (not like him at all, his study is very important to him), efurbishing his motorbike over and over. His mom told him that he has gotten thinner and he hated that. He also told he was wearing the shirt I gave him the whole day, even wore it going to the hospital (I asked were he sick and he just bluntly replied that he went to get some medicine). I have always been the only one that he could complain about his day to, the only one that he showed his weak side to. I was upset at the fact that he damned himself but kept my calm anyway. I asked him why were him treating himself badly like that and he acted like not getting my question. And “why don’t you tell this to your friends and family, why it has to be me?” and he said “It’s nice to have someone to hear me babble. Having the occasion that you talk to me, I don’t even know since when I talk this much”. I got a feeling that all those things he did have somewhat to do with me and the breakup.
I asked a guy friend of mine what was that all mean, he said my ex might tricking me into getting back to him, or he simply has a weak mind, cannot cope up with the breakup. That he wants me. But I denied, saying not until he admits it and maintain my calm
The last thing my ex told me was “It’s late. Go to sleep.” I didn’t say anything.
V
May 4, 2017 at 4:11 am
I just replied to his yesterday’s question with a “just guess”. I know he only online in his free time so I have no problem with late replies. He guessed a few & added “your body have always been easy to get bruises”. I also anticipate having to text more than 2 texts in day 2 if he asks more, meaning to break Chris’s texting routine a little >.< is it okay to do so? since there's still plenty of time for the day and he may know I try to play the leaving-you-waiting card since he did that to me before the parting, could get worse if he thinks this is to get back at him at some point along the way. But i'll try to keep it brief.
Thank you for your words Amor, they really hit me. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have the courage to do the first contact. I know it's just the beginning, there will be more obstacles to get through in the future, I hope I can still maintain this solid state of mind i'm having right now that keeps me going.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 4, 2017 at 3:29 pm
It’s ok..follow your gut just don’t over do and always end at high note..you’re welcome!
V
May 3, 2017 at 4:23 pm
quick update, I used FB to initiate first contact with him just a few hours ago (this is usually our main source of communication bc we never cross paths even though living in the same city), my heart pounded as I took like 5 minutes to decide whether to hit Enter. Here’s the details:
7:55pm “Hey, I got something I want to share. Thinking you should know. *a happy emoji*”
9:14pm: “What is it”
“I just got home from class” (yes you took a night class, I still remember that)
9:50pm: “kay, i’m about to hit the sheet so just gonna make it short, i’ll tell more when there’s more time available. *a satisfied emoji* So last holiday I went to my grandma’s house and practiced riding a bike, a child’s one. Only practiced for a day, haven’t fell down the river yet but i might killed some flowers on neighbor’s fences, but bet you $5 that i can finally strike a smooth direct road like drunkens =)) welp, thought u’d be proud. *another satisfied emoji*”
10:10pm: *A sticker I can’t read bc i turned wifi off*
“marvelous”
“but any scratches?” (that’s him being polite to a normal friend, i honestly have no expectation this time, first time ever I actually feel calm since the breakup… feeling blessed somehow)
I didn’t leave the ‘Seen’ mark (hopefully), leaving it for day 2. So how did I do it Amor?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 3, 2017 at 8:07 pm
that’s good..it ended at high point..
V
May 3, 2017 at 12:37 pm
Hey, thanks for your reply, Amor! He said “I don’t want us to argue so often. I wanted a long-term relationship, but IT IS YOU who made me rethink my decision.” (english isn’t our native language so that’s the best meaning I could deliver) and more of that coming. And you’re absolutely right about me keep focusing on the past. Overthinking is my bad practice, I was so afraid of what displayed in the past and the present that could affect whatever influenced his action in the future. There are days when I felt alright, happy and all that I thought “this is it, this is the day I got my life under control”, but the next day the pain returned.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 2, 2017 at 8:23 pm
what do you mean that he blamed you? did he really say that or is that your thoughts only? dont focus in the past and what he might be thinking, that’s not going to help you..if you improved yourself and were active in posting, initiate texting and slowly build rapport and attraction while continuing to improve yourself..
Michi
January 30, 2017 at 10:59 pm
Hi so after you told me to build a rapport I started messaging him here and there and always got either a positive response or a neutral one. Last weekend I was babysitting a mutual friends dog for the weekend and she happens to live close to him so I decided since things were going well to see if he wanted to catch up. I sent him a message telling him that I was free that weekend if he wanted to catch a movie or something, a couple of hours later I got a response from him saying “can’t this weekend… Thanks for the invite though!!” I figured he was blowing me off in a nice way so I decided to not send him messages for a little while… It’s been a little over a week and I didn’t send anything nor did I receive anything from him. I went online to “check up” on him on Facebook (even though we aren’t Facebook friends) and noticed that he blocked me, I know this because I couldn’t even search his name and asked my friend if she could find him and she could… He only did this yesterday so almost a week after me asking him to hang out and it doesn’t make sense to me because I wasn’t bothering him or anything and I am wondering why he would out of the blue block me… I have a couple of theories but want to know what you think….
1) his new gf (idk if he has one or not just a theory) doesn’t want him talking to his exs-which I still don’t understand the complete block because we weren’t Facebook friends and we spoke now and then and it was nothing serious
2) seeing posts through mutual friends still brings up memories and he is trying to still get over me- in which case means he still cares which means why aren’t we together?
3) he saw my post about my upcoming vacation which pissed him off because it was a place we wanted to go to together and talked about going there for our honeymoon – but how can he be mad for me “moving on” when he doesn’t want to try again
Regardless all three seem extreme to me especially since it’s not like we were really talking that much and I was bothering him…like I said I haven’t spoken to him in over a week
So what do you make of this? What are my next steps?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2017 at 3:09 pm
Hi Mitchi
there’s a high chance that it is his gf that made him do that out of jealousy. His anger can be a good sign because that means he’s still jealous but that can also mean he’s just being possesive and he still sees the old you, that’s why he still doesn’t want to try again, aside from the fact that there is another girl in his life.. At this point, the best you can do is to keep improving yourself
Michi
January 17, 2017 at 8:12 am
Hi,
My ex and I broke up about 3-4 months ago. We were very serious, he wanted me to move in with him, we would talk about getting married and having children. It seemed like all of a sudden everything took a 180 degree turn and he flipped out saying that he wasn’t sure he wanted to have kids and that he felt as though I was emotionally abusing him (this was all during the time he got promoted so I think it had a lot to do with stress) during our last conversation he told me that he still loves me and that maybe in the future once we both healed that maybe we can try again. I was heartbroken, I believe that if you love someone you stick and work your problems together not push that person away. Well we cut off all communications and haven’t spoken in about 3 months. Then on Jan 1, 2017 I get a Facebook message from him saying happy new year!! And saying that he had heard I left my job and was asking how my job search was going. We talked a little and he was saying how everything is a struggle with his own demons, I told him that it’s the new year and he should think positively and continue moving forward. We haven’t spoken since (it’s been 17 days) should I message him? What should I say? Or continue to wait for him to message me again?
Michi
January 18, 2017 at 1:46 am
I believe I improved… I started working out and eating healthier, I also have been hanging out my friends more and going out and I found a new job and will be starting that soon … It has gotten easier and I don’t want to cry whenever I think about us but I still love him so much and I do look him up on Facebook/Instagram once in a while even though we aren’t friends, we have mutual friends and I can see if he comments or likes their pictures/ posts…. I just want to know if the fact that he messaged me means he still cares and maybe wants to get back together?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 18, 2017 at 5:30 pm
let’s say he missed you and remembered you.. if you’re going to initiate contact, slowly build rapport first
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 17, 2017 at 7:13 pm
Hi Michi,
how much did you improve since you broke up?
Cara
November 25, 2016 at 2:12 am
Thank you EBR team for this page. It gives me some hope even though many people have told me that’ it’s been too long and the chances are low. I still think anything is possible. I’ve heard of stories of people successfully getting back together after 2, 3, and even 5 years.
Christina H.
November 8, 2016 at 4:50 pm
Hi,
I have been on and off with my bf for about 4 years. We have been though a lot but I have always believed he has cared for me. I had to put my cat down a few weeks ago (this may sound silly, but it was devastating) and my bf could not have been more supportive and loving. I was so impressed! Then, a week ago, he lied about going out and drinking and we had plans the following day. I found out he lied and cancelled plans.. then I didn’t hear from him all day so I was worried because he never texted me back. When he finally did, he was extremely rude and has not spoken to me since. WTF?! How could he do this? I see this as his way out – but I don’t get it? He was so great when my cat passed and then all of a sudden he’s gone? Please help – I am so angry and sad. 🙁
Christina
November 17, 2016 at 8:35 pm
He did lie about going out because he knew I would get upset… It’s been three weeks and NOT ONE SINGLE WORD. I cannot believe he would hurt me like this. How could he not know ignoring me and blocking me would be incredibly painful? He obviously does not care. Mind you, this is the same guy that a few months ago was taking about moving in, marriage, wanting to take trips with me, etc. I am beyond hurt and angry.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 19, 2016 at 7:03 pm
What’s your plan? Even though you havent spoken for weeks, it’s not considered a no contact rule if you werent focused in healing and improving yourself.. And if he lied because he knew you wouldnt approve, I think that’s one of the things that need to change if you ever get back together
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 11, 2016 at 10:49 pm
Hi Christina,
I understand. It’s not silly. I have pets too. But I think he understood how you loved your cat, so he was comforting. But that doesn’t have anything to do with why he lied. Is he a constant lier? We’re you always having problems about him going out?
Emily
November 7, 2016 at 4:43 pm
Hi, I am back in contact with my ex after almost a year, I am still in the first contact stages really, doing some good memory messages but taking it slow. Whilst I am back in contact should I be still doing jealousy in terms of pictures with other guys? like in no contact? or will this push him away? Many Thanks!
Emily
November 8, 2016 at 10:05 am
Hi Amor,
Great thank you! So glad I asked before I acted. So great that your team have written this article, seems to be getting a lot of comments. Thanks for everything you guys do!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 11, 2016 at 4:24 pm
Thank you too Emily!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 11:18 pm
Hi Emily,
hold back for now and focus in building rapport..
Evelyn
November 7, 2016 at 4:29 pm
What does this mean When me and my ex don’t talk or call or text anymore, but stills feels jealous or offended when seen pictures with random guys or girls? After 7 months of breakup??
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 10:04 pm
More likely, it’s that sense of ownership and ego.. you were once his, so being human, there would really be jealousy when you’ve got someone new
Evelyn
November 7, 2016 at 4:26 pm
Suppose me and my ex haven’t texted or talked for 7 long months butjust spy each other on WhatsApp,Instagram and facebook. What does this mean? When we don’t talk or call or text anymore, but stills feels jealous or offended when seen pictures with random guys or girls?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 10:04 pm
More likely, it’s that sense of ownership and ego.. you were once his, so being human, there would really be jealousy when you’ve got someone new
Evelyn
November 6, 2016 at 4:08 am
Hi
my ex broke up with me 3 months ago. I tried the NC rule for 1 month and it worked. But after 1 week he again broke up with me. He says that i dont care or love him much and that he has to concentrate on his projects and im distracting him. We both are in different schools and barely meet but we do call each other every single day. I tried NC again but its going beyond 90 days. Has he really forgotten about me?? He has blocked me on fb at first month . At that time i was not on whatsapp. After 1 month i took whatsapp and tried out a test to see whether he has my number, to my surprise he did, as i can see his private profile.
Then again after 1 half month he texted me an exclamation mark. I dont know what he’s trying to say but just a ( ! ). And that too twice. I didnt text back nor did he block me. He is pretty stubborn and has big ego. Its been 3 half months now and i dont know what to do. At the time of breakup he told me not to call or text him ever again. So i dont know if i should text him or call him as he made that statement. I want him to take the initiative of calling me .
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 12:18 pm
Hi Evelyn
it’s been too long.. in a way, at this time, both if you should have moved o from the negative emotions.. You can initiate, but if you really dont want to, set a limit on until when you would wait before totally moving on
Surprised
November 4, 2016 at 4:21 am
Hello,
So I just found out me ex and girlfriend just broke up. We haven’t talked for months since we broke up. I tried contacting him after the no contact period and it didn’t work. He snapchatted me a couple weeks ago and I snap chatted him back. He lives a couple hours away from and the picture was of him somewhere in the city near me. It was in his story so I know he sent it to a bunch of other people. No response after I snapchatted him back. . I understood because he was with the girl and I know he takes loyalty in relationships very seriously. I check social media for updates on his life every now and then and I noticed he no longer has a relationship status up. I also noticed that he deleted the one picture he had with the other girl. I think it is pretty safe to conclude that they are no longer together. I saw this just this morning. I checked my emails tonight and saw that he requested me on LinkedIn… He deleted me everywhere after our breakup, Facebook and Instagram but no snapchat. I think it’s rather strange that he’s choosing to connect with me on this network. What does this mean? I accepted because it’s a professional network but I am very confused.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2016 at 12:48 am
Hi Surprised,
he may think it’s not as awkward to start with, but tread carefully. It’s ok to reconnect, but it’s not ok to be a rebound.
Gianna
October 26, 2016 at 4:04 pm
My name is Gianna and its been 4 months since the brekup. My ex left me for a girl that he has been friends with for years. We dated for 2 years. How can I get him back? Should I wait longer?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 3:50 pm
HI Gianna,
They’re still together now? And I’m assuming you haven’t talked to him for 4 months too. To be honest, there’s no guarantee that you will get him back, especially if the’re going strong. And during this 4 months, did you improve yourself?