Imagine a situation in which you notice your boyfriend is acting strange.
You know him well as you have been dating the guy for over a year. But in the last few weeks you have been getting these strange signals. Part of you just ignores it. You have been burned before by guys who broke up with you, just when you thought things were getting good. So part of you really don’t want to think about your boyfriend slipping out of your life.
So you tell yourself that you shouldn’t dwell on the negative. Perhaps your boyfriend is just going through a phase. After all, he can get moody and usually after a day or two, he snaps out of it.
There is this part of you that sometimes gets these panicky thoughts.
How can you stop your boyfriend from leaving you, if it comes to that, you wonder? But you quickly regain your senses, brushing away such silliness. You tell yourself to stop thinking this way. You know he loves you and nothing on god’s green earth is ever going to come between you and your boyfriend.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Fear of Losing Him Rises Up
But there is this other part of you that fears the worst.
It keeps bubbling up.
You know deep inside your boyfriend is acting different around you. He pulls away sooner when the two of you embrace. He seems to have a few too many excuses why he doesn’t want to do certain things with you.
As these thoughts pile up, you become even more concerned and fantasies of your boyfriend breaking up with you begin to dominate your mind.
You start creating these elaborate dramas, playing inside your mind, as a way to prepare yourself. You know it is probably not a good thing to do, but you do it anyway. You figure it helps to play out the different scenarios which could lead to a breakup. So long as you have some good answers, you can get things back on track with him, you think to yourself.
If you can see it before hand, just perhaps you can head it off as the pass.
Stopping your boyfriend from doing something that he may not even be thinking of doing, sounds a bit crazy, but it works on some level. After all, you are just bracing yourself, right?
Why must relationships be some complicated, you reflect to yourself!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHelp! I Think My Boyfriend is Going to Leave Me
But make no bones about it, you are worried that your boyfriend is going to leave you out in the cold.
You may even be petrified that he is going to leave you any minute now. The imaginary conversations of the mind you have with your boyfriend are starting to create more anxiety because it is happening too often.
The past experiences with guys have taught you that they can get twitchy and quiet when something is on their mind.
Former boyfriends also had the habit of just making themselves scarce, avoiding you when you tried to reach out. Or even when the two of you were together, you felt like you were really alone.
What is it like when you feel you are the one pushing to do things and plan things?
Not so good if the two of you were known to collaborate on you activities together.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizOnce again, you find yourself battling with whether your female intuition is a harbinger of a coming breakup or if it is just your imagination running amok.
In the past, when your boyfriends pulled away, you fought like mad to stop them from ending it. Sometimes you succeed, but more often it just muddied the waters, forestalling an eventual breakup.
You cried and begged and when that didn’t work out, you got angry and hurled insults and accusations. But you were younger then, less experienced and this time is probably different, you think.
But what if is was happening?
What would you do different this time around to stop your boyfriend from just ending it?
What could you do to keep things from even getting there?
How do you even know that you are doing something wrong that might be turning off your guy?
Whatever caused it (you reason), what is important is to prevent the relationship from collapsing. Right??
You are not going down without a fight, you think to yourself.
You have worked too hard to give up and deep inside your heart, you know that if your boyfriend does want to end things, he making a huge mistake. The two of you have worked hard as a couple at setting aside the petty fights. There has even been talk of longer term plans.
Yet, the feeling that your boyfriend may slip out of your life is taking its toll.
But what should you do?
Should you bring up the topic with him? Or should you tack in the opposite direction. Maybe you should just give him some room. The less pressure, the better, right?
What is one to do when they feel the magic of the relationship is just slowly slipping away?
How Do You Know If Your Boyfriend Is Slipping Away From You?
The little story I related above could be anyone’s tale.
Many of my clients have told me similar stories about how they just “felt it coming”.
They could tell, before it happened, that their boyfriend wanted out. Sometimes their guy would not come out and say they want to breakup, but they could sense his lack of enthusiasm about being with them.
It can feel like the air is being let out of the balloon when your boyfriend starts pulling away from your relationship. It is like the clouds before the storm. You can see it forming and it seems you can do little to stop it.
I liken this to what I call the Pre-Breakup Phase.
This is when all these little cues and signals you have been getting from you boyfriend starts to accumulate and that dreaded feeling of helplessness settles into your stomach.
Some people try to push it out of their mind. Yep, even in the world of boyfriend and girlfriend breakups, denial and self delusion is alive and well.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBut don’t beat yourself up if this has happened to you or is occurring right now. It is a normal reaction. When our heart is bonded closely to someone we love and care about a lot, it can be had for our rational brain to accept some of the telltale signs.
Is Your Boyfriend Trying To Escape?
So since we are on the subject, what are some of the signs or signals you might be seeing that can cue you in that your boyfriend is wanting to call an end to things?
Quite honestly, you can never be sure what is going on in your boyfriend’s brain because guys process things differently than women. They tend to hold things in more, so you can’t get confusing signals. And depending on the type of man you are with and their attachment style, there are any number of reasons for why you might misjudge their intentions.
But let’s assume your boyfriend is looking to escape the relationship. What are some of those behaviors that will give him away?
There are some cues you can look for that might just clue you in on what is going on in his mind.
Now as a disclaimer, just because your boyfriend behaves in some of the ways I describe below doesn’t necessarily mean he is on the verge of ending the relationship with you.
There could be other reasons for why his behavior is outside of the norm.
But let’s say, the dirty rotten scoundrel is wanting to dump you! What are the signs?
How Do You Know Your Boyfriend Wants Out?
More often than not, if your lover is acting out in a lot of the ways summarized below, then there is a good chance your boyfriend is trying to ease his way out of the relationship.
1.Your lover is no longer telling you how much he loves you.
Your guy, who use to tell you he loves you all the time to the extent you got those warm fuzzy feelings that every beloved girl should receive, is now seldom even uttering the words.
He goes from rushing up to you to say how much he misses and loves you to a demeanor in which he will only express his love for you if you tell him first. And even in these cases, your boyfriend’s effort comes off as sounding disingenuous and somewhat forced.
2. Your boyfriend seems nervous, even agitated around you.
The same guy who use to hug you warmly and tell you all about his day is now as quiet as a mouse. He clams up when you come a calling. He is no longer sharing things about what he is up to. He seems more aloof and when you make efforts to talk with him he generally wants to end the conversation and pivot into another direction.
Sometimes that pivot is him telling you he has to suddenly go somewhere. Yep, he gives himself away when he starts getting jumpy and impulsive. If you didn’t know better, you would think he was avoiding you.
Of course, that is exactly what he is up to. In a situation where a breakup is imminent, he will start to avoid eye contact.
Psychologically, he is trying to escape the burden of having to tell you that he wants to end things. So you end up getting this kind of crazy behavior. At least it seems odd at the time until you start putting it all together later during the aftermath of the split up.
3. Your guy is not Communicating.
It all seems like a fairy tale when you think about the past and how your man use to talk and talk and talk your ear off.
There was nothing that seemed off limits.
Conversation with your boyfriend just poured out naturally, interrupted with moments of intimacy and fun filled situations.
But that was then and this is now and you are wondering why your boyfriend can’t even take the time to respond to your text messages.
You wonder why he NEVER initiates the first call and seems to have an excuse, ready made, to explain why he doesn’t have time for you. It is a tell tale sign when the guy you are dating and have been seeing for a long times, suddenly in mid course of the relationship, starts ignoring you, your text messages, and your phone calls for hours and days at a time.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz4. Your Man starts to hint around things.
Do you ever get that feeling that your boyfriend is trying to tell you something, but he never gets around to laying it all out there?
If so, it could be because he is hiding something from you. Maybe his feelings are confused about you and he is not sure what he wants. Frankly, there are a lot of guys who just don’t have their stuff together.
They may be plagued with uncertainty about a great many things.
They may be afraid to make commitments and sometimes these behaviors can run deep at a psychological level.
There is this one kind of personality attachment style called “Avoidance”.
Some men have trouble with starting and sustaining relationships with women. Maybe they have been burned before by another girl and those painful memories sear at the back of their mind.
Sometimes, it is just in their makeup to avoid getting too serious because of some “fear” they are grappling with deep inside. Maybe the guy is just selfish and wants to keep all of his options open and so when the relationship looks like it is getting less interesting, they start looking to withdraw.
So when this kind of thing unfolds, you will usually get these unmistakable little signs where your boyfriend might talk about “taking a break” or “let’s just slow things down a bit” or “let’s not get ahead of ourselves” or “let’s just flow with things and see where it takes us”.
When you start picking up on these vague hints that he doesn’t want to get bogged down, then it is likely something is up.
What Can You Stop Your Boyfriend from Breaking Up With You?
Well, this is what everybody wants to know when they sense their boyfriend is pulling away. Many of my clients are looking for a recipe to get their guy to realize the stupidity of ending things with you. After all, you are a great catch. What possesses your boyfriend to screw everything up that you both worked so hard to create.
I guess I am not your ordinary relationship coach. More advice may go against the grain of what you might expect.
The first question you might want to ask yourself is “are you really sure you don’t want him to go through with it.”
Just maybe it is one of the best things that could ever have happened.
Maybe you don’t want to hear this line of reasoning and if you are getting annoyed with me, I understand.
But hear me out first.
Then we will get into those situations of boyfriends that might still be worth your effort to try and get back.
First, let’s talk about why you might be feeling the way you are. It is natural to stop someone from doing something that goes against your immediate wishes and desires.
If you and your boyfriend spent a good amount of time together then you guys have formed a lot of shared memories and created many moments that ties you together. If you have had sex with your boyfriend, then that bond of togetherness and connection is even more powerful.
We can call it love. I love that word!
But to be honest, we should also recognize that those feelings of love and attachment and connection are also driven by neurotransmitters in our brains. The release of dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin and a bunch of other chemicals our brain releases will have a profound effect on your when you are in love.
And when someone is about to take all that away from you, it is perfectly natural to fight it. Because after all, all of us who are in love are addicted in some ways to the one we are in love with. More precisely, we are addicted to those chemicals that spring forth when we are love and hug, share experiences, have brief intimate moments, and have long prolonged sex.
Just merely gazing into your boyfriend’s eyes can release a bunch of neurotransmitters of the brain.
So what is my point?
Essentially, beware of yourself. You will want to stop him from breaking up with you because you may feel desperately tied to him and your addiction for more of those wonderful moments that release the neurotransmitters. Your boyfriend may have been treating you like crap, exhibiting all kinds of controlling and semi abusive behaviors, but the pull of your addiction to these hormones can unduly influence how your view and process things.
Remember. Your boyfriend (or soon to be ex boyfriend) is not the only one that you can meet and fall in love with.
If things don’t work out in the long run, don’t forget that the emotion of feeling like you desperately need him back in your life will subside and if you do many of the things I talk about in this website, you will be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.
Anyway, what can you do to stop him from call it quits on the relationship?
What can you do to convince your boyfriend he is making a huge mistake by breaking off the romance with you?
What can you do to make your boyfriend realize he is really blowing it if he let’s you go?
The Solution is elegant and sublime. And I will break it down for you by steps.
1. Don’t stop your boyfriend from Breaking up with you.
He is going to expect that you will put up a lot of resistance. That is one of his fears. That is why he has been avoiding you and acting weird around you.
So don’t play into his fears. Tack the opposite way. It conveys to him that you are not wholly dependent on him, which unconsciously will make him more attracted to you. Remember, all boyfriends want that which they can’t have. In the beginning, before you agreed to being a couple of sorts, you were single.
He was single.
Only later as things evolved, did you mutually agree to be a couple.
If he wants to break that bond, fine.
Later he will have some explaining to do if he truly wants you back. So give him some rope. He is likely to later get tied up in knots wishing he had not let you go. Sure, you will want to know and understand what your boyfriend’s reasoning was for ending it. But don’t dwell on the detail. It is unlikely you will get the full truth at that time as to why he wants to split up.
2. Keep your emotions out of it.
Your boyfriend started all this, not you.
You didn’t want to end things.
It is his idea and he precipitated the whole discussion about you each going your on way.
Don’t be bitter.
Don’t be angry.
I know that is a big ask, but to the extent you can keep your emotions out of it (and you will be filled to the brim with lots of conflicted feelings), you will be better off in the long run. The ideas is not trying to beg and plea for him to give the relationship another try.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThat seldom works and it ends up making you look weak and powerless.
That is not what you are shooting for. If he is going to push for this breakup, then give it to him and walk away with your pride and self respect fully intact.
Time is a big arbitrator when it comes to settling things. In time, you will gain more perspective as to what you want.
Eventually, your boyfriend will have his own wake up call, maybe even realizing he made a foolish decision.
3. Begin the No Contact Period.
From here on out, your boyfriend is going to get to know the new you.
But he is going to have to work at it.
What do I mean by that?
Well, quite frankly, most guys when they break up with their girlfriends expect their former lover to miss them. They are expecting to hear from you and may check in with you to see how you are doing.
Don’t give them the luxury of fulfilling that wish. Boyfriends never realize how much they will miss their girlfriends until much later. Then it will hit them like a pile of bricks assuming it was not some kind of terrible dysfunctional relationship.
Every guy is different, so it is hard to predict their exact behavior. But if the parting of ways went smoothly (you behaved like a pro) and the prior relationship with him had its share of really good times, then they will have a little hunger inside them that will awaken after days later.
There thoughts will gravitate back to you and they will want to check in with you.
They will probably Facebook stalk you.
But you are not going to fall for that.
So No Contact is just what it sounds like.
You are not going to be initiating any communications with your former lover, nor will you be responding to any of your boyfriend’s efforts to check up on you. All of this will cause them to want you more.
But more importantly, it will allow you time to become the Ungettable Girl.
4. Become the Ungettable Girl.
You are going to be using the No Contact period as an opportunity to heal and grow and play and feel beautiful. Essentially you want to make yourself into the best version of YOU that ever existed. This will make you even more attractive and desirable to your ex boyfriend.
You may even discover you don’t want him back.
Look, there is so much more we can talk about today, but let’s agree we will end it here. I encourage you to read the hundreds of posts I provide to my audience. If you want to really dive into the details of how to best position yourself to get your ex back, then check out some of my E books.
And please, don’t fall into the trap of trying to talk your boyfriend out of breaking up with you if he springs the awful news on you.
If he is really serious about it, then it is probably best to let the breakup run its course. The gravity of his behavior is already in motion. It is very unlikely you will be able to change his mind. And if somehow you get him to look at things differently, he may resent you later and the two of you could be plagued by a series of breakup and get back together moments.
Sometimes it is best to give people what they think they want.
You might believe they are making a mistake. But allow them to fail and learn. In the meantime, you too may learn something about yourself and your boyfriend. And with that knowledge, you will be better served to choose the correct path going forward.
Nicole Archambeau
February 18, 2021 at 8:06 am
Boy my problem is rather unique. My boyfriend and I dont live together after 4 years, but he lives upstairs and I’m right below him. Works out great during arguments. BUT on Valentine’s day he went on and on how this was my day and he wanted to show how much he appreciated me. However he has never bought me a Christmas gift or a valentine’s gift before. So I was excited. He said he didnt want anything. I had already got him something. Well on valentine’s day I give him his gifts a bluetooth adapter for his car, AND A really cheap 49ers watch. Which I told him it was not to wear, but incorporate into his sports action figures. So..I go home and start getting ready.bTHE NEXT THIN YOU KNOW HES TEXTING ME ABOUT HOW CHEAP MY GIFTS WERE.ALL HELL BROKE LOSS. APPARENTLY I’m only allowed to buy him expensive gifts. He gave me back my presents and called me every name in the book. All this through text. He was trying to break up by texting me. 4 fn years and hes texting me. I LIVE DOWNSTAIRS.! ANYWAYS MY QUESTION IS HOW DO I GIVE HIM SPACE IF HE LIVES RIGHT UPSTAIRS?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 18, 2021 at 3:58 pm
Hi Nicole, you follow a no contact rule as normal, and if you pass him in or out of your building you be civil and say hello otherwise just carry on with your day.
Pooja
September 18, 2019 at 9:26 pm
Me and my boyfriend had a loving relationship of one year and half.In the beginning he loved me and cared for me a lot and I too.Even he waited 6 months for meeting with me.He He always texts me although he was too busy so that I didn’t feel hurt.Like every guy he wants to have physical and he often tolds me but I refuse to him as I think it should not be happened b4 mrg but he makes me understand that if we love and trust each other and we’ll marry each other so what is the problem to do it then he finally convinced me and we meet after 6 months of online dating and we had physical in our first meet.Everything was working smoothly we feel like we are in love with each other more and more then we meet for 2nd time and it was the last time we saw each other.After that meeting he always says he is busy with his family work and study tours and placements but always told that he loves me and we’ll meet soon but time passed away but he never came to see me.we had studied in the same city but due to his family work and his health issues he live in the city less time but after then when he comes to city from his home he always spends time with his friends University study. At first I think yeah he should focus on his study because he needs job soon..He always told me that once he gets job he will marry me.As like this time passes his behavior changed day to day he starts angry with me when I told him why he could not find time for me but find it for friends and meet his friends but why he didn’t want to see me..I handle such a situation very badly as we had in committed relationship and there was lot of other problem ND pressure on me.Then gets job from out of the city nd told me that he have to go nd he would come surly to meet with me b4 he leaves the city but he hadn’t come.After joined the job he rarely texts me.Then once a day I got to know that he had came to that city where we studied but he didn’t told me about that then I get angry at him and we had a bad fight.I ask him why he avoiding me don’t want to see me as he had came to the same city then he told me he didn’t visit to that city then I get very upset and shouted on him through text that he should not lie to me as I was his girlfriend then he blocked me and since that day I send him countless texts even call him often but he blocked me on his phone too and then I messaged him on FB then he rarely texts me..As the process continues I get sick very much and feel like I am completely broken inside.Then my friend cl him ND wants to told about me to him then he shouted on her and misbehaved.. After that I called him and I cried a lot asked him why he was doing this all nd told that hw much I love him and also I make him convince to unblock me then he finally unblock me nd we started talking small after a very long time and in that time he told me he can’t marry with me because of our cast difference so it would be better for me to not keep any hope for future with him..I wondered what happened to him and at that moment I couldn’t blv that is he the same person who deeply loves me and always told me that wht will be the situation doesn’t matter he will be there for me always..Then after some days he again blocked me but I called him again nd ask him did he blocked me again then he unblocked me and then evrytime when I asked him when will we meet each other he avoiding that topic.He is very busy with his official working now..once I asked him again for meeting so he told me that he will come this December to join his office in our city then we will meet sure.. but after that when I told him I missed him so much when he will come when we will meet he avoiding it all..and now he blocked me again..I just can’t imagine what wrong with him I can’t understand whether he loves me or he cheated on me? I m in a very panic situation and lost my feelings knowledge all.sometimes I make myself understand that he still loves me and he will come to see me and I will get my love back..other time I feel like he cheated on me and used me only for his favor and want nd I feel like it was my biggest fault that I allow him to have physical with me b4 marriage and if he don’t accept me now then my life will get spoiled..I am very upset with this situation and feeling suicidal..I can’t sleep eat even I can’t talk with anyone with my family frnds etc.i feel like I was raped my life get spoiled..plz suggest me how can I get him back otherwise my life will be destroyed plz help
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 19, 2019 at 9:19 am
Hi Pooja, so you need to apply No Contact first and work on getting over the upset of the breakup. Its hard but you need to use no contact to work on being happy again, before you reach out to him and start the texting phase
Sarah
May 30, 2019 at 9:52 pm
Hello,
My boyfriend and I have dated for 2.5 years. We broke up once after 6/7 months for a month and a half because he didn’t care about me and I was sick of it. He came to me 1.5 months later and apologized for everything, begged for me back and fixed everything. He’s been a perfect boyfriend for most of the entire time. We get in fights but they’re rare and we always make it through them. We’ve even done 3 months of long distance and we barely could speak the entire time Bc of army. Anyway, I had a breakdown two months ago and thought I didn’t want to be in the relationship. We see each other every day and spend every night together. Anytime I tried to talk to talk about my frustrations he didn’t have time Bc he was finishing his thesis and so all the problems boiled up and I basically lost it and we fought every day for three weeks. Finally we decided to take a break but then opted to try one more time before taking a break. At this time I realized all my mistakes and how badly I wanted things to work. We were good for a week but Bc we hadn’t actually discussed our frustrations we got into a HUGE fight and decided to take a 3 week no contact break. We had to contact a lot the first week Bc of school but After haven’t spoken at all. He basically told me he just doesn’t see it working but doesn’t want to break up if it can be fixed and just needs to think about a lot of things. I think it can be fixed easily since we’ve finally talked about our issues and have promised to do things different. We meet in a week and a half and I’m positive he’s gonna side on breaking up. But I really would like to do anything to prevent that. My plan is to tell him basically that I want to try Bc if X,Y,Z but if he does not want to I 100% respect that and want the best for him and hopes he has a wonderful life. I truly want things to be fixed though…
Opeyemi
March 20, 2019 at 7:22 am
Hi so me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years basically the first 2 years was great but the last on year we’ve been having different issues basically it’s his not ready to have a committed relationship and I want a relationship so anything we have issues my boyfriends keep breaking up.. because I dont want a breakup I talk him into having us work out the problem and we get back together..one time we had a conversation abt if he can marry me and I can marry him and we both said yes…of recent we had another issue and during a heated argument he breaks up with me again I tried to talk him as usual but this times his adamant saying he wants to stop hurting me with the we break up make up cycle… I couldn’t handle it..I blocked him but later unblocked him.. and we got talking and decided to be friends to work on ourselves and only get back together when its time for marriage And he can give me full commitment.. the things is I still want my boyfriend to be my boyfriend i only agreed to the friendship thing cuz I dont want to loose him..I’m always scared if we break up I’ll lose him cause a lot of girls like him..please advice me
ini
March 3, 2019 at 3:07 pm
Pls I need an advice….I and my boyfriend have been togeda for 10 months n for d bats 2 months he’s been acting weird n distant all of a sudden does talk with me much, tries to spend less n less time with me n anytime I ask y he just says nothing so yday I jus walked up to him n sed i think we shud break up buh ion want it he was acting strange so I just wanted to see if he wud accept it n he did den i tld him immediately ion want it anymore and m not ready for a break up yet bcos I really do love him n av been begging him since yday buh he kept insisting tz wat I want so it’s fyn n all buh i still keep begging him(m jus seeing dis post so i started begging him n crying already b4 i see this post)bcos ion no aw to cope with the break up so I called his brother n he sed he wud talk to him n we also decided to meet this nyt to talk bout it again and I feel he wnt stil accept me buh m sooo scared ion want the break up I feel m going to recover the negative way if we break up n i love him soo much n he claims he loves me too ion no y he doesn’t want to tak me bak he said tz wat I want n i dnt want to
Eliza
October 24, 2018 at 10:40 pm
My boyfriend and I had only been together for a few months when I was raped. His initial reaction was anger about it happening, and to blame me for putting myself in a situation where it could happen. He thinks I could have got away if I just fought harder. I was very physically hurt by the person who did this, and ended up in hospital overnight, and then was admitted later for a week. My boyfriend never came to visit me. I wasn’t allowed to go home to my own place and stayed with my family to recover. During these 4 weeks we’ve messaged, but no visits and no phone calls. It’s been six weeks now since the attack, and since I’ve seen my boyfriend. Today I messaged and suggested getting together, and he told me via reply message that he’s not sure if he wants to continue seeing me. I’ve let him know that I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss it in person. Do you think there’s any chance of us working things out?
Chris Seiter
October 25, 2018 at 4:08 am
Hi Eliza!
I am so sorry you went thru such a horrible experience. Given your ex’s behavior and reaction and his lack of support, perhaps you should take more time to reflect on how he handled himself throughout this whole ordeal before you decide you wish to invest any more effort in working things out.
Narita
August 16, 2018 at 11:42 am
I’m going to see him tomorrow to discuss but I asked if he could give a hint whether it’s a bad news tomorrow. He says it’s a bad news at this point, no negative feeling for me but he can’t see himself to commit to this relationship and it’s not good for our futures. I feel sad as I would like to tell what I feel went wrong during our two weeks break – such as neediness, insecurity, lack of trust and discipline. So I feel I would like to tell these issues that I found out and propose changes to it and check in how we feel in few months, if it is still not feeling great then we break up. For me we tried if we did this. But if he is determined to break up tomorrow, I will agree but I’m not going to lie – I love him. I’m his longest relationship so far (two years five months) and he told me that he feel lucky to have a girlfriend like me and I’m the best girlfriend ever many times. He also said I know him so much but he can’t believe I know his thoughts as well. He got a new job three months ago but his salary was cut into half and he is struggling to adapt with the new job procedures. Plus he always hate the field he’s working at but at before this, he earned a lot but now he earns less. What should I do? Should I tell him what I found during the reflection time and propose for another chance or just agreeing to break up?
Chris Seiter
August 17, 2018 at 2:21 pm
Hi Narita….first of all, do you have a structured game plan you are following. If not, go to my website’s home page to learn more. I think you listen to what he says and tell him you truly regret he feels this way. Keep it short. Then initiate NC and follow my advice I discuss in my program.
Lucy
March 9, 2018 at 3:21 pm
Hi, Chris.
My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years (next month is our anniversary)
For the past couple of weeks my boyfriend has become distant, worse and worse each day. He makes excuses for not spending weekends with me, barely texts/calls me anymore. Last night was the worst. He would not sit beside me. I would ask him multiple times to cuddle on the couch and he didn’t even look at me. He’s my best friend so it felt like a punch to the gut, I was very confused.
He went to take a shower for a long time and locked the door which is bizarre. I have very bad anxiety and depression so this made me very nervous because it’s so normal for us to be close and laugh and watch movies and basically do everything together. I have chronic health problems involving regular hospital visits and he has always been there to support me, I’ve always seen him as a loving and caring person and now he’s just so mean and distant like he’s not the same person.
Taking all of this strange behavior into consideration, I had a gut feeling that I should check his phone so I did. He had been texting a girl for the past couple weeks. I’ve met her before, she’s younger, goes to college hours away and had dated one of his best friends in the past.
2 weeks ago she asked if we were still together, his answer was “Yes Sorta” and she said that he should just break up with me. My heart dropped to my stomach. Every wonderful memory we’ve ever had raced through my mind and I had a panic attack thinking we would never get it back. I wanted more than anything to shake him and wake him up demanding the truth.
She is in town for break and they had spent this past weekend together and did everything together that we would usually do (doing fun activities, grocery shopping etc)
I read on to their most recent conversation (last night) and he told her he was done with me but I kept coming around his house and she told him to tell me the truth that he didn’t see a future with me, there’s no longer a connection and his response was “that’s so hard” and that was the end of the conversation.
I looked on to a conversation with his sister and he told her how he was drunk one night and a good looking woman was hitting on him.
I’m so confused why he’s been acting this way recently. I thought he was the one for me, the answer to my prayers. We have a lot in common, we both play guitar, share the same humor, always cared for one another.
I’m terrified as hell, I’m not remotely prepared for any of this. Any help is appreciated
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 13, 2018 at 4:25 pm
Hi Lucy,
He’s in a grass is greener state with the other girl but you can still use the advice above.. If he breaks up, or he already has, accept it. Don’t beg and then start the nc rule.
hellen
January 18, 2018 at 11:35 am
hey, i need some advice. i have been in a relationship with my bf for 2years+. at the beginning of the relationship everything was great although he did say to me that although we are together, we may not have a future together, so this relationship will bound to end. at first, i just take in what he warned me and our relationship continued. however, 6 months into the relationship, he felt that we should end it then since we have no future either way. I was sad and angry, and because it was so sudden i did what i though would work, begged him not to break up with me. i was upset, because i know he wasnt wrong about the future but we were happy and i really dont get why is he so persistent with this ‘no future’ issue when at first, he doesnt give a damn about it. he broke up with me then and we got back together after a few hours, with him telling me he cant just leave the relationship and he wont be able to do this without me. he asked me to get back together and we did. i wont deny that after we got back the first time, things werent exactly in our favour. we had lots of fights and arguments, the relationship was becoming forceful and we did end up breaking up for the second time, which happened when we were having summer break. at that time he broke up with me for the second time, i was at my lowest point in my life and i repeated the same mistake i did. i begged him not to leave me until i became so tired and eventually told him that if a break up is really what he wants, then lets just break up. we did and i did what everyone advised me to do, to do no contact. i did and after few days of not hearing from him, he started texting me first, it was hard to completely do nc as we were both still studying, and we are still doing the same courses in uni. i limit every convo as much a i can, limiting only to responding exclusively to uni related topics only. after exactly two weeks since our break up, i had to go back to college life and whether i liked it or not, i have to face him as we all share the same group of friends. i did my best to look fine and not bothered by the break up and smile as natural as i can when i see him. the next day, my friends invited us for dinner and i wanted to back out cause i didnt want to see him. but i did anyway as one of my friend was leaving town the next day. after the dinner, he called me to walk next to him and kissed me. after that we talked for a bit and he asked me to give us another chance. we talked and talked and we both agreed to leave all the bad things behind and start new. we have been together ever since till now. however, he still occasionally reminds me about how we both do not have a future together. i get it. i really do. but the way i see it is that why do i have to leave a happy relationship i have with him right now for an unpredictable future that we both dont even know about? he kept repeating it over and over again about how we should end it and stuff but he still ask me to come over and gym together and i just dont get it. he proposed the idea that we should break up in a month time and i am speechless. i dont want to let him get his way again. his way of breaking up and then reconciling again and break up and reconcile again. i dont know what to do. i love him. i really do. he told me that he loves me too, but he kept saying we have no future and he wants to experience his single college life. if he wants to then why be with me in the first place? which future is he talking about? i never expect him to marry me either way, and even if we do marry each other, we are still too young to even plan about our future. please help me. i dont want to break up with him cause we are perfectly fine. and how do i knock some sense to him that he doesnt have to worry about our future for now, and why would he break a happy relationship? please please please help me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 20, 2018 at 1:16 am
Hi Hellen,
what is your purpose of getting back together with him?
hellen
January 18, 2018 at 8:19 am
hey, i need some advice. i have been in a relationship with my bf for 2years+. at the beginning of the relationship everything was great although he did say to me that although we are together, we may not have a future together so this relationship will bound to end. at first, i just take in what he warned me and our relationship continued. however, 6 months into the relationship, he felt that we should end it then since we have no future either way. I was sad and angry, and because it was so sudden i did what i though would work, begged him not to break up with me. i was upset, because i know he wasnt wrong about the future but we were happy and i really dont get why is he so persistent with this ‘no future’ issue when at first, he doesnt give a damn about it. he broke up with me then and we got back together after a few hours, with him telling me he cant just leave the relationship and he wont be able to do this without me. he asked me to get back together and we did. i wont deny that after we got back the first time, things werent exactly in our favour. we had lots of fights and arguments, the relationship was becoming forceful and we did end up breaking up for the second time, which happened when we were having summer break. at that time he broke up with me for the second time, i was at my lowest point in my life and i repeated the same mistake i did. i begged him not to leave me until i became so tired and eventually told him that if a break up is really what he wants, then lets just break up. we did and i did what everyone advised me to do, to do no contact. i did and after few days of not hearing from him, he started texting me first, it was hard to completely do nc as we were both still studying and we are still doing the same courses in uni. i limit every convo as much a i can, limiting only to responding exclusively to uni related topics only. after exactly two weeks since our break up, i had to go back to college life and whether i liked it or not, i have to face him as we all share the same group of friends. i did my best to look fine and not bothered by the break up and smile as natural as i can when i see him. the next day, my friends invited us for dinner and i wanted to back out cause i didnt want to see him. but i did anyway as one of my friend was leaving town the next day. after the dinner, he called me to walk next to him and kissed me. after that we talked for a bit and he asked me to give us another chance. we talked and talked and we both agreed to leave all the bad things behind and start new. we have been together ever since till now. however, he still occasionally reminds me about how we both do not have a future together. i get it. i really do. but the way i see it is that why do i have to leave a happy relationship i have with him right now for an unpredictable future that we both dont even know about? he kept repeating it over and over again about how we should end it and stuff but he still ask me to come over and gym together and i just dont get it. he proposed the idea that we should break up in a month time and i am speechless. i dont want to let him get his way again. his way of breaking up and then reconciling again and break up and reconcile again. i dont know what to do. i love him. i really do. he told me that he loves me too, but he kept saying we have no future and he wants to experience his single college life. if he wants to then why be with me in the first place? which future is he talking about? i never expect him to marry me either way, and even if we do marry each other, we are still too young to even plan about our future. please help me. i dont want to break up with him cause we are perfectly fine. and how do i knock some sense to him that he doesnt have to worry about our future for now, and why would he break a happy relationship? please please please help me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 20, 2018 at 1:16 am
Hi Hellen,
what is your purpose of getting back together with him?
AD
December 5, 2017 at 4:05 pm
I recently started dating a man who we have everything in common, we communicate extremely well, and everything is wonderful. We were friends for around 4 years before we started dating. Recently, he found out that he has to move for his career. Potentially, I could move as well, but he says he does not do long distance and now I feel like he is finding reasons to put a gap between us, to lessen the hurt. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2017 at 8:53 pm
Hi Ad,
try the no contact rule and check this one:
What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work
Lyn
November 16, 2017 at 6:53 am
Hi there, I have been with my boyfriend 3 1/2 years, he works away, just recently he stopped talking and told me that he couldn’t give me what I wanted or needed, then he said that he couldn’t come down to see me or pick up his stuff at moment as he working to many hours and he would prob fall asleep at wheel, I’m confused if he can’t give me wot I want or need why would he want to come and see me? I really don’t want to lose this guy if he ignoring me and not being in contact will the no contact thing work for me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 18, 2017 at 2:24 am
HI Lyn,
I think he’s telling the truth that he just can’t pick up his stuff right now because of work, not that he will not get them anymore later on.. It’s not a guarantee that it will work. It will just help increase your chances.
Kitty
September 14, 2017 at 11:53 am
Me and my boyfriend recently broke up. We were engaged for 2 years. We have a 1,5 year old together. We have been living apart for 6 months Before the breakup. After our Child was born we had many coflicts, thats why he moved. We had a lot of fights even when he had moved and i have a lot of trust issues, he cheated on me under the period we did live apart. I really thought that we would get married one day and get past all our problems but now we are broken up. I am on day 3 of the nc. Is there a chance i can get him back??
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 15, 2017 at 4:36 pm
Hi kitty,
Check this one:
How To Get Your Ex Back When You Have A Child With Them
Erin P.
August 2, 2017 at 5:19 am
Hello Amor,
The article left me with one main question: should I do some sort of nc/limited contact while still dating him? Is it good to give him a serious taste of missing you? And how much is right?
On the other hand, I know I was harsh and critical with my boyfriend and he didn’t deserve it. I need to fix that with him but he also said he wants space.
I’m on day 1 of nc, haven’t heard from him
Thank you
Erin P.
August 6, 2017 at 2:38 am
What if he hasn’t decided to break up yet, but he’s told me that he’s struggling with the possibility?
What’s an appropriate response if you know what to do differently in the future, but he has already shut down?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 9, 2017 at 11:38 am
Well, limited nc is not suited for that. You have to set a date to talk about the relationship, if he’s still undecided go full nc.. Dont convey that you’re just waiting, that would make him string you along more
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 4, 2017 at 5:38 pm
It depends on why. Most of the time limited nc is only for co-parents, co-business owners or workers or if you still live together
Ellie
July 27, 2017 at 7:31 pm
My boyfriend and I got back together in April after breaking up in January. Since then, things have been largely great, and we’ve maintained a steady, communicative relationship. Recently, I had to move as I lost my job and had to go cross-country back to my parents to save money while I looked for more work. It’s been about 3 weeks, and since then it’s been tough, with the whole long-distance and not knowing where our future is headed. Another thing- I used to be with his friend- until he dumped me unceremoniously and didn’t talk to me for months. Last week, my boyfriend randomly said it was a shame my ex and I hadn’t worked out as we have a lot in common, and today when I told him I missed him (my boyfriend, definitely not my ex), he joked that I shouldn’t miss him because it’s ‘just little old him’. I’m worried that he’s trying to create distance between us and I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be normal and not cling but I’m freaked out he’s going to end things because of the distance. What can I do?
Ellie
August 3, 2017 at 2:57 am
We did, but we’re not sure how long we’re going to be apart, it’ll depend on where I get a job and when. But we agreed not to make any rash decisions until we had a direction. We talk daily, but sometimes the uncertainty feels like t’s weighing heavy. How can I keep things steady and not freak him out?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 5, 2017 at 7:11 pm
Set a timeframe..have you talked about until when you’re going to find a job in your parents place? If you don’t get a job a this timeframe, what’s your next step?
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 30, 2017 at 4:50 pm
So you two didn’t talk on until when at most you would staying at your parents and what the new.routine.would.be when you’re there?
Adriana
May 18, 2017 at 6:58 pm
I read this article and it truly gave me the courage to stop persuading my ex-fiance to end our relationship. We had an unhealthy relationship. We were both unstable emotionally and mentally. It has been two days ago that he asked me to leave his house and to return the engagement ring. The way he ended everything has been rather cruel and very humiliating. I don’t have any friends i am very anti-social but at work my boss has been the biggest support along with my family. I spent the last three days crying to the point that yesterday i got one hour sleep and today i feel like a zombie at work. I know i made a lot of mistakes but the one thing that is true about this article is to be strong and let the break-up take its course. I already went through this before with my ex. We were together for almost 7 years and my current soon to be past relationship lasted over five years. I have humiliated myself beyond to to stop him from ending our relationship and this is the words thing that one can do. I decided to text him today and tell him that i understand his decision and i will move out this weekend.
My ex basically did the same thing and after 5 months of not talking at all he came looking for me at work but at that point it was too late because i was with somebody else. I am scared and i feel lonely but i truly believe that time heals everyone. All i can say is that i wish the best to everyone here who is going through a break up.
Hopeful
April 23, 2017 at 3:32 am
Before my now ex broke up with me, he pushed for us to take a break (about a month and a half before the break up). I freaked out because no one I had dated suggested a break before and said we needed to wait until we were both less emotional before making a major decision about our relationship, as we had just had a big argument. When he came over to break up with me, I tried suggesting a break. He said it wouldn’t help.
We’ve been broken up for almost a month and a week. I’m trying NC for the third time after failing the other two and am almost done with day twelve. I’ve been posting about when I go out with friends to try and seem active since he knows I’m introverted. However, I’m worried with how clingy I was in the last few months of our relationship (due to the classic “I felt him pulling away and pushed harder”) coupled with my inability to complete NC the first few times (I reached out to him) that all he’ll remember is my clingy behavior and he won’t even miss me. I have been trying my hardest to stay positive, but am having health issues on top of this that have been going on for a while, and it’s been feeling increasingly difficult to be positive. I don’t know what to do beyond trying to finish NC and improve on myself. I’m scared I damaged things too much and he won’t want to open up to me emotionally again.
Hopeful
April 24, 2017 at 6:51 pm
Thank you. I really needed this.
I was also wondering if you’d have any advice on something else that’s kind of related to this breakup. My ex boyfriend was my main support with the health issues I have, and now that I can’t reach out to him about those things I’ve been having difficulty coping. I try to reach out to my friends, but there’s only one I really feel comfortable talking about those things with.
Also, last week I went out with friends. The guy I’d carpooled with who I hadn’t met until that night asked me out to dinner after dropping me off, but I turned him down because it made me feel uncomfortable and it feels like I still need time to heal. At the same time, I feel guilty. Is that normal?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 29, 2017 at 8:36 pm
yep, it’s normal
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 24, 2017 at 6:35 pm
it’s ok to be afraid, it’s another thing to let it let it get to you.. be realistic.. if you’re more energized in going out alone, do that more and when you go out, be with fellow introverts
MS
February 24, 2017 at 11:27 am
Met a wonderful man 4.5 months ago, we got on so well we couldn’t believe it was happening. Not a single thing went wrong between us, everything was like a fairy tale. The issue was that he only came to my country for 6 months, but we were so in love, we decided to be together nevertheless and fly to each other for a while and then if we worked out, I’d probably move to America to be with him. We’re both in our early 30’s, we’ve been through a lot in our lives, we know what we want. I have a child and he has a child, both children exactly the same age. Then one day our relationship took a 180 degree turn.. He received a phone call about his child, not a pleasant one. He was so overwhelmed that he wouldn’t talk to me or see me for the next 2 weeks. I didn’t know why until he finally told me. Then days later he just messaged me he was flying back to America the next day! I was devastated. We got robbed of the last few weeks together! But I wanted him to go, I understood his child was the priority, I’d do the same. He came round mine one last time the night before he left, he was so visibly confused, stressed out, but we still felt amazing together and had a sad, but still a lovely evening. He told me he loved me. We said we would figure things out.. He’s been gone a month now. Initially he would text 1-2 a day.. then less and less. I wasn’t pushing, I was reassuring him I was there for him. I said I would give him all the space he needs, or support him, or come over there. I’d do anything he wanted me to. He never replied to that message. Then there was a week long silence until I finally decided to message him again. He just said he was extremely stressed, couldn’t handle his situation right now (apart from the difficult child and ex partner situation, he also lost his job he came for in my country and had to go back to his old job, starting from the beginning basically). He still gave me no indication as to what I should do. I told him I understood and that I’m there for him. He never replied again. I tried again two days later.. it took him hours, but he replied saying that he didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and that he thinks I should move on because he’s just hurting me, he referred to me as “babe” in that message. I was heartbroken when I read it, but not shocked. I knew he was distancing himself for a while. I decided to ask him for a chat. He said he was at work, I asked him when he could talk, he said IDK… I offered the weekend, he never replied. I waited few more days and then just called him. For the 1st time since he’s been gone. The conversation didn’t bring any light onto what might happen next.. He said how he’s trying to figure his life out, I asked him if he wants me out of his life, he said IDK, I asked why he’s ignoring me, he said IDK, I just thought it would be easier for you if I don’t keep you hanging, I asked if he has feelings for me still and he said “Yes I do”, I reminded him that we always knew he was going back to his country and it wasn’t a problem, so we shouldn’t give up on our relationship now either, he couldn’t really answer it, kind of acknowledged it, but that’s it. I said I’m prepared to wait, give him space. I asked him if he would see me if I flew over to America for a few days, not now, but in a few weeks when he’s a bit better and he said he doesn’t know if he would see me.. Then he said he’ll think about it. We talked for 10 minutes, he made up an excuse he had to go and help someone, I knew it wasn’t true, but just said ok no worries. He said “I’ll message you”. It’s been 3 days now and he hasn’t. It’s OK as I’m not really expecting anything from him for at least a week. I will wait. But I worry 2-3 weeks may go by and I’ll hear nothing. The crazy thing is, we are both mature, when we are together things are perfect between us, we both said how we have never felt like this before. I know he loves me and I love him. He knows I can move to be with him so it’s not that we can’t change long distance into a normal relationship. It’s his stress making him act this way, but I just don’t want him to end something as beautiful as we have. I know he has problems, but us as a couple was the best thing that ever happened to both of us. I don’t know what to do. I won’t contact him now, but I worry about 2 scenarios: 1. he won’t contact me, 2. he will say I love you but we just can’t be together. How do I make him realise that we can and that his problems are not pushing me away as I still value him very much and I don’t think he’s a loser like perhaps he feels within himself now? I can’t force him to meet me, but regardless of what happens in the next few weeks, I just want to get on the plane and fly out there and call him saying “I’m here, please see me”. Of course he may not, but then I believe our love is too strong and he would. I’ve waited my whole life for him and I don’t want to let go. I know he feels the same way about me, he said it numerous times and his actions were saying it too.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 24, 2017 at 3:56 pm
Hi MS,
what about the advice above, are you ok to follow it? If he does say that, you have to face it. Either you do a no contact period or move on.
BETH
February 23, 2017 at 5:03 am
My ex and I have been broken up for 2 years and we dated 2 years. It was a healthy breakup and we went our separate ways until recently. We have hung out at least once or twice a week for the past 10 weeks. In the beginning he mentioned on working on getting back together and better communicating and I agreed. However, there hasn’t been much talk about our future. I’ll be out of the country for 3 months for work and I leave in 2 months. Not sure if that’s a factor. He mentioned what we would do when I leave and I said we would continue to speak. I’m coming back. Also, I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him or anyone until I was dating them. I’ve stuck to that. Everytime we see each other he tells me to let him know I got home safe and he’s always planning the next time to see each other. I want to ask him what he thinks about our future, but I don’t want to scare him off. He hasn’t made the effort to invite me to anything involving his friends. Is he even serious or just killing time? How do I go about it?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 23, 2017 at 8:56 pm
Hi Beth,
check this one:
How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You
Elizabeth
February 18, 2017 at 1:24 am
Hi Amor，
Thanks for your reply and suggestion. You are right that my husband is thinking i am an ex wife who can’t let go. I do want to reset his thought n show him the good me. I believe i have many things to offer. Or else，he would have proceeded with divorce a long time ago. So there must be something in me i can leverage on.
I just have one question regarding the minimal contact. I can reduce my messages with my husband. I only have one meetup with him once a week. This is something i treasure and want to keep. Could i still see him once a week (just a few hours only) as this is our parenting time which i greatly treasure for the past four years. Honestly once a week or sometimes once every two week is already very minimal for a family.
The thing i can alter is i can keep quiet during the meeting. In the past，i’d like to keep talking to express my views on different thing but my husband always want me to talk less. So if i can zip my mouth，this would immediately show him a change n create a mystery when i act so differently. Is this approach ok to replace the no meetup? Afterall we have to attend our child’s school activities together regularly.
Elizabeth
February 20, 2017 at 11:21 am
After the 45 days period is up，can i gradually talk about other things?
Now，when my husband calls me，i will ask him how his day was. I will also tell him how mine had been. I will show him my care for him. Can this part be kept? I will try to keep the conversation happy. Just do not go into relationship talk yet. Is this boundary fine?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 21, 2017 at 5:48 pm
After nc you can do that, but during nc you should avoid that too because you’re trying to establish that you are moving on, at the same time he will notice you are improving. If he asks about your, reply short and polite.. but don’t initiate small talk..
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 20, 2017 at 10:45 am
Hi Elizabeth,
of course you have something great in you. Yes, you can meet him but the talks should only be about the children. No feelings nor relationship talk..