So you regret breaking up with your ex, and you want to figure out how you can get them back.
Well, you’ve come to the right place because this article is your quick introduction to our tried-and-tested philosophy of getting an ex back. Our techniques are based on thousands of real-life success stories, so you’re about to learn exactly what patterns work in real life and how and when you can implement them.
Now I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the exact strategy for getting an ex back throughout my website and YouTube channel.
In fact, I recently updated our 24,000-word in-depth guide on how to get your boyfriend back that covers all the strategies I will mention today. You can always hop on to that guide if you still need details after going through this article.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow You Can Get Your Ex Back If You Regret Breaking Up With Him
Our ex recovery strategy has been revised and refined over the past ten years, but ultimately it all revolves around these three essential parts to the process:
- No contact rule period
- The value ladder
- The value chain
It’s perfectly normal if you don’t know what any of those mean at this stage; I’m going to break them down for you in order…
The No Contact Period
The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup.
The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.
So no contact includes not initiating any contact with your ex and not responding if they contact you either (unless it’s a legit emergency).
We usually recommend three time frames for a no-contact rule:
- a 21-day rule
- a 30-day rule
- a 45-day rule
Discussing exactly what timeframe works for your specific situation is out of the scope for this article, but feel free to go to our website Ex-Boyfriend Recovery and do your own research to figure that out.
One of the best things about our program and YouTube channel is that we get to interview lots of success stories of people who have gone through our program and gotten their exes back.
These interviews help us determine which strategies truly work in real life and which strategies sound good in theory but don’t always pan out. It also allows me to pick up on certain patterns that I may not have considered when I originally created the strategies I’m discussing today.
One of the most prominent findings that we’ve found has to do with the intent of the no-contact rule. Many people enter the no contact rule with the intent of making an ex miss them, which rarely works. There can be several reasons for this, such as how this intent prevents personal growth or encourages anxious attachment behavior that can drive exes further away.
So what do success stories do?
Successful people utilize the no contact rule to focus on themselves and outgrow their ex instead of desperately trying to make their ex miss them.
Think about it – the more you focus on yourself, the more attractive you become to your ex (and everyone else around you!)
So the most essential part of the no contact rule is the intent and mindset behind it.
Let’s say you’ve mastered a no-contact rule where you focused on yourself, and you still want your ex back; what next?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Value Ladder
The value ladder is all about building value via the four methods of communication that you will through as you advance through our process.
Here are the four methods of communication:
- Text-based communication: This includes direct text messages, iMessage, or use of any other instant messaging apps such as WhatsApp, Facebook messenger, or Instagram DMs, etc.
- Phone call-based communication: This includes any conversation you have using your phone or the internet, such as direct phone calls or video chats, etc.
- In-person meet-up-based communication – This stage includes non-romantic meet-ups where you both spend time together in person. These meet-ups are not considered dates, though.
- In-Person Romantic Based Communication – This is the next step of in-person communication – a date where romance is assumed.
These steps seem pretty logical as each step involves more contact and exposure.
The key to a successful value ladder is to follow the method and build value on each step before moving up. Sometimes people get over-confident and skip steps in the middle, and then it just becomes awkward. Imagine skipping the meet-up stage and going directly to a romantic meet-up when you both were clearly not ready to physically react around each other.
So think of the value ladder as a literal ladder – you’re not allowed to move on to the next rung of the ladder until you build sufficient value on your current rung.
Trying to skip steps or rush steps almost never works out, so trust us when we say that you need to take your time working on each step before you advance.
Sometimes this might mean texting back and forth for a month before your first phone call, then another month of building value over phone calls and video calls, followed by a few casual meet-ups, so you’re well-acquainted with each other before advancing to the romantic meet-up stage!
Now here’s the beautiful part about this strategy: if you’re able to successfully climb the ladder in the way I’m suggesting, it’s almost guaranteed that your ex is very interested in you. How?
Well, if your ex is willing to let you climb that ladder and access more of their life, they’re certainly warming up to you.
Now that you know the four methods of communication let’s move on to the actual content of the conversations that helps you build value on each step of the value ladder.
The Value Chain
Where the value ladder is all about building value through the methods of communication, the value chain is all about building value through the actual conversations.
Five specific conversations build up a value chain:
- Small Talk – The type of conversation that you can have with anyone. Non-controversial but also lacks depth, think of talking about the weather or recent sports events, etc.
- Telling Stories – Usually, you will only tell stories to colleagues, friends, and loved ones. You won’t be telling stories to strangers. There isn’t a lot of depth to stories, but there are cases where there can be if you’re clever.
- Sharing Opinions – You usually only share your opinions (in person) with friends and family who you know quite well. There are some cases where you can share your opinions online, but I don’t count these because you are usually hiding behind a keyboard.
- Virgin Ground – This is when you or your partner discuss something that you’ve or they’ve never told anyone before. It’s a sign that they trust you more than the average person.
- Sharing Feelings – “I love you,” “I miss you,” these are great examples of feelings being shared.
Okay, so you know about the 4 steps of the value ladder, and you know the 5 types of conversation of the value chain, now let’s put them together.
You should spread out each of the types of conversation as you ascend the ladder.
So when you’re in the texting phase, you typically have small talk or tell stories. Sometimes you may even advance to sharing opinions over text. However, you need to be at least at the phone call stage or really deep into the texting phase that you begin searching for that virgin ground.
The virgin ground is really the setting stage for how the rest of your ex recovery journey will go because I’ve never seen anyone get to the virgin ground stage and not get their ex back. It’s uncharted territory that unearths a new dimension to your conversations and relationship.
The Importance of Virgin Ground and How to Get There
As I’ve already said, I have never seen anyone reach virgin ground and not get their ex back because it’s such a huge milestone.
Why?
Well, when you’re harboring something internally that you have never told anyone else or only a handful of people, it’s super hard to pry it out of you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou need to have a lot of trust in someone to tell them something you’ve never told anyone before, so it’s the ultimate test of whether your relationship is ready for that next level. If your ex feels ready to share a secret with you, it’s a great sign that they’re on the cusp of getting back together with you.
But how do you build up enough trust to achieve virgin ground?
The biggest advice I can give you here is to stick to the basics – slowly ascending the value ladder and value chain simultaneously. If you try to jump around to rush to virgin ground without putting in the basic foundations of trust, you probably won’t get your ex to open up.
Another key to remember is that virgin ground and sharing feelings should NOT be done through text messages. Texts are the most impersonal method of communication, and you can’t always get your emotions across text, so it’s best to save these deeper communication types for higher levels of the value ladder.
Ideally, you’d breach virgin ground in person, but at a bare minimum, you can also do that over the phone after months of being in a long-distance situation. Also, if you’re months in, let your ex take the lead in breaking their virgin ground, and don’t push them into it.
Just because you feel ready to share something new with your ex doesn’t mean they feel ready too. So give your ex the time, respect, and space they need before they can share virgin ground or feelings with you.
Conclusion:
There are three tenants to getting an ex back if you regret breaking up with them:
- The no contact rule – a period of time where you ignore your ex and work on yourself.
- The value ladder – The 4 types of communication methods you must incrementally climb and build value on, including texting, calling, in-person meet up, and romantic in-person meet up.
- The value chain – The 5 types of conversations you must gradually weave into your value ladder steps, including small talk, telling stories, sharing opinions, virgin ground, and sharing feelings.
The biggest thing to remember on this ex-recovery journey is to take your time and trust the process! These steps WORK for real people and will work for you if you give them a fair shot! To learn more about these steps and scenarios associated with each one, read the complete guide on how to get your boyfriend back.
Ari
September 7, 2021 at 7:39 am
Hello,
ive know my ex for about a month and he suggested that we date. Since I really liked him I went along and after the two of dating I’ve noticed he started acting different, but I feel like I have him a reason due to my trust issues and overthinking that he’s cheating on me. He said that we should take things slow, because we rushed everything. I asked people for their opinion and one person told me he’s not the one and I was scared and broke up with him! I felt so bad, so the next day or so I messaged him asking if he wanted to work things out and he never replied to me. He continues to watch my snap chat stores though and it hurts because I miss him. Do you think he’ll ever come back? I feel like he found someone née
Jayne
May 16, 2021 at 6:36 am
Me and my ex were together for a total of 5 years and more. However, he had to leave the country to further his studies in Australia, that’s when we started our long distance relationship. We both really loved each other, until September 2020, i decided to break up with him because of the insecurity in me and i wasn’t in my right mind. I’ve blocked him for a month because i needed some time to calm down and think. In between Sept to December, he waited for me and asked if i’m willing to work it out with him, but i wasn’t sure back then, therefore i did not give him an answer. I started to feel the incompleteness in my heart on December/January 2021, i really want him back but i’ve no idea how to make it work. He had been ignoring me, telling me how he doesn’t feel anything anymore. Despite all those words, i still want him back and this time i’m very sure about the decision i’ve made that he’s the one. I don’t mind how long it takes, i’m willing to work it out. What should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 23, 2021 at 9:31 pm
Hi Jayne, so step one would be that you need to unblock him from all platforms and make sure that your social media shows you are doing great, happy living life, and then start reaching out after you have spent 21 days NC working on the information that Chris has in his articles about being ungettable
Marilyn
April 13, 2021 at 1:10 am
I was dating a guy for four months and started falling in love with him. I was scared because I have had men reject me in the past when I shared my feelings. I decided to confide in my best friend and I thought she would be supportive and give me advice on how to discuss my feelings with the guy. Instead she knew what buttons to push on my insecurities and ended up convincing me to break up with him. It turns out she was jealous and I didn’t catch on. After I broke it off I realized the mistake I made and I asked him for a second chance. He told me I hurt him and he thought I was stronger than being influenced by my friend. He then blocked me on everything. That was three months ago and he still hasn’t unblocked me. I also heard thru a mutual friend that he is back with an ex girlfriend he hadn’t dated in over a year. I was hoping he would come back eventually but now that he is dating an ex again I am thinking the chances are slim he will ever unblock me and come back. I have been miserable this whole time. I just want him back.
Alv
December 30, 2020 at 7:37 pm
I left my boyfriend for someone else that I met. My ex kept fighting for me for two months regardless of what I was doing.The guy I met played me and stopped Talking to me because I didn’t give him he wanted. I kept pushing my ex away because I felt like I didn’t deserve him anymore. Eventually, After 2 months of fighting for me I cleared my mind and told him I want to be back with him and said he doesn’t know because he started moving on and I didn’t give him a sign of wanting to get back with him. Right now he stopped talking to the other girl for me even though he didn’t want to. My ex doesn’t want to get back together right now because he is confused and hurt. He said there is still a chance of getting back together but not to get my hopes up. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 7:59 pm
Hi Alv, if you want your ex back then you are going to have to show that you are not involved with any other guys and understand that he is also hurt a little from your actions. Be patient with him and accept that right now he needs time to think if he can move passed this. All you can do in the mean time is be understanding and patient.
Michelle
October 1, 2020 at 7:44 pm
We had was is referred to as a whirlwind romance. We had a great connection, emotionally, spiritually and physically. We had great communication and I could be open with him. He was the sweetest, most caring man. An honest to God gentleman, but a man’s man. We gave each other much needed space to be and just live our lives. He made me feel so safe. Mind you, I have a lot of emotional trauma from childhood, my previous marriage, and a relationship with a narcissist, so I was always a bit wary. Wondering when the other shoe would drop. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year now to cope with these issues. One night I realized the depth of my feelings, and panicked. I called him to talk about it, but no answer, which is odd. My mind wondered “is he leaving me?” So I ended it before he could. After all the emotions died down, I knew I made a mistake. But he wasn’t trying to hear it. Said I made my decision then he went dark. The the emotional triggers were activated, and I went bat**** crazy trying to get him to talk to me, just give me, us another chance. Even went to his house unannounced. But I pushed him further away at that point. It’s been a month since it’s happened. I have used this time to reflect and talk to my therapist about the fear of rejection and intimacy. Currently working on rectifying this. I believe he is truly the one, and I want him back.
Marce
September 19, 2020 at 9:54 pm
I dated a guy for 2 months and he walked away, I tried no contact and he came back a year later….we spent the last month together, I spent 4 weekends at his place, we talked almost daily, he even asked what would I do if I got pregnant with his baby….I believe deep down he wants a familiy. But some days he also told me “don’t fall in love with me” as a “joke”. So, I was afraid he’d hurt me again and I walked away this time, I told him I didn’t want to avoid being in love. He was shocked but he told me he understood my decision and thanked me for the time we spent together, he also told me he hoped we both could find what we are looking for…and he sent me a final text letting me know that he will also keep “looking for” something. It’s been only 2 days and I regret walking away, I think I rushed it and should have spent more time with him. What should I do? Give him time or reach out before it’s too late?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 4, 2020 at 9:33 pm
Hi Marce, yes you need to complete a 30 day No Contact even though you are the one who walked away you need to experience this time apart to decide what it is you want for yourself, before trying to get him back
Janice
August 2, 2020 at 2:01 pm
I told my boyfriend I love him after 7 months of dating. He didn’t say anything back. He shows me he loves me in so many ways and is the most wonderful person I’ve known.
I let my insecurities get the best of me thinking he would never love me, coupled with advice from a friend, I broke up with him.
I broke this man’s heart. I told him I love him and showed him the exact opposite. It’s killing me. I know I made a mistake because everyone uses those words in different ways and at different tones.
I immediately felt so awful for what I did and feel like there’s no way he could forgive me for treating him this way.
Maggie
July 14, 2020 at 6:55 pm
My ex and I had been dating 4 years and I went to school in a different state so it was long distance most of the time. I broke up with him 2 months ago because this past year I had been having doubts and it seemed like we lost the connection when I was away but were happy again when we were together. I accepted a job in another state and he said he was willing to come with me but I knew he wouldnt have been happy there and he didnt have the financial ability to move and I wasnt sure I wanted him to move in with me yet. So I knew I had to break it off. Now I cant help feeling like i made the biggest mistake and at the time we had talked briefly about getting together again in the future but I’m afraid he’ll move on and I’ll miss my chance. I cant tell if its just the fears you discussed above but i miss him so much. Also I suspect he’s already in a new relationship with his girl best friend and I cant help but feel really hurt by that. Do you think that could just be a rebound and theres actually a chance we can get together again in the future? Is no contact really the best way for this situation?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 5, 2020 at 11:17 pm
Hey Maggie, yes No Contact is the best way forward it allows you some time to work on yourself and him some head space. Follow the program and you will see positive results and read articles about the being there method during your NC too
Neneh
July 12, 2020 at 4:00 pm
Hi! So I dated my ex briefly and he was intense and in love and I got scared and ran away from this kind, loving guy who has a brilliant vocabulary (which is one of the things I loved about him). So now it’s a year later and I don’t know if he’s even available but I want to reach out. How do I assure him that I won’t disappear again?!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 13, 2020 at 4:29 pm
Hey Neneh, you are getting ahead of yourself at this point, you need to reach out and start rebuilding your connection, and also find out if he is even available to be with in that way
Carloe
July 1, 2020 at 3:41 am
I broke up with him March But from then till may we communicated on and off(Never implemented the NC)
I couldn’t resist talking to him cause we missed eachother but he would get emotional about not being togather I would try to stop him from thinking about it too Usually he would just calm down and try again but in may he told me since I couldn’t give him a relationship he wasnt going to ask for anything from me anymore that he would find someone else …eventually in may he got into a relationship or had a “friend” as they call he would put her in his social media and everything I think he felt he won the break up idk but it ended around June or I think it has so I tried the being there method We talked for two days they were ok conversation But the third day it was very short he didn’t respond bck . Out of nowhere he responded to my Instagram story in a intimate way and I responded bck but got no answer the next day I texted him a nice curiosity text message saying “I had a dream about him “ he asked a questions about it then all of a sudden his mood changed cause I took a little longer to reply he told me didn’t care to know anymore and that why would I think of him when I said we were done and something about a guy he thinks I’m with He said I shouldn’t think about him I asked if he thought of me his response was “NO ..sorry what do I do should I do the NC for 21 days ? We have had fights during this time he’s kissed another woman during this time and now has told me he doesnt think of me I’m lost
Momogi
June 29, 2020 at 2:41 am
I was with him for 9 months, the first 5 months were us trying to get to know each other and then 4 months really in the relationship (1 month very intimate like going out almost everyday and the rest 3 months LDR). He has told me before that he doesnt do LDR and we know I will have to move to other city but he said he wanted to try LDR with me. I was insecure, I was afraid of this LDR so I was so defensive, sensitive, and reactive as time goes by, I noticed the littlest changes in him that actually meant nothing and took it as a sign that he is starting to lose interest, I didnt know either that he had some personal problems that made him confused and distant and I started to question his love for me. Then we bickered and I said I wanted a break and he said yes, 2 weeks after I called him again to get some clarity about our status, are we ending or are we still going but he said it’s better for us to just be friends, he said we match each other but the time is just not right (like we both are fresh grad and have our minds on finding a job), he also said that he doesnt want to us to be back as a couple as he is afraid that we will pretend that our relationship is just like it was. He also said that he loved me but I just didnt see it, he put his effort but I didnt see it, and I realized that indeed he loved me and he tried his best but I didnt see it that’s why I regret it so much. Actually for 9 months we were fine, sometimes a little bicker every now and then but nothing that couldn’t be fixed, but I was to full of myself I wanted him to win me again by saying break but he was already tired of me and if only I didnt initiated the break, we would have been still fine. Right after the call I was dying to beg him to come back, and I talked to his friend (a girl) who he had always come to when he needed some advices. I read and talked to a few friends and they say I should give him time before asking for another chance, I was about to stop myself from reaching out to me, but just A DAY after the real break up turned out the girl friend talked to him and said I wanna talk but I am scared and he said ok let’s talk and said better now or not at all… so I quickly sent him my very long messages about how I regret everything and I want to fix everything and want him back and I love him, but he said everything is too soon and he doesnt want us to still have the same problems and dont want us to get back together with terms and conditions. I was about to give him 3 weeks before reaching out to him, but because of that girl friend of him I was forced to talk it out just a day after the break up. What should I do, should I give him some time like a month then try to reach out to him in a friendly manner or just let him go?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 26, 2020 at 9:37 am
Hey Momogi, if you have not done so yet, you need to follow a full No Contact where you do not reach out or watch any social media activity. You spend that 30 days working on yourself and your holy trinity. You then can start your texting phase, which you can read articles to help you understand how to reach out to your ex and get him interested in talking to you. But make sure these conversations are not about your relationship, break up or any emotions at all
Allie
June 18, 2020 at 5:40 am
My ex and I broke up just less than a month ago. I thought it was mutual, but he clearly took it as me dumping him. We have always been best friends AND boyfriend/girlfriend, and I loved it that way. The past few months we were not able to see each other in person and lost a connection a bit which I do blame on myself. I got in my head and thought we should just be friends because we may want different things in the future, but i never had a conversation with him about any of that prior to breaking up with him. I realize now how unfair that was and within a week of the breakup I realized what a horrible mistake I had made. When I think about the future, I can genuinely only see it with him and I still have romantic feelings for him.
We still are in contact because we both wanted that and we plan to meet up in person next week. I have expressed to him how remorseful I am for the breakup and how much I would love to get back together. He was very confused at first, as he should be. After we have continued talking, he tells me that he is 100% open to the idea in the future, but he just is not ready right now. His family life is also very very messy right now and he is dealing with other personal issues so I understand where he is coming from. We still flirt and chat about all sorts of things – fun stuff and more serious stuff. I understand that it will take some time, but how do you think I should proceed with getting him back? I really do love him and want to be together. I need help.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 4, 2020 at 6:09 pm
Hey Allie, I would say its really your choice if you want try to get him back or not. Following this program starting with No Contact is going to give you, your best chance of getting him back
Leigh
June 9, 2020 at 5:44 pm
My ex and I were together for 2 and a half yrs. There was alot of drama in the relationship due to outside factors like toxic friends and family. We actually broke up almost a year ago but continued to talk and hook up until about 4 months ago when I started dating someone else. My ex was blindsided and I feel horrible. I broke things off with the new guy after a month and focused on myself. I woke up last week and realized how much I missed him and how much he loved me. I contacted him to say I was sorry for my actions. We continued to text and talk on and off for a week until I suggested meeting up. I find out he has a girlfriend of 3 months now. I am devastated and kicking myself for giving up my relationship with him when he really wanted to work on us. How do I get him back??
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 16, 2020 at 10:15 pm
Hi Leigh, you need to complete a 45 day No Contact from the last time you spoke with your ex and work on your Holy Trinity. Going from there you need to work on the being there method
Alexis
June 6, 2020 at 12:50 am
The relationship I had with him was long distance so we had our fair share of struggles. But we always talked about our issues whenever they came up. It got to a point where he was so busy with his job he couldn’t talk to me as often. So we ended up taking a break a month ago (he initiated it) . I ended up feeling insecure since worried that he was going to leave me and that I wouldn’t be able to handle it once it happened. I finally came to the conclusion after that month passed that I need to move on for things to be better for me and him. If I wanted to keep in contact with him I would need to break away from him and from my feelings. I told him how I felt and that we should see other people. His reaction was not what I was expecting, he said he had no idea that I had these feelings and he apologized profusely, he asked if we could still be friends and I told him of course but I’ll need time to clear my head. I asked him if he truly wanted to stay together to tell me. But he said he had no way to promise something like that given the situation he is in. I thought breaking up with him would have been a compromise that we could both agree on. I have dealt with break ups before but this is the first time I feel like its a mistake, I have no sense of relief at all and I miss him dearly. Though I should mention it hasn’t even been a week since it happened. Yet I feel worse everyday, I would love to try and fix things but I have no idea where or how to start. Or even if it’s even worth it to try again, my friends and family disapprove of the way he has dealt with me and they all believe I am much better off. I will say that their responses aided in my decision to break up with him. Now I worry I made that decision out of pressure when in reality I’m willing to try again, but if it’s unhealthy for me to go back to him because I feel distressed then I’m willing to let go even if it hurts. I just need some guidance to know whether or not I made the right choice. I have never felt like this before, this immediate regret without a feeling of relief
Selena
May 13, 2020 at 3:34 am
The relationship was good but he was really into his video games and at times would be on it while I was with him. I broke up with him because the night before he didn’t answer his phone because he was playing video games. I would have thought he would have called or texted me but he didn’t. So the next day he texted and called me and I was still upset and I told him why and told him I feel numb about things and he hung up on me. I texted him saying I was done and that was it. Since the breakup I have been working and focusing on myself. I do miss him but I also feel he didn’t put as much effort as I did in the relationship.
me
April 27, 2020 at 7:26 pm
We met a year ago and started the long distance relationship (different countries).For the last 2 months, just right after Valentine, he became so preoccupied at work and emotionally distant from me. I had difficulty in reaching him even over the weekends. He kept explaining that hewas just busy. Last week, i was at my low state as i had some problems at work and i needed him to talk. It was the time that i needed himthe most.I tried to call but he didnt reply or answer. It was Saturday night.I was so mad and sad, therefore i texted him on Sunday that i couldnt continue the relationship anymore as i felt so alone in it. He didnt reply. On Monday i regretted as i knew my words hurt him (and me),so i texted him that i would like us to discuss abt it heart to heart.He didnt reply and kept silent.Two days after i asked him abt some phone stuff and he answered. But then when i told him how sorry i was for hurting him, he didnt reply it again. I tried not to contact him but i felt so deeply hurted that i had said something bad to him.I started questioning again whether i was so not understanding him and was i being so needy. Two days ago i messaged him, asking him to callas i think we both need to talk, its been a week since i dumped him. As i predicted, he didnt call.Im not sure what i want. I love him and i want him back but i dont know how. Other part of me wants me to be happy too, wanna be loved as much as i loved. This part was dissappointed when he easily had let me go without fighting.
Sydney
March 24, 2020 at 2:06 pm
Hello, i started dating with guy back in high school my junior year, i broke up with him after 3 months but then gave him another chance, He then broke up with me 2 more times and slept with someone in that time but we got back together 4 years ago. Things were going well. He moved in with me and my dad about a year ago and at first things were really good. But recently he was on his phone a lot. He wouldn’t give me the attention i needed. He wouldn’t hold me, he wouldn’t compliment me , i tried to compromise about how he spent his time and he didn’t want to compromise so i asked him to move back down to his house. This was in January, Since then he would text me everyday but i would only say one word responses back. I felt like if i broke up with him it would fix the relationship and i felt like i had no other choice. I wanted to take things slow and i would hang out with him every couple of days, but some times i would feel really depressed after he left and i couldn’t figure out why. I kept asking myself if i was making the right decision. Recently it was hurting me more to talk to him hoping for something to give me a sign than it was if i didn’t text him so i told him i just straight up didn’t want to fix anything anymore. I was still hurt. We talked on and off and about a week ago he said he would have been bothered if he saw me out with someone else and then asked me to hangout with him which i couldn’t because i was doing things already. Two days went by and i texted him and he said another girl had messaged him and he was just having a conversation with her which he wanted to do with me but i would always fight with him. I asked him to talk and we saw each other and i broke down crying and apologized and said this wasn’t what i wanted after all and he said he has to get his mind right first and that he isn’t capable of making me happy. He doesn’t want to change to the point that he doesn’t know who he is. I since then tried to pour out my feelings to him because that is what i would want someone to do to be but it had just pushed him away. I miss him and all i want to do is talk to him and have him back in my life. I fought with him when i shouldn’t of and i played games because i thought it would change him. I feel like i am dying inside now and have no idea what to do.
Danielle
February 18, 2020 at 6:27 pm
I’m 24 and On the 31st January my Dad passed away, obviously I’ve been trying to deal with the grief but my boyfriend had distanced himself. On the 13th February my boyfriend was out and he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts (which he has never done before) and when he got home he was drunk and we argued because he told me “not to start” on the 14th he rang me after I said we needed to talk and we ended up breaking up due to him not wanting my younger sister to live with us (she’s 19 and my dad was her only parent and she’s off to uni in September so has no where to live) he said he felt a lot of pressure to look after her and said he felt like he was losing myself so I made the decision to leave ( we’ve been together 3 years and lived together 7 months) because i didn’t want to leave my younger sister and I didn’t want to put that pressure on him, a couple of hours later I rang him and said I didn’t want this and could we work something out and he told me “he had to think about it” which hurt me deeply as I was trying to explain Id sort something out with my sister but in the end he agreed it wouldn’t work so this hurt me even more. I packed all my stuff and sent him a message about how he’s broken my heart and I need him right now and that night I got a massive feeling of regret and tried ringing him and text him all my feelings and a plan of what we could do and could he please just talk to me?? I haven’t heard anything from him since but today he came into work to drop a package off that had been delivered to his house and he saw me and just walked away. This is my first long term relationship and I have so much stress right now and it’s killing me him not talking to me, it’s my dads funeral on Monday and I really want him there but he just won’t acknowledge my existence, I guess I just want some reassurance that we can get back to how we was and I just really want to know if he’s done with me forever and that’s why he’s ignoring me? I know he’s hurting too and that hurts me knowing I’ve done that, I’m just really at a loss and haven’t stopped crying for the past 5 days and would just love to know what to do please!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 22, 2020 at 5:50 pm
Hi Danielle, I am so sorry for your loss of your father and the way your ex has dealt with the situation with your sister too. The fact she is 19 and going to university soon and he couldnt see that being acceptable until September shows you how selfish and immature he really is. I would take some time to grieve your loss and let yourself build your strength and realise that you deserve someone much better and more supportive than your ex. Even if he was not ready to be somewhat of a guardian your sister is already an adult so it is not as if you were taking on a child full time. Focus on healing and getting over the trauma you’ve had to face <3
Kiara
February 9, 2020 at 12:23 am
I broke how with my partner of 12 years almost a year ago as we never saw each other and had busy schedules however he never made the effort to prioritise me when he did have spare time and would use this to. Meet with friends. He was heartbroken and begged me to go back to him and I refused as I couldn’t see a way forward however after 3 months I started to meet up with him. Weve been meeting up and dating again for 9 months now and it seems as though he enjoys this but is reluctant to become officially a couple again and says he is enjoying his life right now and is unsure. I don’t know if we will get back together but we get on so well I’m just utterly confused, please help and advise.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2020 at 9:26 am
Hi Kiara, he may just be being cautious as he was hurt the first time around. I suggest that if you want him in a relationship that you do not sleep with him until you are official a couple again. Giving him boyfriend privileges before you are officially a couple is going to put you in a friends with benefits situation.
Hayley
January 10, 2020 at 6:41 pm
Hi everyone, I have been separated for nearly 6 months now. I have done no contact and worked hard to become the ungettable girl. He never messages apart from one txt on Christmas Day. This situation is a result from me telling him to leave me because he had said previously thst he didn’t love me. We had a very one sided relationship. After 5 years I wanted to feel secure. He left and we agreed to be friends. Is it wrong that I still feel the urge to be with him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 13, 2020 at 11:46 pm
Hi Hayley, so we can not help who we do love. And if he doesn’t feel the same way that is painful for you to deal with. So as you have compelted NC have you started the texting phase? And have you started casually dating too? Meeting new people is going to help you feel better about what type of person you want to be in a relationship with, even though you want your ex there has to be things that you do not like about this guy. So list them and focus on that list when you feel that “urge” as you call it to be with him.