Today we’re going to talk about why exes always seem to come back after you stop chasing them.
This topic first came up in 2015 on the second episode of my very first podcast – ex-boyfriend recovery. I’ve been thinking about it and studying it for the past five years, so at this point, I have a deep vested personal interest and history in the process and psychology of why exes come back when you stop going after them.
The way my podcast worked was pretty simple – I would basically allow people to call in or leave voicemails asking me their questions about breakups. Then I would sort thru and find the most interesting voicemails and spend 20 minutes answering them. Finally, I’d give a detailed game plan of what they should be doing next.
Well, on our second episode ever, we got a voicemail from a woman who was basically saying,
“I tried to get my ex back and failed. I did the no contact rule and everything by the book and still failed. So then I just moved on with my life. I stopped chasing my ex, started working on my own business, and got successful with the business. After a year of doing this, my ex suddenly calls me up and wants to go on a date. Why?”
Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWill Your Ex Come Back If You Stop Chasing Him?
What I find really fascinating about this particular question isn’t the fact that this happened, but it’s the fact that this kept happening with a lot of our clients.
When we started doing success stories interviews we asked our success stories if they had experienced a similar internal mindset shift where they stopped caring about getting their exes back. They stopped putting in the effort and focused on themselves.
And when they did that, did they start to see results?
We started to see a pattern emerge:
It was often the people who could let go of their ex and stop chasing their ex who started seeing positive results.
Great – we knew that letting go of your ex was linked to re-engaging their interest. Now we just make everyone do that; it sounds simple right?
Driven By Fear
Unfortunately, we noticed that pretty much all of the people who came to our website interested in learning how to get their exes back almost always have an unhealthy obsession with their ex. They’re probably checking their phone 25 times a day, hoping to get a text from their ex.
They might even be spying on their ex’s social media accounts to ensure that they don’t miss any updates about their life.
Research actually suggests that getting over a breakup is the exact same feeling as trying to get over a drug addiction. Scientists took people who are going through breakups and started studying the effects of breakups on the brain.
They found that the same part of the brain that lights up when a drug addict goes through withdrawals is engaged when someone longs for their ex after a breakup. So it makes perfect sense that one would obsessively stalk their ex and desperately try to get back together, but that’s a huge mistake. Before we talk about why chasing after an ex is a mistake, let’s look at people’s biggest fear that drives them to do this.
People’s biggest fear driving obsessive mentalities after a breakup is that their ex will move on to someone new.
Breaking up with your ex is one thing, but potentially losing them forever to another person is a whole other kind of hurt. Most people will go through extreme lengths to keep tabs on their ex to make sure they have not moved on.
This fear of an ex replacing them makes people obsessively stalk their ex’s social media and sometimes even beg for their ex to take them back. None of that is a good look, and it will not work to get your ex back. If anything, it will probably just push your ex further away.
Why Is It A Bad Idea To Chase Your Ex?
Two main reasons.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz- It makes you look incredibly desperate
- It makes you look reactionary
Lets me expand.
Reason #1: It Makes You Look Incredibly Desperate
Studies have been done on playing hard to get as it’s one of the smartest dating techniques that you can use to not seem available.
This links back to the idea of scarcity – no one wants something that everyone has or everyone can easily get. On the other hand, think of events like Black Friday or Christmas sales, and you see that interaction with scarcity where people see great deals, and they do things like camping outside stores until they can get that scarce item. That fear of losing the scarce item drives people towards it.
So when you’re consistently chasing your ex, they’re going to see you as a desperate person they can have at any time they want, there’s no scarcity element pushing them to get back with you right now or in the foreseeable future. you need to present yourself as a scarce idea so your ex will want you again, which is why chasing after them is a bad idea.
Reason #2: It Makes You Look Reactionary
This reason isn’t as straightforward as the first one, but it’s one of the first things I tell people in my program – if you’re going to get your ex back, they cannot be your first priority. So what does this look like?
Let’s say your ex makes some post on Facebook about going out with friends, and you angrily text them about it.
When you react immediately after your ex does something, it doesn’t just make you look desperate but makes it seem like you don’t have your own life. Furthermore, it gives off the image that your existence is defined by the breakup, and this is why we believe that chasing your ex is a mistake.
Now let’s get to the big question:
Why Do Exes Come Back After You Stop Chasing Them?
We operated under the assumption that this phenomenon existed for years, but we couldn’t quite psychologically explain it. One of the things that we’re proud of on ex-boyfriend recovery is that we always try to find research or personal experience in the field to back up what we’re saying.
Research and solid proof always help because it’s not just enough for me to sit here and say, “Hey, stop chasing after your ex because it works.” If anyone asks me the reason, it cannot just be that we’ve seen it work for others; therefore, it will probably work for you. We really needed a scientific reason, and a couple of years ago I conducted an interview where it finally clicked…
Truly understanding why chasing after your ex is such a mistake and why results tend to come after you have given up trying to get them back is rooted in attachment theory.
If you’ve been around my website or my YouTube channel for a while, you’re probably getting tired of hearing about attachment theory.
However, I keep talking about it because it’s so valid for the entire ex-recovery process, and despite me talking about it so many times, some people still don’t fully understand its importance.
We know from research about our client base that most of our clients tend to have an anxious type of attachment style – they tend to be the ones to chase their exes, beg for them back and just act extremely needy and desperate. We also know that their exes tend to be avoidant by nature, meaning they will shut down or run away at any sign of emotional intimacy, often citing their belief that emotional intimacy will get in the way of their independence.
It’s easier for those avoidant exes to just drop it and run instead of “potentially” losing their independence, so you have these two clashing attachment styles. This is oftentimes the primary reason for breakups.
So why is it that after you’ve given up, after you’ve stopped chasing after your ex that you start to see results?
A lot of work we do tries to gradually nudge your attachment style more towards a secure attachment style.
Secure attachment style means having the fortitude and confidence that you will be okay after this breakup, and it’s okay if you don’t get your ex back. When you operate with that secure attachment mindset and talk to your ex, they subconsciously pick up on the subtle differences and want to figure out what’s changed about you. It creates curiosity and makes them intrigued enough to see you as a new person.
Then there’s the concept of secure attachment gravity.
The Secure Attachment Gravity
So there are 4 main attachment styles – secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful. We’ve already talked about secure, anxious, and avoidant. On the other hand, fearful attachment style is basically a combination of the worst aspects of anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles. I don’t really talk much about fearful attachment styles because only 7% of the population has one.
That’s not a lot, so generally speaking, your ex is not going to be the exception to the rule, but here’s the interesting thing when you’re looking at all four main attachment styles:
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSecure attachment styles act like gravity for all the other attachment styles – drawing people in and inspiring them to be more secure as well.
Let’s pretend that you have a secure attachment style and your ex has an avoidant attachment style. Just by being with you, your ex will begin to copy or mirror secure attachment traits. It’s like this gravity that pulls avoidant attachment more towards the secure attachment.
Unfortunately, most people don’t get the “riding off into the sunset with newly formed secure attachment styles” ending. We often find that the biggest challenge isn’t really getting an ex back; it’s keeping them once you get them back.
50% of our clients who get their ex back end up breaking up again.
Our working theory behind why that happens is that we help you develop a secure attachment style, but it doesn’t always stick.
Your secure attachment style pulls your ex in, but often when you get back into a relationship with them, you settle into old habits. So instead of holding onto the positive, secure attachment tendencies we teach, people start to regress back to their anxious attachment styles.
The more you go back towards an anxious attachment style, the more turned off your ex will be, especially if that’s why they broke up with you in the first place. Now the biggest sign of an anxious attachment style is chasing after your ex, so you need to stop doing that if you want to adopt a more secure attachment style.
Conclusion:
Chasing after an ex is never a good idea because it makes you look desperate and reactionary.
Instead, you should go the opposite direction and adopt a secure attachment style, so you don’t feel the need to chase after your ex.
Once you develop a secure attachment style, your ex will automatically be drawn to you.
John Carston
January 11, 2022 at 10:42 pm
I didn’t know that breakups affect the brain. My cousin mentioned to me last night that he is feeling lost because his girlfriend broke up with him and asked if I have any idea what is the best option to move on. Thanks to this informative article, I’ll be sure to tell him that consulting a trusted relationship breakup recovery coaching can help him get through the struggle and learn from them.
Berry
November 5, 2021 at 1:41 am
Hi
Me and my boyfriend of 1 year and half have been having horrible arguments. Through the whole duration he has taken 3 breaks. Our last break we took lasted a month. I begged him to come back and let us fix things, he did come back. But I had to move to a different state so we started long distance, it was going well the 2 months till he started being unavailable, he did create time when he could but I thought he was cheating and had moved on. He has a lot going on with work and personal issues.
I did argue a lot because I wanted him to make me a priority but he couldn’t do that. Since I complained a lot he called me and told me he wanted space and he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. (He says this all the time)
I am giving him his space, I know he loves me because he tells me but I don’t know if this time is going to work.
Lina
August 6, 2021 at 8:44 am
A guy asked me on a date and because I was then trying to arrange doing things together he freaked and started making excuses his work got busy. We texted for a good few months some ugly texts from me because he wasn’t replying to some of my texts again thus pushed him further away. He then said he was too busy to commit to a relationship again caused more fall outs. Strange thing was I met him through doing a job in my house a job he wasn’t payed to do and he continued to show up every month to help me out with an ongoing situation. I didn’t get this even given me the odd cuddle when he left. When he left I texted to say hi how’s things he would just ignore my text but always turned up to help me out when needed . I found this behaviour strange can you give me an idea to why his behaviour is like this? Is he still interested but waiting to see if I change my behaviour sending nasty texts and trying to arrange get together when he might be the one who wants to initiate things. I’m so confused by him.
Ann
December 25, 2020 at 4:24 am
I was with this guy for 3.5 years.
I have 3 kids that aren’t his.
We certainly had our ups and downs, he cheated 2 years ago after an argument.. I struggled to cope and decided to stay but it was always a mission in my head. I guess I started taking him for granted and started to make him jealous.
6months He started to hang with a friend he stopped seeing because of the cheating incident. Before that I felt that we were getting somewhere
We started getting very very toxic. I couldn’t stop kicking him out every time it got tough.
2 weeks ago, he didn’t come back. He went out slept with someone and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me and said he is never coming back. He said he has changed and he has made his decision.
I begged for 4days, I then started the no contact rule and on the 3rd day he messaged me. I waited 5hours to reply. He wanted something if mine that we used togetehr. I don’t know if he wanted it because why didn’t he take it or he noticed I wasn’t messaging anymore. The next day I saw him at the gym and left, he then messaged and said he would change gyms.
The following day I asked when he was going to grab it and I was ignored. When I asked why he was ignoring me 7hrs later he snapped. Then the following day he just rocked up to get it and it wasn’t pleasant to start with but ended with a goodbye cuddle.
It’s not been 2 weeks and I’m hurt confused and everything… can I get him back, he seems to be very adamant I’ll never be apart of his life again.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 7:35 pm
Hi Ann, it sounds as if you both need a break from each other at this point so I would say that you need to complete a 45 day no contact, but yes you could possible get your ex back. However, I would suggest that you consider if you are going to be able to leave the past in the past. Even internally that battle causes a negative impact on your relationships and makes you not trust them even when you tell yourself that you do. Work through your own issues caused by this relationship and the cheating then decide if you want him back or not.
MJ
November 30, 2020 at 11:20 pm
I met someone online a month ago and we instantly hit it off. He was clear I was the only girl he was dating. Our dates were all suggested by him and he pursued like crazy. I felt so confident. Then last week I told him about something I liked and he ordered it for me. I was so excited I started chasing him a bit (texting first and initiating plans). He cancelled on our last plan and I could feel his distance. I should have let him go in his cave but I asked him about it and he said he was overwhelmed by me (in a good way). Then a few days later I asked him if this was over and kind of attacked him. The next day he told me that he is having doubts but he can’t pinpoint it. I said that it is normal and maybe he isn’t ready for all of this but he shouldn’t throw this away. Chasing again – I realize. He said “let’s talk soon”. I told him not until he takes more space. I am doing no contact but if he contacts me should I respond or do the limited no contact? I do believe he is having doubts because I was taking the lead.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 23, 2020 at 6:26 pm
Hi MJ, no there is no reason for you to follow a limited no contact, you need to follow no contact properly if you want the program to work for you. Understand that the way you behaved after only a month is going to create an appearance that you are needy / insecure. You need to allow time for things to progress naturally for BOTH of you. While I understand we get excited about new relationships you need to allow that other person to develop their own feelings in their own time.
Sarah
October 17, 2020 at 8:02 pm
So my boyfriend got jealous over a guy who worked with me and started giving me the silent treatment. I literally chased trying to get him less insecure, he was on and off with his feelings, at times ignorant while at times he wanted to meet and do things together. I tried to get to know what he wanted, like to stay together or break up but he was like let’s wait for a while (there was something major coming on in my life, and he wanted to wait after that so that I am less stressed maybe). Time flew by, we talked on and off. Then D-Day came and I had to ask him again because he wouldn’t discuss on his own, and he was like we should break up. I was hurt but I kept calm and agreed with the break up. He said we should remain friends, I said okay and excused myself for being impulsive. He said that it was okay, and I left him on seen and disappeared. It’s been three weeks since I didn’t contact him at all, he didn’t as well, but he checks my facebook stories and stuff. It hurts and I really think we could have worked things together, but I have been hurt way too much to do anything more. I started working out more than usual to try and divert my mind.
Jazzy
August 21, 2020 at 2:59 am
So me and my boyfriend broke up before. We started dating in January of 2017 and we broke up in November of that year. He broke up with me because we argued a lot and he was just going through a rough patch with his family. He didn’t have a good bond with his mom and step dad and him and his step dad would constantly get into fights and sometimes the cops were called. Even though we were broken up we still texted a lot for 3 months but by the beginning of February of 2018 he cut me off and told me to move on and that he didn’t love me anymore and that we would never get back together. He began drinking and smoking and partying a lot after that. Well 3 months later…. the beginning of May… he dm me on Instagram asking about a specific post that I posted on my VSCO and he asked if it was about him. It said something like “ if a girl still wishes nothing but the best to you after you hurt her, trust me you lost a great girl” or something like that. And I told him that it was and then he apologized and told me that he still loved me but that he is a shitty person and that I deserved better. Well then I called him and told him that I still loved him and that I didn’t think he was shitty and that he was only human. Well we ended up talking all night and eventually we got back together and he said he missed me so much while we weren’t together and that was why he was drinking so much and when he really started heavy drinking he cut off contact with me because he didn’t want me to see him like that. We ended up dating for 2 more years and broke up a couple months ago for the same reason… we argued a lot… But we had such a strong connection and you could tell we loved each other a lot. We were literally the same person but in separate bodies. I was his mini him and we were just obsessed about each other even after the honeymoon stage was over. Again he told me to move on and that we wouldn’t get back together. But he never told me that he didn’t love me anymore. He’s partying so much again and he barely sleeps and I can just tell in his eyes that he’s not the same right now. I’m 33 days into the no contact rule and he still hasn’t contacted me and I still haven’t contacted him either because I’m not ready and since we dated for so long I feel that not enough time has passed. But idk what to do because he told me last break up that we wouldn’t get back together but we ended getting back together after 3 months from when we stopped talking. So idk what to do because he says that we’ll never get back together but yet he said that last time too and we did. We were together everyday and did everything together and there was just no separation between us. We never got bored of each other and everyday was an adventure. He told me so many times that I was the love of his life. He had his own apartment so I was always over there so it was like we were living with one another. We talked about getting married in a couple years and having kids as well. We literally were planning a future together. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should move on but not really move on. Or if I should should truly move on and give up on him. Like I said he told me we would never get Back together last time but we ended up getting back together. This is the second time we broke up so Idk if there is less of a chance for us. But he told my bestfriend that he’s not seeing anyone and that he doesn’t want a relationship right now. So maybe he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up and wait for him so that’s why he told me to move on? Or what. We did have an argument the night before we broke up. And he said he wanted to fix this and us. So I don’t know what to do. Maybe we just need time apart to reunite and have a fresh start but idk
Vicky Hancock
August 17, 2020 at 8:42 am
So we met online we chatted for 9 weeks then we met up a few times. He lives 2.5 hours away from me so that hasn’t helped.
I had recently come out of an abusive relationship and I had trust issues. He constantly text and called me.
Then my mum died I became angry and I kept deleting him walking away from him. He became very distant and I did. He then cancelled our last date after he had a weekend out so I assumed he had met someone else. He said he would call me before my mum’s funeral and didnt then cancelled on me. I said you need to ask yourself why you are not making an effort. I asked him for space and if I was still single after this time we would take it from there.
He messaged to say he should have made the effort and I deserve better. Then he continued to message me asking if I was out. He then messaged the next day and called me drunk on the Saturday night telling me he made a mistake.
I was off the rails by then and was very cool with him. He called me in the evening when I had been drinking and I never heard feom him again. I deleted him out of my phone and off FB. Before I did that I saw a post saying he was out for the night eating in a hotel so another women I assume.
I haven’t contacted him since.
Katie
August 15, 2020 at 9:03 am
He slept with his ex and lied and when I asked him out right he said “maybe, no he doesn’t think so”. Then in the pub in front of his mates he said to my friend “I fucked her and then went back to Katie (me)”.
I was angry and upset and a few days later when he messaged me and called me I ignored him and hung up on him.
A week later I got a bit drunk and messaged him, intact every time I got drunk I messaged him. and last weekend I turned up at his (I had been asked by his brother to walk his gf back). He told me to fuck off, that he doesn’t care about my feelings and I need to leave him alone. I ran out crying and have not spoken to him since.
He always looks at my Facebook story and I know for a fact he doesn’t look at many peoples.
I have messed up big time and I don’t know where to go from here.
I do think he said what he said to my friend to look good in front of his mates and because he was in the pub and she really had a go at him.
Kel
August 3, 2020 at 1:26 pm
Hi
Well I was in a relationship, we was together for over a year..we have had a few blow outs..but this time it’s done me…last week, he was unwell & distant..just ignoring my calls and texts..so he became better & we spoke..he invited me around to talk..while I was there..his mate phoned him up..and they was chatting..not at any stage did he tell his mate that I was there & that he would call him back, nothing..i decided that seeing as he was busy, that I would go..so got up to go..he put his legs out to stop me going..but I went..he didn’t come after me, no call no text..I’m so in love with this man, but god it hurts that he was so disrespectful towards me..I don’t know what to do..I’m in bits
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 5, 2020 at 11:56 pm
Hey Kel start following the program starting with No Contact
Mi Thin
July 15, 2020 at 8:05 am
We broke up in April and have been off and on since then.
One of the reasons for break up is that he has only had sex with me. So he said he didn’t want to date me until he can be loyal to me. He said he’ll come back after he can control himself
So we broke up. I’ve decided to stop contacts with him. I’ve blocked him on social media.
But I’ve been kinda hoping for him to regret and contact me. What do you think about our situation?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 15, 2020 at 9:16 pm
Hey Mi Thin, so I think his reason for not wanting to be exclusive is hurtful but he clearly thinks that there is better options out there for him, because if he loved you his number of partners would not matter to him! Work on yourself to become Ungettable and let him regret losing him while you follow the rules of No Contact
Louise
June 11, 2020 at 4:15 pm
I love reading your articles and lately have found them useful. So I took some time out from men as my ex destroyed me in so many ways. So I took a 4 year break only to then meet a complete idiot who was only looking for somewhere to stay over Xmas. So that ended after 3 months. Another year single I met a guy who was a contractor at our work. We got talking via fb, snapchat and eventually exchanged numbers. Our chats were fun & flirty, but I found he never really asked me much. I asked twice if he’d like to catch up with a coffee but was told “too busy” maybe next time. Messages then started to turn cold and blunt and the reply started to take longer. I told him I couldn’t handle his hot and coldness so would be best that we left it alone. Then something happened at work and contact was made again, but this time he was opening up and started ringing me. He seemed to be more interested. The messages became quite sexual and we’d be quite flirty on the phone. Any how his work finished at my place. We continued to talk so I ask if he fancies meeting up for a social distance hang out. I get “I’m not really interested, I switched off when you said I was blowing hot and cold” He then deleted me off snapchat, but continued to talk with me. Sending naughty pictures and still the occasional phone call. He literally then tells me he just wants to have sex with me can we at least do that. I kinda went along with it for a bit. But then realised what was I thinking. He just wants to use me and throw me away. After a week of chatting I just decided to remove him from Facebook, delete him from Snapchat (as we became friends on there again) and deleted his number.
Now this may sound really petty or childish to some but I’m very picky with men and don’t come across many nice ones. This guy gave me an instant attraction everything about him was what I wanted. I feel maybe I came on a little strong with him because I’ve not felt that in a really long time. I think I can openly admit I probably chased him, why I do not know because I’m a strong independent woman and I’m older then him. Unfortunately I’ve been nursing in A&E whilst covid has been going on for the last 11 weeks, so I’m not sure if I’m all crazy headed from that, or still from men (that maybe I’m really not ready to be with anyone or even talk) my ex really did do me a gooden.
I’m feeling gutted I’ve deleted him he blocked me on WhatsApp after he found out. I then just deleted my Facebook as I could feel myself getting a little crazy. This guy has just done me in really, I’ve spoken with a few guys over the years since my ex and that’s all it seems to be, we just talk and it’s the occasional FaceTime, they seem to say the write things so they get in my head and I’m left hanging there. I’ve never taken the steps to delete someone like I have this one and I can’t understand why I have as I have never felt an attraction like I did with him. But I left it with “I told you not to play games with me, I’m not here to feed your ego and I certainly don’t want a pen pal” then there was one last message to say “I apologise for being angry, but no hard feelings and I wish you happiness and peace” what the hell am I playing at. I feel like I’m a teenager. There’s been no reply and I don’t have his number now. Why am I here writing this? I have never felt the needed to contact an online chat forum? I can’t explain where I am in my head, I’m gutted we’re not talking, am I hoping my crazy shutting him off might kick him up the arse to pull his finger out, I don’t know maybe! Am I aware that I could of just blown it? Totally! I don’t know. Some insight would be grateful. Please.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 11, 2020 at 5:16 pm
Hey Louise, so sometimes we can get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new. You need to give yourself a break, you are working in a tough, strange environment. Especially in an a&e dept. To which I assume you are in the UK, and currently our social lives and mental stability is all under pressure. I think that this guy was not looking for a relationship based on his behavior it was more about casual. I think it is likely you will hear from him again but he knows right now you are going to need space and he is not going to give you what you are looking for right now. If you work on the Ungettable and the Holy Trinity that is mentioned on this website that you will be able to use social media to show you are doing amazing
Sam
May 29, 2020 at 3:03 am
Hello,
My ex an I broke up in the middle of April. Due to a few things he is going through. I ended up kicking him out my car (oops) in a stern way and told him I have nothing else more to say to him. He was hesitate to get out but he did, slowly and a bit sad. I did the no contact for about 37 days. He didn’t initiate any contact at all. I reached out an I had a positive response and he was calling me beautiful and asking how my job is going etc. bringing up a few old memories.
I reached out 3 days after that. Again, positive but he started to get a bit cheeky. I’m thinking flirting and maybe wanting one thing.
I msgd him the next day (yesterday) to tell him about my job promotion, as he was really supportive through my whole training. Again a positive reply, hello good looking, congratulations, I’m so happy for you. But then went back and replied to my previous msg from the night before about when he was being cheeky.
Now I feel confused and stuck and now want him to initiate contact. I feel like there’s mixed msgs but the last thing I want is for him to use me for one thing. Cos that 100% is not happening!
I’ve been loving your website and I literally read everything! Just stuck now on my next move.
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 7, 2020 at 9:04 pm
Hi Sam, you have reached out three times and got positive responses so I would suggest that you wait 3/4 days to see if he reaches out to you first. IF not then use another text style that Chris explains in his articles.
Alyssa B
May 28, 2020 at 7:21 pm
I dated a guy for about 3 weeks things were amazing really hitting it off, every time we hung out he kept mentioning moving the relationship further and then boom out of nowhere said he wasn’t ready, He didn’t think he could get me what I needed doesn’t want a relationship etc. I was cool about the situation and agreed to continue talking and seeing each other. The last time we saw each other he was completely cold and different. This obviously upset me and I freaked out and then tried to reset back to just hanging out. His reaction was Idk right now if we can see or hangout anymore. I sent him a snap chat and told him I missed his face and I hope he’s doing well, he never responded after reading the message. He is constantly looking at my social media and I don’t know what to do from here. Is it too late? Will he ever come back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 9, 2020 at 5:14 pm
Hey Alyssa, you can follow the program with the shortest version of No Contact but I would suggest that you do not have any conversations about making things offical until you have been dating for at least 3 months.
Lauren
May 25, 2020 at 4:30 pm
Thanks for this article. I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years and we are still together. We are separated in different countries at the moment due to the corona virus and we are struggling with the lack of communication (we can only text, voip is banned where he is). I have been chasing him to get a set time for us to spend together long distance but he always blows me off, I feel he ignores me and doesn’t make any effort to talk to me – only replies when I speak to him. I can tell he gets annoyed when I message him to spend time. What should I do when we are still in a relationship although I feel it’s on the rocks?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 29, 2020 at 11:17 pm
Hi Lauren if you are still together but feeling that there is a breakup looming or trying to avoid it. Be sure to be in emotional control when you are speaking with your ex, even when you are asking him to spend time, you need to try and make it about him suggesting it not you. Giving him some space, maybe even reading and following the information about limited no contact just to give him some time to come to you first.
Mary
May 15, 2020 at 10:37 pm
Hey, I found your post helpful. I’ve known this guy off & on for 7 years. We’ve always flirted but never had the right time or been with other people. Recently we’ve been texting a lot & talking about hooking up. We went from texting every day to complete silence. Sometimes he responds after a week and then silence again. I just don’t get it. He is a lawyer, so I know he’s really busy. I don’t like playing games & I worry that if I ignore his messages in response, he will just walk away. I don’t know how to do the whole no contact thing?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 20, 2020 at 3:55 pm
Hey Mary, I am so glad you found the article helpful! As for No Contact you need to not speak with your ex, not respond not reach out to your ex at all, not even on social media platforms for a solid 30 days or 45 depending on how much emotional time you need to work on yourself.
molly wilde
May 6, 2020 at 7:08 pm
Me & my boyfriend have been on and off for about 3 years. He has periods of just wanting to be relationship free and tells me that nows not the time to be together however within a couple of weeks he’ll be straight back in my texts asking me to go round. We had a break for about 3 months the first year we were together and I really had him chasing me .. i’ve kind of forgotton how and now i seem to be doing all the chasing. We broke up about 3 weeks ago now and we’ve been in contact. We’ve messaged a few times and usually he ends up saying how much he loves me and how we’ll be together eventually once hes had some space because i’m his soulmate. We also slept together the other day which I know we shouldn’t of but we can never stay away from eachother. I’ve been using this space away to improve myself as I lost a lot of confidence and it took a toll on the relationship. I have bounced back and feel amazing and I am so ready to give this relationship another shot as I feel this time it could be forever. What should I do? last time i texted him was today as I had to go and collect something from his house, i told him to leave it in the porch so I wouldnt see him. Do i start no contact now? Do you think he’ll come back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 12, 2020 at 2:18 pm
Hey Molly, yes you need to start your NC now and stick to it for 30 days solid. Then you need to make sure that you work up the value chain where you get your ex investing time in you not just jumping back into your old ways and habits. Do not give him boyfriend privileges, until you are in a relationship and have been back together for some time
Sarah
May 3, 2020 at 11:05 pm
Hey well in currently heartbroke 3 days ago my boyfriend of 6 months left. I’ve been so confused as everything has been pretty much perfect since we met however we had to spend lockdown together first few weeks were fine but maybe it was too much too soon and it seemed we were getting on each others nerves abit …anyway we ended up having out first silly argument but I reacted quite childish and told him to leave which he did …anyway we patched up after a few days and he came back but things were not 100 percent the same and I felt like he was off with me some days and this got worse he was acting really different when I spoke to him about what was bothering me he said he was sick of it all packed all his stuff and again left on his way out he said he was giving me space for a few days but I felt he had no intention of coming back he literally took everything. I didn’t hear from him until I reached out the following evening but he was really cold and distant in his messaging I left him but contacted him again hours later but he just didn’t seem to want to know this went on for 3 days …..since then he’s been on whatsapp constantly which makes me think there’s more to this than a silly argument it’s almost like he’s gone from being so in love and besotted with me to completely changing its like he’s a different person…..I contacted him 24 hours ago for the final time but not heard from him since this has really hit me hard as I honestly felt id finally met the one ……what can you suggest?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 12, 2020 at 11:15 am
Hey Sarah, as the advise is on this website to start this process it starts with a No Contact, which I suggest you do. Don’t explain to him or tell him you are doing a NC just go into it for 30 days. And work on your Holy Trinity during that time. The reach out with the texts that Chris suggests with your ex’s interests in mind
Melissa
March 8, 2020 at 10:09 pm
Hey guys!
Figured I’d leave a comment and see if I get a reply!
I dated this guy for 2 years. Kinda complicated only because I brought 3 kids in and he brought 2 kids in. First year was rough, broke up once for 3 weeks but got back together. That 2nd year was amazing. We hardly every fought or argued, and always had a good time. Then came a disagreement about the children and he stormed off and threw a major fit. We seemed to have worked it out, but he never wanted to actually have a conversation about it. He just dropped it. About a month later, marriage got brought up and he said he’d never marry again. (He is divorced, I never married. ) I was blown away because he knew it was something I always wanted, no matter the timing of it. I wasn’t in a rush. We argued on and off about it for about a month. Then one day when he was watching my children I questioned if he was treating them differently than his friends kids. He took that wrong and blew up again and said he never wanted to be around my kids again. He wouldn’t listen to what I was really trying to say. I said I wouldn’t be in a relationship like that and he said fine we’ll be friends.
We’ve been broken up for 6 months now. I did do no contact but didn’t do it until month 2. Talking occasionally on and off. Seeing each other on and off. The no contact didn’t do much. He never contacted me in those 30 days. Since then though, he’s been very hot and cold. One minute he’s asking to see me, the next he’s not. I do initiate every conversation. Only once or twice has he. We do still sleep together, I know I shouldn’t be.
I wrote him a letter about a week ago asking him if he feels the same way and wants to work things out. He still hasn’t said anything about it but I know he got it.
Anytime we hang out things feel normal and I can feel that he feels some sort of way. I just don’t know what to do now. Help, please!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 18, 2020 at 2:26 am
Hi Melissa, as you say he is hot and cold you need to take a small step back from spending time with him and start being social with friends and making him wonder if you are moving on from him. When you do meet put yourself in situations where you are increasing the romantic vibes and flirting more often
Nika
March 4, 2020 at 12:58 pm
My ex and I have broken up 6 months ago. He left me and said he was happy with me, but that he thinks I am not the one. It all happened out of the blue. We stayed in contact. For the first month I was the was who was initiating the contact and then stopped. After that he started checking in, commenting my whatsapp statuses, etc.
He started to contact me everyday. 2 days ago I started a conversation about our relationship again and it wasn’t successful. I can’t understand him. He says he would like to see me, but that we shouldn’t. Do you think if I cut off all the contact he will notice?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 7, 2020 at 8:17 pm
Hi Nika, you need to read or watch a video about the value chain and working up the value ladder. You do not ask your ex for a meet up so soon you need to build up your value through texting and phone calls first