I am ALLLLL about this subject.
When I first started writing for Ex Boyfriend Recovery, Chris asked me what subject matter I thought I would be best at writing about. I told him…
- the importance of using the No Contact Method correctly
- learning to re-love yourself
- and emotionally coping in the aftermath of a breakup
And here we are: An entire article where I get to talk about these things!
Are you excited?
I’m excited!
So let’s start with an overview of what you already know because, well, if you’re on this page right now, chances are you’re living through it right now.
After a breakup, our egos and self confidence take a huge hit. Rejection hurts. Even if we rationally know that the breakup may be a good idea, it sucks to have someone say “no thank you.” It’s an extremely personal rejection, and it feels horrible. You also may be having mixed feelings about the breakup itself and your actions right before and right after the split. That’s normal, too.
If you’re going through a breakup, chances are you are probably feeling pretty awful, no matter the reason. It is normal to want to get lost in your grief and suffering. And that’s okay, for a while. But, sooner or later you have to get back up on your feet and move the only way there is: forward.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow to Feel Better About Yourself
I know you are likely here because you want to get your ex back, but to do that, you have to put a lot of effort into yourself, first. The key to doing this is the No Contact rule. No Contact works in a few ways:
It helps you to come to a stable emotional place after emotions have been running high after a breakup.
The time and space away from your ex gives you a chance to reflect on the relationship and frequently plays a big part in making your ex miss you.
And, most importantly, No Contact gives you the wonderful opportunity to re-create yourself and become the person you want to be.
All of these combined will assist in your healing.
I know it feels counter-intuitive, but time and space away from your ex should be the first thing that you seek after a breakup… EVEN if you already know that you want him back.
Firstly, you need to be in a stable emotional place. If you just went through the breakup, chances are you are not. Feelings and emotions are all over the place after a breakup, and it is easy to say or do things that you will later regret. Perhaps you and your ex ended on bad terms, with lots of yelling and unkind words said. It is important to have a cool down period where you allow yourself to settle emotionally, give yourself time to reflect, and put energy into yourself.
Ex Boyfriend Recovery is a long, difficult journey (that is totally worth the effort). You will need to be emotionally strong. In your interactions with your ex, he will likely say and do things that will bother you, and you’ll have to have mastered the art of holding your tongue and responding in a Ungettable Girl manner.
If you are unsure about what an Ungettable Girl is, here are a few articles about becoming Ungettable.
- The Ungettable Girl
- The 6 Things That Are Keeping You From Being Ungettable
- How to Be Confident When You Feel Like Crap After a Breakup
The basic idea here is that you shouldn’t over-react. This time apart will provide you the opportunity to come down from your intense emotions after the breakup, and start learning how to logically think through things before responding emotionally.
No Contact also gives you time to step back and gain some perspective. During your No Contact period, the time away from your ex could help you to realize that although you care for him, maybe the match wasn’t such a good fit after all. Sometimes, we are so stuck on the idea of gaining back what we lost, that we don’t stop and think logically about what we deserve and if we were actually happy with that person.
This space and time away from your ex will help you to ask yourself some tough questions and in the process, the space away from your ex could get them to start to miss you.
Your ex will expect you to be weak and reach out after the breakup. The best thing you can do is remain strong and keep on with No Contact – it will surprise him, and over that period of time, you may surprise yourself.
Which brings me to the most important component of No Contact.
The best thing you can do during the No Contact period is to throw yourself into self-improvement.
This is where I see so many women go wrong in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery process. So many women continue to focus on their ex and make changes for their ex, rather than for themselves.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI’m going to tell you a hard truth, so brace yourself.
Ready?
At the end of the day, the only person you can trust, the only person you have, is yourself, even if you claim that you ex was “your other half” – a phrase I hate, by the way. You are you own damn person – you can never trust anyone 100%. It may sound cynical, but it’s just realistic.
Anyway, I digress.
The best thing you can do is to throw yourself into self-love activities. Focus on what we call The Holy Trinity of relationships:
- Health
- Wealth
- Relationships
After my breakup almost a year ago (wow!), I made a list of things I wanted to work on and accomplish. Then I broke them down into the categories. It looked a little bit like this:
- Health: Start a regular workout routine, focus on getting clearer skin, get a massage and get my nails done to pamper myself, begin cooking more at home to eat healthier.
- Wealth: Apply for a new job, move to a better place with more amenities that I wanted (shout out to my in-unit washer and dryer!).
- Relationships: Work on my friendships, be better at calling my family members on a more regular basis, and most importantly, work on loving myself.
Also… because I love lists, I made a separate one of things I should do whenever I started feeling sad. I saved it on my phone, and every time I felt a bit of sadness creep in, I would choose something to throw myself into one of these things:
- Write or journal
- Reach out to friends and family
- Meditate
- Do yoga
- Read something new on my reading list
- Clean
- Bake
- Practice one of the instruments I’m trying to learn
- Watch a Favorite TV Show (mine’s Buffy… shocker, I know)
- Take a class (baking, painting, pole dancing)
- Work out
- Volunteer somewhere
- Plan my dream get-away
- Go for a walk and spend time in nature
- Do a crafty DIY project
As you can see, I kept myself busy. Focusing on all of these different components did not JUST help me to stay distracted as I went through my No Contact period, it also helped me to learn to take care of and love myself again.
In my opinion, that’s the most important part of No Contact – learning how to feel better about yourself and working towards becoming a better person.
After a string of failed relationships in season 5, Buffy comes to the conclusion that maybe instead of focusing on being with a guy, she should focus on spending some time alone:
Xander: “Robots are the strangest people.”
Buffy: “No… people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It’s like… I don’t need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.”
Xander: “Well, I’ll say this, she’s a pretty cool person to be alone with.”
One of the biggest mistakes I see is women and men utilizing the No Contact period incorrectly.
I understand that it’s difficult to think about, but, heaven forbid, what if you don’t succeed in getting your ex back? You’ll have done none of the work to be a happier person, with or without them.
Working on yourself during No Contact works as a re-attraction phase, but more importantly than that, it helps you to be more comfortable in your skin. Whether or not you get your ex back, you have to spend the rest of your life with yourself. So you might as well make sure that you are going to like who you are when you get there.
It’s like I always say: If you get your ex back as a result of the actions you took over No Contact, great. But if not, you’ll be a better person for the next lucky man to enter your life, and more importantly, for yourself.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow to Feel Better About Your Actions and Decisions
During the period of time after a breakup, it is common to question your actions and decisions. Maybe your decisions leading up to the breakup weren’t the best ways to act according to Ex Recovery Guidelines. Here are some things that could have happened leading up that make you feel worse or feel like you could have prevented the breakup altogether:
- He started pulling away or rubber banding and you didn’t give him his space
- You started nagging or showing disinterest towards the end of your relationship
- You stopped caring about yourself and made him your world (not spending time on your own friends, goals, self care)
- You didn’t communicate effectively and avoided heavy topics
- Your sexual relationship was not prioritized.
- Or maybe you’re feeling pretty crummy about your actions or decisions after the breakup:
- You gnatted him (constant calls and texts)
- You begged and pleaded for him not to end it
- You slept with him post breakup
- You emotionally vomited all over him, spilling all of your feelings
- You started reaching out to his friends and family
Though these are all not good behaviors to exhibit post breakup (whether or not you want your ex back), it’s not the end of the world. I have seen plenty of success stories where girls did all of these things, and still managed to get their ex’s back. So don’t lose hope just yet.
What I’d suggest doing to feel better about your actions pre-or post breakup is to keep telling yourself that what’s done is done. Maybe the actions you took weren’t the best, but you can’t control the past.
What you CAN do it to make a commitment to yourself to do a better job controlling your actions going into the future. If you made any of these missteps, take special care in using the “emotional control” component of the No Contact period. Most of the actions listed above are side effects of insecurity and lacking emotional control – both things that can be resolved with time, patience, and correctly utilizing the No Contact period.
How Long Until I Feel Better?
Some common negative feelings that may be consuming you in the aftermath of your breakup could be:
- I feel sick
- I feel lost
- I feel lonely
- I feel like he doesn’t care
- I feel like he’s a stranger
- I feel guilty
- I feel like the breakup was my fault
First, it’s important for you to know that these feelings are SO common. And as much as they hurt, the are part of the healing process. My number one piece of advice is, you guessed it:
Take care of yourself. Indulge in some self care. You need to forgive yourself for any negative thoughts you have about yourself, and work to self-correct.
When I was at one of my lowest points, I did something kind of hokey, but I wholeheartedly recommend it. I was suffering from a very low self esteem, and so each morning after I took a shower, I looked at myself in the mirror for 5 minutes, and picked one thing about myself that I liked. Maybe it was my eyes for 4 days in a row, or maybe it was my sense of humor, or the way one of my eyebrows raised skeptically. The point is, I identified things that I liked about myself, and after some time passed, I learned to appreciate myself.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
This brings me to my last topic, which is “fake it til you make it.”
Cary Grant is now known as one of the most charismatic men in history, basically the OG of “tall, dark and handsome.” He was also insanely charming. But Cary Grant wasn’t always who we think of today when we hear his, now widely recognized name. He was born Archibald Leach, and his home life growing up was less than ideal – his father was an alcoholic, and his mother was eventually committed to a mental institution by his father for clinical depression. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg of his woes.
Because he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents, performing became an outlet for Archibald. He eventually chose the name “Cary Grant” as his stage name, and over time, through acting the role of Grant, he essentially became a new person.
Grant said,
“I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be and I finally became that person. Or he became me. Or we met at some point.”
The Take Away
The most important thing I want you to take away from this article is that YOU have the power to control your destiny. You get to choose your story. How do you feel better after a breakup? You do everything you can to take care of yourself and slowly work towards being a person you are proud of being.
Alright, so now that you know how to feel better after a breakup, even a bad breakup, and you have the resources to know what to do DURING No Contact, let’s talk about YOUR breakup in particular.
I mean, we have written articles on almost every situation we have ever come across and, for the most part, every person that comes here thinks that they are an exception to the rules or perhaps that we haven’t touched on a specific situation that they are dealing with already. And you know what, even though we have dealt with a LOT of situations, you may have something unique that we haven’t covered. And we don’t want to leave you in that situation. We want to help! So, In the comments below, tell me about your breakup and we’ll help teach you how to make him know your worth and realize what he’s lost.
I want to know:
- The details of your breakup. Exactly HOW did he take you for granted.
- What you’ve done since the breakup.
- And what actions you are going to take after reading this article.
bonny
May 28, 2022 at 10:16 am
My ex and I were together for 6 years and we broke up 4 days ago with a bad fight.
Last year we broke up once and I done no contact period and focus on my self then we got back together and we had a good relationship.We talked about our marriage with our families.But 4 days ago because a girl was on Instagram He had followed and liked her photos. We had a serious fight.I felt insecure and jealous and I know that he never betrayed me and he did not, but I could not control myself at all and he also provoked me and talked to me sharply. And finally blocked me and all social networks and said that our relationship ended here.
After breakup, I did no contact and kept quiet and did nothing wrong. But I feel very guilty because it is the next 5 days of his birthday and I feel like I ruined all the plans.But I always tell myself that you did not do anything wrong, breakup was his choice and you gave it to him, but again, I am experiencing a wide range of bad feelings and I feel that my heart is very broken and he didnt like me .After reading this article, I wrote a list of things to do when I have these bad feelings. And I decided to commit to myself and learn to control my emotions
Lucy Hollinshead
May 23, 2020 at 7:48 am
My relationship lasted 4 years, he finished it.
I recently was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia and unable to work. Since then he changed because he wanted me to work and thought I was joking about it, he gave me such stress. I wondered if there’s another email I can send to so it’s not all over here.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 29, 2020 at 11:08 pm
Hi Lucy, there is the one to one coaching, or there is also the Private Facebook group that you can purchase access to. But this or YouTube are the free ways to speak to myself or Chris.
I am sorry that you are unable to work, hopefully through some self care and therapy you will be able to return to a non strenuous job. If your ex does not want to be with you based on your illnesses, or unemployment then I would take that into account as what sort of person he is. Following the program and working on yourself, particularly reading about the Holy Trinity so to show you are looking to make positive changes to your life where you can
MAYA
January 8, 2020 at 11:42 am
Hey, I hope you’ll reply please!, Me and my bf dates each other for 5 months,and we had a serious relationship and the feelings were intense,but suddenly he got to shift another city for some work and he got REALLY BUSY and then I waited like 1 month, I mean, I was the one who made efforts FROM NOVEMBER 2019 TO DECEMBER,but on JANUARY 1 2020, I just couldn’t stop myself and asked some of his friends about him and they told him that ONE GIRL is asking about you And he denied saying I DON’T KNOW HER, to prevent his image, But then he was angry with me,that why I did etc,And he said terrible things, and he was feeling depressed that what would those people be thinking about him, And then, we HAD A BREAKUP ON 2 JANUARY 2020, and then he said bad things, like, you’re the biggest mistake etc, THEN I DIDN’T BEG HIM AT ALL, I JUST SENT SOME MOTIVATIONAL VOICE NOTES TO HIM, to which he didn’t reply, and then, after a day, HE TEXTED ME MISSING YOU, IN THE MORNING, BUT I DIDN’T REPLY, ALSO HE UNFOLLOWED ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA AT THE DAY OF BREAKUP, Then he called in the evening which I ignored, then he again called next day in the morning which I ignored then He TEXTED IN THE EVENING,THAT I HATE YOU THE MOST, and then, it was his last Try On 5 JANUARY 2020, and now it’s 8th, and he didn’t even try a bit, Which is hurting me and making me feel like he would never try again,☹️ Also, he was the person, who used to text and call like crazy when he knew that I am angry or I am getting away,but this time, he’s not GIVING A FUCK, maybe he’s also moving on like Mee.., and we don’t meet and can’t see each other, ALSO HE CAN’T SEE ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA, PLEASE HELP ME, I DONT WANT HIM TO MOVE ON, I WANT HIM TO MISS ME AND FEEL SAD ABOUT LOSING ME!, I need a proper advice from you!!!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 14, 2020 at 5:53 pm
Hi Maya, so by the sounds of things he is already missing you and it doesn’t sound like he is moving on either, when hes calling you and texting you wanting to talk to you thats him thinking about you and missing you. The fact he messaged saying he hates you is just his emotions getting the better of him because you were not giving him what he wanted – the ability to talk to you when he decides to. Stick with your No Contact it is 100% working on this guy instantly. So stay strong and stick with it
Rebecca
December 22, 2019 at 8:07 am
My ex and I met in uni. He was my first love. I did everything I thought was right in a relationship and it felt natural, but his responses tended to be less than ideal. Turned out, while I am a very loving and emotional person, he isn’t, and it took it’s toll. A week before our 1 year together he broke it off, having deliberated over it for two weeks without me knowing. We both have our own problems with our mental health and the way he copes is to pull away. He saw this as unfair on me and refused to ask me to wait for him, and that was it. This was all two weeks ago. We tried to stay friends but through doing that, I discovered that he already felt ok. I’ve never been more hurt. A year together and he’s over it in two weeks. I let my emotions get the better of me and we argued, blocked each other, and now I feel just as bad as I did when we first broke up.
Mya
August 6, 2019 at 12:23 am
Our 4 year relationship was overall very loving and exciting but both of us started feeling trapped I think. I was controlling and took his willingness to change for me for granted. I also threatened to leave him when things got to be too much for me. He always fought for the relationship but he became resentful and abusive. One weekend he went to his friend’s house and didn’t come home when he said he would. I didn’t message him because I was finally ready to give him some space. I felt like we both needed it. When I got home from work the next day he was packing his bags and said he was breaking up with me. We talked it out and had a cry together but mutually agreed it was probably for the best. The first week I spent panicking, especially as when all of his stuff was gone from our place it felt really empty. I sent him some begging texts and he asked me why I was making it harder for him. I asked him to tell me why he wanted to leave and he wouldn’t. He still hasn’t and I really want to know. We’ve kept contact open but I’ve been focusing on messaging less and less otherwise it’s always me starting the conversation. About a week after the breakup I commended him on his bravery in leaving and said I had done a lot of thinking and came to many realisations. I said I think the breakup would be good for both of us but that we could get back together once we’d worked on ourselves. He replied “I think I agree”.
I then started focusing on myself and I have to say, in the month since we’ve been broken up, every aspect of my life is better, except romantically. I’ve made new friends, really gotten started in my therapy sessions, sorted out my health, and got a new piercing I’ve been wanting for years but kept chickening out from.
18 days into the breakup, coincidentally the day I got my piercing, my ex asked to see me. We hung out and it was very comfortable. I was very happy which contrasted his misery a fair bit. I gave him a letter where I detailed all of what I’ve been working on and my realisations about mistakes we’d both made and how we could go forward in our relationship and our future. He touched on some of the topics during our encounter but generally avoided the emotional stuff. He looked excited by my suggestion we move to Boston together instead of me moving to California which had been our plan while we were together. He even jokingly said “I’ve been saying that for years”. He still refused to make anything official though and contact is still only a couple times a week. I asked him to my work ball and he said he’d come and we could go shopping together to get him something that matches my dress. He did mention he thought it was odd for me to be inviting my recent ex though.
I plan on blowing him away with how I look at the ball and teasing him as much as possible but without actually giving him sex. I think I’m on the right track but I’d like some advice if possible?
Nic
July 25, 2019 at 5:39 am
I was in a long distance relationship for 6 years. At year 4 he decided he wanted to return to his home country (UK) to pursue becoming a teacher, he was living in NZ at the time. That took a year plus a year as a NQT at a School. We discussed him coming here (Aust) and he told me he would be here at the end of this year. 2 weeks ago, and weeks out from being fully qualified he called and told me he loved me but there were no opportunities for him in my country (Aus), that he would get bored and that he couldn’t be with me. He told me to move on and find happiness elsewhere, that he couldn’t give me what I want. I have kids so couldn’t move to the UK. After telling me this he cut-off all contact, including blocking phone calls/texts. We had only been together in Thailand 2 months prior for a holiday. I travelled to the UK 3 times in the 6 years and he had many trips to Aus and lived in NZ for some of the time (easier Visa options) which made it easier for me to visit. We spoke on the phone every day. I feel rejected, I supported him through his studies etc and feel he just disregarded me when he was almost done and came to the cross roads of being able to move here. I am going well with the no contact, as I have no way to contact him anyway but feel sad and confused every day! All that time, effort and money put in,I’m angry that he didn’t at least give it a try living together. I am trying to stay active, going to the gym, keeping busy with the kids, full time work, reading, watching movies and talking with supportive friends. Anything to try and keep my mind busy but doesn’t matter what I do my mind is going all day, thinking about the same things over and over. I just want the hurt to stop as quick as he broke my heart!
Celine Kao
December 8, 2018 at 1:52 am
Oh my god. Whoever, wrote this, I thank you. This helped me so much. It was such an eye-opening read. Thank you.
Chris Seiter
December 8, 2018 at 3:37 am
Thanks Celine~
Hazel
October 19, 2018 at 12:10 am
Ive dated with my ex for almost 6 mths. Our relationship was different as we met via an dating app. We got together after we’ve gone on 2 dates as it felt right at the time. During the first 3 mths, things were really blissful and it was the happiest time of my life. But soon after, i feel his distance and we started only seeing each other once a week and sometimes not at all. Towards the last mth, we did not meet for 3 weeks and i can feel he is not making an effort. When we finally met, i wanted to talk things out to make it better but he said he felt he could not see us going on for the next 5 years or more.
After we broke, i cried the whole night and could not go to work the next day. It was the hardest night of my life. I wanted him to take me back.
While reading this article, it made me realised i have to be strong and work on becoming a better self.
Chris Seiter
October 19, 2018 at 3:08 am
Hi Hazel!
yes…you want to strive to find healing and recovery and the best version of “you”, but not for him….but for yourself. Take a look at picking up my 247 eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as its is full of recovery activities.
Valentina
April 6, 2018 at 1:18 pm
So on Feb 18, i caught my boyfriend cheating! He didn’t physically cheat but he had a drunk night and ended up texting a girl he use to mess around with that he saw at the club some really intimate things. I lost it, i became physical, meaning i punched him and yelled at him. He tried proving to me that she didn’t mean anything and it was all the alcohol! I was so emotionally unstable bc this guy knew I’ve had a rough past and this stuff really just gets to me. I did a lot of breaking up and ending things and breaking up again in a spans of 2 weeks. I should add that my aunt passed away the same week that all this happened and my father and i argued and we had a huge falling out and we stopped speaking. It was a difficult week for me! Well on March 4 i broke up with him for the final time. Almost 2 weeks later i attempted to get back with him saying i had made a mistake but he no longer wanted to get back together, he kept asking for time and that he just didn’t know if he wanted to get back together that he needed time to think. I had given him until the end of the month, but then i decided that i was giving him too much power so i told him i would contact him when i was ready! After the official break up i contacted him 5 times, only once was to ask him for us to get back together and 1 of the times i actually drove to his apartment at 4am to ask him about some messages i had found on his email where he was being flirty with another girl! He swore he had never been unfaithful besides that one time i caught him. He also went to say that he didn’t think we could surpass what was happening to us because he didn’t love me enough to push through this! He went on to say that he still loved and cared for me but that he needed space and he wanted to find himself! We cried and once again said our good byes, we left on good terms. 2 days later i received some pictures and videos of him at a bar getting drunk with his friend and being flirty with girls, i felt hurt because that’s not exactly “working on himself” so I texted him “you’re dead to me” that same night. I deleted his number from my phone, blocked him and his friends from social media and completely disconnected from him! I put away everything he gave me in a box and deleted all his pictures! Any reminder of him i took it out of sight! Ive been trying to start the No Contact rule but i always fall short and never go more than 8 days. This time I’m determined, it’s been 6 days today since the last time i texted him. I doubt i want him back but I’m still so emotional, do you think there has been too much damage done that he will never return? I just feel like i lost my best friend and the days have been so hard since i also lost my aunt and had that falling out with my dad. I’ve been feeling so empty, i just feel like how could he leave me at such a vulnerable time in my life specially to go party and get drunk with other women! I know i shouldn’t want that jerk again but I’m just wondering if you think he’s gone forever?
Jennifer Seiter
April 7, 2018 at 3:38 am
No I don’t think he’s gone forever. No contact is the hardest part of our process. It’s like an addiction, talking to your ex. After around 14 days you should start to feel better if your working on yourself, trying new things, and going on dates.
Jana
January 25, 2018 at 8:30 pm
Hi ,
I have read this so many times. I know i don’t want my ex back and still i miss him sometimes. We lived together for two years. We are both entrepreneurs working on our own companies. We actually met in meet up event. I had been single for almost 3 years when i met him. I had come out of a relationship where the person i thought i love cheated in me. I told him about it and also that i was going to give myself an opportunity to love again. We clicked. He supported each other. When i needed he helped me with my business and when he needed and his business was not doing so well i helped him. We both decided to invest more time in my business since it was having better venues. .. I quit my full time job last year. I was super tired. Working my full-time job and my business was killing me physically and mentally. I forgot how to have fun. All i did was work and pay bills. after quitting everything changed. We worked together during the summer .. we spent almost all day together. I got some problems from work ..my landlord from my studio asked me to move suddenly, my former boss sued me, and i became so negative.. i was so worried about losing my business. He kept on reminding me all the good things we were doing and at the same time reminding me that he was not my business partner and that i had to be happy and fine because he was there to help me. I just couldn’t feel happy i was so afraid of losing everything. He was not making so much money either. ..anyways after almost solving all the work problems.. he asked me for a weekend and space to think and re;ax. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no… he went away to his sailboat where we spent almost every weekend. (we argued a lot during the last term of the summer) i went to surprise him and he was with another girl.. his friend who i met long time ago … i felt my world ended that day. It was devastated. I spent 3 more months at home then i moved out. He was giving me so many reasons why he wanted to break up wth me after he cheats .. exactly. .he said i was going to break up with you anyway …He started dating another girl within a month..
I still don’t know how can we love somebody so much one day and suddenly that love is not there anymore. .. I missed the signals.. i heard him complain sometimes but we always spoke about it and we never went to bd fighting ..he always said we will go through anything together. .. i feel so disappointed. .. He betrayed me .. I don’t even feel the need to talk to him.. besides all the bills when’re my name is and i need him to get me out…
I need this pain in my chest to go away. .im fine some days but some others like today i feel i cant breath…
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 29, 2018 at 11:22 am
Hi Jana,
check this one too:
EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant
A
January 15, 2018 at 12:28 am
Hi,
So about a year and a bit ago I got my ex back using ex bf recovery techniques – to be fair my 1 month turned into 6months & honestly I thought i could do without him but one drunk night in the bathroom of a bar i texted him and I just unravelled from there – I sent him a text he was thinking about it when I ran into him on the bus, we spoke – we got a coffee together & then over a week or 2 we reinitiated the relationship and got back together. But the same old shit kept happening to us & no matter how I tried to persuade the relationship in a healthy direction – I wound up doing all the hard work. Going back into the relationship I had stated my expectations were don’t get back together with me as we had already dated for 3 years – if you dont intend to marry me by the 4th. I’m entitled to not wanting to spend 5 years with the title of girlfriend when im 28 & my friends who have been dating for shorter periods of time are getting engaged, married & 3 of them are having babies this year. It’s not fair on me. I’m ready for that. So we recently ended things and i moved to a different state because I want a future with someone and he explicitly stated as he is a year younger than me that he has no interest in settling down till he is 35. But he knew this a year ago!!! and he still strung me along for a year – he made a promise & he broke it. Honestly, I don’t want him back but it would be helpful if there were a few of these articles that made you realise like hey you definitely should not want that person back he is not right for you & I think after having not met anyone I liked after 6 months I went back to him – but if i had just held out for another 6 – I might have met someone better. Anyway, that’s just my 2 cents would love some advice on my situation I’m a mess!!! I need to now go get an ovarian count because I’m planning on going back and doing my Masters. My whole life currently leaves a bad taste in my mouth. There is resentment but how do i go about not going flying back into a bad relationship? One where I do all the emotional work, and I do all the housework too oh & I get no commitment in return? Like what did I do wrong? Why do I feel like shit? I have initiated nc but why? I want that relationship to burn in hell – what sort of hell is this where I get nothing I want out of a relationship?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 15, 2018 at 2:53 pm
Hi A,
Most of the time, we get what we allow.. Reassess your standards and exercise them.. If something or someone is not within it, then let it go or walk away.. You can’t control other people. Waiting and getting frustrated when they don’t act the way you want them to, is handing over to them the decision on what you will feel.. When it should be yours to make..and don’t invest all of your time, energy and emotion to someone who is not giving equal value.. How do you stop doing that? Just stop doing it.. Easier said than done but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible..
Amy
January 13, 2018 at 7:08 pm
Me and my ex been together for a year. And in last months he showed he just wanted to be alone and single but we never talked seriously and it. We got a kind of bad break up but at the end is good anyway. I didn’t use the contacts rule for the first week. But he seems ignoring but not totally. The last time I talked with him is yesterday. Just after a week he’s already interested in someone else. I think we’re deeper than that. So I decided not to talk with him again but My heart is still shattered. When he told me that he kissed that girl, I told him I am happy now coz you’re on your way. I love you so much to be mad at you. Just happy and stuff. He said he just sees me as a friend right now. It slaps in my face amd I realize yeah, he doesn’t actually love me the whole time at all
Mari
January 11, 2018 at 1:18 pm
His ex came to visit from New York and things went downhill from there. He told me he still has feelings for her, although he won’t act on them and it just shocked him to see her again. I became insecure and we started fighting a lot. We were together for a year and also lived together for about just as long. We were really happy together, save for the occasional fights over things we didn’t agree about. In the last two months of our relationship we started fighting a lot about his ex and the problems present in the relationship (we didn’t communicate well enough, our personalities were too different, and since I was younger than he was he felt that we couldn’t talk about the same topics he would with someone his own age, as well as the financial issues we were experience during the Christmas season because I didn’t have a job yet) .
So he went away for a week without telling me exactly where he was going. Instead of giving him space (and being clueless as to him wanting space) I freaked out and texted him continuously because he was ignoring me. In that week he called to tell me he’s breaking up with me and I have to move out of our place before he got back.
Whilst in the process of moving out, I tried to convince him to take me back and so on. This lasted for 4 weeks. He was gone for 4 weeks and I didn’t even know where to. I was out of the house in week 2. I gnatted him for 4 weeks straight while he ignored me. On the fourth week, I made plans with him to get the last of my stuff from his place and he said okay. He picked me up but instead of sticking to our plans to take me to his house to get my stuff and talk, he went to a take away parking lot and told me we weren’t going back to his place.
We talked for about an hour, it was sad but it went nowhere. He told me he wasn’t really that unhappy in our relationship, but he felt too content with me. He felt happy with what we had and didn’t have an overwhelming desire for anything more because he was peaceful and content, and apparently that wasn’t what he wanted. He felt we should have pressed each other to progress forward in our lives, but instead we were content with what we had and happy about it. I just felt that we shouldn’t be coaching each other, just support each other, because if one wants to progress forward in life it has to start with yourself, not your significant other pushing you into it. I apologized for my gnatting and confronted him about him ignoring me. After he left, he left me a voicemail crying, telling me how sorry he was for how he handled things. I told him it’s okay, I forgive him, he was only doing what he thought was best at the time. Then he continued ignoring me.
I tried cutting off contact on week 5 after our breakup, but on day 3 of ignoring him (today) I contacted him because I still hadn’t gotten my things from his place. I tried making plans for weeks, but it didn’t work because the one time we saw each other to do just that he changed our plans last minute and the rest of the time he ignored me or made excuses. He sounded pretty annoyed and made up excuses not to see me.
He keeps telling me that he’s hurting just as bad as I am (even though he’s constantly ignoring me and really seems like he doesn’t care at all about me anymore, like he lost all his feelings for me). He also says he didn’t just leave me, we broke up with each other, which wasn’t the case at all. And then he informed me that his brother moved in with him as soon as I moved out.
I feel like if I hadn’t gnatted him while he was away that one week he wouldn’t have broken up with me. Then I made it worse by gnatting him for 4 weeks, begging him to take me back but being unsuccessful. Now I need to keep contact with him to get my things – I try ignoring him unless we have to talk about plans to get my stuff, but even then it feels like I just say the wrong things, because he keeps sounding annoyed and mad at me, and I’m expecting way too much out of him. I would just like to see him one last time while getting my stuff at his place so we could make peace so the last time we see each other won’t be so horrible and he could remember me for who I am, not the crazy girl who won’t stop texting him and calling him crying.
I just feel like I messed everything up so much that it’s beyond the point of me ever having a chance with him again or even him missing me at all if I were to be successful in no contact (sadly, I can’t do the social media posting if I go into successful no contact because the only social media he uses is FB and we’ve never been friends on FB, and he knows I don’t post events on FB at all).
I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want him back so badly. I’ve never been so happy in any former relationship and no breakup has ever hit me this hard.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2018 at 7:46 pm
Hi Mari,
You don’t have to be friends in fb.. You just have to make the posts public, so that when he gets curious he’ll see you’re moving on in life.. and if you don’t post before, being active now is part of your change.. that’s what he’s supposed to think, that you’re not chasing anymore, and choosing to move on in life
Confused
January 8, 2018 at 10:20 pm
I was the other woman for two years. His long term live in girlfriend knew about me and allowed him to cheat. He was rarely ever with her, which made their relationship pointless to me. He admitted to being complacent and that she made things easy for him and he wasn’t in love with her, actually never was, hence why they’re not married after 12 years together. I actually told him I think he needs to be single for a bit to sort out what he wants in life. Long story short, we ended things because I refused to share him any longer, but for a few weeks still communicated. In that time I found out some things about his clearly unhealthy relationship from mutual friends. He called me right before Christmas and the conversation was going well until I confronted him about what I had heard. We got into a really ugly fight and both said things we can’t take back. It got to the point where he called me the C word and I told him I would contact his gf if he kept pushing my buttons, he told me to go right ahead, so I did. I messaged her via instagram and essentially threw my relationship with him in her face. Obviously she called me every name in the book but admitted she knew all along that him and I were together. I feel like I was the only one being duped for two years and he won’t give me the answers I think I deserve. He refuses to have a normal conversation with me at this point. He also left his house but comes back and forth because of his dog. He’s currently living at his parents most of the time. We blocked each others phone numbers initially but I unblocked him. I did try and reach out once but got no response, and I know he got my message because it was through a friends phone. I know what I did was wrong, getting involved with him, but I also didn’t anticipate falling in love with him etc. So, now I’m left heartbroken, angry, confused and really have no idea what to do to try and make things right.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 10, 2018 at 2:38 am
Hi Confused,
You have to leave him… Because staying in that position in a relationship says you’re ok with him disrespecting you.
Bailey
January 4, 2018 at 3:52 am
1. We stopped talking to each other and enjoying each others company like we used to (we’ve been together for 9 years, lived together for 8). He’d nap almost always, ignoring me when I wanted to do something. We stopped having sex after a while, and although I wanted to I wasn’t sure how to initiate anymore. He would stay out late and not come home. I felt as though he was taking me for granted as I would always cook and clean for him and tried to make him comfortable around the house. These things would cause me to become irritated and lash out on him. We started fighting over the most insignificant things. Ultimately he admitted that he was having an affair and that he wanted to leave me for her. I was devastated.
2. We live together, so while he’s been coming and going from the house to see his new girlfriend, I’m left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I feel lonely and lost, my whole future was shattered when he admitted to what he had done. We’ve argued, we’ve cried but I feel it’s easier for him to move on then me, as he already has someone to comfort him. He does admit that he’s not sure if he’s making a huge mistake as we’ve built and experienced so much together but I feel he’d still rather be with this younger, new girl for now.
3. I’m currently looking for a new place to live, and looking for a job that pays better. I’m seeing someone for counselling and taking steps to improve my mental and physical health. I want to put some distance between us, and take a break from always worrying where he is and what he’s doing. I want to live for myself again.
Raine
January 4, 2018 at 2:40 am
Between Chris at the exboyfriendrecovery and reading The Unedited Guide To Surviving Heart break I made it! Found more confidence in myself.
Marie
January 4, 2018 at 1:32 am
Hi EBR,
My boyfriend of 1 yr and 3 mos and me broke up last Dec 19 2017. Before the break up, we were really fine and happy (i guess) until the night of Dec 18 we had a fight a petty fight its just because I mentioned about my ex and his new girl which was a friend of ours. For me it was nothing because my bestfriend just mentioned it to me thats why i mentioned it to him until he got mad and then didnt want to talk or he was just dry. That night I called him we talked I said soryy the usually sorry convo in a fight until i just felt he is still dry and then i asked him he is fed up and he said yes. So I asked him that the next day we will talk in person. That was a shitty night for me because he really made me felt that he doesnt love me anymore.
On the 19th we talked personally in his car, i said sorry and told him im ready to change and fix the relationship and he was just nodding his head like saying no he doesnt want this relationship anymore. I talked about my side but he was just not saying anything until he told me he’s fed up, and doesnt love me anymore. Until i was the one who said ” are we breaking up?” And he just nodded in agreement.
That afternoon, i was confused on why he broke up with me so i called his guy bestfriend and his bestfriend told me that he felt it two mos ago that he is fed up. That he felt that he doesnt love me any more. In addition to that the morning before we talked i chat also his other bestfriend whom he first talked to about his feelings about me, he told me that he had fallen out of love that he felt that im not making him enjoy if im not with him, that he had fallen out of love.
I did the no contact rule but it just lasted 4 days because i cannot contain myself. Its like my heart is gonna explode because i thought it was all my fault why we broke up because he made me feel that way after the break up. On the 24 his brothers girlfriend chatted me and ask about us if were ok? So i told her that we broke up and she pushed me to talked to him to let things out and if doesnt go to well that i will block him in facebook. So i texted him asked him stuffs and asked him if contemplated about the decision he made if it was ok? Or would he give it another chance? He replied he didnt think about it after the break up and that his decision is final. So i asked him if he could call he called and i talked to him in a way made him realize that our problem was a small problem that we could talk things through and that why he didnt told me he what he felt for the past two months. He answered he didnt know how to confront me or tell me until it accumulated inside of until and the exploded. I told him that he should have opened up and told me, things would have been fixed. I also told him that ill give him a year to really think about it and a year to get back togther with his own efforts. He then said “ok”
After that night i then came across with your blog and was determined to do the NO CONTACT rule for 30 days.
Just a brief description of my ex he is a happy go lucky guy, he diverts all the problem he encounters, if he is fed up he really is fed up. He sometimes insensitive.
He took me for granted in a way i was the one who was controlling our relationship because he doesnt want to plan and make the decision, i always make plans and decision (most of the times), it felt unfair because all of the time i was being honest on how i felt when im angry with him or disappointed. He made me feel everything was ok and the booom it was too easy for him to fall out of love and end our relationship.
If relationship was just about the feeling of fed up, since then i was fed up of him but i loved him and understand him and accepted him on who he is. I appreciated the little things about him thats why that feeling of fed up if covered by the feeling of my love for him.
2. Its been 9 days of my NC, i went on a holiday trip to the beach with my family, and also going out with my friends from time to time and improving myself. I also go to the gym everyday.
3. im doing the NC and i want him back to my life. But first of all i have to learn to love my self again to find myself. To stand on my own two feet and be strong again. To improve myself. So that whatever outcome will result in this recovery project whether a positive one or a negative one. I know that i can stand on my own that i love myself before loving him or anyone. Also i have to improve things that should be improved.
Contemplate on what when wrong with our relationship that if ever we rekindle it. We will start a new and improve one.
Shay
January 1, 2018 at 10:49 pm
Me & my ex-boyfriend had been together for 2 years prior to the breakup. I’ve always dealt with accusing my partner of cheating & insecurity issues in relationship and I’ve always tried to work on them. Before the break up, me and my ex had been arguing a lot due to him hanging out more with his friends and I felt that he wasn’t making enough time for me. I began to feel that he was cheating on me & I let it be known every time we communicated. A few weeks ago he broke up with me & after the break up I found out that he had been talking to someone else while he was still in a relationship with me. I still love him and want to be with him but I also want to work on myself too. I went to a party this weekend and he was there but he didn’t speak to me but he spoke to my friends. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2018 at 6:19 pm
Hi Shay,
check this one:
He Cheated On You And You Want Him Back… What Do You Do?
Bianca Lauro
January 1, 2018 at 7:47 pm
Hi:
I had been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. It started off long distance since October 2015 (1 hr and a half) and then I moved closer to him to be together. I had broken up with him a couple of times when we were long distant because it was hard, but once I moved closer to him it was better and I never did it again. I moved in with him and after two months I was missing home. He thought I didn’t want to be there so he broke up with me. I ended up getting my own apartment down the street. Two weeks later after no contact he came back wanting to get back together. The following February 2017 I was starting to use him as my sole happiness. We broke up in March 2017 again because he said I needed to figure out what would make me happy first before being with him and I agreed. It was very hard and after no contact again and really working on myself we got back together July 2017. Things were great and we thought we really worked on everything , said he was going to get me a ring, we were looking at condos but I still wasn’t sure where I was going career wise and I know this wasn’t good. He broke up with me again this past November 2017. I don’t think he was going to do it but I had noticed he had been distant for a bit, so I asked him what was going on? I asked, are you just not into this? And he said i’m sorry……we hugged and cried together, I packed up all of my things there. I had an emotional moment about two weeks later and said I loved him and to please call me but he didn’t answer. It is now Jan 1 and I still want him back. My family says he is not coming back and forget him. But, I really think I need to figure out where I am going career wise before anything. Do you think he will come back and we can be officially together?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 4, 2018 at 7:48 pm
Hi Bianca,
He’s right..put yourself first because even if he gets back with you, if the situation is the same, this is all going to repeat again