Decoding Mixed Signals From Your Ex Boyfriend - Based On Real Life Scenarios

599 thoughts on “Decoding The Mixed Signals From Your Ex Boyfriend”

ella

April 14, 2015 at 9:01 am

Hi, wondering if you could give me some advice. I was looking to buy your book but wondered if it was too late. My ex and I broke up in Dec 2014 after going on a break for a month ( his idea, he said he didnt know if he loved me anymore. I was hospitals last August and ended up in ICU fighting for my life and he was constantly there which was great. The day he decided we needed a break I returned to hospital and he visited and we’d play games to keep me entertained on my iPad. Anyway in Dec he said we should break up for good, initially I contacted him quite a bit asking for him to take some stuff back (he basically moved in after a few months together) and I found him on tinder (looking to still feel wanted whilst I was in hospital. Anyway he said the stuff wasn’t important and that I could keep it. Since then we’ve talked on and off he told me last moth he missed me and we had a conversation, next day he apologised for saying it. Recently (last week) I bumped into him at a bar and he told me to sit down and started talking to me in front of his friend and we all had a good chat for a bit. He’s also been reading over my essays for university recently too and will occasionally comment on things on fb. I no longer have his number so Facebook is really the only way to message. Ia this a lost cause before either purchase your book?
M

April 12, 2015 at 2:19 pm

Hi Chris.
I just broke up with my boyfriend for five months yesterday. He was my first boyfriend and I was his second. We fought from time to time but we always made up in the end. He was a really nice boyfriend. But he lied to me once in a while. 2 or 3 months after we started going out, he found a job ( we were in our last month of uni when we got together). So he got busy and we chat less. We couldn’t meet each other often during that time because I was away in my hometown. Then when i got back to town to further my studies, I thought we will be able to meet more often. But no he was so busy (busy with work, with his family and his friends). I got hurt because I don’t think I am important to him anymore. I admit I am more to the emotional side. I didn’t think I was wrong when I got angry at him for having no time for me. He also tend to keep things to himself which made me seem like I am even less important to him. I guess things start to build up and after we had a fight last weekend I ask for a break up. We are both angry and get carried away with the fight. The next day I called him and he say we should have a break for 3 days to think through our relationship. We did and I really repented on myself and wanted to get back together with him. But he say no, he wanted to stop. He told me all these stuff he never told me before, like how much I had hurt him too when I accused of him hurting me. I say we can fix this and let’s change. I beg him to stay but he say he don want to do it anymore. I apologized and tried everything I could but he was firm with his decision. So in the end I agreed with the breakup. But since we did this through text and phone call, I told him I really wanted to do this face to face and ask to meet him for one last time. I guess I was in denial at that time. So he say yes and agree to meet up the next day, which is today. I just went out for a dinner with him. He acted totally normal like nothing ever happened. He treated me so nicely as if we never broke up. We didn’t talk about breakup or our relationship at all. We just chatted normally and he keep showing his side which seems like he still care about me. He say stuffs which make me confuse and happy at the same time. But I know he is not someone who will change his decision so abruptly. So I didn’t get my hope up. When he sent me back home, I asked for a hug, he hug me back and I said thanks and goodbye. He didn’t say anything else. I was so confused. I told my close friend about it and she said maybe he just don’t want to make me sad and because we are still friend. I am really confuse right now. Please help me Chris
Emily

April 11, 2015 at 6:49 pm

Hey Chris!
I was wondering if you could help me decode my ex-boyfriend’s recent behavior. We had been together for about 2.5 years and were on and off for the past year. We originally broke up due to some lies from him and after a few months apart we reconnected at a party with mutual friends. We had a good relationship prior to the lie so we figured to give it another chance. However, I continued to have trust concerns and he lost patience at times which led to it being on and off. For a few months though, we had been slowly building the trust back and I felt that it was progressing well. But we had a minor trust issue and he ended it.
I implemented NC (in which I ignored some texts) and it was going well until he showed up at my cousin’s birthday celebration at a bar. I found this odd because he was never one for the club scene and he isn’t particularly close with this group anymore. He made a scene about talking to other girls and trying to find one to dance with. All of this was very out of his character! Anyway, I didn’t talk to him there. He texted me later saying I could get some of my stuff I had left at his place if I wanted. I could definitely use this stuff so I responded neutrally saying I could pick it up. I just found it odd that suddenly after seeing me having fun with friends he decided I should come get items that had been in his apartment for a year! They aren’t even really my items. They were gifts or extra housewares that my family had given him over the years (coffee maker, end table, broom, etc). What does this mean? If I was mad at someone I wouldn’t suggest they come over to pick up useful items I had been given!
Thanks!
Emily
Dani

April 10, 2015 at 1:21 pm

Hi Chris, my ex (whom I was together with for 5 1/2 years) broke up with me 7 weeks ago. Before we had been fighting a lot, but the day right before the break up he actually tried to make up with me, but then ignored me. When he broke up with me, he told me that he still loved me but it wasn’t working out. 30 minutes later he texted me, telling me what a great woman I was (he told me that repeatedly even weeks later). A week after I wanted to talk and it went really well, but he didn’t want to consider getting back together (I didn’t want to right away, just wanted for us to take some time apart and leave the option open). When I asked him if hr still loved me, he answered that he didn’t know. He also said he’d wish for us to be friends some time (but he says we have nothing in common which I and many of our friends think isn’t true). Then 5 weeks after the break up I asked him what the problem between us was. He didn’t really answer. I asked him if doesn’t love me anymore and he said “yes, that’s it”. I wanted to talk to him to have some closure. He asked me to have coffee with him. I didn’t want to fight in public, so I did bring up what I really wanted to talk about. We just talked about what we’ve been up to and its was really great. He suggested we should meet and have coffee on a regular basis. When we left he insisted to pay and offered, almost insisted to drive me home even though he was in a hurry (but I declined) and he hugged me way longer than I would ever hug any other male friend. After that I realized that I really love him and miss him and that we can’t just be friends. A few days later I met him to get some of my stuff that was still at his place. He offered to drive it for me although I only live one block away. I asked him where this was going, when we meet for coffee. He said nowhere. I just wanted to hear if there was any chance, not right now, but we could see what might happen. His answer was ” I don’t know know what I want in the future. What do I know what I want in the next 3-4 years.” I didn’t mean any time period that long. A few months maybe. I’m really confused. I’ve been in NC since, it’s been 2 weeks. But it’s just a matter of time until we see each somewhere.
What should I make of this?

Dani
Dani

April 10, 2015 at 1:20 pm

Hi Chris, my ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago. Before we had been fighting a lot, but the day right before the break up he actually tried to make up with me, but then ignored me. When he broke up with me, he told me that he still loved me but it wasn’t working out. 30 minutes later he texted me, telling me what a great woman I was (he told me that repeatedly even weeks later). A week after I wanted to talk and it went really well, but he didn’t want to consider getting back together (I didn’t want to right away, just wanted for us to take some time apart and leave the option open). When I asked him if hr still loved me, he answered that he didn’t know. He also said he’d wish for us to be friends some time (but he says we have nothing in common which I and many of our friends think isn’t true). Then 5 weeks after the break up I asked him what the problem between us was. He didn’t really answer. I asked him if doesn’t love me anymore and he said “yes, that’s it”. I wanted to talk to him to have some closure. He asked me to have coffee with him. I didn’t want to fight in public, so I did bring up what I really wanted to talk about. We just talked about what we’ve been up to and its was really great. He suggested we should meet and have coffee on a regular basis. When we left he insisted to pay and offered, almost insisted to drive me home even though he was in a hurry (but I declined) and he hugged me way longer than I would ever hug any other male friend. After that I realized that I really love him and miss him and that we can’t just be friends. A few days later I met him to get some of my stuff that was still at his place. He offered to drive it for me although I only live one block away. I asked him where this was going, when we meet for coffee. He said nowhere. I just wanted to hear if there was any chance, not right now, but we could see what might happen. His answer was ” I don’t know know what I want in the future. What do I know what I want in the next 3-4 years.” I didn’t mean any time period that long. A few months maybe. I’m really confused. I’ve been in NC since, it’s been 2 weeks. But it’s just a matter of time until we see each somewhere.
What should I make of this?

Dani
Dani

April 10, 2015 at 1:18 pm

Hi Chris, my ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago. Before we had been fighting a lot, but the day right before the break up he actually tried to make up with me, but then ignored me. When he broke up with me, he told me that he still loved me but it wasn’t working out. 30 minutes later he texted me, telling me what a great woman I was (he told me that repeatedly even weeks later). A week after I wanted to talk and it went really well, but he didn’t want to consider getting back together (I didn’t want to right away, just wanted for us to take some time apart and leave the option open). He said he’d wish for us to be friends some time (but he says we have nothing in common which I and many of our friends think isn’t true). Then 5 weeks after the break up I asked him what the problem between us was. He didn’t really answer. I asked him if doesn’t love me anymore and he said “yes, that’s it”. I wanted to talk to him to have some closure. He asked me to have coffee with him. I didn’t want to fight in public, so I did bring up what I really wanted to talk about. We just talked about what we’ve been up to and its was really great. He suggested we should meet and have coffee on a regular basis. When we left he insisted to pay and offered, almost insisted to drive me home even though he was in a hurry (but I declined) and he hugged me way longer than I would ever hug any other male friend. After that I realized that I really love him and miss him and that we can’t just be friends. A few days later I met him to get some of my stuff that was still at his place. He offered to drive it for me although I only live one block away. I asked him where this was going, when we meet for coffee. He said nowhere. I just wanted to hear if there was any chance, not right now, but we could see what might happen. His answer was ” I don’t know know what I want in the future. What do I know what I want in the next 3-4 years.” I didn’t mean any time period that long. A few months maybe. I’m really confused. I’ve been in NC since, it’s been 2 weeks. But it’s just a matter of time until we see each somewhere.
What should I make of this?

Dani
Raven

April 1, 2015 at 2:43 am

Hi Chris, so I went for NC (I’ll admit it wasn’t fully 30 days but close!) I texted him the day after his birthday to wish him a happy birthday (told to by friends and family) and jokes that I hope he wasn’t hung over. He went along with it which I assumed was a good sign. Convo didn’t really go anywhere so I just left it. I told him I missed him a few days before that, he said he missed me too. Recently I used your opening text referring to a journal I found that he made me years earlier (where he talked about how much he loved me) and thanked him for making me smile. he responded “ahah,no problem. the good old times eh? Ahah” clearly not ready for emotional stuff yet. Haven’t spoken to him in about a week now. Not really sure what to do. Everyone is telling me to back off and let him come to me. (I left a comment before about him. We broke up because he said he fell out of love with me and doesn’t want a long term relationship. I think it’s because he wants to screw around and party) he’s been posting a lot about drinking and partying and I saw him on a ‘dating’ app called hot or not. Anyways, what is my game plan?? Do I back off or do something? I know he loves me. We were about to celebrate our 4 year anniversary.

admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:34 pm

I am actually not a plan of sending a birthday text.

I don’t think you should back off I just think you should continue to try to build rapport with him. Continue the attraction.

Richelle

April 1, 2015 at 1:35 am

My BF of 18 months recently lost his mother suddenly. He and his mom were extremely close. She actually lived with him and his children (he has custody of his kids post divorce) It’s been a few months since she passed and he has decided that we won’t work. He has given me at least 10 different reasons that range from my work schedule to him getting adjusted to his new life to issues he has with my kids. I have done NC, but not for 30 days. The longest is only 5. After 4 or 5 days he calls and tells me how he wants to work it out. Then the next day he says he has given it some thought and he doesn’t think it will work. It has been very hurtful for this has happened at least 4 times!

He wants us to be BFFs. He will call daily, text and even asked me to go on vacation! He says that we have such a great friendship and even if I eventually date and marry someone else he still wants us to be friends. He has asked to still be involved in my kids lives b/c he claims he loves all of us very much. At this point for my own protection I just want to call block him so that I won’t be tempted to respond to him. I can’t be his friend b/c I’m still in love with him; however he can’t understand that. He is literally an emotional mess and I think he is depressed. I want to just walk away and leave him alone, but I feel guilty! There’s a big part of me that just wants to get off the emotional roller coaster b/c being his friend and offering the emotional benefits from me just doesn’t seem fair. Help!

Richelle

April 19, 2015 at 8:29 pm

I failed at NC after 7 days!!! We started talking and guess what?!?! He now has a girlfriend!! WTH?!?! He said he thinks about me while with the girlfriend and misses me very much…go figure! He just tried to reconcile 2 weeks ago, but changed his mind after a few days, but shocked that he is actually in another relationship. I could maybe deal with him talking to new people, but a committed relationship! WOW! she has even met his kids and been introduced as his new girl! CRAZY!! Not sure that 30 days NC would even do any good at this point. What are your thoughts??
Richelle

April 11, 2015 at 4:01 pm

Thanks! it gets tough b/c my ex will call and beg to get back together and then the next day he will say it’s a bad idea! This has happened several times. He has no clue how upsetting it is. He just goes right back to still trying to be the BFF. I want/need to let go but still love him very much.
admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:29 pm

Seriously the fact that he wants to be friends you can use to your advantage. It makes NC more effective IF you last 30 days.

M.

March 31, 2015 at 6:19 pm

Oh my God ”kakistos” means ”the worst” or ”meanest” in Greek(my language)! lol Also I’d like to say my sign is also Taurus so is my ex’s! Who did many of the above and that name would suit him so much! Why wouldn’t he be more like you? sigh.. I don’t know how to deal with him..

admin

March 31, 2015 at 10:58 pm

I dated a Taurus girl once…

We fought ALL THE TIME!

Two stubborn bulls I guess you can say haha.

Though I was also immature too at times.
M.

April 1, 2015 at 6:19 pm

hahaha we didn’t fight like really fight,I was the one who lost patience once and I think we were so similar at so many things but yet so different in some others!he was immature too at some things! lol still I can’t understand how to bring him back..I feel like I have the answer and at the same time I haven’t it :/

Ally

March 31, 2015 at 1:11 pm

Hi again chris. Sorry for adding yet another comment but just realized I forgot to mention something that’s probably relevant. Very soon after we broke up, he started going out with another girl who was in the same city as him. However I also know that during our one month of NC (about a month after we broke up), he had expressed doubts about his new gf at the time to our mutual friend. That he wasn’t sure about her etc, while asking about me and also texting me at the time (which I ignored of course).

A month ago when he visited my city, he told our mutual friend they had broken up. And in our little group catch up he mentioned he is looking for a “new friend”. However to be honest, I don’t know for sure if he still has a new gf right now. He has never explicitly said anything to me and I’ve never asked
Ally

March 31, 2015 at 12:54 pm

Hi Chris,

I contacted you almost a month ago but never got a reply to my comments. I understand you’re very busy, but I would really appreciate if you could pls help me out with a few things

I’ve completed NC 6 weeks ago. Since then, my ex and I have been intermittently texting each other, we have not progressed to phone calls. We are currently (and were previously) long distance. I’m trying really hard, but I feel like we’re not progressing anywhere just hovering at the same spot and I’m starting to doubt what I’m doing, if I need a change of game plan…

Firstly, I feel like he’s sending me mixed signals. When I first contacted him after NC he seemed extremely happy and angry at the same time. He was a bit of a text gnat, sending happy but guarded texts, as well as angry ones asking why I ignored his messages. I took that as a positive sign. After that, he has been hot and cold. Occasionally he sends multiple friendly texts. Other times he sends one word or neutral responses, followed by no response. That is the situation we’re currently in. However, I also know he genuinely is very busy with work, and even when we were as happy as can be we would occasionally be slow with replies as we’re both busy, however he used to always get back even if it was days late.

3-4 weeks ago, we met in person as he happened to be in my city for work. He wanted to meet me alone at that stage, but chickened out a couple of hours before. We still did end up meeting, but it was in a group and we hardly spoke to each other. The vibe was slightly awkward, he was very loud and dominating the entire group conversation. I thought that was the end of us as he mostly ignored me, but when we parted he unexpectedly gave me a rather long hug just never said a word. Not even goodbye.

I know he previously suggested to our mutual friend that he still had feelings for me, and wanted to talk to me but wasn’t sure how I would respond. So he was passing messages via her. Unfortunately our mutual friend really disapproves of us for fear of me being hurt again, so she had twisted my words and also warned him to stay away from me (unfortunately I did not know of this till a week ago). And now I’m not sure if this has an impact on him.

After being in the same position for almost a month, I decided to make a move yesterday and ask if he would be interested in grabbing coffee this week (as I am free). He hasn’t clearly responded yes or no, just said he is away for a few days and asked how long I am available for. I replied, but he didn’t respond after. And this is where we’re at now.

My few questions are:
1. Did I scare him off for making the move on asking him out too soon? Should I back off now, or gently ask him again in a few days?

2. Do you reckon I should clarify with him, about all the things our mutual friend had told him about me which were not true at all, and she had put words in my mouth just to make him go away? So he doesn’t have a false image of me – or is this trying to hard and digging a bigger hole?

3. I’m really baffled by his mixed signals. I’m not sure if he’s just trying to stay friends, or subtly telling me there’s no future, or if he really is still interested? Could you please help me out on this one its really bugging me

4. Lastly, I really still do want him back, there’s no question about that. We broke up because of LDR, but now I’m in a situation where I am able to move to be with him (but I haven’t had a chance to tell him that). I’ve tried everything in your previous posts – from NC to interesting texts to ending conversations first. But I don’t know if its time I give up… I’ve read your post about giving up and technically I have not had 3 negatives. Then again, with all these mixed signals I’m not sure if I’ve misinterpreted things.

Thanks heaps in advance Chris. I appreciate you taking the time to help our lost souls out here, and sorry for writing such a lengthy comment. I’ve read all your posts and listened to your podcasts, but I really can’t quite find answers to these questions I have…

A.

admin

March 31, 2015 at 10:48 pm

Sorry about not replying before.

It’s getting crazy here.

1. Maybe a little. You have to prime him properly first.

2. Maybe down the road.

3. Actions is what you need to be looking at here. Actions over words every time.

4. Hmm… if your heart is in it then I say give this another try.
Ally

March 31, 2015 at 12:57 pm

I guess the main thing is, his being hot and cold, and sometimes lack of response.. doesn’t seem to match what he’s been saying to our friend that he still has feelings and really wants to talk. I just don’t know what to make of all of this…

Ing61

March 31, 2015 at 2:11 am

Hi Chris! I have been reading many coaching relationships sites, and I have to admit that reading yours took some big laugh from me! I love your special way to explain things.. I just have to say you are adorable ( it’s true.. Hope your wife don’t get upset 🙂 ). The reason from my comment is I had a relationship ( if I can call it in that way, since we didn’t get farder from having few dates, lots talking and texting for more than two years) I have to clarify it is LDR, we leave apart 4 hours driving, but it would change soon since I am moving 15 minutes drive from his town. I decided to go NC about two month since he lost interested and attraction..well it’s what I thought and Insrill think! One night working in my schooling, a text message came to my cell.. It was him!! Trying to get connection with me! There is so many details in between, but to make the story short he told me “he still loves me” .. But few days later when I asked if really meant that he said yes! He said he will always love me! And next thing he told me he have dating few times a woman and it will become a relationship! He always told me he was not ready and bla bla, of course with me I can see it now. I don’t need to tell you how painful is for me! Wrote back a long text message telling him I respect his decision and wishing the best and telling him what I agreed with him in the past.. To walk away forever to let him be free! It happened two days ago. I don’t keep any expectations even I think he is in rebound relationship.. But I don’t know how long he was dating this girl eather. My question is why if I was apart already from him with not contact why to reconnect with me, tell me he loves me and the tell me he is going to get serious with this girl ? I will appreciate your comments and thank you in advance.

admin

March 31, 2015 at 10:32 pm

She probably will but that’s why I love her!

Also, thanks for saying my website helped you.

When did you first catch wind of this new girl? I would like to figure out if she is a rebound.

Renee

March 30, 2015 at 3:18 am

Me and my boyfriend of nearly a year and a half are currently on a week break. We got Into a fight at work (yes We work together which had been really fun until recently) and he says he doesn’t know if he should be with me or not. We went out to eat the first day of the break (he suggested) we we’re having a great time things feel like they were normal again and suddenly in the middle of lunch he said he definitely wanted some time to think because sometimes he really wants me and other times he really doesn’t. I totally respect the space. And I haven’t been calling or texting me. He’s texted me once here and there always corgial and direct. Unfortunately I’m taking guitar lessons with his dad at his house so I’m kinda forced to be at his house 1 day out of the week. And plus we work together! I wAnt space too because I don’t think he’s being understanding of my needs and I see where I’ve lacked at his. I’m willing to work it out but he says he’s unsure. How am I supposed to act around him at work?what can I do to reattract him? I feel like I’m losing him. Oh and we co parent three cats together. Just thought I’d add that. I’m really lost. I want us to work but we lack communication. We’re both crazy about one another. We spend a LOT of time together. It seemed like the breakup/break came out of no where when he exploded at work and told me all these reasons why he wanted to break up, reasons he never shared with me! I understand It’s hard to communicate sometimes saying what you feel isn’t easy. My main concern is how should I act around him at work?
Olivia

March 29, 2015 at 6:12 pm

We are apart, he left me. I was at NC rule and after this period I go to see him – he is happy and friendly and his eyes shining, I see – he love me. But when I get to write him on Facebook, or Viber he is cold and distance. Chris, can you explain me Why?

admin

March 31, 2015 at 9:58 pm

Define cold and distant for me.
Olivia

April 1, 2015 at 12:24 pm

The conversation is short and he doesn’t ask me any questions. Make me wait – days to respond my messages. What is that behaviour?
admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:41 pm

Not necessarily good news here.

I think you aren’t important enough for him to respond to. You need to find a way to become important enough.

Mackenzie

March 29, 2015 at 5:01 pm

Hey chris, so long story short i have been best friends with my ex for years and in that time i friend zoned him countless times and he even broke up with 2 girls for a chance with me. last summer i decided to give him a chance before we went off to university and things were going absolutely amazing for the months of our long distance. we dated for about 7 months and he said i was his soulmate, wanted to marry me, we were meant to be all that bs. the last few weeks we were fighting about communication and other issues (almost all brought on by me) and we ended just one month and a bit before summer where we could be together for 4 glorious months. so since i was confused after the breakup i texted him a week later asking to clarify about the breakup and why we ended and he was willing to talk even though he pushed the date back because he said he had been repressing his feelings about the break-up. so when we talked on skype he was crying and told me we just broke up because of distance essentially, but he did not regret the breakup and he was ‘pretty sure’ of it. and during the call he said he wanted us to be a possibility in summer (i was not open to that idea of a break then just getting back) and he asked if he could still text me many times (I said maybe not cuze i wanted to get over him). we also talked on skype for 25 mins just about casual conversation where we were friendly and even flirty at times. so what im asking is since it is only summer in a month do you think he really wants to get back together in summer and was what he said in the skype call good/ bad for a future relationship? and since we basically only ended because of the distance and are absolutely infatuated with each other when we are together, will this make him think about wanting me back? thanks for your time!

admin

March 31, 2015 at 9:57 pm

I definitely think it will if you guys are infatuated with each other.

Alice

March 29, 2015 at 2:20 pm

Hi Chris,

Me and my ex broke up about a year ago but we’re very wishy washy and still in eachothers lives for a while after that (really just making eachother miserable). We finally stopped speaking in January when we both started casually seeing new people (even though he kept telling me how confused he was and that he wanted to see me and he missed having the type of passion we had). We haven’t spoken since then and then he out of the blue texts me to ‘catch-up.’ I tried to cut the conversation off after small talk but he said it was akward and to abrupt so we talked a little bit more and he started asking a ton of questions abt the guy I was seeing. He then, without me asking, decided to tell me this girl has become his girlfriend and he has changed so much since we were together and is a much better boyfriend, so much so that he is going to tell her that him and I spoke. I was annoyed because I have no idea why he felt the need to tell me any of this and he said it was because he didn’t actually want to tell me abt the new girlfriend it just came out but he wanted to catch up because he cares abt me and just wants me to be happy. I can’t imagine he texted me after not speaking for 4 months just because he ‘cares abt me’ and wanted to check in on how I’m doing with the new guy (who I ended things with). What is the deal with this? Was he really just checking in because he cares abt me as a friend and things are really super great with this new girlfriend? Thanks for your help as always!
Alice

admin

March 29, 2015 at 3:16 pm

I don’t think it was either.

I think he is in a good mood and wanted to see how you were doing because a part of him still cares for you.

Dimple

March 28, 2015 at 10:56 pm

yes we hung out a lot at his place. Usually we watch movies cuddling together.but as you said without commitment I haven’t sleep with him. he tired to but i would not make it happen.I told him it’s going to be if only we are dating again. Then he told me to take me out to dinner at Indian place next day. but next day he said he was so tired and he was not paid and no money right now. I said it’s ok. I understand. what should I need to do to make this relationship happen? Should I remind him again when he get paid? I need game plan please..

admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:12 pm

Are you starting with NC?
Dimple

March 29, 2015 at 8:23 pm

Yes, I did 30 days NC.and send memory text. that’s how we hung out. I really appreciate for the next step.

Yvi

March 28, 2015 at 6:30 pm

My boyfriend didnt even break up with me. He just stopped contacting me. I left him alone and gave him the space he wanted. He told me we needed to talk but he makes excuses for not being able to. I have not contacted him. We work together and are on many projects together. He waits for me after meetings and asks me to go to his offfice with him where he keeps me there for almost an hour talking to me about different things. He told me he missed me and He brings up stuff we used to do or places we have gone. He also had initiated texts a few times. He invited me out last weekend only I didnt see the text and didnt respond until several hours later and he had already left. I couldnt go anyway as I had my kids. I didnt tel him I couldnt go. He texted a sad face and i texted him a “maybe next time” I told him to have fun and to be safe. Since then our contact has been strictly about work. Trying NC is so hard when we work together. I feel like he misses me then he calls me to his office so that he can he can see me then I dont hear from him. How do I turn this around? These mixed signals are hard to deal with.

admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:24 pm

He just stopped contacting you permanately.
Yvi

March 29, 2015 at 5:24 pm

I felt him pulling away then we a great werkend where it felt like it did in the beginning. The next day he stopped responding to me. Two days later he texted me that we needed to talk. The talk never happened and he coninues to tell me he wants to talk. He told me he missed me and again asked me when I wanted to talk. There are scheduling issues as we both have kids but we setup a day and time and It does not happen and it is akways because I do not hear from him. He doesnt always apologize but he has lately along with some dumb excuse. I really do not expect that to ever happen. I really have no expectations at this point but he continues to contact me every now and then and even invited me out last week. I love him so much and I would love to work it out. I dont think he knows what he wants so I just left him alone. I do respond to him when he contacts me but I am so confused. I dont even get happy anymore when he contacts me becuz It is followed by days if silence.

M.

March 28, 2015 at 2:42 pm

Hi Chris,
Your book is so insightful. My situation is getting me down as I have to make a decision about meeting my ex soon.
After 5 weeks of no contact I met my ex of 5yrs, (6 mth break up) the no contact was after previously hooking up, then nothing and him being weird afterwards while not giving me closure or wanting to discuss the separation but still wanting to hang out as friends. (My bad on the hooking up). This all happened after him getting upset that I would not meet him. He texted me a few times saying that he missed me during the holidays when I had asked him to let me move on. I did have the upper hand but blew it.
A week after the hook up I confronted him and he said that he loves me but can’t see a future anymore. We left on good terms. I can be proud as he was the one who left in tears and I kept it together.
After that I cut him off except for an email about a home issue. 10 days later, I got a text that he had some very bad news, I was away at the time and answered a call from him. The next two days I let him offload his bad news on me. He also asked how I was but to be honest he was more caught up in himself so I gave short answers. When I returned I took distance & started to ignore him and not replying to texts asking if I was back. I had lost my battery charger which looking back helped as I was offline for 24hrs, so couldn’t reply.
Two weeks later he sent 2 sweet texts in one week to see how I was & also an unnecessary email with a question that he already knew the answer to, I think he was testing if I was actually ignoring him. I stood my ground & then a week later another mail. I replied to that one mail as it was important, this opened up the door to texts from him.
Last week late one night I was out with some girlfriends and ironically enough I had a guy pestering me via text to meet up with him, I was getting so annoyed that I decided to block him and guess what, my phone beeped again, it was my ex asking how I was and asking to make an appointment to meet up with me for a drink. This is not his style. I was shocked to say the least at that moment.
As I do not want to be friend zoned again I let him wait. I also have to decide if I am ready emotionally to see him. Anyway, a few days later I replied to a new text from him about a business situation which led to a few hours of back to back texting. I offered that he could have dinner soon and his reply was that he would really like that and can we please keep contact. The conversation was a playful 50/50. He suggested days for when we should meet and we have agreed on a evening together soon. He even suggested seeing me at a social event before the planned dinner. I declined as it would be too weird right now.
Here’s the issue. Now that I have agreed to meet up with him next week it’s like I have lost the control and the power is now in his hands. I can still back out at any stage and I have a back up plan as to how I can get out of it if necessary. Is this a guy that misses his friend now that she is moving on ? or is it a guy that is maybe having regrets. He also knows that I have been out on other dates. He is on a sabbatical now so maybe he just has too much time on his hands. Once again, while waiting, I’m sticking to my, let him contact me 1st again. He seems to really want to see me however, I have had this experience before with him but came on to strong and of course the hook up. Each time it’s like 10 steps backwards for me. What do u think Chris ?

admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:25 pm

Thanks for the kind words.

I don’t think you are ten steps backwards and I don’t necessarily think he has all the control.

You could always back out and reschedule… there is power there.
M.

April 4, 2015 at 9:37 pm

Hi again Chris,
Thank u for your advice. I would love your follow up input on my situation. It crosses so many subjects from mixed signals, to friend-zoning.. Emotional attachments.
I went ahead with meeting my ex. It was an amazing evening in the sense that we were both super relaxed time with each other. I had so much fun and he actually put in some effort. We spent an entire evening laughing and joking and chatting. He said that I looked amazing and that he could not get over how happy I am.
During dinner he discussed some fears that he has over his work situation. I was as honest as possible and caring in my advice to him. He then told me that that’s why he was so desperate to see me. I am the only one that understands him 100%. That I know him more than his best friends and family and he needed to see me because of that. He held my hands over the dinner table every so often, I smiled a lot when he did it to show my ‘approval’, & he was almost taking over the table to do so. I wasn’t cold but I didn’t do the same back and also didn’t pull away. I even caught him check me out a few times. It was like the old days the sparkle was there or maybe it was just comfort. He gave me out of the blue tight hugs when he had to stand up from the table.
Here’s the thing, when he was leaving he told me that he was scared that he might get emotional. When I asked why, He said that it is about his life situation and fears for the future. I remained very positive and calm and in a very nice way let him know that I am here for him and he can trust me with everything but I also have my own life to live and he agreed with me. During dinner he offered to join me to a movie that I really want to see. I didn’t ask and on departing we agreed that we should have another night like this.
Part of me thinks that it is just because he has so much time on his hands and he needs to confide in me. My feelings are because, normally he would give me a small cute kiss on the mouth when leaving, nothing sexual. This time he really avoided face contact but commented on my perfume on how it gave him good flash backs.
We have spoken since. I made the contact this time as I wanted to keep it rolling and light hearted. The proof that I am happy. Now I feel like I should hold back again. Am I being friend-zoned ? Should I ignore his mixed signals and do the same back and continue being the ungettable girl.
A short no contact when he is in a sad situation worked because he needed advice. The previous ‘real’ no contact didn’t shake anything in him only that he missed me in his life but not enough.
I’m Confused 🙁

Cathy

March 28, 2015 at 6:38 am

Hi Chris,

Was wondering if I could get your opinion. Not sure what to do.
The story- I was with a fellow for only a short while. We both ended up having to go away briefly afterward. So after a short time we were doing a long distance which didn’t end well. He said it wasn’t what he wanted. We hung up the phone, I did no contact and he suddenly reappeared (5 weeks later).
We were hanging out for another 6 months after that. He knew I wanted more, he said he wanted to see where it went and wanted to get to know me as friends. Then once again, it was too hard for him and told me he only wanted to be friends.
So many mixed signals just gave me so much hope. I feel like I did everything right, but still went no where. He never really coped well with everything going on in my life, (I’m busy with study, move a lot, parents are old and needing help)
The last contact I had was over a month ago and didn’t end angrily after we talked and the last text I received was pleasant ending with “I call this da da da day” which never happened.
I haven’t heard from him since.
I’ve read a lot of your stuff. It’s been so helpful, but right now, I still care about him but feel like I’ve got no room to move with it. The friends thing is feeling like a cop out and I’m almost certain if I contact him he will think, is she trying to get me back?
So this is twice now I’ve done NC. Hard to switch it off but do you think I should move on?
Be great to get someone else’s opinion!

Thanks 🙂

admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:30 pm

Hmm…

Do you see a realistic future with him?
Cathy

March 30, 2015 at 8:43 am

Thanks Chris,

That is actually all I needed! Love your work, sorting out clueless females everywhere!

🙂
admin

March 31, 2015 at 10:16 pm

Hey, you guys have done plenty for me too so it’s a win-win! 😉

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