Decoding Mixed Signals From Your Ex Boyfriend - Based On Real Life Scenarios

599 thoughts on “Decoding The Mixed Signals From Your Ex Boyfriend”

C

October 3, 2015 at 4:40 am

what do i do if he doesn’t want a relationship now, but “who knows what will happen, now im not ready at this point in time” and wants to be friends. but friends do not flirt or act keen.

I think some girl likes him and has been getting close with him again as a friend… but yeah i feel threaten.. they were friends before and he didn’t ask her out because he wasn’t interested. so why now right? not sure… it’s a worry.
Platinum

October 1, 2015 at 10:01 pm

Hey Chris! I have some questions for you. 🙂

My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago. We’re both 20 and we were together for 19 months. I did the no contact rule (the extended one because 30 days weren’t enough for me to heal), and on day 43, he initiates contact with me (yes, he took 43 days after the breakup to reach out to me). After asking me how I was doing and all, he asks me “Look, do you think I should delete the naughty pics?” to which I answered “Maybe it’s better if you do.” and he said “Okay :)”
Around two hours of silence later our conversation goes like this:
Him: “Did you delete mine? :P”
Me: “Why do you ask?”
Him: “I just want to know. :)”
Me: “I gotta go to bed now, I gotta get up early tomorrow.”
Him: “Okay then 😀 Get some rest :D”

You can see I made a cliffhanger there, like you taught me to. 😛 The thing is, this was almost 2 weeks ago, and since then my ex didn’t start another conversation with me. Is this a mixed signal? I mean, he was very clear when he broke up with me, saying he didn’t feel the same about me anymore, and he deleted our anniversary pics soon after the breakup. So, why did he bring such a delicate subject to me out of the blue? And why did he become so silent towards me? Is he waiting for me to start a conversation with him?

I hope you can answer my questions. I really like the advice you give. You’re very detailed and I love that. 🙂
confused

September 8, 2015 at 11:44 pm

Hey Chris,
I am so confused. After my ex broke me apart saying that he didn’t love me, he went off the grid for a bit. i broke NC and messaged him 3 weeks later, he was nice but formal. Then, he went back into NC. Then yesterday (about 2.5 weeks later) he messages me asking if I was okay. We talked for a little bit and he said he had a nightmare about me and was concerned and that’s why he messaged me. So everything was fine until i saw he defriended me later that day! I asked him why he defriended me in a friend, relaxed kind of way. He told me that he kept staring at my profile and it’s serving as a distraction. He needs to focus on getting his life back together. So I told him to call me, and he did. We talked and I told him I was confused about his actions. He told me that he feels he needs to defriend me but that we are cool. And then we texted the rest of the day, we flirted.. but he seemed to back track what he would say. He told me that we can get together further down the road and when I asked him about what he had said about him not loving me and us not working out, he just said that I meant we can get further down the road as friends. I think that he keeps second guessing himself… and just the fact that he defriended me on facebook? What do I do?
Rachel

September 4, 2015 at 7:31 am

So the other day I sent my ex a message. After I found out about a little fib he was telling about me. The message showed as read. You know the little face icon you get on messenger. Then at about 8 pm last night all of the sudden it showed unread. I think my ex changed the read status after he realized I could see he read it. Why would he do that? They say that there is always one person in control after a break up. Does this mean it’s me? I’m sorry but this might seem mean. Instead of being upset I can’t stop laughing about it.
Karen

August 26, 2015 at 12:06 am

My ex and I dated for a year. Our relationship while we were dating was great. We did everything together, and even spent holidays together. When he broke up with me, I thought I would never see him again. But a few months went by and he came back in my life wanting to get back together. From there we were on and off again for another year. In the last three months he told me that he just wanted to be friends and I agreed. But the pattern continued of wanting to be with me and then disappearing again. I do not know if I should continue waiting for him to come back into my life because I still care for him very much and want him back. But him coming and going out of my life hurts me emotionally. What should I do and how do I know if he is using me or not? How do I know if he still has feelings for me?
Tammy

August 7, 2015 at 11:52 pm

Hi Chris, my last boyfriend and I were together for three years. The third year being on and off due to him moving away for work. I ended moving as well for work and lived 30 minutes from him. No, I wasn’t following him, I lost my previous job and a great opportunity arose there. We both did some things that was immature and ended up fighting more than anything. This was both of our first serious relationship. We talked about marriage, kids and a future together. The last time we talked was three months ago. Since then, no contact at all. Out of the blue he contacts me to say he has a new girlfriend and he needs to talk to me because he needs closure and he will always have feelings for me. Then told me that this talk(if I agreed to talk) would be when him and hi girlfriend got back from their trip to Mexico. A trip we talked about taking. I was trying to get over him. Now all these emotions are staring to resurface. I don’t know why he feels he needs to get closure, especially if he’s moved on already. I’m hoping you may be able to show me some insight. I don’t know if I should talk to him, however, I do still have feelings for him. So very confused right now!!
Lauren

July 30, 2015 at 9:59 am

Hi, me and my boyfriend broke up about two months ago out of the blue for me. I thought we were really good however we’d just finished our finals and therefore hadn’t spent as much time together. Over this revision period he said that something had changed and he didn’t have any feelings for me anymore so ended things. However for a good month and a half we were in constant contact, flirting, texting, face timing for about 4 hours at a time. Then he asked me to go away with him on work. Throughout this time we had had a couple of conversations where he had been clear he still had no feelings for me ect. But I went, and things were a bit hit and miss sometimes we he came across hot sometimes cold. We ended up sleeping together that night. Despite him openly telling me he had been speaking to other people. The next day when we were back at home he re affirmed that he still felt nothing for me so I decided to carry out no contact. All was going well and I was feeling better, I hadn’t told him what I was doing just didn’t reply to him. Anyways a few days in he starts snap chatting me specific questions, then asking me why I’m ignoring him ect. That night he went out and sent me a text at 4.30 asking why I was ignoring him. I stayed strong and didn’t reply. The next day he tried to ring me three times and snap chatted me more asking why I wasn’t talking to him. A little way later I caved and tried to ring him back. No answer. He snap chatted saying that I’d ‘missed my chance’ so I asked why he was ringing me and he said because he wanted to know why I was ignoring him, to which I replied that I still was, and then I asked him about some money he owed me from the weekend. Ever since he has been silent. I really want to talk to him as I feel like now he knows I’m ignoring him he’s very angry and I have missed my chance at ever reconnecting. Just after we’d first broke up he told me that cutting him off wouldn’t work, as I said to him about still talking and how it gave me mixed signals and if he had no intentions of feeling anything for me again that I would not talk to him for a while. I don’t know what to do help me!

Fatema khondker

August 8, 2015 at 6:39 am

Literally, start being friendly with him.

Move on, without moving on.
Which means, realize what kind of guy he is.
He’s willing to sleep with you, and use you and say he has no feelings.
Do you really want a guy like that?
In the long run, someone who doesn’t love you but uses you.
Now, if you really want him back.

Do this.

Feel better, keep feeling better.
And most of all be happy.
And the best thing right now, is to meet other guys.
Not to date around or fuck around to make him jealous.
It’s to make sure your life doesn’t revolve around him.
And you’ll gain perspective as well, on your life and see if that guy is really for you.
So many guys, if he’s treating you as a second option,
A side hoe

Why are you treating him like the main?

ANNE

July 27, 2015 at 4:21 am

Hello Chris..
Read your articles
it’s really helping me to feel better.
Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years just broke up yesterday.
I broke up with him, as i found him flirting with many girls via Facebook and whatsapp. For me it’s cheating. Is it normal for boyfriends to flirt?

Fatema khondker

August 8, 2015 at 6:41 am

If I slap you with my right hand, instead of my left hand are you still getting slapped?
No its not normal.
😀
If you flirted with other guys would he be okay with it?
If he is, it means he’s not serious about you,
or you’re in an open relationship.

It is cheating. It’s not normal.

You want someone as loyal as you, not someone whos messing around.

Laura

July 13, 2015 at 2:44 am

Hey Chris! I went through the full 30 days NC and had been getting very positive responses since we began contact again at the end of June. Very flirt texts, and we even saw each other in person twice (but with groups of friends) where he was all of the following: jealous of one of my guy friends, flirty, tried to kiss me, danced with me, only had eyes for me and kept trying to be beside me. Today I sent him one of the texts that is a little riskier because it’s meant to remind him of sexy times together, and for the first time ever I got no response. What could this mean?
Marisa

July 4, 2015 at 5:14 pm

Hey Chris!

My ex and I go to the same college and we met and started dating near the end of the school year a little over a year ago. Things were going well for us but not so great for him and after about a month, he broke up with me due to stress from work and family troubles, not knowing what he wanted in anything in his life, hating being home/feeling depressed, and us not being able to see each other due to car problems and money. He also said that he realized he didn’t see us together in the future and he didn’t think he was going to be able to come back to school in the fall due to financial issues, but that he still wants to be friends.

He ended up taking the last year off from school and working but we have kept in touch, seeing each other some when he comes to visit our mutual friends at our school, and talking on and off, with some flirting and drama and periods of no contact implemented by me. He plans to come back to school in the fall and is very excited. We got to hang out in a group of our mutual friends before a concert back in April and have been talking on and off since. So since April, he’ll text me every couple weeks and we’ll text for a little bit (a few hours or a few days) and then he’ll stop responding mid-conversation, which really bothers me. He’s said we should do this and this when we’re back in Boone and I’ve agreed. I’m still not sure though if he wants to just be friends or if he might want to get back together; I just have no idea what he’s thinking. Some friends that I talk to about it think that he’s just trying to keep me as an option, based on his inconsistencies in texting and mixed signals, but I’m hoping that he’s just trying to keep up the connection until we get back to school and then will try to move things forward to get back together.

Any idea why he randomly stops texting me back after reaching out? (I always let him be the one to reach out to me since he’s the one who always stops responding first). Do you think that he’s trying to keep me as an option or a back up plan (in a bad way in that I deserve better), or do you think he’s just waiting to see until we get back to school (because he’s still not 100% sure of what he wants, or he’s scared, or any other reason)? Any idea what he might be thinking? Do you think that I should let him know that it bothers me when he doesn’t text me back mid-conversation yet will start up another conversation weeks later without any mention of the previous one? Any advice?

I feel like I may have left out important details but I tried to make this as short as possible, even though it’s still kinda long haha.

Thanks so much! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Marisa

July 15, 2015 at 2:12 am

Also I meant to say that he was going to be in the town our school is in for a concert, and to go to the picnic.
Marisa

July 15, 2015 at 2:10 am

Thanks for the response Chris! A couple hours after I posted my last comment, he snapchatted me that night (we had snap chatted and texted the night before too), and we were going back and forth, and then he called me just to catch up (we never talk on the phone since we broke up, only text). We only talked for a few minutes though because he was with his friends and they were about to go somewhere else, and he said he just wanted to catch up since we haven’t talked much and wish me a happy 4th of July. When he had to go, he said to text him if I can so I did, so we texted for a little while before I went to bed.

I know what you’re saying about me ending the conversation first, but here’s my dilemma. Back in February he came up to visit our school for the weekend. We talked about hanging out but we didn’t end up getting together. After he left, he texted me three times in the next week. 1st conversation, he apologized for us not being able to hang out, we talked, and then he stopped responding randomly. 2nd conversation we ended the conversation with good night. 3rd conversation, I stopped texting him back. Then he didn’t text me again. The next time we talked was 2 months later when I texted him to meet up with me and our friends before the concert. He had seen on Facebook that some of our mutual friends and I were going to be in the town where he lives for a concert and he commented that he wanted to meet up with us and hang out if we could before the concert. I didn’t reply on the Facebook post because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him or not. But a few days later, I decided that I wanted to so I texted him and told him the plan, so we all got together and hung out before the concert.

I think since he was the one to initiate all the conversations, AND I stopped replying first, I think he probably thought I didn’t want to talk to him (which I actually didn’t because I was kind of upset with him, but I don’t know if he knew I was upset because I didn’t really show it). So basically I’m scared if I stop responding first, he won’t text me again. And then I’ll have to initiate the next conversation, and I was trying to let him be the one to do that :/ It’s just if he is interested, I don’t want him to think I’m not interested and stop trying. But at the same time I don’t want him to know that I’m interested because I don’t want to get hurt again if he still just wants to be friends.

He also texted me last Thursday and asked if I would be in the town our school is in this weekend. I’m home for the summer and wasn’t going up there that weekend so I said I wouldn’t be there and asked why. He said he was just gonna let me know that the church we go to there was having a picnic on Sunday, on the off chance I’d be there. I feel like he wanted to see me but didn’t want to come out and say it so tried to make it sound really casual if you know what I mean. So basically, IF he is interested, I feel like he might be hesitant because he doesn’t know if I’m interested.

What do you think about the texting dilemma? Or any of this haha?
Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:54 pm

Haha seems like he is ending the conversations first. You need to be doing this to him.

Jen-Jen

June 30, 2015 at 5:17 am

Hi Chris. Been 6 mos & your plan was working great, but slowly due to new gf. She found out we were talking & made him block me 1 1/2 mos ago on the phone. it’s not a full block tho, but he hasn’t reached out & I sent him an email & got no response. It had been almost 3 weeks back into NC when he brought her to my yoga class this week. He knows it’s the same night & time Ive been going to for the last 6 mos. I was w/ a guy friend & I’m down 20 lbs look hotter than ever, so it was perfect. They sat next to us & were cordial w/ us. He pretended to put all his attention on her, but kept making excuses to ask me questions about the moves. I’m confused on how to handle. I really thought he was trying to be serious w/ her, but after seeing him, I’m confused to what he’s thinking.

Fatema khondker

August 8, 2015 at 6:45 am

You’re playing a really dangerous game right now,
Just word of advice.
Don’t become the other woman, with him getting benefits without you getting the benefits of being a girlfriend

Kayla

June 30, 2015 at 2:04 am

My ex and I have been broken up for about 4 months but agreed to talk as friends about a month ago. Everything seemed fine, I was even starting to accept the fact it was over and he didn’t have feelings for me anymore. That was until 5 days ago when he started being super flirtacious and I caved in and we sexted. We did that for a couple of days and even flirted and talked about getting back together in the future. And of course out of nowhere he starts acting distant and says he’s not sure if he feels as strongly about me as I do for him and that we were getting way too emotional. We agreed to continue to be friends but he knows I still have feelings for him and he didn’t necessarily deny that he didn’t want to get back together in the future. We said we will cross that bridge when we get to it. He continues to initiate contact with me for the most part, but not flirtacious. I just don’t even know where to go from here. Should I put him in the friend zone? Go back into NC? I am continuing to be the UG, but we are also Long distance right now so I don’t know how to show him. I feel like I’ve went through a second heart break since it seemed I was getting him back, only to have him slip through my fingers. Help???
Kayla

June 30, 2015 at 1:55 am

Chris, have you thought about making like a forum or chat room for the exboyfriendrecovery nation followers? Maybe that way it could help us with what we are going through even more! We could all talk about our breakups, what we’ve tried. What works what doesn’t work. And even success stories! Just an idea:)

Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:36 am

Not a bad idea.

I might end up doing that in the future.

I think thats kind of where the progression of things may end up going.

MelMel

June 16, 2015 at 4:18 am

Hey Chris, i have been dealing with a bunch of confusing stuff for the past 3 1/2 years involving my ex. So i dated this guy for 9 months, and we were each others first love, we lost our virginity to each other, we talked about moving in together, kids, the works. When he broke up it was because he was a senior in high school and he wasn’t doing so hot meaning he wouldn’t graduate on time. He had to go to school during his regular time plus night school to make up credits to be able to get his diploma. So the reason we broke up was because he was gonna be at school everyday and also have homework on top of that meaning he wouldn’t have time for me. Perhaps i should mention he lived 45 min away if traffic wasn’t horrible so we rarely saw each other. 6 months after the break up he gets back with his ex girlfriend, which of course i was heart broken but i moved on and went on dates as well. Since we broke up back in 2012 he disappears for 6-8 months and randomly shows up in my life, through the internet or phone, he even joined my conversation while i was playing online on the ps3. Every time he reconnects with me he always talks about how he is sorry for being gone and how he is going to put more effort into our friendship no matter what and it usually only lasts for a couple of days then hes gone again. He also talks about how he never wanted to break up with me and how he only did because he didn’t want me to be miserable having a bf that wasn’t there because of the distance and school. He always brings up memories of us and how i was perfect for him. Me being dumb i always fall for it and we end up hanging out for a bit and chatting but nothing romantic in person. Until one day sept. of 2013 he told me everything about how he felt and how in the future after he figures all of his ish out (moving out, college, jobs, ect) out then he would be ready to date again. Beginning 2014 he lived on his own and had everything figured out, but he had a gf he was staying with, so as any normal person i just left him alone, i was in my own happy relationship. He pops out of no where want to talk after not hearing from him for 7 months i was confused but up for a conversation. We’re just talking as friend and out of nowhere he said he cant talk to me anymore because he’s living with his girlfriend and it wasn’t fair to either of us….. but i wasn’t the one that started the conversation. I told him we were just friends and i had a guy of me own, but i got no response. Randomly on the first week of 2015 he joins my group chat on the ps4… which led to me freaking out at him for doing the popping in and out of my life stuff, at this point i had him blocked on everything (well i thought i did) and he said how he was sorry and how he tried to explain to his gf that we were just friends but she kept pushing for him to send that last message to me and not to respond. Now, during this whole time frame his friends have been telling me how he checks my facebook and other counts online, he asks about me, he talks about me non-stop and i’m over here thinking he doesn’t give two F’s about me. His friend who i’m friends with keeps saying how his current relationship is horrible and how with me it wouldn’t be like that…. all i don’t understand is if he wants me so bad why doesn’t he just try to be with me. I would love some help and advice to know what is going on in his head because i’m beyond confused, he wants me, he doesn’t. Every time i’m starting to move on with me life and he starts to dwindle away from my thoughts he shows up unexpectedly. If you read this long message thank you so much. I really need an experts view on this whole shenanigans.
Nessa

June 11, 2015 at 4:13 am

Hi Chris,
So my boyfriend and I recently started talking again after him calling it quits for two weeks. He tends to be sending me mixed signals he calls me on a daily basis and tells me he loves me and things seem to be good. He will ask to hang out with me on his days off but when we do see each other he acts distant and shows no affection whatsoever like before. He tells me things but his actions don’t add up. Every time I try talking to him about it he laughs at my questions or sadoes t want to tal about it. He is a very difficult person to communicate with him. I’m not sure why he’s doing this.
Tina

June 8, 2015 at 9:56 pm

Hey, Chris! I’m in a bit of a sticky situation in terms of mixed signals and whether I will be able to even speak to my ex once No Contact is up, but I believe you might be able to help me with this.

My ex and I were together for almost a year (I’m 19, he’s almost 21.) Towards the last few weeks of our relationship, we were on a rather bumpy road – so bumpy, he tried breaking up with me four times! Once we had an intervention and came to a compromise, he and I were finally happy together. He seemed more relaxed and acted more in love with me than ever. Despite our problems getting resolved, his father broke us up about a week ago and forbade my ex from talking to or seeing me, saying that we both needed to “focus on our futures” and “right now isn’t the best time for a relationship.” (My ex still lives with his parents, so he has to obey them unless he wants to get kicked out, and he can’t financially afford that.) Two days after that, I proposed to keep seeing each other in secret since neither of us wanted to break up, and my ex eagerly agreed, saying that it was getting harder to get through the day without me and how he felt so unmotivated without me as well. We met up a couple of days after his father broke us up, and he said everything mixed signal #3 said (along with “I really want to be with you,” “you are the woman of my dreams,” “I want us to stay together no matter what,” etc.)

Unfortunately, his parents found out the next day about us sneaking around to see each other, so that resulted in a nasty Facebook message from my ex: “These are the last words you’ll hear from me. My parents found us out. We’re not to meet again. We are through. By the time you have read this message, you will have been deleted and blocked from everything. Goodbye.” After that, my number was blocked, my Facebook was blocked…even some of our mutual friends blocked me! Also, according to one mutual friend I still talk to, he has made it clear via status update(s) that he is either trying to forget about me or is even happy about our break-up…

A huge part of me believes that he is extremely angry and hurt, so he is taking out his frustration on me because he probably blames me for the hell his parents are putting him through right now due to him being disobedient. I also did something that he viewed as an invasion of privacy, so that most likely added fuel to the fire. With that being said, I am implementing NC for around five weeks (currently on day four) so he has time to cool down and will be more susceptible to talk to me. As much as I am willing to do whatever it takes to make amends and possibly get back together, I am a little discouraged to continue because of what my friend told me about the behavior he’s demonstrating immediately after our break-up. Do you believe he is just acting on anger right now and will come around after I give him space, or do you believe he might have been lying all along about wanting to stay with me and used his parents as a “scapegoat” for finally kicking me out of his life?
Suzie

June 8, 2015 at 1:52 pm

Hi Chris!
I was with my boyfriend for over two years. We were both struggling with depression, but could always help each other up. We always understood each other, never fought, though we did struggle sometimes when one of us had a dark moment. I felt safe with him and trusted him a lot. I still love him and never met anyone friend or otherwise in all the 27 years of my life.. He knew all my faults and I knew his. We cried together, we laughed together. According to friends we were the perfect couple, this Easter his siblings started calling me their soon-to-be sister-in-law. We planned to move in together in the fall. In short: I thought we were happy.

Until recently, I also was never jealous, despite him having a lot of female friends, one of them even staying at his place for a couple days. I knew I could trust him and they were just his friends. Then, after he was away for two months for an internship, he arrived late because he met up with a girl, who started studying at the same university we’re at, but just transferred somewhere else, because she didn’t feel like having friends here. Their contact started when she asked him (her mentor), where to get her grades and stuff to sort out her transfer. He told me, he thought that maybe if they’d have talked more she’d have stayed, since they got along so well. He was just back a week, when she visited (apparently to see a mutual friend of them, but that friend apparently was so busy, the girl had to spend the whole day alone with my ex. I was invited to join in the evening, when my ex and I wanted to meet anyway). When she was gone I told him I felt jealous, and felt like she was here for him, he told me I didn’t have anything to worry about, maybe she was here for him and had a crush, but he didn’t. He only liked her as a friend.

That week he also told me he thought a lot during his time away and he might change the university for his master degree. Surprise, one of the contenders is the one she studies at. Even though it meant we wouldn’t move in together this fall. It was okay since studies were more important and a professor he liked was teaching there. He told me he was sorry for not moving in with me, but he wanted us to have a LDR, because it was worth it to him and after the two years we’d move someplace together. It would work.

A couple of days later I found my ex standing in front of my door crying, telling me he was broken. We hugged tightly and then he went on – he was broken because he wasn’t in love with me anymore, and only loved me platonically. He said rationally I was the perfect woman in the world for him, he didn’t know if he would ever meet someone like me again, but he just didn’t feel it anymore. It wasn’t because of the girl, he repeated what he said a week earlier and stood by it, even as I said it would be easier for me, if that was the case. I begged him not to do this and under tears he told me repeatedly he didn’t want to do it. I said he shouldn’t break up with me then, and sort of convinced him to give us another chance. We didn’t want to see each other too much for a while and make every moment special. He didn’t want to talk to others about it, so he wouldn’t jinx it. But only a week after the not-breakup, we met at my place, he was dressed up, bowtie and all, and we just started cooking, when he broke up with me indefinitely because it didn’t work for him. I threw him out. That was 5 weeks ago.

First I reacted, begging him, then I found your site. We saw each other again two days later, to exchange little stuff we needed (not everything, because according to him my stuff is good where it is), for this we met at his place, pictures of us together were still up on the wall. And I followed your advice and wanted to make it short, like a business transaction, he almost started crying and wanted me to stay for coffee. But I went anyway. I started NC, but only lasted for 2 weeks until I caved and replied. He was worried I’d hurt myself and even asked my friends. From then on we talked sometimes. I never wrote the first text and let him wait a little before I replied every time and used other texting tips form here and from your book. We talked nicely, even remembered the day my sister and I went to a concert, despite not talking to him about that for months. I worked on myself, met up with friends, enjoyed my hobbies, worked on my degree etc. I had hope, that we could mend it and our problems were just his fear because it became more serious.

Today he texted me that the girl stayed with him for the weekend, while there was a congress in town and something developed between them. He says it wasn’t planned and he doesn’t know what it is yet, but wanted me to know so I wouldn’t find out by someone else. I didn’t reply and I’m going into NC now. Even ignoring his birthday next week, and planning to stick to it the whole 30 day.

But I feel broken and lied to. If he would have said so at the beginning, it would’ve been easier. I question everything and feel like I just wanted to believe him. I feel worthless, because he could replace me so fast.

I’m really sorry for rambling. But I want to ask you, if you think I have a chance to get him back?

And a stupid NC question, because we are both unstable. I don’t want him to think I’m weak and hurting myself. I don’t want to be the person, he feels like he has to get back to because I’d hurt myself if he doesn’t, because I’m not that person and that wouldn’t be the right reason. How should I go on with NC if he worries a lot?

Do you think, all the stuff he said is just a lie or could he have meant it? Especially with his actions hurting so much more than his words.

Thanks for everything!
Suzie
Shannon

June 6, 2015 at 2:10 am

Chris,

My boyfriend/best friend/love of 1.5 years left four weeks ago. Over the past many months I have seen him slip into a shell of himself. Losing interest in friendships and exercise, severe loss of interest/ability in sex (though he did describe to me that he had a “moderate porn addiction,” not having the energy to do much other than naps and using his computer, not taking care of his health… It’s been sad to see, as he is a vibrant and driven man, normally. However, he has confided in me that he’s been in this situation before. He’s never sought professional help for it – a source of pride, but he does have a history of depressive periods.

We have always been a very mature and loving couple. Honestly, I’ve never been so happy in my life as I have with this man. He was everything I have ever wanted. I’ve been in unhealthy relationships before, and this one was SO refreshingly different. We had many discussions about marriage, children, and our intentions for the future. I was willing to give him the time to decide for himself that he was ready to get help for his depression. Sometime around 4 months ago he began to say he was no longer sure he ever wanted children or marriage. Even during this time, he made me feel very secure in his love for me. I believed that this was coming from a place of depression, and not the “real him,” so I was willing to be patient. We are in our early 30s, and I didn’t think this is the kind of change of mind one just makes overnight when it’s something you have always wanted. He had insisted to me that, despite these feelings, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Fast forward to four weeks ago – he had been away at work for two weeks (his normal work schedule is two on, two off). I was out of town when he returned, so a couple of days later he was picking me up at the airport. I was so excited to see him. However, in the car ride home, he proceeded to end things. No discussion, no chance to work on things, no warning… I did not see it coming whatsoever. He had my things from his house packed up, asked for his keys back, and that was that. He mentioned his lack of interest in seeing people (including me and his friends) as being unfair to me, talked about how he hated the person he was becoming, and that he NEVER saw himself being married or having a family with anyone. He thinks he’ll be alone forever. It’s all just so sad and hopeless. He ended by saying he needed to do the right thing before he “cheats on me physically or emotionally.”

That really threw me. By the next day or two, he was seeing someone else. An easy target from his past. A rebound. He insists that he waited to end things. He insists that she is nothing more than a “distraction. Something to keep the tears away.” And he thinks that, since we are not together, there is nothing wrong with it. I am trying really hard not to make this about her, but about his depression. I am starting to wonder if I really knew this man I loved so much at all. I want to believe that I did, but this behavior is so hurtful. Am I just making excuses for him being a selfish person? Was the man prior to his slow decline the “real” man, or is this? Is this normal, self-destructive behavior of depressed men? How can he be with someone right now, when he was so emotionally crippled that he could hardly spend any time off of the couch? I imagine he is experiencing some small revival of his livelihood right now, feeling invigorated, having casual sex, getting out of the house… But that it will wear thin soon, the distraction will stop working, and he will still be his depressed self, only alone. I still have so much love and compassion, and the ability to forgive, but am I being naive?

He has given me the mixed signals of “I love you more than anyone, and I don’t think I’ll ever find someone like you, but I just need to be alone,” and “in a few months when my distraction no longer works, I’m going to have to deal with my pain, and I’m going to miss you and want to call you.” He has promised me that he would speak to a therapist, but that he needs to do it alone.

How on earth do I balance our former relationship, depression, and the way he ended things? It’s driving me mad. I have been NC for two weeks now. Was pretty sane and rational in our limited contact from the first two weeks, with him initiating much of it.
Me

June 4, 2015 at 6:29 pm

Hi Chris,

What about a mixed signal when a men is dealing with an extremely stressful situation that is consuming him (outside of relationship or non relationship)? His mixed signal is saying that he likes you, but can’t be in a relationship until he get’s better or the stress in his life has cleared up….but once that get’s better he would like to try again. Is this legit? Or an excuse,,,,

ME

June 8, 2015 at 2:39 pm

We started dating and it was going well. Then all of a sudden it seemed he pulled back out of the blue. I asked him about it and told him that I really iiked him and thought things were going well but he seemed hot and cold. He then told me that he was dealing with a groin injury and he was just really stressed out but he did like me also and wanted to keep dating and asked if I could be patient. I agreed but as time went on, I got frustrated that that things weren’t really progressing like I wanted. We talked again, he apologized and then told me that he really liked me, but the issue he was dealing with was not only affecting physically but mentally as well and he was going though a depression because of it. But he wanted to keep dating. So we did, and things progressed a bit and were good for awhile but then ended up breaking up after a fight about the amount of time we spend together 3 months ago. We’ve been back and forth about getting back together since, he is always wanting to talk but putting me off then we will talk but no resolution. He lives an hour away and works 10 hour days 5 days a week and is stressed out, exhausted, and says I have no idea what he’s dealing with. We have talked since about getting back together but we haven’t. He recently finally told me that he misses me and does like me a lot but can’t deal with being committed to someone until he is better….which is really unknown…. I thought that would be the last time we saw each other because I didn’t take it well and we had a huge blow out. He then messaged me a week later saying he was sorry and that he was sad about it too….and we are set to meet up and talk this week …What do you think? I do really like this guy, and he keeps going back and forth and changing his mind in regards to what to do about us. Do you think he’s using this as an excuse or Is there anything i can do to convince him to give us another go …. I don’t really know how to approach our meet up …
Me

June 4, 2015 at 8:13 pm

A more specific example of the stress related issue or the situation as a whole?
Chris Seiter

June 4, 2015 at 6:42 pm

CAn you give me a more specific example?

Christina

June 4, 2015 at 5:10 am

Hey Chris Im back…remember when I said i was so happy to get my ex back? Well I was so close to getting him back but it didnt actually happen. Three days ago he asked if he could meet up with me for the first time in 3 months after being broken up. I made many mistakes with this by rushing things and always being too available for him. I even kissed him the first day I saw him. For the past couple of days we have been flirting and talking about getting back together and have spent another day together after the day we first met up and we had a great time talking about how much we missed each other and what we did while we were away from each other. We even cried to each other and he said he might ask me to be his girlfriend sooner than I thought. Well yesterday he told me he wasn’t feeling that being together was right and that he would rather work his way up to being best friends with me. When I found out I was heartbroken and was over emotional the entire day. While he said he wanted to be my best friend he also says he has feelings for me still and that he does miss me but that we are unhealthy for each other. His reasoning for wanting to stay single is that he is in love with the idea of new relationships and the newness factor. He gets bored of every girl he meets very fast including me and I feel like no matter what I do I cant keep him interested in me. His reasonings for us being unhealthy for each other is that every time he hurts me and breaks my heart I always accept him back into my life too easily. I am now friendzoned and it is close to summer and all of our plans have been ruined from when we made them a few days ago. What do these mixed signals mean? Is there anything else I should do? Should I treat him like that gay best friend? Should I go back into no contact?

Chris Seiter

June 4, 2015 at 6:40 pm

I think the gay best friend thing would be effective.

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