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481 thoughts on “Desperation 101- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Without Looking Desperate”

  1. felicia

    December 3, 2014 at 1:33 am

    ever thought of writing an article on walking away? I think it would benefit alot ladies and i’ve actually seen this work for alot of people, but as for myself i lack the courage.

    1. admin

      December 3, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      Hmm… I LIKE IT!

      I may do just that but I have something unique planned for my next article.

  2. Selin

    November 24, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    Hi chris,
    Me and my boyfriend were dating for one and a half week. We were pretty much seem to be in love but we had a lot of fights. In the end he broke up with me over me saying he is not paying enough attention to me and instead hanging out with a ”girl friend” which happens to
    Be his bestfriend’s girlfriend’s bestfriend. Anyways he said he loves me and he is terribly upset but i’m an immature girl and broke it off. I didn’t beg but i did text him asking him to help me the rs and he was right but i acted thinking about us. He answered hours ago saying that ” it is not cool that you always understand your fault when it comes to this point” . I didn’t respond, because i thought i might back off and apply no contact. All my friends see him laughing with he girl we argued about when we were together. He also talks with girls on twitter publicly. He puts his selfies on snapchat story. I’m totally upset. He said he loved me but acting like i mean nothing. Since the rs was a short one should i use 30 days nc too? Or will it even make a difference, should i forget about him?

    1. admin

      November 25, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      Did he do any of this stuff the talking to girls on twitter and selfies on snapchat when he was with you?

    2. Selin

      November 25, 2014 at 3:38 pm

      the girls started to always include herself in his inner boy group but no, he never let me talk to guys and he didn’t mention girls and not used to put this much stories

  3. Katty

    November 20, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My long distance ex-bf of 7mos (8 hrs drive away) and i broke up 7 weeks ago. I did NC. He texted me once 5 days after breakup but i didn’t reply and he never initiated contact again. Texted him on my 26th NC day to give out free movie tickets. Finished NC and I started texting him esp he is in a nearby city doing a major sports event. He replies right away and we could txt for over an hour but mostly about him and his game, no sweet nothings. The other day he decided to stop by my city to meet up for coffee. So he picked me up at my place and we went out. I prepared for it, I lost 8kg and was very pretty and confident that he told me i looked good and beautiful and jokingly said i didn’t really have to prepare much. The first thing he asked was if I found anyone and I said most of them I really don’t like and just mentioned one who’s really interested in me in passing. I felt confident and usual me..he said he felt awkward and I told him I don’t bite haha and he felt comfy later. did a little bit of subtle flirting and touching. He was supposed to stay for an hour only but he extended up to 3 hrs with me including driving around places. Took him to a place near a lake and he bought me chocolate souffle, and I sat there under the sun. He came up to me and breathing heavily told me that he really wants to kiss me…and my bad we did a big romantic kiss. Then he confessed that he still really loves me and thinks about me all the time. When I asked him why he never contacted me, he said coz i didn’t reply when he txted me once and thought i didn’t wanna talk to him. He said he was very happy that I agreed to see him. We held hands and he planted small kissed on my head etc later. (he actually got a little “excited” there). He took me back home after lunch but at that moment he was so turned on and just couldn’t stop to be intimate. I said no im not his gf anymore but I still gave in for physical intimacy in the end. (im a virgin) He said he’s never dated coz he couldn’t afford it and he’s busy (but I know he got quite close to his 18 yo golf colleague after we broke up..I am 28 and he is 23.) and he said he wants “US” and have thought a lot about getting back with me BUT not until he gets himself sorted out being a pro in his sports coz at the moment he cant afford to have time to be with me even if he wanted to. I told him what if I’m not available when he’s ready and he said not to wait for him though and just do what I want. His issues were financial stability, busy schedule at this stage. I told him on my side I just needed to finish my job contract linked to my visa and after that I have the options to move with him. So we ended up in a pretty similar situation when we broke up, there’s nothing really bad in our relationship except the current priority is getting to where he wanted. As you can see I’m pretty much on that settling stage, good job and working on improving myself. I moved on a little bit before we met up but now that I know he still loves me, I am more confused whether I should keep holding on or just move on. I still fear that since I’m away his feelings will slowly drift away and be focused on people closer to him. It’s been 2 days and I haven’t heard from him. I made a mistake with the first meeting for not having self control after i’ve known he loves me still (coz he said he didn’t love me anymore 7 weeks ago) but since we are far apart i thought it was okay to give in. I don’t even know when i could see him again. I now feel a little bit used or deceived though or was I friendzoned or what? I have not contacted me yet. Pls help. thanks.

    1. admin

      November 24, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      Have you read my long distance guides?

  4. Leanna

    November 19, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    Hi there Chris,

    My situation is very confusing for me, the guy I am inquiring about I dont even know if he is my ex or still my bf. He had been away for work for 2 and a half weeks and we talked and texted everyday… We werent sure when he was coming home. He had a idea when he was back so he told me when, and his date of return kept getting pushed back… I was okay with this at first but it was slowly eating away at me… When he finally came back I was so excited and we misunderstood about when we would see each other… I lost my temper and lashed out at him ( Basically said I was very frustrated and hadnt seen him and was missing him) He hung up on me but returned the phone call afterwards… I apologized to him and then we made plans for the week… The next day I had sent him a text to let him know I would be off work early and asked if he wanted to get together earlier or keep the time we agreed on… He blocked me from Social media and from his phone a few hours after. I went without contact for the rest of the week…He has a set of my apartment keys and called him on the weekend and left a message stating that I wanted my apartment keys if he wanted to break up but if thats not what he wants then we needed to discuss the matter and work things through. I briefly talked to him a few days ago at his work over the phone ( I know bad move), I thought for sure he would hang up on me or tell me to F*ck off… but he was pleasent and couldnt talk at that moment but said he would call when he can… He never did call. I left it alone for 48 hours and attempted to call but I didnt leave a message as he knows what the issue is …. not sure what to think at all. Please give me some insight on this…. I have stopped calling since the last call I made which was two days ago… I intend to leave him be but the uncertainty of the relationship status is whats really bothering me.

  5. Nadia

    November 14, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    We broke up in August. I did the NC rule for a month, and then contacted him in September. He replied immediately and we talked for a few weeks. He said he wanted to be friends. Then all of a sudden he stopped replying to me. I tried contacting him for a few more weeks, and I got emotional. In an attempt to make up for my desperation, I did no contact for another month from October to November, and today is the completion date of my 2nd NC for one month period. What should I do?! I am so afraid of reaching out and getting ignored again, so I think I am going to stay in NC for longer. I miss him so much.

  6. Paige

    September 15, 2014 at 1:19 am

    Hi Chris. I have followed your guides & my ex and I have been talking again for the past 2 months. We saw each other twice. Last week we had a date & I messed up big time because I messed around with him & I know that was a mistake because I do not want to end up as friends with benefits. I tried to resist, but he was very persistant & we came very close to having sex but I stopped it, which he wasn’t too thrilled about. When we spoke again he told me how he can’t believe I wouldn’t go all the way with him and I told him that I don’t want to be friends with benefits and that there will be no more messing around like that since we are not in a relationship. He said ok, but then he hasn’t asked to hang out since then & I asked him why and he said that he needs to cool off because he can’t control himself when he is with me (he swears he hasn’t slept with anyone since me, which was like 9 months ago but i don’t know if i believe that, lol. I know he talks to other girls cause I saw 2 different girls call his phone when i was with him, but he claims he isn’t dating anyone). Anyways, I don’t really know what to do at this point. It’s obvious he still isn’t sure if he wants to get back together and it isn’t something I am pressing him about, I just want to spend time with him so he can remember the fun we had & see what he is missing, but now he is staying away because he wants to be physical and I won’t let it go there and now I am not sure what to do…He stills calls & texts, but I don’t know how to get another date? Any advice…also, did I ruin everything by messing around with him? I am so mad at myself for that šŸ™

  7. Emma

    September 5, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Hey Chris,

    Your posts have been very healing in my healing from my ex bf from last November..he left me for a younger woman (20 younger) I have nc too many times..the longest we went without texting 2.5 months.. I miss him so much! But I held strong and continue to work on myself.. Well just last week he texts me (after 2.5 of NC) and says he is thinking about me and has been thinking about me a lot ! Urggghhhh ! But he is still with her! What does it mean? I told him that I missed him and I think about a lot as well.. Does it mean he is confused? I feel like I’m on a string..he has since drop conversation with me.. I don’t think a guy would tell an ex gf “I think about you a lot ” if he was happy in a relationship?

    1. admin

      September 15, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      20 years younger???? You can’t be serious?

    2. Emma

      September 16, 2014 at 3:00 am

      I’m sorry let me clarify.. She is 25. He is 39. I’m 44. He is 15 years older then her.. She is 20 years younger than me…but it still hurts regardless no matter what age she is..you think sex played a big part in this?? I thought there was more to a relationship then sex? Like love respect for each other, faithfulness, patient and kindness , encourage one another ..that is how I treat my main man in my life..

    3. admin

      September 16, 2014 at 3:26 pm

      Thats gross on him… He could literally have a daugher that young…

    4. Emma

      September 16, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      Yup..Well they are still together after 10 months .. But he texted me that he misses our time together just a month ago and a text saying he is thinking of me a lot just 2 weeks ago.. Then he drops conversation after that.. Poof ! He’s gone..Urggghhhh .. I’m emotionlly exhausted ..I’m too old for this shit..

      Thanks Chris for listening ! Xxxx

    5. admin

      September 17, 2014 at 4:19 pm

      Sounds like they must have been having trouble during those times that he texted you.

    6. Emma

      September 17, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      I guess. I miss him.. I forgive him.. I want to just come home.. But I can let him go for him to be happy..

  8. Kalista

    September 4, 2014 at 1:42 am

    Hi Chris,

    It more or less ended last August, and we never communicated since then (other than my happy birthday message to him). I still have very strong feelings for him (he’s the only guy I’ve ever had feelings for) and I have not been able to move on.

    Since then, everytime he sees me at some private event (I usually ignore him and would only say hi or smile if we made eye contact). He would come over and talk with me, but at some point, he stopped doing this and started ignoring me too. The weird thing is that (according to the people who were with me at these events) he would always keep looking at me whenever I was not looking/whenever I was busy talking to people. I don’t get why he would do that; he could just come up to me and say Hi.

    We haven’t been communicating for the longest time. A couple of days ago, I stupidly listened to a friend and texted him randomly, asking him out to dinner. When I didn’t get a proper response, I lashed out at him (text transcript is as follows):

    Me: Hey what up! Wanna meet up for dinner? When are u free?

    Him: ???

    Me: What do you mean by ???. I didn’t send out the text erroneously

    <>

    Me (about 12 hours later): Wow – you really struggle with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ don’t you! It’s ok, maybe is always good. Maybe you will have a daughter one day and then you will realise how much pricks like you don’t deserve the time and day of any woman. Or maybe a woman will leave you for another man who is much more decent than you! Get over yourself ā€“ seriously.

    Him: Everything ok with you? Looks like you have some issues. Sorry to hear that
    Him: By the way, not interested in dinner!
    Him: And please, delete my number! Thanks a lot

    Me: Yes a lot of issues just like you do. No problem. Will do it gladly right now. Have a nice life

    Him: Tanks a lot!

    Me: Xxx

    Have I ruined my chances of getting him back permanently, plus my reputation? Or even being friends with him? I did it in a fit of anger, and it was stupid of me to have listened to other people.

    He is kind of seeing someone else now, and the thing that disturbs me the most is that she’s a plain jane, and very simple, so whatever they might have going on might be serious.

    The thing that caused us to go separate ways was his brother who hates me to the core. A former friend of mine (who always targets the guys I date, and it was worse for this one as he’s ultra good looking and successful; she wanted him for herself, looked him up and started spreading all kinds of rumours about me to him, his brother and their friends).

    I really need to resolve this. It’s been weighing in my mind for the longest time. Looking forward to your reply.

    Thanks.

    Kalista

    1. admin

      September 4, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      This woman sounds like a nightmare…

      You haven’t ruined your chances just give it some time. Rise above this pettiness going on right now.

    2. Kalista

      September 5, 2014 at 3:36 am

      Thanks for your reply, Chris. Did I push him closer to his new “potential” though? I haven’t deleted his number. Should I just be the UG (which I definitely was before I met him…everything went downhill when I developed feelings for him) and wait for him to get wind of it?

    3. admin

      September 5, 2014 at 12:37 pm

      expand on that a bit more how everything went downhill once you got feelings for him?

    4. Kalista

      September 6, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      I am more or less above average in the looks and brains departments, and I usually do not have a problem with confidence (don’t mean to sound arrogant or anything here). This is what drew him to me initially I guess. At some point, I just fell for him (this has never happened to me before, I’ve never developed such strong feelings for anyone). i ended up becoming self conscious, and nervous that I would say something that would turn him off (another first for me), and he noticed it (he would often tell me how I lack confidence, or how I have become a lot quieter than usual). We stopped seeing each other and communicating a year ago. Recently (this year), whenever I run into him, I get a panick attack (the shakes, cold sweat, I tense up etc…and he did notice – he’s very sharp, that was one of the reasons as to why I became very guarded, as I feel he’s constantly trying to read me).

      Should I stop contacting him permanently and just wait till he establishes contact? He did tell me to delete his number after all (and he didn’t really respond to my dinner request).

      Additionally, he has never accepted my Facebook friend request (I added him last year when things between us were still ok), so I withdrew it. This puzzles me, as he has girls that he has shagged/ had “relations” with on his friends list…

  9. Anna

    August 19, 2014 at 2:56 am

    My situation with my ex is different from most, or at least most I’ve read examples about, which makes it a bit hard for me to determine how to go about this. My situation (be prepared, this may be long):

    My ex and I began dating in November 2012, after meeting online and talking and clicking a bit. We’ve been dating up until June 28th of this year (2014). The reason he broke up with me was because we were more like friends than like lovers. I know this is true too, because at many points during our relationship, I felt the same way, but still liked him enough to keep it going. We lacked romance, intimacy, and even sex (thats mostly my fault for being so insecure). So, we had some interesting conversations but I will admit, it was more like a friendship. That didn’t stop me from really falling for him, and I do love him as a person, although I’m aware I can live without him. I didn’t fully open up to him emotionally and physically, and I feel so horrible about it. We were also sometimes distant (as in, only hung out every other week or few weeks!) because we’re both really busy college students (from different universities, although in the same city), and I worked on/off in the course of our relationship. We knew we had distance and communication issues, but its like neither of us addressed it, at least not in-depth enough. So when the day came, he broke up with me, and said he values me as a friend. I can’t even be mad at him or blame him because I fully understand why. We weren’t providing each other with as much happiness and satisfaction as we desired, but were instead just dragging it on. The problem now though? I do feel that I love who he is truly and I do want him back. If anything, I want him back because I know deep down in my heart that we had potential, that we could’ve been more, if only we had put in more effort.

    The situation now, post-breakup, that makes it worse? He only wants to be friends. Like, he’s bound on it, and we’ve texted (not as every-day as we used to), but it’s going to be harder for me now because I’ve already pressured him enough. The closest to the no contact rule I’ve come since we broke up was 3 weeks. I’ve been wanted to meet up since we broke up, and he’s avoided it, even admitted it because he didn’t want to face an awkward day. I’ve sent lots of messages in the first couple weeks especially, and told him about how I felt and how I regret it, and he feels sorry too, but still, says he wasn’t emotionally connected enough to me and he’s sorry and wishes he could do more.

    So last week, after realizing that pity won’t work and I’ve got to be cool, esp as a friend, I told him, I want to set aside all of the things I’ve been begging to tell him in person (I told him they’re things I cant say in a text), and that I’d like to hang out, but nothing awkward, just to have a good time. He more or less agreed, although the time still hasn’t come yet, and I hope he doesn’t find a way to avoid this too. To make matters worse, I feel more desperate than ever because I see he’s back on the dating site. So how can I even try to win him back and show him things can be different if he won’t even give me that chance? Not even a chance to talk it out face to face, or at least gain closure? I can fully admit, I must’ve put pressure on him, and I did apologize to him for that (to which he replied “its okay, I know it’s been tough on you,etc ….”).

    I know I can’t make a man gain feelings for me if he truly doesn’t, but I just wish I had a second chance more than anything. It’s taking everything in my power not to tell him I love him and to not give this big gut-wrenching performance that may end in failure.
    I know I can take some of the advice I’ve been reading through this site, but for my situation, I feel truly at a loss at what the next best step is, since in my case, its a breakup due to a lack of mutual emotional connection and lack romance and intimacy, and now especially since I now see I’m losing time.

  10. Regina

    August 14, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    Chris, can you do an advice guide on what to do after the first date??? I have read all your guides, I don’t have your book because I honestly can not afford it right now (I got laid off recently). I have been following your guides on here & just met up with my ex for the first time in 5 months! Things went well although I can’t tell if he is interested in getting back together, I am trying to play it cool. I don’t want it to be obvious that I am trying to get back together because I don’t want to scare him off because the first time we broke up I was emotional & did everything you should not to do get back together with someone like begging & crying which pushed him away. Since then I did NC for a couple months & have followed your guides & have gotten much better results! I have two questions for you, please help, thank you:
    1) Do you have any advice for me on how to go about things with my ex from this point (after our first date) so that I do not end up in the friendzone & also so that I don’t end up in the “friends with benefits” zone?
    2) How do I go about getting a second date? We have only been texting since our last date & he hasn’t said anything about getting together again (he lives an hour away so not sure if that has anything to do with why he hasn’t tried)?

    1. admin

      August 15, 2014 at 2:44 pm

      What to do after a date… Be more specific. Like what exactly are you wondering or would like me to talk about?

    2. Regina

      August 15, 2014 at 9:48 pm

      Like how to go about things so that you don’t end up in the friendzone & so that you don’t end up in the friends with benefits zone. And also, how to go about getting a second date if your ex doesn’t bring it up.

  11. ale

    August 13, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    so my ex contacted me back to apologise after he broke up with me, threw a pile of shit at me.. after 7 months apart

    We talked a lot.he is in a bad place -a bit depressed- and he is dating other girls. one of them more than once. says he feels no attraction to them.anyway we met after i came back from holiday -and a fight, he kissed me and hugged me, we had a great time. but then he said on text he couldn’t feel anything on kiss but loved the hugging. we met again last week, both tensed although he denied it. he said i hurt him in the past but he didn’t -and i let go because it was pointless- and said he was meeting this other girl for the 4th time saturday, saying it’s just a date, means nothing. we both got angry because i didn’t want him to hug me out of pity. he apologised on thursday. i told him i want him to be happy, he knows what i feel for him, but i don’t want to be a weight. he said he cannot be around me when i am like wednesday -as in saying i am not happy he is dating and eventually i will need answers-but he is not cutting me off.however, no contact since Thursday.. I then gave in yesterday and asked if he was alive. he said I also didn’t make contact.. told him I was giving him space and that by now he knows what I feel so I will give him all the space he needs, without asking how the date went with the other girl.. he asked to see me Saturday.. chatted all day yesterday, today went quiet again.. what do I do?

  12. MesseI messed up

    August 13, 2014 at 2:46 am

    Following your PRO guide, I fully completed NC (even after spilling my guts in an FB message). He messaged his number. I called a day or so later to his wonder. We stated having warm, loving convos. He started hinting that we should get back together. We were getting closer even long distance. THEN, I started saying dumb stuff and making him feel bad, plus not really wanting to do everything he wanted. AND I made him a close friend and saw stuff I didn’t like. But like a dummy, I reacted to what I saw though he didn’t know why. It made me look desperate and clingy. He started using those reverse psychology tricks on me like ending the convo first and other training/molding things. His phone’s off, but he recently would find a way to call or FB inbox me. Now, he’s withdrawn. He won’t FB me and I don’t know if he has another number. I HAD HIM IN THE PALM OF MY HANDS and messed up again. Will another NC get him to come back again? What do I do now?

    1. admin

      August 13, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      What kind of things did you say that made him withdraw?

    2. Things I said

      August 13, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      Told him I’m not a baby making machine (I felt he wanted children by different women)

      Telling him I’m not his mother (he said I was SO SWEET for helping him and called me his last name. I liked him calling me that but felt that the huge compliment made me more a friend)

      Last, but not least, after spying on his FB, called him feeling hurt. He said he loved me, I warned him like a hurt puppy that he better. He thought I had met someone. He had no idea I was hurt and I sure couldn’t incriminate myself.

      Now he’s not contacting me on FB or calling me like he was in May. Have I messed up too bad? What do I do?

    3. admin

      August 14, 2014 at 11:53 am

      If he is contacting you and calling you isn’t that a good thing?

    4. He's being quiet

      August 14, 2014 at 2:33 pm

      He’s “not” contacting me. He stopped calling and FB messaging me. He used to quickly contact me on another phone if his minutes were out, but he hasn’t done that yet. He hasn’t unfriended me though. And the weirdest thing is that he changed our FB marriage post share from “his friends” to “custom.” It’s weird because I’ve recently changed my FB posts to “custom” figuring that the less he sees of me, the more he will miss me. I really MISS him and want him to contact me, but I’m trying SO HARD to control my emotions and not contact him first. What do I do to get him to contact me?

  13. Laurie

    August 8, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Hi Chris: I admit I’ve smirked a time or two while reading your advice…especially when it points out that I’m on the internet looking for advice about dealing with an ex-boyfriend. I’ll also admit I’ve done everything I’m not supposed to…all the desperate measures to be “sure he knows how much I care about him.” I actually initiated the break-up..after 6 years (of which 5 honestly weren’t great)…I miss the routine, I think, more than anything. Once I couple that with my enormous fear of being alone, I’m doomed. I start to question all my actions, my expectations, my morals and values and ask myself “Was I too difficult, too much of a bitch?” At my weakest moments, I convince myself that I’ve learned my lessons and if I just tell him that, he’ll come back. I ignore the bad memories…the lack of conversation, anything in common…and I convince myself that it’s all because my expectations were too high. In the end, it is the loneliness that overwhelms me. The disruption of my routine when he’s not home at night (we lived together for 5 years). I can’t remove all the reminders because he’s everywhere in my house, whether it be the bathroom we remodeled or that I have to take the trash to the curb on Wednesday mornings now. It’s been 2 weeks and I’ve cried every day and appealed to him in some horrible weak moment every day. I know how desperate I look and I FEEL desperate. I’m 48 years old and have this ridiculous notion that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life (statistics prove it…) Advice, my dear friend?

    1. admin

      August 11, 2014 at 11:34 am

      Who cares what the statistics say?

      You are not a statistic you are a person and even though your going through a rough time right now you are going to make it through this. Sure, your not guaranteed to be able to get him back BUT if for whatever reason you can’t get him back I am betting you won’t end up alone. You’ll find someone out there for you.

      You are not a statistic so stop reading stuff like that and freaking yourself out.

  14. Donna

    July 30, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    Hi Chris, thank you so much for making us think))I broke up with a man after 3 month of long distance relations during which we met once for a week and it was a success. He kept contacting me after and seemed to be in love. He told his relatives about me. We discussed the possibility to get together.He definitely wanted me but I felt like at the same time he was scared to get into something serious that soon (was divorced 1 year ago). I suggested kind of “time out”. He told me he did not want to let me go. Have to mention that he was constantly stressed with the issues with his ex and child. Financial problem as well. Than… I went to a website where we met and found him to be still active there. I lost my control and sent him a message that all is over between us. He replied he was surprised to see me checking his profile.Since this time we never communicated. He didn’t fight for me. What would you recommend? NC? Or completely giving up with him? I really liked this guy btw but want to be realistic. Thank you in advance.

    1. admin

      August 4, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      You also can’t forget that a lot of men coming off divorce kind of go through this mode where they want to party it up…

    2. Donna

      August 4, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      Yes…But still,Chris, you are a genius. It was exactly the 10th day of NC when he “liked” my picture on FB (as you predicted in one of your posts here). He also has written some angry nonsence in his profile as if he expected me to read it.
      By the way does “liking” each other’s pictures on FB can be reckoned as breaking NC? Thank you so much!

    3. admin

      August 6, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      If you did it to him it would.

  15. Momo

    July 29, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    My boyfriend and I had been dating somewhat long distance for over 2 years when we broke up. I actually dumped him. Sadly I had pushed him away before so he told me to think about it because this would be the last time. I told him I didn’t want to think and I wanted to be done. Suddenly two days later I realized I made a HUGE mistake and started talking to him. We talked for three weeks, me begging pleading crying the works, and him saying he was done and couldnā€™t be with me anymore. I even asked if he had slept with someone else, he said he didnā€™t want to talk about it, but I pushed him and it turns out in the second week of the break up he had. He finally agreed to see me for closure on the third weekend of the break up. It was terrible and had no closure of course. There were HUGE mixed emotions from him. Saying he loved me over and over, kidding, telling me heā€™d miss me. Even that a part of him did want us to work out but that he couldnā€™t see the future. I begged and pleaded…he pushed back..it was terrible. He even ended up spending the night with me. The next morning he finally agreed that we would talk in 40 days, no promises for anything, but that he would talk to me then. I told him I would work very hard in those 40 days to get myself back and prove to him I deserved him back. A hug relief and maybe made me a little hopeful. He dropped me at my car, told me he loved me, and even said he hated to think it would be the last time he would see me. He started to offer a meet-up date but I told him that wouldnā€™t be good. He thanked me for being strong when he was weak. I drove home and started to feel so miserable I ended up calling him. We actually had a really nice talk and he admitted he felt lucky to have someone so willing to work for him and so in love with him. I hung up and felt good. Then panic set in because I started to wonder if he would get in a relationship in the next 40 days. I called him…again…and asked him to promise me not to. He got upset saying it wasnā€™t fair to make all these demands when he had already given me so much (true) and that he didnā€™t want to keep giving in. But he promised anyways and even said I love you first at the end of the call. Iā€™m scared now for the 40 day mark. I feel like if I text him then heā€™ll just think Iā€™m still pining over him and wonā€™t be open to restarting the relationship. But if I donā€™t text him, is that me dishonoring the kindness he showed me? Is this even counting as no contact because we did agree to talk? He even promised that no matter what on that day he would answer and talk to me. I donā€™t know if itā€™s good he is giving in so much or bad. Should I even text him that day or wait a little longer?

    1. admin

      July 30, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      I think it depends on the initial first contact text you send him.

    2. Momo

      August 5, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      What do you suggest? Because we have a planned end to the NC it seems a little different situation. What should I say?

    3. Momo

      August 12, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      I’m not sure if you got my reply, but I’m wondering what I should say?

  16. Sally

    July 3, 2014 at 3:20 am

    I think you have a lot of good points you raise but not any two couples are alike and not all break ups are the same. In my cases it was me that broke up with my ex husband, I not only pushed him away but burnt every bridge possible. On top of that his crazy brother got involved and made threats that he is capable of going through with if we were to get back together. His brother whom is younger has it over not only my ex but everyone he is connected with! The thing is he can’t escape his brother because he lived at the family home which my ex has a strong living relationship with his parents. Another twist to dilemma is that he was and is married. Yes we were in a polygamous relationship ship. In my cultural and religious background although it’s rarely practised it’s accepted and some what promoted! His wife was not too happy about me but accepted it although she did indirectly place pressure on him… For example if we had a fight she would be extremely happy and effectonate and when we’d make up she would show him the opposite! Silent treatment, sadness and despair. She also warned that if we didn’t work out that she would never accept it again! On top of that one of his friends also despises me! Because when I came into his life he felt neglected and blamed me for it. We have made contact and to be honest we have had sexual relations. Our relationship was very intense, and I still feel our love for each other is very strong. I am burning cuz i know were it not for the problems mentioned above we would have been back together long ago! In my case it’s not a case of will he love me again! But how do I make him see that I am worth the fight! I have not been disparate but no matter what I say or don’t say we are “both” hurting! Do you think it’s possible that he ever have the courage to be together. It’s burning me I don’t want any other man touching me, holding me but him! He knows I am string independent and I have tried the 30 day no contact it kinda worked but it hurt so much when we reunited because being with him felt so right! And I end up opening up to him about how I feel somewhat he has not responded at all! I look forward to your response and I apologise about my grammar and spelling.

    1. admin

      July 7, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      What kind of threats can the brother say?

    2. Sally

      July 7, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Harm me and my brothers, he is mentally disturbed individual and can make good on his threats. His brother actually had guys out side of my house for weeks to insure my ex would not come and he did pay my family home a visit. Also when I forced a divorce it occurred infront of his brother which would have also kicked my exes ego. When a women divorced a man in our culture it’s a big blow and his brother would have been rubbing it in for sure. Tbh the last time we met I put the keys under my matt for him, I fell asleep but was awoken by him weeping/crying holding me tight and embracing me with his all!

  17. Stacy

    June 19, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Hey Chris. I know I comment a lot but I didn’t get a reply to the comment and was hoping you would this time around.
    I wanted to know if I should further implement NC. I’m kind of in the same situation as Meg who commented in the last few on this page. I’m the one who always texts first and I only do it every week or two. If I message him two consecutive days, he only replies with a word or two.

    Also what does it mean if he keeps bringing up my ex before him, talking about how I should get back with him and marry him and knowing fully well that I would never.

    Thanks for everything so far. Its not only got me back on speaking terms with my ex but also your site and book have helped me keep things together.

    1. admin

      June 21, 2014 at 7:26 pm

      Sorry, been swamped answering people.

      Maybe hes testing you… thats really weird that he is bringing that up.

    2. Stacy

      June 22, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      Hey thanks for the reply.
      And what do you suggest I should do about him never responding first? and how often do you think I should text him? He’s very unresponsive if I text him two days in a row

  18. Naturally E

    June 18, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    Hey, I’m REALLY, REALLY confused. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with someone 4 the last 3 yrs & it ended b/c there was NO progression. He, of course, blames everything on me. I have a 7 yr old son who he’s become very much like his father. After the split, I’ve asked him 2 not contact me & he agreed 2. So, because he’s continually contacted me, I’ve asked him if he wants 2 work things out & he’s said no. So, again, I’ve asked him 2 just stop contacting me & he’s like, I’ll give ur wish, but yet CONTINUES the contact, asking me 2 do things. Help me please…I wanna work it out, but I DON’T wanna be stupid.

    1. admin

      June 20, 2014 at 7:33 pm

      Well, how far is the distance?

    2. Naturally E

      June 23, 2014 at 12:22 am

      BTW,I failed 2 mention that during the breakup conversation, he blatantly stated, that we should be friends, in which I told him that I wasn’t interested in being his friend. We’ve known each other 4 over 15 yrs, dated in undergrad & reconnected after almost 10 yrs only 2 have a messy breakup. Basically, he said he didn’t want me & after trying 2 “fix” it, I let go. This is the part (now) where he’s emailing & texting….maybe he’s trying 2 use me…

    3. Naturally E

      June 22, 2014 at 11:57 pm

      He lives in Atlanta & I live in Orlando. It’s funny b/c after all of this agreeing 2 not contact me, saying that he’s giving me “my wish,” which clearly isnt,he emailed me 2 help him fill out his resume. Didn’t ask nicely; he basically had the expectations that I would do it. So, being as I didn’t respond 2 the email, he text me 2 tel me 2 check my email & I still didn’t respond. I’m REALLY confused. He says he doesn’t want 2 be with me, but yet still.contact me. #Frustrated Please help me.

    4. admin

      June 23, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      Actions speak louder than words…

    5. Naturally E

      June 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm

      Hmmmm….I suppose that’s the part that’s confusing. So, (final ?),from ur perspective, based on what u’ve read, ido u think that there’s a chance 2 work it out?

    6. Naturally E

      June 23, 2014 at 12:23 am

      …the job is in Jacksonville btw…not Orlando

  19. nadine

    June 16, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Hi I ended up messaging my ex yesterday to say when is he free to meet and if he doesnt really want to meet thats fair enough but it would be nice to see him… then I sent him my address to send my belongings, in case that’s what he chose to do… should I have approached this differently? :S šŸ™ He hasnt responded yet but whatsapp says he hasnt seen the message yet…. thanks

    1. nadine

      June 17, 2014 at 8:48 am

      ok so he ended up responding saying we can meet its just he’s insanely busy for weeks…. so I havent got any further šŸ™ Any suggestions? I’m really stuck with how to progress everything…

  20. Meg

    June 15, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    And how is NOT desperate if its YOU that always text first?? I mean i feel pretty desperate even I try to be cool and all that you say..but it doesn’t work!even the most interesting text I can think of isn’t enough..so what else can you do??name just one thing!

    1. admin

      June 16, 2014 at 2:07 pm

      Give him a lot of time before you try again is the best off the top of my head.

    2. Meg

      June 16, 2014 at 5:08 pm

      Now I usually text him once a week or every 2 weeks..You mean more than that?

    3. Meg

      June 18, 2014 at 12:22 pm

      Now I usually text him once a week or every 2 weeks..You mean more than that?

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