Desperation 101- How To Get Your Boyfriend Back Without Looking Desperate

481 thoughts on “Desperation 101- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Without Looking Desperate”

Sydney

June 14, 2014 at 1:18 am

Hey Chris,
I’m still a little confused. How exactly would you create emotional influence through a text?

admin

June 15, 2014 at 4:15 pm

By bringing him back to the feelings he felt during the highest point of your relationship.

Stacy

June 11, 2014 at 7:58 am

Hey Chris its me again.
Thanks for all the advice so far.
So I decided that maybe I don’t have to give up yet but I do in the process need to move on. So I adopted the attitude that you spoke of, “if he comes back, great, if he doesn’t then its his loss and it wont make me any less happy”

I need your advice regarding certain things,
Firstly I noticed my ex is more receptive to me if I message him after a few days or even a week, if I message him on two consecutive days I get vey dry and neutral responses.
I don’t think the initial NC was very effective because in that time we were around mutual friends and I just iced him out. Should I implement one again?

Secondly when chatting he likes to bring up the idea of me going back to my ex before him, knowing fully well that I was treated very badly in that relationship.

I have bought your ebook and implement techniques from there, but I’m still not sure what to do.

Thanks again

admin

June 11, 2014 at 4:43 pm

Ok, lets go over this one thing at a time.

Ask me one specific question itll be easier for me that way.
Stacy

June 11, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Do you think I should implement NC again and start all over? If so for how long.
Stacy

June 14, 2014 at 1:31 pm

And what does it mean that he likes to bring up me going back to my ex knowing that I never will.

a girl

June 9, 2014 at 1:01 pm

All these are great but what can you do if you are the rebound, if you already tried 2 times NC, and if your ex seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with you plus owes you money?? how can you skip from a typical conversation tp spmething more if you can’t engage him in the convo? stop contact?friendzone?being honest or sth else?? what is your answer?

admin

June 9, 2014 at 3:37 pm

Have you ever succesffully completed NC?
a girl

June 9, 2014 at 5:24 pm

yes,the first time 30 days with him contacting me in between and the second about 40 days with him not responding to my first texts..and even when we talk it’s all typical and casual,he rarerly says much.. so? should I try explain how I feel or I’d make it worse?
a girl

June 10, 2014 at 6:11 pm

what is your opinion?
admin

June 11, 2014 at 4:33 pm

On?
a girl

June 11, 2014 at 4:59 pm

what can I do or say since I can’t engage him in the conversation or even make him respond?

olivia

June 8, 2014 at 12:04 pm

Hi Chris. I broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 months ago, maybe because I grew quickly impatient of his lies and how cold he was becoming all of a sudden. Before I left, I asked if he still wanted things to work between us and he said he did, and said he wanted to take things slow, after which he disappeared on me and left me hanging. I couldn’t take it and I broke it off, he said he didn’t see it coming, but if that was what I wanted then, sure.. Nothing else came from him.

Quickly after we broke up, he started seeing another girl. Less than a month after things ended between us.. I begged for him to come back, and when I asked him what he felt, he said he was irritated by me. So I started NC.

Last month, he constantly contacted me for a whole week everyday, making casual conversation. I replied him cold, on and off cause I knew he was still seeing the girl. After a week, he disappeared on me again. After which, I sent him a long message on Facebook telling him how I now know how much he has tried for me in the past, which he did not reply to.

What should I do now? Should I proceed with NC again? Nothing seems to work with him..

olivia

June 10, 2014 at 6:40 am

Hi Chris, I snapped yesterday night as I was angry that he was leaving me hanging and keeping me as a back up plan. Previously I told him I thought we shouldn’t stay in contact as I wouldn’t be able to move on properly but he told me to take things slow between us.

I was really upset when I found out that he was seeing the girl just one week after we broke up and I told him that I wish him all the best with the girl and that I would get off his back now. Afterwhich I deleted him on facebook.

I’m tired of chasing after him all the time and being a door-mat to him. Having him as a friend on facebook tempts me too much to constantly check his profile for updates and it hurts too much to see that he is doing just fine without me.

I do not know if this would work in favour of getting him back? What should I do now?
admin

June 8, 2014 at 8:26 pm

I say yes…. He is probably figuring things out with this other girl.

nadine

June 7, 2014 at 10:44 pm

Hey Chris.. 6 months since split now, currently we have chatted a bit and gone into quite interesting convo, like he’s posted videos/lectures to me he thinks id like and has asked me about what I will do with my future career etc.. Hes even complimented photos of me recently?! Though some days (like today) he doesnt respond to me after two attempts… Ive also asked to meet up to exchange stuff, but also gave him option to send it to me, he intially chose meet up but then said maybe hed send as he was so busy and felt bad he was keeping my stuff from me… I havent asked again to meet yet, should I? Do you think I have a chance with him? I feel like next step is for us to meet but whatdo you think?

admin

June 8, 2014 at 8:16 pm

I think that is definitely the next step.
nadine

June 10, 2014 at 7:47 am

I don’t know when or how to ask to meet him again without sounding like a pest as I fear he may just say he’s still busy or put it off :S. Also is it better I make out the main reason is to get my things or is it better to show that it would just be nice to see him? Thank you Chris
nadine

June 12, 2014 at 7:14 am

maybe better not to use my things as an excuse? Please help, thank you Chris

reallyNeedHelp

June 6, 2014 at 2:35 pm

hello, I really want some advise..I started talking to my ex after a second period of NC but he seem very distant..I also found out that I may be his rebound which worries me a lot..He really seems not wanting a relantionship with me.I tried sending him a meme last friday,he replied the next day at night.And the same happened the next day.On Monday we talked a bit,then I decided to send him a ”I remembered when you said me sth..” message,in which he never replied..This week I decided to say that I’d go to the hospital I worked last summer for a visit and if he needed anything(cause he had some problem with his leg).He replied thanking me and asked me about another problem he has,we talked a bit but when I wanted to end the convo he did it before me!It’s so difficult to engage him in a convo!I’m afraid he really doesn’t want anything with me!So I feel like I’ve played my strong cards and don’t know what else to do!Is there anything else I can do or say?or maybe should I try the friendzone or what?? plz answer..

reallyNeedHelp

June 7, 2014 at 11:41 am

??

Nish

June 5, 2014 at 4:56 pm

Hi!
So this is a little complicated- we met online and really hit it off whilst i was in the process of thinking of moving to America- i came on a holiday, lived with him and eventually moved to america a few months later- we now live in the same city, he initially, after i went back to my country asked me to stay with him till i’m more settled but freaked out and eventually told me never to speak to him again…
A week later i contacted him and we reconnected- and when i moved here he came and met me on the first day and said we should just be friends (he’s been speaking to another girl but nothing physical) but he and i ended up making out for hours after that
The first place i moved to wasnt the greatest and id message him on and off which got to him, and he started to lose his temper- one day he found something missing at his place and immediately accused me though I had no idea about it
he apologized and said he gets im nervous and scared about moving but he wants me to forget him and let him do the chasing if he still wants to- he got mad in between and said if i do message he’ll consider it harassment… but ended the conversation calling me beautiful (he always says he cant get enough of how attracted he is to me)
would the NC rule work here?

admin

June 6, 2014 at 5:13 pm

How long did you date total?

And I think NC can work here yes.
Nish

June 7, 2014 at 6:13 am

We were ‘an item’ since november (thats when he decided to be exclusive with me and not speak to anyone else but changed that in March)
but we were physically together for a week in february where I stayed with him
Nish

June 8, 2014 at 4:48 pm

We had another conversation where he asked me to stop messaging him but to let him know my progress (since im in his city and im totally new here) He said he’s going through a lot of things and is really stressed out (i could tell that from the day we ‘met’ up)

mui

June 3, 2014 at 7:13 pm

Hello, Chris..

Thanks for your reply. I’ve written down other stories of mine below.. Can you please give me an advice a little bit more?..
He’s sent me a text after travelings once a month which is nothing related to relationship but just whether I’ve changed my address or not and when he gets my reply, he doesn’t response.. About 3 weeks ago, he asked me to watch the world cup match of his and my country which will hold in 3 weeks. The next day I got his text, I replied to say yes, then he hasn’t said anything to me so far. I’m not sure even if he will text me again for the match.
And he is leaving in 2 months to another country to study which is 2 hrs away by a train from where I stay now.

I’m so confused about this situation. I feel like he’s checking me without any intention to get back.
hannah

June 3, 2014 at 5:56 pm

Your site has been so useful so far but don’t know what to do next.
Finished 30 day no contact, text an upbeat message (the only method I wasn’t blocked) and got a response. Chatted v. slowly across a day or so – recalling private jokes, teasing – some replies have been within minutes, some hours and not always that enthusiastic. Now just getting slower and slower. No reply all day.
What do you suggest?

admin

June 5, 2014 at 5:35 pm

Lay back a bit. Sometimes a little distance can be a good thing.
hannah

June 19, 2014 at 2:06 pm

so its been some time since I last posted. over the past two weeks since 4th june we’ve been texting back and forth but hes been so hot and cold.
one morning he initiated contact at 7am, we’ll be talking all day, instant replies, (even phoned me at one point but I was working), then two days no contact so I have to initiate contact myself and then he’s full of talk.
after my comments to you Chris, just as I got closure from him he said he didn’t want to block me and then wanted to talk, didn’t want me missing from his life. I told him it seemed like he now just wants what he cant have just as he sensed I was moving on, which he said he knew it looked like that.
My specific question – We’ve just texted for three hours and he ended the conversation with one word and a X. What do I do now? because I think its going to be days of no contact………
hannah

June 19, 2014 at 2:08 pm

sometimes it seems like he’s flirting, then he goes all cold

i totally dont get men
hannah

June 4, 2014 at 8:55 am

i feel worse now than before i contacted him, its been more than a day no response now – i didn’t leave it on a high i guess. feel like such an idiot 🙁

Samantha

June 3, 2014 at 2:22 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me last May 14. We were fine texting during that day. But when I suddenly become mad because of a little thing, he also got mad and broke up with me. He told me that our relationship is not working anymore and that we are always fighting. I begged him and told him if we can still fix our relationship because I’m already desperate. He then told me that he doesn’t want to fix it anymore and doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. I cried and he knows that. He said he will never leave me because he will always be there as a friend. Four days passed and he suddenly texted me and invited me to watch a movie with him. And I accepted it. I asked him if it meant anything because I was expecting but he told me that just friends and he has no one to go out with. After we go back to our respective houses, we texted and stayed up late. Then he again invited me on text to go out next week and I accepted it again. The day after his invitation, he didn’t contact me at all and so I texted him that that would be the last time we will be seeing each other because its hard for me to move on. I also texted him that, I need space after we go out with each other next week and I will stop any communication from him after meeting him up next week. I also told him that if he doesn’t want me to be a part of his life anymore, then I don’t want him either. And if still want me, make an effort. but he doesn’t respond to what I texted him. On the day that we met again, I didn’t asked anything if we can still fix our relationship eventhough I really want to. After the day that we met, he texted me and I broke again the NC rule. I told him on message that My friends and I went the night we met out and had arrived home around 3AM. He asked me on whom I was with and I told him my friends. I didn’t got any response so I kept on texting him and Told him, “what’s wrong? Are you texting someone else?”. He replied “yes, my friend”. I asked him “who particularly?”. He answered “I was asking you the same thing and what did you answer me?”. He got mad because I didn’t told him the names of my friends I was with that night. I told him I’m sorry and told him the names. He then said that since I was already happy, he’s not going to interfere with my life anymore. And so I begged him again and I told him that I wasn’t happy at all. But I got no response again. After that, I stopped contacting him and after three days he texted me and asked me why I am not responding to his messages on fb and on text. He also told me if I dont want him to be my friend because I wasn’t responding on him. Still I didn’t answer him. After about three hours, he kept on calling me. And because of that I responded on him, again I broke the NC rule. I told him that I was so sorry because I can’t move on if I kept on seeing and texting him. Then he told me that he is not texting me always so it wouldn’t be hard for me to move on, and told him that it’s still hard. I also told him that, “give me 30 days, by then, I can guarrantee you I can already accept you just a friend.”, and he accpeted it. The day after tomorrow, when I woke up and checked my phone, he texted me and told me that he was on his way to my house and I told him that I just woke up but I accepted it. We again went out, as friends. That was just yesterday. I don’t know what to do now. It seems that he doesn’t want me back anymore but he kept on insisting to go out with me. What should I do? Please help.
Samantha

June 3, 2014 at 7:58 am

My boyfriend broke up with me last May 14. We were fine texting during that day. But when I suddenly become mad because of a little thing, he also got mad and broke up with me. He told me that our relationship is not working anymore and that we are always fighting. I begged him and told him if we can still fix our relationship. He then told me that he doesn’t want to fix it anymore and doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. I cried and he knows that. He said he will never leave me because he will always be there as a friend. Four days passed and he suddenly texted me and invited me to watch a movie with him. And I accepted it. I asked him if it meant anything because I was expecting but he told me that just friends and he has no one to go out with. After we go back to our respective houses, we texted and stayed up late. Then he again invited me on text to go out next week and I accepted it again. The day after his invitation, he didn’t contact me at all and so I texted him that that would be the last time we will be seeing each other because its hard for me to move on. I also texted him that, I need space after we go out with each other next week and I will stop any communication from him after meeting him up next week. I also told him that if he doesn’t want me to be a part of his life anymore, then I don’t want him either. And if still want me, make an effort. but he doesn’t respond to what I texted him. On the day that we met again, I didn’t asked anything if we can still fix our relationship eventhough I really want to. After the day that we met, he texted me and I broke again the NC rule. I told him on message that My friends and I went the night we met out and had arrived home around 3AM. He asked me on whom I was with and I told him my friends. I didn’t got any response so I kept on texting him and Told him, “what’s wrong? Are you texting someone else?”. He replied “yes, my friend”. I asked him “who particularly?”. He answered “I was asking you the same thing and what did you answer me?”. He got mad because I didn’t told him the names of my friends I was with that night. I told him I’m sorry and told him the names. He then said that since I was already happy, he’s not going to interfere with my life anymore. And so I begged him again and I told him that I wasn’t happy at all. But I got no response again. After that, I stopped contacting him and after three days he texted me and asked me why I am not responding to his messages on fb and on text. He also told me if I dont want him to be my friend because I wasn’t responding on him. Still I didn’t answer him. After about three hours, he kept on calling me. And because of that I responded on him, again I broke the NC rule. I told him that I was so sorry because I can’t move on if I kept on seeing and texting him. Then he told me that he is not texting me always so it wouldn’t be hard for me to move on, and told him that it’s still hard. I also told him that, “give me 30 days, by then, I can guarrantee you I can already accept you just a friend.”, and he accpeted it. The day after tomorrow, when I woke up and checked my phone, he texted me and told me that he was on his way to my house and I told him that I just woke up but I accepted it. We again went out, as friends. That was just yesterday. I don’t know what to do now. It seems that he doesn’t want me back anymore but he kept on insisting to go out with me. What should I do? Please help.

admin

June 5, 2014 at 5:25 pm

Well, when you went out as friends did he try anything?
Samantha

June 5, 2014 at 10:40 pm

He tried to kiss me. But I guess he’s just teasing me so I pulled away my face from him. His actions are so confusing. And now it has been just 4 days since we haven’t texted each other. Do you think he still wants to be with me?
admin

June 6, 2014 at 5:35 pm

Was it like a serious kiss like he really want to kiss you or was he just messing with you?
Samantha

June 7, 2014 at 6:22 am

Well, I don’t really know. I guess he was just messing with me.
Samantha

June 8, 2014 at 4:27 am

But, what if he’s serious?

SaladeMeow

June 2, 2014 at 2:21 am

Hi Chris,

My situation slightly changed tonight and I’m definitely looking for advice on my next step. My boyfriend and I were in a LDR but shared an apartment on weekends, so last I wrote to you, you suggested LC instead of NC because he was contacting me about getting some of his stuff.

This weekend I finally saw him for the first time in almost a month and it was extremely difficult for me to keep my cool. We ran some errands together (which surprised me because he could have done it all by himself before stopping by the apartment) and when we got home he suggested that we have a drink while he looked over what he would take with him as he won’t be home for…who knows how long.

After he left I was a wreck. I texted him and told him that he’s missing out on ME 2.0 as I’ve made many positive changes since he left, and he never replied (of course! me = desperate!). He had forgotten some things so he stopped by again today. Instead of playing it cool and happy-go-lucky as I did yesterday, I kind of broke down again. He hugged me and I told him that I really am trying and he said he knows.

Before leaving (again, desperate) I told him I wish things could be different and that I could have a chance to show him. He said that in the last month he had thought about it, but he still had no interest. He said even if we got back together and it was happy every single day, it still wasn’t what he wanted. But he was very gentle about saying it, he wasn’t annoyed or frustrated.

After he left, I caved (I’m bad huh) and sent him “I’m sad you didn’t ask me what’s going on in my life” and so he did ask. The thing is, we’ve now been texting for 2 hours and I’m using the techniques I’ve learned from many of your articles. He is responding very positively. But he is also the type of person who tends to just be nice to avoid pain.

My question is, should I go back to NC now until he contacts me again, in hopes that more time and space will clear his mind of whatever negative thoughts are still holding him back from not being interested in me (even a single date). Or should I try to continue this positive text pattern with emotional influence? I’m thinking NC…am I right?

last update: Just tried to end the texting on a positive note and all I got was “night”

admin

June 2, 2014 at 2:45 pm

NC correct!
SaladeMeow

June 2, 2014 at 8:34 pm

And in your experience this tends to work? Or it’s a trick for giving girls just enough hope over the course of 30 days to pick themselves up and put themselves together without being severely depressed. And once that 30 days is over, they realise that maybe they don’t need him after all? I mean, I’m not a guy, and to be honest even thinking that I knew my ex didn’t work out because his catch phrase in LIFE is “I don’t know” and yet he’s 150% sure that he wanted to break up. And no, I did not cheat, or murder his best friend, or kick a puppy in the face, so what would make him be so certain about this but nothing else, ever? I look back 6 months and he was sending me engagement ring photos, then all hell broke loose and he’s certain that I’m not in his future? Things don’t add up in my rational mind nor my emotional heart.
admin

June 5, 2014 at 5:06 pm

Hahaha a trick?

No there is no trick but sometimes picking yourself up is the best way to attempt to get your boyfriend back.

Sorry for the late reply.
SaladeMeow

June 6, 2014 at 1:43 am

Yes of course, a trick. I mean, girls come here desperate, distraught, depressed and borderlining psychopaths because of it all. They are harassing their ex boyfriends because they “think” there is a connection that makes it ok to text him every 6 seconds until he answers (when in reality none of it is ok!)

I know because like every other girl here, I was in this situation. My life had been dedicated to someone who took all the control.

And then suddenly there is the answer, the hope, the trick. IF ONLY you can wait 30 days, you can get him back. Suddenly there is a goal. Life isn’t just sitting around waiting for him to maybe answer (I mean he’s made the decision that he’s out, he’s out…), a MAN is telling all of us that the way to get him back is to do this, this and this (which includes not contacting him, and getting out of the house to do activities).

I’m not criticizing you! I think there is some psychology behind it all, but I think a big part of it is that it gives young ladies the hope and drive to DO something instead of wallowing. And then suddenly, 30 days are over and the #1 goal isn’t to text him anymore…it’s just to keep doing what we’re doing.

Of course there might be moments when the thought crosses his mind. But likely, unless he’s let himself go during the relationship, he’s out there doing his “i’m 20-some years old and free” act.

We’ll see I guess! I started NC 4 days ago and he sent texted me on day 2. Who knows.
admin

June 6, 2014 at 5:40 pm

Hahaha

Well, I do point out multiple times you are not ever guaranteed to get him back I have just found that a 30 day freeze out raises your chances in the end.

If there is a trick it is basically trying to help people find themselves again and also teaching women how to properly re-attract their exes AFTER the NC rule. By any chance did you read any of the articles on that. I think they might be interesting to you.

If you need any help with your situation or any support we are all here for you 🙂 .
SaladeMeow

June 6, 2014 at 7:56 pm

I DID read many of them (many…the first weeks were rough). And I completely agree that they are interesting. It just dawned on me after that
1) Sunday my ex stopped by and told me he was not interested in giving me, or us, another chance. That he “couldn’t”
2) I started NC (which I was planning on restarting anyways)
3) On day 2 he texted me

I’m certain that his mind didn’t change in 2 days, yet many of your articles seem to imply that if he contacts you first, it’s generally a good sign. And in thinking about it all, I realized that he was getting exactly what he wanted (distance and space and radio silence really) and in the meantime my goal to get him back changed from desperation to motivation (and while out with my friends, I didn’t think about him…wait what?!).

I think your site is fantastic, and it’s great that you’re helping people. I’ll let ya know how it turns out for me!
admin

June 7, 2014 at 4:44 pm

Definitely do!

Danyela

May 31, 2014 at 8:43 pm

Hi! First of all, I want to thank you for all your advice that you are giving to us. Second of all, I am here because, of course, I need help and I can;t give it myself. I start talking with a guy some time ago, even if we knew each other from a very long time. I knew from the first time he texted my what he wanted. I wasn’t so exited like him at the beginning but I talked to him and i started liking him slowly. One day,he got the courage to start the official “relationship”. I was kinda happy for a week (I must say that I am not the easiest type of person; I don’t really give a chance to a guy to stay not even a week with me; I am really cold and I don;t reeally trust men)an he was really happy to….I remember I could read the happiness on his face. He seemed and told me that was really in love. I was enthusiastic and I was really enjoying his company until one day when I had a very bad mood and I decided to tell him that I got bored of him and I don;t know what to do next. He got really mad and started to treat me very bad and even got to not talking to me and not answering to my messages (that are at most 1/week). In one discussion we had after that he told me that I completely changed him with what I said and he will not be the same anymore and he does not want to have anything to do with me anymore….just like that. C The fact is that I only had a bad day and I really want him back. I miss him very much and I miss the way I felt when he was with me. I would do anything to gain his trust back because he really deserves a lot. I really want to talk to him and get him at least to talk to me more so I can be more peacefully and focus on my business. I can’t think of anything else, but him… Thank you!

Danyela

May 31, 2014 at 9:16 pm

I forgot to add that I will be seeing him this summer every day because my summer job is in the same place with his. But not on purpose..I have already given the interview before all off this happened.
admin

June 2, 2014 at 2:41 pm

How old are you two?
Danyela

June 3, 2014 at 10:03 am

I’m 22 and he’ 21
Danyela

June 3, 2014 at 10:15 am

You sure think I’m childish or something, but I miss his presence, according that we kept hanging around for months until we made it official. And here I am now..waking up all alone…with him not caring anymore after all these months. I am a complicated person and now I feel alone and guilty for what I have done to myself, in the first place and for what could have possibly grown between us if I would have had patience with myself

M

May 31, 2014 at 4:30 pm

Hi Chris,

So I’ll keep this as less-detailed as possible b/c there is SO MUCH to it (and I’ve already messaged you and commented with no response, so it might seem slightly redundant but this time I’ll give you more detail on this comment so that you can see that I’m serious my situation is unique I NEED HELP PRETTY PLEASEE 🙁

It starts here: You say in one of your article’s (“what does your ex think of you” section) that “you are not your ex-boyfriend’s favorite person right now”…. and i KNOW that this is NOT true for me. (I mean okay maybe not literally his “favorite” person, lol, but the context of the quote is not applicable for me.) I know I’m not the only one who is on relatively “good terms” with their ex… But it’s more than just that. He’s from Columbia and came to college here in my state b/c his dad moved here several years ago, but his life (mom, friends, highschool, etc) is all still there. So we dated for 1.5 years at our university… during that time, he went home for the summer and we were apart for some time, and then he also studied abroad for a semester. So surviving long distance is NOT our issue! (Also note that I went to Columbia to visit for a month to visit and got to know his entire family…)

Well he “tried” to break up with me about 2 months ago b/c he said he has no idea what he wants to after we graduate (which happened a few weeks ago) and was feeling so lost/confused (and also planned on going back to Columbia and didn’t know what would come next) etc. and said he needed to be single to figure it out. but then 4 days later (I had not found your site yet!) I was SO devastated that I asked if we could meet up and talk, he happily agreed, it was basically me trying so hard to convince him of how we could make it work and he basically said yes okay and we were “back/still together”… we then started searching for opportunities that I could come to Columbia (even just for short time periods like through “intern abroad” programs etc so I wouldn’t be like, living with him, which I know was a major source of the pressure he was feeling. So this went well for like 4 weeks and then he freaked out again and said “it was just too much” (I think he started feeling like me coming there too = we have to get married! Which I’m obviously not ready for either in life but he felt that since he’d be all I had there, he felt this extreme responsibility for me/my life and it just amounted to a lot of pressure taht I think freaked him out, but that was all him/in his own head…) Anyways, We had a week or so of NC (I didn’t know the rule still, I just thought it might help) and then tried very hard to convince for several days…

BUT HERE IS WHERE IT JUST EVEN STARTS TO BECOME A UNIQUE SITUATION: during all this, he ALWAYS agreed to meet up and talk about it, even when I’d call him and say “I’m really upset, can we have a big long talk?” (yeah… I said that…. haha omg I know) but he’d say yes okay I can come to your house in a little bit.. and he would! Several times, either to talk a lot or just for “old times” sake and we’d watch our old favorite shows together and kind of comfort eachother… which is weird, I know, especially since I was still clearly very pathetic and desperate seeming at this time. I KNOW. But my point is at my NEEDIEST, most “begging” time, he still was never mean or rude or “typical ex-boyfriend” about it.

BUT THEN I FOUND YOUR SITE. I didn’t implement NC right away b/c I was scared that since he was leaving for Columbia soon I’d regret it, i didn’t know if I should “play the game” and miss out on a few last weeks of good moments with my “best friend” (I thought, I care about him so much as a person that I’d rather have him in my life than not…) but anyways, regardless, I still read all your advice and gained a new perspective… so I stopped texting him so much and when I did I made it short and sweet, and not always available– not always available b/c he asked me several times to hang out! So we did… we went to our favorite coffee shop, studied together, grabbed lunch, etc… and then one night he took me out to this restaurant/bar! (So… I guess I got the first date??) This whole time, I made sure not to bring up the relationship and just act fun and carefree and flirty, but in a “I just met you” sort of way. But all of this happened after we were broken up! (It was probably a month ago now today, and he would be leaving for Columbia ~2 weeks later). I know he just didn’t want to let me go and wanted to cherish our last moments together, b/c he genuinely enjoyed spending time with me and wasn’t ready for our relationship to end, but I think he feels it was the only way. (We survived all the LDR stuff in the past, but this time is different b/c he would have graduated, etc, with no specific “return date”.. and also I think he thought I was making my life choices too much relying on him.. which is something I realized I did wrong/let change about me in the relationship.)

So then we graduated and he was supposed to leave in like 2 days and he insisted on taking me out to breakfast and then we got back to my house and he stood there and hugged me for a LONG time (out of nowhere) and started crying a lot and asked me to please forgive him for not being brave and having the courage to try and make “us” work… and he said he wasn’t “closing the book/giving it to Goodwill” (lol) but instead just putting it on the shelf for now, and has intentions of reading it again in time, but can’t promise that he will (just as we don’t always finish the books on our shelves that we intend to finish in life).. this was obviously all referring to our relationship. it was very emotional/sad… and then later that day he helped me pack my stuff to go home from college and I said he didn’t have to stay and he said he would b/c he didn’t want to leave… and then I stayed the night with him, NOTHING happened literally, we just watched TV and enjoyed our last evening together.. the next day more longggg hugs/crying, and goodbyes.

He then texted me once he arrived in his country, and again to tell me he got a new number. Then I decided to do no contact (?!?) I don’t know if this was even the right time or scenario for this!? I Did it b/c I kept telling myself I would once he got there, but then I started thinking…. all these other girls on here can’t even get their bf’s to respond to their text! Is this even relevant to me?? And also, has he already moved on/are we already reaching friend zone, since he technically first had the thoughts of breaking it off almost over 2 months ago now? (aka, what “post breakup” phase is he even in, since we were so volatile about the whole thing??) — WELL I made it through day 10 of NC til he contacted me with a SUPER long text full of questions (where was I going this summer specifically– bc he knows it’s europe but I wasn’t sure what country yet.. and he hopes I’m doing well.. and blah blah, full of exclamation points and icons and smiley faces. So, I know I’m not supposed to respond during NC but I also a) felt bad not responding after his nice text, and also since we left the whole situation on SUCH friendly terms that I didn’t know if it was kind of weird/bipolar seeming for me to just totally be cutting him off?? What do you think? I had such a hard time with this one. So anyways I waited 2 and a half days and then responded (“Hey! busy week, yes so excited for my “eurotrip” 🙂 how’s Columbia?” ) — which seemed so irrelevant b/c he told me exactly how Columbia was and also i never responded to any of his questions about where i’m going, or even his specific questions about other stuff I totally ignored! And I know him and I KNOW it probably hurt his feelings that I didn’t give him more details on my own/update him right away, etc… So I felt a little bad about that. But then he responded again something really nice and asked me to, “whenever I had time” tell him where I’m going… so I told him the city name with an exclamation point… He responded with “That looks beautiful  “ (which also means he clearly googled imaged it… ) But so I’m basically trying to keep it short and sweet, but still nice.. but it’s CLEARLY not me/”us” bc he knows me and I usually would be telling him everything and just act much nicer and more receptive. But I’m trying to play it cool/act uninterested, but I’m feeling bad about all of this bc we pretty much explicitly made it a point, when he left, to not be hostile towards one another and to keep eachother updated on everything… But then I’m scared I’ll go into friend zone if I do that!! So I’m trying to follow your advice, but since I’m obviously being “colder” than usual, I’m scared I will just push him into thinking that I really just want to get over it/he doesn’t really have a chance at us getting back together ever (as you mentioned in your “what to do on a first date” article, not to show disinterest) … Remember I’d currently be only on day 13 right now but again is this even applicable to me given the circumstances (and since my NC didn’t even start right when we broke up, shoot I don’t even really know the day we officially actually broke up! But I know we did) … and then also, should I be acting this way still?

I just want him back! And I know it can be done, even with so much uncertainty and being across seas… bc I was obviously even willing to go there! And I know he wants me back.. But obviously not enough to try to make it work while potentially sacrificing other things. So it’s just whether or not I can convince him that he likes me enough to where he will want to have it no other way than make it work to be with me! I’M JUST SOOOO CONFUSED AS TO WHAT APPROACH I SHOULD BE TAKING and i have knots in my stomach that I’m being so mean to him (I feel..) after we had such a heart to heart before he left. And I KNOW that, for example, if I texted him right now and said “hey I have some really cool news can we skype?!” he’d be like YES! But at the same time, we’re still broken up, so…..

See where my dilemma lies?? I just don’t really know what is even going on. PLEASE HELP? 🙁

UPDATE: I ended up replying yesterday to the “That looks beautiful 🙂 ” text from him which was stupid but I had no idea what to do.

admin

June 2, 2014 at 2:35 pm

Did he respond to your response?
M

June 3, 2014 at 1:02 am

No = I’ll admit though that it was pretty non-respondable bc I tried to make a little joke and yeah (I know..I should’ve known better, I just kind of felt like a jerk for being so cold tk the others after having left eachother so nicely.. = ) And also I think that had I not been like that this week th the probably would have responded, he’s kind of the type that will mimic what I’m doing, if that makes sense. So I guess I just feel like I was in a “good place” /making progress and then kind of started this “acting weird” phase and totally changed the dynamic…I’m scared he’ll associate it more as drama and not enjoying the texting experience with me anymore, instead of making him want me more? If that makes sense. Idk though what do you think? Bc I also certainly don’t want to either to into “friend zone” or even just be making his transition easier by knowing we can keep texting as usual. (I can’t decide if not hearing from me will make it easier for him to push me out of his mind and start healing and moving on, or if it’s the opposite: that texting will make it easier to transition away from me.) I’m gonna totally leave this one up to you if that’s okay!

So I guess I’m asking, given all of that, do you think it’s a good thing that I toyaly changed the dynamic (even after the talk we had before he left and all that happened during that week)… ? And now, moving forward, what would you recommend? More NC and if so, how long? Or instead pick up with the old texting again but with emotional influence? I really hope I didn’t ruin it with that last text =

Anyways thank you so much and if you have a different idea entirely in mind I am ALL ears!
admin

June 5, 2014 at 5:11 pm

I think you should hit him with some emotional influence in the texting but also mix in some NC to make him realize that your world doesn’t revolve around him.
M

June 3, 2014 at 9:14 pm

update: I texted again (I know you are probably cringing, but I was at an all-time “forget this” moment…) But this time he responded AND referenced that last text saying “and haha that’s funny about.. blah blah” (which shows that he deliberately did not respond to that initially! Right?).

We went back and forth a few times and he updated me on what he’s doing and he just got some temporary job opportunity there and he said “yeah hopefully I will get a job out of it” — but I feel like he is trying to emphasize this too much, almost to hurt me (or even just signal to me) by showing that he is moving on and/or actually trying to stay there permanently, to live. I tried to act excited and encouraging (to demonstrate both my support for him, as well as an “I’m not even phased by that b/c I’m over you…” vibe) so I asked if he was off to the capital soon then haha and he said “haha maybe in the future but I don’t really wanna be that far right now, honestly. Still excited though. [and then started asking about my trip to Europe]”

So this last text makes me slightly confused. You don’t have to decipher it for me haha but if it rings any bells I wouldn’t mind hearing. I mostly just wanted to get reinforcement/feedback about what just happened.. I’m not sure where to go from here necessarily, but you will be happy to know that I AT LEAST remembered to “end the conversation first” so I did not reply to that last text, which he sent like 45 mins ago. Should I just pick up again tomorrow in response to what he said, “block texting”?

thanks 🙂

Stacy

May 31, 2014 at 7:27 am

Hey Chris

Thanks for the great advice so far. It’s amazing to know that someone is willing to take this initiative.

I have a few more questions regarding my ex. After making the dreaded call and getting rejected to him saying that he will see what happens in future. We are still in contact, a few days ago the night before an exam I started chatting to him and he figured that something wasn’t right so he asked me what’s wrong, I told him that I was just stressed for an exam and he started pep talking me. Then we started talking about our relationship, well I spoke and he added comments here and there but we spoke about good things and it was light hearted. However he stopped the conversation asking me if its a good idea to chat about this before an exam. He then went on to tell me that he saw my ex before him around (he’s never met him) and that we make a nice couple. Knowing fully that I hate this ex because he treated my very badly in our relationship.
I don’t understand his behavior? when we were together he used to say that he will never be friends with an ex or talk to them.

Also I’m the one who is always initiating conversation but I’m also the one ending it.
Sometimes I get the feeling that he believes that I haven’t moved on and he seems to be holding onto it. Because when I mention about progression in my life (he tends to ask me how I am and hows things going multiple times in a convo) he becomes indifferent and I get one or two word replies.

Any thoughts on how to proceed?

admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:53 pm

So, you haven’t been able to advance to a one on one in person meet up?
Stacy

May 31, 2014 at 4:29 pm

Nope I haven’t. But we see each other around and hang with mutual friends.
Stacy

June 1, 2014 at 12:58 pm

Hey Chris

I’m at a crossroad and I would love your advice. My ex and I are broken up for almost three months now. And I’m started to think that maybe I should move on with my life. He says things like everything is closed off but jumps readily to comfort me and chat to me when I message him.
Also I find that he is more receptive to me when I ignore him for a few days or a week. So I’m thinking I should slip into NC for a little while longer? What do you think?

Maybe instead of giving maybe consider a longer timeline and implement UG strategies (I implemented many of these before we started dating, and he responded very well to this and chased me tirelessly for months) , after the NC.

He is a very stubborn guy but while we were together he very often gave in for me. And broke so many of his patterns for me, according to his friends he never did this for a girl before.

This time is just different. We do have a relationship that has future potential and we generally always made a good team. So I’m not sure what to do here. I have made it clear that I’ve moved on, he’s never said anything along those lines but he said things are closed off. Also he asked me to stop everyone everything that happened to us, thing is I haven’t and only told close friends I’m guessing someone slipped something to him or the stories just got around? I explained that but told him that I wont say anything in future.

Give up or give it more time?
admin

June 2, 2014 at 2:44 pm

Thats your decision ultimately.

What do you think is best for you in the long run?
Stacy

June 1, 2014 at 3:28 pm

*stop telling everyone everything that happened between us

M

May 30, 2014 at 12:25 am

Hi Chris! Commenting here seemed appropriate because YES, I AM absolutely DESPERATE for you to help me! I just sent you a message and I would be ever so grateful if you could just read it… but if you really cannot/will not, I supposed I can leave it as a comment… but beforehand I just wanted to try my luck and let you know here so that it doesn’t slip by you/get lost in the masses! ps- I’m sorry for being seriously annoying, I know I am =/ Again… desperation 101

admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:41 pm

You are probably going to have to post it in the comments…

daisy18

May 29, 2014 at 5:13 pm

hi Chris..
first of all ur articles have been a gr8 guide to me all through out my post break up times and i have successfully manage to tackle down ur advices very well. Ive done no contact sucessfully 30days havin my ex contact me on day 24..and i still didnt respond.. ive initiated contact once gettin positive responses and more effort responses from my ex (just like ur articles mentioned; reciever texts more than sender(me). 2nd encounter was when my ex greeted me on my birthday (while his was jz 1week a part and i didnt greet him) were both no longer friends on Fb either. i replied to his greetin and also with that reply i mentioned an inside joke bw us that once made us LOL at the moment it was created..it was me bringin positive/igniting good memories jz like ur article advised..so i did that and unexpectedly he replied the next day and it wasnt regarding my birthday anymore it was his text about “that inside joke i mentioned ” and he joked me back abt it more. thw texts went back n.forth..as usual..he was textin me alot more texts than i would send, i was confident i was in control of the conversation and that it was influencing him..until..i had to keep it short and end it (saddest part) and before ending i said “we should meet up one time and catch up” and he was positive abt it, unlike before early post Breakup he would say alot of excuses.this surprised me. then text ended with Goodnights…Now..i dont know when or even if i should be the one approaching him abt “catching up/meeting up) or when i should text him again or even ask abt him unblocking me on FB? soo much i wanna do but i dont know which step next to take… weve run into each other twice..one was during my NC and he saw me even texted me sayin he saw me & the other time was when i was on a “late night sort of walk~date with this guy from work” i ran into him with his friends…
please advice me on what to do next…i still feel kinda conscious abt askin him out and that it may make me look like im still so needy/desparate..and ur famous quote of #menwantwhattheycanthave ..im scared id violate those coz i dont wanna push my ex further…
i look forward to ur reply Chris. thankuu..xoxo

admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:42 pm

Thats hilarious.

I didn’t know there was a hashtag of my quote. AWESOME!

Well, how are your conversations going with him?
daisy18

May 31, 2014 at 5:04 pm

hey again Chris,

my conversations with him…are very great. in fact..its a very positive conversation..i somehow feel by his amount of responses i am gettin him intrested..and he doesnt reply with 1 word responses or close end responses..its 100% back n forth texts.. i wasnt expecting at all. 🙂
do u think i should..ask him to hang out? or..?
xx

reallyNeedHelp

May 29, 2014 at 2:07 pm

hello, don’t know if you remember my case.. I started talking to my ex after a second period of NC but he seem very distant..I also found out that I may be his rebound which worries me a lot..I tried sending him a meme on friday,he replied the next day at night.And the same happened the next day.On Monday we talked a bit,then I decided to send him a ”I remembered when you said me sth..” message,in which he never replied..It’s so difficult to engage him in a convo!I’m afraid he really doesn’t want anything with me!Should I continue talking or what?Is there anything else I can do? plz answer..

admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:36 pm

Hmmm… are you properly ending the conversations first and at the high point?
reallyNeedHelp

May 31, 2014 at 6:42 pm

That’s my problem, I can’t!we hardly can make a conversation, the few times I noticed he was in the mood of talking yes I did end it soon enough.But I tried sending him another messsage yesterday and he didn’t reply..So I don’t know what I should do!I always send a text and try to be easygoing and happy but nothing Works..if he’s not in the mood,he wont talk.Is there anything I can try?something that would make a difference??
admin

June 2, 2014 at 2:40 pm

Give me an example of this bad mood he has.
reallyNeedHelp

June 2, 2014 at 6:27 pm

From the little he had said he has problems with his family.When I met him on February he and his father didn’t talk at all for some reason.Also(this is my guess) but I don’t beleive he’s satisfied with his job or life in general..And I don’t know what else that makes him say ”we can’t be together”!he really doesn’t share his problems..But I don’t know what to do anymore!Should I try be open with him or would I ruin everything? can you give me an advise please..?

Nj

May 29, 2014 at 9:07 am

❀❀Hello Chris:
Sorry，i post it again in case you miss my previous comments. really thank you for your time to read my comment here:).I come here to seek help again,my LRD exboyfreind whos in Vietnam suddenly stopped contacted me for a week, last time he did it, ended up like he finally texted me after one week and said he’s sorry for being MIA,he’s very busy and replied me a lot texts. This time again, I really dont get it, why he’s been like that? suddenly stop answering my text and disapper,and i dont know what should i do next, just wait for him text me? i am worried, dont know if any could happen to him:(, because i heard Vietnam is having some irots going on. He is Canadian. I also in Asia, but stay in different country. Chris, thank you very much for your male prospects and advices, any comments will be appreciated !(‧‧)nnn
Bsrgs!
NJ

admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:33 pm

Maybe he was legitiately busy?

Chrissy g p

May 28, 2014 at 3:23 pm

So.made big mistake.about two weeks ago he called me w small cordial convos talk like old times.him being sarcastically joking etc.he said so what ru up to next week? I said what’s going on? He said oh opi dunno.wanted to see if you wanted to catch up n get a drink or something. Then I said I would let him know. Two days later he shot a text saying …thinking of you.,. Then shot another immed after apologizing for that text and will try not to let it happen again. I called him not to send those things and he said yeah, I would love to hang out next week.this was may 12. I called saying hey it’s me call back hope all is well.like he does when he calls me.ignored.so I waited a week and called again. Ignored. Then I shot a text the boss fight bunny one bc he is a gamer along with a joking overtone but to the point of trying toget in contact. Ignored five days along with a call yes I’ve become a once every other day talk-gnat. But I was worried truly of him as we were so happy and cordial and all of a sudden a switch. So yes I texted him knowing he hates ppl showing up uninvited but I snapped.i called to tell him I was thinking of coming by and texted him to let him know.not really my fault he ignored them. I called saying I know we aren’t obligated to eachother at all but it’s been a good amount of time that despite breaking up I still care of you are alright and I still care for myself and would kindly appreciate a response.he only shuts ppl out on certain occasions which I can’t really discuss. But I know. However I came over, knocked. He opened. I knew from the start it was bad bc he absolutely hates this and I told him ipthat it was the craziest thing I’ve done and apologize knowing he hates this the most.however if he only could shoot a reply of some sort being on good terms we were two weeks ago this wouldn’t have happened.but him knowing me but I could tell he was avoiding and he is really good at not sharing true responses why as I could tell that is what pushed me to get what I deserved.and didn’t appreciate being ignored. All in light hearted manner straight forward. At first he said..I don’t want you here, I don’t like showing unannounced and said I’m sorry, closing the door I said please..Ad, wait he opened it and said fine..come in..yes slightly perturbed but whatever. He said his place was a mess and I said I didn’t care but he said he did…when we were together he always said I was the one to motivate him to get things done,,chores etc. so I clarified my reason for coming over after giving him a heads up.its not my fault for almost two weeks passing by not a single response, I figured he would see it but ignore anyway so I came to explain and get answer I deserve. He said he was going to call me in an hr (after I got there) after he woke up. He said he would be up for the meet up he initiated but didn’t respond so what was I supposed to think.He still planned meetup this thrs. I told him I felt bad for doing this and explained I was just concerned if he wax okay, bc truthfully I was and hated being ignored bc not just from him but anyone for respect of a response. Yes he is still the one w the girl n the key..whatta do? What direction do I go w meetup.do I say I don’t want you to do this hpjust bc you feel it’s something to just get done with I only want it if it is mutual. And can I ask so.lhow are you and Kate? At all friendly or just work on the hang out focused solely on good vibes and memories..though I pretty much threw that to a bad start by showing up..help..ASAP Chris.i snapped.

Chrissy g p

May 28, 2014 at 3:38 pm

I snapped bc we were on such good terms before then sudden silence. That freaked me out. Now came to a terrible start n is prob thinking”I hate her” I get it, but what am I supposed to do when he shoots that text then says he was drinking and will try not to let it happen again all sounding completely sober. Then calls to meet up. My goal which I feel I killed was in meet up,if things went somewhere to tell him well you found everything you wanted in someone ,there’s something special about her that I was missing and you are completely happy in your situation. I only wish I knew what about me didn’t work for you. I only as he mentioned time again, was trying to motivate him, saw the best in him, and pushed him to be his best like he did with me. I guess it comes off overbearing when someone has a lot going on and stresses, his medical, back preventing him from his career etc. but all I ever did n he knows is love him. No expectations and was there for everything.absolutely everything for him n support. He did mention at the time you do everything for me bc you want to and I feel I can’t return that, a feeling of guilt that is too much for him.he said that before wanting guy time which I could tell the difference between guy time and his pulling away..him feeling guilty.told him I was okay with it and if it was really guy time he shouldn’t feel guilty. But his with shadiness round about answers etc I told him all I want is honesty respect and love. I was theee most simplistic non demanding girlfriend. One who only cares for the best interests of someone else. Always. I dunno Chris..need feedback for this entire situation.
admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:13 pm

I understand how you are feeling.

What specifically do you want feedback on?
Chrissy g p

June 3, 2014 at 3:28 am

So..the free day he was available I was ready for meetup.called for follow up as to the best time for him..no response. He said u wait for a response, we aren’t dating anymore. If they don’t get back to you just let it go..This was the last time I went to his place after text n call saying reason why I was..I explained that not just from him but anybody dating or not it is respect to at least respond as to why things changed etc..I pushed to make him realize that it is simple courtesy n respect of a person to reply. We spoke a lil bit on the couch..mostly me..it was late..I said we never fight and I don’t want to leave on bad terms.i know u hate me for coming to your place but I’m only explaining to make you understand. He said I don’t hate you, I hate ppl coming uninvited. Told him Well I gave u plenty of time and it held your word to your setting (this day) for meet up. He said I realize that and apologize. I told him I don’t want u to agree just to shut me up.he said no..I really do.it could be BS but it was left at that. The thing that killed me was I gave a quick hug saying well hope we could have a good time out next time with a smile and friendly tone. I never raised my voice.was neutral and cordial. He gave a one arm halfway few pats on my back..I died. I feel it is just time to leave him alone.btw the girl left him for a job in Miami.found out when I said oh that’s a nice crystal whiskey decanter. He said yeah I got it from my ex. I said huh? He said yeah…Kate. So I guess I don’t need your advice.ive come to see that until he can grow up, I’m ready to leave be.however, your posts are so helpful.dont stop this sight.ever.it helped me so much..if I felt too crazy I would just read your info repetitively to bring me back to reality. Thanks Chris.

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