Today we’re going to take a hard look at dumpers and answer if you can expect them to stalk you on social media.

And I brought on our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help. (Yep, just a few days ago Dr. Tyler literally became certified.)

Ultimately, we are of the belief that in most cases dumpers do “stalk” their exes on social media. In fact, there are multiple ways in which they do that.

And that’s what this article is really going to be about.

• We’re going to dive into the science of why we believe most dumpers will social media stalk you
• We’re going to take a hard look at the ways in which they do that
• We’re going to talk about the pogo sticking effect in depth
• And really look at if it’s healthy for you to even be spending time worrying about what the dumper is doing post breakup.

Let’s get started.

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The Science Of A Dumper Stalking You

This entire article is comprised of the notes from an interview I did with Dr. Ramsey, one of our ex recovery coaches.

(You can see that podcast episode above by simply clicking the play button. Additionally, it’s why Dr. Ramsey gets credit for writing this article 🙂 .)

In the interview he provided some incredible insights that I’m going to get to in a moment.

But usually my “go to” research that I point people towards when they ask me if I think their ex is stalking them is this article from the huffington post,

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/nearly-90-percent-of-people-creep-facebook_n_1687424

While it’s a bit dated (the study was done in 2012) I have found it to be incredibly relevant today. Essentially it argues that close to 90% of exes will “facebook creep” you after a breakup.

So, statistically speaking there is a high likelihood your ex is going to be stalking you on social media.

Additionally Dr. Tyler brought up some really fascinating studies on why exes can get caught up in this addictive behavior after a breakup.

The Nucleus Accumbins And Its Importance To Addictive Stalking On Social Media

(Photo Credit: https://www.simplypsychology.org/nucleus-accumbens.html)

This concept taken from Dr. Ramsey so I claim no credit for it.

There’s this really small place in your brain called the nucleus accumbins. It’s best to think of it as the dopamine receptor that creates this feeling of euphoria.

Essentially any time you think, “Oh wow, this is great. This feels amazing.”

That’s the nucleus accumbins firing. So, during the honeymoon period with your ex that sucker is firing on all cylinders.

Suddenly a breakup occurs and it turns off. When that happens the nucleus accumbins can literally shrink due to the sense of loss.

So, engaging in behaviors such as “facebook stalking” or “instagram story spying” is essentially a dumpers way of trying to re-engage that nucleus accumbins or at least falling victim to it.

All of this is to say that scientifically and statistically the odds are definitely in your favor that a dumper is going to be “stalking you” on social media.

What Are The Dumpers Preferred Methods Of Stalking On Social Media?

That’s a really great question.

Generally the behavior falls into three distinct categories.

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1. We’ve seen them use friends
2. We’ve seen them create fake accounts
3. We’ve seen them do it in silence (and heard about it upon recovery.)

Honestly nothing too revolutionary. Where things get tricky is how our clients often react to the stalking.

Many of our clients need affirmation to determine if dumpers are stalking them.

They need to see their ex watching their instagram story. They need to see their ex unblocking them.

The truth is many times you aren’t able to tell if they are stalking you because they tend to be secretive about it.

And so that’s where an addiction of our clients own making can begin but more on that in a second.

I’d actually like to talk about some controversial.

What Are Our Thoughts On A Dumper Stalking Their Ex If They’ve Blocked Our Clients?

So, this is where things get really complicated. Most people generally assume that an ex who has blocked them doesn’t want anything to do with them.

However, that’s generally not what we’ve found across the board. In fact, Dr. Ramsey really hammers home this point that when he coaches clients his top client fear is,

“Are they done with me?”

Well, the way to look at blocking specifically is that it’s an emotional reaction.

We know that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

A dumper who was truly over you wouldn’t block you. I mean, they definitely could but they wouldn’t engage in something I lovingly refer to “the pogo sticking effect.”

What Is The Pogo Sticking Effect?

Ok, let’s pretend that I’ve blocked you on Facebook. I want nothing to do with you. You can rot in h*ll for all I care.

(I’m playing the role of an ex boyfriend who is really rude. I need to get in character 😉 . )

A few days go by and naturally I get curious as to what you are up to so I quickly unblock you to check out your profile. Once I am satisfied I go back to blocking you.

I do this four or five more times over the coming weeks.

This is the pogo sticking effect. Essentially it’s where an ex blocks you and then unblocks you. Back and forth. Time and time again.

And I think it’s really important for us to take a look at some of the top reasons for why people block after a breakup.

• Sometimes they want to send a statement: “I’m going to hurt you because you hurt me”
• Sometimes it’s too painful to watch you from afar
• Sometimes it’s an effort to kick the addiction of spying on you too much.

Your Reaction To The Breakup Creates An Interesting Control Vortex

One of the most interesting things that Dr. Ramsey brought up in his interview was the following excerpt,

“Sometimes if you act like the breakup wasn’t a big deal and you basically accept the breakup they (the dumper) starts to feel like they are losing a bit of that control and it can almost make them question their decision to break up with you. “

This can actually play in to that pogo sticking affect as well and the stalking concept in general.

But this leads me to the final point I’d like to make about dumpers and stalking.

Is It Healthy To Even Care about A Dumper Stalking You?

I don’t think so.

When you “stalk” or “Facebook creep” it can become habitual and it no longer becomes about feeding into your anxiety. It’s often because of a habit.

Think of it like this.

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Let’s say that every morning at eight you get up and drink your cup of coffee. While you are doing that you go into social media mode and the first profile you look at is your exes.

At first it’s purely led by your anxiety post breakup but as time continues to march on it becomes less about that and ingrained as a habit.

You get up, you drink your cup of coffee every day at eight in the morning. You check on your exes profile. That’s just the way it’s going to be.

Obviously we don’t want our clients overly focused on their exes post breakup. We want them focused on themselves and improving their lives.

It’s cliche I know but sometimes cliche works.

So, the question now becomes how do you break the habit?

How To Break The Unhealthy Habit Of You Social Media Stalking Your Ex?

Most people tend to recognize that they are doing this and they want to break the unhealthy habit but most people fail.

Why?

Well, they treat it kind of like a New Years resolution. I mean, we’ve all been there. We set a goal. We go from 0-100 to achieve that goal and ultimately we lose focus and fail that goal.

Dr. Ramsey makes the case to not go 0 to 100. Instead, do it in increments. If you are looking at your exes profile ten times a day back it down to nine the next day and so on and so forth.

Break the habit in a small way. Try not to do it all at once and you’ll find your life is a bit easier.