Do You Have A Chance At Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

699 thoughts on “Do You Even Have A Chance At Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Let’s Find Out!”

Laura

June 7, 2015 at 3:53 pm

Hi Chris,

I’m currently in NC but trying to make sense of my break up so I know what to fix and watch out for once we do get back together (speaking positively!). He cited 3 reasons: I got upset easily, we were in 2 different places in our lives, and his older brother broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. I will say I do think he is being honest with his reasons; he always maintained he would be honest with me even if it were to hurt my feelings.

I got upset easily because I experienced a deep loss that affected me greatly while we were dating, which I recognized and have been healing, though to be fair to him i was not very open with him about how affected I was. We aren’t in 2 different places; I want to go back to school for ultrasound and he wants to get his CFA, all which will take about 3 years. Neither of us wants a wedding and babies tomorrow. And what the heck does his brother’s relationship have to do with ours? Everyone says it sounds like he got super stressed from work and got cold feet with commitment, but he was the one throwing himself head first into commitment before I was. Can you help me make sense of this?
Pebble

June 6, 2015 at 9:18 pm

Dear Chris,

I am in a bit of an unusual situation; hopefully you have some advice you can give me. Approximately 16 months ago a coworker and myself started to fall in love and we slowly started what can best be qualified as an emotional affair. At that time I was in a failing marriage with someone with whom I have been together for 15 years (married for 3) until our divorce about half a year ago. My coworker is in a long term relationship (not married) and has two children (I have none and no interest in having any of my own). I think it’s important to note that my marriage did not end because of this emotional affair; it had it’s own problems.

During the 16 months we have been in love our feelings for each other have steadily grown. I know for me this can not be qualified as a rebound relationship. I genuinely feel this man comes as close to being a perfect match for me as can reasonably be expected. I have given much thought to this during this period. Aside from being in love, I also truly love and respect him for the person he is and he shares those feelings. We connect with each other on a very fundamental level, where we both understand each other really well even when we are being very cryptic (in company) due to the unusual situation, we share the same interests and passions, and when we stop thinking we gravitate towards each other automatically. There has never been an unkind word spoken between us. There have been a limited amount of sexual innuendos during this time, but neither of us have cheated on our partners physically.

During this time we have steadily gotten closer, reaching for each other’s company every time, doing little things for each other, until one of us panicked and things cooled off for a while, only to come back more intensely afterwards. This has continued until I could not take the uncertainty anymore, and especially couldn’t bear how it seemed to affect him, and decided to have a sit down conversation with him a few weeks ago. This was during a time where I could sense from him that he was having some real trouble dealing with his emotions in this, and we planned the conversation a week in advance.

In that conversation he basically said three things:
– he didn’t have anything to offer me
– I should focus on rebuilding my life after the divorce
– he thought we should keep our distance

He also indicated surprise that our feelings for each other had lasted as long has he did. He genuinely seems to have believed they would die out by themselves much earlier than this. Instead they’ve only grown.

To be clear, I have been working very hard and successfully at rebuilding my life after the divorce. I am pursuing my passions, meeting with friends and family, I find gratification in my job, and I am taking good care of myself.

After this conversation I basically cut off all contact with him for as far as possible. I think he was surprised at my thoroughness in this; he had suggested to ‘not specifically look for each other or sit together when it wasn’t necessary’. I limited my interaction on work matters to email and text where possible, kept any interactions short and to the point, and focused on other things.

I have now been in NC with him for 17 days (aiming for 30), and I am unsure how to proceed after no contact. Since we work together I have focused on being confident and taking good care of myself. I am now already noticing that he misses me, but he does not contact me directly. Instead he goes out of his way to make work-related things go more smoothly for me (even though it’s not technically part of his own job), and communicates with me very carefully either through coworkers or by making eye contact. He does not seem committed to getting over me, but seems more committed to giving me what I need. This also fits his personality, as he is generally unselfish and puts other people first. If his aim is to help me get over him, however, showing me love isn’t really helping.

My main issue is that I do not want to go back to the roller-coaster we were in before. The impression I have gotten from him is that he really felt inadequate at not being able to give me more than he could, because he flat out said he couldn’t offer me anything, but also because whenever I have asked him for anything (not all too often), no matter what, if he couldn’t give me that he always came up with some sort of alternative way to reach out to me and give me something. I think he does not really know what he wants, and I want to give him the space he needs to figure that out.

To be clear, if possible I would want him to be my life partner. If not, I would still like to have him be part of my life in some way, not because I feel I need him, but because I think we can really offer each other a great friendship if we can get past all the fire.

Do you have any advice for me? Also, what do you think of his behaviour: is he trying to let go of his own feelings or is he doing this merely to give me another chance at happiness? Thank you.

Love,
Pebble
Sarah

June 5, 2015 at 1:18 pm

What if I slept with someone during the NC period and one of his friends found out and told him? He’s currently in what I hope is a rebound relationship.
Em

June 4, 2015 at 9:29 pm

Hey Chris, my ex recently contacted me saying to me that he missed me and broke up with his girlfriend. He says he wants to talk with me more and we were broken up for a year. Now we planned to hang Monday. I just can’t tell if he wants the real thing what do I do?
Jenn

June 3, 2015 at 4:25 pm

My situation was not covered so I am seeking some advice. My ex and I dated for 7 months. I was the first relationship after he left his wife and I am beginning to think I was a rebound….anyway, I was blissfully happy and thought he was too…no real fights, we always had a great time together, he spoke of our future often, then suddenly and without warning he said he needed a break to get his life in order with the divorce and his kids, etc. I agreed because I wanted him to feel like he was in better control of his life and then a day later said it was permanent and is now (6 weeks later) with a new girl. The worst part of this situation is we work together and he sits right behind me. I cant do no contact because we see each other every day and work on the same projects very often. He does seem to go from friendly to cruel and back again and his behavior is not at all the man I loved and knew. HELP!!
Kiah

June 3, 2015 at 12:41 pm

Hi
My fiancee and i went our seperate ways about 2 weeks ago, however proir to all the fighting that led to the break up he was communicating with 3 other girls online via different social media apps, bot all at once this was over a period of 6 months and i caught him out every single time i felt like i had trust issues with him, not one of us exactly broke up with eachother officially but he said he was sick of us fighting and that he couldnt take it anymore so i packed up what i could and moved because i didnt want to have my heart broken and weve rarely spoken since when we have it was him initiating it via text about living arrangments bills etc but i still love him very much and think the decision was rash and out of fear im not quite sure what to do as i lnow i want him back but im not sure how to go about it

Chris Seiter

June 3, 2015 at 5:08 pm

What was he saying to them?

Was it innocent or was there flirting involved?

Renee

June 2, 2015 at 7:24 pm

So this guy and I have been seeing each other since about the end of October of 2014. He and I were friends and he came to the new city I had moved to for a visit. His family is also from the area. I had recently moved so it was great to have a friend come pay a visit. When we had first met around January of 2014, we flirted and texted a bit and hung out a few times but nothing ever really came of it. We were friends. He came to visit me at my new place and this all changed. He was on leave from the military. We went out had a great time and ended up talking from that point on. I trie several times to “end things” because we were already talking being long distance and it scared me and I wasn’t sure of my feelings for him. He wouldn’t take no for answer and by the time Christmas rolled around we were texting and talking to each other constantly. Needless to say his persistence worked. Things were great and going really well. I had gone back to visit him etc. He is military so the other way around didn’t really work. However, at one point he had expressed that things were progressing and our feelings were really strong for each other etc. We got into a big fight and he said he had to rethink some things about us but he knew we were going to be okay. He said things may not progress as fast as they were. Now, mind you, I had put the whole commitment and relationship thing on the back burner because things were wonderful how they were. Now that it was in my head, I realized it very well could be a possibility and something I might want with him. He had to go away for training for a couple weeks so we had no contact but we talked before and I felt things were going to be okay. Things changed a bit that time when he came back, he didn’t call or text immediately when he was able to and I knew things were different so I let it be and knew that he had to be 100% focused on work at that time. I went back to visit him at the completion of his training and it was wonderful. We had an amazing time together. He recently came back to visit me in-between his new assignment. We again, had a wonderful time. I also had been trying to figure out for myself if this thing was for real and what I meant to him and what we were doing. So I asked and his response was that his feelings for me are very strong and keep growing but “right now I can’t commit to anything with all that is changing for me.” Long story short, I said I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to talk for a bit because if there’s no possibility of something coming from it then what was the point. I know I acted on emotion but at the time I had to do something to protect myself. I don’t want him to think he can just have me hanging around waiting for him without giving me a clear understanding of where his head is. I wasn’t asking him to jump into a relationship right now but I needed to know that this actually means something to him because it does to me. He was upset when I said we shouldn’t talk and said he didn’t want it that way and I responded that I didn’t really have another choice. It’s been a week and I already miss talking to him or just being able to know that I can call him. I want to talk to him again and try to sort things out. We were sort of rushed in our last encounter because he had to leave that same night. I don’t feel like I was able to get everything out and I also stumbled over my words and became extremely tongue tied. What do I do? I hate this feeling and I hate not talking to him. We haven’t talked and I know he is the kind of person who will respect my wishes of asking him not to contact me. I want to get in touch with him, I just don’t know what to say. Text? Call? My friend suggested texting and also writing him a letter laying it all out. I am a fan of this idea but I’m not sure how he’ll respond and this way I can’t trip over my words. What should I do?

Chris Seiter

June 3, 2015 at 5:02 pm

Texting I will agree with but letters…

I am not a fan of them at all.

EmilyH

June 1, 2015 at 11:53 pm

Hi, so I just graduated from college and I sort of was friends with this guy who was a junior who claimed to have feelings for me. I liked him too and we kissed several times, use to hang together and talk on phone all the time. After a month that guy told me that he loves and when he used to say “i love you” to me I could feel it that he’s not bluffing, he asked me out but i turned him down saying that there is an age difference of four years between us. We weren’t in a relationship but the two of us knew that each had feelings for the other, he told me he has never loved anyone before, would care about me, would try to protect me, call me beautiful, save my pictures and even his friends would say that he has never liked any girl as much as he liked me. At that time I had an exboyfriend also in the same college who would try to talk to me though I didnt have feelings for him whatsoever and one day he saw me casually hugging my ex, it didnt mean anything, but he was pissed, he seemed broken and when i asked him if he loves me, he had a sad look on his face and nodded saying yes I do. Days passed and the my last days arrived, I was graduating and not coming back to college. On the day of our final exam I tried to talk to him and his attitude was weird. I kept asking but he said nothing’s wrong. I tried talking to him during the vacations but he kept avoiding me, then after a week went the next semester started I went to college to confront him, I could feel the change in his attitude but he told me nothing was wrong, I told him that I love him too (something I said in return when he told me he loves me) and to my surprise a guy who was so “in love” with me that he would cry for me said “I have moved on,you took long enough, now I’ve moved on.” He refused to even being friends with me; not clearly but it was obvious, I asked him to atleast stay as my friend but he refused and all his friends started to hate me too. I was so embarrassed that I stopped talking to him, then after four months I called him and tried to talk to him. He talked to me 50 minutes, we planned to meet up after a week but days before we were supposed to meet up he said he’s busy he wont be able to meet me, which was clear that was again avoiding me, I texted him once and he did reply once or twice, then he changed his number, i told him I was getting married just and so contacted to tell him and wanted to meet him before that clearly telling him I was not over him, he told it would be hard for me so i shouldnt meet him. After that he stopped replying me, on everywhere I could possibly contact him at. I really do miss him and I love him as he treated me like a princess though I was four years older than him, but sometimes I wonder if he ever did love me or not, or if he really has moved on or is trying to do so. I dont want him back as I cant but please tell me do you think he actually did love me? will he ever apologize for being rude in the end.
Irene

June 1, 2015 at 5:43 pm

Chris, you are wonderful! Question: My bf & I dated for several months before he took an out of State assignment for 10 months. Within 4 weeks of his return, we broke up, it was his idea, not mine. I did not stick to the “no contact” rule because he continued to call, text & email me. I have not initiated any contact with him, I respond to his overtures. We are in the 3rd week of the break up and I have pulled away and ignored some of his emails & text messages, not responding at all or responding after he re-initiates and contacts me a second time, etc. He just asked me if I would go out to dinner with him and I gave him which night works best. I have some things of his and he has some things of mine. What are the chances we can patch this up?
Margaret

May 31, 2015 at 4:59 pm

Chris, your books is great! And I was already doing the No Contact thing. We broke up about 3 weeks ago, we’ve had no contact for just over a week (we’ve run into each other twice, we live in a small town. Both times I have been polite, but quickly ended the convo and moved on). The break up came kind of out of nowhere, for me. He said the reason for the break up was commitment issues due to a semi-recent divorce. He feels he needs to be selfish right now and isn’t ready for a relationship. He said its not right for him right now, and doesn’t see us getting back together, but doesn’t know what the future holds. Is he confused? Is it a fear of commitment? Or is it the relationship (which was always happy and fun, but got serious very quickly). Thoughts?
Angel

May 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

Hey Chris… So I REALLY need help… My boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half.

For about a month before he broke up with me, he was very distant and seemed depressed. Naturally, I tried to help him, but that just ended up hurting me because there would be no reaction from him when I would try to help. I tried scheduling fun dates and just generally tried to really let him know that I was there for him and that I wanted to make him happy.

Three days after Prom, two weeks before graduation, he broke up with me. It was a Wednesday. The next Friday, we sat down and talked. I asked him a lot of questions, there was a lot of crying on my part, and no reaction from him (which was really unusual). We came to the consensus that we would still be friends.

It’s been 30 days that I’ve had no contact with him via messaging/calling/etc. However, because of circumstances that I can explain, I’ve talked a little with his Aunt and Uncle (whom he lives with). On the 22nd, the day before I left to go live in my apartment, I gave his Aunt and him a letter as well as I gave him his favorite sweatshirt back. Hers was basically a thank you letter, and his was the “I hope you find that girl you’re looking for” letter. I hadn’t talked to him for two weeks, and after he reads the letter, he says “you need to stop trying to get me back. I’ve moved on, you should too”. The 26th, I saw him at Freshman Orientation, and there’s a whole lot of story with that…

Point is, it’s been 30 days, I’m still so in love with him… He’s the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before bed. I don’t know if I want him back or not, but I just REALLY NEED your help. Please. I don’t know what to do, and this is going to be the death of me…

I really need you to help me… Please, I’m begging, I need to talk to you about everything and get advice…
Cece

May 27, 2015 at 11:48 pm

Hi Chris,

First off, I want to let you know that I am a high school student and not just an average one – an exchange student. I came to America about 9 months ago and am currently running on my 274th day with only 19 days left here. Yep, 19! So as you will probably understand, I don’t have a lot of time to work with. To start this off: I fell in love with an American guy. I will try to make a long story short, so you will have an idea of what our relationship was like:
Obviously I am still just a very young girl who has a lot to learn. But when I came to America my life completely changed and along with it, so did my perception of love. I have talked to a couple of guys while being here, but when my ex boyfriend and I first started talking and hanging out, I knew that this was different. He took me to a whole new level of happiness and I could feel the warmth all the way from my toes up to my ears. Literally. Everything was so real with him and for the first time in my life, I felt completely and fully comfortable with a guy. We had our ups and downs though. He has a very insisting ex girlfriend from earlier in high school, and she was not one to challenge. When my ex and I were together, she would do everything in her power to try and break us up. And she is good at what she does. Some days, I would break down, not because of complications in our relationship, but simply because she would make my life a living hell. She never succeeded though, and he would keep pushing her away. Everything was going so well, we were getting somewhere and things got better every day. Until one day, he changed. I had kissed him goodbye the day before with a “see you soon”, everything being even better than it normally was. But suddenly he became so distant, and nothing I said or did seemed to please him. I found out that he had talking to the not-so-friendly ex again – I then later found out that he only did it to protect me and keep her away. But it just got harder and harder. He wouldn’t respond to my texts, he wouldn’t meet up with me, he wouldn’t pick up when I called… It became clear to me that he was probably not going to.
So I broke up with him last week. Not because I wanted to… Every little part of my aching body was telling me not to, to keep trying and to make things work. But in the end, I simply just gave up. I knew that if I didn’t break up, it would only be a matter of time before he did, and I thought that if I had no chance of keeping them, then I could at least keep my pride.
Now, he is already talking to a new girl, who actually is not so new, because he talked to her in between me and the one, that treated me very badly. And the problem is, that I actually like this new girl. She is very kind, and I would completely want for her to find a good guy. But it has been less than a week… As much as I truly want to see him be happy, I am hurting so much and I just want him back. We have made so many amazing memories already and to me, they are the hardest part to this whole thing. Looking back, I just… Miss him. As in really really miss him. I know (!) that he did feel somewhat the way I did when we were together. We enjoyed each others presence so much, we were so happy.

Now, my question to you is: what do I do? If I could, I would’ve followed the NC rules completely, but as I said, I am running out of time… All I have left is 19 days. And because of that, what I also want to ask you is: should I try? Because I want him so much it hurts my heart to think about it. But not knowing what is going to happen when I leave, should I even bother? I don’t know what the odds are for a relationship surviving across the Atlantic Ocean, but I would do anything I could to make it work. I really truly think, that what we had was real and something worth fighting for, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t try to take him away from this other girl. If I felt like she could really make him happy, I would back off, because that is all I want for him. But there is one thing I want more than for him to be happy.. And that is for him to be happy with me. Just like he was about two weeks ago. Everything just seems so confusing to me, and I am losing myself in this. With everything being said, I also just really want to enjoy my last time in America. I know your whole career is about getting people back together… But with this being such a difficult situation, I just need to know… Should I let it go?

Thank you.
Jess

May 25, 2015 at 10:09 pm

Hello Chris!

I bought your e-book last night and now I have finished it! Really great information. Hopefully it helps my situation.

Anyway, I have a couple questions, but before I do that I will give a short background on me and my ex and our breakup.

Our breakup:
We broke up on Friday. He did it over the phone. Says that he feels like his heart is not into anymore and feels he’s not ready for a relationship anymore. I asked for real reasons. He wouldn’t give them. Says there is not another girl. Says that something “changed” and he’s felt this way for a couple of weeks. He says he’s confused. I told him that was bullshit and how can you love someone for all this time and then suddenly change?

Our relationship:

I think we have a communication problems. We NEVER fought. Although, we would playfully “argue”social ideas or politics for hours. We have same basic views on life. Want the same things for our future. I want kids, he does too buts wants to wait a few years. Which I agreed would be smart. We both want to travel. He’s a little more free spirited then me. I have lots of goals like buying a house and building my company. He just wants a good job (he’s just finished training to be a firefighter.) and have the freedom to travel. I have the mindset that though hard work you can be both responsible and give yourself the freedom you want.

It was a blindsided breakup. I had no idea. We were together for almost 7 months. Everything was wonderful ( or so I thought). No cheating. No signs whatsoever. We held hands everywhere we went. It was nearly the honeymoon phase for most of the entire relationship. I have tried to think logically if everything that went wrong. I am at the conclusion that we spent too much time together. And neither one of had enough space.

How I have reacted to the breakup:

I have been NC since he I ended the phone call on Friday. No texts, no Facebook. His relationship status changed on Friday to blank. I changed mine to single.

On the phone, I was emotional on phone and was crying. No begging. He had tried to arrange for me to get a few things he has at his place, but I had told him that I needed time and I think I maybe have said that I can’t talk to him for at least 2 weeks and that I don’t want to be friends. It would be too painful.

Anyhow, here’s my first question:

I need to get back my stuff. How should I go about that? He lives with his parents currently while he went to school for more training. So I can contact his mom to pick up my things while he is at work. Would this break NC? Should I wait until the 30 day NC is over? I want to be independent and get my stuff, but I don’t want to make him think I hate him. (I do only part of the time for breaking my heart). Which leads to my 2nd question.

2nd question:
How do I put it out there that I am receptive to get back together? I have cut him off completely and implied I want nothing to do with him. I feel when I get my stuff he will think that it’s over and he doesn’t have a chance and I have moved on. And after is NC is over it will seem strange when I text him. How should I handle this?

Lastly, what are my chances of getting him back?

Any insight you can provide would be wonderful. Thank you!

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:25 am

1. You are allowed to break NC to get your stuff back.

2. No need… That happens after NC is completed in the re-attraction phase.

Jeri

May 25, 2015 at 1:16 am

My husband and I divorced after 10 years due to him being unhappy. He started seeing a girl just a week after the divorce was final, but was getting closer to her during the separation. We cannot be on strict NC because we are still selling our house.
So I am on general break up and he is seeing another girl (not yet 2 weeks) but everyone says it is a rebound.
I guess my question is where do you think I fall on the scale?

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:18 am

You can break NC to talk about these matters.

Beth

May 23, 2015 at 8:22 pm

Hi Chris! My boyfriend broke up with me about 4 months ago. We were together for two years and for the majority of the time we were happy with one another, we communicated well, and accepted each other’s flaws. However, after we graduated college I noticed he started to become distant. We both moved backed with our parents, we didn’t live 5 minutes away from each other anymore so we saw each other 3 times week opposed to everyday, and he soon realized he hated where he worked.

He was always the homebody type and I was always more outgoing, but during the last 3 months of our relationship he rarely tried to do anything with me. He just wanted to stay in all the time. So, I began to complain more about him not trying in the relationship. He eventually told me that he was clinical depressed and he had been since he was kid. He would have episodes about 6 months before he started dating me. Apparently, he had never been as happy for as long as he had until he met me. I told him that he needed to seek help like counseling, medication or something. It freaked me out, but I was willing stick out with him. He told me he didn’t think any of that would work and he would just need to wait it out. All he did for weeks was complain about his job and how miserable he was and I tried to remind him that would things would get better, but I eventually got fed up one afternoon and told him we should take a break. Right after I said that I wanted to take it back, but he wanted to give it a try even for a few days. So we took a short break and he said he didn’t feel any different and he wanted to try for a few weeks. I agreed and I was upset. I told him that it needed to last at least two weeks and he needed to figure out if he really loved me and if not to let me go.

Once the break ended he contacted me so we could meet up and talk. I knew then that it was over. Later that day we met at a park and I told him that I was willing to start over again, but he told me as much we wanted to make things work, he couldn’t. He said he would be happy to start over, but after a few weeks he would just get back into his depressive slump and start hurting me again and didn’t want that. He told me he had been forcing himself to do things with me the last couple of weeks to make me happy. He kept saying we could try again in 6 months and I said no because it’s fair for me to wait. After we calmed down he started to talk about Tinder and dating other people and I was shocked so I told him I made out with a guy at a party during the break, he didn’t seem to be affected. He just laughed it off.

Anyway, I went a month without contacting him before I left him a voicemail saying that I hope he’s doing better and seeking me. He replied saying that breaking up with me was incredibly difficult, that he’s still trying to figure everything out, and he the past month hadn’t been easy on him. He then asked me to meet for lunch and I agreed. I knew I wasn’t ready to have lunch, but I was curious. Lunch lasted almost two hours and it was awkward at first and I held my guard up. He started to talk about his friends were trying to get him date and I asked him why he was talking about this stuff and he said it was a defense mechanism. He eventually told me that he had cried a lot and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be as happy again or feel anything new. Towards the end lunch it felt good to be there and talk to him again. He was the one who ended lunch and he offered to walk me to my car, but I said no. He asked for hug at the end as well.

A few days later I messaged him about something that had happened to a mutual friend and we messaged for hours about everything, but he finally stopped responding. Later that night I was feeling impulsive and drove to his house to ask him if he thought there was a second chance for us. He said I caught him off guard and he wish he had an answer, but he really hadn’t thought about it since it only had been a month and half since the breakup. I told that it was okay that I guess I should get over him now. I told him to not be a stranger and I went back to car.

A little over a month after that I messaged him again about one of his favorite bands coming to town to play a show and he talked about that for a few minutes and he stopped replying. After that I told myself to stop trying, but a strong part of me doesn’t want to give up. The thing is I know I’m okay without him and the last four months have been a great growing period. I’m back in shape, doing things I use to love, I’m more adventurous than ever, I see a beauty in being alone, I hangout with family and friends, I’m more devoted to my work, etc. I’ve even gone on dates with other guys, but I just have this odd feeling that there’s still something there even though we’re not together and he’s not contacting me. I want to be with him because of who he is, flaws and everything. I’m not holding on because I’m lonely or don’t believe anyone will love me. I’m not that type of person. Usually, I don’t let these type of things consume me, I move forward and I just go with the flow, but I can’t with him. It’s been almost two months since the last message I sent him. Am I crazy? What should I do? Nothing? Do you have any advice? Thank you
Grace

May 21, 2015 at 12:24 am

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago. He said we are in different position in life and he wants to move on and be successful in life. He is 35 year old and i’m 20. He got divorced a year ago and he has 2 kids. We were together right after his divorce. We just celebrated our first anniversary 2 weeks ago. Then he went to a business trip. He called me after the first week of his trip, saying that he wants to break up but he still wants to be friends. He said he’ll always love me, support me and be there for me. Even during our relationship, he always say he will always love me. I cried and beg and did all that kind of stuff I shouldn’t do on the first day. Yesterday, I read your website and I talk to him in a rational way. We had a ok chat over the phone and texts. I said I respect his decision. Today, I read more articles on your website and decided to follow the NC rule. But I still have a few doubts:
1. He might go to another country in September. He believes he will have a better chance there. If we’re not getting back together and he is leaving so soon, I would want to spend more time with him instead of NC.
2. He wants to break up because of our big age gap and our different position in life, so there is nothing I can do to solve this problem. Even if we get back together now, we probably will break up again.
3. He said he probably will date another woman soon. He met her a few months ago. She is in the ‘right’ age range and she is interested to go to the country that he is planning to go. If he gets a new girlfriend, the chance of us getting back together will be even lower.
So should I try to get him back? should I still follow the NC rule? or what should I do?
He is my first boyfriend. I really don’t know what to do. Please give me some advice!
Thank you so much!

Grace

Grace

May 21, 2015 at 4:58 am

My boyfriend is so worried and he said if i dont text him back he’ll call the police. So i texted him in a really short way. Do i have to re do the NC rule?

Samantha

May 20, 2015 at 8:56 am

Hi Chris,
I have a very strange story… I started an fwb relationship with my ex. This was not to get him back, I was over him and we became friends again. We first made a deal that we could openly share anything with each other, which turned into fwb slowly. We were not really happy with the no strings attached thing, but we were exclusive even though we didn’t have to. It started to be an even better relationship than we used to have. And we weren’t even dating, we were just friends. He also told me he wanted me to take his virgiinity. He knew I am a virgin too, and he also knew that I was saving myself for someone special. He told me he understood, but that that was his reason to choose me. He knew he would be comfortable with me and that I would never make fun of him for ruining it. I decided he was special enough, but we never had the chance to actually do it. We are both almost 18 and live with our parents. We did have a chance, but I said no because I knew that I wasn’t 100% sure yet. He respected my decision.

Things started to get weird after a while. First, he said he didn’t want anymore fwb, but he later agreed to a “we won’t plan to have sexual stuff, but if it’s happens it would be nice”. On April fools he told me he never wanted to see me again, but that was a cruel joke. I laughed about it, but I admitted to being hurt because it made me realize how important he was to me. He understood that this had gone a little bit to far and made it up to me by coming over. We basically cuddled all day.

After this, he became more distant. He told me he didn’t want to discuss sex as much as we used to. I was losing weight because I was stressed for my finals, and I was already underweight. It affected my mood very badly, so I avoided any subject that might make me feel bad. That meant we had nothing to talk about, because I was in a really bad condition. I started forgetting things easily. I also forgot to tell him what was going on. With my health, which was kinda stupid.

He wanted to go the zoo with me, and while we were there, I started to get more energy. We had so much fun, and at that moment it really felt as a relationship. I could see in his eyes that he really loved me. And in his behavior too. We walked arm in arm, he laughed at all my jokes (no matter how stupid), he turned rad as soon as we were in a situation that would fit in a romantic movie perfectly and in the end we looked for a spot where we had enough privacy te make out and he held me really close. It was really romantic and expected him to make it official.

In the week after that, we had even less to talk about. He also bought Skyrim and became very moody. He started to be unreasonable and irrational, which is not like him at all. In the end, I talked about sex again. I shared some details I was insecure about, and he got unreasonably mad. He told me I was disgusting (even though the info I shared was normal stuff that every woman has) and that he didn’t want to know it. I told him that I assumed that him asking “what do you mean?” was a clear sign that I could explain myself, and that this was a weir response. I didn’t get a reply, so I apologized for my appearant mistake and he turned “do not disturb” on on Skype.

He ignored me for two days, and after that he told me he didn’t want to hang out wit me anymore. I told him that I wanted to know why, but he refused to tell and said that I should just move on. I told him that an explanation would make moving on easier, but he refused. He said it was none of my business. I asked him if it had anything to do with me talking about fwb too often, and he said that it was one of the reasons. I also pointed out tha it poorly timed, because I had my finals in less than two weeks. “I don’t care” was his reply. I asked him if I could at least get a worthy goodbye, and he told me I could get one if I stopped begging. I told him that I wasn’t begging, but asking for an explanation. And that it was hard to lose my best friend. And that I was still prepeared to forgive him and be his best friend again if he wanted me to. And I asked him to remember me in a positive way. He blocked me a few minutes after that without replying.

I immediately went into NC, which I didn’t break. He did though. He send me a song that was cut from the game Portal 2. It was called “Don’t say goodbye” and that’s what it’s about. Not wanting someone to leave. You can look it up on YouTube if you want. I was confused, because he just used a song called “don’t say goodbye” to say goodbye. I played Portal in hopes of finding out what it meant, but two weeks after the “break up” and one week after the song, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I sent him a message on whatsapp in which I calmly explained my confusion and jokingly said that I felt betrayed (which was a Portal reference. The cake was a lie. And I really wanted cake). He immediately replied and told me that it fits the situation. I asked if he meant it as “I don’t want you to leave, please come back” and he said no. I told him that that me
Add me sad, because he had been a good friend ad that I would miss him. But I just told him that. I wasn’t begging him. It was a “I miss you really bad but I’ll survive” thing. He read it but didn’t reply. I send him a “well, I guess this is goodbye…” Which he didn’t read. Then I send him a “*gives you one last hug* bye” and closed whatsapp. He read bot messages ten minutes later and I saw him being online every twenty minutes. I suppose he was rereading my messages, because he is never online just to check. And if he was talking to someone else, he would have been online every minute. It was the last time I had contact with him.

This behavior is very strange, and my guess is that he started to fall in love with me but thought he didn’t have a chance. The “more friends, less sex” stuff is the best way to turn an fwb into a relationship, and if that fails you should get out. I know him well enough to know that his behavior meant that he loved me but was confused because we were fwb. Knowing him, he really wants me back but is afraid to get hurt. I assume he really does love me, but thinks that I don’t love him as more than a friend. On the other hand, I know I tend to over analyze stuff like this. I don’t know what to do because I’m going to the same school as him next year, and his birthday is this week and he is very likely to show up at my graduation (his friends graduate too).

What should I do on his birthday? (I was thinking about a simply text with a cute image of his favorite Pokemon and the text “happy birthday” and noting more) and on my graduation? (I was thinking about looking my best and making small talk) and in general? (Here I was thinking about letting him come to me) and on my new school? (I was thinking about looking happy and confident and not contacting him but not deliberately ignoring him either).

Sorry for the long story and the large amount to questions. I hope you can advise me.
Samantha

Chris Seiter

May 20, 2015 at 2:56 pm

If you are in NC then don’t say anything on his birthday.. You are in NC.

Lindsey

May 18, 2015 at 3:04 am

So how does the chance of us getting back together change if we broke up for general reason and he cut off all contact. I found out I’m pregnant literally a week after we broke up and send him texted and email which he received but won’t respond to all all. He then got a new “gf” within 2 – 3 weeks of us breaking up but they don’t seem too serious.

I’ve read your page on pregnancy and have started no contact pretty much 2 months after our breakup. Hopefully not too late.
Patty

May 14, 2015 at 9:12 am

Hi Chris,

I’d been in long distance relationship for almost 7 years (2 years together at uni, and 5 years on LDR). He just broke up with me after we spent 2-week holidays together (we did meet each others for a couple of weeks, 2-3 times a year. me flying there or he coming here), said that the long distance took its toll and his feeling has changed.

For the first week, I did ALL the things you said the girls shouldn’t do.. crying, begging, telling him he’s the best thing ever happened in my life, desperation, etc…

I stopped all communications with him for 3 weeks now after my friend advised me not to if I want him back.

But when he broke up with me, I asked him if there is anything I could do to change it. He said no and there’s no going back.

He told my sister that he could not give what I want (to get back together)… what do you think about my situation? Do you think there is anyway I can win him back?

Please get back to me as soon as possible. Thank you in advance!
Camille

May 13, 2015 at 1:39 am

Hi Chris
I sent any email to you so I’m going to resend it

First off I’m a high school girl but I was a very unhappy person before. I mean I do a lot for school and I love it but sometimes it takes a toll on me. When me and my boyfriend were dating he made me feel happy but I was still not happy with myself. At a point apparently he didn’t want to deal with it anymore and said “Camille it’s not you its me I feel you need to be happy because I can’t deal with your stress we need to break up”. Three days of the relationship broken I was a mess. Then one day he called me up and we started fighting because of people spreading rumors which of course knowing high school everyone needs a scape goat and I was a target. He was yelling and screaming and kept repeating “Its over” “It’s over”. To me and then that was it. I just lost it. I know I had to make myself a better person because I still loved him and I wanted him back more then anything but I knew I couldn’t unless I better myself. I stumbled onto your website to know what I can do to get him back. I started doing the 30 day no contact rule. During the time now (I’m on day 13) I do things I love. I help with my family. I also go to church. I make more films for me and the school just to keep myself occupied. Also I’m usually with my friends every week so I wouldn’t look like I’m home crying in a tube of ice cream. Your 30 day rule works I’m basically a better me. It helps so much. I mean we do have the same chemistry class for an hour but, the no contact rule works perfectly and I feel so much better with myself. The only thing now is guidance from you. I’m worried I will mess something up. I don’t know if the rules change since we’re both in high school but, I just need help on what to do then just have a teenage perspective on relationships. I’m so happy now but, he just makes me happier if I was with him. My issue is he has a huge ego I can never tell his personality. When he’s alone say in the hall way he gives me sincere looks.
But in public he will act like the biggest a hole in the entire world. He says hurtful things to make it sound like he moved on. They don’t affect me as much. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s a phase or not. I do have a lot to say to him I’m just trying to figure out what to say. He tells everyone of our peers it’s over were over repeatedly. In my heart I know it’s not over. I can’t hate him I can never. I have been nothing but a lady during the NC rule. I would never talk trash to him about anyone. My 30 days are up around May 22nd. He’s going to North Carolina around that time. I just want to know what to say to him. Because I do want him back he makes me the happiest person in the world. The world sees him as a villain now I still see him as that sweet man I met back in December.?Please Chris your a blessing from God to me. I need your help. It would mean the world to me. I want to be strong and to figure out what to say to him. I want is to restart because I’m a better me. I want his perspective of me to change from the sad depress girl he knew to the fun lovin happiness women he will see if we return together. Please get back to me soon I need answers
Thank you

Camille Hernandez