Do You Have A Chance At Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

699 thoughts on “Do You Even Have A Chance At Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Let’s Find Out!”

Marilyn

May 12, 2015 at 5:17 pm

Hi Chris, l met this guy 5 months ago and we became very close. We have the same interests and we have a very strong complicity. The thing is that he never knew if he wanted to commit and ltely he would never show any sign of affection nd i hve been very reprehensive. Yesterday we had a talk, we have a great communication. And he told me he wonder why he wont kiss or touch me so often. He wonders if he is just this way or if he doesnt feel love. And he decidee we should mybe stop seeing eachother, because he doesnt know if he will devellop love for me bit cant see making me feel this wy anymore. I know he will miss me crazy, but since i dont know if he ever been in love, if i get a shot doing this NC rule.
We spoke this morning, he said he will never be sure of the decision and will be the first to mias me but right now he doesnt feel anh love so he cant give me want i want.
I consider him as an ex because like I said, we have a very good relation, and I know there are chances that I he missea me enough, he might realise he actually loved me, or he will fall for me. He even told me he wouldnt like seeing me with someone else, and he would understand if i wanna cut contact but thats not whats he wants.
Im not sure if I should just try to move on, because i really appreciate and love him, or if I should try to show him i can be independant and “ungettable”, because I have to admit, i might have been a bit pushy and it might have turned him off.

By the way, I went through so many sites bout that, and god it ia crazy how mny women live the same things, it makes me wonder if we should really stick to relation that might be meant to fail. But I guess we all wish we are the exception.

But thanks for your site, honestly it is poasibly the only efficient one.
Everything you say is so frustrating but so true ! Maybe we watched too many movies with princesses and prince when we were young. Love has become a reason to live and it is never as easy as we ought to be.
Thanks again, i hope you have something to say about my situation.
Marilyn

Chris Seiter

May 13, 2015 at 12:38 pm

Hahah I started laughing when you said the princess and the prince comment because I think its true.

I really think you should give NC a try and I mean really give it a try.

Lucy

May 11, 2015 at 7:08 am

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year- he’s 25 and I’m 20. I’m still at college. He recently moved across the country for a job that no one could really put down, it was an amazing opportunity for him. We agreed to do a long distance relationship, I would be visiting 2 months after he moved for 2 weeks (college break) and then I could see what I thought of where he was living and could easily switch colleges.
He calls me on his work lunch and always called me every night- usually for a few hours! He told me every single detail about his day and messaged me throughout the day too. I loved this but he never said he loved me or missed me- I said everything was going great (much better than how I expected) except for that minor thing. He for some reason got really annoyed- saying I was critisising his behaviour and saying that I’m trying to change him? One thing lead to another, says he wants to break up, says it’s all to hard saying he wants a girlfriend and who lives there because it’s convenient?

I had so many solutions, but he was so fixed on ending things. I stopped crying, said good luck with the new job and said it was good what we had. Haven’t contacted him since. It has been 2 days. Perhaps it’s stress to do with the new job/surroundings? I’m planning on doing NC, how long until he misses/contacts me? He’s told me he deeply regrets ending things with another girlfriend due to geography
Taylor

May 10, 2015 at 2:16 pm

Hi Chris,

So my ex and I broke up about a month ago. It was a heat of the moment fight and he mentioned being scared of relationships. Anyways, I didn’t the no contact rule, we’ve exchanged a few texts, which the first one was a happy yet distant response from hi
And we have even bumped into each other in which he approached me and started the ck conversation. I was civil yet distant as well. I recently had a surgery and he texted me asking if I was doing okay and how I was feeling. All seems positive. However, we have not really mended things from the fight/break up and he acts as if that never happened. What should I do next? Keep texting him gradually? Or when I bump into again (we ride the same bus to work) how should I interact? He’s a challenge type guy, something you keep mentioning. Thanks Chris!! 🙂
Louise

May 8, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Hey Chris,

My bf and I broke up 3 months ago. Before the breakup, he got stressed about alot of things and got confused about us even if everything was ok before that. He asked for space, which I did for a while. But after 8 days of no talking, I got angry and gave him an ultimatum. We broke up but he said he’s still open to reconciling. we did no contact for 2 weeks as we discussed then when we were about to meet up, he kept postponing. So after that, I just kept my tone friendly when I text, not talking about the relationship, nor about meeting up.

Months passed. I talked to him and person and I told him I missed him. He said the same thing but he said it’s just bad timing. What should I do? I’m leaving the country in a month as well.
Pigeon47

May 8, 2015 at 9:27 am

My situation is a slightly strange combination of a lot of things and I wanted a neutral male perspective. Sorry this is a little long but it’s complicated. My ex and I were together for 7 years. We met at work and started to get to know each other because I wasn’t happy in my marriage and we sat across from each other and started talking. My husband and I didn’t really have a strong relationship and we both met someone else at the same time (without the other knowing). The someone else I met was J who helped me see that I could be happy and when I left my husband, I moved in immediately with him because I had no where else to go. J was single and had been for probably the last 8 or 9 years so he didn’t have any ties. We had the typical honeymoon period which lasted about 3 months until we left his place and rented somewhere together. As I was going through separating with my husband and starting this relationship with J, things weren’t as equal of a partnership as they should have been and he did most of the work to keep us going. I got stuck in that role in the relationship even when things got sorted with my ex husband but I never gave the best of me to J because I guess I thought he’d always be there and always support me and he seemed to “like” to be responsible. I know now that he felt anger and some resentment for that early time but he likes to “fix” things and stick with what he does, so he became content with us and I thought he was happy. 4 and a half years ago we bought a house together and while there wasn’t quite the hearts and flowers romance I want or thought he liked doing, I was happy; he makes me happy and I thought he was happy too. We got engaged in August 2014 as well but amid some difficult personal circumstances.

Fast forward to last year and his mom was unexpectedly diagnosed with a brain tumor. She went through chemo and radiation but unfortunately, this didn’t really help. In fact, the side effects meant that she couldn’t walk or communicate much during her last few months. She and J’s dad moved up nearer to their kids and they ended up spending her last 3 months in a local hospice. J is the type of person whom everyone relies on to fix things. Everyone depends on him to find solutions and seeks his advice. He is just like his mom. His mom was the only person who didn’t put those demands on him and when she died in October, he lost that one person he could rely on. He did an interview with his parents before his mom started treatment and in watching it back, you can see that she wasn’t very happy in her life or her marriage of 50 years. I think she was in recent years but not always. In seeing that, and watching her deteriorate, J decided at the end of December that he wasn’t happy with us and didn’t want to look back in 40 years with regrets. He said he wanted us to try though. I tried for about a month but he didn’t make much effort and we broke up at the end of January.

Now, the slight other complication is that in November, J got a new member of his team who he works with closely (just like how we started) and who was obviously new, interesting, and a big distraction from the fact that his mom just died and she made him happy. Before we officially broke up in January and even after (he didn’t move out until the end of March) he would talk about her and say that they get closer and closer every day; she’s easy to get along with etc. I have friends who still work there and none of the women like her as she tries way too hard to make friends. I do know that she has a lot of unresolved childhood issues, mental health and self harm and has just broken up with her on again off again boyfriend of two years. I also know that about 2 weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend, J confessed to her that he likes her, a lot!!, and thinks they have a happy, bright future, that fate brought them together. This was at the beginning of April. It’s her birthday at the end of May and I know he is going overboard trying to buy and plan things for her but I think because of her other issues, she is not as enthusiastic as he is, but she does like him and the attention. Knowing him and how he is acting (it’s all very familiar from us 7 years ago), he will go in full speed ahead and will probably end up getting burned, especially as he is her boss, though I think his job will be fine as he is a huge asset to them.

Given everything for both J and the other woman, I don’t think this will be the happily ever after that he thinks it might be so I am giving him space and watching it all unfold. I think it is a rebound for both of them, if it even develops into a proper relationship. She has a lot of issues and wants things to move slow and no one at work to know, and won’t stay out with him past 8pm etc. So, I guess my main questions are: can men just flip a switch after 7 years and all that we’ve been through and go straight to someone else; am I a reminder of all that happened last year and that’s why he ran away and didn’t want to try; or is it the grass is greener scenario and I should just try to give him time and space? Even though we’ve broken up, he hasn’t fully moved all his things out, he moved around the corner and gave me a key to his rented place and until two weeks ago, he was talking to me and seeing me occasionally. I haven’t been contacting him or asking about us because I know his head is somewhere else. The only time we talked about us about a month ago, he said he hasn’t decided yet, as the point of him moving was to give him space so he could decide what would make him happy. When we were broken up but still living together he said a few times there was a strong chance we’d get back together but I know he had feelings for the other woman by then, though he was affectionate with me and we did sleep together 3 times (our physical relationship, besides holding hands and hugging, was almost completely non-existent in the last 6 months we were together but I thought that was because of everything with him mom). Before that he also said he hopes we don’t get back together because that would mean he failed. He said he’ll always love me and that the best part of our relationship was companionship. Maybe he never was really in love with me at all after the first three months…? But why stay for 7 years and get engaged??

I know there are no guarantees to anything but I don’t want to have hope and get my heart broken even more. I do still love him and have made a lot of changes in myself since we split and I want to show him the good parts of me that I didn’t give him when we were together.

Thanks
Kimberly

May 7, 2015 at 1:47 am

I really need your help! So my boyfriend broke up with me a little over 2 weeks ago. (I realize it’s too soon to expect him back). I feel crushed without him. Anyways, we were together for a little over a year, in a long distance relationship. We had become so close and spent all of our nights skyping and were always talking. He promised he would never leave me and said he wanted to marry me. We even had little matching rings. Then randomly after a normal night, the next day he ignored me. This went on for 4 days until I started texting him. I called and texted and wanted a reply back because one of his friends told me he wanted to break up with me. His reasoning was that he wanted to focus on college and finding a new job and getting his life together. He also told me that “things weren’t going to work out” because he wouldn’t be able to come. The next few days he started dating his ex. I only know because I’ve been stalking his new social media (of course not letting him know). He told me we could be friends, but never responded to my texts and blocked my number. I’m now trying the no contact rule. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? I need your help! Will he come back to me? Thank you.
Rebecca

May 5, 2015 at 3:42 pm

Hi Chris,
I have reached out to you a couple of times, I know you are very busy. There is a lot of heart broken ladies out there!! I am one of them….so if you could reply I would be grateful.
I met a man on a dating website, I am 42 and he is 48. We are both single parents. We spoke on the phone within a day and met within 2 days. There was an instant attraction and both our knees went weak when we first kissed.
Over 2 months of laughter, every day communication, attraction and just plan old fun occurred.
We were two peas in a pod……EXCEPT we never found time to properly go out on a date. I know this seems like a joke but between his child custody schedule (which favors his ex wife) and his job we never could get in sync with plans. I have an easier schedule and help with my child (my mother helps and I live close to my job); he has his child every other day and works the longest shifts in between (no family around). We also lived an hour away from each other but he works in my neck of the woods so we saw each other before work, after work, during work……sleepovers when we could. We saw each other atleast 2 to 3 times a week and spoke via phone and text several times a day. We had planned a first date finally after a month but both came down with the flu and we both had to cancel last minute; nothing says a bad first date then a box of Kleenex between us. He used to always say to me that “we” would get there once our schedules could be molded to better suit our relationship. He never made me guess about him or his intentions. We were having a great time together!!
Within a week of meeting each other, he decided to move closer to his job (his lease was expiring); this would be also closer to me (by about 30mins)….but still be within distance from his child. He was very sensitve and open with me. We talked about moving forward without being hasty. He is a Taurus and I am a Libra….both ruled by Love but I am wishy washy and he is very grounded.
I am a fully single mom, my son’s father is non-existant and after the hell I went through with him I took myself out of the dating game for 4 years until I met this man. He was not concerned by my absence from the dating world and it excited him to know he was breaking down the ten foot walls wrapped with bob wire I had encased myself in.
He met my son within a week and they hit it off right away; he also met my mother and he was like a member of the family, he was so comfortable around us, I honestly felt like we had been dating for years, everything just meshed so well; I was never able to meet his daughter as the child custody schedule was so crazy, also I think that becuase there was an ex involved he was very cautious to add a new face or name that would get back to her.
5 weeks ago, I had an emotional exchange with my son’s ex…….after 6 years of NC he decided to rear his ugly head. I am a very head strong woman and I find that I am not always able to be emotionally “there” and open up when I need to be….I want to appear stronger. I needed to talk to someone so I reached out to 2 girlfriends first who were not available to chat; they knew the back ground on my son’s ex so talking to them would be easier. I then reached out to the new man in my life and of course he moved that day so was exhausted and he had to work that day and he had his daughter soooooooo he did not answer. This is where the horror begins………let’s just say to make a long story short…….I had a few too many drinks which made me “highly” emotionally and without warning, without a fight, honestly without him even knowing WTF was going on I sent an emotional, angry “I can’t be with you anymore because you can’t find time for me” text.
That was 5 weeks ago, and Chris…..he never even responded to me. Nothing. Silence. Anger? Hurt? I have no idea…..I tried all the things we are not supposed to do……I sent the “I take it back” text. The “I am sorry” text. The “I wish you would talk to me” text and then the every popular “I wish I never met you and the reason you are ignoring me is because you never liked me” text. You name it….this girl did it. From being a power house “strong willed” woman to a pathetic, whinner in two weeks……if there was a contest……DING DING DING I would have claimed the prize.
I just feel like crap. Did I give up a great guy or did I somehow feel something wasn’t right? The no date thing…….red flag or was he trying and I just didn’t have the patience to wait. Did hearing from my past…scare me into shooting myself in the foot.
Ok Chris……he is a Taurus…like you. The man is stubborn but he is real; he is a dedicated father and worker but he lacks the balance to also have a personal life; he trys to be strong but when I was in his arms I felt his weakness; he carrys alot of weight on his shoulders but when he cuddled next to me he could finally can relax.
I went over 2 weeks without any communications…but failed this morning and sent him a Birthday message (belated cause I didn’t want to send one on his birthday…….he would have been expecting that)….cause gosh darnit I care for him! But don’t worry I didn’t hear from him…..so I have marked my calendar again for the next installment of 30 days! Yipee.
I use humor as a wall…can you tell.
Here is my questions Chris……was 2 months too short to be in a “real” relationship? Do I have a shot even though he has not even responded to me at all? Because it came out of the blue has he cut me off due to shock? We never had a bad day in our relationship…..promise. We have no similar aquantances…he is not on any social media accounts, he has not blocked my phone number (YEAH!!!!). This is gonna take some hard work, patience and some good old fashion soul searching. I want to ammend the wrong. I want him back Chris.

Rebecca
Bonni

May 5, 2015 at 12:03 am

I dated a guy who I’ve known for years, from my hometown, he waited years to ask me out and always wanted to be with me. We started dating in March of last year very slowly and then I had broken up with him in October (7 MOs) because I was talking to another guy and I got confused of his feelings for me. He was very shy and not expressive of his feelings towards me. I ended it very much on impulse. Ever since I ended things with him I have regretted it and only want to get back together. He will still talk to me, we agreed to be friend…. if I text or call him but he is extremely passive and distance. He never initiates the phone calls or text , only I do. I am really nervous to tell him how I feel. I saw him in person this past March because my family does his taxes. He smiled and winked at me like it was old times. He has asked me once over the phone to get something to eat and he’ll say give me a call or I’ll call you back later. He NEVER follows up on what he says, he’s very flaky now. I just want to talk to him in person and tell him exactly how I feel. I need your advice/ help what to do. Should I NC for a couple months and then reach out to him again. I just think it was the biggest mistake ever that I broke up with him and I feel like Ive made mistakes too. Hold a lot of guilt. Do you think I could still get back with him?
Thank you, Bonni
Alex

May 4, 2015 at 7:21 pm

Hi Chris, I broke up with him because of fallout from the fact that he just lost his son to suicide. We had a really great relationship for the most part, we have been really good friends for years and had amazing chemistry, although there were some pretty significant trust/attention issues that we had been slowly working through. I’m pretty sure deep down he thinks I’m one of the best things that ever happened to him, he has more or less said it more than once, but he is also very, very emotionally sunburned, as was I, and we were slowly helping each other heal our respective wounds before we played at anything really serious. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking but I really did think we were about to turn the corner, he was starting to have a much better outlook on life in general, and he was even starting to make serious changes (including plans with me!) to help improve things he has been complaining about for years, and then I got the message that his son had passed. I did my best to be supportive, and he started out very concerned that something was going to happen to mess up our relationship during his period of grief, but slowly but surely things conspired and his solution was to push me away and ignore me, rather than let me help. In the span of six weeks, he went from “please just hang in there, I just need time”, to “I want to just get away from everything and would understand if you wanted to date other people. I would.” Of course even after that he would still come calling periodically when he was lonely, or horny, or whatever. I tried my best to give him the space he needed without making him feel abandoned by flat no contact, but that just seemed to make him feel worse in a strange way, and it certainly didn’t do great things for me. Just before the last time I saw him, I had decided that enough was enough and I was tired of being ignored and went out and did something that I had promised him I wouldn’t do, at least as long as we were dating; nothing serious, just something that he saw as a symbol of me being with him and enough to comfort myself that I didn’t have to put up with his demands and lack of support as I definitely had not done anything to deserve it. Come to find out I probably overreacted in that particular situation as he had responded almost immediately and I just didn’t see it because I had already shut down my computer in disgust, but in my defense I don’t think I would have had that reaction if he didn’t often ignore me when he can’t or doesn’t want to have to deal with my needs, even before his son passed. “She’s just being female. If I ignore it, it will go away on its own.” Then he called me later that evening and insisted on coming over, didn’t even give me the option, just showed up at my door, and there wasn’t really any way to hide what I’d done. Not that I would really want to, but… He ignored it, as usual, but I’m pretty sure it hurt his feelings. The whole evening was really awkward, which is terribly unlike us. We had a conversation and I said something to the effect of “I will do whatever you need me to do to support you, (provided you actually, you know, tell me what that is), but I still need what I need.” To which he responded, “All you females are the same, aren’t you?” (This was a direct reference to ways that he has been severely burned in the past by certain others, (but not by me.)) I glared at him sadly. “If you choose to look at us that way.” I sent him an email a few days later when I hadn’t heard from him asking him to please stop ignoring me and constructive ways we could both get what we needed. He ignored it. Two days later I sent him a notice that one of his favorite performers was coming into town, just because it showed up in my inbox and I think I knew it was nearing time for flat no-contact and I wanted to leave on a positive note. That was four days ago. We’ve done no contact before, twice at three months a piece, but both times were pretty severe and had to do with major roadblocks we were both uncertain how to get around, (LDR for a while, family/work issues, etc.). By and large we generally ultimately figured out how to get around each thing. Basically I am happy to give until I can’t anymore, and then I have to disappear. I would put him in the stubborn category, he refuses to be the one to break no-contact, but is generally pretty happy to hear from me when I do. Then things stabilize for a while and he tries pretty hard to make sure I’m happy; each time I’ve noticed he tries harder, although I doubt he’d ever admit it. Like I said, I was pretty sure we were actually turning the corner; even just a month I think would have been enough to solidify our relationship to the point where he could have leaned on me instead of pushing me away in his time of crisis, but we weren’t quite there yet.

What are my odds? I’m guessing pretty good, (unless he reads this =D).

Thanks.
Christine

May 4, 2015 at 12:12 pm

hi chris…my boyfriend and i broke up 3weeks ago because of alot of reason..he said im so jealous and curious and bother his friend..even i dont…yeah i admit i chat with his friend to ask their help to reAch out my voice to him…and after broke up we still chat and talk to each other he visit me also and the last time we talk personally…he told me his love for me disappear and he dont feel anything…he is on vacation now and will be back after a week…i really want him back to my life because we goal and plans before to live together until one day he told me his parents domt accept me..i dont know what to feel…im so confused if he still love me or no…or still there is a chance that i can win him back…he still chatting with me and we are friends now…please give me some advise thank you
Dream

May 4, 2015 at 6:20 am

My boyfriend broke up with me because he said he lost feelings for me, is that still considered a general break up? & what should I do in this particular situation?
Sophia

May 3, 2015 at 8:55 pm

Hey Chris. So, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me because of our constant fights and a really bad event that occurred. Basically, I got very drunk one night and started a fight with him which lead to me ripping his shirt, cussing at him and his friends, and slapping him across the face. It was definitely not my finest moment and this was the second time this has ever happened in my life. The first time wasn’t as bad, but he broke up with me after that first incident as well and took me back 3 days after.
I was wondering what you think my chances are of getting back together with him.
I told him I would monitor how much I drink during our nights out and I would never ever abuse or do anything like this normally when I’m drunk or sober. It’s like one little thing pissed me off and I went crazy.
We’re known to be on again/off again, but I’m worried this is for sure off.
Do you think I have a chance at getting back together with him or would he never take me back after something like that?
jessica

April 30, 2015 at 8:18 pm

My boyfriend is 28, I’m 13 years younger. I’m pregnant with his baby, never been with anyone else. He has two kids and an ex wife. We’ve been together for a year, and I’ve been living with himsince iI got prego. He was setting his ex wife while I was right next to him. I went back after two days.. We never talked about it. I looked on his phone last night and she’scalling him babe, aand stuff like that. He thought I was over reacting but he didn’t tell her not to. I didn’t read anything else to see if he was cheating and stuff again, but should I even try?
kim

April 30, 2015 at 1:58 pm

I’ve got some quetions more women here might be wondering:
My ex and I broke up 1 and a half years ago,we both had a new partner and are single again. After they broke up he contacted me once to ask if I’m going to stay in his country (where I moved to some months after we broke up). I told him yes and we talked a bit, but when I contact him now he is like always (not wrinting so much, not asking a lot of questions, i always have to initiate contact, he need hours to answer). I’m scared to get on his nerves so I’m doing a lot of small nc. How can I talk to him without annoying him? And I need some tips for starting conversations with him in general (not the priming text messages).
I want to meet him in person.
Ashleu

April 29, 2015 at 11:39 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me over the constant fighting. And I have committed all seven sins. It’s been since 4-25-15 he texts every morning. I miss him. I respond but he says he still doesn’t want to get together. What can I do?
Rebecca

April 29, 2015 at 4:06 pm

Hi Chris,

I met a guy on a dating website. We are both single parents and we hit it off immediately. He told me within a week of meeting in person that he was coming off the dating website…….I never made that promise; I am too cautious and understand that in the beginning of a new relationship you get alot of “fairy tale” feelings.

Prior to joining the website I got out of the “dating” game for 4 years; had some footprints that needed to be removed from my back and I had to grow a thicker skin. I was upfront and proud to tell my new “interest” that for me I can wait for something real. He was shy, gentle and really funny and we hit it off like “peas in a pod”. We met within a day of meeting on the website and had an instant attraction…….that feeling was very very mutual.

We had a great time together. 2 months of laughing, giggling, getting to know each other, late nights, early mornings, etc. Never a date though…which was a BIG red flag for me. He is a workoholic and when he was not working he had his daughter. We saw each other several times a week, spoke or texted every day. Fun all the time.

He wanted to meet my family (son and mother) and he did……came over every chance he could, was comfortable…..played with my son and had long conversations with my mother. I saw a really great guy who was doing all the right things….EXCEPT take me out on a date. I tend to use humor as a wall….and I would tease him about not taking me out on a date. We sorta skipped over that step and it concerned me…….he kept telling me “we” would get there. He was trying to re-structure his child custody days as well as trying to cut back hours at work which toook most of his time. We lived an hour away from each other but he worked alomost across the street from me. He also was moving closer to me; by about 30 mins. That way he would be half way from work and his daughter, he told me he was super excited about the opportunity to spend more time with me.

Long long story short……..past insecurties got the best of me (without ever a fight or warning); late one night I fired off a text saying that I didn’t join a dating website to sit at home every night. I needed to date, properly….get to know a person and see how the interact with me and how they act in public. That was 3 weeks ago and I never heard a peep from him…not even a fight or WTF or even an Ok….just silience.

Of course I caved and did the texts the next day….begging him to forgive me. I just wanted to talk to him, I told him I was sorry……then after 3 days it got angry….I said I wish I never met him…..WHAT A LIE……boy the emotions we go through is nuts!!! The silent treament is horrible!!! But now I know how important it is. I have not heard from him at all.

My question is……do I have a chance? Was my time with him too short? I would like to be able to sit down with him and explain. I feel like I was feeling something TOTALLY different than he was the whole time. I regret sending a text and not talking to him face to face about my feelings.

I am committed to stay in NC…….even if it is just to heal myself and move on…..but I miss him every day.

Rebecca
JAN

April 29, 2015 at 11:39 am

Last Monday, my boyfriend broke up with me. We were together for 14 months but we were really good friends for several years before becoming a couple. He said he had had enough of my short temper and tendency to pick fights with him. I was away on business for three weeks and there was a period then when we would have one fight after another and I’m guessing that’s where it became too much for him. I said really hurtful things, I was sarcastic, and reading our exchanges now makes me feel disgusted at myself for lashing out like that. I really messed up and lost the guy I love. He was kind and forgiving and patient, and I exhausted all that. I looked at myself and I realized I was no longer the fun girl he fell in love with.

We broke up over dinner. That night he asked to see me, he tried to act like normal: kissed me, embraced me and held my hand. We ordered some food but I wasn’t able to eat because I already felt that something was not going to go well. He was kind, held my hand all throughout our difficult conversation. I gave him a letter apologizing for all the hurt I caused him and asked him to give me a chance to work things out. Although he was touched and teared up after reading the letter, it didn’t change his mind. I couldn’t clearly remember the things that were said because I was already crying uncontrollably. He hugged me tight while I kept crying on his chest. He kissed me on my forehead and said that he will always love me, it’s just that he needs to be selfish this time and think of himself. Before I got in a cab that would take me home, we kissed one last time and said I love you to each other.

He texted a few minutes later to check up on me. He said he was sorry that it had come to that; that it kills him to have seen my cry; and that I will not lose him and that he will always love me. I replied saying that I wish he would find his clarity and peace; that I will always love him too and am hoping that at the end he will still find his way back to me, but that I value his happiness more. He replied with: “I’m sorry love if it has come to this :(”

The next morning, he texted again. He said he hoped I was able to get some rest. “If you need to talk or anything, I’m just a message away. And yes, I hope in the future that we’ll be okay too, don’t think that it’s all your fault, I have my share too and you were awesome…I’m sorry, it kills me to see you cry.”

I had debated with myself, but ended up replying one last time: “You know I will always need you and will always want to talk to you, but I respect your decision and your need to be in your own space. Thank you for making me so happy and I’m sorry I caused you to think I was not.”

He replied with this: “There’s no need to say sorry. I’m the one who should say sorry. We can start again by being friends again, if not now then maybe after some time. And we’ll see from there. Thank you thank you thank you for everything. I’m just a text away, okay?”

I didn’t reply anymore and haven’t contacted him since. I cannot focus on anything because all my guilt, sadness and loneliness are eating me up inside. I started wearing a baseball cap and shades to work because I would burst out crying at the most random times. Is there still hope that I’ll be able to make things right with him? That I’ll be able to make up for all my mistakes?
Sindhu

April 28, 2015 at 2:25 pm

Hey Chris! I want to ask for advice about my break up. Its really long. Should I ask here or is there an email address I could write to?
Jen

April 28, 2015 at 6:05 am

Hi Chris,

I kind of don’t want to go into detail here on what happened here; I feel a bit uncomfortable with a lot of people reading my comment. Is it possible that I could email you or you email me so we could talk in private?

In case you don’t want to, I’ll try to summarize as briefly as I can on what happened, but I’m sure it’ll still be long and I bet I’ll take the cake as the longest comment ever on here. I’d still prefer you emailing me your reply though and deleting this comment. But if you can’t, just reply here and leave this comment.

First of all, I got out of a long distance relationship of 3 years; it was strictly Internet and we were going to meet after I graduate from college, but I couldn’t do it. There were a lot of problems from the start of our relationship and I had a very bad mindset on how it might be when we actually meet. Basically, he was controlling, possessive, angry, yelled at me a lot, and a bit manipulative. What hurt the most was that he pressured me into showing him sexual things at first at the start of our relationship; I foolishly gave in to his manipulative reasoning and felt hurt how our sexual relationship started ever since. Much of the yelling and fighting occurred in first year of our relationship; more often than not, he viewed a lot of my attempts of trying to reason with him as arguing and yelling. For the next two years, the fighting and yelling died down as well as our sexual relations and he kept saying he was stressed out and needed a lot of alone time to relax; our conversations were very cookie cutter with “how are you?” and “good night”. There were problems that I also caused in the relationship, I’m sure, but I became so scarred with what he threw at me; my self-esteem plummeted in the relationship and I wasn’t as cheerful as I once was before it. Now, you may think that I want this ex back, but I’m actually setting you up for the mindset I was in when I got into a relationship with the guy I actually want back after breaking up with this ex.

There was this guy that made me realize how unhappy I was with my 3 year long ex. He made me feel appreciated, desired, and more wanted. With this guy, our relationship was an LDR and lasted a month (a week if you want to go by when we officially called each other boyfriend and girlfriend as I was ready for a good length of that time). Before he and I hooked up, I tried acting very loyal to my ex and be cautious how I act around this guy. Eventually, I broke down and told him my story with my ex (my ex didn’t like me talking about our relationship, so I had it bottled up for years) and how I was now considering breaking up with my ex. He tried acting very neutral and calm around me, telling me that it’s my decision, but then he agreed with my other friends on Teamspeak that I should break up with my ex when I told them the story. After the break up with my ex, he acted very supportive and gave me time to recover; however, I didn’t give myself time to get use to be alone as I kept flirting with this guy while he tried giving me space. We made the mistake of rushing things when I’m not ready. We were generally happy together; texting a lot, talking a lot on Teamspeak (this was our main source of communication and it’s like Ventrilo), and we played a lot of WoW together. However, he became increasingly wary of how I was jealous of his friends and got a bit sad when he went to go spend time with them throughout our relationship. I also threw two tantrums near the end of our relationship. First one was before we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend when he said we’d take a break so I can decide if I wanted to call us official while he spends some alone time with his best friend. This tantrum, I was upset with him because he said he’d spend time with me before his friend came and he didn’t, but he viewed it as me being upset with him spending time with his friend. We had a talk afterwards, I apologized, and I thought I made it clear to him that I wasn’t upset over him spending alone time with his friend. Second one was what broke us apart; it was a movie date and I wanted to feel an emotional connection with him cuz we didn’t really talk during the movie and just played a game, but he refused to Skype, got off Teamspeak and said that he’s spending time with family when I asked him to get back on to hear him say “I love you” (he did text it but I wanted to hear it), and he said we’d talk tomorrow when I asked him if I could talk to him as I fall asleep (I just feel close when I have a deep talk with him). That last tantrum was what made him decided that maybe we should separate, but I begged him for a second chance and that we’d have bumps in our relationship that we can overcome. The next day, in the morning, I apologized to him for throwing another tantrum, I realize it was a problem, and I came to realize that I was being a bit manipulative (after talking to a friend) by trying to get a reaction out of him. I told him to text me when he’s ready. He didn’t text me throughout the day and I texted him if he’s alright and to take it easy. He finally texted back, telling me that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore, but he says it without consolation that he wants to be my friend. Maybe in the future, when we see things are better, we could give it another try. Now, he’s a straightforward guy, so I know he never says what he doesn’t mean. He said that he loves me, but he doesn’t want to be treated this way and he doesn’t want to change me like my ex did. I treated him better as a friend than a boyfriend. He told me that it was unfair that I would ruin my own mood and try to pull him back when he hangs out with his friends by coming up with a crisis I decide to have. He didn’t want to feel judged whether it’s becoming a male nurse (I disappointed myself in how I reacted, he saw I didn’t seem pleased, and I tried making it clear to him that I’m okay with it) or if he says something that sounds similar to my ex. He doesn’t want to have to worry about not looking at his phone for 5 minutes in fear of me freaking out and becoming an emotional terrorist. I apologized to him for how I acted and said that it was a bad idea getting into this relationship when I’m clearly not ready and that I need to learn to make myself happy and not expect all my happiness from him; I need to view him as an added happiness. We’re still friends but there’s a lot of tension between us on Teamspeak. I don’t text him because he said not to and that he doesn’t really text his friends that often. We had several talks about what happened, the first one was to clarify things a few hours after the break up (he says that he doesn’t want to nanny each other, I made it clear that I was disappointed in my reaction about him becoming a nurse and I’m glad he is, and he talked about how he didn’t like waking up to a bunch of text, which I didn’t realize I was doing, but he didn’t say anything cuz he thought I didn’t get this opportunity to really talk like with my ex). Our second time we talked was pretty much what he looks for in a girl (he said friends with benefits but more; I asked if he meant independent woman and he said yes. Another friend said it sounded like he meant being in love with his best friend). I irritated him a bit by going around in circles about what happened in our relationship and trying to clarify to him that I was getting better about my jealousy over his friends but he didn’t see it like that. He said he didn’t care and it was in the past and I annoyed him by trying to get him to clarify further on what he wants in a girl. Third talk occurred because I got Blizzcon tickets which were originally planned for meeting each other and he suggested giving them to a friend that didn’t get them. I asked him where we stand. He says he just sees us as friends and I asked him if he wanted that friend to go to Blizzcon more than me. He told me that he only suggested that because he knows that friend was my only way of getting to Blizzcon and he’d hate to see the ticket go to waste if I can’t come. I told him that I still want to go and also that I still really want another chance with him later in the future. Fourth talk, I asked him if my persistence annoys him and he told me that it doesn’t but that night of our second talk, I just got to him. One talk we had wasn’t really about our relationship, he talked about me giving my Blizzcon ticket to his best friend, I quickly agreed to, saying that I know how important his best friend is to him and that his friend is a bigger Blizzard fan than me. He tried telling me not to give it away because of his relationship with his friend but agreed when I mentioned how his friend likes Blizzard more than me. He got curious though on why I was giving my ticket up so easily. I teased him, asking him if he was disappointed in how quickly I was getting rid of it and he coolly said that he just thought maybe going to Blizzcon was putting a lot of stress and anxiety on me and wanted to make sure if it was that; I told him that it wasn’t and I was actually fine with the idea of still going to Blizzcon, but he brushed it off and said that maybe giving it away just gave me immediate relief. Things seemed back to normal between us, there was less tension, so I pushed my luck by talking about laying naked in bed to stay cool and tried giving him a few compliments about how I like how straightforward he is and how I can trust what he says, he said, “I’m glad you feel that way,” and just said, “Mhmm,” when I tried telling him how I like how level headed he is and how he listens to me; things got tense after that. Our fifth and final talk was when I asked him why he values me as a friend, which he said was an unfair question because he’d have to think deeply about it. I asked him if he wanted to be my friend so things would be less awkward between us on Teamspeak and he said that he’s straightforward and meant it; I apologized and explained that I got that into my head from talking to others. I asked him where we stood, which he said that he sees us as friends and if he wanted more, he’ll
tell me, but I told him that I meant if I’m pushing him away further. I told him that I’m worried about venting to him so much, but I wanted to let him know that when I’m venting to him, I don’t want him to take it as his problems, that I just want him to listen and he can give advice as a friend. I told him my decision that I still wanted to go to California, where he lived, but I thought not to before because I thought it might come off creepy to him; he admitted that it would be a bit weird. I just wanted to live in a warm place because I hate snow. I talked to him about my anxiety about moving to another state and living on my own and if he’ll hang out with me, which he said he would. He gave me advice as a friend to try talking to my parents about this and try living on my own locally where I have support from family, see how I do, and then try moving to California. He told me that even if I’m just venting, it still stresses him out and he’s stressed out enough with his own problems. He told me that he can’t deal with a person’s emotions right now. I asked him if he meant he was emotionally unavailable and he said yes and he thought he made that clear through our separation. I told him that he made it sound like he doesn’t want to deal with a person’s emotions at all. After that, I dropped the conversation and I told him that this will be the last time I vent to him and thanked him for listening anyway.

I started NC on Friday. To my surprise, he texted on Saturday, “Congratulations on your graduation! It was today right?” I thought he didn’t text his friends really beyond making plans with them. Even though you say to ignore his text during NC, a friend convinced me that it would be rude if I didn’t reply to him. My graduation was actually Sunday, but I decided not to correct him, ignoring his question, and text him a short, “:) Thanks.” I sent this text 3 hours after he texted me, I didn’t send anymore text, and he didn’t reply back. I’m still going to have to get in contact with him this week when his best friend gets enough money to pay for my Blizzcon ticket, so I’d have to break NC with him again. I can’t really do full NC until then.

Do I have to reset the 30 days of NC when I get in contact with him to do an exchange with his friend? Does it sound like I still have a chance with this guy? Does he sound like he still has some feelings for me?

Jen

April 29, 2015 at 4:38 am

I’m really sorry for this long post, but I find your site to be very viable and a good source of information. I’d really like to hear from you, Chris. I bet you can kind of tell that I’m a bit of a text gnat. No, I’m the ultimate text gnat… I’m trying to fix that, but it’s a bit hard cuz I just get super descriptive when I write. I’m practicing your 1:1 text ratio and word count. I still sometimes go 2:1 in text.

I want to also add that I’m the first relationship for this ex (the guy I want back); I’m sure I gave him a horrible first impression. In our second talk, he did state that I was high maintenance in our relationship; I was really that bad… I asked him if after dating me, he still thinks he doesn’t really need to date around to know what he wants. He said he still knows what he wants, but dating me made him learn something he doesn’t want…
Jen

April 28, 2015 at 6:14 am

I want to also add that this guy was also going through stress trying to cope with the recent fact that his mother got cancer since before or start of our relationship, so I feel that’s why he says he doesn’t feel emotionally available.

Charlotte

April 27, 2015 at 12:44 pm

Hey Chris,

I was exclusively seeing a guy, and then I know I came across as desperate one night in one of our phone conversations. He told me he was tired of me constantly questioning his commitment, I could tell our phone call was going no where so I hung up. The next day I sent him a text to apologise and called him later that night- with no response. He has not contacted me since, it has been just 1.5 weeks. I haven’t talked to him at all since my last message. He’s 10 years older than me but we had such great chemistry. We used to talk every day on the phone, and message constantly for the last 6 months, now we don’t talk. Will the no contact rule and the tips in this article work in this scenario?

Thanks x

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