When Should You Use The No Contact Rule - The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

351 thoughts on “EBR 042: When You Should Use The No Contact Rule”

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February 29, 2016 at 12:47 am

Hi! My ex and I have been on and off for the last couple of months after dating for 2 years. We’ve gotten back together 3 times each time a little over a month after the breakup. I don’t even know how to summarize this! Things had been on a downward trend prior to this rollercoaster because I didn’t reciprocate his clingy-ness and he later told me this forced him to begin to force himself to start to fall out of love with me because he didn’t think we’d have a future. Well after we got back together a week later, and things were going great for the following month (I had worked on spending time with him etc) or so I thought until he broke up with me the next week since he said he just wasn’t feeling the relationship. The most recent time we got back together, things were genuinely getting better, we even started having sex again which also definitely helped solidify the connection we had been feeling again. He even told me that he was really starting to enjoy being with me again.. Until two days later where he broke up with me because he thought it was unfair to leave me waiting for him to figure out his emotions for something that might not even happen. Of course, I at first handle things pretty well and I understand his reason buuuuut then I of course become angry for him promising me all these things, having sex, and telling me he loved me all a week before breaking up with me. I even told him I regretted having sex with him, something which bothered him a lot. He was infuriated and stopped contacting with me. Therefore, I did the same. After a week he “accidentally” texts me, and I reply and we end up having a normal conversation. He ends up telling me that he does indeed miss me and doesn’t want to see me because he knows this will make him realize he misses me in the “bad way” aka missing me as a girlfriend. He also says he thinks about the sex we had (which was great, the best its ever been) all the time. He would compliment me all the time and it was as if we were back together, yet he gets irritated when I jokingly ask for a compliment and starts to stop contacting me again… A week later, things are back to normal, we ride the bus together and he tells me I look really good and he really wants to kiss me (but he said he knows its a bad idea) and he hugged me and said he’d definitely be thinking about me later. The next day we go eat and he could not go five minutes in the entire evening without making some sexual or romantic remark… definitely not subtle either. This eventually irritated me so at the end of the night I tell him he can’t say these things to me because we’re not dating. This guy has the audacity to say “it was a joke, you laughed right?” and “I think things are actually going really well as friends” I attempted to kiss him and he says that he really wants to but its goign to make moving on harder for the both of us and he wants it but its not the right choice. I drop contact with him for the weekend although he texts me that he’s sorry for dropping hints that he really means but its just not the right choice. He texts me throughout the weekend and i found out on monday that he had wanted to hang out. He seemed really bummed when he told me so I feel bad and try to hangout later that day. We have lunch together yet he gets upset with me when I mention what happened on Friday. He starts to get upset when I try talking about this because “there’s nothing to talk about’ I begin to cry and try to explain that this is the right choice and he just gets more and more angry. During this argument, I regret making rude comments about his thought process and his friends. He misses work the next day and when he comes back, I try and initiate contact but he doesn’t want anything to do with me I ask if he is mad and he says he’s done with me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me at all because I just put him down and make him feel crappy. Yet, I know that I always reassure him of his self worth and make him feel better when he’s insecure, but I know I say hurtful things I don’t mean when I’m angry. Now, its been a couple of days after that and we haven’t talked after he denied my requests to see eachother. He did tell me that at times, he does like me but he knows its not the right choice. I don’t know what to do. Do I initiate NC? I don’t want him to end up liking another girl and forgetting about me. I think this stems from him thinking he’s not worthy of love and all these insecurities he has but I know that he dealt with me when I had mixed back and forth feelings about him and I want to wait this period out with him too. I know we have something really great so I don’t know why he ended things when things were actually looking good for us the last time we got back together. He told me he can’t believe that I won’t hurt him again but I’ve honestly been doing so much to make up for how i had acted in the past, he’s the one hurting me with this constant breaking up. I want to establish faith in us, me, and get back together and stay that way. How?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 1, 2016 at 7:08 am

Hi,

I want to know first if you’re co workers?

Lea

February 28, 2016 at 10:36 pm

When my ex & I broke up for 3 months, we both saw other people and let each other know who we were seeing during our break. He remained friends with the girl he was seeing (she was married though) I had an issue with them being friends. Shortly thereafter, I left him for good, met someone else and moved on…never explaining that she was the reason for me finally being done because he defended her when I tried to let him know I was not fond of her. I never gave him an ultimatum (I know that never works) so I just gave up and left him. Years later, we both found each other single again. He was still unsure why I “ran” from him years ago (his words). I finally got up the courage to let him know why I was so hurt and explained that I felt he chose her over me. He said he did not chose her over me and isn’t looking for her now, is not with her and has not been with her in all these years. (she’s divorced now I believe). They are still facebook friends. He occasionally would like her photos and liked mine as well. It bothered me but I never mentioned it as I figured it would cause problems and it seemed he was making effort to work it out with me. Well, we had a big fight about something else. He said he needed space and I blocked him from my facebook and my phone. We have not spoken in 5 weeks. Me being nosy however, I unblocked him long enough to see if he had liked any of her pics and he had liked her most recent new profile pic. I know we are not talking and I have no right to get mad. But being that I let him know how much of a sore subject she is to me, I would have hoped he would not have liked her pics. Deep down I wish he would have proven to me that he chose me by deleting her. I wanted him to do that but never asked him to because I wanted it to come from him. I feel he must have never cared. I finally after all those years, told him my reason and I feel it was used as ammunition now that we had a fight. Am I wrong? Is he just trying to hurt me & does not care? Or is he just a dumb guy that didn’t think about what he was doing & innocently liked a girl’s pic?

Lea

February 29, 2016 at 2:03 pm

Yes, we cleared the air about her and he reassured me that he does not want her, he wants me and is only looking (texting, calling) me. I did not tell him that I was not comfortable with him being her friend at this point in time because (as far as I know, they are just facebook friends). It bothered me but because he was showing me effort and making me believe he only wanted me, I decided to blow off the facebook friendship and not address it until we progressed further in our relationship. In other words, since I am not officially back with him, I did not feel I have the right to ask him to remove her. After moving in the right direction for a few weeks, we had a big fight (about something else) where I ran my mouth and said things I shouldn’t have. Needless to say, he was very mad at me and asked for space. Our fight had nothing to do with her. But now that he and I are mad at each other and not on speaking terms, he is liking her pics. I am not sure if he is doing it to get me back because he knows I am jealous of her or if he just innocently liked her pic without giving it much thought. Like I said, I feel now that I gave him my reasons and let him know my insecurities, he could use it as ammunition whenever we fight.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 1, 2016 at 11:03 am

okay.. even of he’s using it against you.. the best thing you can do is not react from it or be defensive because he may be just doing it out of anger or frustration
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 29, 2016 at 1:06 pm

Hi Lea,

I don’t quite get it..correct me if I’m wrong..You said after you told him why ran away from him before.. you had a big fight about somethin else right? Did you tell him after that you’re comfortble with him being friends with her?

Karen

February 28, 2016 at 2:43 am

My ex broke up with me and told me he did not wanted to be in a relationship with me anymore, that he wanted to be single. He does not text me and I do not text him even though I miss him so much. We were together for 4 years and a half.. Every 7 days of no contact passes or so he contacts me and I reply thinking that he misses me but when I asked him if he misses me he says no and that he is sorry he contacted me. I’m confuse, he also says that we can be friends and I said no and then he told me that we are not longer going to meet with each other but that we can still text and video chat and I said no. I’m starting the no contact, what does he really want?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 28, 2016 at 3:02 pm

Hi Karen,

As the cliche says,Actions speak louder than words.. For now, be firm with nc.. focus on you, so after we’lk see if you still want to try to get back with him.. whether you want to or not, atleast you learned to love yourself

Silly T

February 27, 2016 at 9:17 am

Hi EBR team, I had a relationship with a co-worker for 7 months and everything was going very well up until just a few days ago when he broke up with me and stated he feels depressed and doesn’t know what he wants in life and that he doesn’t want to make me unhappy and also that he does not know how to make me happy. The story between me and him is funny (now in hindsight) we were first friends who liked each other but the both of us were in relationships. He was in a long term relationship with his “first love” of 7 years, he lived with her for about a year or so out of the 7. When we both came out of our relationships, we remained friends and about 2 weeks after our break ups we went on a date, there was denying we had chemistry and everyone at work even wanted us to be together because of how extremely well we got along. Everything happened quite fast and before we knew it we in a committed relationship, I met his family, his parents, stayed more often at his house than mine. We planned to go away for my birthday coming up next month and also booked another holiday for August. About a week ago we had a massive argument over the way he had treated me, and we fought, at the end of the night he cried and told me he is depressed and doesn’t know what to do. He explained that it was a bit of everything, and also mentioned his ex. I immediately told him that whatever he was going through I will support him and be with him no matter what. That night we slept together and it seemed to be all normal again but as in any situation slightly awkward after a argument. The next few couple of days we spent away from each other and we texted. We met up and I asked him if he had thought about anything that we argued about and he stated he still feels the same and thinks I deserve better, he would not accept what I was saying about me wanting to be with him and help him get through this. I gave him an ultimatum to tell me whether he can really just let me go, he said yes. I left. The next morning I realised what had happened and I felt like I cornered him into letting me go. But he still felt the same, I told him I had almost killed myself and he asked me “what do you want me to say to that” he stated even if we still do stay together, what if you get upset with me” I told him I’m adult enough to deal with things as adults, and asked what could he possibly do to upset me. He stated “what if I speak to my ex”…now this is the ex who basically ruined him. In the end I realised that all of this wasn’t making any sense and I got him to admit that he had already made contact with her, 3 weeks ago. I understand now that I was his rebound but I also know that I was the best thing that could ever happened to him. Now I really don’t even want him back, I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that I have him everything and more and still be threw me away. What I want is for him to regret it and also want me back, just so that he learns that he can’t f***k with a woman like me and then act as though everything is fine and get on with his life. He dropped me and then kicked me while I was down by not showing any emotion or remorse of the way I was feeling. The problem is we work together and I haven’t seen any specific details about the NCR applied to people who work together. I do have to be around him, I will see him with other girls and him being happy. How do I apply the NCR whilst at work? I really need help, I hope I haven’t bored you with my story, believe me this has brought me to a place of boiling point and made me chop off my hair. Lol!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2016 at 12:32 pm

Hi Silky T,

the best revenge is always to be happy and successful on your own.. showing him how affected you are or how angry you are won’t help…
with nc… Just basically only talking to him about work related stuff and keeping your distance

Sarah

February 26, 2016 at 12:39 am

Hi,

I’ve just finished no contact and I’ve now started to text my ex. I have to admit something has happened that I never expected. My ex is coming on a little strong and saying things like he wishes he was there to take care of me (when I was ill), that watching tv shows aren’t the same without me, that I’ve been in his thoughts at all times. Also that us not being together hasn’t made our lives any better (something I actually now disagree with, I’m actually a lot less stressed, but I doubt it would be a great idea to say this). Now this is all in one text :/ I’ve been keeping things light and friendly.
I find myself getting a bit overwhelmed by it. I’m starting to feel a little claustrophobic too because it’s a little too much too soon. He broke me in half, yet he seems content to simply jump straight back in (or so it feels like it to me). But I honestly don’t know why I feel like this. I thought I wanted him to say all of this. I feel excited to receive his messages, and know that I still care deeply for him, yet I find myself wanting to run in the opposite direction when he sends things like this.
How can I get him to ease back a little bit?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 26, 2016 at 9:47 am

Sarah,

Well at least you’re not the clingy one in the relationship.. It depends on your answers too.. Cut the convo shirt if it’s too much.. but be polite of course.. Take control of the convo by being the one asking questions or suggesting and not just reacting to his messages… don’t initiate text when you’re not ready to talk…

August

February 25, 2016 at 10:51 pm

Hi, I am a guy here who recently went through a long distance relationship break up and I seek the same answer: Is it too late for me to implement the No Contact Rule? We were together for 3 years: 1 year together and 2 separated by countries. We broke up a month ago because the distance seemed too rough for her so she decided that being alone would eventually make her happier than being depressed until my next visit (which would have been in 3 weeks from now). It had been 4 months since our last visit. So, a month scares me because Chris said people tend to break a habit in 66 days and its been 30 already. Within those 30 days I was very emotional, texted her a lot telling her that I love her and she conceded that she still loved me too and missed me dearly but needed to move on. Lately I had been posting memories of us on Facebook and she commented, telling me that DOES still miss me but I can’t continue to live in the past. Since that comment, I have been very sad knowing that it has been a month of talking to her in an attempt to get her back with only more rejection. So even though she has had a month to move on, is it too late to implement the NC or is it a lost cause? Usually people say they start NC after days of being broken up but it has been a month for me. Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 26, 2016 at 8:32 am

Hi August,

no, it’s not too late.. Also, it may have been a month after your breakup but you have been active in talking to her and making her remember.. so that doesn’t count in the 66 days.. I think that can be to your advantage too because once you stop, and improve yourself and be active during nc, she might miss you

lia

February 24, 2016 at 10:46 am

dear Chris/Amor

Im on day 26 NC, and to be honest i still don’t know whether I truly want my ex back. We were really great together, I miss him a lot but. I don’t know if that’s enough. I know he doesn’t want to commit so I don’t think it’s possible for him to change his mind & want to commit in just a month. He’s very introverted, and seems to be enjoying his time without me, should i do 45 days NC instead because i’m still unsure and since he’s introverted, it may take him a bit longer to miss me because he’s probably enjoying his time alone? what do you think?

lia

February 24, 2016 at 10:47 am

oh and i found out he seems to be doing well through mutual friends (not sure why they think i want to know…)
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 12:50 pm

actually if you’re going to extend, do it because you’re not sure if you want to be back with him… because since he’s an introvert, once you decide that you want to try again, you have to text more

Amy

February 23, 2016 at 10:49 pm

Will he call me during NC if i told him not to contact me again when he was breaking up with me? Im on my 23th day of NC and he still hasnt called

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 11:57 am

Hi Amy,

Well, we don’t know that..and you also told him not to contact you.. so it can be that he’s just following your request

Elise

February 23, 2016 at 9:39 pm

Hi 🙂

First of all thank you for all of your help and this amazing site! I went through the full NC and followed your advice, now I’m happier than ever, and my ex actually responded to me! I’ve got my independence back and a new hot body to boot! 😉
There’s one question I have however.
My ex (this is only the first couple of messages between us) seems determined to say how upset he’s been. That every day (since the break up) he’s been looking at pictures of us together and this makes him cry (including this in normal conversation).
I’ve recently been very ill and he sent me an extremely cute teddy, saying get well soon but it included an old note that he’d written on saying he loved me (he wrote this months ago). He said that part of him wanted to include it. I thought it was an honest mistake.
Now I’m getting really confused here. One minute he’s there saying he’s upset thinking of our old relationship and wishing he could change it. While I’m trying to keep the conversation light and happy. The thing is I’ve already cried and been heart broken over the past relationship, I’ve dealt with it all and I honestly don’t want to drag all the pain back up. I’m genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been, and I’m hesitating because I’m not sure how to reply to him.
I’ve asked him if he wants to honestly discuss everything that happened, and he didn’t answer that. But I’m also finding it a little depressing and it’s pushing me away from him. I want to try again, but be happy and have a fresh start. I don’t want to be blackmailed, or blamed for things that have happened, and I’m a little unsure if he’s holding a grudge.
Should I be blunt with him (something that has never worked in the past), or just continue to divert the conversations? This is something I never really expected to happen.
Do you have any advice?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 10:46 am

Hi Elise,

I’m happy you you’re happy! And yiu’re very smart! Well, you need to have a talk and then after that be consistent on having your own energy.. If he goes back to the being uoset, regrettable, just ask him nicely, “I don’t want you to be unhappy because I’m happy but your happiness depends in your actions..Do you want to be happy? Choose it and I’m here to support you.”

Continue on looking out for yourself and having a clear mind girl! 😉

Yani

February 23, 2016 at 5:33 pm

Hi,

My ex and I broke up 5 days ago. His decision. I went nc immediately. I deactivated my Facebook and I did not contact him by text or phone. Just moved all my things out and moved in with my parents to pick up the pieces. I went back on his Facebook just to check his page. Curiosity I guess. I would deactivate it so he couldn’t delete me. Today I went on and saw he posted a status saying, Jeeze it sucks being single, now I have to cook my own meals! I liked the status on purpose because I knew he would get the notification and then I deactivated it again. See, I’m not trying to play games but that just upset me. A few minutes later, maybe even seconds, I get a text from him saying he did it on purpose and that he knew I was stalking his page because I deactivated mine and could go on whenever I wanted. I didn’t respond. Then, I get another text asking for the gate pass to his community back. I still haven’t responded. I don’t know what to do. The breakup was amicable. It wasn’t anything either one of us did to eachother. I wanted children and he doesn’t want anymore. We both felt the relationship would go no where. He decided to end it. I reluctantly agreed and walked out of there with my head up. I respect his decision. I can’t make someone want to be with me. At the same time, I don’t believe he made the right decision. I think we could have worked through this. I felt during the relationship, he didn’t truly love me even though he did his best to show it. I pushed him, nagged him, and frustrated him so much that he couldn’t take it anymore. He ended things with me. Now we haven’t spoken until he sent me a txt today. Since the split 5 days ago, he has driven past my job but other than that, I have not heard from him. I am curious about him just as he is about me, but I don’t take any of that as an indication that he may reconsider his decision. I don’t regret liking the status. I did it on purpose, but at the same time, I don’t know if I made things worse for myself. I want to be with him. What should I do? Respond or leave it as is?

Yani

February 25, 2016 at 11:07 am

Also, I wanted to mention that he deleted the status about being single sucks because now he has to make his own meals (gosh that was so rude of him to post that!). I keep going back and forth in my mind. I know I have to move on. This is so hard. He is a very stubborn person and I’m sure he believes I should be the one to come back to him to apologize and ask for another chance, but no matter how stubborn a person is, no matter how difficult that person is, they would not let someone they love go. It’s been 1 week since I moved out. There is no reason he should be angry with me. I didn’t do anything that prompted the breakup like cheating or anything that serious. There was some fighting days prior and I became distant but I wasn’t angry and I told him I understood and agreed. Why is he so angry with me?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 2:07 pm

Maybe it’s frustration not anger
Yani

February 24, 2016 at 5:46 pm

Thank you for your help. I sent the gate sticker back via ups. He should receive it tomorrow. I felt ridiculous mailinng something within the same city, but I didn’t feel comfortable going to his house. I feel like he will take it as a message that I don’t want anything to do with him. We have broken up several times before, my decision, and I have always been the one to come back and fix things. This is the first time he ended things. We had a long talk and I moved out. I can’t go back to apologize…this was his decision and it wasn’t that either one of us did something wrong. I’m so afraid that time will keep passing by and he will just keep going. I’m scared, worried, and heartbroken. I just have to trust the process, stay nc, and hope for the best. Thanks again!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 11:24 am

You’re welcome Yani! Stay strong you can do this!
Yani

February 24, 2016 at 12:43 pm

Thank you for responding. I sent a simple and straightforward text yesterday saying I would send his gate pass and would unfriend. I’ll mail the gate pass. We live in the same city but I don’t want to go to his residence. Is this a good idea? I haven’t unfriended. I went back on last night and he deleted the status. I know I need to use this time to gain strength and work on myself, but it’s so challenging. He is a very stubborn person and has always relied on me being the one to apologize and say sorry. I can’t do that in this situation. If he wants to reconcile, that has to come from within him. Does NC start over from here since I liked his status and sent a text about returning his pass or can I include the 5 days since the breakup?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 1:01 pm

Oh.. the text about the pass is exempted because it’s necessary.. but because of the like status..yes you have to restart.. you can do this.. it really is hard, but that’s how it supposed to be
Yani

February 23, 2016 at 11:09 pm

Also, he has asked for his gate pass back. Obviously because he is under the impression I’m a stalker. I think I should package it along with some of his other belongings. Should I do this soon or should I wait? I’m so afraid that I’ll send the message that I don’t want to be with him and he will continue to move on. Please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 9:57 am

Hi Yani,

Of he really needs the gate pass, it’s ok to give it to him but just that.. Don’t give the other stuff yet…
I admire your strength.. I think he was just pissed because you liked and then deactivated again.. just let him cool off..

JAY Z

February 23, 2016 at 4:48 pm

Hello,
I am not sure if you are able to help me on this one or not.. I am a guy. I have been engaged with my fiance for almost 1.5 years. We have been together for 4 years. I moved in with her about 1.5 years ago after having a long distance relationship. Once I moved to her area, I came with the notion that I didn’t like it there. I didn’t even give myself a chance to enjoy the area. I tried convincing her to move down south. She didn’t want to. To many a long story short, I ruined our relationship and made it so toxic that she recently finally put n end to it. Now I am in South Carolina. I miss her dearly and love her. And the last week we spent together before I moved, we had the most amazing time. And I finally was able to see that happiness doesn’t come from where you are living, but rather from within yourself. I was always thinking happiness depended on where we lived. Anyways, we are still on friendly terms and still do love each other. But she wants me to “experience life” and give it a shot here. She knows I want to make it work again. I sent her an email yesterday saying I figured things out and that I want to make it work with her again. She gave me that small response back. I have plans to see her in April which she approves of. Should I just give her some space now? Should I do the NC rule? I pretty much spilled my heart out in the email and I don’t want to keep doing that because I know it wont get me anywhere. Should I just back off and play it cool now? Thanks for any advise.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 9:38 am

Hi Jay z,

yea you should give her space..she said it herself, she wants to enjoy life..and maybe figure out your own kind of happiness..

Erin

February 23, 2016 at 3:53 am

Would you recommend using the no contact DURING a relationship to se if it helps the spark ignite? Me and my BF we don’t feel the flame went out but I do feel something is off and I seem to get upset about little things. Should I do a shorter version of NCR?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 6:08 am

Shortest is 21 days.. Yes, it can because he will miss you and you should make him miss you, by satrting to build your own life while in nc

Violet

February 22, 2016 at 12:32 am

Hi Chris. If my ex and I were only together for 3 months how long should I do no contact? And he said he fell out of love but wants to remain friends while he was dumping me but I said no to being friends, will he be able to love me again?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 8:38 am

Hi Violet,

you can do the shortest 21 days.. Though we can’t assure you that he will surely live you back but nc can help to make him miss you and for you to improve yourself to help in attracting him back

Anxious

February 21, 2016 at 7:05 am

Hi Chris and Amor.

So I’ve been through the entire ex boyfriend recovery process. From NC to the casual texts, ending convos at high points, push pull theory, seen him numerous times, didn’t always initiate first, wasn’t too available, tried Unettable girl tactics, have improved my health, wealth and family life. Basically everything has been going great. On his account, I have received lots of flirtation, regrets he has, times he has told me he miss and loves me still. And then a handful of mixed signals. I thought there was nothing else to do but have the ‘talk’ and suggest we start seeing eachother again. The conversation went well, but he was really unsure still. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s just not ready in life. (His wealth, health and family life aren’t so good ATM, so I think he resents me a little that mine is going great. But that’s just my thoughts). Anyway, we agreed that we’d think about it for a couple weeks and have a chat about it. I told him that he could contact me when he was ready to talk about it. It’s been 2 weeks today, I’m a little afraid that he’s just going to ghost me. Lol! I’m ready for the conversation, I think I can handle it not working out. It’s been 6 months since we’ve broken up and I’m just so over nothing happening. Basically my question is, do you think it is a bad sign that we said we’d take time apart to ‘think about I’ rather than him just agreeing on the spot?

Anxious

February 25, 2016 at 8:20 pm

It’s not really a date Amor. I’ve already done all that stuff on our previous dates. And while I can definitely continue to implement some of those tactics on the day. One of the big ‘no no’s’ says not to talk about the previous relationship. Which would be important on a date, but seeing as this is the ‘talk’ on whether we get back together or not, I’d assume there would be some reference to the past relationship and how to avoid our old bad habits.

More so, do you think I should let him do all the talking, OR continue to point out reasons as to why I think we compliment eachother ?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 26, 2016 at 8:18 am

Ah okay it’s just a meet about the relationahip?

If so, stay xalm and listen tk him…let him finish.. So, when it’s our turn he’ll listen too.. I think hat’s good to point out why you’re good with each other. So, that if ever the talk doesn’t work out, he has that think about
Anxious

February 25, 2016 at 9:10 am

So we’re meeting up on the weekend to discuss. Do you have any tips on how I should be? Should I just let him do all the talking and accept whichever decision? Or do you think I should do some probing too? I guess it’s hard coz you don’t really know our situation. But in general, what do you think guys would appreciate more of? Someone who is really trying hard to be with them, or someone who is laidback with not being together too?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 2:00 pm

Hmm.. this post answers that in more detail..
What To Do On A Date With Your Ex Boyfriend
Anxious

February 21, 2016 at 8:03 pm

I’ve said to myself 3 weeks.. We’ve already done NC and I think if he needs another 30 days to realise he misses or wants me. Then that’s just too much. I even think 3 weeks is pushing it, but he’s a bit of a slow one (me STILL making excuses) haha. Plus our lives are just so busy at the moment. Which is good, it’s kept me busy. If things don’t work out, what advice can you give me to get through it? And if things do work out.. I haven’t read into that side of things yet, how would we go about reestablishing a relationship?

Thanks Amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2016 at 11:58 am

If things work out just continue on having variety and a balanced relationship.. If it doesn’t, just continue on what you were doing to improve yourself during nc..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 2:34 pm

Hi Anxious,

No I think that’s good but give yourself a timeline too, on whether how long you will wait for his answer

Lily

February 21, 2016 at 1:55 am

Hello! I was a 8-9 level kind of girl. I think I’m smart, talented, have great achievements in life, tough but sweet, and people say I’m a “pretty girl” (all this descriptions makes me feel awkward but I just had to because…) My ex was handsome popular kind of guy, but he is stubborn-shy type. He is also secretly insecure despite the popularity.

So one day he left me for this other girl. This girl had problems, is depressed and has low self-esteem. She is also not very pretty (he also said so, but he said she was cute because she is shy and low confidence.) He said he wants to raise her confidence and help, but it’s vey weird that he left me for that.

I tried dumbing down before a little.. but that does not work because altho there are things i wanted to improve about myself, I think I was okay! And my friends also tell me everything was illogical.

What should I do? He chased a weaker less than 5 girl. A friend told me he was doing this to satisfy his macho and validate his masculinity. I couldn’t “dumb down” and if I keep being awesome and happy, he will think “oh, she’s good and better without me!”

What can you say about this situation? When you’re already a person who is doing great, but your ex leaves you for someone else who “needs help” and enters in a relationship for that?

Lily

February 23, 2016 at 2:28 am

It also does not make sense for me because I was already a high level girl, but really was into him. So I do not understand why he had to do that. Isn’t it enough that I am a great girl who likes and loves him a lot? We shared so much good things together until one day he became a different person and avoided me on purpose
Lily

February 23, 2016 at 2:27 am

Thank you for the reply! I personally believe he is good at heart… just having self-issues and I think he is at the angsty time in his life (early twenties.) He is also younger than me by a couple of years.

I really tried to think of ways I can win this kind of situation back but I can’t find any solution except to dumb down… which makes me feel very weird to be honest.

Maybe I’ll give it time? And work on self?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 5:54 am

Do not dumb down your self.. That also means lowering your values.. If he’s really just going through a phase..just let him be because after that phase, if he still loves you or falls back in love with you, he should work to get back the real you..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 12:17 pm

Hi Liky,

For me he’s not worth it.. know you want him back, but your friend is right he’s doing this for his image

Alice

February 19, 2016 at 12:27 am

Hey!
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me Jan. 23, so it’s been roughly 3 1/2 weeks. He broke up the night we got back from the first time I met his parents (it was a weekend trip), we were only dating for 5 months but it felt wayyy longer to the both of us. He told me he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and that I was the perfect girlfriend and didn’t do anything wrong (it’s me, not you crap), which that really confuses me as to why he would take me to meet his parents when he said he hasn’t had feelings for me for around a week or two, but still went on a trip to meet his parents? Which he told me he had a lot of fun on and he really did! Anyways, he told me the night that he broke up with me that he wants to be best friends and wants me in his life, which I agreed to because I wanted to come off as being strong. Then, a week later, we hung out as two friends. I am now 16 days into NC, he has not contacted me, at all. I’ve also unfriended him on everything, accept snapchat, which he quickly looks at my story if I have one up. But he hasn’t sent me a text at all. Now, he is a quiet type of guy, and really nice. We had the perfect relationship never fought but had lots of sparks. Just at the end of the relationship, he was distant.
My question is, did I ruin my chances by hanging out with him that one night? And telling him I wanted to be friends, but now I’m doing NC and not talking to him?

Alice

February 19, 2016 at 6:40 pm

Awesome! Thanks you! (:
One quick question though, should I be doing 21 or 30 days of NC?
Again, thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 7:58 am

Welcome! Hmm go for 21 first, if you reach 21 and you feel you need to extend to 30, that’s ok
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 10:38 am

Hi Alice,

for me no you didn’t.
Alice

February 19, 2016 at 12:32 am

Also, forgot to mention, I have been going on dates and really, really working on myself and feel really great. I didn’t realize he would still be watching my snapchat stories and he saw I went on a date with another guy.

Zoya

February 18, 2016 at 9:54 pm

Hi Amor, I really need your help. My ex messaged me today after not hearing from him for well over a month. It would have been our 7 year anniversary today, and he said this:

“Hey. Just thought I’d send you a little message today. I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your teaching course, and you’re happy in general.”

We haven’t been together for 7 months now, and during this time I’ve been in prolonged periods on NC, usually 2-3 months at a time, with him usually being the first to initiate contact – know he has missed me a lot during this time, he has messaged me saying this before. I miss him like crazy and would love another chance with him. But I don’t know what I should do. I haven’t responded yet, I’m holding back on it until tomorrow, I was planning to say this…

“Hey, sorry about the late reply, had a super busy day. Yeah, thanks, hope you’re doing well too.” – Not sure if this is too blunt, or too blasé, Please let me know what you think, or any other advice would be great.

Thanks in advance.

Zoya

February 24, 2016 at 8:11 pm

Okay, that sounds like the best way to go about it, I will give it a try for sure. Thank you so much, Amor, I really appreciate the advice 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 12:41 pm

You’re welcome!
Zoya

February 23, 2016 at 10:57 am

Hi Amor, thank you for the reply. Do you think I should tell him how I feel or talk to him generally? I don’t ever want to regret not trying with him, even though he was the one who ended things with me. What should my next step be?
Thanks in advance.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 7:10 am

I think you should reconnect first to see how he might react if you say you’re feelings
Zoya

February 20, 2016 at 4:49 pm

Hi Amor, no we have never broken up before this time. He just talks to me each time I am in NC. It feels like a complicated situation, he ended things and we’ve been in very little contact since then, for around 7 months. He reached out to me about 4 months ago saying he missed me a lot and that he was sorry, I stupidly ignored it. Then two days ago, on what would have been our 7 year anniversary, he messaged me saying: “Hey. Just thought I’d send you a little message today. I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your teaching course, and you’re happy in general.”

I don’t know how he feels, I just don’t want to get hurt again – I feel like I have some power over the break up now and I don’t want to lose that because he controlled it all initially.

I hope that makes sense and that you could help? Thanks in advance.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 10:57 am

Okay I get it now.. but the truth is it will hurt no matter what because you love him.. You can still be control what you will allow though of course.. For me, Id rather hurt a little than regret much.. I would talk to himm.. and then observe over time how his actions will be.. Give it a try but with caution
Zoya

February 19, 2016 at 10:02 pm

Amor, sorry for another message, but what do you mean by it looks like I am in a cycle? Does it seem like a destructive cycle? Any insight would be great, thanks in advance!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 9:42 am

It’s ok.. I just want to make it clear.. did you mean he reached out to you after prolonged nc and then you got back together every time… or he just talks to you? But whu have you been doing a number of NCs?
Zoya

February 19, 2016 at 7:57 pm

What can I do if this is the case? I spoke to my friends about this and they think he sent the message out of courtesy. He hasn’t replied to my message, and I wasn’t expecting a reply. I just don’t want to get hurt again, I would rather him do the ‘chasing’ as it were, because he ended things and I never wanted them to. I feel so confused and down about it.
Zoya

February 19, 2016 at 10:27 am

Yeah I’ve been in prolonged periods of NC before. It’s always him reaching out. Do you think his message even insinuates he wants me after this time apart? I’m very weary and don’t want to get my feelings hurt again.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 11:33 am

with what you said, it can be because it looks like you’re in a cycle
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 9:48 am

Hi Zoya,

so you’re over 45 days nc now? why not start to rebuild the relationship again especially when you know that after a couple of months he still wants you?

Dominique

February 18, 2016 at 8:15 pm

Chris,

What do you do if your ex contacts a family member during NC?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 9:00 am

Hi Dominique,

it depends, if he’s asking them about you, let them be, just as long as you don’t communicate with him through them

Lola

February 18, 2016 at 1:32 pm

Hey Amor, I sent a msg before did NC I guess kicked off with the first msg in a bad style I guess. He told me he couldn’t be back with me and so on. Now if we text it’s mainly my initiative. Sometimes he doesn’t reply, sometimes he does. He asks me if I have a bf and tells me I should get one maybe. Then he sais that he is good by himself he is just alone but he knows it won’t last forever. I am losing hope feeling he is detached and he might have simply stopped loving me. I am not reacting to the comments he is sending me but they are hurtful. What should I do?

Lola

February 20, 2016 at 8:59 pm

Hey Amor,

once I am texting him I am asking how he was feeling and stuff. He says he is going through hard times and depression but doesn’t really want to talk about it. I try asking him if he is doing any better and telling that if he needs to talk I can always listen. He asks me how is my job search and that’s more or less it. He aldo tells me his sense of humor is bad now so he doesn’t feel like cheatchattibg. I am telling him that I am worried about him. That’s more or less our convos. I have no idea if me actibg happy makes it worst better. I have no idea. 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 11:28 am

Oh,.. okay it’s not interesting haha… You have to start with topics that he loves to talk about.. asking him how he is not a topic… hmmm.. have you seen this post? If yes, review it.. Choose a texting style and think of topic that would use for it..
Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)
Lola

February 20, 2016 at 11:12 am

Should I go again NC? I feel like he doesn’t really fully respond to my messages. It’s usually kind, polite but that’s it. He foesn’t seem to get excited sbout our convos. So I have no idea how to behave. I feel helpless coz whatever I am trying apart me looking for his advice doesn’t seem to get him involved. Should I stop so he initiates or what now? Or dhould I give up? It’s been 5 months we are apart.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 12:18 pm

I think it’s because he knows yiur efforts are to get him back.. but even so, it can also be that your topics are not that interesting for him.. may I know how you’re texting hi?m
Lola

February 19, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Hey Amor, no I never told him I would like to try again. In any of the messages. But from what I see in his messages he is looking forward to meeting someone new right? He barely texts me first. Most of it is ne texting him first. He never said he missed me or anything similar. I really have no idea what to do. Turn silent and wait if he talks to me ever, talking to him more and initiating all the time or just be straightforward. I have no idea
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 8:09 am

Oh, okay frankly it looks like he is.. Either he knows you still want him back or there is not enough attraction yet for him to want you back
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 6:11 pm

Hi Lola,

did you tell you want to try again in that message?

Nicole

February 18, 2016 at 8:55 am

Hello,

I am just starting day 6 of no contact.

I realised I had become a horrific GNAT, I was halfway through typing a rather large and emotional text (not the first) and suddenly thought what am I doing?!? At that point I knew for my own sake I needed to stop speaking to him as it was only causing me to get more upset and desperate which is a look I didn’t like on myself never mind what he thought. After this I did a little Google around ignoring your ex and stumbled upon this site.

I hope that time will be able to undo a lot of my gnat damage some of which occurred before the break up and was basically the reason for it. I really do want him back. However, after being used to speaking every day even just these few days I have found refreshing, and it so nice to put my energy into focusing on my life and improving it. This was something I should have done more while in the realtionship, I stopped being a lot of the things he liked about me because Inwas focused on trying to please him which should not have been my priority at all.

My ex was so ridiculously super keen and enamoured by me at the start, I was so flattered we quickly got into a routine of so much contact and I was swept away by it all. Inevitably though once he was sure of me his attention dropped and life distractions occurred. I see now that my reaction to this, my desperation to try and cling on to how it was at the start, to try and persuade a man who I know is a stubborn man to see things from my point of view when we argues had the opposite effect.

If nothing else I have learned a good lesson from this. Time will tell what else will occur!!

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