When Should You Use The No Contact Rule - The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

351 thoughts on “EBR 042: When You Should Use The No Contact Rule”

Lou

February 13, 2016 at 10:44 am

Hi Chris! I need your advice.
I sent a simple text to my ex boyfriend on his birthday on day 7 of no contact, where he replied and I didn’t even opened his message on Telegram, so that he could notice I ignored it. The next day he asked me to meet (we should have been discussing our breakup since he broke up w/ me via text) but I said I couldn’t ’cause I was on holiday, so after a quick chat he told me that I should have been contacting him when I got home. I did and so I did. I told him when I got home “Wendy, I’m home! But I gotta sleep, contact me tomorrow in the morning so that we can make an appointment. Nightnight” and he just replied saying “night” and didn’t contact me this morning. What should I do? Keep ignoring him? Help me! :'(

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2016 at 1:47 pm

Lou,

for me you don’t need to makr the break up in person, since he didn’t open it up again.. Try Start over with nc.. and stick to it..

Sarah

February 12, 2016 at 4:16 pm

Its been a year since our break up. He’s now giving me mixed signals and even said he has mixed feelings. I told him we should probably stop talking and it grew into a fight when i told him that i don’t trust him anymore. He thinks i lost trust because of my friends who told me he liked another girl while he was away which i believe is true although he doesn’t admit to it. 2 days ago, he just got very mad at me cause i told him i lost trust when i just wanted to be on good terms with him. What should i do at this point? I really want him back but with a commitment. He’s not ready for a relationship with me at this point. What’s the next step i must take? He says he’s unsure about a relationship now because of his unstable future and that he doesn’t want to drag me into it which i think is just an excuse. Is there a possible recovery for me?

Sarah

February 16, 2016 at 11:25 am

He is going off again for a good six months to Australia. I have only one month left till he leaves. Can this situation be reversed somehow? Is there any hope or should i just give up? I really felt like he was my soulmate. The situation now is that we’re both not talking because he yelled at me asking me to go trust my friends than him and i left it unreplied cause if i did it would only grow bigger and worser. Tomorrow is my birthday so i just thought i should wait and see if he’s gonna wish me or not. If not, should i contact him or wait for him to make the move?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 1:14 pm

Nope, if you contact him, that means you’re chasing him..
But what do you intend to say to him if ever?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2016 at 8:41 am

Hi Sarah,

It can only happen if you stay firm about not doing only committed couples do and stay interesting for him that he will want to commit because he can see that’s the only way to be with you..

But of course you also risk him going away but at least when he comes back, it’s either he will test if you change your standards or because he’s ready to commit.

Cat-Dog

February 11, 2016 at 9:04 pm

I did a 45 day NC rule and it actually worked! He responded! Well, not like his usual self..but it was polite! And I have to say it made me so happy! (Before he was very rude whenever I tried to talk to him)
So thanks to you Chris, I have new faith!
But one thing though, after a couple of messages were exchanged, it was his turn to reply. But he didn’t. And I remember reading an article saying that I should keep a gap between days I message him.
So do I wait a day and message again, or just wait for him to reply?
Thank you so much for everything! 😀

CAT-DOG

February 17, 2016 at 2:52 pm

I tried, but he just saw the message and didn’t reply 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 9:55 am

then give it time now.. don’t push further in the mean time
CAT-DOG

February 16, 2016 at 10:03 pm

Hey amor,

After that he replied a couple of more times after that.. But I think I made a mistake.
I didn’t bring up anything about the relationship.. But I reminded him of something that had a huge sentimental value to us..15th Feb was the day we first met, and so many things happened that day.
So on 15th I messaged him saying “I can’t believe it’s been only two years since I’ve met you!” To which he just said “okay ” and that got me upset. So I apologized to him..to which he said “you don’t have to imply things all the time. I agree what we had was special. But I’m not the kind of guy who keeps track of things.”
But the thing is, I know he’d never forget that date..yet he’s lying saying that. What does his response mean? Do I do another 45 day NCR?

Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2016 at 2:01 pm

Oh… I think it was too much to remember texts.. and I think he didn’t mean that he forgets it, he just doesn’t commemorate it.. I think you don’t need to do nc.. just move on from that convo.. and have a different take on the next text
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 12, 2016 at 1:40 pm

Today’s great! Wait a day first.

Mary

February 11, 2016 at 7:20 pm

I have dated my ex for 6 months and things went pretty well. He’s a typical stressed, unhappy that works in trading company.i think I did an amazing job as a gf.. I understand him, I care about him, I cook, I massage him just to make him happier and less stressed. But in October we had argument that caused by him and he decided to break up with me telling me he’s lost, he doesn’t know what he wants and he needs to be happy. We had a talk and we got back tgt. Next couples month we were sweet, perfectly together. But then last week he broke up with me with the same reason again, after the Japan trip and we had few arguments during the trip.. He asked for few days to be alone to have a honest thinking.. Then later.. He said he’s not on the right foot on this relationship and we have been revisiting the argument situation.. But we barely argue.. So I begged with few messages but then I stopped. I met him at night at the day he broke up with me, to pack my stuff. We had a talk again and it didn’t work. we didn’t get back together, then I told him I will be staying at my friends that night.. He kept questioning me if my friends is a male or female and who. I didn’t answer and he got pretty furious and kicked me out of his apartment.. Later that night I decided to deleted everything about him on social media and phone, included his number. He messaged me and asked if I blocked him on whatsapp. I didn’t reply him. Chris, I 100% accepted and respect his decision, I understand that he wants to figure out what does he want in life cos he was transferred to work here (Hong Kong) from US. Yesterday he sent me a text message saying he’s really sorry for everything, and he said he still loves me, his lost a piece of his heart.. I know he’s lost and not happy with his job. But I really miss him and I love him. Please could you tell me how do I forget about him for now? Tonight I went to his home wanted to have a closure so i waited for him to finish business dinner, when he came home, he came home with a hooker. He was drunk. He hide the hooker in room and tried to locked me out, then the hooker left by herself.. My heart was totally totally broken.. I need advise on this. What should I do now? When I saw them, I couldn’t event cry.. I’m dying

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 12, 2016 at 2:33 pm

Hi Mary,

Distance yourself. Don’t go to places that you know you will bump into each other and do activities that progreas quickly or that gives you a quick sense of achievement. Start a different life. Go to a new place alone with friends.. Watch a movie… Just be active… It’s actually better of you do things alone, so you can lessen the times that you think about him when you’re not busy

Brownie

February 11, 2016 at 6:00 pm

My mother’s says he won’t change and even if we get married, he will just sometimes want to be alone and fall in and out of love with me like this and our love life will be his call all the time but something keeps hitting me and makes it so difficult for me to forget about him totally, i know he will change the day he stops letting his mind play tricks on him and starts seeing things from a totally new and more real perspective, I just don’t know when that will be and I dont think after 7 years I should still be stuck to him playing the girlfriend role while he is still unsure of what he wants . While we were dating he had the keys to my apartment, sometimes he would give me a surprise and come around without telling me cos he had my keys and even if I wasn’t around he wouldn’t have to wait outside for me but in December he got his new apartment and didn’t let me have an extra key , he kept lying that he lost the sphere keys and that’s when I started sensing something was wrong, then when he suddenly stopped picking my calls for five straight days in January, that was it and that’s when I signed out and started N.C too and didn’t call anymore or sit next to him in church and now he’s inviting me for a wedding in march, It’s just sad and annoying at the same time.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 12, 2016 at 2:14 pm

Just remember to put yourself first.. Don’t wait up on him.. Have the ungettable girl mentality. You’ve put enough in the last 7 years.. Let him effort for you now

Brownie

February 11, 2016 at 5:30 pm

Hi Chris and Amor, I would like to thank you for your response to me , it’s so nice to know there are people here who want to help our situations. I would also like to say a bit more about my ex boyfriend and why sometimes even though I know forgetting totally about him maybe best for me because he’s the type that’s hot and cold and never sure of things but then again, we graduated from the university as far as 2008, We’ve been through a lot together, our families already know each other, i talk to his mom on the phone sometimes and he talks to my mom also, the last time his mom was on holiday from England I spent the whole three weeks with her , sometimes I feel like I should talk to his mom and let her know that her son has mind issues and he’s scared of marriage and goes on and off in our relationship but I don’t know how she’d feel if i tell her that her son needs help and growing up in a broken home without a father has probably affected him till adulthood. He withdraws from comittment often times and wants to feel alone again. I told all this to my mom and my mother advised me to move on, forget about the 7 years , leave him alone and not even try to win him on my side . His mom called me yesterday and she doesn’t even know i and her son have been in no contact for almost a month now. I’m sure he didn’t tell her anything cos he knows his mother would ask what happened to us and then he won’t be able to tell her he’s been cheating on me and I found out.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 12, 2016 at 1:50 pm

You’re welcome brownie! On his mom, don’t tell her. He’s still her son.. and your issues, as much as possible should be between the two of you only.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 12:54 pm

Thank you Final. I admire you it takes courage to move on but it takes more courage to admit that you loved him too much
Shannon

February 11, 2016 at 3:59 am

It’s been almost two months of no contact with my on again off again ex. We pass each other almost everyday on campus but he always looked the other direction when I know he saw me. But yesterday he stared straight at me. It was the longest 5 seconds ever. It was weird. He expression was expressionless. I almost thought he was mad at me or displaying or something. We literally haven’t talked since the break up. What is going on? Why the sudden change?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 12:20 pm

Maybe he wants to say something or is thinking about something while looking at you

Amelia

February 11, 2016 at 1:19 am

Hi Amor/Chris,

I’m currently on day 27 of NC (he hasn’t been in touch, but i heard from a mutual friend he’s been asking about me). My NC actually ends on Valentines day, so i’m going to contact on the 31st day instead. Now i’m wondering what to say in my first text after NC.
Should i say something along the lines of: “I was watching an advert for x and it reminded me of that time we went to x, it made me really miss you”. He’s a soft kind of guy and said the last time i saw him that he missed the softer, sweeter side of me (this was a month ago). Or do i tell him a true story about how i ran into a celebrity that does most of the voice acting on a show he loves? (he was actually tackled by someone wearing a costume that looks similar to a character on his show, made me laugh for hours at the irony).
So should i go with a soft approach at first? Or should i tell him about me meeting someone he admires which had a funny twist?
Thanks in advance!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 12:12 pm

Go with the first one 😉

Rebel

February 10, 2016 at 8:32 pm

Hey Chris!

Could you write an article on what to do if you get stuck somewhere in the process of getting him back? I’ve followed all of your steps since the breakup 3 and a half months ago, but I feel I’m not making any progress, now. A roadblock article would really help.

Please and thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 11:46 am

Hi Rebel,

I’ll forward this to him! Thank you!

Brownie

February 10, 2016 at 10:50 am

Hello Amor/ chris.., I need some advice pls and this is the issue, I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 years, he’s mind plays tricks on him and he’s hardly ever sure of anything, he constantly feels that there’s someone better for him out there, he grew up in a divorced home and always thinks that marriage is a road to hell, i thought I could change this mentality of his but as the years go by it gets to a time he feels good about marriage and wants it and then again he just snaps out again and starts withdrawing from commitment.., i broke up with him in January when I found out he suddenly with rew from me and made no contact for 5 days and I found out he was enjoying himself with someone else the whole time . I told him whenever he’s done with all the other ladies out there and thinks im the one for him he sud let me know but for now I’m signing out. So we see in church on Sundays , usually we sit together but since I started the NC rule on January 12 I never sit next to him in church, i sit far away from him but last week sunday I got to church late so i couldnt pick a seat myself and coincidentally the ushers lead me to a seat next to the one my boyfriend was, I couldn’t refuse it so I managed to sit next to him and didnt talk at all but after the service I was leaving when he grabbed my hand and asked me how I’ve been. I said fine and he then said he was chosen as the best man for one 9 his friends wedding and wants to invite me for the wedding . I said ok and ill think about it. Then we both went home and he called later to ask if I had gotten home and I said yes and thats all and he hasn’t called me since Sunday. What do I do next

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 10:09 am

Okay, first when you set to change his mind, that’s already a lost cause because you can’t change somebody else’s mind, it often leads to frustration on both parties but you can influence a person’s decision but it will always be his call.. In a personal perspective, it’s either we let that person go or that person adjusts because he knows your standards. In this case, you are the one adjusting for him.

But at least you’re doing nc now, it somehow got to him that you’re liking what he’s doing, if the wedding is after nc, go! It’s an opportunity to be beautiful and have a fun time together

Liz

February 9, 2016 at 11:45 pm

Hi Amor and Chris!
I’ve been using this site for awhile now (since my ex and I broke up) and when I did the NC rule the first time it definitely helped, we stopped fighting and became a little more normal. Over winter break (we both go to different colleges) we were both home and starting going on dates ect again. At the end of break he told me that we were too far to be together but we still talk and he always asks if i am seeing anyone else. Lately he has been talking about how we can definitely be together when we are at home but we cant be when we are at school. I tried to explain that i needed more and that i loved him but i couldnt keep being attached to him if he couldnt put in effort at school. He said I cant force it and he had to think about it. Last weekend I was visiting at his school and asked if he would want to see me at some point. He then told me it wasnt a good idea and that the new girl he was talking to wouldnt like it. I said okay and that i didnt think we should communicate anymore because i dont want to get in the way of that. Then later that night he blew up my phone telling me he loved me (first time hes ever told me that) and that he was lying about the new girl and its terrible that we are so far away because he wants to be with me so badly and i believed him and we talked for a little. Then he has completely started blowing off my texts, saying he is too busy to talk to me and when i said i would be at his school again this weekend he told me he was “too busy to see me and had too much work and social stuff going on” Spring break is coming up and we will both be home, but i dont think i should see him over spring break if he isnt giving me anything at school. I think he doesnt think ill follow through and thats why he continues to do these things. I was wondering if you think i should do another no contact period, if so, how long (since I’ve already done it and we are sorta talking i guess) and should i do it while we are both home too? Im afraid i keep bending what i want and what i need to keep him in my life and its gotten to a point where im not looking for anyone new because I think of him as mine, but i think he may be talking to other girls at school (he avoids the question every time i bring it up) I just need to figure out how to make him take me seriously and commit to me, either all the time, or not at all i guess. PLEASE HELP

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 9:27 am

Hi Liz,

You’re right in all of your thoughts.. You have to be firm about your standards… It’s either you’re ok with what he’s doing or you leave because you’re not. The risk is, he might leave when he’s not up to it bit the good thing is, he’ll value you more if he really sees how you value yourseld

Frustrated

February 9, 2016 at 9:13 pm

Btw, could you tell me why he’s ignoring my friendly texts? Like he just disappeared! Is doing NCR on me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 9:14 am

That’s hard to tell, it’s either that or he really doesn’t want to talk yet

Anna

February 9, 2016 at 7:05 pm

Hey! I have a few questions:

1) How do you handle breakup confrontations/questions IF you’re wanting to win him back? For example, if someone (or a group of people) who are so happy for you and your ex suddenly finds out that you guys are “no more” and would ask questions. What is the best way to respond? Do you say something that is more of “it’s my fault” or just say that it’s non of their business? Do you tell the truth and what he did? (example: “well.. he cheated on me so I think I deserve better”) I don’t know how to respond if I am wanting to win him back- especially if these question-givers have the potential to deliver the kinds of responses I give them.. to him!!

2) How do you deal with his “friends” post breakup IF you want him back? He probably talked to them about me or the breakup (assumingly in a slightly negative way because his friends saw us very happy together… in this personal case, he has a new girl who they don’t know yet but they have heard about.) Do you try to be friendly-friendly with his friends? (but that might appear that im chasing him) Do you avoid them?

3) I am planning and dead-set on an NC of 1 year or so because I tried getting him back in a span of 6 months and nothing happened (on off NC, tried everything) He also has a new girl so I was thinking I’d wait it out and do my thing til their honeymoon stage fades. He hasn’t been making an effort to contact me either because he is a stubborn type. I was wondering if I should really just focus on myself and move on….. -for now- because i really feel tired of trying to get him back even though i like him (we were happy most of the time together til he had a side chick.) I know I’m supposed to have a light/good interaction with him… which I tried, but it feels VERY superficial between us two and it just becomes a little irritating (I’m sure he’s a little irritated too and feeling paranoid about my being “nice casual”) but I’m pretty disappointed now because it looks like I’m doing all the effort

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 8:55 am

Hi Anna,

1) be vague, it’s a hint that you don’t want to talk about and they shouldn’t know the specifics.. Those are personal matters. Tell them you had misunderstandings,if they ask what, tell them you don’t think it’s fair to him if you go into details

2) Don’t assume what other people think about you, just act appropriately when you see them. Act according to your values, not how they see you.

3) If you really want to do a one year nc, go ahead.. that takes a lot of courage and patience and it also gives you time to think and grow. 🙂

Laura

February 9, 2016 at 6:03 pm

Hey Chris,

My 6 year relationship that was serious ended a year ago. Half of that time we did long distance and throughout the relationship we talked about a future, kids etc. My ex pursued me hard over the years, I was definitely an Ungettable girl. This past year we continued to see each other regularly, he still was committed to me (in a way) but I felt was very Emotionally Unavailable due to ending uni and starting his first big career, plus my insecurities and demands pushed him away. He started to pursue me again before I went away for 2 months, however I pushed him away because at that point I was hurt from his lack of commitment. Was having the time of my life in Europe (no other guys tho) and pushed him away when he wanted me. I MESSED UP. I have apologized, expressed it was the biggest mistake of my life pushing him away… My question is is it too late to use NO CONTACT? since I have before, it worked before, its been a while since the relationship actually ended… He seems to have given up, and insists on moving on. He is very cold, almost mean to me now. says “its better this way”, “things are going smooth for him in his life” “says he no longer has feelings for me” “I deserve a great guy”. “it saddens him but its the way it is”… He ALSO has what I believe is an emotional rebound (he insists they are just friends) a girl he is spending weekends with and going on trips with… is it even possible to get him back? not even 2 months ago while I was away he was talking about a future, asking what he needed to do to be with me, and marriage…… What can I do??

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 10, 2016 at 1:37 pm

If he was asking you that 2 months ago, I don’t think it’s too late to do NC

Frustrated

February 9, 2016 at 5:13 pm

Hi Chris,

I’m on my 3rd day of NC. I broke it off with my ex boyfriend because he just wanted to be “frenz” as he put it yet he was getting the fringe benefits like he would from a “girlfriend” but without intimacy. I felt he was putting me in a friend zone and that will not work for me. He had troubles with off and on jobs, non commitable and lacked “intimacy” I think he may have felt pressured on that part as well as thought of me as a “mom” figure. Things got boring. He just wanted to stay home, watch movies and I felt the chase and sparks were gone. Whenever I would initiate any time of romance, he would pull away. There was no one else due to we were seeing each other everyday. It got to the point where I started declining his invites to hang out since that was all it was and I was miserable. So stopped hanging out with him. It’s been 3 mos. However, 2 wks ago, he asked to hang out with his friend (s) and I declined- (I have told him I can not be in the frend zone and give him benefits without giving back) we had a nasty, abusive fight over texts. It came down like a bomb! It was ugly with name callings, etc. The next day, I apologized for my part in it and I wanted to cordial. Also, I told him that we can be just “frenz” as he requested but I can no longer provide fringe benefits (help, or like a “girlfriend” but without sex since he stopped). He never replied back nor with my other texts for two weeks. The last text I sent was 3 days ago so I’m on my 3rd day. Do you suggest 21,30,45 or 60 days for me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 10, 2016 at 1:34 pm

Hi,

Actually we only recommend 45 days as the longest. Try 30 and when you reach and you feel you still need to extend, go ahead

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2016 at 8:42 am

Well, if it prevents you from breaking nc yes. Because, the more you do nc, the less it’s effect. So, it’s better to finish it and then move to texting phase…
May

February 8, 2016 at 6:41 pm

Hello Mr. Seiter, Miss Amor.
I was looking for a page that covers how to judge what your ex thinks of you by looking at his responses to your texts.
Sort of like a translation of your ex’s texts so you can judge what he thinks of you.
However, I didn’t find a page that covered things like that.
Is there a page that discusses that?
Because I think it would be a very helpful article.
Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2016 at 9:18 am

Hi May,

I think these post convey that but if not don’t hesitate to tell me. 🙂

What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Actually Meant (Video)

Cat

February 7, 2016 at 11:23 pm

This is extremely like what I am going through at the moment!! Thanks for doing it, giving me hope again. Day 9 of NC and its very hard! I also know how stubborn my ex-boyfriend is so I know he won’t get in touch. But I’m getting my plan of action together for after the NC.
Lovely

February 7, 2016 at 6:43 pm

Hi! I’m almost done with no contact, 21 days in. And I was debating what to do since he hasn’t unblocked me nor texted me. Would it be okay to purposely bump into him to get me on his mind? I was thinking about being polite and not too forward when talking to him. And maybe end the conversation with a hug since it seems the last time we broke up each time we hugged he tried to go for a kiss which I rejected or I initiated the kiss and he kissed me back and he said seeing me and hugging me made him realize he still loves me. I don’t want to go over the line too much since he does have a new girlfriend(that he’s been seeing for about 1-2 months now) but I feel scared he’s going to be closer to that girl as time goes on.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 7:01 pm

Hi Lovely,

If you’re going to do after nc, that’s ok but wuth the hug oart, you have tk make it a friendky hug.. because of they’re in a hineymoon phase, you might appear as threat and then he’ll pull away

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351 thoughts on “EBR 042: When You Should Use The No Contact Rule”