Navigating General Breakups- The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

300 thoughts on “EBR 047: Navigating A General Breakup”

Am

June 30, 2016 at 1:50 am

Hi,

I would like to have some advice on my relationship. My partner and I have been together for half a year and we pretty much know each other’s family and friends. We were adamant that this relationship is going to work out as we both have been cheated on previously.

However, 4 months into the relationship, due to some military deployment he had, we were always fighting due to the insufficient time together. Since then, he has been withdrawing from the relationship and he is always insecure about me cheating on him. A couple of days back, we had a talk and he mentioned that he still loves me, but he is unable to reciprocate the love back to me. He told me that we should give this relationship one last try and if it doesn’t work out, we would end it. However, I did mentioned to him that if he sees no future with me, he can leave. He chose to stay in the relationship, but he has been conversationally ghosting me.

I am not sure if he is still keen to work this out, or I should go and just try the ex boyfriend recovery tactics.

Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 1, 2016 at 11:36 am

Hi Am,

when was the last time you sent a message to him and when was the last time he messaged? You’re still together right? He’s just ghosting you? Don’t initiate contact with him… be active now and go out with friends. Just avoid any jealousy moves..

Cara

June 29, 2016 at 10:25 pm

Chris and the EBR team,
First off, you guys are awesome and spot on on so many of these issues. I do have a few general questions that I haven’t seen Chris address anywhere.
What does it mean when your current BF maintains his online dating profile? I know this answer seems obvious at the surface, but I wanted to know why an guy you’re dating would tell you they only want to date you and no one else but are still keeping an active dating profile (whether you met them online or not)? Does it mean the obvious that they are still keeping their options open? Or is it a very bad sign that they really are not just that into you?
I have one friend who says it’s a guys way of comparing and window shopping as men always want to have a back up plan.

What is the EBR teams take on all this and I would love it if Chris wrote an article on this topic.

Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 1, 2016 at 11:15 am

Hi Cara,

Thank you! It depends.. by active do you mean he’s really talking to other girls there? Then yes, he is keeping his options open..

or yes, he’s not that sure in you yet..

or he could have just left that account and forgot about it.

Erika

June 28, 2016 at 12:36 pm

Hi. This is the 2nd time around I’ve been reading your articles on how to get him back. The 1st time was on 2013 when my ex broke up with me because he was unsure if he still loves me. I begged for him back and then suddenly did the no contact rule. After 28 days, he contacted me and said he missed me. After a few months, we became a couple again. Success!

And then on our 5th year of being a couple, he broke up with me through text. He wasn’t texting nor calling me to tell me where he is for a week. I always had to message him first so I sent him angry texts, and he asked for a break-up. I kind of accepted it and did the no contact rule on him. After 2 weeks, he sent me disturbing texts (he has suicidal tendencies) which made me worry so I decided to stay as his friend. We were getting along but then I gave up on being just a friend because I wanted more than that.

I did the no contact again. On the 30th day, he called me and it felt like he missed me. He texted me after the call and said he kinda missed me. But my emotions were still high so I ended up fighting him about the break-up because it hurts so much. I then apologized for my mistake and texted him good vibes texts for a week or so.

And then I did no contact again. He was texting and calling me (again) during no contact period. I didn’t respond. Then after 30 days I started texting him again. I think I kind of do a horrible job at texting. But I am much more calm and patient now. He was responding quickly to my texts and I felt his concern and love for me. But I also felt like he built up a wall against me because I fought him a few times post-breakup.

I honestly want to give up. I feel like losing hope. I don’t know if I should continue texting him to build a rapport and to slowly gain his trust OR should I just do no contact again and just wait if he comes back or not. Did I already lose the battle?

Erika

July 2, 2016 at 12:22 am

If I focus on healing, then is that equivalent to implementing No Contact rule?

Thank you for taking your time to give me an advice.
Erika

June 28, 2016 at 12:57 pm

To clarify the reasons regarding the break-up, he said that we have different likes, hobbies, etc. It is true. But we had a 5-year relationship in spite of that. I think the break-up was partly my fault because lately I didn’t show much needed interest on his line of work and hobbies (he is into arts and I’m not super into it). And it’s also partly his fault because he relied his happiness on me and our relationship. He doesn’t have a support system aside from me.

But during our recent texts, he said he was having fun with his life. He was drinking, partying, and meeting new friends. Gone is his depressed side (maybe). I told him I’m proud of him because his social skills are improving. But I felt hurt because it’s like he is having fun in his life without me. Maybe he doesn’t need me anymore. Maybe he can handle his emotions on his own now and he doesn’t need his bestfriend/girlfriend to talked to about his emotional rants in life. I don’t understand why he is suddenly happy right now. I’ve known him for 8 years. Why is he acting like this now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 1:13 pm

Hi Erika,

if he really is maturing emotionally then that’s good.. you should focus on healing for now.. it’s not true love if both of you stayef just for emotional support

Help

June 27, 2016 at 8:47 pm

Ok so I don’t think my comment is staying on the website, but anyways here I give it one last try. I really need advice. My boyfriend and I dated for 2 years. He went on vacation, met a girl came back and broke us up. Immediately I found this site, and started doing the no contact rule. I worked on myself pretty well, I was able to be happier and love life. I finished the no contact perfectly. Last week, was when I first contacted him after NC. I didn’t hear from him the whole nc, but he responded within minutes. We met up, he moved and gave me his new address to his house. I didn’t stay very long, but it went very well I think. He said he wants to start doing activities again with my family, and mentioned that he misses me. However, the girl he met on vacation lives a crossed the country, and I think he talks to her. It has been a couple days since we met up, and I’m wondering what I should do from here. Why would he want to do things with my family now? Help!

Help

July 3, 2016 at 5:30 pm

Why is he trying to get back into my family after we’ve been broken up for a couple months? I know he has a lot of friends, why can’t he hang out with them? I’ve moved on and hoping he would do the same considering he was the one who broke it off. But then all of a sudden he wants go do things with my family? Why is he doing this?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 4, 2016 at 8:01 pm

because he misses you.. and maybe that’s his way of guaging if you’re still the same as before
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 12:34 pm

HI Help,

sorry for the late reply.. take it slow.. if he wants to spend time with your family, so be it. Have fun but don’t want to be back with him right ahead. You should continue the activities you started during no contact and then slowly rebuild rapport with him.

Lost and confused

June 26, 2016 at 1:59 pm

Hi!

I have just a gone through a breakup, a month and a half ago..
I am the first girlfriend he ever had.. We are 25 and 26 years old..

We were together for almost three years, and we were supposed to move in together. We have lived together before for about 1,5 years, but then I went away for 6 months to study.. When I came back we continued our relationship but lived apart from each other. (It was always the plan that we would move back in together when I came back.). We started looking after apartments.. We didn’t fight a lot, just the normal amount.

One day he dropped the bomb on me and told me he didn’t want to move in with me after all because he thought we fought too much and that it wouldn’t work out anyways.. This was the main reason, but he also thought we had different plans for the future. We had a long talk and we decided it was for the best that we broke up, so it sort of was mutual agreement at that time (this was on a Sunday). The next few days I had a lot of time to think and I regretted the decision so I asked him that Wednesday if we could talk it over. He said yes and we talked, but he was now more sure than ever that it was not a good idea to try again and he was certain that we made the right decision. He was not ready for that sort of commitment again (moving in together) because he didn’t think it would last and that it would all be the same deal again. He couldn’t promise me that if we tried that he would want to move in with me again in a year, or two or three… But he told me that he still liked me as a person, but he didn’t think it was right for the time because of our “different future plans” and because of the fighting. We agreed on staying friends because we have so many common friends and because we work in the same shopping mall and have to see each other at work..

I think he is wrong about the fighting. He has never had a girlfriend before and before we got together he always had the thought that he didn’t want a girlfriend. But then he met me and we fell in love and he thought differently at that time.
I have been in a serious relationship before so I know that we didn’t argue more than a regular couple, but I don’t think he knows what amount of arguing is normal in a relationship.. About the future plans.. I told him that he had completely misunderstood and that we share the same views on things. We both want to live a little before we want children and that it’s not important for me to marry. I just want to be together. But he sort if ignored that and stuck to the “fighting reason” for breaking up.

Like 2 weeks after our breakup we were both out with our friends (we share friend group).. And we hooked up that night.. A really bad decision. But he hasn’t tried to hook up with me again or anything like that. He doesn’t seem interested in hooking up again, I think we both know it was a bad idea and I think that he doesn’t want me to think that I have a shot again with him.

It’s now been 1 month and two weeks since the break up and I just found this website the other day. I have listened to most of the podcast and read the articles. I don’t feel that my situation is covered mostly because of the way he is and I don’t know what to do next. We have frequently contact on FB, he sends me DMs on instagram of videos and we also have some contact on snapchat. It’s not flirtatious, it’s always a friendly vibe. I try to be short in my answers. As I said we also work in the same shopping mall, so I see him some times a month even if I would like it or not. It confuses me when he contacts me, because I don’t know what he wants and it’s also confusing because he knows that I still have feelings for him..

I don’t know how to go about the NC rule because of the reasons above, and I don’t want to be rude and just suddenly become all quiet when we’ve had frequent contact. So please please help me!! I don’t know what my game plan is here and I am not even sure if there’s a chance of getting him back because of his views!

I tried to buy the book but there seems to be a problem with the payment when I try to pay. I really want to read the book.. So please help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 12:39 pm

HI Lost and confused,

tell him you need space to move on and then do no contact.. if you bump into each other and he approaches you, answer him politely but be short and direct. and then be active in improving yourself and having your own life so that he won’t feel pressured with you.

Amanda

June 26, 2016 at 1:12 pm

Hi, okay so my boyfriend went out of state for a vacation and met a girl. She lives across the end of the country. We broke up, and he started talking to this girl. I did a full no contact 30 days perfectly. I worked on myself a lot, and improved my appearance. While the 30 days was up, I initiated the first contact. He replied within minutes after not hearing from him for a month. He agreed, and wanted me to come over to his place to talk. He gave me his new address, and it went pretty well. He said he missed me, and I said I missed him too but I was playing hard to get. It had been a couple days now since, and I’m wondering what I should do now. I have to be the one to initiate contact, but he responds fairly fast. He asked how my family was, and wants to make plans to hang out with them. The only problem is I think he’s still talking to this girl he met on vacation. HELP!

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 12:34 pm

HI Help,

sorry for the late reply.. take it slow.. if he wants to spend time with your family, so be it. Have fun but don’t want to be back with him right ahead. You should continue the activities you started during no contact and then slowly rebuild rapport with him.

Heartbroken

June 25, 2016 at 7:09 am

What do I do if my ex tells me he doesn’t love me? He acts like he does but he says all his feelings for me are gone.

Heartbroken

June 29, 2016 at 7:59 am

I am 19 and he is 24. We were together for 6 months. We both were very clingy, mostly me. I think he got tired of seeing me 24/7 and he dumped me. It was a very messy break up with on and off NC. Fast forward to now, it’s month #5 since our breakup and we are talking again. We have had sex a couple of times, fought a bit, but it’s going good. The first time we met up since we started talking again, it was amazing. I felt like he loved me so much more. He said how much he missed me. He even called me “baby” and “babe” a couple of times. He gave me tons of kisses. A couple of days after that night, I confronted him about his feelings for me. I was sure he loved me but he said those love feelings for me are gone and he just cares about me. It’s week #3 since we started talking. We have had sex a total of 3 times. Every time we meet up, it’s so lovely. It’s like he loves me so much. The way he looks at me. I’m really afraid to cut contact with him again because I missed him so much. Whenever I bring it up, he changes the topic. Whenever I stop talking, he initiates. He doesn’t seem to want me to go away either. But I don’t know what I should do now? I am happy but not happy. He acts like my boyfriend but doesn’t want to be so he can NOT act like my boyfriend when it suits him. I can’t call him the cute names I want to so badly. I don’t have the rights I used to have because I’m not his gf like- knowing where he is, texting all the time. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 4:35 pm

stop sleeping with him bcause you’ll be a booty call.. you have to let him work for you, because if he’s getting what he wants.. then why commit?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 10:30 am

Hi Heartbroken,

how long was your relationship? and how old are you?

Sandra

June 23, 2016 at 6:45 am

Hi Chris and Amor;
Just wanted to say that I love the site.
I have read most of the articles, looking for something like my situation, but have not found the “right one”, a few pieces here and there.
Background: I am older, over 40 as was my romantic interest. We were involved for seven months, short time I know but very valuable time. He insisted we were “friends only” but did everything a boyfriend would. When he was in town (he works away) he spent his time with me and took me out, dinners; lunches; movies; special thoughtful dates. When he was away he would call and text just to see how I was, how my days were going and let me know how he was. I told him the truth, that I was developing deep feelings for him and couldn’t play the “friend only” game anymore. He seemed quite hurt but more angry. I wished him all the best and then I went N.C for 12 days and only broke it because he wanted his items from my house. When he came over we had a calm talk about the breakup, (which now came across as his idea, but that’s ok ). He said that he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, that he couldn’t offer me the love he wanted to give me and thought I needed, that I was beautiful and perfect for him but he had nothing inside to offer.(both of us cried). He is going through some stuff in his life right now, financial issues; health issues, and so on. My heart breaking, I told him that I understood and would be there if needed. He got his stuff, gave me a huge hug, took one long last look and drove off. Working on me so I haven’t spoken to him for 4 days, no texts; calls; Facebook likes, but he has liked everything I have posted on Facebook for the last two weeks.
My question: Do I do the no contact rule? (what do I do if a health issue comes up, answer him or ignore him)?
Help please….
Thank you;
“A Little bit Broken”

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 1:47 pm

Hi Sandra,

I think it’s not just the right time for him but if it were, he would have taken a chance.. Yeah do nc.. It can help to have a breather and to increase the chance of making him realize he can take a chance.

Sophia

June 22, 2016 at 9:18 pm

It’s 2 months post break up and now I’m getting worried that other girls are going to be coming on the scene. He was texting my best friend a lot, but she assured me that’s never going to happen and they’re only friends. There’s another girl though, he’s become really close with, texting, sitting together. They share lots of the same interests, get along really well and laugh a lot together. At the moment they’re “only friends”, but I personally think he’s really into her and I don’t know what to do.
Beth

June 21, 2016 at 7:14 am

So, I’ve been on this site for over a year now and bought the book. All your advice has helped, but somewhere along the way when it seemed like my ex and I were slowly getting back together it ended up being bad timing. I just had a lot going on and he wasn’t able to be there emotionally for me. We never officially ended things at least that’s how I feel, but he understood that I didn’t want anything after one argument. We eventually cleared things up, hung out a bit, we had sex once and he slowly drifted away. He told me once that he was too selfish right now and relationships were the last thing on his mind.

I always had to ask him to hang out after we cleared the air and he always said yes and would make it happen if certain days didn’t work for him or me. I know how he is and he won’t really reach out to people to hangout unless someone tells them they should hangout. He doesn’t want to be a bother. But I grew tired of having to do the work. He recently (3 months ago) made a new group of friends that have pushed him to do more things that he originally wouldn’t have done. He’s gained confidence, which I’m happy about.

We haven’t seen each other in almost two months and I’ve messaged him 3 times since we last saw each other. Each conversation was about a new band coming to town and I always kept it brief and ended it. I noticed on twitter that he unfavorited some of my tweets and he only did that to me when he first broke up with me. Honestly, as much as I don’t want to I think I have to give up.

The thing is I’ve skipped going to concerts because I find out on Facebook that he’s going and I don’t think I can keep hiding anymore. There’s a concert this Thursday that I really want to go to and I have no one to go with. Which I’m fine with since I’m okay going out alone, but I know he’s going to be there with his best friend and maybe a girl I think he’s talking to now. It’s a small venue and I know we’ll bump into each other and I’m not the type to ignore someone. Should I go? If I see him should I go up to him? Should I even try to look nice? Most importantly do I give up?

Beth

June 21, 2016 at 11:18 pm

I have and still am. I’m not the type to sit around, I actually was the one encouraging him to go out and make new friends. The past couple of months I’ve been busy going out, dancing, traveling etc. I guess that’s why I haven’t tried either, but I felt like I was bothering him when we were messaging. The last thing I want to be is the ex girlfriend that won’t leave him alone. I figured if he really wanted hangout he would eventually ask because he knows I’ll always say yes.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 9:23 pm

Hi Beth,
I think yo should have done what he has done. Try to make new friends.. It’s ok to go to the concert and to answer your question.. if you really want a last try, why didn’t you build up rapport in the last times that you texted?

Elizabeth (from the podcast)

June 19, 2016 at 1:42 am

Hi, Chris!

I’m reaching out to you because a few weeks ago, I made a tearful call to you under the alias “Elizabeth.” I found myself back on your website and realized that in the article/podcast “Navigating General Breakups,” you responded to my tearful plea . I am 100% that Elizabeth. I am humbled that you chose my call to feature in your podcast. I am messaging you now because there were a few details that I managed to leave out of my message… I did not graduate from high school; I graduated from the University of Houston surrounded by my ex-boyfriend’s family (they drove all the way from Oklahoma) and my own. A day later, my boyfriend broke off our relationship. He moved from Oklahoma to Houston to be closer to me, and managed to find his dream job along the way! We’re both going to be in Houston (as far as I know), so the threat of a long distance relationship was never an issue. It’s been about a month since the break up, and while I have been taking time to manufacture my own happiness, I still find myself thinking about him and wondering, “what went wrong?” We had similar values, interests, and morals. We discussed marriage, how to raise a family, and our future as a couple. Please… Is there any other wisdom you can impart on me? This man and his family mean the world to me. I am still in the dark as to why, after two years, our relationship wasn’t worth saving. Thank you again, Chris!

Elizabeth (from the podcast)

June 24, 2016 at 1:18 am

As far as I know, he is still working in the same place. The last time he initiated contact was on my birthday (a few weeks ago). For the time being, we’re still in no contact (I did have to ask him for my belongings).
Elizabeth (from the podcast)

June 21, 2016 at 9:54 pm

He has not moved. We will be living within 15 miles of each other…
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 22, 2016 at 8:18 am

So , it looks like that’s the real reason.. sorry for another question..if he didn’t move.. did he still continue with that job in your place? if not, that confirms it more.. are you still in nc now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 6:38 am

Hi ELizabeth,

yeah I remember you.. I just want to clear out something first. You said he found his dream job in Houston, but you also said you were both going to be in Houston. So, did he move or not?

Sophia

June 18, 2016 at 3:20 am

I’ve read a lot of articles on this site however one thing I haven’t come across is what to do if you work/go to school with your ex AFTER no contact? You obviously have to see each other… so do you use the date strategies or texting strategies in person or continue with the policy of limited contact in person and use the texts… help please! 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 11:55 pm

Hi Sophia,

Thank you fir reading our articles! Here is the post for that: EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

Leana

June 17, 2016 at 9:16 pm

I hate and despise my ex. I also love him. We had a sort of on and off relationship and at the end, we were friends with benefits. In the last episode, I became toxic and he noticed that, I was making mean comments and trying to end that and he noticed so he ended it first. I went to NC then a month ago.
I don’t want him to be with someone else. I want him to miss me, to feel the pain. It’s killing me that I don’t know does he miss me. I couldn’t help myself leaving mean notes at one forum where we met on the subject of exes and so on. I know I sound bitter and he must be satisfied with that or feeling pity for me… I don’t know what to do. Chris reccomended 45 days NC for on and off realtionships. Whole month passed and I feel the same. I am not sad, I am angry and bitter. He was making a fool of me for so long. He never loved me, he said it few times, that he was in love but he didn’t love me, just infatuated. He didn’t love any woman ever. I was the woman he fell in love the most. But he couldn’t love me. I wish he at least loved me and stopped, but knowing that he didn’t love me even though I was the first woman he lived together with is making me so angry… How could he play me like that? Everything wasnt real, I was his toy… He had problems with erectile disfunction and I waited and with my patience it was solved and I was so good to him, I would do anything to make him happy. But that wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. At the beggining he thought I am wonderful and better than him but I was too good to him and he obviously didnt need that…

What should I do?

Leana

July 10, 2016 at 8:20 pm

He also said that he never felt so lonely in his entire life like now. And he is also emotional when he is talking about us but I don’t know then why he doesn’t want to be with me? If he misses me, if he is lonely, if he cares about me, what is holding him back? Why is he choosing others over me? Grass is greener sndrom?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 10, 2016 at 8:53 pm

45 days..

he might be seeing the old you and the old rationship plus the gig syndrome..

he’s not abusive, so the answer if he is deserving for you, will only depend on you..on what you want and what you don’t want in a guy
Leana

July 10, 2016 at 10:17 am

30 or 45?
Do you think I shouldn’t try to get him back, that he’s not worth of it?
And, should I date others?
Leana

July 9, 2016 at 2:58 pm

So, you reccomend 30 or 45 days? We were kinda on/off, broken up twice and then had on/off fwb for six months after the second breakup. I am scarred that he will date another girls… or have sex with them only, but that would hurt me anf I couldn’t go back to him after that
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 9, 2016 at 6:17 pm

to be honest, given his history, it looks like he will do that.. that’s why you need to know what your standards.. because the goal here is for you improve for yourself and also to change his perspective of you..
Leana

July 8, 2016 at 10:53 pm

We’ve met accidentally in shopping mall and talked. He was nervous and kinda sad and that gave me hope, so… well, we slept together. After 40 and something days of NC. We were sleeping together for six months and breaking that “fwb” or whatever that was, for 3-4 times. He admitted he cares deeply for me and has feelings but he broke up twice because we are unhappy together. I can’t convice him to give us a chance to work that out. He is conviced that we can’t be together. But he is unhappy, he said that. And he said that he had feelings for me but he was in denial about that because it was easier for him. And now, I dont know what to do. He felt very bad after sex, the next day, he said that we became toxic couple. I wrote him a letter/mail that I am letting him go, blah, but we’ve met again and now we are talking on Facebook chat and I don’t know what to do. Another NC? He is still very attracted to me, should I do one of Chris’s advices after sleeping with ex, engaging in sex talk and then end conversation or another NC?
He is so stubborn. He broke up with me six months ago and he still has feelings but he just wont give us a chance.

Is there any hope for us? To be together and more important , to be really happy?Or we are doomed? I know that another conversation won’t work because we had soo so many conversations about us and it didn’t help. So, what now? I am so tired of NC. Can it be effective if I keep talking to him but making progress in life also?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 9, 2016 at 12:56 pm

sorry about my previous comment..it was incomplete. I was supposed to say

the longest we recommend is 45 days actually..it only goes longer depending on the situation and also if you haven’t been active you have to restart no contact.. coz that’s what’s more important than being silent

you need to do nc more for yourself because you have to have your own life, a new routine and to let go of the anger first.. in the ungettable girl’s perspective, it’s either you lose him or he changes for him to stay in your life..so aim that.. know what your standards are
Leana

June 22, 2016 at 2:03 pm

We’ve seen each other last time 14th May and separated in angry tone. I am writting at the same forum as he and I was very bitter in most posts so I’m trying to fix that because I sound like average bitter ex. There is also that older woman who likes him and hates me, he said to me that he doesn’t find her attractive at all and that I’m crazy but he also lied to me that he went for a coffee with her only one time and that isn’t true, I found her messages. I am so scared he will hook up with her because I couldn’t forgive that. She is older 20 years than me and 10 years than him. Gross.
It’s killing me that I don’t know what is happening between them.

So, soon will be those 60 days and I have a vacation in the other half of July, I will go to my home town and he will probably go travelling alone. I am not ready to hear him although I want to but I’m still too bitter. I will try to change my behaviour but I’m short with time… That would be our third luck, sometimes I wonder am I crazy because he said he would never gave someone even second chance … so he must think I’m a total fool for giving it to him.
Leana

June 19, 2016 at 10:42 pm

I have stressful job which takes my whole day, when I come home, I am too exhausted to do anything but I will have to. I am going out but with old friends. I should date maybe, but I can’t…
Is it 60 days too long to stay in NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 22, 2016 at 4:38 am

the longest we recommend is actually..it only goes longer depending on the situation and also if you haven’t been active.. coz that’s what’s more important than being silent
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 10:46 pm

Hi Leana,
you need to extend nc..have you joined classes or groups of same interests if you hobby to meet new people? you need to be more active in doing new things and going to new places so you can start to have a new perspective..

SJ

June 16, 2016 at 12:09 pm

I had a general break up with my bf of 8 months, I did NC for 21 days, after I reached out to him a couple times about some things I came across that reminded me of him. He gave me positive responses, but after I replied he did not reply back. Making it very difficult to continue a conversation and build rapport. I thought it may be better to ask him to catch up casually. He said sorry I guess I don’t know intentions, not sure that’s the best idea right now. I told him my intentions was just to catch up and see eachother and he more or less told me that he didn’t see him self regaining feelings. I said you don’t want to be friends like you asked me before? He said we can try but I agree that it will be difficult. I gave a short response and he didn’t reply. That was a week ago. Not sure what to do? obviously I don’t want to be just friends but not sure he would be willing to see me otherwise bc he doesn’t want to lead me on and I feel like he won’t respond to me enough to build rapport.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 12:32 pm

Hi Sj,

It looks like you were expecting him to start a convo after you reply.. at first you would have to end the convo in cliffhanger so that he would be interested to have a conversation.. I think you need to do another nc and also continue the activities that you started during nc after it

baby

June 15, 2016 at 2:48 pm

hi
i broke up with my ex 4 moths ago (My first relationship). We had a fight on first trip. Then patched up. He commited try to work things out, hope good things stay true forever. A month later he sent me text to end the relationship; Reason being no passion/sparks better of being friends. Frankly speaking I felt ghosted, cheated. Betrayed. Despair. Unfollowed him & his common friends. No closure attained. It hurts me & kill my self esteem.
We’re in NC since then. I’ve been working to improve my fitness, getting on with my life.
But i still thinks bout him. I do hv the urge to text him. But I dont knw if i want him back? or what to do..

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 4:12 am

Hi Baby,

if you don’t know if you want him, just keep going in what you are currently doing.. it’s ok to feel to still want him back but it’s better to focus on acting for yourself before making any move for him if you’re not sure yet.

Sara

June 15, 2016 at 2:02 pm

I would totally save money for a webinar or for a bit more in depth “what to do.” Ex and I broke up in February. Had a fight 2 weeks later over his best friend sticking her nose into my business. I found your website and started the no contact rule. After 30 days I messaged him, and he responded positive/neutral. I waited a few weeks before responding again (he was out of the country) and got no response. I waited two more weeks to text again and got nothing. Two weeks later we see each other at an event and were friendly. Talked a little bit, thought things were going well. Wished him a happy birthday a few weeks later, no response. Instituted another no contact month and finally broke it. Negative and cold response this time, but still a response.

I’m determined to get this man back. I know he’s my one like I know my own name. I’ve given him space, I’m not annoying him with messages, I’m polite and not super flirty. I’m losing weight, changing my hair, finding my confidence, and being the queen I’m meant to be.

What do I do next? He’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert, so I’m trying not to bombard him with my gregariousness.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 11:28 pm

Sara! have you tried sending in a podcast? Actually I remember you.. I’ll screenshot your comment and ask Chris and then get back to you.. is that ok?

Jane

June 12, 2016 at 12:09 am

Hi guys,
I’m in a particularly prickly situation, and the details would make this a very, very long novella so I will try to sum it up!

Our relationship was fine until I got on birth control, I went downhill as an individual and tried to control the relationship. He broke up with me because I was controlling and critical and drove him crazy. I begged, I begged more than I care to admit. I acted completely psycho, and it’s cringeworthy. I also did some undignified sending of the nudes to his best friend, who I naively believed when he said he would keep it on the down low. He found out, I was devastated, I had been in NC for a week (the hardest part imo), and I called him about it after I thought I had cooled off a little. Well, I ended up turning into a sobby mess. After that I started NC over for 28 days.

I stopped taking birth control during the first week, and I had a much, MUCH easier time moving on in the way I needed to. I invested so much time into myself, I changed my diet, got control over some recently acquired bad financial habits, and started a lot of projects that I hadn’t had motivation to work on. I don’t want to blame a hormone pill for my actions, but there are too many parallels with me getting substantially worse/better around the times I started taking the pill and got off of it.
It wasn’t until I was off of the pill for roughly a week that I realized just how badly I had screwed up. I screwed up royally. And to top it off I said so many things to him that were out of line and uncalled for.

I stumbled upon your site about a month and a half ago. I didn’t get super into it at first, but I listened to your podcasts and saw results, and I wanted results. I ended up purchasing your book and loved it. Not just because it helped me understand things better, but because it emphasized how important it is to focus on myself.

Anyway, during this last week of NC, I really started to realize how many horrible things I said to him and how much needless nonsense I dragged him through. I sent him the “I have a confession” text on a Wednesday, he replied “What,” and I said my “confession”. He didn’t respond, which I was prepared for. However how I treated him nagged at me for the days after I sent the text. I sent him a brief but sincere apology that was not sappy or emotional. I sent the apology on a Saturday (today) and he replied, “ok.”

I’m not really sure what to do now. I took a risk sending the apology, and I certainly veered off from the specific directions in your guide. I feel better knowing he knows I’m sorry, but his response tells me he is still peeved. Another 30 days? He never sent me anything during the NC period.

I really need some advice.
Thanks guys

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 7:38 am

Hi Jane,

perosonally, I don’t mind you guys sendung sorry one time.. that’s ok because you really are sorry.. just don’tbplead and then contnue on nc

Unique

June 11, 2016 at 3:22 pm

First I think the webinar that you mentioned is a good idea allowing for more personal and realtime interaction. I have been having trouble seeking help to my situation because I believe I fall into some of the ones you’ve discussed, but then I don’t fall into any of them. My ex and I have a lot of mutual friends where we would find each other being at various places together, but he is extremely introverted times 100 and I didn’t really know him.
Fast forward he pursued me and we got together because why else would I be here. We worked really well together where we had 2 fights in a year relationship (just shy of anniversary). One at the beginning which resolved after a day or two of not talking and worked it out, then a big one… right before the breakup. I was his first relationship, because he was so focused on school/work (and introverted). Unfortunately things were said in the heat of the moment from both parties not understanding the others stance on the situation. But after some time apart I was over it and moved on from the fight thinking he needed the space. He broke up with me after some time apart after the fight that never resolved saying he wasn’t serious enough, his feelings weren’t strong enough etc, but stating he wanted me in his life, crying while breaking up etc but now seems no attachment or heartbreak
I was in shock, but I accepted the breakup, but contacted him calmly a few days later asking him to meet to talk for possible closure/understanding because of all the confusion, which he was more than willing to comply. Still haven’t met him, and it has been 3 months with very limited contact and a lot of NC. I have been focusing on myself and getting out and about. My concern is when I do finally contact him since he has been willing to calmly and logically talk about the breakup and I’ve been putting it off because of my fear and because I needed to wait till my emotions were intact and logical thinking was back, but reading here there should be no talk of the relationship, when the last 3 months the limited contact we had has been about getting together to talk things over. We both are logical people, minus the few times our emotions got the best of us (this breakup on me and the unresolved fight). Though if we talk things out logically maybe we could find where things went wrong, because so much more is unique to the situation.
I apologize for the length, but I do feel a lot of the details that I left out might help with the insight. I am the person that usually helps other relationships and this is the first time for this situation and that is all emotions aside. If you need more I’d share, but maybe not in this type of forum. My apologizes again, but hopeful for some insight for help.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 3:55 am

Hi Unique,

sorry for the late reply.. You said you don’t use much of the social media but you have common friends and you avoided your outings with them for him but currently, you’re broken up for three months? So, are you still friends with your mutual friends because I think it’s time you start going out with them. That can be your way of slowly reconnecting with him and I think you shouldn’t talk about the relationship right away.

Amber

June 10, 2016 at 5:16 pm

SUCCESS STORY!
I just want to share my story for encouragement for you ladies! My then ex broke up with me on MAY 1. I was the typical jealous, over emotional, insecure woman. I immediately implemented no contact. I went on a trip with my best friend and concentrated on making my life as enjoyable as possible ! I also took time to reflect and research ways to deal with my abandonment issues. I worked on becoming better inside and out. My ex text me on the 10th day asking why’d I have to be crazy lol obviously I didn’t respond. Called and text me twice around 2am one morning. I didnt respond. 3rd week I text him basically saying I hope there are no hard feelings. 4th week I wrote an apology letter. He responded positively. 2 days later asked me on a date and to get back together. The relationship feels so much better. I feel more secure because I took time to focus on me. I believe part of the reason my ex took me back was because I didn’t act how he expected. Crazy emotional me would call or text a billion times saying RIDICULOUS things! I realized he needed space and I loved and respected him enough to give him that . Be patient and strong ladies !

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 14, 2016 at 10:18 am

Thank you for sharing Amber 🙂

Ifeelstupid

June 9, 2016 at 11:15 pm

Hi Chris,

I was pretty far in the recovery process but I might have ruined it all. I was on my 4th date with my ex. We went out for 9months but we were really good friends before. He said he has been attracted to me for a while and it was the same for me but we were both too shy to say anything. He broke it off mostly because he said he did not feel the same way about me anymore. I completed the 30 day NC. Followed your texting strategy and phone call strategy to rebuild rapport. He was texting and calling me almost everyday. We had some good and deep conversations, and some flirty ones too. He made it clear he was attracted to me. But on the fourth date I knew he was leaving the country for a month long trip to China (other side of the world really) the next day. He said something that made me jealous about how some lady told him “you will definitely find a girlfriend in china because you are so handsome”. I did not react negatively to this even though it just hurt so bad hearing this and jokingly said “ooooh maybe the lady is flirting with you”. We were watching a movie at his place and somehow I ended up getting quite close to sleeping with him. Even though he initiated the kissing and cuddling, he said something like “we shouldn’t be doing this”. I came back to my senses, I pushed him off me, took my spare keys back (which he always had with him even throughout the first NC. I had always contemplated taking it back but somehow did not have the heart to do so) and left his place. He seemed distant and cold when I left. Did I completely screw it up? I feel like I was so close and now I feel like a complete idiot for screwing it all up. Do I still have a chance left? I was thinking of going back into NC for a month. I was wondering if NC would even work given that he is going to be on the other side of the world on a holiday? Should I prolong the NC this time?

Eagerly awaiting your reply
Ifeelstupid (I really do)

Hmm... Confused

June 19, 2016 at 1:30 am

Hi Amor,
Thanks for your reply. Yes the way you put it makes a lot of sense. I was really puzzled by this behaviour and wasn’t sure what he wants. Your explanation makes sense.

Well I was going to do NC again but he started asking me if I am OK and if everything is fine so we started texting again. He was not as lively at first but things got a little better. It is a bit difficult to keep texting with the time difference though and so I can’t tell if the drop in frequency is because of that. But what bothers me is that he kept saying “I don’t mean to change the mood but we need to discuss thing between us”. I changed the topic the first time but he kept going back to saying that again. Now it makes me nervous that he might pin this on me trying to get him back and say he doesn’t want it. Would it be a good idea to use reverse psychology around dating as Chris suggests in his post and tell him “I am not interested in jumping into the relationship again feet first” or should I wait and see which way the conversation goes. What do you suggest.

Thanks in advance for your help and reply!! Really appreciate it!!
Cheers
Hmm… Confused
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 6:21 am

then let him talk.. let him initiate it and then listen to what he has to say about your relationship
Ifeelstupid

June 9, 2016 at 11:41 pm

PS- I forgot to mention I made it very clear previously I was just not up for being FwB or having casual sex.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 16, 2016 at 4:30 am

Hello,

I hope you’re feeling better as of now.. nope you didn’t screw it up.. it was a good and bad scenario..Good because that means there was definitely an attraction again, bad because I think it was too early for that.. I think the nc would be appropriate while he’s gone if you’re not talking… but if you are and it’s doing good then just continue to build rapport while he’s in China

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