Today we hear from Christina, a woman who really has two questions.
- How to approach her no contact period.
- How to get out of the friend zone (if she is there.)
While Christina did ask me more questions about the no contact rule I decided to make the focus of this episode around the friend zone or what to do if your ex boyfriend places you in the friend zone and looking at if that means they don’t care about you romantically anymore.
So, here are a few of the things that I talk about in this episode,
Things Discussed In This Episode
- My personal experience with the “friend zone”
- Albert Einstein and Insanity
- The importance of the no contact rule
- What NC does with the emotional support your ex may be seeking
- How to reverse friend zone your ex
- Sending mixed signals
- The girl who gets the guy has to be willing to lose the guy
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With An Ex Boyfriend
The No Contact Rule
In this episode I discuss why the no contact rule is so effective in a “friend zone” situation.
To recap, it cuts off the emotional support he is expecting from you and raises your value in his eyes.
Trust me!
Friend Zone Him
Ah the good ole reverse psychology tactic.
Essentially you want to treat your ex boyfriend like a gay best friend. I gave a pretty good example of how to do this in the episode above.
Give Him Mixed Signals
Be into him one moment and then repulsed by him the next.
Be hot and cold…
Just mess with his brain as much as you can.
Be Willing To Walk Away
Sometimes the girl who is willing to walk away holds all the power.
Be that girl!
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 12 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Just a little side note before we get started, if you haven’t already gone to the iTunes page for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast and left a review and subscribed, please do so.
We really need those reviews to keep this podcast thriving and surviving. Please do that if you haven’t already. It would mean so much to me and the brand. I know it seems like I’m making a big deal out of that, but that’s because it is a big deal. We need those reviews to survive and keep going.
Let’s get down to business. Today we’re going to hear from Christina, a woman who is afraid that she’s putting herself in the friend zone with her ex-boyfriend. Let’s hear from Christina:
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz“Hi, Chris. Your articles and ebook are so eye opening. I’ve been taking in everything you’ve said. However, I do have a concern about the no contact rule. My boyfriend of a year and four months broke up with me about three weeks ago. At this point, I’ve come to terms with it and have been actively taking steps to improve my own wellbeing. I do miss him though.
He’s a total catch. He’s honestly a great guy. My concern is that I broke the no contact rule a week and a half into the breakup. We talk frequently, not 24/7. It’s not all the time, but enough. We’re on “good terms.” But I’m afraid I’m putting myself in the friend zone. I’m also well aware that we’re not on the same page about this. I know he thinks we are. How do I restart the no contact rule at this point?
I can’t help but think that if I suddenly just start ignoring him, he’d see it as me being a drama queen. I’m definitely not one for creating drama. I steer away from it at all costs. I don’t want to give him a reason to think that I’m trying to manipulate him or that I’m cold-shouldering him because I’m angry. Wouldn’t that push him away? Is there any way to restart the no contact rule at this point? Thanks so much.”
Thank you for messaging me and leaving a voicemail, Christina. I really appreciate it. When I listened to your situation, there are two main points that you brought up that I want to cover today. Number one has to do with the no contact rule. Number two has to do with friend zoning.
I think the bigger issue here is the friend zoning fear that you brought up. You fear that your ex is going to place you in the friend zone with the way things are going right now. I would like to make this episode specifically about how to get out of the friend zone if you find yourself in it. I’m going to tailor it towards your situation and give you an idea of what you need to be doing to go forward. We’ll get to your questions about the no contact rule in a second.
First, let’s talk about the friend zone. What is it? How do you define the friend zone? The way I define it is that there are two people in some type of relationship. Most likely, they’re friends. One person has feelings for the other person. The other person does not reciprocate those feelings back. What you have here is a friendship where one person has severe strong feelings for the other person. The other person doesn’t like the person with the feelings.
Let’s put you and your ex-boyfriend in these roles. You’re obviously the one with the feelings. He’s the one who could potentially be friend zoning you. It puts you in a position where you really don’t have a great shot of getting him back. To be honest, being in the friend zone is probably one of the worst positions you can find yourself in if you’re going to launch a “get your ex back” campaign.
What do I mean by that? I would liken it to trying to get an ex-boyfriend back if you cheated on him. It’s that hard to overcome. Why do I say that? I have been on both sides of the equation when it comes to the friend zone. I have friend zoned women before and I have been friend zoned before. What I’d like to do for you, Christina, and the listeners is talk about what goes on in a man’s mind when he friend zones a girl. I have been there. I have done it before.
You’re going to get an interesting story about me in college. I’m sure I’ve friend zoned more than one woman but there’s only one particular woman that comes to mind when I think about the friend zone. I met that woman in college around my second year. She had a pretty massive crush on me from the get-go.
I remember the first day when we exchanged numbers with each other, she was hitting on me very hard. She hit on me a lot. She kept saying, “You’re so good looking.” She rolled that out. I remember reading her text and thinking, “Wow, that was forward.” I’d never had a girl come on to me that fast. Some men may like that, but I didn’t like it.
To me, it painted her in a desperate light. I didn’t like it. It made her seem desperate to me. I don’t want desperate women. I want women who are high quality, women that I know will pique my interest. Some girl who’s desperate right at the beginning and doesn’t make me work for it lowers her value. This all happened on a subconscious level.
It’s not like I read the text and said, “She’s desperate. She’s not high value to me.” I did think that she was desperate. I didn’t really think logically in the front of my brain, “She’s of lower value.” That happened subconsciously. Another thing that she did that really turned me off to her as a potential romantic partner was the fact that she did have a boyfriend.
She was not serious about the boyfriend. She told me multiple times. For those of you who have listened to this podcast and have come to understand the values that I have, I hold loyal-ness and trustworthiness to a very high standard. She flat out told me that she would break up with her boyfriend to come to me. She would cheat on her boyfriend if I was willing to cheat. That was very forward. It turned me off completely.
In fact, it painted her in a slutty light. I couldn’t help but think, “If I were to date this person, would she do the same thing to me?” That’s what I was thinking when she was making her pitch to get me to go with her. I ended up friend zoning her. I’m a nice person. I didn’t want to have a blow out with her and say, “Look, I’m not interested in you. Don’t talk to me again.”
I kind of strung her along in the friend zone. I didn’t give her any indication that I was ever interested. She was just there. She was in the friend zone. I had no feelings for her whatsoever. She was more of an annoyance to me than anything. For her perspective, it was an unfortunate thing. She had a lot of feelings for me. She kept coming on to me. This didn’t just last a few months. This lasted over the course of years.
There would be a few months here and there where we would fall out of touch. But then she would always message me. She would always tell me about her relationship problems, try to appeal to my ego and say, “I wish I could find a guy like you,” alluding to, “I want you.” I never really had feelings for her. She was stuck in the friend zone.
I would never even consider dating her. I would never even consider kissing her. She tried to kiss me at one point. It did not work. I did not have any of it. I did not want to be associated romantically with her at all. I didn’t want to be mean to her. I don’t like being mean to people. At a certain point, I think I was a little bit mean. I was so discouraging towards her.
I don’t know if this is going to help you, Christina or anyone listening. This is what the friend zone is. The man who puts you in the friend zone has no feelings for you. That’s a little discouraging to hear, especially if you’re trying to get your ex back. Here’s the thing. The example I gave of the girl who had a crush on me, I did not date her. I did not kiss her. I didn’t hug her. I didn’t hold her hand. There was no physical contact whatsoever.
What we’re dealing with when you’re trying to get your ex back is the fact that, if your ex friend zones you, you already have history to fall back upon. You can think, “He did date me. He did go out of his way and lock me down.” It’s not impossible to get out of the friend zone in that particular situation. I think it is almost impossible to get out of the friend zone in any other situation.
If you are in the friend zone and you don’t have a romantic history with a person, that means that they’ve already classified you as someone that they don’t ever want to be in a romantic relationship with. Often times, if someone in that position does get out of the friend zone and starts dating that person, it doesn’t work out in the end.
I can’t tell you how many stories I run across from women saying, “We were friends for eight years. Then we dated for a year. Now we’re broken up.” That’s a common thing. It doesn’t really work out. It’s not some sort of fairytale romance. This is going to sound arrogant and conceited. I would describe my relationship with my wife as a fairytale relationship.
When you look at the beginning of a relationship, it’s what you’re shooting for. Both people weren’t super great friends before the relationship. They just fell head over heels for each other really fast. I think that kind of relationship has a higher success rate than, we were friends for 10 years, then we worked things out and we dated. Those are my thoughts on the friend zone.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizLet’s turn our attention to Christina’s situation and the no contact rule. Christina mentioned that she’s a little afraid of restarting the no contact rule on her ex-boyfriend because she doesn’t want to come off as being rude, giving him the cold shoulder or starting drama. Christina, I’m very proud of the fact that you don’t like to start drama. I can’t stand people who start drama.
I’d like to read a quote from Albert Einstein. He says, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result every single time.” I understand your fear completely, Christina. It’s a fear that I thought more women would have. What you’re doing right now to get your ex-boyfriend back clearly isn’t working.
It’s almost like you’re in the friend zone right now. If you keep talking to him, messaging him and meeting his emotional needs, you expect him to all of a sudden wake up one day and say, “I made a mistake. I’m going to take her back. She’s always been there for me. She’s the girl for me. I love her. I’m going to take her back.” That’s not going to happen doing what you’re doing.
If you keep doing what you’re doing and expecting a different result, it is literally insane. You need to do something to change things drastically. Who cares if he think you’re starting drama? Who cares if he thinks you’re giving him the cold shoulder? Good. Maybe he can find some other girl and friend zone her. You’re not going to get him back if you are friend zoned.
You have to work yourself out of that position. You can’t be looked at as a friend. You need to be looked at as a potential love interest. I say, rather than sit there and worry about his feelings, just do the no contact rule. Who cares if it ruffles his feathers? You’re doing this for you. Already, your chances of getting him back aren’t good.
The odds are stacked against you when trying to get an ex-boyfriend back. That’s the nature of the beast. All I’m trying to do is improve your chances. Who cares if he gets upset? You have two options, in my opinion. Number one, keep doing what you’re doing. Option two, do the no contact rule and do something about it.
Here is the nifty thing that no contact does when you’re looking at a friend zone situation. What happens when you’ve been friend zoned? When I’ve been friend zoned in my life, it’s always the girls coming to me to get their emotional needs met, and that’s it. I think I’m a professional friend zone with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. That’s all I do. I meet their emotional needs, and that’s it.
When a guy friend zones you, he may expect you to meet his emotional needs. He might expect you to listen to his problems and become that one friend he can always count on. He’ll take that for granted. He’s getting more from the relationship than you. It’s not like you’re getting the physical benefits. It’s not like you’re getting your emotional needs met. He’s using you for his own emotional needs. Don’t be used.
The no contact rule is great at flipping the situation around. When he comes to you looking for his emotional needs to get met and you’re not there, he doesn’t know what to do. He realizes how important you were. It raises your value in his eyes. That is only possible if you ignore him through the no contact rule.
Of course, you can’t expect to get out of the friend zone and get your ex-boyfriend back just by using the no contact rule. It’s a common mistake that I see so many women make. They come to my website. They read about the no contact rule. They do the no contact rule. Then they don’t have their ex back. They’re blaming me because I led them astray somewhere. They didn’t read the entire process. Fifty percent of it is doing the no contact rule. The other 50% is what you do after the no contact rule.
What I would like to talk about for you, Christina, is what you should be doing after the no contact rule to get out of the friend zone or have your ex-boyfriend look at you in a different light, as a potential romantic partner. First, if you’re doing the no contact rule, you’re going to cut off the emotional support system that he has with you. That’s what you want.
You want him to feel helpless. You almost want him to look elsewhere to meet his emotional support needs. Let him friend zone some other girl. You don’t want to be the girl he friend zones. Let him friend zone some poor other girl. It’s a common fear women have that, “If I use the no contact rule, he’ll find someone else. He’ll go to someone else for his emotional support.”
So what? With my tactics, you’ll become more impressive than this other girl he finds, and he’ll probably friend zone this other girl, too. Do you just want to stay in the friend zone? That makes no sense to me.
The no contact rule is important here. It comes into play because it cuts off his emotional support system with you. What you do after the no contact rule is just as important. After you get done with the no contact rule, I want you to friend zone him. Reverse psychology here. Treat him like the gay best friend you never had.
I’m not an expert on gays but I know about the stereotypical gay best friend and what they’re there for. They’re there to support their woman friend with dating advice. The girl can come to the gay friend to get her emotional needs met. She is basically friend zoning the gay friend, not that the gay friend would want to be romantically involved with a woman.
Maybe you could talk to your ex-boyfriend about guys that you’re thinking about dating. Here is a common example. Let’s say that you’re moving into a new apartment. You message your ex and say, “Hey, could you do me a favor?” He responds, “Sure, what’s the favor?” You say, “Could you help me move my things into the new apartment?” Treat him like that. Treat him like a gay friend. Go to him for your needs. Friend zone him and don’t give him any physical benefits.
Also, send him mixed signals. Be hot and cold with him. One minute, act like you’re into him. The next minute, act like he repulses you. Do this constantly. It will confuse the hell out of him. It will work like a charm. It’s classic reverse psychology. You’re doing to him what he’s doing to you. It will force him into your position.
Look at you right now, Christina. You want your ex-boyfriend back. You mentioned that you think he’s a catch. To me, it doesn’t seem like he’s saying the same things about you. If you do a role reversal with him and put him in your role, ironically, he’ll start thinking that you’re the catch. He’ll start chasing you, which is exactly what you want to happen.
After sending mixed signals, being hot and cold, being into him one minute and out the next, the last thing that I want you to do is be willing to walk away. Understand that your chances, if you’re being friend zoned, aren’t as great as another general woman trying to get her ex back. Sometimes the best thing you can do to get your ex back is to walk away.
Maybe a half-year down the road, he’ll contact you out of the blue and come on to you. Then it develops. By then, you may have moved on. Who knows? Maybe you haven’t. Sometimes the woman who is willing to walk away holds the greatest power over her ex.
I always say, in order to get the guy, you have to be willing to lose the guy. Be willing to walk away if this doesn’t work out. Don’t put your entire life on hold for him. We are here for you, Christina.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIn the show notes, I’m going to create this game plan of what you should do to work yourself out of the friend zone. I hope I answered your question about the no contact rule and how you should just do it. I used the Albert Einstein quote when I was explaining that to you.
I also want to say thank you for purchasing my book. I noticed you mentioned in your message that you purchased Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I really appreciate that. For those of you listening, if you have not picked up Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro and you want a step-by-step guide for how to get your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband or ex-lover back, this is the guide for you.
I’m not just peddling my own product here. It is probably one of the best get your ex back guides out there today. You can go to the page. I’ll link to it in the show notes of Episode 12. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I had a lot of fun recording this episode. I hope you had as much fun as I did listening to it. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. Thank you for listening.
Again, if you haven’t reviewed or subscribed to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, please do so on the iTunes page. I’ll link to that in the show notes. If you want to leave a voicemail for me, simply go to the contact page on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/contact.
I’ll also put information in the show notes of this episode for how to get in touch with me or leave a voicemail and potentially get your question answered. I had a great time, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. I will see you tomorrow.
Mel
July 31, 2020 at 10:07 pm
My ex boyfriend ended things with me 3 months ago after being together for 4 because I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed in the relationship and I want him back but he said he’s too hurt to get back together and that he wants to be friends so how to I get him to fall back in love with me? We talk everyday now and he texts me regularly I think deep down he wants to try again but he’s giving me a taste of my own medicine because he doesn’t trust that I won’t leave again.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 1, 2020 at 10:18 pm
Hi Mel, it does sound as if he is trying to play you at the same game. But if you want to follow this program you need to complete a period of No Contact for at least 30 days so that you are not falling into the friend zone
Ann
March 8, 2020 at 1:12 pm
My ex broke up with me 3 years ago but we have lived together for the last 3 years being friends with benefits. We have basically gone through everything together but Now our lease is ending and he is telling me he wants to be platonic and he is seeing someone else. The minute he told me he wanted to be platonic we began sleeping in seperate rooms and he spends one night a week at this new girls house. He says I am his best friend and he wants to stay friends… He is also my best friend but Ive been wanting a relationship Ever since we ended three years ago. How do I get him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 13, 2020 at 12:09 am
Hey Ann so as you are in the friend zone you need to remove yourself from that. You need to ask your ex to meet you in places that are romantic and increase that romantic vibe each time you see him. Work on your value chain so that you build his investment in you romantically, but you MUST not be intimate until you are in a relationship again
Jessica
March 1, 2020 at 5:31 pm
We dated for a month. We clicked instantly and I could tell he really liked me. About half way in I asked for a SLIGHT clarification of our standing. I simply asked if he was seeing other people besides me? I also asked him where he saw himself in the future bc he is a young graduate with an excellent degree… he could literally go anywhere. I didn’t ask him to put a label on anything or try to force it. His response was no he wasn’t talking to other people but then acted panicky afterwards and said maybe we should slow down (started to withdraw). I even told him I didn’t want to rush things either- I was simply gathering a little info. So then I was panicky bc he was panicky. And all this tension built and I got really emotional. He really has acted like a jerk. He finally said he didn’t think dating for us was a good idea. (Mind you- he SAID originally he IS looking for a relationship before we ever actually met in person- but I get it- he doesn’t want to rush.) So then he ends up saying maybe we could just be friends. I asked him what is the purpose in being just friends? He said because he thinks I’m cool and if he is passing through (he lives an hour away but comes to my area for work) he might want to stop in and say hello. Or help me out if I ever need anything. I told him I’m sorry but I think my feelings are a little too strong to be just friends. He sounded disappointed in that. Now we aren’t speaking at all. I feel like I need to heal and move on and stick to my guns about this just friends business. But I’d be lying if I said I NEVER want to hear from him again- I just want to hear from him again under the circumstances that he does miss me and would like to take me out on a date again and maybe give it a second shot. I have no intentions of contacting him anytime soon (tbh honest I don’t think I’ll reach out to him EVER unless someone can show me why it would even remotely be a good idea) bc it is painful.
Maria
December 3, 2019 at 2:58 pm
Hello,
My boyfriend broke up with me (it was his choice) one month ago. He admitted that he cheated on me a few days before he told me about his choice to break up with me. During the first week I was doing the mistake of begging him to be with me again. During the past 20 days we are acting like friends. He asked me to remain friends with each other because he loves me as a person, but does not wish to have anything more apart from friendship. HE CALLS me everyday and we see each other everyday. We have common friends and he also visits me at home as a friend. When I told him that I need a break and stay (for a while) away from him because I am not ready to see him as a friend now he refused and said that we should remainy friends. In about 10 days he is about to stay for the Christmas period (1,5 month) in another city (a city that we used to stay the past 4 years together for holidays). Unfortunately, the other person who my ex cheated on me with, lives in this city (coincidence) and my ex has been having contact with this person since they met each other (1 month ago). My ex admitted that he likes this person very much. What should I do? Important notice: I was with my ex for 4 years. During the past 20 days that we remain friends I’ve been trying to improve the things that he didn’t like about me while we were a couple and I still hope that we’ll be together again. I read your article, but I would appreaciate your advice as well!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 9:26 pm
Hi Maria, so being his friend is too hard for you because you want to be with him. So tell him no. You are not friends he has CHEATED on you, and you chose to forgive him, then he decides to end things with you and tells you he likes this other person! Stand up for yourself and tell him NO. Go into a no contact and do not reply to his calls or let him come to see you! He is using you as company when he is the one who has done wrong to you and broke your trust. I understand you want to get back with him and are worried about this other woman but you need to go into an immediate no contact with this guy so he can see he does not get to treat you so poorly! DO NOT answer his calls or texts, dont let him into your house and do not be a doormat! He is not going to respect you never mind want to come back to you!
Jen
November 6, 2019 at 5:13 am
My ex and I split up in July when he got freaked out about committing. He was adamant we stay in contact, but when I reached out he stopped texting mid conversation and just didn’t answer anymore. I called him out on that today and he apologized and said we can be friends. What’s my next step?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 8, 2019 at 10:56 pm
Hey Jen so this is not what you’re wanting to do if you want to get him back. You’re supposed to go into a No Contact where you dont speak to your ex for 30 days minimum and work on your life, cultivating an image where you are Ungettable to your ex to make him miss you and want to talk to you. You do reach out as a text as a friend after the 30 days NC where you ask for help or advice on a subject you know he is interested in.
Peyton
June 30, 2019 at 3:56 pm
Hello..
I have a friend that was in love with me for 3.5 years. We had intimate relations but during the time, I wasn’t ready for a relationship .. but he still held on. I kept saying he was my friend and didn’t want anything more. He became my best friend. I eventually started liking him and realized that I actually love him… and as I was slowly showing him my feelings, he found another girl that he really likes. Timing really wasn’t on my side. He now wants me to be supportive as a friend and doesn’t want to start anything with me “for now”. Even though he wasn’t my actual boyfriend and we never really dated, it feels like he’s my ex…
He is angry with me, saying that he’s given me multiple opportunities to be with him and that is completely true. I just never took it. Is it best to do no contact? I tried being his friend but it’s too hard. There’s too much that happened between the new girl, him and me during the time I was trying to be his friend. I told him yesterday that I can’t be friends with him and i’m not interested in being friends with him.
I know this is an unusual situation and i’ve been hesitant about posting it.. but if someone can help, please help..
Chris Seiter
June 30, 2019 at 10:17 pm
Hi Peyton…perhaps it would be best to pull back for some time, then try reaching out again, but use the method I teach in the Texting Bible. If that falls short, then I think a fully formal No Contact period would be the right approach.
Tammy
September 1, 2018 at 2:41 am
Hey Chris,
Have had lunch with my ex twice now and tried to ask him if he wanted to grab drinks – he said he wasn’t sure it was the best idea. Then he basically told me over text he wasn’t sure we should keep hanging out because we’re not dating and we were never really friends. I basically told him that I’m not really interested in delving back into anything physical with him, that we’re looking for different things, and that I respected his stance when he told me he didn’t want to get back together over the summer. about I told him that I was past our past and assumed he was too. I asked him if he wanted to talk more about this for to clarify things but he said not now/today. I finished up by basically saying that I thought we were becoming friends, valued our friendship and didn’t just want to drop it. I said I would give him space. Please help me. I still have feelings for him and I just tried to get him to have drinks and it set us back. Should I send a text midweek checking in and asking if he wants to grab lunch?
Sarah
August 17, 2018 at 9:22 pm
So.. this would be too much to say right now then
“I’m loving the time we are spending together… It really is amazing how much we can talk for hours… laugh like crazy… and just really enjoy each other.
You know… we haven’t talked about what we are doing here and I’m assuming that for you it’s in the space of friendship.
I’m actually want more than friendship.
I know you may not be ready for that now, or you may never be, and that’s okay.
I want to be real with you that I feel for you more than a friend and should the opportunity come up where you want to step into exclusively dating, I’d be a YES for that.”
Chris Seiter
August 18, 2018 at 3:31 am
Yes….probably a bit too much for now. Also, laying down too many cards on the table. Men do like to chase.
Sarah
August 17, 2018 at 5:30 pm
Hi Chris!
I’m seeking advice whether or not to tell my ex that I feel for him more than a friend.
After 1 month of NC (him saying he wanted friendship/I said no), I texted him. We had 5 weeks of “light” texting (all initiated by me) and THEN… I asked him out for a day adventure. He said yes. (He broke up w me due to trust issues w me. I technically didn’t break his trust, but to him I did. Without details, he is right to feel how he felt.)
Fast forward 5 weeks – we’ve gone out 8 times (I’ve initiated them all). Some for FULL DAYS together, 1 Sat night comedy show and dinner, hiked a few times. All interactions have been positive. I apologized for my part in the breakup too. He thanked me with a bit of a teary eye.
We’ve flirted a bit. Some implicit… some explicit. We’ve not discussed what we are doing (neither of us call each other “Friend”) yet I feel mostly friendship energy from him but sometimes I would bet 100% he has feelings. (and we certainly have a GREAT friendship now.)
We are texting more now. He has only initiated a few times though. It’s mostly me initiating everything. He always responds… happily. Our conversations (text/in person) run the gambit of light and airy, silly, deep, personal story, future goals.
I’m not sure if it’s time for him to hear me tell him that I want more than just friendship. For me, I’m starting to unravel a bit. I’m not sure if he knows I have feelings (Our first 5 months together when I wasn’t sure I had feelings, he would have sworn that I did. He may be being cautious right now… or he may be totally unaware… or he may be “making me prove myself/work for it”… or he may not have feelings accept for friendship and is going with it because I initiate everything and we have lot of fun together…??)
What’s your take, oh wise-one?
Should I share my feelings now or give it more time?
Chris Seiter
August 17, 2018 at 9:13 pm
Hi Sarah!
So just keep slowly building the connection. Never pushing too hard…keeping it positive and reinforcing your value in various subtle ways. Build and build…leaving him little breadcrumbs. Maybe even later utilizing some very subtle jealousy tactics. Don’t over think it. Eventually, the guy is the one that usually blinks.
Mel
May 2, 2018 at 7:22 am
Hi my ex and i broke up 3 months ago..non contact was initiated for a while before he started reaching out in Feb. the texts have been daily since March and we have met up at least once a week since then. He has always been very touchy and flirty in person and very warm..similar to what he was when we first started dating. however he labels us as ‘just friends and has stated a few times that there are boundaries that cannot be crossed or it can’t be like how it was before. we have not slept together as I did say i don’t do the friends with benefits thing. I have never been in a situation before where an ex still keeps in such active contact and initiates meet ups etc. I’m wondering how to handle this and if i am in the friend zone how to get out of it
Chris Seiter
May 3, 2018 at 1:44 am
Hi Mel…yes I agree…he seems to want everything his way. I don’t think its healthy in the long run if you want a personal intimate and committed relationship with him. Is he insecure about commitment? Keep reading up on things I have here….consider my ebooks as they dive deeper into tactics you can employ and if you are looking for a supportive environment, consider my Private Facebook Support Group Community (about 1500 women in it now) which you can find out more info at my website Menu/products link.
Mel
May 3, 2018 at 2:02 am
Hi Chris thanks your quick reply. I have been reading your resources online (which are brilliant btw!) and trying to use them with him. he has some fear of commitment ( which i suspect led to the breakup in the first place) so have been trying to go slow.
it honestly feels that we are in an in between stage that I can’t seem to get out off…i.e in between friends and romantic partners.
Chris Seiter
May 3, 2018 at 2:15 am
Yes…guys can shy away when they subconsciously fear they are losing their independence or fear the uncertainty of the future. Slow and steady can win the race, so I have been told!
Jdani928
March 8, 2018 at 5:56 am
Hey so me and my ex broke up in August of 2016! I completed the NC rule. He started dating a rebound girl shortly after. Fast forward I made some complete changes in my life: lost weight, being more confident, dating around, and enjoying life! He saw this and wanted to come back. So we started making our way back to it! However, I did some things that he considered unloyal and I didn’t really consider his feelings all the way. This made him closed off. He finally blew up on me and we fell out. After a couple of weeks we became friends again, but he doesn’t see us together anymore. He’s completely forgiven me and forgot about the situation lol but now we are best friends!! We talk everyday! He tells me everything and vice versa! I really want him back but I’m completely in the friend zone even though we’re both still attracted to each other. Plus there’s a new girl at our church that’s so beautiful around our age! Too kinda get over it and act like I’m uninterested in him or okay with him moving on, I’ve been tryin to get him to talk to her like a dummy. He says he’s not ready for a relationship tho. But I need help because I know I’m messing things up but I really love him and want him back!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 11, 2018 at 10:55 am
Dont push him to her.. You should be the one dating others and spending less time with him..
Shelley
November 20, 2017 at 11:05 pm
Hey Amor,
I think I get confused by this because I do have my own life. He is not the only person I hang out with and I have met a lot of great friends since we broke up. It’s not like he and I are hanging out all the time, but when we do, it is always really good, but he doesn’t seem to take action. Because he isn’t asking for us to try again, that’s what makes me see that he just sees me as the friend, you know?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 23, 2017 at 12:30 am
He does see you as a friend.. There’s not enough distance and he’s not seeing you in a different light for him to be interested
Shelley
November 18, 2017 at 11:50 pm
Hey Amor–there doesn’t appear to be a reply button, but this is in reference to your comment you left me.
I am not questioning whether I have been friendzoned. That seems pretty evident. Rather, my question is what can I do about it now? He is about to move a plane flight away, so that can maybe come into play.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 20, 2017 at 3:48 pm
Hi Shelley,
That means if you kept hanging out like before, you have to start having your own life now to get out of the friendzone.. That’s one of the upside if he’s moving away, you’re going to have space.. Worrying or rushing anything because of that is not going to help you because that will make you look like a chaser
Shelley
November 14, 2017 at 12:16 am
My ex and I dated for a year and a half. He ended it because he thought something didn’t feel right and that we were treating each other like friends (which wasn’t the case as we were physical the days leading up to the break up). It has been about a year and a half now since the breakup and I am stuck. I have gone through the no contact period, texted casual things to restart our communication, and met up with him multiple times one-on-one where we really got along. The problem I get stuck with is that our friends from college are all still very close. When he and I are hanging out with the group, we do distance ourselves. When we are together alone, we have a lot of fun and really connect. That, to me, suggests that he just likes my company, but not enough to get back together with me. I have been stuck at being his really good friend he talks to about the things going on in his life and him being there for me, but then not knowing how to get him to reconsider the actual relationship. Please help!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 17, 2017 at 8:44 pm
Hi Shelley,
You’re friendzoned…That’s good that you tried the no contact rule, but it doesn’t end there.. distance means having your own life.. if you kept hanging out after it just like when you did before nc, then nothing really changed right?
Ella
August 25, 2017 at 12:22 am
Hello!
A guy I dated for 7 months (who broke up with me out of the blue 4 months ago) rekindled contact almost a month ago– initiating most of the contact, reminding me of things I used to say or old memories, etc. He even checked to see if I’d be at a mutually-visited location at the same time/day as him so he could come see me; honestly, given the tone of his texts to me, I thought he was going to make his move and discuss “us”. Then, two days before meetup, he asks me to a concert three months from now… as a friend. I asked him to clarify, and he eventually said that he only wanted/could give friendship right now, but that he missed me and even felt he was an idiot to let me go. Although we ended the conversation fairly pleasantly, I have, since then, kinda dropped out– not responded to his texts or snapchat messages, etc. I still post to social media (not obsessively, but enough)– he’s liked old posts on my Facebook profile like he’s searching through it, and he looks at my snapchat stories. I’ve only spoken to a few trust people about his re-entrance into my life, and all of them (men and women) are confused that he said he only wanted friendship when they all thought the nature of his contact was like someone in pursuit. Given the very warm, nostalgic nature of his “rekindling” contact for the past month, I’m unsure if he was trying to “friend-zone” me or use the “being there” method I’ve seen discussed on this site. Since I’m re-instating a sort of “no contact”, does that have to start over and go for 30 days like the first time you do no contact? Can you shed any light on this for me?
Thanks!
Ella
August 27, 2017 at 4:46 am
Thanks for the insight. Appreciate it!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 27, 2017 at 2:01 pm
You’re welcome!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 26, 2017 at 12:11 pm
Hi Ella,
I think what he wanted is to just be friendly for now and see where it goes.
Gwen
August 17, 2017 at 2:34 pm
Ex boyfriend and I live together and we still sleep in the same bed. He broke up with for things I had mentioned to his friends wives about us and he was furious. He told me that I needed to give him a time frame of when I will move out. I said by the end of the month. For a week, I went with ignoring him and only talked when he would initiate a conversation. So the no contact only lasted a week. Actually during the week, I still went to church with him and where his family goes to. We didn’t speak to each other much that day. He then invited me to have lunch with him and family after church… So two nights ago, he tried being intimate and I refused. He pinned me down, and I just laid there. To be honest I did enjoy it, but acted like he was indifferent. The next day he calls me during his lunch break and apologized. He then asked if he should get me plan B, it seemed like he was happy that he came inside me. (Not sure if I’m reading too much into, but it was like he would want to get me pregnant). I was still on my menstrual cycle and I told him it was okay and then said it couldn’t happen again and he needed to get the air mattress out, and he said okay. The next day I come home from work and he was in the shower and I ended jumping in (I couldn’t resist), and we did our business, and it was so good. I asked him to go to grocery store with me afterwards, then he suggested for us to get dinner first. We just talked as friends during dinner and I told him about the apartments I had been looking at. He then said that he was mad the week before and didn’t mean what he said. He said I could stay there as long as I needed and he would sleep in the spare room. He still slept in the same bed last night.
To top it off he speaks to his female coworker about us, and she has been giving him a females perspective. I know because I snooped through his phone. He mentioned to her the way I was acting and ignoring him, and she replied and said that I must currently be thinking that I could move on and find someone better than him, which is sort of true. That was the night he first tried to be intimate. What should I do from now. I should now revert to acting cold with him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 17, 2017 at 3:49 pm
Hi Gwen,
Check this one:
EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend
Esta
August 5, 2017 at 9:01 am
Hello, my boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago. I caused it all and after desperately apologizing and begging him to take he said he could only be friends and being the nice guy he has been..he never stopped texting me to check on how I was doing. I thought of declining the proposal to be friends but found myself falling for it hoping it would make things work out. A few days passed by I thought he could have gotten over the anger and I tried to bring up the issue again..begging and apologizing..which instead pushed him into silence. Out of frustration I took an overdose of pills and I was hospitalized once he heard of the news he has showed a lot of concern since then. He contacts me daily but besides being the nice guy he has always been, I believe he is also doing this because he would not want to be responsible I did something to myself but am pretty sure he still believes we should only be friends. Am in a mess I would really want to get out of. I feel am trapped in the friendzone because we have been chatting like really good friends. How do I start the no contact out of the blue. Worst part is we are business partners and we have to communicate sometimes. I have also been the clingy and needy girl in the past and I would want to give him another impression
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 6, 2017 at 7:12 pm
Aside from the advice above check this one too:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Tracy
July 17, 2017 at 2:49 pm
My ex and I are the same age we have had our second date after not seeing each other for 2 years. Both dates were about a week after each other. He told me he’s noticed he still has really strong feelings for me but is unsure about being in a relationship but isn’t sure why he feels that way even though he really does want it. I told him that I’m not going to rush him into making a decision but that I may not be here when he finally comes to one.
Things are going great so far and we talk every day but my biggest fear is that since things are so casual he may take me for granted and over time his feelings will fade. We have not kissed, however he has been very close to me every opportunity he has got during our dates – hugging, touching leg/back etc. We talk daily through text and sometimes lightly flirt with eachother.
I have a date wth him this weekend, where should I go from here in terms of behaviour towards him and us, what would be your advice please? Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 18, 2017 at 9:21 pm
Hi Tracy,
check this one:
The Rules For Going On A Date With Your Ex Boyfriend
suzy
July 8, 2017 at 7:01 am
we just had chatted a lot and laughed on phone and he also was too close and touched me but he asked me that is it ok to do this to a friend. but he still knows that i still have feelings for him but he told me that he just “im not just ready for relationship, because feel like not yet sure.” “i am just not interested to be in relationship.” “i just want to focus on my life.” and the reason we broke up is he said “it’s me, not you.” what should i do? and how i get him back? can give advice please, thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 9, 2017 at 7:11 pm
How did he know you still have feelings for him? Do you want to try the advice above?
Rea
June 9, 2017 at 8:26 am
Hi,
Like so many women reaching out through this site. I’m in a conflict. As backgrounder, my ex of a bit more than 1 year broke up with me last month because he said the relationship has become stale. That I was too much, or that it’s all too good to be true, because we almost never fight. But a week after, I found out that he likes someone else now. And he admitted that he liked her even before our break up but insisted that she’s not the reason why he broke up with me.
Anyway, fast forward, we started communicating again after no contact. He initiated it. Saying that he misses me. And that he’s been checking on my facebook profile everyday and glad that I seem like I’m having fun. He also said he’s jealous of other people he knows who are interested in me (I’m not gonna deny that I’m a bit popular). He asked if we can be friends. And I agreed. We started texting/chatting on facebook again and had a date just yesterday. It was fun. We had a lot of laughs and shared stories. Generally, it was a great date. However, I realized I still have immense feelings for him. I still love him. And instead of coming home from that date feeling great or happy, I felt heart broken even though we seemed to be in good terms even after the date, because I feel like there’s a wall between us that I just want to break down. He knows I still have feelings for him. And I can’t help but wonder if he still has feelings for me too. Although he initiates the conversation and sends a lot of messages if I don’t reply, he takes a step back when things start to become good or when we start talking about plans. I also can’t get it out of my head that there’s a possibility that he’s also texting/chatting the other girl while he’s texting/chatting with me. He still likes her.
Right now, he still continues to contact me through texts/chats. The last thing I sent was that I have to go to work (which is true. lol). Should I just suddently stop contacting him again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 13, 2017 at 6:08 pm
Check the link below and start the no contact period:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends