How To Get Out Of The "Friend Zone" With Your Ex Boyfriend

275 thoughts on “EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The "Friend Zone" With Your Ex Boyfriend”

Angeli

May 21, 2017 at 2:30 am

hello. i’ve been friends with my ex since the break up. right after the break up though, it was awkward and we weren’t really “friends”. but now the past few months or year, we’ve gotten especially close. he wrote in my yearbook how grateful he is to have a friend like me and that i’m always someone to listen to his problems. i feel like we can get back together. i feel it in my guts too.
but the only problem is that he is dating someone currently. it’s been 3-4 months since they’ve been going out. before he dated this girl, he liked me again. (found out through a friend) but we didn’t tell each other we liked each other, and so he moved on, thinking i didn’t like him. he has liked me again about a total of 2 times throughout the years after the break up. even if he liked girls before and had a girlfriend too (before this current one), he has liked me again.
we’ve gotten real close lately, and i feel like maybe he still feels something but doesn’t know about it because he is just in a relationship. but i feel like he still feels something for me, i just need to increase/reignite the attraction. i’m even waiting for his relationship to end coz i feel like it won’t last after highschool, since he is going to college and his gf will still be in highschool. plus i feel like my ex and i still have chemistry. what else should i do

Angeli

June 6, 2017 at 5:39 pm

Hi, i tried checking ur comment and u said “check this one:” but nothing appears for me
Angeli

June 3, 2017 at 11:25 pm

My ex boyfriend now isn’t with his girlfriend anymore because he actually lost feelings for her. 🙂 we are friends with. benefits right now but i feel like maybe that can cause some feelings on his side or maybe just put me further down in the friend zone. he even called me cute once but stopped. i am having a fear that maybe he will start crushing on others girls. maybe it’s because since we started doint friends with benefits, i started acting desperate and started trying to chase maybe. the times where i felt confident and good things were happening between him and i, i was telling myself i am attractive and that he is attracted to me. but the fear of other girls taking him away from me is still there
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 5, 2017 at 6:59 pm

check this one:
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 22, 2017 at 7:04 pm

well, you’re both young.. he can be fickle with his decision and opt for the easiest option at hand, so you can be right.. but did you mean what else in the advice above you should do? did you mean you’re already doing it now?

Jessica

May 7, 2017 at 2:10 pm

It’s been 9 months since the break up, we’ve been together 5 years. During the first 4 months, i kept getting mad about things he posted online because he said he wanted to be together but that’s not what i was seeing. Day by day he added more women, asking girls out, taking pics with other ladies at his new job and liking other girls pics. Each time it made me upset and started arguments because we were still kind of seeing each/ sleeping together. Eventually I stopped the arguments because he told me that if I did stop We could get back together. I did, a month went by I slept with him and that night he told me to move on and to get over him (this was about the 6th month into the break up). I begged and pleaded, said it was over. So I said I couldn’t be friends, A week later I texted him consistently while being nice he didn’t seem interested so I gave up and turn to NC (I’ve already done NC about twice before during that 6 months). So after I started the nc I finally heard from him a month later, because he saw my pic on a mutual friends page and I was liking pretty cute. Than he adds me on snapchat (like he’s keeping tabs on me)… I recently blocked him in snap… Now it’s been 9 months, I’m irritated because he told me to move on but still hits my phone up. He says thing she like he miss me but doesn’t show it, than when I get too close. He pushes hisself away and act uninterested, which pushes me away so I stop texting him. Than a few weeks go by, says he misses me and I fall into back into the cycle. We both are tired of the cycle, Ive tried letting go because I know he’s interested and has been sleeping with other women. Currently I’m in the friend zone, been there for the last two months and have been hanging out as friends… I’m scared that eventually he’ll find someone else. My heart will be shattered. Right now he’s not ready for a commitment, but I know he hates being alone.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 10, 2017 at 9:59 am

Hi jessica,

how many days did you do in both nc and how much did you improve? how active were you in posting? if you still want to try, do at least 45 days, and then dont be easy for him after that.. be the one to friendzone him.. let him do the work while you keep being an ungettable girl

Jessica

May 7, 2017 at 2:09 pm

It’s been 9 months since the break up, we’ve been together 5 years. During the first 4 months, i kept getting mad about things he posted online because he said he wanted to be together but that’s not what i was seeing. Day by day he added more women, asking girls out, taking pics with other ladies at his new job and liking other girls pics. Each time it made me upset and started arguments because we were still kind of seeing each/ sleeping together. Eventually I stopped the arguments because he told me that if I did stop We could get back together. I did, a month went by I slept with him and that night he told me to move on and to get over him (this was about the 6th month into the break up). I begged and pleaded, said it was over. So I said I couldn’t be friends, A week later I texted him consistently while being nice he didn’t seem interested so I gave up and turn to NC (I’ve already done NC about twice before during that 6 months). So after I started the nc I finally heard from him a month later, because he saw my pic on a mutual friends page and I was liking pretty cute. Than he adds me on snapchat (like he’s keeping tabs on me)… I recently blocked him in snap… Now it’s been 9 months, I’m irritated because he told me to move on but still hits my phone up. He says thing she like he miss me but doesn’t show it, than when I get too close. He pushes hisself away and act uninterested, which pushes me away so I stop texting him. Than a few weeks go by, says he misses me and I fall into back into the cycle. We both are tired of the cycle, Ive tried letting go because I know he’s interested and has been sleeping with other women. Currently I’m in the friend zone, been there for the last two months and have been hanging out as friends… I’m scared that eventually he’ll find someone else. My heart will be shattered. Right now he’s not ready for a commitment, but I know he hates being alone. What should I do now?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 10, 2017 at 10:00 am

Hi jessica,

how many days did you do in both nc and how much did you improve? how active were you in posting? if you still want to try, do at least 45 days, and then dont be easy for him after that.. be the one to friendzone him.. let him do the work while you keep being an ungettable girl

Sandy

May 4, 2017 at 4:55 pm

My ex boyfriend friendzoned me. He treats me like a friend 100% and still talks to me 24/7 like he used to. He still tells me he loves me every day but he wants other girls. Before we dated he had a really low self esteem and i made it go up. He used to be amazed he could date anyone like me and was crazy over me but when toles changes, he didnt want it anymore. He says he sees me more of a friend and the future is unknown. I want him back. Our relationship was great except he would overthink everything. Do you think he’ll come back with the nc and if i do exactly what this article says?

Sandy

May 4, 2017 at 4:56 pm

Role changed*
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 5, 2017 at 4:08 pm

it’s not a guarantee that it would work but it’s your best move to increase your chances.

sarah

May 3, 2017 at 5:44 pm

I friend zoned my exboyfriend who used to hate me and he said yes, I have feeling he doesn’t want that but he agreed, I want him to trust me back again and get comfortable with me. how can I achieve that, as my next step would be to get him back together with me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 3, 2017 at 8:15 pm

why not try the advice above?

MJ

April 21, 2017 at 8:42 pm

Where are the show notes for this? the plan for this caller? can’t find. thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 27, 2017 at 10:39 am

Hi Mj,
Oh, what Chris meant is he’s going to transcribe what he advised her.. The game plan is the transcript of the podcast

Jane

April 7, 2017 at 1:58 am

So I have a question. I’ve read all the books, articles videos but I am stuck. I used the no contact it only lasted 3 weeks before she reached out to me I should’ve ignored but I didn’t. We were talking connecting it was ok until she called me the other day we had a 3 hour conversation things seemed hopeful but she said for now she wanted to be friends. Stupidly I said I’d try cause things were going well. Then all a sudden she went days without talking to me so I sent a message that said I guess this is what “friends” do huh and that was a huge mistake! So now she says she doesn’t want to repair anything and that we are friends and only that. I told her I couldn’t and that I’m sorry I just can’t and her response was, “well if you can’t be my friend now then when you’re able don’t think that you can just be my friend cause I’m just going to not respond.” ?????then proceeds to tell me how selfish I am for not wanting to be friends ahhhhh help hat do I do now?????

Jane

April 7, 2017 at 2:05 am

I forgot to mention that she said I hurt her too bad to ever go back to a relationship but that it is very important that I stay in her life as her friend? Why? What does this mean?
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 9, 2017 at 4:27 pm

because she is trying to friendzone you..she doesn’t want to get back for now but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss talking or having someone to talking to you..restart nc and try the advice above..

Rachel

March 26, 2017 at 1:38 pm

My ex broke up with me about a year ago. Throughout the year, there have been times where I avoid talking to him and times when we have really fun conversations. We see each other pretty often because of mutual friends and I have been noticing lately that he has been more eager to make these plans. Also, he has been initiating most of our texting. However, I do think he is just looking to me as a friend right now. I haven’t tried asking him to do friend stuff except for coming with me to some hangouts with our friends. Trying to put him in the friendzone and going hot and cold have only helped me see that his interest is still there, but he hasn’t taken the next step to try to lock me down. Do you have any other suggestions to get him to that point?

Rachel

March 26, 2017 at 6:53 pm

Hey Amor,

I did no contact for a month a few weeks after the breakup and then again a few months after the breakup. Each time, he didn’t reach out during the period to even notice. Do you think now that he’s been reaching out more I should do no contact again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 28, 2017 at 2:07 pm

if he’s friendzoning you,yes..
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 26, 2017 at 6:07 pm

Hi Rachel,

have you tried nc, focusing in just improving yourself?

Alina

February 21, 2017 at 3:27 pm

Hallo, my case is this with the EXBf who has moved to an other country to live, and have said to have an aspiring girlfriend, lie or truth, and I’am in the one year NC (or maybe forever quit on this case). Ok so I have done the 45 day NC and wrote him that I wish him merry Christmas. He wrote back that he wishes me and my parents too and that he hopes we have happy holidays. I have said, yes we have and I hope you too. He don’t answer on this, it’s ok. I keep with my 1 year NC and I make good improvements…Last Week some things are going trough my mind: his Jerk behaviour during our “when he put me in the friendzone” .. when I have told him that a boy was asked me out on a date but he’s 4 years younger than me and want to hear his opinion about this, he only have said if I don’t try I don’t see how it is, and then he goes on with: He Date so many women and that they like him so much and that he told them one is not enough for him (he’s trying to make me jealous and give it to me “back” instead to try to get Me back and don’t show that/or if he’s jelaous of me and my “date”, but after 2 weeks he ask how was it on your date and he hopes good, smiley. I’ve only said hahaha thanks for your advice, you are a good friend…and then I was texting with him again in my unattractive manner, gnatting. And again I was told him that some guy wrote to me baby hello and that this ist so awkward, and then he: yeah, some guys acting like this (doesn’t show any jealously) then he have said: on the one day he finds the one girl beautiful and on the other day an other. He also told me that in the country where he is going to live, the women are so brutally beautiful, he said: “Do you know what there is walking around? You can daydream days about these women there”
so, I don’t know what his behaviour means. Is he over me? Did he try to make me jealous or that I see how desirable he is? Because this is hurting me a little bit now and I ask myself If I even want him back.
Do you think, these his comments are forgivable if he some day maybe wants me back or if they cross the line already?

Alina

March 10, 2017 at 7:39 pm

Ok, I will join the Facebook-group, there I can post my questions.. I don’t know if we even have a chance to get together, because since we know each other he have said about 12 times no no commitment and I should forget him…but we have had contact (writing) between these statements, so it weren’t that many…and in one of your articles it is written, if a man said over 10 times that he isn’t see you back together, he might mean it and you should give up…
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 14, 2017 at 4:28 pm

then approach it that way. A year os long enough for you and him to change.. we dont know how he is after a yeae but at that point, approach it like a restart..like he’s a stranger that you have a crush on and that you want to build rapport with.. If he still has the same mindset, move on..
Alina

February 27, 2017 at 2:28 pm

Hallo Amor, no, during our friendship/zone he doesn’t have said that he is going to be faithful or something. I meant: he have not make any promises to me, he had only keep me in the friendzone (I put him there too) and during our Friendship-with-the-ex,he raved about other women in general and said it to me. When we were texting, he have said how beautiful girls in general are (it’s about looks, and in that specific country). It makes me jealous. And then I was cheeky and asked him oh ok why you don’t commit with the girls in the past or now with whom you maybe are dating”? he have said boastful to me “one is not enough for him” one day he think this one good and the other day the other (want to show me that he is a playboy and desirable?)
Because of this all, I feel that I am jelaous, but don’t have the “right” to be, because he is single and only have kept me as a friend or his fan, it’s his right, but on the other side I feel that it isn’t ok that he said to me this because he knows that I like him.. I was for him totally in the friendzone after the split and I haven’t succes in make him chasing me again (Text gnatting, not be the ungettable girl-.- he was always there for me as a friend). It was a normal break up, no cheating…only that I think he wasn’t into me anymore. So, now I’m in the NC 1 year and my question was, what you think why he told me this about women, is he totally moved on or wanted to make me jealous and if he one day want me back if it’s forgivable what he have said…You helped me so much and I feel good in my nc, I will order the Exbf recovery pro
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2017 at 7:51 pm

Probably because of ego. He knows you like him, so he tries to make you jealous, (which is working) to rub his ego.. After a year, if he proves that he’s not like that anymore, then yes, give him a chance.
Alina

February 22, 2017 at 5:00 pm

This all he have said when I was in the friendzone for him, so I think I don’t have the “right” to be upset, but on the other hand it hurts me to hear that. Maybe he is completely over me and talked like with an friend, but I’m a woman, his EX. Would you write or it is ok to write to him after the one Year or should I just look if he contacts me first? I know he is usually a good and caring guy. I don’t want to look like an idiot who is always there for him. Thank you Amor
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2017 at 12:11 am

hmm.. correct me if I’m wrong. He said he’s going to prove to you that he’s going to be faithful while you’re friendzone? Then how did he prove it if he keeps being with other girls? You have the right to be upset if he keeps doing that because whether your friendzoned or not, if he really wanted to show to you that you’re the only, you should be the only one. After a year, many things could have happened, so yes, it’s ok to talk to him. By that time, you have to observe if he’s still the same as before..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2017 at 1:12 pm

Hi Alina,

for me, if he wants you back someday, he has to prove first that he’s going to be faithful to you

Carl

February 1, 2017 at 1:00 am

Oh, the other thing was that while he dumped me a week ago, he said he had been thinking about it for like 5 months or so but he couldn’t tell me… He said our personality didn’t really match fully as “I am kind of negative” so he would like to be friends. I wonder what that means? It makes me worried he will not want to get back together since he thought about it for so long. At the same time I feel like if I follow the steps, take it slow, give him some time and space, really WOW him with the new, positive me, maybe he would like to date again. But he left me once Do you think it’s possible?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 1, 2017 at 12:30 pm

Hi Carl,

I think there’s a chance, just be very active in improving yourself and have your own routine that you will maintain even if you live together.. check this one too:
EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

Carl

January 31, 2017 at 10:22 pm

My boyfriend of over a year recently dumped me (I am male) essentially because I was a little anxious, depressed and negative (I’m not anymore though). We live in different countries but only about half of the relationship was long distance (mostly towards the end). He told me last week via text he would like to be friends. Unfortunately for about two days or so I did the natural thing and apologised profusely and begged for him back. Now I realise that was stupid and eventually I agreed to be friends because I didn’t want to lose him all together. He had already bought flights to come to my country and study here and we had planned to live together. I told him we can still live together as friends. He is coming to about a month to stay for about 9-10 months. I thought when he comes it might be an opportunity to work on the relationship although he does not seem particularly interested (hence why I’m friend zoned).
I was not able to initiate no contact immediately because after the break up for a week I have been having to help him with his school applications and visas (I am trying not to be too accommodating and responsive). I am planning to initiate no contact (or at least very very minimal contact) now. According to what I’ve read he should start to miss me and also forget some of the negative feelings.
How do you recommend I proceed when we are living together because the circumstances are a little different from these guides? I do not want to seem needy and desperate anymore so I will try not to make myself too available. How else should I act since we will see each other everyday?
I’m also making a tonne of positive change before he gets here. I am going to get in my best shape ever and I told him I found a new, better job. I am thinking how I can make more positive changes again.
Do you think I have a chance at getting him back?
Sandy99

January 26, 2017 at 3:49 am

My ex left 2 months ago but we have seen each other like once every 2 weeks. Last time I asked him what he wants from me and he said he doesn’t know if he wants me long term or not but seeing me once in a while helps him? I told him I can’t be his friend. He texts me every day but lately I’ve been ignoring them…. we were together for 2 years and a half and we had a lot of ups and downs. He said he doesn’t want a relationship right now because he wants to be more focused on school and starting his career. I’m giving him his space but worry he might meet someone new if I keep ignoring him. Every time we hang out he’s very sweet to me, hugs me, sometimes kisses me on the head, I’m very confused but I really don’t want to get friend zoned:(

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 26, 2017 at 1:00 pm

Hi Sandy99,

you have to build rapport.. but you also have to set a limit and let go if it’s really not working

Jennie

November 26, 2016 at 2:28 pm

Hey. I’m 2 weeks into no contact, and I need some opinion on my situation.

We’ve been dating for 11 months, and we were in love. We were serious about each other, he has introduced me to his family, and his family have been very welcoming. He told me that he could see himself with me, and that if it wasn’t for the fact that I was only 20, he would love to get engaged to me (he’s 22 btw). Anyway, that was how serious he was about me.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, the week we broke up. I’ve realised that recently I’ve felt a little disconnected with him. It was the little things that made me unhappy. No more goodnight texts, his random calls started decreasing, and I felt like I as always the one initiating contact. It was tiring. I didn’t feel important anymore. I felt clingy, like I needed to put in effort just to get his attention. (But now that I think about it, I probably was getting a bit needy). Anyway, I addressed the issue to him, and him being the clueless guy that he is, was shocked to know I’ve been bottling up all these emotions. We talked it out, I asked him if I was asking too much, if I was being too needy. And he said no, he said it’s true that I have always been the one initiating our conversations lately. I asked him if he fell out of love with me, he said no. He told me he feels like he has so much on his plate, so much commitment, and he doesn’t know which to nurture. He said he wasn’t ready for this level yet. He said that there’s a reason to why he can’t deliver to me, and he wasn’t sure why. He said he’s at this point in his life where he’s not sure about anything anymore, and he’s not sure what his priorities are. He’s not giving me full commitment. We didn’t want to break up at first, but after talking (and with me crying hysterically) he said that we have to. That he needs space. I asked him if he’s sure about breaking up with me, and he said he’s not sure of anything at the moment, and he would probably regret it, but we needed this.

He wanted me to stay friends with him after that. And being desperate at the moment, that’s what I wanted too, initially. So after a few days of still texting each other, I realised that I couldn’t do this to myself. I don’t want to be his “safety net”, I don’t want to be friendzoned as he adjusts to life without me. So I decided that I needed to go No Contact. I needed the time off to heal myself, to get over the breakup. And a week into it, I did start to feel better. I’ve ignored one of his casual texts in that one week. Heck I even stayed away from Facebook, no posts, no social media, NOTHING. I just disappeared.
Now 2 weeks into NC, I’ve started to feel better about myself. I’m back on social media now that I have my emotions under control. A few days ago though, he texted me again around noon. It was another casual text asking me what I was doing, so I ignored it. Then in the evening the same day, he texted me again, asking if I was there. I’ve decided to reply a couple of hours later, coz I didn’t want to seem immature, just in case he had something important to tell me. He asked when I was free so he could return me my stuff. I told him I can’t meet up anytime soon because I’m busy this week. He said okay, and asked me to let him know when I’m free, and I left it at that. (some people might consider that breaking NC, but in my defense, I thought it through and I didn’t want to seem immature, and I kept my replies brief and strictly business)

I think he might be missing me. What I’m thinking about now is, in a couple of weeks, after my NC phase is done, what next? If I casual text him like how Brad has suggested (yes I’ve watched almost all his videos), what then? He replies back, and I reply back, we meet up once in a while, etc… I would put myself in the friendzone then. How long would that take? What if he likes having me in the friendzone, even after NC? Is it possible for him to accept life without being in an exclusive relationship with me by then? Yes, he might still miss me, but will he change his mind about us? Will he want to commit again? I want to know what the right mindset that I should have after NC.

Hope to hear from someone soon. xxx

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 28, 2016 at 11:29 am

HI Jennie,

how much did you improve? Aim to be the ungettable girl. Continue improving even after nc, and you have to build rapport through texts, then calls before meeting up.. YOu have to keep having your own life.. You need to be the interesting one.

Isabella

November 23, 2016 at 4:25 am

Hello Chris and Amor,

I posted earlier but I’m not sure where that post went so I am re-writing this in hopes I get a response from you!

I followed the “no contact” advice for more than 30 days. After completing no contact, I initiated contact with my ex and we later agreed to meet up for lunch. Everything went great during the meet up. We talked like we normally do except without any romantic stuff and flirting. We got to catch up on each others lives and I made sure to make it appear that I was improving myself as he was happy and surprised to hear what I’ve been up to. As the time went on, it became more apparent as to why we broke up. He is absolutely busy with work and I was surprised he was able to squeeze me in his schedule for a quick lunch.

During the lunch, we had an awkward silence which made me nervous and blurt out “Lets be friends!” He seemed to agree by nodding his head. I realized now that I just friendzoned my ex by accident! What should I do now? We haven’t talked since the meet up. But he did tell me to come visit him anytime since he does not have much free time outside of his work. Should I be hot and cold the next time I see him? I was not hot and cold during the first meet up. How often should I visit him? I’m thinking about only seeing him every couple weeks and only contact if he initiates. And in those couple of weeks, I will continue actively working on myself. I hope to hear from you! Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 25, 2016 at 6:23 pm

Hi Isabella

chill, you’re over thinking.. You’re not suppose to have a romantic date on the first meet..That’s ok.. You’re starting out as friends.. Just take it slow.. Build rapport first, always have fun but don’t be too available.. Continue having your own life

Lisa

November 23, 2016 at 1:41 am

If I do the no contact rule after being friendzoned and being in really good contact with him for 2 months, should i explain first that i have realized that i cant be friends with him or do i just dead on ignore him out of the blue? cause isn’t that going to be really weird and confusing for him?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 9:48 pm

Hi Lisa,
yes, sometimes, it’s better to say you need space but dont say youre doing the no contact rule

Alina

November 17, 2016 at 10:55 pm

Dear Amor and Chris, I am thankful for all help and information.
Your site is the most-put-effort site, so I come again to you here:) Sry for my English..
I want your opinion/advise on some things that are happening with us right now.

Three things here…Long-Distance, probably new GF, friendzone (mixed signal), we’re both 27, were together in a relationship in 2012 then at the end of 2012 broke up, have contacted since then, in 2013 dating again for 3 months (he was come up to me then), broke up, go on one date in 2015, since then we have contact like friends with flirt (no sleeping), we met in august this year when I put him in the fried zone and he was doing me a favour and helped me to move in a new apartment.
So, he moved to another country to live (I assume he will stay for 1 year, maybe more), he lives there 5 weeks already now. Before he moved, we have written with each other over the smartphone since June (build rapport, rarely a flirt, was more of a talk about several topics, we’re both very interested in history). I’ve put him in the friendzone-reverse. 1 week before he emigrate he asks me why I wrote much, Text Gnat, and that he thinks I want him so much (I’ve denied of course) and he said that it were better,to break the contact because he “can’t give me what I expect” (a serious relationship).Ok, so I don’t wrote to him anymore and said to him, don’t think only because we have contact, that I want you that much. After 21 days NC I contacted him, (we wrote of a total of 3 weeks when he was in the new country) the following was happen in these 3 weeks: I asked how he likes the new life, he have responded in a positive way every time, send me funny videos and we flirt a little. then I wrote to you,that I want to make a 1-year NC because of Long Distance and not to be seen as the friend, and to become the UG in his eyes again, but I failed with my NC, because when he wrote to me I respond-.-
At one morning he have send me a picture of him and a laughing smiley,I didn’t reply, then, in the evening, I think he had begun to wonder and he have send me a text message, wrote in it how I’m doing,in new language, was sweet, I respond to this and he asked me more personal questions this time like: about work and what I’m doing..(2 days we wrote so). The next day we didn’t wrote, then yes and then no (I keep it with the small pauses, maybe he thinks I want to manipulate him). Then we were writing about several topics and I wrote again too much, but he replies always, but shorter than my texts. Then I wrote with him like we were friends, (kept him in he friend zone), at the last Friday we wrote, then Saturday and Sunday we didn’t, and on Monday we wrote again small talk and then I’ve made a mistake: we wrote about a special type of women and I’ve said to him, hey you should try to go out with this type of women . He said that he have already dated some of this kind in his life before, but we continue talking on Monday in a friendly manner, I always wrote more. Then on Wednesday morning I send him a funny meme-picture, and he said haha that’s fancy, and then I’ve asked him about an opinion about history topic (I have send 10 text messages in a rhythm time from 20 minutes:/ and have said Sry if you are at work), he didn’t respond to this and later this day he had wrote: “we can’t continue writing with each other, next minute: I have an initiating Girlfriend, one doesn’t do that, next minute: Take care of yourself, next min: you can certainly understand”
I don’t think that this is true that he has a initiating GF. After this information The following was happening in a 5-hour time frame: because of this I write to him: ah ok, I don’t believe you, because we wrote to each other, and he insists on his claim and explaining, he reminded me that I had once said that I don’t want wo hear any women stories from his past, and because of this, he come up with this now. When I insisted on I don’t believe, he said it’s true it’s true, she the woman, “stayed overnight” and on the “next morning he had thought that it is time to write to all women, that he want to give a try (GF). I can not believe that, because it sounds like he want to find a legitimate reason to break the contact with me because of gnatting or because he wants to start a life there and in the future new Emden and because of the manner he told me this, you can realize that he explains too much and so it couldn’t be real. But let’s say maybe its a GF.

We continued keep writing (discussing) in the middle of that time he deleted my number) and he have said: “it has nothing to do with you. Adieu, I wish you the best, good look, health and everything”. I wanted to show him that I’m strong and wrote I wish you good look too, and he: “and don’t think so much “. I don’t beg but I’ve told him after that I missed him and he insisted again on his woman-story and have said again he couldn’t tell me this earlier because he knows how “important it were to me, that he don’t tell me such stories from past”. I’ve said it’s ok for me because we were “nothing more than friends”, and he wrote: what you want to hear? After this, I didn’t reply anything. Maybe one would say this is kindergarden… What you think about this all and his behavior? Should I test the waters in 30 days if he is in a rel.ship or should I make the NC for one year (but have fear of loosing him).

Alina

December 1, 2016 at 12:42 pm

Thank you! I’m torn in between. I decide on Christmas if I write. When I more reflect it maybe makes no sense to greet him, because when he have his birthday, I could have write to him too,or on Easter..he could just think again that I run after him and that I’m weak. maybe it’s a better that he feels that he is loosing me…really, If you were in my situation would you write?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 1, 2016 at 12:45 pm

I think I would greet him on Christmas, but that would be it.. I would ignore the next occasions.
Alina

November 30, 2016 at 4:48 pm

Hallo Amor! Thank you for your help and sorry for gnatting! I will do my best to eliminate this in future but have one last question. Even if I make the one year NC, it is ok, to write to my exboyfriend on Christmas only, “I just want to wish you merry Christmas”? exactly 45 days NC.
I came up with this idea, because maybee we had a bad break up (lie or truth that he have a initiating GF, because I think of my gnatting) and a negative connotation of such a contact-breakup could be in the back in my ex boyfriends mind and because of that it can be that he doesn’t contacts me first in the one year. Better to be on good terms and pave him the way that he contacts me first..but on the other side when I don’t write anything he could thing I’m upset and that I walked away and that he could have lost me forever because men want what they can’t have and because of that he will contact me. What is the best “drive” him to contact me? And he always responds..What is the best? -.-
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 30, 2016 at 10:29 pm

it’s ok, you can ask anytime! 🙂 I think, you should just make that your year ender. Go ahead greet him and that’s it.. If you have a small talk after that then good, but after that, start your one year nc.. set aside thinking about your first contact text after one year for now, because it’s too far ahead.
Alina

November 23, 2016 at 8:00 pm

I don’t know if it’s true even if I more think that it’s not, and I ask myself if it is more cruel that he lied to me, because he saw this as the only reason to break Contact, or if its more cruel that he gets a GF in our build rapport time! I’m so angry at him, and I don’t know now if I want him back in the 1y, because on the one side I can see this as some sort of cheating and on the other side I think, I don’t have the right to think so, bc we weren’t together. do you think so? I feel so fooled in some way
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 26, 2016 at 12:13 pm

if you’re not together, he has the right to date somebody else.
Alina

November 21, 2016 at 7:19 pm

I understand what you mean and I think yes Iam loosing him already, thought that the best could be take the risk to not contact him for a year to show him that I’m not needy, because what options I have..do you think that he was so bugged and annoyed because of me, that he could only tell me the lie with an initiating GF?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 23, 2016 at 3:56 pm

It’s hard to say that it’s a lie.. It can be , can be not but it doesnt matter nownif he is lying if you are going to do a 1 year nc
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 20, 2016 at 12:00 pm

Hi Alina,

to be honest, I dont think 30 days will help change the situation. You’re just going back and forth..yeah, you would risk losing him if you go nc for 1 year but aren’t you losing him already? He’s already pushing you away now..

Lisa

November 7, 2016 at 3:00 pm

Hi Amor,
My ex boyfriend and i were together for 3 years and he broke up with me about 4 months ago.
He said he didn’t love me “in that way” anymore. soon afterwards (3 days later to be exact) he jumped into a rebound relationship that lasted around 2 months and during that time i tried doing the no contact (after i told him i missed him etc). It didn’t really work out though.. i did stay away most of the time but once in a while he sended me texts about important stuff and we always ended up having short convo’s afterwards. Once he came to pick up his stuff (he lived with me) he told me that he appreciates me and always wants to be there for me and actually in others words he told me that he wanted to be friends. I used that moment to tell him that I wasn’t ready and didn’t want any contact at all. He understood, but you could tell that he was hurt. So i ended up doing the NC for 2 weeks because I heard from his mother that she thought that he was starting to miss me and i just couldn’t pull through any longer (what i now know that i shouldn’t have done). So i contacted him and we very quickly became very close again (he also broke up with his rebounder). we saw each other every day and did the things we used to do when we were together without the romantic stuff. I went on vacation for a month and we skyped every day etc etc. sometimes it felt like we were really just friends and sometimes it felt like it was more. He really gave mixed signals, so guessed he just didn’t know what he wanted yet. So now, 2 months after being “friends” with him again, i found out yesterday he has a f*ckbuddy or a bootycaller or whatever you call that and obviously got really upset. And thats when he told me that he cares about me allot and didn’t want to hurt me and loose me as a friend. And that is also when he told me that it would have been way easier but he still doesn’t have feelings for me in that way anymore. And that really confused me because there were certainly moments where I could tell that he did. So now i’m doubting to to a 45 days NC or to do a reverse friendzone and just start dating others.. to be honest I really really really don’t want to do the NC I feel like he is going to get used to it and forget about me this time.. but i’m also not sure if the reverse friendzone will have any effect now.. HELP! I need some (detailed) advice!

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 9:44 pm

Hi Lisa,

you’ve only done it one time and only two weeks, so it’s not a pattern for you yet.. Why not try to agree that it’s not the right time and then do 45 days and date others

Staci

November 3, 2016 at 2:41 am

Hi,
I’m going through a rough time right now and would love some advice. My ex and I worked together about 10 years ago, we liked eachother than but the timing was off as we were both in relationships. He ended up making his girlfriend at the time and had two kids together. They were married for about 6 years then she took the kids and left him. Luckily the courts have him full custody of the kids, so he got them back.
A little over 2 years ago we reconnected through Facebook. We met up and had an instant connection. Our relationship progressed really fast…. Maybe too fast. We feel deeply in love, and his kids and I grew to love eachother as well(we have a very strong bond). The problem was he has fears of me hurting him and leaving him like his ex wife did….on top of his fears there was a lot of dreams between his ex wife/new boyfriend and him. Lot of court cases, cps calls, restraining orders etc. Throughout all that are connection grew, but the more are connection grew the more fear he had. We talked about eventually, down the road getting married and everything. One day a woman in the grocery store came up to us and said how she could see how much we loved eachother and how we should get married(strange right? We didn’t even know her). I jokingly pressured him and was like yea when are you gonna marry me. Which he responded I will but your just gonna end up leaving me… Again always bringing his fears and insecurities from his past into our relationship.
After that I saw a change in him. He was alot more distant with me. He used to be so sweet and loving and always initiating everything but that stopped. I confronted him which he then said he couldn’t give me what he wants, he doesn’t know if he ever wants to get married again. So he broke things off with me after a little over a year. That was really hard for me, after a few weeks we started talking again, but we weren’t back together. I guess if you had to label it, it was friends with benefits. Which I didn’t mind bc everything felt as if we were back together minus the label, plus I still got to spend time with the kids as well(they play a major role bc I fell in love with them as if they were my own).
After the breakup I became really insecure, which brought about jealousy(I never had that when we were dating). The jealousy caused him to back off again. Which made me feel even more insecure and so I tried to pull him back in.
Move forward to a few months ago he bought me a present(randomly bc he was thinking about me he said), also he brought up marriage(which he hadnt done since we broke up). There was also a moment on the couch when we were watching a movie with the kids where I could see from the corner of my eye him looking at me which made me turn my head and look back at him and we just gazed into eachothers eyes and he then started caressing my face. Everything felt right again, it felt like we were headed back into the right direction. Well a week later I feel he’s being distant again and I call him out and he says he’s talking to someone else(within one week? How do you go from talking about marriage to seeing someone else within a week?)
Needless to say my self esteem hit rock bottom. I did everything you’re not suppose to do. I became needy, jealous, stalked his and her Facebook pages, I became a real turn off to him to the point where he blocked me on Facebook. He didn’t speak to me for a little bit(fortunately that relationship only last about a month if that, unfortunately they work together so who knows if they still talk now). He did come back after but my neediness and insecurities were too heightened and be couldn’t take it. I even became a text gnat, he ended up blocking me from text messages as well…it’s like he hates me now. I had lunch with his mom and she let me come over to see the kids after school(she watches them while he’s at work) and he found out and threatened a restraining order. He apologized after he found out I was invited over, but still I’ve never seen him that angry especially towards me….
I did the no contact for almost two months, I did email him(I think I’m still blocked through text messages sadly) to ask if I could drop Halloween candy off for the kids. He actually replied to the email and said he was too busy but that he would let the kids know I was thinking of them and he said thanks. But haven’t heard from him since.
Is all hope lost of ever having him back in my life? I miss him and the kids so much and I love them dearly. The thought of never seeing them all again hurts me. It’s like 3 holes in my heart. I feel like I’m missing me other half, my best friend. Did I ruin things for good?
Sorry for such a long message just so lost right now.

Staci

November 5, 2016 at 12:34 am

Thanks for the reply. It was probably too soon to see if I could drop candy off to the kids because we would end up seeing eachother. I don’t want to lose him and the kids and there’s a lot of history there. I guess I was wondering if you think there’s a chance he will eventually want me back in his life, or even if there’s something I can do to increase my chances?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 6, 2016 at 3:51 pm

He has to think that you’ve moved on.. Lay low for now again..If you didnt improve yourself during the past two months then you have to start doing that and then take it slow. there’s a small chance and for it to happen, you have to look like you’ve moved on improved so, that you can get out of the chaser position
Staci

November 4, 2016 at 11:06 pm

Maybe it was too soon to ask to bring candy to his house for the kids bc it’s too soon for him to see me. I feel like there’s too much history between him and his kids and I. I know I begged and became needy which ultimately pushed him away for good. I’m just wondering if there’s a way I can turn things around? Is there any hope that he will ever miss me and want me back in my life or did I really mess things for good?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 4, 2016 at 9:50 pm

Hi Staci,

There were a lot of errors because in the first place, he broke up with you because he doesn’t want commitment and then you agreed to be friends with benefits and then you chased him, so of course, the effort to send gifts to his children was chasing in his eyes too. He has to be sure that you’ve moved on first. Yes, you did two months of no contact, but do you really look like you’ve moved on or starting to move on if he sees you?

Anonymous

October 27, 2016 at 11:37 pm

Hi Chris,

I have been reading your articles lately in order to get my exboyfriend back. But I am not sure under which category of article I fall into. I really really want to have him back and I would really be thankful to you my whole life, if you could help me getting him back.

We were in 8 year long relationship. Since my parents didnt agreed to our marriage, I got married to some other guy but we were in constant communication. After 2 years of unsucessful marriage, I took divorce. But then, since my exboyfriend’s family was not supporting us getting married, we stopped talking to each other for about 3 months. He is in relationship with someother girl. Npw since last 6 months or so, we have been texting each other randomly, sometime daily for 4-5 days and then just stopped and then again for 4-5 days and so on. One important thing to mention here is I was the one to start the conversation every time. During most of this texting, we have been talking about casual day to day life routine for 5 mins, thats it.

I am afraid that I might have lost him forever. Please please help me. I really want him back.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 29, 2016 at 1:24 am

Hi Anonymous,

I wish we can guarantee that you will certainly get him back, but we can’t. I have to ask a lot of questions. He has gf now, and he talks to you, but it’s not really sweet? It’s just basic info what he does? How far are you from each other? Is it long distance? If he sees you now, would he be attracted? Would he think you’re much better than the one he knew before? Does he love his current gf?

Ella

October 27, 2016 at 10:58 am

Hi Chris! Greetings from Norway 🙂 I love your book, videos and podcasts, I think I listenened to it all and read all in three weeks, and now I listen to it again 🙂 I am still insecure about what I should do – no contact for 4 days, tease and no contact, or a three week NC? Me and my x were together for almost 3 years – and he ended it 6 weeks ago because we were disagreeing alot (I did all the things I shouldn’t, text-gnat, jealuos, controlling – because I have been insecure about myself, low self-esteem). the problem is: the last year he has been working so much (he got a new job, the dreamjob – works out of town 3-5 days a week, and also sleeps there since it’s so far away) that we have only had opportunity to meet up one night a week – sometimes the whole day or two nights during the week the last year. We live separate, and so the last year we almost got used to not being together if you know what I meen. We almost didn’t communicate when he was at work because he was in meetings almost all the time (from 8 inthe morning till between 8 and 10 in the evening). So now after he broke up with me, he made it clear that he cares for me, that I am the prettiest and sexiest girl he knows, that he admires me and supports me. And he wants to be friends. And we are. I have never been friends with any of my boyfriends, but with him yes. Since we broke up we have been on one roadtrip, three times at the movies, we watched a couple of movies at his place and the last three times we watched a tv-series and ate dinner on saturdaynight. We unfortunately had sex twice (the first week after), but I have dodged it since then even if I also want it. The problem is he has two of my animals, which I am not allowed to have where I live now, so every week I have to go there and feed them (while he is away) – so we “have to” be in contact, to work out when I have to go there since he leaves town at different times. And because of my worksituation I can not go home for christmas (my parent lives over 600 miles away) so eighter it is christmas alone or with his family (I always went home – but this year I can’t, and I don’t want to be alone for christmas) – so what should I do? no contact? what about my animals? christmas? We have a good tone with each other, so no arguing when we meet. We haven’t said anything negative to each other since the breakup. He saw a guy liking many of my fb-statuses and text me about it, obviously jealous. But I don’t really know this guy, just have him on my list. I ignored his text a few times the last week and when I talk to him or we meet he asks why I don’t answer. He text me 3-5 days a week, “have a good day, how’s work, what was that fb-status about?”, always ends with a smilyface and seems genuinly interested. Any tips? And yes, we communicate 90% over text. (Call if there are a lot of details and snapchat a little). The last year I “worked with myself” and got rid of my bad habits towards him such as nagging, accusing him for looking at girls and such, my mood is also better – but since we live such a separate life he hasn’t seen it completely (he says that he sees I am different and he appreciate it, and he loves when I am happy), but since we meet just every now and then he can’t seem to shake off our previous history of fighting, because it got totally out of hand. (he thinks that it is because we meet so rarely I am so nice to him, but I really have worked with myself and I am in a different, better place now). To be honest, this is a great man (he lends me money when I need it, worth several hundred dollars, pays for my meal when we are out, pays for my cats food and picks me up when I am out drinking with my girlfriends, and he sincerely is my nr 1 fan in everything I do) but at the end of the day – maybe we aren’t ment to be together, and if not then fine. But I can’t let him go because we argued alot when reality is that we actually don’t argue anymore. So I want to try, just to be sure. this is the only man I have been with that I didn’t choose because of looks, but because he made me feel like a million dollars. And I am 30 years old, he is a couple years older, so I don’t want to waste time, but if we work it out, I want him to be the father of my kids in a couple of years. And if not, I don’t want to waste more time. Sorry for the long message, I just love your program and trust it to work 😉 Keep up the good work 🙂

ps: we made an agreement not to tell people about the breakup, so we are still a couple on facebook. I told my bestfriends but only because I needed someone to lean on. he hasn’t told anyone. So going on dates and such are off the table…

Ella

October 30, 2016 at 10:40 pm

oh and one more thing – I started NC today – and he sends me text saying what he’s doing today and asks if I want to come and watch a show on tv with him tomorrow, it’s a show from a streamingservice like netflix, and a new episode came out today, a series we are watching together. Should I answer something at all/ignore? He sends these kinds of texts 1-3 times a week. With different questions, watch a series, a movie, go see a footballgame, go shopping, cafe and so on.. I’m guessing these text are not “good enough” to be positive texts? I thonk this situation is so hard because of this… I don’t know how to handle it..
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 31, 2016 at 9:17 pm

HI Ella,

it’s very good that you’ve started improving yourself for a year now and it should really be for yourself. They are positive texts but right now, it just looks like you’re really friendzoned. And if he still has feelings for you, that can be the reason why he’s not committing because you’re just there..

Since you’ve had a routine already, I think it would be better if you inform him that you’re taking time and space for yourself because you’re moving on.. You’re going to stay civil with him of course but it’s just that being friends is not working out with you.. and then continue nc.
Ella

October 30, 2016 at 2:05 am

Hi Amor, and thanks for replying. The animals will work out – I am awaiting now if I get a new job (will know within 4 weeks), and if I do the bank will give me a loan big enough to buy my own place and move my animals there. He said they could be there (I didn’t ask – he just told me while we were talking about something else), and he is never home when I am there with them. I go and feed them and such while he is at work in another city. But he has to tell me when to go there (he texts it, I don’t reply), this way I don’t need to break up the animals home. Right now it’s eighter this solution or they have to go to shelter. So I though await job, and if I don’t get it – look for new apartment where I am allowed to have them while I still rent.

The last year I changed like this: taking things more lightly, if he don’t respond right away he’s probably busy (before I would bombard him with messages and accusing him of this and that..), I try to do things on my own or ask other people then him for help, I fix everything with the animals myself without involving him. I try to see what I have in life instead of what I don’t have. I just have become more independent + more happy. Before I was often cranky. Now I don’t bother. Cry it out and try to smile and think happy thoughs again. and it works. he said that he likes that I don’t nag him about this and that. And I feel genuinly more happy. But this change was only for my self. I was tired of being angry/jealous/sad.

After he broke up 6 weeks ago here are my new changes: Talking to the bank about getting a loan to buy a home. I have signed up for an 8 week workout and eatingplan (lost 2.1kg the last two weeks), I saw a skincareexpert (don’t really have issues but just to get the right products for my skin), I cut my hair, I also hang out more with friends and plan my weeks every monday (exersice, food, hangout with friends ..), and as late as today I planned with a guyfriend that we would go to the shootingrange. I post on facebook and he has noticed, he likes every post -and noticed a guy who likes everything I post (I don’t know this guy but hey – my ex sent me a text asking me if I have been alot with this guy. And I haven’t been at all actually, but it bothers my ex without a doubt). But since we’re still together on fb I don’t want to do anything stupid (go on date etc). I feel sick just thinking about it. He genuinly just writes me nice texts, somewhere between neutral and positive. And he writes me to ask how my day is going, if it was fun doing that, if my back is ok (I wrote for tips on facebook). But not texts where it says he miss me, or hate me. Just normal text as he would when we were dating, always with a smilyface at the end. I know he is watching my facebookpage like a madman, he never payed much attention to all my statuses before.

If you want me to go to NC, for how long? We are supposed to go to the same birthday 17th november, to my girl-friend. Is that ok? Or should she uninvite him? The last weeks he sent text first 90% of the time and I didn’t answer all his questions, which has had him really annoyed. He asked me why and I just blew him off without answering.

Thank you so much Amor ♡ I am in desperate need for your help! I am thinking of reading the whole PRO again within the NC, and I listen to the podcasts over and over to motivate myself 🙂

PS: The guy I dated before my ex has started writing to me on facebook, private. Just normal chatting now and then, maybe a little flirting, he can absolutley give me my confidence back 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2016 at 10:45 pm

Hi Ella,

if it doesn’t work out, what do you with the cats? Because if you’re going to send them to your parents while you haven’t have a place they can stay, then do it now. Not because it’s probably not going to work out with him, but because that’s the right thing to do and it’s to avoid making him think you’re using the cats to see him.

It looks like you’re friends with benefits too but it’s good that you’re not going to sleep with him again. If you’re relationship now is better than when you were together then that’s another reason why he doesn’t want to go back together, because if he can get all the benefits without committing, why would he commit? When you said you change, did you mean you have your own life? Do you go out more? Are you far from the person he broke up with? are you active in posting your activities in social media?

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