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Ally
May 21, 2017 at 7:47 am
Hello, thank you for this great article.
My boyfriend and I have dated for 8 years – 1 long distance, and then 7 living together after I moved interstate to be with him. About 3 years ago we had a very stressful period (both lost our jobs, money was horrendously tight) and we started to build distance between ourselves, emotionally and in terms of physical affection.
It was a bit of a rubber band situation, I would pull away he would come back, he would pull away, I would come back.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he said he wanted to break up – we talked for a while and decided to try counselling to regain our ‘spark’ as he felt we were more like roomates (as he said, ‘leave no stone unturned’). Counselling didn’t help unfortunately as he kept talking about the relationship obtusely “something has to improve” and “I don’t know if I want to stay or leave”.
After a couple of sessions I was doing my best trying to instigate intimacy again – hugging him hello and goodbye, snuggling up in bed or on the couch – but he kept pulling away or saying it felt ‘wrong’. In the end he broke up with me again, and then promptly started acting exactly the same – and yes, it did feel like he was a roommate. It sucks and I feel really empty, unloved and unwanted. I’m heartbroken, not only because I’ve left my partner, but also my future we planned, my two dogs and it looks like my home as I’ve been considering moving back home interstate. He has mentioned that he wants me to stay in town as ‘he’ll probably regret [the breakup]’ and told me he loves me and is sorry.
My question (sorry, so long) is whether I should make the move to move out quickly (either to a share house here in this city, or back interstate), or if I should ask him to move, or try to stay here and make it work to win him back. He’s going to stay at our place for at least the short term, I’m not sure where he plans to live after that.
Ally
May 23, 2017 at 12:29 am
Well, it turns out that he doesn’t want me to move out in the short term – he told me to stay to save some money and that he believes we can get along amicably. We’re splitting our belongings between the main and spare bedrooms and we’ve both been keeping out of each other’s way. So far he’s been friendly and I’ve been doing the modified NC – he initiates all conversations, I’m friendly and upbeat but short with ending the conversations. I feel like because of this I’ve gotten some of my power and happiness back, I’ve stopped feeling so devastated and can concentrate on improving my mental and physical wellbeing.
Ideally I would love for us to stay together in the house and get back together romantically. I’m not going to tread water waiting for it to happen though, and have started researching plans for moving back home in a few months and started to list some unneeded possessions on Ebay and similar to declutter my life. I guess after a few days of soul searching I realised that I have to stop worrying about what HE thinks and just do what’s right for me right now.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 22, 2017 at 7:33 pm
if you dont get back together, what happens? and if you move out and get back together, are you moving in together again right away?
Tina
May 16, 2017 at 8:52 pm
I need to ask a simple question….
Me and My Ex are still living together and neither of us has talked about moving out…Yet!
We have mutual associates like the corner store guy who is always asking me “Am I still with that guy I see you with all the time?” During this NC…If someone, who admire me, ask am I still in a relationship with my Ex.
What do I say?…knowing it will get back to my Ex, and me wanting to get back with my ex?
And what if I hear from these same people if he said we have broke up?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 18, 2017 at 6:23 pm
haven’t you? you’re just living together but not together right?
Mia
April 20, 2017 at 9:29 am
My ex and I were together 2.5 years and lived together for the majority of that. We had a very rough time recently and he decided enough was enough. I feel he didn’t give me the opportunity to work together with him to try to improve things. He is now looking at apartments to move to on his own, leaving behind myself and our pets. As we are currently still living together I feel the remaining time we have left is crucial but I simply don’t know how to act. I’ve been polite and fairly breezy and friendly and kept conversations to a minimum. But I know I will struggle as time goes on as the break up is very fresh. I feel ever so upset and he was also incredibly upset when he ended it too but he’s adamant he wants to leave. I don’t know how to act. I don’t want him to see me be a sobbing mess round the house and I also don’t want to spend all the time avoiding each other. I simply don’t know what to do or how to act and feel a wrong move could cause things to go very sour.
IVY
April 7, 2017 at 7:20 pm
Hi. I am starting to apply NC rule with my on and off boyfriend of whom I really wanted to get back with. He broke up with me because our relationship went shit. Last night when I haven’t started NC rule, I slept with him and we had a nice chat. The first time when I started doing NC was right after he came back from work today, I have made a mistake treated him cold with short answer and I have got a negative replied from him sarcastically saying “what a nice a conversation I had with you”. I apologised to him and he said he has no time for talking right now, and then he went out to pick up a girl to her house. I don’t know what should I do now? It’s the first time / moment of me trying NC rule. HELP!! :'(
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 10, 2017 at 3:08 pm
you have to restart the count and not initiate nor reply to his messages too
Nicole
March 20, 2017 at 4:23 pm
My situation is complicated from everyone I have asked advice from. My boyfriend broke up with me almost 2 months ago. we had gotten in a agrument over something very stupid he was acting very strange and i asked if he just didn’t want to be with me then he flipped out and said yes and no then said no and broke up with me. we have been together for 2 years we had another breakup 7 months ago and got back together after 2 months. We still sleep in the same bed and and cuddle at night. we hold hands and i kiss him once in a while. we still visit m family together but don’t really hang out outside of that. I am very confused as to what he wants because we still do couple things once in a while. I told him that i miss him and he said he misses m too. he also says he wants to be with me but he’s just scared we are going to go back to arguing all the time if we get back together right now. he says he needs to know that things will be different before we/if we get back together. He says he wants to be together but he’s just not 100% about us yet and until that happens he =s not going to do something that he thinks won’t work. so for now he doesn’t want to be together, The entire situation is just so confusing. we haven’t made love since this has happened neither one of us are talking to anyone else. I asked him if he thinks we will get back together and he says he doesn’t know and that he can’t answer that. But at the end of the day i think he will know what he wants. He says he wants to stop talking about us and our relationship and i know that needs to happen. Our lease is up in 7 months this can’t keep being like this for 7 months. eveythime i ask him to just be with me and trust me he says we will see or maybe. Im not sure what to believe or think by all of this. What should i Do? Or think?
Will we get back together
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 24, 2017 at 8:55 pm
Hi Nicole,
stop giving him the benefits of being in a relationship or reciprocating his actions and try the advice above..
Sarah
February 22, 2017 at 2:55 pm
My boyfriend that I was living with and I got into it three days ago as I want to move closer to home when our lease is up and he is refusing to even consider it. Home is 10 hours away and this is my first year far away from home (I moved for his job) and it’s been really hard for me. He won’t even look at jobs closer so we at least have the option. I think what I’m asking is very reasonable based on the circumstances.
He walked out after grabbing some clothes and is staying with a co-worker. I’ve made plans to leave our apartment and go back home and stay with a friend (10 hours away) next week for a whole month – can’t leave now as I have a work meeting in town next week.
QUESTION: should I break no contact and tell him I’ll be leaving town/our apartment? I’m sure he’d appreciate knowing he can come back and it may de-escalate the situation by preventing him from making plans to come get his furniture. I didn’t beg, whine, etc. as he was walking out and I haven’t talked or heard from him since. Although, I know he is thinking about me 1) because we lived together and he is currently sleeping on a couch somewhere so of course he is and 2) he posted a sappy quote on social media about not being sad that it’s over but happy that it happened. ALTERNATIVELY, If I don’t break no contact to tell him I’m leaving, I can “nudge” him to reach out eventually by simply posting on social media that I’m back home which would likely make him reach out. Although, I feel this would completely shock him to find out that way. Or is that what I should be going for?? Thanks!
Sarah
April 5, 2017 at 10:11 pm
Should I do 30 days of no contact after last speaking to him? Or, because I only talked to him about the lease/movers should inbe contacting him now?
It’s been 2 weeks since we last talked.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 7, 2017 at 6:45 pm
you don’t have to restart the count because you only talked about the lease
Sarah
March 21, 2017 at 7:42 pm
Hi there,
So while I was back home with my friend, I decided that I should just move back and rented an apartment. I have such a support network down here, it just makes more sense. I arranged for movers to come and for my stuff to be shipped. I have talked to my ex BUT ONLY to discuss our lease, which we have terminated, and movers. I have been driving all these conversations, proposing we terminate the lease, telling him I hired movers. The movers came today and all my stuff is officially out of our former apartment which, to my knowledge, my ex is still living in.
I’m about to continue with no contact as I think it will be good to let it sink in with him now that the apartment is pretty much empty. Also so I can start focusing on me as up until now, I’ve been primarily focused on finding a place to live.
I now have second thoughts about leasing a place in our hometown, 10 hours away, but with all my friends and family here, it made the most sense. My question is, does this make the situation much worse putting that much space between us? I feel like I went all out but at the same time was doing what was best for me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 25, 2017 at 12:04 pm
you feel right, because it’s the right decision. if he really wants to get back with you later on both if you will make it work
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 23, 2017 at 12:00 am
HI Sarah,
yes ,you can tell him.. It’s not breaking the no contact rule. It’s like exchanging important items that can’t wait until after nc.
Kat
February 13, 2017 at 4:55 pm
Hi Chris, I’ve read the article, but I don’t know how to use that for myself. I’m still living with my ex after he broke up with me nearly 2 months ago. We had a lot of fights about things that were mainly caused by me having jealousy and trust isuess due to another previous relationship where I was lied to and cheated on. My ex told me he has fallen out of love with me, but he still cares about me and wants to be sure I’m okay. NC is almost impossible and there’s not much room in our house for each of us to retreat and be alone, except the bedrooms. I don’t know if there are any flip-flop emotions or not.
Kat
February 13, 2017 at 4:58 pm
I was thinking about asking my manager at work if I can have more evening shifts. I work in a restaurant and shifts can easily last until 11pm or later. My ex works a 9-5 job, so I’d be coming home when he has already gone to bed and wouldn’t have to see or talk to him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 14, 2017 at 4:28 pm
Hi Kat,
are you going to move out? other than more work, go out more. Be with friends, join a class, be with family, go to the park and read, run. Be productive and active in improving yourself.
April
January 30, 2017 at 2:48 am
Me and my ex were together for 2 years. We have been broken up for about 3 weeks. And I have done the no contact for about 25 days. We currently still live together and live in separate rooms, we have opposite schedules so we have not seen each other since the day we broke up. Ive done really well with avoiding him and making sure I don’t run into him at all. Til today. I walked pass him, No words of exchange i just smiled and continued on. we broke up after I told him I wasn’t happy with myself and wanted to go to Cali for 3 months to get a breather and it has nothing to do with him. He was fine with it at first then said if I did go we would breakup so I told him that it isn’t worth it. After that he started being weird the whole month of december being distant. So I called him out on it and he said he needed to focus on himself and that the only way he can do that is by being single cause he has been unhappy with himself which he has discussed with me before. It took us about a full week to actually break up cause he kept going back and forth about it wanting to be single and be with me but yet I read his messages to his friends saying that he didn’t know how to tell me he wanted to be single (after he told me he wanted to work on us) and that I was controlling and he was not sexually attracted to me. That stung me so bad that i ended it cause I was done with the back and forth. We have had a good relationship so everything he was telling his friend was a suprise to me. While breaking it off he told me that he is falling out of love with me and that we were growing apart which was hard for me to believe because everything with us was good til i brought up the whole leaving to Cali. After the 30 day no contact how would I go about contacting him? Or is all hope lost. I just feel like everything is broken and beyond repair so is it even worth it?
April
February 1, 2017 at 9:56 pm
How would I go about building rapport? Should I start by texting him? Then talking to him when I see him around the house?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 2, 2017 at 6:20 pm
since you live together, it would be weird to start out with texts.. start slowly by being more nice in tone, in words, in actions.. you dont have to strike a conversation right ahead..just be more positive, calm..like if he asks, answer in calm tone and if you can friendly tone
April
February 1, 2017 at 3:17 am
No I started no contact when we broke up. And yes I have I’ve been focusing on myself working out, working saving money to get a condo when our lease is up, applying for a new position in my job. Hanging with friends. All that good stuff. Not sure when I should ask him to hangout.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 1, 2017 at 2:41 pm
that’s good..keep improving yourself while building rapport. Build rapport amd attraction first before proceeding to hang outs
April
January 30, 2017 at 2:51 am
And also while we were breaking up he still wanted to be friends with me but I told him I have lost all love and respect for him that we could never be friends.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 30, 2017 at 3:08 pm
Hi April,
you started nc before the break up? are you active in improving yourself?
Heather
January 26, 2017 at 8:12 pm
Hey, so my boyfriend and I have lived together for a year now. I am 5 months pregnant with his son, and have helped raise his daughters the entire time we have been together. He suddenly after a fight decided he needed a break. I told him I don’t do breaks, I know what that means, sleeping around etc. and he apologized and begged me not to leave. Well things still weren’t right. Two days later we called it quits. He blames me, says if I gave him the break he needed he wouldn’t be in this situation. However I don’t necessarily think that is true. He wants me and my kids to move out. We have a lot of items in joint names etc. We were perfect rarely fought, but were under a lot of stress because his ex wife and the house we live in is a disaster and we were planning on moving and buying a house. This was all a shock to me. They were my family and I miss who he was and those little girls. I did beg and went off the deep end after we made things final. It was pretty bad. I have started the NC however I do still have to discuss bills and my plans to move etc. When we talk he is extremely short and seems very angry with me. I don’t know what to do, or why he has done this to me. I am confused and lost. Help?
Heather
January 28, 2017 at 9:17 pm
Yes he said he assumed it was over for good because I won’t chase him, and he is trying to justify the break up by talking badly about me to his family, however won’t admit it to me and wants me to keep my phone in his name and to keep his car. I move into my new house friday.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 29, 2017 at 10:26 am
that’s not healthy.. I personallybdont advice going back to that kind of person but if you really want to try, do at least 30 days if no contact rule..
Heather
January 26, 2017 at 8:15 pm
OH, and one last thing, when he stated if we took a break, we wouldn’t have split he made the comment how me saying I won’t chase him or beg (before I did, which is why I tried chasing and begged) was why he assumed we weren’t getting back together. When I did text him good night and good morning, he would respond and it was very short though
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 27, 2017 at 11:13 am
Hi Heather,
so he wants you to continue begging? have you moved out?
Jess
December 6, 2016 at 7:49 pm
Hi Chris
Okay so i was with my bf for 5 years when he broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. He said he needs to find himself and hes not if this is what he wants for his future and he wants to go and live his life with no regrets. We are both 24 yeats old and have been very good friends since we were both 13 although only romantically connecte when we were about 19.
I also thinki was too needy and jealous and clingy in the relationship always relying on him for happiness not spending time on my own or with friends very much. I have only realsied this now.
When we first broke up i left the house we live in together and have been stayig at my parents since. During the first week i text and called him and we also met up once. During the meet up i had read the website by thus stage so i have stopped begging etc and i was very happy. He was sad trying not to cry. Saying he wish i realised all of this sooner. Saying maybe one day we will find each other. Then he dropped me home. He text goodnight and thats been it since i have not responded or contacted him. Its been 3days proper NC tho ive been out of the house for 10days. I will be going back to the house we live in this week as can no longer stay where i am. That will make 5 full days Nc. He is planning on moving to a new town 3 months from now. In that time we will live together. However do i continue NC as much as possible? As we are very good friends and use to being friends since thats how we were for years b4 our relationship we have already said we will stay best friends. He is very friendly and kind toward me. We have separate rooms to sleep in and i am going to try only be home to eat and sleep etc. Do i still NC for about 30days? I know he is going to ask me to go to the beach and other things like that. Do i ignore this and say i have plans?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 10, 2016 at 6:51 pm
HI Jess,
if you don’t get back together, are you still going to live together in the new town?
And why are you going to live together?
Laetitia
November 20, 2016 at 2:20 pm
Hey !!
I am a 20 y.o female student, living with 4 other guy classmates. After two years of living together, I got closer to one of them who was initiatially a great friend of mine. We started watching movies, hanging out… He then invited me to his hometown to meet his parents, we slept together, it was my first time.A few days after that I found out he cheated on me and I told him that we were done. He said it was a pitty, we were good together, denied the cheating… And the moment I started giving it a second tought, he said we weren’t technically together so eaven if it happened, it wouldn’t be cheating. We settled on guetting a break, and I did no contact. One month went by, meanwhile he got a sexfriend and fell in love with her.. Seems like she’s no looking for anything serious, as a relationship. (did my spying). I am still very distant from him, he invited me for dinner, movies.. I always reply by thanks but I got plans. I feel bad about the fact I lost my virginity to someone who didn’t care that much about me, tough he really did at first, once the deed was done, he just faded of. And then he fell for a girl who slept with half guys at college, that I cannot understand. To be a bit** or not, that’s the question!
I am more attractive that this girl, nicer and smarter, but she just has that x factor I lack.
I personally think this guy just wants me back for sex.. But why me when he can get it elsewhere? He is a very smart and handsome, and I think his ego took a hit when I didn’t beg him to take me back at first, he might’ve expected that since he was my first.
I Really need your advice, I am completly lost and have no idea on how to dial with the matter from now on! Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 22, 2016 at 8:41 pm
Hi Laetitia,
did you mean how to move on from him? Just keep saying no and start a new routine. Do new things and make nee friends.. He probably just asks you because you’re the latest ex and if he knows you lost your virginity to him, then he might be thinking you would have a hard time saying no to him
Laetitia
November 20, 2016 at 2:19 pm
Hey 🙂
I am a 20 y.o female student, living with 4 other guy classmates. After two years of living together, I got closer to one of them who was initiatially a great friend of mine. We started watching movies, hanging out… He then invited me to his hometown to meet his parents, we slept together, it was my first time.A few days after that I found out he cheated on me and I told him that we were done. He said it was a pitty, we were good together, denied the cheating… And the moment I started giving it a second tought, he said we weren’t technically together so eaven if it happened, it wouldn’t be cheating. We settled on guetting a break, and I did no contact. One month went by, meanwhile he got a sexfriend and fell in love with her.. Seems like she’s no looking for anything serious, as a relationship. (did my spying). I am still very distant from him, he invited me for dinner, movies.. I always reply by thanks but I got plans. I feel bad about the fact I lost my virginity to someone who didn’t care that much about me, tough he really did at first, once the deed was done, he just faded of. And then he fell for a girl who slept with half guys at college, that I cannot understand. To be a bit** or not, that’s the question!
I am more attractive that this girl, nicer and smarter, but she just has that x factor I lack.
I personally think this guy just wants me back for sex.. But why me when he can get it elsewhere? He is a very smart and handsome, and I think his ego took a hit when I didn’t beg him to take me back at first, he might’ve expected that since he was my first.
I Really need your advice, I am completly lost and have no idea on how to dial with the matter from now on! Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 22, 2016 at 8:41 pm
Hi Laetitia,
did you mean how to move on from him? Just keep saying no and start a new routine. Do new things and make nee friends.. He probably just asks you because you’re the latest ex and if he knows you lost your virginity to him, then he might be thinking you would have a hard time saying no to him
Norah Cage
November 19, 2016 at 8:57 pm
My boyfriend recently broke up with me after a year of a relationship and nearly 4 years of friendship. We started living together nearly 3 months ago and the first couple months were great, then I began to feel that he was unresponsive to me or my needs, I would support him constantly in his activities and hobbies and do little things for him but I began to get frustrated that he wasn’t doing the same for me. We started to fight more and then one day I told him the usual “I love you” and he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and hasn’t been for a month, he doesn’t want a relationship and has been feeling trapped. He said he still deeply cares about me and loves me but isn’t in love with me and will always be there for me. We were both crying all night about it trying to make it work but I knew that he wasn’t happy so he broke up with me then., he kept telling me I was going to be okay because I am very strong and was still wanting to buy my the christmas present he was going to give me because his stuff already came on my end. He says he wants to be friends because firstly he was my best friend and he is going to stay at his parents house to make me feel comfortable and grieve. We are living together until our lease ends. My heart is broken, I wish I could fix things but I can’t and I really want him back.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 22, 2016 at 5:17 pm
Hi Norah
when is he going back in your place? Do you want to try the advice above?
Anxious Anonymous
November 17, 2016 at 10:01 am
Technically me and my partner are still together. We live together and we have children. We are at the end of the line and he has decided to move out… but we’re still together. .. confusing I know. I think it’s supposed to just make things easy whilst he’s here especially for the children. When he does move out I’m 90% sure the relationship will end. Do I start MC now or wait until he moves out? Do I need to break up with him to start MC? I’ve noticed if I’m having a bad day and naturally not wanting cuddles and kisses etc he comes to me for affection and even asks me if I love him whilst cuddling me in bed (I’m as far over the other side as i can get facing the other way, he comes to me). If I’m happy and positive he’s horrible and cold. If I did start MC now whilst we’re still together I know he would become more cuddly, do I tell him no?
Basically
1. can I do MC whilst still in a relationship and living with him?
2. If I did do MC and he became cuddly how do I tell him no? Or should I just let him cuddle me seen as we’re technically together?
Anxious Anonymous
November 18, 2016 at 8:45 am
Thank you for your advice Amor. It sounds scary talking to him about it but I’ll give it a go. I’m a little worried it might sap out any closeness we have left. Like I said I’ll give it a go. How long would you recommend doing MC for in this case?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 20, 2016 at 5:13 pm
You’re welcome! At least 30 days
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 17, 2016 at 4:47 pm
You dont have to break up with him, you. You have to talk to him though, that you need space to start healing and being intimate with him makes you uncomfortable knowing the eminent separation, and that you hope he understands.. And then start the mc
sam
November 10, 2016 at 2:36 am
I literally read all 300+ pages of ExBF Recovery Pro before commenting..so I am truly hoping to gain some clarity.
BF and I are technically still together. We have had a lot of ups and downs. He used to want to get married and have children, but more recently said he is not sure he wants either anymore (but then made a comment two days prior about “our children…”).
It has been 4.5 years, and we have lived together for 4 (yes, I know, I gave up my power too soon). He has helped me grow enormously both emotionally and financially but I know I still have work to do. On the flip side, he has always compartmentalized everything and rarely showed emotion. Within the last few years, I have really tapped into a deep level of suppressed emotion (not good ones) and it has been a struggle for him to cope with…typically manifesting in fear about commitment, fear about the future, fear about happiness.
The real issues started about two years ago. I began to resent him because he would hint toward commitment and marriage and then I would push him too quickly and it would make him run away (i.e. get a job, get on your feet, and we will make moves toward the next step. As soon as I got both I was nagging – not okay, I get it now). I was left feeling hopeless and worthless, which turned into anger and resentment.
I get that I am not flawless in this and my built up frustrations created frustrations in him. My doubt in him created his doubt in me…etc, etc…the cycle is endless.
Within the last year and a few months, we literally go two bad months for every one good month – it’s like we can’t get over the hump and stay there. We fight to get back to common ground and being able to be supportive without judgement.
His biggest complaint and desire is just “to be happy.” He is out of town for the next week and a half. I blew up at him while he was out of town this last weekend and basically told him he can’t wish for happy and not work for it, I needed him to be all in or not at all (again, I know, NOT the method that works. I am very emotionally charged and tend to catastrophize everything).
At the end of that convo, he said he wanted it, he loved me, and he couldn’t wait to come back home and see me. Fast forward to today – I haven’t seen him but he has become progressively colder. Turns out he stopped home and was not happy with the condition of the home (I am gone > 12 hours a day and we have a third roommate). After probing him he said he doesn’t think we have grown together and he is not sure we are going in the right direction. He “can’t live like this the rest of his life.”
TL;DR: I am operating on hope and faith right now because I truly believe he is the one for me. I CAN see a life with him…and I truly think/know he wants it too. We wouldn’t still be here if there wasn’t a deep love and respect for each other. I don’t think it is about me waiting for him to change his mind, it’s about him seeing all the good we did have and could have.
1 – how do I proceed with NC when we are technically still together but at the end of the rope? I do not initiate any of these conversations, and I do not respond to texts…I just tend to take it too far once he calls 🙁
2 – I DID gain weight, not a lot, but enough to make a difference…so I joined a gym and am taking care of myself again. Getting my hair cut/colored while he is gone. Started putting makeup on again every day. Working toward that UG status (I was there when I met him and our relationship has been best when I am at the status and I know it).
Any recommendations how else to proceed?
3 – We have only been intimate about once a month for the last 6-8 months and it kills me. He truly has a lower sex drive, but it is important to me. When is it appropriate to start and try the seduce him process? Do I wait until we are back to “normal?”
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 13, 2016 at 4:09 pm
Hi Sam,
just be civil and polite with him and yes, don’t initiate conversations and don’t respond to text if it’s convesational like how are you. If he’s asking something like the his stuff, you can answer that. Remember that improving yourself is not a step now, it’s going to be a lifestyle. You have to maintain it whether your relationship with him works out or not. About the intimacy, it would be better to work on that once things are back to normal. You don’t want to be his booty call.
Sara
November 1, 2016 at 4:36 pm
Hi,
It has been a month since my ex boyfriend broke up with me, and we currently still live in the same house. We had been together for a year before that, and we had a wonderful time. Of course, we had our ups and downs, but who doesn’t. Throughout our time together he was the one I knew I could trust with anything, he was always there for me and he was always so willing to talk about our future. He even brought up the topic of marriage, kids and pets after week three of being with me, and we opened up a savings account. I was staying in Norway for the summer as that is where I am from, and he came to visit me. The day before he had to go back home he ordered a new set of plane tickets so he could come and visit me again before the summer was over, because he said he didn’t want to be without me. He has met all my friends and family, and they all loved him. And I have the same, in relation to his friends and family. I just don’t understand how this could all blow up in the course of a week or so where he decided it wasn’t working after all.
We had just come back from a holiday together when he asked for a break, and then three days later he said it wasn’t working anymore. He wanted to concentrate on himself and figure out who he is. I guess it’s because we are young and he wants to explore all his options, but I of course don’t agree with his decision.
The first week after the breakup I was 100% sure I could manage to get him back, as he seemed to be unsure about his decision. For example, he kept saying he has probably made a mistake, he told me his friends all thought he was an idiot for leaving me, etc. Even just a couple of days ago a mutual friend told me how he had told her that he always thought I’d be his wife, as he thought I was special, and that he was devastated when he realised it wouldn’t work. However, throughout these four weeks I’ve probably done everything I shouldn’t do when trying to get someone back, including texting and begging (a lot). He now gets angry whenever I mention it, and I am writing this after a big argument we just had, that ended with him saying I’m driving him crazy and he wants to move out. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with depression, and I am pretty sure this breakup has brought some of it back. I have therefor narrowed some of my current behaviour down to that.
I was told by a mutual friend that he slept with someone else less than a week after our breakup, but I still want him back. Right now I am being hot and cold with him, where I’ll either try to be as friendly and casual as I can, I’ll ignore him or we’ll have another fight. I’ve tried the NC rule, but haven’t been successful with keeping it going for more than a couple of days. I’m guessing a big part of trying to get your ex back is knowing when enough is enough. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I still love him and I’m not ready to let it go. Although him telling me to drop it, that he doesn’t want a relationship anymore, he doesn’t want to give me false hope, and he doesn’t want to get back together [ever], are maybe some clues I need to listen to? I’m just wondering if my boat has sailed and if I’d be better off with trying to forget him, as best as I can even though we still live together? My ultimate goal is of course to get him back, and be happy together, but I realise now that I am more likely to control the weather than I am to control him.
Thank you for any advice.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 2, 2016 at 7:03 pm
Hi Sara,
if you really want to try..fighting with him is not going to help you.. other than moving out and moving on..no contact is the only other better option you have
Christina
October 16, 2016 at 9:19 pm
So my ex boyfriend broke up with my about 3 weeks ago. Currently, we still live together and our lease is not up until the end of December. We had a 2 year relationship and I’m not sure what to do at this point. I would love to do the no contact, but since we still live together I see him everyday. He’s been giving me mixed signals since the reason he ended it was because “he wants to do what he wants when he wants.” He told me he no longer wanted the responsibility of a relationship and got scared when marriage was being brought up in conversations. He said he isn’t looking for anyone else, but just wants me to be happy. He is planning to move out, but it’s difficult to know that he is leaving. The other night he asked if I was seeing someone and I told him no because I’m not ready for that yet and I think he was relived and he also wanted us to have sex again. I said no, that night, but we did have sex once after the break up. I’m trying not to do things like cooking for two and just taking care of both our laundry, but it’s hard to adjust. I would just like him to be mine again.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 18, 2016 at 12:10 pm
Hi Christina,
what about the advice above, do you want to try it?
Enisa
October 10, 2016 at 7:29 pm
My child’s father and I have been together for over 6 years. We have a 5 year old and a 1 year old together. He broke up with me 3 1/2 weeks ago because he couldn’t take my crazy behind anymore. Prior to this craziness, 3 months ago, he broke up with me because he said we couldn’t resolve our issues. Shortly after, I found out he was having a fling with co worker. I moved out with the kids and 2 weeks later he said he wanted his family back and he had made a huge mistake. I forgave him and moved back home. The next month and a half was all me questioning his every move and acting like a crazy person because the trust was gone. He got fed up with it and here we are. We still live together and we do things that a couple would do other than call each other sweet names and tell each other I love you. He also sleeps on the couch. He tells me he doesn’t know if he wants to be done for good or if he wants to give us another try and he needs time to figure this out. I love him with all my heart and I truly believe he made a mistake 3 months ago and I also realize that I shouldn’t have acted crazy… I don’t want to lose him for good and have my family torn apart. Please help me. How can I get him to give us another chance?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 11:39 am
Hi Enisa,
shouldn’t he be the one asking if he can have another chance? What’s your plan? Is anybody moving out? if not, then are you going to do the no contact rule?
Sara
October 5, 2016 at 12:28 pm
Hello.
I posted a comment on a different thread and was redirect to thud one. We got together a year ago when we moved into the same student house, and we have now just moved into our second place together (with two other roommates). He broke up with me a week ago, saying he’s not looking for a relationship right now… I think he wants to catch up with his friends who he sort of sacrificed for our relationship last year, but I’m trying to make him understand that we can still be together. I must admit I don’t really know how to handle this as we live in the same house. In the very beginning of our break up he was quite cold and setting boudaries everywhere but yesterday it felt like we were flirting a bit… he says he still loves me and that “feelings don’t change over night”. Our mutual friend, and roommate, told me that while I was out yesterday he asked her if he has made a mistake when it comes to leaving me. And he told me all his friends think he’s being an idiot… I just don’t know what to do because he seemed to respond quite positively to my pushiness yesterday, but I don’t know if that’s just because he was surprised or if he actually enjoyed it. I’m peppering my roommates with questions on how to best get him back, but I doubt they know.
Thank you for any help you can give me.
Sara
October 7, 2016 at 9:31 pm
I wasn’t able to make the podcast play 🙁 but I must admit I’m worried a no contact rule will make him think I’m angry with him, considering that’s why he wanted to end it in the first place. When explaining why he wanted a breakup he said he felt he was walking on eggshells if he came home late, and he wants to be selfish right now and just think about himself (his words, not mine), because he doesn’t think it’s fair to me if he can only give me 20% rather than 100%. He has asked for time and space so I will try to give him that. I figured that if I can be a happy girl around him then he might remember his love for me? I just don’t know if his “I don’t know what I want right now” is something he’d prefer to tell me rather than “I don’t love you anymore, so please leave me alone”, or if he actually means what he’s saying and just needs some time to think. Would it be enough to follow the no contact rule for a couple of weeks or is it all or nothing? I’d like to give him all the time he feels he needs, and although he said “don’t wait for me, it might take a long time” I don’t want to give up. I just feel we could fix it if he gave us a chance. What if I give him space for a couple of weeks and then try again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2016 at 12:30 pm
You have to be happy in all aspects and especially when you’re not with him, because he might think that you’re just trying to convey that when he’s around.. so, the only way he’ll be convinced is if you genuinely change.. Most of the time, they actually mean what they say, no other meaning behind it..
If you want, message him before doing the no contact.. tell him you understand him now, you see what he’s been pointing out about you and you’re taking time to heal and improve yourself for yourself.. so, that means you’ll need space from him too but when you’re ready to be friends again, you’ll reach out..
and then do 30 days of no contact..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 2:23 pm
HI Sara,
Thank you for going here! So, did you listen to podcast above? Do you want to try what’s advised? Do you want to do the no contact rule?
Nel
September 24, 2016 at 1:19 am
Hi,
I am 26 years old and I’m living with my ex whose 27. Tonight he told me (again) that he no longer wants to be with me. He told me a few days ago that he wanted me to move out and that he’s only staying for the apartment because it’s close to the gym and we love it. I can’t afford to leave- nor do I want to.
To summarize- we have been together for 1.5 years and have lived together for 6 months. He’s broken up with me previously for the same reasons as he has now. Says that he has to manage my emotions, that I’m a full time job, that I don’t listen to him, that I play mind games to get emotional reactions out of him. He said that he has wasted 1.5 years with me and that although he loves me, that he does not want me anymore.
I’ve been going to a psychologist and have been working on my emotional dependency and impulsive reactions based on my emotions, but he told me tonight that he doesn’t want someone whose sorting their shit- he wants someone that’s already sorted.
He’s right- I have depended on him for y own emotional stability.
He had agreed to stay official with me until the end of my uni placement (social work), so I don’t freak out and fail but tonight he took all of that away.
He also told me that he’s severing all emotional ties with me so that means he can date if he wants to.
He told me he’s not doing this to hurt me, but because he needs to do it for himself- said that he’s sick of basing his decisions on my needs, that he’s sick of being under someone else’s thumb.
Throughout the relationship he has warned me to treat him better- ie stop depending on him to make me feel better but I didn’t listen. If he didn’t fulfill my emotional needs, I would lie to get a reaction out of him that validated me. Partly because he would say things like ‘I’m no longer invested in you, I want someone better’ etc.
This all sounds so negative, and he would agree- he said he hasn’t got a good solid time period to look back on that was positive. He said I manipulated him to stay and to move in together. I didn’t. I just love him!
I love this man. I know I have fucked up. I know that I have changes I need to do. I am doing them. But has told me that he no longer wants a relationship. But that if I hadn’t of ruined it, that we would be building our lives together and planning holidays together right now. Hearing him tell me that hurts so much.
He told me that if there is ever a chance for us, it will be years from now. 🙁
We have had great times. During the period when he said he would fake our relationship so I could finish my studies, we had an amazing week. I was attentive, kind, generous and he went from being stone cold to so affectionate and loving. We had such a good week . Then he came home from work one night and told me not to touch him. The next day he told me he felt too guilty faking the union and that it’s over.
Please please help me. I want him back. I love him dearly. He’s a good man and I have to try.
🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 24, 2016 at 5:20 pm
Hi Nel,
I think it would be best if you move out because being with him and being in that place is not healthy for you anymore. Any friends or relatives you could move in with in the mean time? If you can’t, then you have to go out more. No matter what we say to you, if you don’t initiate in helping yourself and making the environment easier for you to help yourself, then you won’t have better chances.