What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

125 thoughts on “EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend”

Drea

September 12, 2016 at 9:15 pm

Posted this on another topic but I am thinking that the question should have been asked on this forum instead. I have lived with my now ex boyfriend for 1 1/2 years and we have been together almost 2 1/2 years. My ex and I had a fight around 4 weeks ago. There were things that were said on my part that really pushed my ex away. He became cold and distant and I knew what I said was wrong and not ok. I had bottled all of my feelings up and it all came out at once. He hadn’t show me affection, stopped doing things with me and I became very insecure. I tried to show him and tell him that what I said wasn’t how I really felt but nothing worked. He and I got in another argument this past weekend and he basically told me he couldn’t believe how I acted that day in the previous fight. I finally said if I’m that bad then maybe we shouldn’t be together. We live together so I told him to let me know when he wanted to move out. He left for a while and came back and I asked him if he wanted to fix the relationship and he said he didn’t know but he thinks hes done. I said ok and walked away and proceeded to do what girls do when they go through a break up (crying, wanting to be left alone and so forth). He insisted that I go to a concert that I had promised to go to with a friend and I did. I got home from the concert with a note on my pillow saying that he hoped I had a good night and that he was looking forward to talking to me the next day but for that time he was going to bed and signed with I love you. The next morning I was still feeling really crappy. He said we would take it day by day and I asked if he though maybe we could work on it and he said I don’t know. The rest of the day he was nice and kind to me. We went to bed in separate beds and he came in during the night to lay with me (I didn’t ask for him to do so, he just did it.) This morning it felt more like we were friends and not exes. I just want to make this all right but I don’t know how to do the no contact when I live with him. I have texted him a couple times today. He said he was looking forward to seeing me this evening. I asked him another question regarding some house thing and he answered. Mostly I would like to get him back. I am not sure what to do to fix this even though I caused it. HELP!

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 3:04 pm

Hi Drea,

I don’t think you should do no contact.. He already said he’s willing to work it out and to just take it day by day.. why not try that first?

Alexandra

June 19, 2016 at 7:17 pm

Long story short… My bf broke up with me because he thinks we have a communication problem, we have an on/off relationship, this is the 2nd time he breaks up with me. We’re living together for 9 months and we’ve been together for one year and a half. For how long should I do NC? 14 days because we’re roomates or longer because of the on/off relationship?

Alexandra

June 23, 2016 at 3:46 pm

Ok, so I think I did a few mistakes during my NC… The way I handle it while living together is not answering his calls or messages during day and not to make to much conversation home… last weekend I slept at a friend and my ex got very upset because I didn’t tell him and I wasn’t answering the phone. Right now I’m living on his visa in his country, Israel, and he’s responsible for me… Which makes my NC pretty hard to handle. Also one night a friend came to pick me up from home to go outside to meet some friends and my ex was upset when he saw his car outside. Then he had a discussion with me telling that as long as I’m living in his house and on his visa I’m his responsibility and he doesn’t want to see guys waiting me or not letting him know that I’m sleeping somewhere else… What do I do? I feel like I made him super angry and there’s no chance to get him back…
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 4:43 pm

Do you still live in the same house? If he initiates a conversation, then listen to him.. let him finish talking.

If he’s not initiating but he’s in a very good mood, then you can break nc and talk to him.. But the key is that he is in the best mood.. Because if he is not and you push talking to him, it will probably not have a good result.

Rebecca

June 18, 2016 at 9:49 pm

Hi Chris. First off, id like to tell you I appreciate your article. My situation is so complex. We live together and he broke up with me. He has no job no license and he watches our son all day. I am basically taking care of him. He blames me for all our problems and he is very double standard. And we have major cultural and religious differences. Hes always telling me what i think and feel and hes so wrong! I’m not even sure I want this to work anymore, but I wish he would realize all I do for him and he would appreciate me. How do I exercise the NC rule if we have a kid and he needs my help to get places and has to use my phone as his contact for jobs? He says he is leaving once he gets some money to leave but he needs a job first. I really needed him to get a job and help here because I cannot afford everythimg. It’s very stressful. This situation is very hard. We fight a lot. He snaps at me a lot. I get very defensive when he blames me and accuses me of things I’d never do and he DOES. What should I do to make him respect me and appreciate/love me again? He used to be very different. It’s very complicated because we have a son and financial complicatons.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 10:22 pm

Hi Rebecca,

you can only control yourself, so take control of yourself.. don’t engage in a fight.. when he starts it, be more emotiinally mature by staying calm and if you can’t stay calm, stay silent. And then say everything in a calm tone..

only talk to him about important matters and go out more with your son only.. try to improve yourself by reading, contnuing on your hobbies and go out more to meer new people

Mary

November 6, 2015 at 4:01 am

Hey Chris,
my ex and I were together for almost 5 years. Before we officially broke up he told me he had some doubts about us after he got a promotion and started thinking about marriage (really just think he freaked out). While he agreed to give us another shot at first, I felt like he just gave up. A year ago we broke up and then he continued to live with me for 4 more months. During that time I tried following your rules but it was before the article about living together was posted. I know I did everything wrong back then, we were intimate, I begged to stay and told him I loved him and blah, blah, blah. After the last time we were intimate I told him I couldn’t handle him living there anymore and told him it was time to leave. Now, that was 9 months ago and I haven’t talked to him, the last text was even sent by him. I know there used to be a post about getting your boyfriend back after a year, but I can’t find it. I want start talking to him (and get him back obviously), but I don’t know how to do it. He still has a bunch of stuff here BTW.
Rebecca

July 20, 2015 at 3:12 pm

Hi Chris,
My live in BF broke up with me over a month ago. We were together for 1.5 years. Living together, pre-break up, over 1 year. He said our relationship was too intense and he needed to take care of some important personal matters/baggage first. That he needed to just date around and that if we weren’t living together we would still be dating. He admitted that he had fostered the intensity of our relationship, but that he couldn’t right now. When I have my own place, he would like to date me. We live in a tiny NYC apartment. I avoided all physical contact and was mean for a couple weeks. We went out as friends/roommates and had sex. Later that week, he had a second date with a woman. Spent consecutive nights with her. I watched his walk of shame. It was torture. A week later, she left on a month long vacation whom is essentially his new girlfriend as they are in contact a lot daily. He’s been on dates with others. Since she’s left we’ve gone out together, he’s admitted how much he loves me, wants me to find a good man, wants to tell me about this woman and others. I told him that I don’t want to know about the others. We’ve gone out a few times and have had sex. Most recently, he told a woman how I was the best and how he’s in-love with me and how he probably messed it up. Truth is Chris, his facts for breaking up haven’t changed. He wants some “alone” time. About that, we are both divorced. However, his is fresh and mine is about 5 years ago. I went through what he’s going through and get it. He calls me his best friend and that he never wants to lose me.
Since the break up, I should’ve kept no contact. But I started believing that we weren’t ever getting back together and that I would move on entirely. So it couldn’t hurt. Yes, I was in denial. Yet now I realize I’m still in love with him. He flip flops and says that he hopes we can be together again in the future. Blah blah. So now what do I do? I’m interviewing for new jobs so that I can move out. And focusing on starting a new career. I get he wants some space from creating the future/marriage/kids we had discussed. I partially don’t mind waiting…however, I am dating now too. I think I have a fair chance of winning him back. Help!
Sarah

July 4, 2015 at 3:57 pm

Hi,
I’ve been looking at your website today, things have been low lately for me and my partner of 7years, I found out recently that he developed feelings for a girl at his work, there was evidence something wasn’t right prior to him telling me so naturally I became clingy and scared. as upset as I was I tried to speak to him calmy and understand. Despite that he told me everything was okay (before I found out he has feelings for another and I just had a feeling from some things I’d seen and the way he acted) but now he has told me the truth and told me there is nothing with her but he has basically given up on us despite all he said and despite saying he loves me and always will tonight. I gave him the whole day to get away from it all and try to come to grips with his feelings as he didnt know anymore he said part of him cant be bothered, i don’t feel he is in the right headspace to make a rational decision bout us. He decided to resign from his job (extreme anger here, he hated the job since day one but stayed at it) and go back to where is family is (top of North island) but he can’t go until next Thursday, I’m lost what to do, I worry that he’ll pack up his car and go then it will hit him that maybe he didn’t want to give up after all. Because we own everything together obviously I don’t want to divide it all up for him to realise he made a mistake. I’m hurt by what he did but I know we are great couple, I know I sometimes make him feel soffocated but if he spoke to me about these issues prior to letting it build up I could have made the changes needed. Do I suggest that he Flys north for a week first? It’s hard because I don’t want to drag this out if he doesn’t want us, but I don’t understand how he can laugh and joke and be fine with me to this point of just giving up. He is 30 in October and I don’t know if he is freaking our about commitment such a marriage, I know I mentioned it recently but after 7years it’s only natural. What do you recommend is the best option? Thanks

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:57 pm

Did he ever go as far as cheating on you?

Natalie

July 4, 2015 at 3:40 am

Hey Chris, I could not view your episode from my Android phone. I need help/advice desperately. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 34, we met online I lived on the east coast and he lives on the west coast, and eventually I moved in with him and his family to be closer together. I currently do not have a job so he supports me. We have been living together for 6 months. We have fights a lot about little things, we just broke up and I love him so much I can’t picture our lives any different, I moved away from my family and friends that are not supportive of us. I am new to this state and don’t have any new friends or family that is here. Most of my days I sit at home doing whatever I can for entertainment. He says he can’t be with me. We had talked about me going back to my old home on the east coast. I know a lot of it is my fault. I already made a mistake of crying and begging. He has gone through a lot in his past, also has a lot of responsibility right now. What should I do?

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:59 pm

Really?

UGH. I will have to talk to my designer about that.

Milly

June 16, 2015 at 2:48 pm

Hi Chris,

Thank you for all of your advice, i am in a kind of similar situation to Amy. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we were very happy together and had been living with each for only a month or so. We had a few arguments and i had insecurities because of my past with my ex but he always understood, however the other day i was disrepectful infront of his family when drunk and he split up with me right there and then.

He was very angry at how i spoke to his family but i was drunk and didnt mean it. I have told him i will get help with my issues about my past and i wont drink anymore but he just doesnt want to know. His family really liked me but now they are saying we arent right for each other and i have issues, i think they are impacting on his decision more.

I live with him and i have nowhere else to go, should i take the same tacitcs as above? do the mini NC rule? i might be able to stay at a friends for a few days too. he has been very flip flop and said its over and no chance then saying he needs a week to think about it then the next day saying its over for good and then he needs a week to think about it. im giving him the week of space with no messaging because he is acting very flip flop but it seems he is swaying more to not taking me back as he has said it twice now? does he just need time to calm down? i have already started to implement the changes to my life with dealing with my issues, should i tell him i have?

Thanks, Milly
Laura

May 30, 2015 at 8:22 pm

Hi Chris!
First of all, I want to thank you for being very positive and never judge anyone, is so nice to listen to someone that doesnt judge and validates the good actions (that are so hard to achieve) during a break up.
My question is: how do you deal with an exboyfriend who has problem verbalizing his emotions?.
He is replying positive to everyone of your tips.
I´ve done NC, texting, call, date….my story is just like Ashley´s.
thanks!
Samantha A.

May 17, 2015 at 10:36 pm

Hi Chris,

My ex broke up with me yesterday. We live together and we’ve had some serious ups and downs. I can’t move out until the 1st. He says he’s just not happy anymore and needs to find himself. He says he can’t be in a relationship because he needs to make time for himself. He’s told me he loves me to death, but just can’t. We’ve been together for almost 2 years. We have two dogs and I’ll be taking one. He wants to continue play dates and what not. We just got back from a vacation a few days ago and everything seemed fine. We got into a fight over this girl he was talking to…then everything kind of spiraled out. Do you think I have a chance to get him back regardless of him saying he can’t, needs this and wants to focus on himself? He keeps trying to talk to me today like things are fine (not saying babe or baby though), and it’s just odd. He thinks we’ve worn through all of our chances, but when we’re good we’re amazing. What do I do? Do I stand a chance?

Regards,
Samantha

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 6:42 pm

I think NC is the way to go here.

nam

May 16, 2015 at 7:07 am

HI CHRIS
i have been together with my ex for 4 years before we break up we have gone in to a fight almost every week. i am the one who start the fight. we also live together. last 3 day he come up to me and say he have cheated on me and he felling in love with her and he want to break up with me. it really hurt. I know i am the one who pushing him away from me. it been 3 day past he is totally different. it like he don’t wanna see me don’t wanna talk don’t wanna touch me he act like we don’t know each other . and it rly hurt because we live together. i wanted to know if i still have chance to get him back to me? i really do love him and regraded to make us fight all the time. please help me i would do everything to get him back to
namnam

May 15, 2015 at 3:36 pm

hi chris can u plz help me?

i have been together with my ex for 4 year. 3 day ago he come up to me saying that he don’t love me anymore and he have felling in love with another now i saw a picture that they kissing it was so hurt!!… but in a way i has been with him for 4 year i love him so much and i want him back so bad…. but the thing is i live together with him until the end of the year. but after one month il be visit another country for almost 2 month. Do you think i still have chance to get him back to me ? plz help me …

thank you

namnam

May 25, 2015 at 3:25 pm

what should i do to make him feel interest in me again ? i would love to do so? which article any? thank you for reply my message 🙂
Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 5:42 pm

Did you read my article talking about how goood of a chance you have at getting your boyfriend back?

looknam

May 15, 2015 at 2:46 pm

hi chris i have been together with my ex for 4 year we broke up be cause he say he don’t have any feeling with me anymore and rite now he is in love with another girl. but we live together and sleep on the same bed. I still love him so much and want him to com back with me. do you think i still have chance to get him back and how should i do? Plz help me

thank you ;(

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 5:37 pm

CAn you give me more information to go on?

How did the breakup go down?

Rose

May 13, 2015 at 9:08 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of nearly 4 years asked me to move out after 3 years of living together. He says I stress him out too much and that things havent been the same since a big argument we had back in january. Basically he claims that he doesnt feel the way he did befire, that I m not that attractive to him anymore and that life is just easier without me. He still wants me to stay with him and said that maybe if we lived separately and dated, we would flirt, miss eachother and the feelings would rush back. I just want to keep living with him and have things go back to the way they were.. I know for a fact that me moving out will affect ALOT his life. For 3 years I have been taking cook care of him, cooking him amazing meals and showing him how much he means to me. I got about 2 months to find a new place, he has been really nice about it and told me to take my time, that if money was an issue he would help me out. I don’t want to go, I just want things to go back to the way they were. What attitude do you think I should have with him during those 2 months of common life we got left? Do you think I could change his mind?
Thank you so much for the articles, they have been so helpful,
Kind regards.

Chris Seiter

May 14, 2015 at 3:50 pm

I think you could change his mind eventually BUT I will say that it may take a while.

Was he right in his comment that you stressed him out?

cmr

May 1, 2015 at 1:43 am

HI chris, I need your help. Here’s my situation, I and my bf broke up 3 weeks ago now. We’ve been together since 2011. Our first 3 6 months wasn’t great becuase he was still grieving with his ex gf. Feels like I was so blind falling in love with him. We broke up at first because he wasn’t sure of his feelings towards me them we get back together when I contacted him for a date. He said he realized how special I am to him. After a couple months since the first break up he secretly decided to go abroad for work, we agreed long distance relationship and it work until he realized he missed me and he doesn’t want to lose me. He came back and we got engaged, after a couple months we got engage he found out I had a secret relationship with the other guy but I was trying to avoid the other guy. He lost his trust he broke up with me. I moved out and didn’t contact him for a day. He tried to contact my famiy and friends until he found out I rented a motel room for 2 nights. I texted him saying sorry for what I have done to him. He went to the motel and we talked and we decided to continue our relationship and it went well until few months later he became cold to him. He stop being affectionate and he withdraw everytime we had sex but our relationship was still ok and part of it I understand him. To make the story short, recently we had a fight, I got mad when he planned to go somewhere with his friend and he didnt told me right away. We already talked to go for vacation for the long weekend. The situation got worst until we had deep and emotional conversation. He ask me what I want for my future and I told him I want to have kids with him and have a happy family. He told me he doesn’t want kids anymore and he wants freedom and he doesn’t like our relationship because of culture differences and lots of issues. We lived together for more than 3 years with no big fight. both of us so comfortable to each other. Now we finally broke after his trip with his friend. I freak out and too emotional because of what he told me. I made a lot of mistakes after the break up. I beg many times, I always ask him if he is serious breaking up with me. Everytime I talked about it close his eyes and doesn’t want to listen. He had sex 3x, he told me he just want us to be friend. He also told me he doesn’t want to go back to our relationship. He was really and seems like we had a closure. Lately I sleep in our room with him. It doesn’t bother him if I sleep beside him, he is so comfortable sleeping with me but it won’t change his mind. Looks like we are getting more confortable with each other for talking and sleeping but the awkwardness still there. Sometimes when he come home he knock and say hi or ask me how im doing and sometimes ask me if I want to watch our tv show together. I still hug and kiss me and he is ok if im doing that. It hurts me because he let me doing it but sometimes he avoid me. Looks like he moved on and deosn’t care anymore. I am moving to my new place soon and same as him. We always talked about moving out and he told me lately that he doesn’t want to live with me for another month because its not healthy for both of us. I am confused… He knows that I still love and care for him. I am just confused and not sure what’s on his mind. I made most of your articles already but something like missing or answer that i am really looking for…Please help me. I need your advise. Thank you!
María

April 21, 2015 at 11:02 pm

Hi Chris, I have a question for you, but first I want to give you some context about my case: I’m a 19 years old college student, my exboyfriend is 26 years old and is in the same career as me (that’s how I met him). He was my first real boyfriend but he had had a 2 year relationship four years ago and before and after that he dated lots of girls (he got to second or thrid base with some of them). We were together for a year and a half, but during all that time we fought and broke up a lot because of my immaturity and even got us to fall in our grades, specially him cause he is studying to careers. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago, saying that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else for now, that he doesn’t know if he will ever want to be with someone else or if I have any chance of winning him back. Cause I didn’t know your website since five days ago I begged him for another chance, I got depressed for almost a week and then I asked him to be just my friend. In the last thing he said yes, but with the other two I freaked him out to the point that he asked my sister to calm me down (even if she is living in another country) and advised me to find professional help. Being friends was great, but he was too nice to me and it made me feel that he wanted to be with me again, so I asked several times if he still loved me but he said kept saying that he wanted to be alone for now to concentrate in his career. Because of that I felt very sad and miserable, so I decided to tell him that I wanted to keep distance for a while, that I did’nt want to cook or do laundry for him anymore (we both live in student house with other two couples so I helped him with those things quite often). He was ok with it. Then I found this website and started applying the NC rule (we live in separated rooms so I avoid using the common areas with him around, I went to class just in time to avoid talking, sat apart from him, left the classes right after they ended so that he didn’t have the chance to talk to me), I too started to dress up more cute than before, try new hairstyles, smile a lot and talk to people I didn’t talk to before.
Today he skipped class (he has never done it before), I sent him a message of an important announcement that the teacher did (I thought it was the right thing to do) and he ignored me. I went to cook and he was there, I waited for him to say something but he didn’t even look back at me, cause I was mad I didn’t said anything either, short after that he took his things (he was studying there, he usually does that) and locked himself up at his room, like 10 minutes later he dressed up and left the house. Here is my question: should I continue avoiding him or should I try to be friendly with him and talk first? I’m really puzzled, cause he was so nice like a friend and now it’s like he hates me.

María

April 24, 2015 at 6:32 am

Thank you a lot for your advise, I will keep trying. If he doesn’t love me anymore at least I’ll be able to move on. Finding your website was of great help 🙂
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:53 pm

Thanks Maria!
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:17 am

Avoid him..

If he talks to you eventually then you can be nice to him.

You are doing mostly everything right with yoru attitude. Though I would say don’t reach out for the assignments anymore. It’s his responsibility and not yours.

xyz

April 2, 2015 at 8:46 am

Gracias! This is one of most wonderful website of this kind.

admin

April 2, 2015 at 11:53 pm

Your welcome!

Thanks for the kind words.

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125 thoughts on “EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend”