How To Deal With An Angry Ex Boyfriend

74 thoughts on “EBR 029: How To Deal With An Angry Ex Boyfriend”

Ally

June 26, 2015 at 3:06 am

Hi Chris! Sorry to keep bothering you..

I submitted a comment last week with a few questions on how to proceed with my ex who’s angry at me.. but the comment hasn’t popped up here yet. I was wondering if you received it? Or if it had somehow slipped through?

Thanks
A

Chris Seiter

June 29, 2015 at 6:23 pm

I just haven’t gotten around to moderating it.

Ally

June 21, 2015 at 5:25 am

Thanks for everything Chris. Its been awhile since I’ve posted as I’ve been putting my plan to action based on all your articles

Im so devastated right now !! I was making slow but steady progress then I really mucked things up yesterday – I dunno if I can ever repair things Chris! I need your advice again please …

I’ll back track a little. We went out for about a year (not long but it was serious – more serious on his part than mine back then), then we were LDR and a few months later he broke up with me. He never gave me a reason then but later told our mutual friend its because he didn’t think i was committed enough to move for him and he had met another girl in that city

He went out with that girl very soon after we broke up. I know they were on and off for close to 2 months. He then broke up with her, and came to my city (for work not to visit me). We did meet up in a group once – he didn’t say much to me at all, but when the night ended he unexpectedly gave me a very long hug in silence then left. All of this was after NC. We’ve never seen each other in person since

As for me, I became crazy and desperate at the beginning. Then I found your website Chris and did NC for almost 7 weeks (again not on purpose but i had other family issues to tend to). During NC he texted me twice just asking how I was generally. I didn’t reply. At the end of NC I texted him, and he immediately responded by “oh so now you’re finally talking to me again”. I let the comment slide, then we texted on and off for the next couple of days.

After that I took a one week break from contacting him. And said hello again one week later – I did get a positive response. But since then our communication have been rather sporadic. This has been going on for a almost 3 months. Sometimes I get an instant response. Other times I don’t hear back for few days to a week. But the response is always positive. I assumed he’s busy as I know theres a lot of pressure from work

I tried very hard to be patient – as you keep saying slow and steady wins the race. So finally after 3-4 months, he agreed to meet up with me in his city. However the day before we were supposed to meet, he texted to change our time. Said his work plans changed last minute. And this is where I became emotional. I really don’t know why I did that, but I became difficult and said some mean things to him. Called him a liar etc. He was initially apologetic, but I kept pushing (again I really don’t know why I did that). But suddenly he snapped and sent me a long nasty text saying he’s trying hard to slot me in his busy schedule. And he’s already very stressed with work so if I’m going to be difficult and mean to him, then he doesn’t need to deal with me too. I apologised immediately but he ignored all my subsequent texts. So the next day I sent him another text, I apologised again but said clearly he’s still angry as I haven’t heard back so I won’t be travelling to his city as I’m not sure what’s happening. And I asked if I could call him. But he still hasn’t responded

This is the first fight we’ve ever had – even during the break up and immediately after, we never fought. I do know that he is very stressed at the moment with work. And I was really looking forward to finally meeting him in person, so I really don’t know what possessed me to be so emotional. It may be because he stood me up once in the past (also the trigger for our breakup). And perhaps I was insecure thats why I got so defensive yesterday. Eitherway, the damage is done now. And I really regret it and can you please please advise me on how to proceed?

1. Do you think there is any chance to repair the damage? Or should I give up and walk away now?
2. I gather from your other podcasts that I should recommence NC now. How long should this NC be?
3. His birthday is in 28 days time, would it be appropriate to use that as an excuse to break NC at that stage?
4. How and when can I resume reconnecting with him? And can I ever ask for another meet up?

A

July 9, 2015 at 10:38 pm

Hi chris

I’ve continued with NC and it was day 21 yesterday. He never contacted me during this time

As I had not heard back from you on how to proceed next, I contacted him yesterday. Sent him a funny picture sort of thing – and again no response. I know he was working at the time but it’s been 12 hrs since

I don’t know if I approached him too soon. Or if I should keep holding back or what I should do now at this stage. It’s all quite disheartening as I was getting so close to meeting up not too long ago..

Please get back to me chris. What do I do next?

Britt

June 18, 2015 at 12:54 am

Currently in NC but before I started NC I asked for my favorite sweater back. He wanted to meet in person to give it back but I told him I was really busy and it would just be easier to mail it. He got really angry about this and it’s been almost two weeks since the day he told me he would mail it.

What is the point of keeping my sweater? It was his idea to break up and the whole week after we broke up he called every day like nothing was wrong or changed. I haven’t received any calls or texts since starting NC but I have received multiple snapchats. It has only been 8 days since starting the NC.

Thanks so much for your advice
Sara

June 17, 2015 at 9:20 am

I’ve gone through the sites.
my ex left be all of a sudden and he is saying that he’s not interested in me anymore but he still admit he loves me.we chat on Facebook and he cares for me sometime but pretend not to..I everytime as him to come back but he refuses.he chats with a girl but they are bff and I’m so jealous of her I hate her.sometimes my ex ask me for phone sex and I give him.just because I think this is a way to attract him..today is our 11th day of breakup but it seems so long to me.I’m mad about him desperately in love with him but he says everytime I hurt him and um selfish.help me to get him back please I cannot stay any longer without him..we were in a relationship of 1years 2months .sometimes he address me as his sex partners only nd sometimes as a friend.help please
CLR

June 16, 2015 at 5:21 am

Hey Chris. Haven’t been on this site for a while. I have an update:

My ex broke up with me three months ago. I did NC for 30 days, but when I contacted him, no progress. I tried three more times (a text and two calls). Still nothing. Did another round of NC, and called today. I told myself that if he doesn’t respond this time, so be it.

He didn’t pick up, so I left a message (going for broke). Less than five minutes later, he called back. I was so shocked! Holy crap lol.

Now, the conversation was well over a few minutes, and he ended the call. Both bad, I know. But I remained cool. It took a bit but by the end, he wasn’t so guarded, more like how we were.

He did, however, say he was pissed at the world (aka his life). To be honest, I always felt our break up had more to do with him being mad at the world and just pushed every thing out of his life. He said how not much changed in his life, including romantically. I told him of the positive changes in my life. The conversation went well, he also ended the talking with “talk to you later.” When we broke up, he did not say that.

I’m still gonna play it cool since he said he was unsure about…us. But at least for now he’s receptive and seems ok with talking. I’m gonna wait 3-4 days before I call again. Also, he wanted my assistance on something, so I have that as a reason to call lol.

Just wanted to give you an update and say thank you. Whatever happens, happens, but thank you for your guidance!

CLR

June 18, 2015 at 11:20 pm

Another update:

Just talked to my ex again a few hours ago, and again, another good conversation! I actually called for something business related and tried to end the conversation after I said my piece, but he kept me on for almost 30 minutes lol. I still ended the talk first but it was like he wanted me to stick around…you know, without actually outright saying it. For example, the first time I tried ending the talk, there was this long silence. Then he just kept right on talking lol. This happened one other time, it was funny because this is such a turn around from three months ago!

We did sort of touch on a sensitive topic, but there was no argument. In fact, he actually listened to me and said I was right about something. Three months ago, all he could insinuate was I was being evasive, when that wasn’t true. He just wasn’t listening to me.

I’m so amazed how effective your methods worked. I’m still being cautious but this is so much better than how we were!!!

Any other suggestions on what I should do next? Or am I on the right track?

Venice

June 9, 2015 at 5:02 pm

Hi Chris!
What if he’s really mad at me that he even said that he dont wanna reconcile with me anymore that he dont wanna see me anymore? that he dont care about me anymore? he already cut all connections between us,he even blocked me in Facebook. What if during NC he’ll totally move on and decide not to get back to me anymore? Weve been together for 8 years,his blaming me for everything which i think he has the right to do..i love him so much and i dont know what to do now..Hes totally ignoring me now like he really dont care about me anymore and hurt so much..:-(

Maddy

November 1, 2015 at 4:30 am

Interested in your outcome…Very similiar to what I’m going through…Soo tough 🙁

Rachel

May 19, 2015 at 12:18 pm

Hi Chris
Really like your work here and the podcast
I’m having some situations here..
Just as we are being friendly and all last week and something happened
That I noticed that I got a miscarriage with my ex .
But it was very early so it’s still ok
I didn’t tell him in the first place since there’s nothing much he can do .
We talked on the phone and he was asking for proof so I sent it to him.
Then he got all angry and asked why I’m depressed about this
He became very harsh and hostile verbally but I remained so calm
He just lashed out and said things like, yes I’m very harsh on you now and it’s annoying and gonna block me on every communication (which he did) just feel that he doesn’t care
He’s always trying to change me in his way and said I’m amazing to be calmly talking to him, which he finds before I wasn’t that flat tone maybe
What should I do now ? I am forced to start NC and then what if he did not unblock me ?
Kate

May 10, 2015 at 3:08 pm

If you could expand on this article for better insight, that would be a great help. Also, how do you deal with angry AND stubborn men who refuse to communicate with you? Why do they refuse to talk to you? If you upset them so much that they are too stubborn to communicate with you, whats the best approach to a situation alike this?
veronica

April 21, 2015 at 6:37 am

chris plz help me out
actually i had a fight wid my boyfriend because some of the people or we can sae some of his frnds told him sumthg abt me this createda fight. i went to him to clear this doubt but he was so angry dat he didn’t even listen to me. then he went to my parents and told this everythg after dat i told my parents dat we were in relationship my parents started hitting me in front of him and told him to go. he went from there crying a lot. then he started drinking a lot. and now my frnd ask him how is ur gf. he was like dat i hate love so plz dont talk abt it bye. wat should i do to get my boyfriend back. we had a breakup on 29th march 2015

Chris Seiter

April 21, 2015 at 5:58 pm

The NC rule is an ideal start right now.

cordelia

April 18, 2015 at 3:03 pm

i’m confused by what you mean by building rapport specifically in this situation. after NC, are you suggesting we try to get the angry ex back on speaking terms with us first before apologizing? i.e. 30 days no contact, then the “so interesting he has to respond” type text, and then build communication back up to a good point before ever bringing up why he was angry and offering an apology?

my specific situation: technically there was no breakup and no fight, but I guess he’s my ex because he hasn’t contacted me in five weeks. i brought up (in a normal text conversation–we talk extensively by text every day) an issue I was having, and I was completely calm, not accusatory, extra delicate because it was a really sensitive issue. without saying what it was, I knew it had huge potential to put down his male ego if he took it the wrong way, so I really held back when bringing it up. he responded, and I could tell his nerves were on edge but not yet angry, and asked me to explain more. so I did, again trying to be as straightforward and objective as I could while still showing that I was genuinely asking in kindness and understanding.

but it was a fragile subject, and he’s a sensitive dude. the text asking what I meant was the last thing I got from him. I didn’t say anything else then because if he wasn’t responding I knew not to push him. about a week later, I sent him a second text, telling him I would never intentionally hurt him, that I knew it was a sensitive topic but that I couldn’t apologize, clarify, or fix it if he didn’t tell me what was wrong. I reached out like that–was maybe a little more reassuring–again a week after that. no contact for three weeks until now, so I’m wondering what I’ll need to say in 10 days or so.

do I break the silence by saying “I still want to fix it, here’s a better explanation, etc”, or do I ignore that situation completely and just text him something brief and interesting (a good memory we shared seems like the best route for this situation?)

on one hand, I’m worried that bringing the thing he’s angry about back to the forefront of his mind by apologizing straight off will drive him back away. on the other hand, breaking the silence with something lighter and ignoring the reason he’s been ignoring me would be cold. what do you think?

by the way, I’ve been reading your site for a while now, and you do a great job. I think women who really understand and put in practice what you say are bound to get their confidence and self-respect back even if they don’t get their ex boyfriends back, and in the end, that’s far more valuable! thanks!

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 9:01 pm

YES!

Get back on speaking terms first before apologizing!

Lucy

April 11, 2015 at 1:00 pm

Hi Chris,
I left you a voicemail a few days ago, but I can’t imagine how busy that system is so I thought I would ask a quick question in case you don’t have a chance to get to my situation. How fast does it take for a man to fall out of love with someone? Can being depressed (like in the case Zoe just mentioned up above) confuse the person into thinking they are not in love? And in either case, is it a death sentence for any future relationship?
Thanks for another great podcast!

Lucy

April 29, 2015 at 10:04 pm

He broke up with me on the 3rd. He told me he had fallen out of love with me sometime since Christmas — while the whole time, he was still telling me about how he wanted to go on trips with me, talking about his proposal plans and our future together. I am not sure what to do (or if I should even try – I think he’s one of those guys like you mention in your How Likely post, thinking the honeymoon period should last forever).
Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:36 pm

How fast, I think its gradual and dependent on the case.

NJ

April 10, 2015 at 8:48 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend and i broke up at the beginning of march (he broke up with me and moved out) and we were together three years, the beginning was exquisite and then deteriorated over that three years especially after moving in together after one year, but got really bad towards the end when his resentment of just about everything was just too overwhelming. yet we were still very close.

I was beyond devestated and cried and begged for 5 weeks, i discovered NC too late i think. i know he cared about me alot and still had feelings for me even though he said he doest want to be in a relationship anymore (he was married for 16 years just before we got together).

He still wanted to be partners at these events we go to together, up until the other day when i said something that offended him yet again and he lost it and said he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me or be with me ever again, time to move on and start our lives anew.

after reading everything on your site i see maybe he said that out of anger and it wasn’t really true.
so much on your site gave me hope and has been the only thing that helped, until i read this:

“well if our relationship was absolutely horrible and riddled with fights, disagreements,jealousy,trust issues and drama 24/7 there is a pretty good chance that my feelings are going to be lost.”

this is how he sees our relationship, even though he played a big if not equal part in all the bad things, he mostly blames me for everything.

do you think will time do anything to this feeling!? Will NC do anything?

he is attracted to me even though now maybe not and i was the only person he’s slept with in the last 5 years due to his erection problems from diabetes.

i am still just so devestated and can’t function without any hope. but he is so stubborn and resentful and he couldnt see past that in the relationship at all. I don’t know if time will do anything. usually once he makes up his mind thats it. (he’s mexican)

he did say (before we had the last fight) maybe in a year if i’m a completely different person we could. he also said maybe in a few months we could have fun (i assume meaning have sex) but that is probably out the window too.

I just need hope. advice. anything. Thankyou!

Maddy

November 1, 2015 at 4:37 am

Please update your situation..as I find it very much like to mine.. Looking for hope.. 🙁

nj

April 8, 2015 at 5:18 am

Hi Chris,
I wish I’d discovered this site sooner (it’s amazing) as I’ve been obsessively texting for a month now. I saw my ex yesterday and it was nice till I said something (but not on purpose) that really pissed him off and now he hates me more than ever and doesnt want to see or talk to me at all. Do you think it will calm down and when he’s not as angry my NC will have any effect? He says he doesnt want to be with me at all but I know somewhere he cares about me (maybe not at the moment) and if I’d done NC sooner I may have had a chance. Now it seems completey doomed and I can’t handle it because I can’t believe it could’ve gotten worse than it was. He’s very stubborn and determined too once he makes up his mind and finds it hard to forget anything bad I ever did or said so it’s hard to have any hope now, its like the final nail in the coffin! Do you think theres any hope?
ArmyGirl

April 7, 2015 at 9:40 pm

Hello Chris!

I completed 30 days no contact and visited my ex at work last week to give him a farewell gift from his old boss – we used to work together. I acted very confident and happy (but not overly excited) and he smiled but you could tell he was trying to hide the smile and then he went straight back to serious Army-guy face. He told me: “I don’t have a place for it right now since it really cluttered in the office as you see. (there were cots everywhere in the office) I will stop by sometime to get it.” He paused and then said “I’ll be here for a week.” And I was still very confident looking etc. and I just said “Ok I will see you later.”
This weekend I used Facebook to show off how great my life is going I posted a bunch of pics out and about in cute outfits looking really pretty. He texted me on Saturday “I collected the last few things of yours that I had at my place. Please let me know when I can get them to you.” I didn’t respond but posted pics of me at a pro basketball game and later that day I noticed he unfriended me from Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram and made his profile private. Maybe he was upset seeing me have so much fun? I waited two days to text (one week after seeing him at work) and I said “Hey! Sorry I wasn’t able to text you – my dad was in town. Can we shoot for this weekend? (for him to give me my things back)” He said “Whatever works for you (my name). Your stuff is in my car. I just have to drop it off.” I haven’t responded and I am not sure what to do. I was thinking about asking him to lunch to exchange things and talk about life and everything. What do you think? I am going to wait 5 days to get in contact with him by the weekend.

Thank you Chris – I am scared it is over! It definitely seems that he is trying to get over me! His mom is visiting him where we live and he hasn’t seen her in 2.5 years and I feel like it is in a way to move on. Also removing me from Facebook hurts too but I think it is because he is angry. Please help! I definitely feel like I have improved since we have spent time apart. I started studying for the GRE and I am applying to grad school. Also lost weight and I am getting a haircut! Hoping that he will agree to lunch.

ArmyGirl

April 10, 2015 at 7:51 pm

Chris what do you think?^

Zoe Roxby

April 5, 2015 at 6:08 pm

Hi Chris

My husband broke up with me 4 weeks ago after being together for 16yrs married for 13yr with two children. I tried the MC rule and just today he turned around and said to me he wants to get back together with me. He told me he had never fell out of love with me he was just lost with his depression. We both agreed to take things really slowly and to still live apart for now. Which I think is a good idea after all the progress I have made with myself for myself becoming the UG worked a treat too. Loosing weight, getting a new hairstyle buying some new clothes it all worked at giving me my confidence back after the break up. Then I also used a little jealousy tactic too saying that he clearly doesnt want to be with me so I might as well find someone who does after I work on myself a little more. But all the advice in your guides really helped. There were a few times when I really lost hope in it all but I kept to it doing the little exercises too about writing down the good times we had, his likes and dislikes, what I appreciated about him… It all gave me a better mind set to prepare myself to move forward. I can honestly say that if I never ”stumbled” upon your guide I would probably still have been the depressing, whiny, emotional wreck today. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel whole again but still going to keep what I have learned here and put it into our relationship and keep going on the way I have been. Thank you once again Zoe and Family xx

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:53 pm

AWESOME ZOE!!!!

I am so happy to hear this.

You made my day and I am not having a great one so thank you for that.

Rony

April 5, 2015 at 10:54 am

I’m a real fan of this episode!
Thumbs up!

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:49 pm

AWESOME!

Glad for the thumbs up.

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74 thoughts on “EBR 029: How To Deal With An Angry Ex Boyfriend”