What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend

148 thoughts on “EBR 030: What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend”

Stacy

January 17, 2016 at 8:02 pm

Hi Chris,

My situation is a unique one! Please help!!! I was in a 3 year on and off relationship, but it was sexless until the very end when he threatened to leave because he was sexually frustrated and didn’t think all the back and forth was worth it anymore. I’m a late bloomer, and remained a virgin into my twenties. When we started dating, I wasn’t ready for sex and gave him multiple opportunities to exit the relationship since I knew it would probably take me months or years to get over the sexual guilt I experienced from being raised in a religious home. Regardless, he insisted he would wait and continued pursuing me. He had sexual partners in the past before me, and also during our breaks when we were on and off. I was the one who held all the power in the beginning. I was always the one who called things off every time initially, and he would come begging me back or take me back immediately each time. Due to my original ungettable girl status, it was a shock to me when he started distancing himself and not making time to see me anymore. We started arguing a lot. He blamed me for everything and had a lot of resentment towards me that he had been keeping bottled up the whole time. I asked him if he still wanted to be together, and he said he was indifferent, no longer wanted to be in a sexless relationship then broke up with me. I had no idea he was so sexually frustrated, because he didn’t sit down with me to have a talk about his needs not being met or give me a chance to try to fix things. He doesn’t communicate very effectively. Over the course of the relationship, we did other things sexually, just hadn’t gone “all the way” yet. Ironically, this break up went down around the time when I was finally about to tell him I was ready to lose my virginity to him! I was devastated at the thought of losing him, after all we’d been through and after it took me so long to feel comfortable in a relationship. This was the first time he was ever the one to call things off.

My ego was bruised, and I was disappointed at the terrible timing. I begged and pleaded for him back thinking that if the only reason he wanted out was because we weren’t having sex, that I could fix it because I was finally ready. He came back but gave me an ultimatum that he wouldn’t be sticking around if we didn’t sleep together within a certain time period. He was still quite distant, not really treating me like a girlfriend anymore or making the effort to initiate or see me very often. I was initiating most of the texts and hangouts. One day we met up and slept together. After a few days passed, he broke up with me a second time, this time over text message.. saying he fell out of love with me…I went into no contact and haven’t heard from him since. I would really love your perspective on this situation and if there’s any hope of rekindling this or if I should just move on. :/ Please help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 11:41 am

hi Stacy,
it depends on you if you want to move on. There is a chance but it’s better if you do no contact period. It can help show you what his intentions really are and for you to think about your next steps

Lilian

December 18, 2015 at 6:24 am

Great! Thank you! Trying to listen to the podcast!
Jenelope

September 2, 2015 at 11:08 pm

Hi Chris!
I met this guy in March. We talked for the first few days before he invited ne over to his place but I did not go because I had other things to do. Our conversations weren’t persistent. They were on and off.
We finally met in May and had sex. Afterwards, our conversations were deep and lengthened. We talked everyday. Every time we met, we had sex. We used to talk abiut anything, even the future, well, apart from our pasts. He never talked about his past. It’s like we were almost dating
Two weeks ago, he texted me saying he can’t do us anymore. I was shocked because it came out of nowhere and he hadn’t shown loss of interest whatsoever during the preceeding days. Although I was sad and dumb founded, I accepted the break up calmly and we stopped texting. These were his words:
“You deserve better. I’m not your dream. We’re from two different worlds so I feel you need more. Sometimes a strong woman needs to be loved.Do know that whatever we had was worth it. ”
He then changed his WhatsApp status to “Doesn’t have to be forever but it’s worth it” . A few hours later,I couldn’t see his status or profile picture and immediately knew that he had deleted my number.
For the next few days, he liked my posts on Instagram and Facebook. He then uploaded a photo on Instagram saying, “It’s not your fault that I’m better off without you. ”
I applied the NC rule since day one of the breakup . I’m on day 15 but still not heard from him. Is there hope? Please help. I really want him back
gacelle

August 15, 2015 at 10:25 am

Hi chris! 🙂
So we’ve been together 7 mos or 6(?) He broke up with me saying ” he fell out of love” we’re not complimenting each other” “i deserve better” he’s always pressured with fights” “we’ll slowly go separate ways” “maybe were not for each other in the future” and i really cried my heart out. He promised me he wont date another girl for now. We’re still seeing each other and he saw my post about this guy i had a date with and im with my friends that time”he asked me if its my new boyf” and i told him no i dont like that guy and he said that i should be open to relatioships and everything. So that friday i asked him for a date so we went for a date(keeps on hugging and kissing me) and i told him im happy with the decision and he asked me why? And i told him that i should be bec if i stay sad would it make him stay? And he agreed with me so 2 weeks pass we’re still seeing each other but not as often as were still dating. Last thursday i asked him for a date and he refused so i forced him and said it was the last and it will be our closure so he agreed so we met and hes mad about the shirt im wwaring bec its too sexy so we still managed to get along we had xx and he keeps on hugging and kissing me so but i made up my mind o take a break from everything. So
I told him that it was my last and we’ll be friends after i recover from the heartbreak and he ignored what i said after that he is still showing his caring side. After that day i go out with friends and family. He messaged me that he misses me and we should take it slow bec its hard for him and he wants to check how im coping up. And i said okay we can be friends after that.. Its monday and i told him i miss him and could i see him but he refused but this time i didnt forced him i told him i thought he misses me and he told me that he rarely misses me and so he told me that if i’ll miss him its okay to text him but i refused i told him i need a break and told him that we will be friends again after i recover from the break up and i told him “bye bye” why is he like that?! Im not sending him texts anymore and im doing anything you said in this site. I’ve subcribed thru the emailand thank you for send me comforrable messages everyday. Youre really helping me!!! Thank you

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 10:59 pm

Glad to hear the emails are helping you! Have you tried no contact?
gacelle

August 15, 2015 at 10:29 am

I want him back tho.. I like his goals and etc in life. And he made me a better person..

Ness

July 14, 2015 at 5:01 am

Chris,
My boyfriend and I are on a break. We had been arguing a lot and he felt mad towards me so he felt that taking time apart would be best. We did end up sleeping with each other while this time apart. While agreeing to this time apart he told me he wants me in his future and is still in love with me. But right after we agreed to go on this break he has been calling or texting me everyday for brief moments. Am I supposed to answer or respond? Or should I still stay intimate with him?
Sandra

July 13, 2015 at 11:21 pm

Hi Chris, Thank you for sharing your site. I have one question pertaining to the No Contact Rule. Do you recommend blocking his telephone number or letting it go to voicemail? I’m sure sooner than later he will call, and I want to prepare myself.

Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 10:32 pm

Letting it go to voicemail!

Mary

July 12, 2015 at 10:34 pm

Hi Chris,

So my story is kind of long, but bear with me. Me and my boyfriend dated for 3 1/2 years, from high school until college, and he was a year older than me. Him being a year older always meant he was kind of one step ahead in life, like graduating, drinking, etc. We had dated so long that it got to the point where I was scared because I didn’t know if I had dated enough people and didn’t know if we were making a “high school sweat heart” mistake. So, I broke it off and went on a few dates with another boy (this all happened in spring of 2014). Within a few weeks I knew I had made a huge mistake, and my boyfriend and I got back together. That summer we had a ton of problems, and he was not treating me well at all. He was getting ready to study abroad in Spain the next semester, so at the end of the summer I decided we take a break and he just do his own thing while he was over there. Everyone assured me that this was very healthy. We talked the whole time he was there, constantly said I love you, etc. When he came back I was one of the first people we saw, and he took me on extravagant dates, introduced me to his new friends, and I thought we had finally got past our rough patch and were ready to get serious again. Unfortunately, things changed in February. For one, I found out that he had been doing serious drugs behind me back, like cocaine, and also taking xanax just for recreational use, which I am totally not okay with either, and I let him know. One night I went to his house (we lived very close while at school), and I found him in bed with LITERALLY the campus whore. Her reputation is for sleeping with anyone, including all of her best friends boyfriends. I have heard him and his friends talk in the past about how disgusting this girl is. ANY WAY, one thing lead to another and the two developed a relationship, and I fought to get him back. I fought for the past five months honestly. They are not officially dating, as he refuses to give her a title of their relationship. Me and him talk maybe once a week now, but basically what he told me is that he “is in a point in his life where I don’t know what I want. But with her I can do whatever I want and no one gets hurt. I love you and you mean the world to me but I am just not ready for a relationship for the rest of my life.” We slept together MANY times throughout this semester, and the other girl knew about it and didn’t care. We even slept together just a few weeks ago.

So basically my question is this… do I give up? is he basically just saying “its not me its you” in the nicest way possible, and he is choosing this girl over me as a serious partner? I know him deep down in his heart and I just can’t understand it. She not only has a bad reputation for sleeping around, but also is highly disliked because she is known as a very “shady” and mean person. I just don’t understand it. He did say he can do whatever he wants while he is with her, so I don’t know if that means getting to do drugs and hook up with other girls and basically have fun? Or if he is truly looking to commit to this girl. I love him with all of my heart and soul and she is just not good for him, but do I give up?

I have begun the NC and have gone one week now (the longest we’ve gone without speaking in 4 1/2 years of knowing each other). I am wondering if I should wait and be patient for him to figure out I am a catch and the woman he wants, or if I should really let it go.

Mary

July 12, 2015 at 10:38 pm

As a side not (I don’t know if this helps) but his friends are also pretty fond of me. Throughout the breakup they would assure me that this girl “is a fling” and he sees me as “long term”. One even met me and said “he is so in love with you”. I just don’t know why his friends would go to the lengths of doing that if it wasn’t true, or if he just wants to drag me along. He says very positive things about me constantly, and says “if we end up together in the future, then that is great.” and has said many times he can see himself marrying me. I just don’t know what’s true, and if it’s worth waiting, or if it’s just a bunch of lies to soften the blow of him leaving me for her.
Thank you so much if you read this novel or reply.

christina

July 4, 2015 at 2:03 pm

hello Chris. Greeting from Spain. I used the NC rule perfectly for 2 months. I started texting him about 10 days ago and it went perfectly well. The problem is we had a date, which lasted more than 24 hours. It was going great at the beginning, but it was pretty obvious that he started losing interest after we slept together and had sex. At the end he said he loves me but he needs to think about what happened and he’s not ready to take a decision. I know I made a huge mistake, I feel so disappointed of myself. So I’m wondering what I should do now. I’m afraid he has lost interest forever. Should I go back to no contact rule and start all over again? Was he just using me for sex? I really need your help.
christina

July 4, 2015 at 2:03 pm

hello Chris. Greeting from Spain. I used the NC rule perfectly for 2 months. I started texting him about 10 days ago and it went perfectly well. The problem is we had a date, which lasted more than 24 hours. It was going great at the beginning, but it was pretty obvious that he started losing interest after we slept together and had sex. At the end he said he loves me but he needs to think about what happened and he’s not ready to take a decision. I know I made a huge mistake, I feel so disappointed of myself. So I’m wondering what I should do now. I’m afraid he has lost interest forever. Should I go back to no contact rule and start all over again? Was he just using me for sex? I really need your help.

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:56 pm

Has he tried seeing you again about anything other than sex?

Angelique

June 10, 2015 at 1:48 am

Hi Chris. Please answer, I really need your advice. My ex and started talking again after months of NC. He was the one to initiate us hanging out & invited me to go out of town with him for the weekend. Unfortunately I made a huge mistake and slept with him which I know is a huge NO NO. Here’s where it gets even more complicated. We are both Christians & pretty serious about our faith and so back when we first started dating we had decided to wait for marriage to have sex, but then we ended up sleeping together twice & we both felt pretty guilty about it afterwards. Anyways, he eventually broke up with me because we had a couple fights & honestly they were nothing too serious but he has huge issues with conflict. Anyways, I did the whole NC, followed your guide, met up with him and unfortunately we slept together 2 weeks ago. Since it happened he has called me & text me BUT he told me that he doesn’t think we should hang out anymore because it’s too much temptation. So my question is how can I win him back if he is basically refusing to hang out again? I told him we could just do something public like go to the movies or something but he says how seeing me is too hard for him & that he thinks we would end up sleeping together again & that he is trying to avoid that. Now I don’t know what to do, any advice would truly be appreciated : )
Angelique

June 10, 2015 at 1:48 am

Hi Chris. Please answer, I really need your advice. My ex and started talking again after months of NC. He was the one to initiate us hanging out & invited me to go out of town with him for the weekend. Unfortunately I made a huge mistake and slept with him which I know is a huge NO NO. Here’s where it gets even more complicated. We are both Christians & pretty serious about our faith and so back when we first started dating we had decided to wait for marriage to have sex, but then we ended up sleeping together twice & we both felt pretty guilty about it afterwards. Anyways, he eventually broke up with me because we had a couple fights & honestly they were nothing too serious but he has huge issues with conflict. Anyways, I did the whole NC, followed your guide, met up with him and unfortunately we slept together 2 weeks ago. Since it happened he has called me & text me BUT he told me that he doesn’t think we should hang out anymore because it’s too much temptation. So my question is how can I win him back if he is basically refusing to hang out again? I told him we could just do something public like go to the movies or something but he says how seeing me is too hard for him & that he thinks we would end up sleeping together again & that he is trying to avoid that. Now I don’t know what to do, any advice would truly be appreciated : )
The fisher"woman"

June 4, 2015 at 12:52 am

Ok, so what now? I completed the NC rule (twice), he reached out to me, built attraction through text messaging that turned into phone calls, that turned into our first date. The first date I literally had to peel him off of me and listened to him tell me over and over that he misses me, no other woman has been able to stimulate him as I have etc. etc. etc. You will be proud to know that he informed me that he was dating someone else and I never mentioned her again. No, I did not sleep with him and I flat out refused to do so. My question is… What now? I have him on the hook but not sure how to quit reel him in. I have continued to be unavailable, ending conversations early, and leaving him hanging simply because I don’t know what to do next.

Chris Seiter

June 4, 2015 at 6:38 pm

Well, is he still dating someone currently?

The fisher"woman"

June 4, 2015 at 12:52 am

Ok, so what now? I completed the NC rule (twice), he reached out to me, built attraction through text messaging that turned into phone calls, that turned into our first date. The first date I literally had to peel him off of me and listened to him tell me over and over that he misses me, no other woman has been able to stimulate him as I have etc. etc. etc. You will be proud to know that he informed me that he was dating someone else and I never mentioned her again. No, I did not sleep with him and I flat out refused to do so. My question is… What now? I have him on the hook but not sure how to quit reel him in. I have continued to be unavailable, ending conversations early, and leaving him hanging simply because I don’t know what to do next.

Chris Seiter

June 4, 2015 at 6:38 pm

Well, is he still dating someone currently?

felicia

May 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

Chris, i finally met up with my ex and slept with him, when everything was said and done i asked him if he would lose respect and he said no. I dont think he’ll completely cut me off or friends with benefits with me now, but im a bit scared of him not committing because he’s quite emotionally unavailable. He’s a bit distant during text nowadays, and take a few days to reply on fb messenger, but a month ago he told me he wanted to date me again. I’m so confused right now, what do i do next?

Chris Seiter

May 21, 2015 at 3:39 pm

I don’t think you should have slept with him though.

felicia

May 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

Chris, i finally met up with my ex and slept with him, when everything was said and done i asked him if he would lose respect and he said no. I dont think he’ll completely cut me off or friends with benefits with me now, but im a bit scared of him not committing because he’s quite emotionally unavailable. He’s a bit distant during text nowadays, and take a few days to reply on fb messenger, but a month ago he told me he wanted to date me again. I’m so confused right now, what do i do next?

Chris Seiter

May 21, 2015 at 3:39 pm

I don’t think you should have slept with him though.

Nami

May 3, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Love – professor Chirs, I thought I read very carefuly every word you write and follow them, but I still made mistakes again and now I am scared that I have to pay too much for that.
When my ex said “I love you too much” again, I said yes too fast, and made love with him too early, I am affraid. “Give him too much too soon” 🙁 After second honeymoon, he does everything like when we were in love the first time: skypes many hours every day, shares with me what he has to do and be paintien with me when I am angry. But, also, very clearly, we DO know that it doesn’t mean the same before. Our relationship is very much like friendship than love. And we have fights quite often, we lost the “magical peace” and “nature trust” of lovers. As what you wrote in other story, I know that we should do new things together, but we have fights too often and we don’t feel close enough to start it 🙁
Last week I went to Italy. I thought 1 week no contact would help us some how. But, I found out that he contact again with the girl who was the reason we broke up before!!!
Help me, Chris, I do not want to make any stupid mistake again to destroy all my hard work in 2 years, everyday learn what you write!
I think I have to do no contact rule again 🙁 I want to tell him that I don’t accept he contacts her like that, it’s not wrong, he has his right, but it hurts me too much and I can’t stand that pain. But as I said to you, we broke up too many times already, and I am scared that this time, we will get lost each other for ever.
In case I have to break up with him, how should I do it so we might have a chance latter?
Thank you for your advice and also for all the great knowledge in your Love University.
Nami

May 3, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Love – professor Chirs, I thought I read very carefuly every word you write and follow them, but I still made mistakes again and now I am scared that I have to pay too much for that.
When my ex said “I love you too much” again, I said yes too fast, and made love with him too early, I am affraid. “Give him too much too soon” 🙁 After second honeymoon, he does everything like when we were in love the first time: skypes many hours every day, shares with me what he has to do and be paintien with me when I am angry. But, also, very clearly, we DO know that it doesn’t mean the same before. Our relationship is very much like friendship than love. And we have fights quite often, we lost the “magical peace” and “nature trust” of lovers. As what you wrote in other story, I know that we should do new things together, but we have fights too often and we don’t feel close enough to start it 🙁
Last week I went to Italy. I thought 1 week no contact would help us some how. But, I found out that he contact again with the girl who was the reason we broke up before!!!
Help me, Chris, I do not want to make any stupid mistake again to destroy all my hard work in 2 years, everyday learn what you write!
I think I have to do no contact rule again 🙁 I want to tell him that I don’t accept he contacts her like that, it’s not wrong, he has his right, but it hurts me too much and I can’t stand that pain. But as I said to you, we broke up too many times already, and I am scared that this time, we will get lost each other for ever.
In case I have to break up with him, how should I do it so we might have a chance latter?
Thank you for your advice and also for all the great knowledge in your Love University.
S

May 1, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Chris, we’ve been broken up 8 months now, were together for 9. He has a new girlfriend whom he’s been with for 6 months now. We had been having sex every month or so till last December. January and February, I did no contact to him. After which he began chasing me again, started cheating on his girlfriend with me, and told me he loved me. We ended up having sex a lot again.
I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing, so I followed the tips you gave about denying hookups and FWB. I did exactly as you said and I did leave him wanting more a couple of times.

Two days ago before our summer break started, I told him if he can’t commit to me, I can’t give him sex. I told him, you’re cheating on your girlfriend, and I’m not your mistress, I’m a lot more dignified than that, and I won’t allow you into my house anymore. I obviously want more than just the sex because you know how I feel about you. He was like okay fine if you think I’m using you, we’ll never sleep again and we’ll never talk during the two and half months of our summer break.
When I asked him don’t you think you’ve been cheating on her all along, he said he didn’t think it was wrong and it’s not cheating! 😮 she doesn’t know he still has sex with me, how could he not think it’s cheating?

After this talk, we blocked each other on whatsapp. He unblocked me within a day, while I unblocked him after three days. We’re both doing NC on each other again.

My question, do I do NC the whole two and half months like he’s expecting me to, or only for 30 days? Will he think that I can’t restrain myself from talking to him if I contact him after 30 days instead of 60-75 days?

Looking forward to your reply. Thank you. 🙂
S

May 1, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Chris, we’ve been broken up 8 months now, were together for 9. He has a new girlfriend whom he’s been with for 6 months now. We had been having sex every month or so till last December. January and February, I did no contact to him. After which he began chasing me again, started cheating on his girlfriend with me, and told me he loved me. We ended up having sex a lot again.
I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing, so I followed the tips you gave about denying hookups and FWB. I did exactly as you said and I did leave him wanting more a couple of times.

Two days ago before our summer break started, I told him if he can’t commit to me, I can’t give him sex. I told him, you’re cheating on your girlfriend, and I’m not your mistress, I’m a lot more dignified than that, and I won’t allow you into my house anymore. I obviously want more than just the sex because you know how I feel about you. He was like okay fine if you think I’m using you, we’ll never sleep again and we’ll never talk during the two and half months of our summer break.
When I asked him don’t you think you’ve been cheating on her all along, he said he didn’t think it was wrong and it’s not cheating! 😮 she doesn’t know he still has sex with me, how could he not think it’s cheating?

After this talk, we blocked each other on whatsapp. He unblocked me within a day, while I unblocked him after three days. We’re both doing NC on each other again.

My question, do I do NC the whole two and half months like he’s expecting me to, or only for 30 days? Will he think that I can’t restrain myself from talking to him if I contact him after 30 days instead of 60-75 days?

Looking forward to your reply. Thank you. 🙂
Dream

April 30, 2015 at 12:34 pm

Hi chris, I’m recently going through a break up & my ex told me he ended it because he lost feelings for me and told me to move on. We’ve been together for year & nine months. I’ve been doing the no contact rule for a week & a half but I’m starting to lose all hope. Everybody keeps saying that this is it & it honestly breaks my heart to hear that. I fell head over heels for this guy. We had so much planned out. Any advice?

« Previous 1 2 3 4 Next »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

148 thoughts on “EBR 030: What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend”