The Seven Deadly Sins Women Commit After A Breakup

157 thoughts on “EBR 031: The Seven Deadly Sins Women Commit After A Breakup”

Sally

April 24, 2015 at 12:19 pm

Hey Chris!

Thanks as always for your sensible, upbeat, supportive, and humorous advice.

As for the Seven Deadly Sins, particularly the Grand Gesture, I totally agree with you. But I’d like to offer an alternative viewpoint as well.

Call it the Ben Franklin effect – that is, when a person does a favor for someone, then that person is more likely to do another favor again, rather that the idea that a person will only do a favor if they have received a favor themselves. Kind of like ‘I want to do something nice for you today because I did something nice for you yesterday’.

This was my experience, and it was really positive for me.

About a year ago, I bought a gift subscription for him (it cost about £100). It was done anonymously, and, as you could guess, made no impact whatsoever on the interactions between us.

At the time, I did it for all the usual girly reasons: ‘He likes it, he’ll appreciate it, blah blah blah’.

At the same time, I was still very angry and hurt by his behaviour, and my emotions were all over the place – apologetic, angry, forceful, upset, conciliatory, etc.

Anyway, I bought the gift subscription. And an outcome which I hadn’t at all expected was the best outcome of all: I felt good about myself, that I had done a good thing for someone, regardless of whatever had gone before.

And doing that gave me such peace in my mind, after such upheaval in my life. To have calmness and peace in my mind is still something very special for me.

If I had known that that was going to be the effect, I would have gladly paid £1000.

I still try and apply the Ben Franklin effect with my other friendships – doing a favor is thoughtful, and really helps me to think caringly about other people.

And I like having that as one of my core values.

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 11:01 pm

You are welcome Sally!

I also think that’s called paying it forward.

Sally

April 24, 2015 at 12:19 pm

Hey Chris!

Thanks as always for your sensible, upbeat, supportive, and humorous advice.

As for the Seven Deadly Sins, particularly the Grand Gesture, I totally agree with you. But I’d like to offer an alternative viewpoint as well.

Call it the Ben Franklin effect – that is, when a person does a favor for someone, then that person is more likely to do another favor again, rather that the idea that a person will only do a favor if they have received a favor themselves. Kind of like ‘I want to do something nice for you today because I did something nice for you yesterday’.

This was my experience, and it was really positive for me.

About a year ago, I bought a gift subscription for him (it cost about £100). It was done anonymously, and, as you could guess, made no impact whatsoever on the interactions between us.

At the time, I did it for all the usual girly reasons: ‘He likes it, he’ll appreciate it, blah blah blah’.

At the same time, I was still very angry and hurt by his behaviour, and my emotions were all over the place – apologetic, angry, forceful, upset, conciliatory, etc.

Anyway, I bought the gift subscription. And an outcome which I hadn’t at all expected was the best outcome of all: I felt good about myself, that I had done a good thing for someone, regardless of whatever had gone before.

And doing that gave me such peace in my mind, after such upheaval in my life. To have calmness and peace in my mind is still something very special for me.

If I had known that that was going to be the effect, I would have gladly paid £1000.

I still try and apply the Ben Franklin effect with my other friendships – doing a favor is thoughtful, and really helps me to think caringly about other people.

And I like having that as one of my core values.
Rosa

April 24, 2015 at 11:01 am

Hi Chris!

I just want to say that I love the new site design. One tweak I would add is a button that is “back to top” when you are scrolling down. I’m sure it is probably complicated, but maybe adding a search would be nice :).

Thank you so much for your site! I thought I got my ex back (following your advise), and I made the mistake of asking him if we were back together (we were having sex – I know, bad idea – but I was feeling really anxious) and he told me it was too intense and he is “spooked”. We haven’t had contact since Monday. I’m not sure what to do. I am waiting for him to contact me since he said to meet and talk about it later in the week, but I feel like maybe we weren’t on the same page. I just want to go back and see where it goes again. I’m very confused.

Maybe for the next book you can include a section on starting to date your ex and mistakes not to make! 😛 I bought pro and once we started dating I was a bit lost on what to do!

Again Chris, your site has helped me so much thank you so much and congrats on the new site.

Rosa

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:59 pm

Hi Rosa,

Thanks for the comment.

I think a search bar would be a great idea. I will talk to my designer about potentially adding that in the future.

Ya, PRO was more geared towards just getting him back.

But when I come up with an updated version I will definitely add in the safeguarding a relationship part.

Rosa

April 24, 2015 at 11:01 am

Hi Chris!

I just want to say that I love the new site design. One tweak I would add is a button that is “back to top” when you are scrolling down. I’m sure it is probably complicated, but maybe adding a search would be nice :).

Thank you so much for your site! I thought I got my ex back (following your advise), and I made the mistake of asking him if we were back together (we were having sex – I know, bad idea – but I was feeling really anxious) and he told me it was too intense and he is “spooked”. We haven’t had contact since Monday. I’m not sure what to do. I am waiting for him to contact me since he said to meet and talk about it later in the week, but I feel like maybe we weren’t on the same page. I just want to go back and see where it goes again. I’m very confused.

Maybe for the next book you can include a section on starting to date your ex and mistakes not to make! 😛 I bought pro and once we started dating I was a bit lost on what to do!

Again Chris, your site has helped me so much thank you so much and congrats on the new site.

Rosa
Jannah J.

April 23, 2015 at 3:58 pm

Alright, I will take things slow and be patient then. So I would apologize when I’ve built up great rapport with him or when he starts warming up a bit with me too (because as I mentioned, it really is an uneasy air with a “forced” happy mood in chatting). I am also trying to work on not starting out on the path that would lead me to the friendzone, but attraction should be built over time. And yes he is a very stubborn and introverted guy. The reason why I am also having difficulty in estimating my contact is because I could say that I was a clingy girl who brought up drama (just like in one of your articles/podcasts) so it’s a little hard to show him that I’ve changed while at the same time reach out with memory texts and the like (hence, the reason why I had the thought of being willing to walk away or move on and wait until he contacts me).

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:35 pm

EXACTLY!

Apologize when he is in the right frame of mind to accept your apology.

Jannah J.

April 23, 2015 at 3:58 pm

Alright, I will take things slow and be patient then. So I would apologize when I’ve built up great rapport with him or when he starts warming up a bit with me too (because as I mentioned, it really is an uneasy air with a “forced” happy mood in chatting). I am also trying to work on not starting out on the path that would lead me to the friendzone, but attraction should be built over time. And yes he is a very stubborn and introverted guy. The reason why I am also having difficulty in estimating my contact is because I could say that I was a clingy girl who brought up drama (just like in one of your articles/podcasts) so it’s a little hard to show him that I’ve changed while at the same time reach out with memory texts and the like (hence, the reason why I had the thought of being willing to walk away or move on and wait until he contacts me).
Jessica

April 23, 2015 at 3:54 pm

Hey Chris! Love the new website!!! Although, I do agree it would be nice to have easier access to older posts. So, I lasted past my 30 days no contact. I sent him a text a few days ago. I lead with ” guess what I heard”. Then, he text me three times in a 45 minute period, before I sent him my text about a song, but if you know him it was perfect. His response was really positive, fast, and more characters then he usually texts. He didn’t really ask anything or give me anything else to go off of, so just didn’t respond. So, when do I send my next text cause its kinda in the air? and what kinda text should I be sending? should I be sending him a text once a week? every couple days? Thanks for everything you do! 🙂
Jessica

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:33 pm

Ya so far that has been the biggest complaint about the site.

Though I think this is a MAJOR improvement.

Send the next text in the next day or two.

Jessica

April 23, 2015 at 3:54 pm

Hey Chris! Love the new website!!! Although, I do agree it would be nice to have easier access to older posts. So, I lasted past my 30 days no contact. I sent him a text a few days ago. I lead with ” guess what I heard”. Then, he text me three times in a 45 minute period, before I sent him my text about a song, but if you know him it was perfect. His response was really positive, fast, and more characters then he usually texts. He didn’t really ask anything or give me anything else to go off of, so just didn’t respond. So, when do I send my next text cause its kinda in the air? and what kinda text should I be sending? should I be sending him a text once a week? every couple days? Thanks for everything you do! 🙂
Jessica
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:56 pm

Thanks for your reply Chris. I made the decision to reopen and make myself visible on all my social media and pt my phone back on.

To put it more succinctly, in my case, since he kind of retreated to take care of things for 11 days, and there was no real break-up, but due to the issues he was trying to solve, the relationship and I lost priority, should I do a shortened no contact of a week or 21 days for instance, or still do the full 30 days? Do you believe the full 30 days will inspire the commitment I’m seeking, in terms of him being able to miss me, the routine, and perhaps feel some guilt and grow introspective? Thanks.

I’m anxious to know the resolution with this woman (this drama all has been happening since a year ago, and he let me know he was angry but he had to finally deal with it), and want to make it clear I am there for him, so not sure how long NC is appropriate.

Complicated

May 2, 2015 at 4:24 am

Update: I remained supportive and warm, but not pushy or clingy, and was clear about my needs (your article on preventing a break-up and an honest talk helped). NC was irrelevant to me in my case, but your articles on What Makes A Change His Mind About Breakup (I seemed to have persuaded well through emotion and reason), What Makes A Man Want to Come Back After a Breakup (I fell in the positive reasons category), How to Make Your ExBF Regret Letting You Go (I totally moved into a mindset of moving on without moving on and remained mostly quiet), and Chase Theory article were helpful so thank you.

We’re back into our normal routine 🙂 (he called out of the blue first after my being honest and open and we’ve been a regular contact, but I’ll let him initial and I respond with the proper texting ratio) and I am training myself to be patient in contact and NC! Next, going to be better at ending phone convos on the high points and just building that attraction and rapport again! Oh, and we’re back on for our wedding weekend too–so thanks!

I’ll admit, I was frustrated too at your lack of reply at first (appreciate your apology and explanation in your recent podcast!) but I want to advise women here to go through your bevy of articles and develop a plan through logic like your articles say! Trust yourself to make some executive decisions too based on what you know about your mate with the help in Chris’s articles! He’s only one man and may take days to reply so it helps with the anxiety haha! 😉
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:32 pm

I don’t think it will be effective all the way. You need more than NC to get that kind of commitment but I think it is an essential part of the process.

Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:56 pm

Thanks for your reply Chris. I made the decision to reopen and make myself visible on all my social media and pt my phone back on.

To put it more succinctly, in my case, since he kind of retreated to take care of things for 11 days, and there was no real break-up, but due to the issues he was trying to solve, the relationship and I lost priority, should I do a shortened no contact of a week or 21 days for instance, or still do the full 30 days? Do you believe the full 30 days will inspire the commitment I’m seeking, in terms of him being able to miss me, the routine, and perhaps feel some guilt and grow introspective? Thanks.

I’m anxious to know the resolution with this woman (this drama all has been happening since a year ago, and he let me know he was angry but he had to finally deal with it), and want to make it clear I am there for him, so not sure how long NC is appropriate.
Jannah J.

April 23, 2015 at 5:22 am

Oh I see- mobile friendly, then I am satisfied with the layout! I often browse your site through my phone or ipad (and hook up the earplugs to listen to new podcasts).

For my situation, you mentioned it is a last resort to go through. Then I guess I will have to adjust my NC duration/moderation enough for him to miss me (because I feel that he really is preoccupied with his new dates that I need to give him time to get bored with them- and there are hints that he is getting bored or forcing himself to be upbeat with other people.) I would have to slow down my memory texts a little bit but make sure that they count when I send them.

I also listened to your Angry Boyfriend podcast and I have a question. During out breakup, we said things that were pretty harsh and hit us hard (even I did). He is the kind of person who is too ashamed to apologize sometimes and would only apologize if the other would (because of the fear that if he apologizes, a fight might spark again). I was wondering if maybe I should apologize when we already become cozy and cool with each other (not really get back) OR if I should apologize quick and simple right now/soon after our first few message bubbles to make him think (hey…. okay maybe our fight/breakup was a quick decision. Oh she’s still making efforts to understand me. Oh, she hasn’t given up on me.) I sometimes think this could… COULD break the ice better and crack the “standoff” that is happening despite the good responses? My ex isn’t a very honest or direct person and he is more of the passive side that gives subtle hints or makes a move only when someone opens an opportunity/door. What do you advise, Chris? 🙂

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 1:13 pm

Believe it or not but most people browse this site through their phones and the podcasts lends itself to the earphones like you mention.

I believe we call him a stubborn guy if he won’t ever apologize.

I don’t think you should apologize quickly right now. I would wait until you have him hooked in a conversation down the road for that.

Jannah J.

April 23, 2015 at 5:22 am

Oh I see- mobile friendly, then I am satisfied with the layout! I often browse your site through my phone or ipad (and hook up the earplugs to listen to new podcasts).

For my situation, you mentioned it is a last resort to go through. Then I guess I will have to adjust my NC duration/moderation enough for him to miss me (because I feel that he really is preoccupied with his new dates that I need to give him time to get bored with them- and there are hints that he is getting bored or forcing himself to be upbeat with other people.) I would have to slow down my memory texts a little bit but make sure that they count when I send them.

I also listened to your Angry Boyfriend podcast and I have a question. During out breakup, we said things that were pretty harsh and hit us hard (even I did). He is the kind of person who is too ashamed to apologize sometimes and would only apologize if the other would (because of the fear that if he apologizes, a fight might spark again). I was wondering if maybe I should apologize when we already become cozy and cool with each other (not really get back) OR if I should apologize quick and simple right now/soon after our first few message bubbles to make him think (hey…. okay maybe our fight/breakup was a quick decision. Oh she’s still making efforts to understand me. Oh, she hasn’t given up on me.) I sometimes think this could… COULD break the ice better and crack the “standoff” that is happening despite the good responses? My ex isn’t a very honest or direct person and he is more of the passive side that gives subtle hints or makes a move only when someone opens an opportunity/door. What do you advise, Chris? 🙂

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 1:13 pm

Believe it or not but most people browse this site through their phones and the podcasts lends itself to the earphones like you mention.

I believe we call him a stubborn guy if he won’t ever apologize.

I don’t think you should apologize quickly right now. I would wait until you have him hooked in a conversation down the road for that.

Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:37 am

Hi Chris,

I need your help and it’s a bit time sensitive. I have been a long-time reader and this is my first time commenting. First of all, your site looks beautiful, it is clear you have put a lot of work into it. I miss the side bar of all the posts as mentioned by others, but I love it overall. Congrats!

So the guy I am seeing kind of never “broke up” with each other, but he stopped responding to me for 11 days to deal with a woman who basically is accusing him of being the father of her baby.

He retreated to deal with everything and I initially was a bit of a texting gnat asking him to let me in and I was there for him, but I was fearful (in my mind, I didn’t say this) that basically he had just stopped wanting to deal with me completely. I had noticed him sort of going from being loving and open (sending me messages every day just to make me laugh, he has planned two surprise trips for me etc.) to closed off and not calling or messaging me for days and I finally brought it up and had wanted to know if we were in a serious, committed relationship that was still going forward, and he let me know in a frustrated voice (I did not know about this baby yet) that “a relationship was about 3rd on his list of concerns right now”. I reminded him he had told me he was serious about building something with me (and his actions had been backing it up; my family has actually know him a long time and like him (he is best friends with my sister’s husband), but I was younger at the time and had not known him well).

So after a stumble or two (never sent any nasty messages, and even when I was texting or emailed twice they were hours apart, like 3-6 hours), I let him know I would be here for him, I am not angry, and I am going to go quiet as well and work on my goals and I would be happy to hear from him when I did and officially went into NC for what is 5 days today, which is when he has messaged me.

He let me know he owes me a conversation and I knew he was sorry (I know how he apologizes) and that he had just had to figure everything out and get the facts. Well I didn’t answer (this was over messenger) and another important this is I shut off my phone since 4/15 to help me in my discipline with NC and was going to put it on May 1st.

So here are my questions: Should I turn on my phone, so if he does contact me, he is able to and I can determine if I need to shorten NC to 21 or even 3 days? I think this may be equivalent to the ill-advised blocking or unfriending your ex on social media you talk about.

Is 1 week of NC more suitable in my case (he has already had his own NC though of 11 days), since there was not really a break up?

And finally, I’m tempted to do the full 30 days because I have been having trouble having him to officially commit as in bf/gf and not just exclusivity and monogamy, and in his guilt and not hearing from me, this just may be what I need. What do you think? We have a wedding we are both attending by the way in about a month and I am supposed to pick him up and we were going to stay together for the event. Thanks so much for your time. Hope to hear from you! I am a little paranoid, so after you reply, I may delete this if possible…

Oh, and I want to purchase your book after I complete NC to properly act post-NC!

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:51 pm

I would purchase it during NC to be honest since it talks a lot about what to do during NC.
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:57 am

Ugh sorry for so many messages, but a little about me and my mistakes: I was the UG when he met me (he is attractive himself but was nervous around me and worked really hard to get me to pay attention to him/like him, as in beginning I was a bit elusive and not looking for a relationship), I got I think clingy at times and called or texted too much, I slowed that down (we used to text and talk every day in the “honeymoon” stage so I was kind of adjusting and also to his personality of needing a quiet night every now and then), and I want to regain that status. I am very fit, take care of my skin and all that, so it’s more about getting his commitment and my high value back in his eyes in the personality realm.
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:44 am

Sorry last message: I have also been kind of making myself unseeable on messenger, but then I would make myself visible again and I would see he would then come on, and was “mirroring” me for a few days before he officially messaged me, so I had a feeling he was kind of keeping track of my availability. Perhaps this messenger is enough to let him contact me and should I just remain visible at all times then?
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:40 am

By the way, I am picking him up from the airport because we are long-distance! We have been dating exclusively since last October about. Thanks!

Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:37 am

Hi Chris,

I need your help and it’s a bit time sensitive. I have been a long-time reader and this is my first time commenting. First of all, your site looks beautiful, it is clear you have put a lot of work into it. I miss the side bar of all the posts as mentioned by others, but I love it overall. Congrats!

So the guy I am seeing kind of never “broke up” with each other, but he stopped responding to me for 11 days to deal with a woman who basically is accusing him of being the father of her baby.

He retreated to deal with everything and I initially was a bit of a texting gnat asking him to let me in and I was there for him, but I was fearful (in my mind, I didn’t say this) that basically he had just stopped wanting to deal with me completely. I had noticed him sort of going from being loving and open (sending me messages every day just to make me laugh, he has planned two surprise trips for me etc.) to closed off and not calling or messaging me for days and I finally brought it up and had wanted to know if we were in a serious, committed relationship that was still going forward, and he let me know in a frustrated voice (I did not know about this baby yet) that “a relationship was about 3rd on his list of concerns right now”. I reminded him he had told me he was serious about building something with me (and his actions had been backing it up; my family has actually know him a long time and like him (he is best friends with my sister’s husband), but I was younger at the time and had not known him well).

So after a stumble or two (never sent any nasty messages, and even when I was texting or emailed twice they were hours apart, like 3-6 hours), I let him know I would be here for him, I am not angry, and I am going to go quiet as well and work on my goals and I would be happy to hear from him when I did and officially went into NC for what is 5 days today, which is when he has messaged me.

He let me know he owes me a conversation and I knew he was sorry (I know how he apologizes) and that he had just had to figure everything out and get the facts. Well I didn’t answer (this was over messenger) and another important this is I shut off my phone since 4/15 to help me in my discipline with NC and was going to put it on May 1st.

So here are my questions: Should I turn on my phone, so if he does contact me, he is able to and I can determine if I need to shorten NC to 21 or even 3 days? I think this may be equivalent to the ill-advised blocking or unfriending your ex on social media you talk about.

Is 1 week of NC more suitable in my case (he has already had his own NC though of 11 days), since there was not really a break up?

And finally, I’m tempted to do the full 30 days because I have been having trouble having him to officially commit as in bf/gf and not just exclusivity and monogamy, and in his guilt and not hearing from me, this just may be what I need. What do you think? We have a wedding we are both attending by the way in about a month and I am supposed to pick him up and we were going to stay together for the event. Thanks so much for your time. Hope to hear from you! I am a little paranoid, so after you reply, I may delete this if possible…

Oh, and I want to purchase your book after I complete NC to properly act post-NC!

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:51 pm

I would purchase it during NC to be honest since it talks a lot about what to do during NC.
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:57 am

Ugh sorry for so many messages, but a little about me and my mistakes: I was the UG when he met me (he is attractive himself but was nervous around me and worked really hard to get me to pay attention to him/like him, as in beginning I was a bit elusive and not looking for a relationship), I got I think clingy at times and called or texted too much, I slowed that down (we used to text and talk every day in the “honeymoon” stage so I was kind of adjusting and also to his personality of needing a quiet night every now and then), and I want to regain that status. I am very fit, take care of my skin and all that, so it’s more about getting his commitment and my high value back in his eyes in the personality realm.
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:44 am

Sorry last message: I have also been kind of making myself unseeable on messenger, but then I would make myself visible again and I would see he would then come on, and was “mirroring” me for a few days before he officially messaged me, so I had a feeling he was kind of keeping track of my availability. Perhaps this messenger is enough to let him contact me and should I just remain visible at all times then?
Complicated

April 23, 2015 at 1:40 am

By the way, I am picking him up from the airport because we are long-distance! We have been dating exclusively since last October about. Thanks!

Rachel

April 22, 2015 at 4:40 pm

Hey man,
Love the new website redesign but Jasmine is not Egyptian. She is Middle Eastern. The setting of Aladdin was inspired by Baghdad!

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:34 am

Thanks so much for the feeback!

Also, thanks for the headsup on Jasmine hahaha.

I think I even mentioned in the podcast that I was wrong about that (I had a feeling.)

Good to know going forward though.

Thanks Rachel for setting me straight.

Rachel

April 22, 2015 at 4:40 pm

Hey man,
Love the new website redesign but Jasmine is not Egyptian. She is Middle Eastern. The setting of Aladdin was inspired by Baghdad!

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:34 am

Thanks so much for the feeback!

Also, thanks for the headsup on Jasmine hahaha.

I think I even mentioned in the podcast that I was wrong about that (I had a feeling.)

Good to know going forward though.

Thanks Rachel for setting me straight.

Namy

April 22, 2015 at 12:32 pm

This new design catchs eyes better, but I prefer the old one much, much more. Because the thing makes your website the best is your ideas, your thoughts, your words, but not others. I come here because I want to READ them, I need your advice, your ideas, as an expert. It is not like when I want to have a look at a lifestyle magazin. The old design made me feel the website easier reading and more Trustable, like to listen to an exprienced expert, who cares and know about humanbeing hearts, but not a young and fashionable guy friend 😉 Anyway, it is just what I feel.

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:27 am

Thanks for the feedback!

I am still here and nothing will change content wise. I actually figured that this design would be more trustable than the other one haha.

Namy

April 22, 2015 at 12:32 pm

This new design catchs eyes better, but I prefer the old one much, much more. Because the thing makes your website the best is your ideas, your thoughts, your words, but not others. I come here because I want to READ them, I need your advice, your ideas, as an expert. It is not like when I want to have a look at a lifestyle magazin. The old design made me feel the website easier reading and more Trustable, like to listen to an exprienced expert, who cares and know about humanbeing hearts, but not a young and fashionable guy friend 😉 Anyway, it is just what I feel.

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:27 am

Thanks for the feedback!

I am still here and nothing will change content wise. I actually figured that this design would be more trustable than the other one haha.

Your avid follower

April 22, 2015 at 9:16 am

I broke up with my ex 9 months ago after we dated for a little over 2 years and my family moved away two months after that from our permanent country of residence in asia because we both study in california for college about two hours away from each other and use to see each other every weekend in college. So a semi LDR the whole time together but not really, and he didn’t chase me back because it would turn into much more of an LDR.
Shortly after we broke up he moved onto a rebound however she was his ex in high school (now their both senior in college I’m a year younger and their relationship was very turbulent never great), she was available and is super easy as well as intellectually dumb so it wasn’t hard. So it’s been a long time since they were together and there was a big gap between breaking up with her and dating me. I even almost predicted that this would happen and the rebound was clear as day however their still together and I tried absolutely everything in your book without being needy, it didn’t work and i did lots of periods of full no contact without breaking, he never contacted during. Eventually end feb I decided to call him and be honest that I still have feelings for him however I think the break up was still a good idea to disprove our insecurities like you said in your book. He still seemed pretty angry throughout the conversation was very short, told me he had move on and didn’t have feelings for me anymore and kept repeating he can’t talk to me because he had been strictly told not to and also to keep this conversation between us. Although Im sure after it he went and told her about it and used it as a baiting chip to become official or properly public about their relationship as the call was before spring break and they both ended up spending spring break publicly together.
I had a stroke of luck last week I was taking a flight from asia back to california after my spring break was over and I happened to be on the exact same flight as his dad who was coming to california only for a few days as he had work and comes often here.
From the boarding gate till I got into my car in cali we were together talking (besides the actual flight seating), I got some grade advice from him on a prestigious program I got into – impressed him throughly and even offered up my seat to him as I was in first class and he was in business. He obviously didn’t take it so I sent back the nightdress and amenities kit but he didn’t take that either however it made a great impression. I also found out that although I thought my ex would be done with his senior year after summer (he had to stay back to make up some credits as he transferred from another college) turns out he isn’t able to do them all over summer school and has to stay till dec and I finish in march after that so it increases my timeline of us being in the same place together by a lot more than expected.
Everything I did would have definitely gone straight back to my ex and his whole family as I spoke to his sister over the phone as well as his dad made me because when I ran into him he was on the phone already with her so said to her “i have a surprise for you guess who i’m with”.
This is all good news however still begs the question about how to speak to him. Since I told him how I felt about him about 1.5/2 months ago I’ve gotten no caller id calls ever since sporadically and one even yesterday which i’m certain is him because I never got them until it started that day.

Your Avid Follower

June 19, 2015 at 7:15 am

I remembered his mom’s birthday and I wished her a week ago, taking her by surprise I’m sure just like I did with his dad’s birthday a few months back however unlike his dad she still hasn’t replied to me whatsoever and is constantly online on whatsapp :/ In the past she use to reply immediately and extremely nicely
Your Avid Follower

June 6, 2015 at 9:29 pm

He literally has never been able to be alone so even if he regrets not being with me, won’t leave her out of fear. He kind of took everything he felt for me and substituted a person as long as he didn’t have to face loosing me how do I get those feelings to be displaced back to me and to willingly CHOOSE me and come back to me. All I can tell because of the calls is that he isn’t over me not entirely at least (also because normally with his past girls he always likes getting somewhat back into a chill friendship making sure they don’t hate him and having the ability to be cordial in person where as with me he’s done the opp, if we met in passing it’d be very strange). I’ve also found ways to constantly remind him of me via social media, his friends or family. I wish you had set up your paid program to be guided through step by step, I could really use it right now.
Your Avid Follower

June 6, 2015 at 9:10 am

So the last No Caller ID call I got was May 8th from him (coincidently the day it would have been one of something month anniversary) and since then I’ve gotten no calls (normally use to getting it every week or other). But i knew a few days after May 8th he left town to go back home for a few weeks until last weekend when he came back to town because to my luck he’ll be in summer school. All week I waited for a call but haven’t got one and I attributed it to sever jet lag etc plus it’s only been 5 days so wtv not over thinking it. Right before he went home he went to new york to see his girl friend and I just found out right now she’s come to see him today to the west coast. She just graduated two weeks ago so I’ve asked a friend to find out if she’ll be working in new york or going back to asia hoping to have a much larger distance put in between them that forces them to part like it had forced us 11 months ago.

She’s a 100% a rebound and they started dating soon after we broke up. I don’t know if i’ll get these calls again once she leaves but I’m kind of at my ends with this. They’ve seen each other so much despite the distance and every time she comes they just do all the things we use to do…..
Also this past week I ended up spending a lot of time with his two bestest friends in the world who I’m sure he got very mad at about because they went out of their way to meet me when I thought they would avoid me or be told to stay away as I have to my friends. I also had an extended conversation if his roommate or ex-roommate wishing him happy birthday and using that as a segway to catch up (not too sure if they still live together anymore but are still great friends) and I know that this definitely got back to him one way or another…. in a really really weird way I feel like calling this girl down to meet him was a full on retaliation to me hanging out with his best friends since he’s also extremely passive. I don’t wanna look like i’m searching for false hope but i feel like it is a retaliation.

Could you give me your opinion on the situation and his thoughts as well as what I should do?

This Sunday I’m most likely going to be in his area, will post a photo with my friends geo tagging the place but obviously can’t make contact especially knowing the girl will be in town. Next week is his mom’s birthday I’ll wish her.
If he calls after this girl leaves using No caller ID again, when I message saying I missed his called and asking why he did then bringing up the fact that I’ve gotten a lot from his number is there anything I should particularly say or mention to increase my chances of getting him back at all?
Your Avid Follower

May 12, 2015 at 8:35 pm

I’m out of no contact i’ve just fully stopped talking to him after two months ago when I called to tell him how I felt about him and got shut down. This past weekend I was also in London having a blast which he knows about and saw photos of because I was with his cousin as well. I think not talking to him or being the one to run after him for the first time might be slowly starting to work but yeah it’s really strange to be getting this calls for two months straight even while he’s been with his new girlfriend and travelling with her. The next time I get a call I guess I’ll message him that I missed his call and hopefully that will go somewhere instead of him denying it and me saying okay.
Your Avid Follower

May 12, 2015 at 4:53 am

Hi Chris,

I never got a reply to the above comment of mine.
Also at the beginning of last week I got the app Trap Call which is the only app that unmasks no caller ID numbers and shows you, I tested it using a variety of my friend’s numbers to make sure its legit and last week itself I got to actual no caller ID calls which got unmasked and turned out to be him. So this whole time for the past two months I’ve been completely right and every week or two I’ll get a call from him while he stays silent to hear my voice.
What do I do? The next time I get one should I message saying I missed his call?
Chris Seiter

May 12, 2015 at 1:18 pm

Sorry for not replying.

Wow, that’s creepy he wants to hear your voice like that..

Good for your chances but kinda creepy on his part.

Umm… If you are still in NC then keep ignoring if you are out of NC I would say work to get into a texting conversation with him.
Your Avid Follower

April 29, 2015 at 7:19 pm

So do you think theres a silver lining to all the untagging or am I thinking about it too much because I can’t seem to really rationalise it, whats your opinion?

And what should I do now to improve my chance of getting him back/him initiating conversation given he knows how I feel about him?
Your Avid Follower

April 27, 2015 at 11:22 pm

So was there any silver lining to untagging THAT many or am I dwelling on it too much because I can’t rationalize is?

Also what should I do now then?
Your Avid follower

April 26, 2015 at 5:28 am

Hi Chris,

Btw I forgot to mention this new site makes commenting so so much easier and there aren’t any bugs that don’t allow you to comment.

I read the article it only really spoke about relationship status though, neither of us ever did that because in our community it’s just something we’ve been taught, to stay a little more discreet and not explicitly a couple until your married as our circle loves to gossip especially the parents and create rumours. He goes on Facebook often but never updates his profile literally barely uses it, is extremely private that way which is why he barely uploaded and I’m a little more public. However in person I’m the one who wanted to be more discreet and he was extremely public about the relationship and told everyone and anyone he could and would be extremely PDA.

I’m still a little confusing on all the untagging as his tagged photos are hidden to the world besides probably his new girlfriend I’m guessing as was the case when we were dating and thus that many photos together would have posed an issue definitely but then left just a few.. (his current gf has me on fb therefore she’s still seen all the photos and know of their existence)
Could you give me some clarity on this and if there’s any silver lining to it as you normally talk about when discussing extreme behaviour?

Additionally between actions as such and the no caller id calls how do you suggest I progress and what should I do to improve my chances at getting him back or even at least begin speaking to me and initiate conversation as I feel I cannot after our last one was two months ago telling him my feelings and him still being angry and telling me he’s banned from speaking to me so theres not much I can say on my end? But the muted no caller id calls have happened as recently as this week.
Chris Seiter

April 27, 2015 at 10:28 pm

That was the idea with the commenting.

The muted caller ID’s is definitely an interesting way for him to reach out… haha.
Your Avid follower

April 23, 2015 at 10:25 am

I should also mention that i realised at some point this year 2015 he has untagged himself from all photos of us on fb, even from any group photos together or from any cute photo I uploaded of him solo or with my friends/brother.

No one can see his tagged photos, but when we started dating after a while he opened them up to me and only we could see each other’s but after we broke up he took me off and so im guessing he very recently must have opened them up to her and for one reason or another decided to do a complete cut from me and untag every single thing.

I don’t think anything has upset me more than that to untag from 200 odd photos all at once I don’t understand, he’s never done that before with his previous exes or anyone. Also it’s really strange he untagged from every single couply photo except for one couply but very small group photo at a surprise bday I threw him.

Also he’s only ever uploaded 3 photos and 2 display photos on FB that have me, one fb DP I made him take down while together because of family reasons the other he removed when we broke up and one mobile upload of just us he removed. But he still left the two up of me and my best friend which I thought he would have deleted if he untagged from so many of our photos basically anything I’ve uploaded that includes us/him or that anyone else has uploaded of us but one and his upload. What is the rationalisation for such extreme behaviour?
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:28 pm

I think I talk about the facebook thing here,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/why-an-ex-boyfriend-wont-make-your-relationship-on-facebook-official/
Your Avid follower

April 23, 2015 at 12:55 am

I think he is just to hear my voice but the other line is always mute, he’s always been a fan of phone pranks etc so I think he’s calling to hear my voice but won’t talk because “he’s not suppose to”.
Also on LinkedIn he joined a week ago I got a notification that one of contacts has thats how I knew and since that day I’ve had three completely anonymous views spaced out which I’ve never had either, I have premium so I can see everyone who’s viewed my profile. That might be a reach thinking it’s him but it could be as it coincides with the time.
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:50 pm

Phone pranks…

Just to hear your voice.

If that’s true then he probably still has feelings.
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:24 am

So, he is disguising his calls to you?

Your avid follower

April 22, 2015 at 9:16 am

I broke up with my ex 9 months ago after we dated for a little over 2 years and my family moved away two months after that from our permanent country of residence in asia because we both study in california for college about two hours away from each other and use to see each other every weekend in college. So a semi LDR the whole time together but not really, and he didn’t chase me back because it would turn into much more of an LDR.
Shortly after we broke up he moved onto a rebound however she was his ex in high school (now their both senior in college I’m a year younger and their relationship was very turbulent never great), she was available and is super easy as well as intellectually dumb so it wasn’t hard. So it’s been a long time since they were together and there was a big gap between breaking up with her and dating me. I even almost predicted that this would happen and the rebound was clear as day however their still together and I tried absolutely everything in your book without being needy, it didn’t work and i did lots of periods of full no contact without breaking, he never contacted during. Eventually end feb I decided to call him and be honest that I still have feelings for him however I think the break up was still a good idea to disprove our insecurities like you said in your book. He still seemed pretty angry throughout the conversation was very short, told me he had move on and didn’t have feelings for me anymore and kept repeating he can’t talk to me because he had been strictly told not to and also to keep this conversation between us. Although Im sure after it he went and told her about it and used it as a baiting chip to become official or properly public about their relationship as the call was before spring break and they both ended up spending spring break publicly together.
I had a stroke of luck last week I was taking a flight from asia back to california after my spring break was over and I happened to be on the exact same flight as his dad who was coming to california only for a few days as he had work and comes often here.
From the boarding gate till I got into my car in cali we were together talking (besides the actual flight seating), I got some grade advice from him on a prestigious program I got into – impressed him throughly and even offered up my seat to him as I was in first class and he was in business. He obviously didn’t take it so I sent back the nightdress and amenities kit but he didn’t take that either however it made a great impression. I also found out that although I thought my ex would be done with his senior year after summer (he had to stay back to make up some credits as he transferred from another college) turns out he isn’t able to do them all over summer school and has to stay till dec and I finish in march after that so it increases my timeline of us being in the same place together by a lot more than expected.
Everything I did would have definitely gone straight back to my ex and his whole family as I spoke to his sister over the phone as well as his dad made me because when I ran into him he was on the phone already with her so said to her “i have a surprise for you guess who i’m with”.
This is all good news however still begs the question about how to speak to him. Since I told him how I felt about him about 1.5/2 months ago I’ve gotten no caller id calls ever since sporadically and one even yesterday which i’m certain is him because I never got them until it started that day.

Your Avid follower

April 23, 2015 at 10:25 am

I should also mention that i realised at some point this year 2015 he has untagged himself from all photos of us on fb, even from any group photos together or from any cute photo I uploaded of him solo or with my friends/brother.

No one can see his tagged photos, but when we started dating after a while he opened them up to me and only we could see each other’s but after we broke up he took me off and so im guessing he very recently must have opened them up to her and for one reason or another decided to do a complete cut from me and untag every single thing.

I don’t think anything has upset me more than that to untag from 200 odd photos all at once I don’t understand, he’s never done that before with his previous exes or anyone. Also it’s really strange he untagged from every single couply photo except for one couply but very small group photo at a surprise bday I threw him.

Also he’s only ever uploaded 3 photos and 2 display photos on FB that have me, one fb DP I made him take down while together because of family reasons the other he removed when we broke up and one mobile upload of just us he removed. But he still left the two up of me and my best friend which I thought he would have deleted if he untagged from so many of our photos basically anything I’ve uploaded that includes us/him or that anyone else has uploaded of us but one and his upload. What is the rationalisation for such extreme behaviour?
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:28 pm

I think I talk about the facebook thing here,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/why-an-ex-boyfriend-wont-make-your-relationship-on-facebook-official/
Your Avid follower

April 23, 2015 at 12:55 am

I think he is just to hear my voice but the other line is always mute, he’s always been a fan of phone pranks etc so I think he’s calling to hear my voice but won’t talk because “he’s not suppose to”.
Also on LinkedIn he joined a week ago I got a notification that one of contacts has thats how I knew and since that day I’ve had three completely anonymous views spaced out which I’ve never had either, I have premium so I can see everyone who’s viewed my profile. That might be a reach thinking it’s him but it could be as it coincides with the time.
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:50 pm

Phone pranks…

Just to hear your voice.

If that’s true then he probably still has feelings.
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:24 am

So, he is disguising his calls to you?

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