Are YOU The Rebound For Your Ex Boyfriend?

114 thoughts on “EBR 034: Are YOU The Rebound For Your Ex Boyfriend?”

Avni

December 11, 2015 at 7:33 pm

Hey Chris

My bf and I broke up anout amonth ago and I recently found that hes dating one of his friend who has also recently been dumped. When we were together he once told me she used to get drunk and call him. But I didn’t took it much seriously but now he keeps making post on fb that suggests they’re together (but not openly).

Should I do the NC. Do I have a chance.
P.S: we dated for more than a year.
Ruby

November 21, 2015 at 3:47 pm

Love is like a vending machine. Sometimes we invest in a relationship and the snack gets stuck. There’s a urban saying that goes like this: a girl shouldn’t need a man who doesn’t need her; but is this always true? Can a girl really avoid needing someone even though they don’t need her?
I think in a society that implements so many rules, dating becomes a chess match. We always have to be incredibly logical so that we don’t make any foolish mistake. Emotions are important, but they should be controlled so that the other person doesn’t freak out.
What happens when you want someone who clearly doesn’t give a damn about you, though? That’s where I find myself right now. I think I was his rebound, but ended up falling for him. He dated a girl for four years (on and off) and it was a very turbulent relationship for all that I know of… He said he didn’t care about her anymore, not only to me but to his best friend as well. I feel clueless about him though… Oh, and the relationship with him was great, we didn’t fight and we had fun, but he said that I didn’t know him and that if we stayed together we’d end up hurt and that I didn’t deserve that. In my opinion, I think it’s a silly excuse, he probably just wants to be single… As a matter of fact, he admitted he didn’t know what he wanted so it’s all very confusing… I didn’t became a text gnat nor anything like that, I’m not that kind of girl. So we had a very clean break up, if that helps. I didn’t asked him to get back together and I even said I agreed with being friends for the time being (he said he didn’t want to be just friends with me though, he just needed some time = he tried stringing me along I think).
The last time we met (after the break up), he hugged me and kissed my neck; he also said that he liked me and that I was dumb for thinking otherwise. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship though, so I followed your advice and just stopped talking with him. I implemented the No Contact Rule for 25 days successfully, knowing from the begginning that he wouldn’t say anything, simply because he’s too stubborn to go after anyone.
I sent him my first contact text yesterday and he responded neutrally but didn’t answer my last text (which I confess wasn’t very interesting) and I didn’t say anything after that… I think he might be doing it on purpose or that he simply forgot to respond (it happens a lot with him), but the main thing is that I’m not in control anymore, and that’s not a good thing. My question would, therefore, be: what do I do now? Should I send him another text today or should I wait a few days before I act again? I’m well aware that you probably won’t be seeing this today, but it’s okay… I just really want your feedback.
I really really like this guy, Chris, but to be completly honest I love myself much more and I don’t want to look desperate, because that’s humiliating.
Cindy

October 10, 2015 at 2:49 am

Hi, Chris! I am not sure if I was a rebound girl or not. I dated with this guy for 1 half year. When we first start, I noticed that he usually go with a group of friend( include his ex, which i did not know she was his ex). Then, we had pretty good time together. Until a week ago, all of the suddent, he told me that he got back with his ex recently and broke up with me. Now, i am doing NC but it has been over a week, he did not seem like he miss me, text me or anything. It has to say that I’m more attractive than his ex, that’s why he like me. What if after NC, he still not text me. I know i have to text him back. But… I just wonder if he still miss me when he is happy with his ex? If he is not gonna reply my text, what should i do
Fay

September 4, 2015 at 5:21 pm

My boyfriend that I dated for a year broke up with me. When I tried to get back with him. He told me he loves me and cares about me but he wants to enjoy his life for right now. He told me to be patient with him.. But when I met up with him I feel like his mind is somewhere else. I do feel he loves me but I’m tired of him thinking I’m always going to be there…. I truly want to be with him but what he is doing is hurting me.
Dan

July 28, 2015 at 2:23 am

Hi Chris I hope you answer soon because I only have 3 days for my NC to end.
I’m currently at day 27 of no contact and my ex didnt try to contact me this whole time. I just read What If He Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact and I found it really helpful 🙂 But my question is if it is ok to contact him after NC even if I think I was kinda a rebound?
To make the story shorth we dated for 4 months and everything was actually pretty cool our friends always said we were just like lovebirds, I met his family (he never had introduce a girl to his parents before), he was attentive and really sweet, and out of the sudden he told me that he wasnt sure that he is ready to be in a relationship and he feels like breaking up is the right thing to do although it might not seem fair.
I found your articles the next day and learned so so much, so literally I’ve been following the NC rule since the breakup and I felt pretty optimist (despite the fact that he never tried to contact me) but last week a friend of mine told me that he is getting back with his ex before me, I dont have much info about this because my friend is now in a trip and won´t answer me until the end of August. The thing is that his ex was the very first girl that he ever had feelings for, and she actually played with his feelings and thats why he broke up with her, they were together for around 6 months although she never met his parents and they never had a date or a romantic meeting or anything because she didnt want him to get a lot of feelings, but he did and actually he liked her a lot. My ex and I started dating around 5 months after he broke up with her. So I think there is a good chance that I’m like a rebound or something, I really want to know if you think it is ok to contact him after NC period in my situation?
Thanks

Cindy

October 10, 2015 at 2:55 am

Hi, i have a same issue like you. My ex broke up with me because he got back with his ex. I can feel you. However, do you mind if i ask did he get back to you? I am so… so nervous right now because i am doing NC rule and it has been a week but he did not contact me. I do not know should i give up on him because I also feel like I am a rebound girl. Thanks Dan

Vanessa

July 18, 2015 at 9:01 pm

Ok so this is funny because I saw another Vanessa commented on this and her boyfriend’s name was Chris too…. Creepy but besides the point.

So my boyfriend of 2.5 years and I arnt exactly broken up. He spent 6 weeks in Europe and came back ignoring me and Was acting completely weird and not himself. We never did actually hang out in a normal setting because he admitted over the phone he wasn’t sure about his feelings and I got mad and dumped him over the phone. But immediately as things cooled off I realized I was being immature and so was he. So I went and met up with him with a much much better attitude and talked about how absurd it was we broke up without even hanging out and discussing the situation we were in. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue or not and was confused so I said hey I’m giving you space, figure it out. And that was three weeks ago. So by nature I started the no contact rule without even knowing it and did basically everything you say to do without even trying. I lost 10 pounds, took a spontaneous trip to Vancouver did some of the most badass shit I’ve ever done , booked my ticket to Europe for a 2 week solo excursion through Ireland and Iceland, made some really awesome new friends, and have discovered a new business passion in the process… I’ve been having a hell of a good time. Of course I’m still crazy in love with him and this whole space thing sucks but I’ve really been doing this for myself. He’s been sending me mixed messages through social media. ( I unfollowed him the night I blew but he follows me) he spent six weeks in prauge without once looking or liking anything I posted ( we were still together) now after this space thing he’s been liking a bunch of my stuff. It’s weird because honestly he feels so cold and distant I just don’t know how getting him back is possible, but you said you rate the odds of the situation. He never told why he’s feels different or really anything about what was wrong. I pretty much figured maybe I was being clingy or annoying? I have no idea… But anyway… Should I continue with hoping for improvement or move on. Moving on hurts but I’m really happy with myself so I know it’s a possibility. But also before the scenario this kid literally wrote me letters and good morning texts addressing me as the love of his life and our relationship I think is worth saving .
Jerseygirl

June 17, 2015 at 2:24 am

Hello Chris,
In terms of being a rebound, what if you met your ex from a paid online dating site? For me, he was in a relationship with someone for about 10 months, got dumped by her and signed up for Match at some point. Four months after that breakup, we met on Match and dated for three months before he called off the relationship. Would I be considered a rebound in this situation? As far as I know, he told me he hadn’t been in contact with her during our relationship as she had already moved on from him. It’s been 2 weeks tomorrow since we broke up and I have been in NC. I am interested in possibly pursuing a relationship with him again after I am done with NC as that was our only bump in the road (his feelings towards his previous relationship and not being able to give 100% to me as a result). We always had a great time together, not one fight, but I know he just needs more time to heal from his previous relationship. Any advice about what I should do after I’m done with NC?

Thank you!
Vanessa

June 16, 2015 at 7:20 am

Hi Chris, this feels kind of weird because my ex’s name is Chris as well 😉 After one month of dating he broke up with me. He told me he felt guilty, because his ex of 6 years contacted him and he missed both me and her at the same time. He got confused about his feelings, even though he says he was very serious about me and didn’t see me as a rebound. Also he said he had the most beautiful time of his life with me, but he needs time alone to forget about the bad things that happened with his ex. She had been raped, became pregnant, left him without really talking to him and moved to another country seven months ago. He says when we spent time together he was happy and sad at the same time, because he got reminded of her. I took his words with grace and a smile, which surprised him. I just really love him and wasn’t able to be angry with him. I told him I’ve been in the same kind of situation – which is true. I wanted to be there for him, but I accepted his decision to break up because I don’t want him to be sad, when he spends time with me. Right after breaking up he looked very regretful, kept holding my hand, asked me to hug him and pulled me in for a last kiss. He kept looking around in stores so he wouldn’t have to say goodbye to me yet. He told me he’s not sure if he’s making the right decision. I felt like I was more in control of my emotions than him. Chris asked me whether he can call me anytime and I said he can. I said I can’t promise I’ll wait for him. But I’m not looking for another relationship at the time. He responded he believes if it’s meant to be, it will be. “If I find you and you’re with someone else, then that’s my fate.” He called me a wonderful woman, letting me know once again what he felt was very real. Hand in hand we walked around for quite sometime in which he seemed very hesitant about his choice, because I tried to show him that I am a positive person and don’t feel resentful towards him. We ended up still laughing and joking around before the last farewell. He said “Be happy”, I responded with “I will, don’t you worry.” As soon as he was out of my sight, I felt miserable. I didn’t show him any of it, but I could still smell his cologne on my hands and it drove me crazy the entire night. He texted me saying “I will never forget you” and I responded with a positive message in which I was also honest, saying I’ll miss him. The next morning he took a picture of a tea I’ve given him as a gift before the break up and he wrote he’ll drink it while thinking of me. I’m confused about what he really wants. He says he wants to be alone, but his actions tell me he really likes me and is regretting. What should I think about this whole situation?

Kind Regards
molu

June 7, 2015 at 4:21 am

I do need a help
boo

June 1, 2015 at 1:00 pm

Chris, my boyfriend and I broke up three months ago after I read his msgs..his bn sleeping wt his ex and other females and flirting as well.. But I still have strong feelings for him.. Have tried to forget bt its hard.. I want him back although I feel like its not the best idea… Wat should I do…am messed up Chris
Melanie

May 29, 2015 at 8:23 pm

Hello Chris. I am having similar problems and not sure what to do. My ex loves playing video games so much so we don’t really share many mutual friends. We broke up for almost a month now and I recently heard from a friend who plays video game with my ex that he got back with his ex gf before me. My source is not a close friend of my ex but they just plays game together. He just heard from another friend that he was out hanging out with her. I would really love to know whether or not it’s true. I mean it hurts to hear that as soon as we broke up, he went back to her. I feel like I have the right to know if that’s the real reason why we broke up. What should I do at this point? Do I pretend not to know or do I wanna confront/ask him about it? 🙁

Jeanette

June 10, 2015 at 3:53 am

Yeah I think you should confront him and find out… Just for your own sanity. Thats exactly how I feel and what I would do and am in the process of doing. I want to know, so I can let go. Don’t go and confront him aggressively, just simply ask him.
Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:51 am

How much time does he play video games for?

CountryGirl

May 26, 2015 at 12:47 pm

Hi Chris, I have read and listened to your podcast last night. I’ve never written on one of these blogs but could use your advice. Apologies as this is long.

My ex and me started dating two months after he broke up with his ex. He said he was over her. It was pretty perfect from the start. I was upfront that I’d had some tough times in the past with relationships and he said that I could trust him. So I did. I’ve never been more compatible with anyone. We talked all the time about everything, spent a great deal of time together and had some really cool adventures doing things we both loved. He was very kind and loving and excited about future together. We were together 5 months.

However at the mid-point he went home (to another nearby city) and got drunk and kissed his ex. I found out and was going to leave him. He begged me not to. He said that it was a mistake and he was in so love with me and only wanted to see me happy forever and that he was planning the rest of our lives together. So I stayed and fell even further in love, as I felt I had to catch up with him. I was also going through a tough time with my job and he was incredibly supportive as well.

One night we were talking about moving in together. The next morning he woke up and broke up with me (two days before a big job interview). He claiming that he’d fallen out of love with me in the past 2-3 weeks (from 100% to zero) and just realised it the night before, amongst other gems. It was a horrible break-up, we were both crying (I was just so shocked) but he was totally certain. I tried to reason with him on the phone once just afterwards that evening. Then came 3 weeks of silence following by one email from him that was very business-like. I wrote back accepting the break-up. And then not a word since. The whole experience was extremely traumatic for me as I thought he was “my person” (and he had told me so) and then he disappeared into nowhere and left me alone.

I’ve since found out from his best friend (we have many mutual friends) that “100% out of love” was a lie and that he was in love with me but went back to his ex because of their “connection” they had with each other – I guess his feelings for her came back when we were together… This was even though they are were/are very incompatible and that he told his friends that I was the perfect girl for him in every way. I’m told that he told me those things as he thought it would be easier for me to move on if he said that (not true in any way, it was horrible) and that he didn’t tell me he was going back to his ex as this had happened to me with three other guys in the past. But my intuition told me very early on that the ex was a factor and that everything he said didn’t make sense.

This event was six months ago. After he wrote me, he quit his job and moved back to his city. He then tried to get back with his ex but she is resisting and didn’t/hasn’t taken him back (partly because she thinks he’ll leave their city again and apparently she also found out about me, which she didn’t know, as well). Now he is waiting around there in case she changes her mind.

I’ve been told that he has told our friends that he cares about me deeply and misses me (“but not romantically”) and asks about me often. He told that same friend however that he felt so guilty and ashamed about what he’d done and that he would have no idea what to say to me. A couple of months ago he started liking my photos but never said a word. However around the same time, I became so incredibly angry after a mutual friend told me that he claimed that he had never said he loved me that I unfriended him. Haven’t heard from him since.

I just don’t know what to believe anymore. The idea that I was lied is also very hard. My (non-mutual) friends say that it’s obvious that he never loved me, but all our mutual friends said that they were shocked by the break-up as we seemed so incredibly in love. The problem is that I still love him and I really do not know what to do. I have tried dating other people and am staying incredibly active and fun. I know that I’m a catch, I really do. But he is in my mind everyday and I find it quite hard to let go of someone who I thought was my perfect person. What should I do? What will he do? Would really appreciate any advice. Thanks!
CatPeople28

May 24, 2015 at 8:45 pm

Hello Chris, I hope you are doing very good 😀

I’ve been commenting on your website regularly and have pretty much read every article. I was just wondering if the coaching would be possible anywhere soon? Or if that’s still on your plans?

Also, I am a student from Mexico so money is a bit of an issue for me because of the exchange rate and lack of a full time job (I have a part time job), however I need and really value your advice! So I was wondering how much you think it would cost (so I can grab my savings) and how it would appear on PayPal because it has to be a secret and my parents lend me their card for the online payment (because I don’t own a card yet).

In case you are wondering, I don’t want anyone finds out because my parents would notice it and eventually would try to talk me out of this decision, but it’s mine not theirs (because of the money); plus is embarrassing, they would think that I’m begging or something of that nature. But I want to do this, need to do this, you know? I have to try every last resort so I can be comfortable with myself towards this subject, like: “I did everyting I could possibly do” . I’m doing this for me, not him.

So I hope you have time to do the coaching soon and that is affordable for me. i really need this. Thank you so much for all the effort you put on this page, it has helped me a lot. You have help me a lot, actually, even if we don’t know each other. Thank you.

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:16 am

It is still very much in the plans.

I am working on it (in tandem with a lot of other stuff.)

Ideally it will be available within the next three months.

It just depends on a lot of other little factors.

marnie101

May 20, 2015 at 5:18 am

We have been off and on for a year. sometimes me, sometimes him who ends it, but he is an amazing boyfriend, we just can’t get our act together. He is a admittedly a confused man, due to childhood and past experiences, sometimes open to seeking help, other times resisting. In the end he decided that I was the problem, and being alone or with someone else would solve this. I decided that I can’t see a future with someone who does not take action to change their life. It was the strangest breakup of my life, with no one angry, each party heartbroken and openly admitting to still loving and missing each other. He says he doesn’t trust himself, and doesn’t want to hurt me by flip flopping any more. He wants to understand himself better. And I don’t think that is bs. It’s not a line. We have both been trying to keep our distance. Things ended in a good place- I have been able to do NC for a week here and there. BUT- I screwed up last night. I asked him to call me bc I lost it or something and we got back into discussing our relationship and he broke and promise and I lost it! I said horrible things like “I can’t wait to BEEP someone else” and how much better in bed this other guys was and I know that was the thing that would hurt him the most. I told him I hated him I would never take him back and I would be blocking and deleting him and F you and all this crazy deeply horrible and regrettable stuff. I sent him a sincere apology this morning while still being firm that I would never let him back into my life again (lie), asked him not to contact me, and said goodbye. He had already blocked me from Facebook which is so unlike him. But I told him to. I also texted to apologize. I’m not surprised by no response I just hate this is the way things ended. How can I NC after all of this. Hes a good man who knows my heart, and I want him to be happy with or without me, although I would prefer with me. Did he block my emails and phone number too? How will I know he got the message? And how can I move forward knowing all of the horrible things that I said. I just feel so awful on top of being rejected. Advice?

Chris Seiter

May 20, 2015 at 2:50 pm

You read the off again on again post right?

Helena

May 18, 2015 at 5:41 pm

Hey! I have read the whole webpage and your book but still need your advice.

Me and him broke up a year ago. We kept living together alfor 6 months. At first it was hard. He told me he cares about me but he doesn’t want a relationship. And he never loved me – the last part was hard to believe. Btw, I was the one breaking up. But every minth we ended up sleeping together. Then he started telling me that he loved me (in the past tense) but he doesn’t want to be with me. I mived out in friendly terms – we never had fughts but elevery month there was a moment we taljed about us and I saw him cry a bit. He contacted me a month later. He was nervous. We met a few times and once he ever contacted my parents in a foreign country because he was worried when he couldn’t reach me.

Anyways, months passed and I saw him and his friends. We ended up at his place. He told me so many times that he loves me and wants to have a baby with me and he always loved me and he has been so worried about me while I was out climbing. The thing is, he was drunk. At the same time he did get a bit (just slightly) more emotional when drunk while we were dating but nothing like that.
His friends were trying to hook us up and gave me hints about starting a fanily with him.

Well, after that night We woke up sober and kissing and happy. Met a few days later and he acted as nithing had happened.

A month passed again – saw him tomorrow. Again, we both happened to be on a big party. He came to my place. Told me even more times how much he loves me, that he wants me to be his girlfriend again, that he is dreaming about me at nights. And the first time ever we were stupid enough even not tu use a condom! And he has been so good with using it even when very drunk.
In the morning – both sober – I asked him about what he said last night about him living me. He told me “i lied, really, it was a lie”. He wanted to have sex again and I told him that I don’t want to (first time ever). He was surprised but respectful. I explained why – that I don’t want to be his playgirl too much. That he should at least call me more often.

He sent me a small text today but now I am just waiting.

But my question… What is happening? I do know the things I am doing wrong. At the same time he is not a dating kind of guy – dates, meals, flowers, nothing. I think he has some deeper issues with that.

But could he really be telling me lies – while he already has me naked between his arms. About loving and missing me and wanting me back?

Or he just turns too cocky while sober and doesn’t want to admit it out loud that he wants me back?
How should I continue. I should mention also that it has been sooooo difficult to meet up with him until now. He can be stubborn.

Thanks!

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 7:15 pm

I would give him some mixed signals to be honest.

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114 thoughts on “EBR 034: Are YOU The Rebound For Your Ex Boyfriend?”