The Three Stages Of Love With Your Ex

156 thoughts on “EBR 036: The Three Stages Of Love With Your Ex”

M.

June 18, 2015 at 6:33 pm

Hi! I went on a date with a guy and he was very clear and honest with me, from what he said I got that he doesn’t really want a relantionship but just have a good time. He speaks to me on fb sometimes but just in a friendly tone..I’m wondering is there a way of ”changing” his mind and make him actually want a relantionship with me??he’s 4 years older than me..about 28.. It’s a good age to settle down but he told me that at some point he lived together with a girl but they broke up..from what I undertood that must have been at least a year ago. the one and only time we went on a date yes he tried to go further when we were at his Car but I stopped him when he got further than kissing cause I needed to expain some things like that I’m not ‘experienced’..That’s then when he told me that he just wants to have a good time and that he doesn’t want to put pressure on me,that he doesn’t see it like anybody is taking advantage of the other..I really liked him cause it’s the First time I kiss someone that’s as good as my ex ..so we continued without having sex..But now it’s been weeks since we talked..and I saw he he commented on a girls photo that he added aftyer me and we’re mutual friends,showing they have some kind of contact..What I do so wrong?? any hopes? What can i do?
Whitney

June 18, 2015 at 7:19 am

Hi Chris!
I’m in a very similar situation as Shannon from the podcast. My ex-boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me this Monday. It was completely unexpected and I was (am) heartbroken but we did met up the following Tuesday at a Starbucks to exchange personal items. I kept calm, didn’t care or beg for him back during our conversation of 1.13 hours (time flew) and I asked him why he wanted to break up. He informed me couldn’t/wouldn’t make time for me and how he’ll never choose me over his friends( his friends are his life) and that he didn’t want to put in the work but that he loved and cares for me and he wants us to be friends and he’s here if I need him. I told him I needed time and space to heal, so I enacted the NC from the jump. My question to you is it worth my time to pursue my ex or be open to communication with him after 30 days? We were talking marriage, kids, etc just a few months ago and beside being overly invested in toxic friendships he’s my ideal mate.

Thank You!

Whitney

June 18, 2015 at 3:22 pm

Honestly, no. When we first stated dating I informed him that I didn’t want to waste my time random people and who ever I dated I’m looking for someone to possible build a life with down the line and he was in agreement. He said he loved me 2 months (officially) into the relationship, I met his mother and father during the Christmas holiday 3 months into our relationship (they adore me) and he met mine. Me and his mother have fantastic relationship and he ended it Monday so I wouldn’t get to see her this Friday. He always brought up the idea or moving into together, traveling, kids, marriage- changing my last name frequently, That’s why it’s so shocking and unexpected. Other then that we both weren’t in the position to have kids or be married at this time and we knew it. He’s a PhD student and I work, but it was the goal for the future.
Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Do you think the serious talk of marriage, kids, etc scared him off?
Whitney

June 18, 2015 at 7:28 am

Also I wanted to point out myself and my ex weren’t big on social media. I have an Instagram and he has Snapchat. Neither party has the opposite or Facebook.

xyz

June 18, 2015 at 3:51 am

Hey Chris help me,
After 1 month, me and my boyfriend will tell eachother about our decision about marriage that if we have courage to stand for our relation or we should end our relation. we are indian and belong to different castes so our marriage is difficult coz our families are very orthodox.
Though we love eachother a lot and nobody knows about our relationship but still this marriage decision is very hard one.
I am clear with my decision that I wanna marry him and I am ready to fight with society for our relation but I fear that he is not so bold. what if he leaves me fearing from his family and yes he loves his family too much. This is very crucial for us!
What should I do for one month…should I try to convience him or what to do? what if he decides to leave me…I will be shattered…
I know he loves me like hell but this Intercaste marriage and love marriage issue is very serious in our culture and rarely acceptable.
I am feeling fearful…how to convience him and how to be emotionally prepared for his decision…
(we are in LDR, he’s busy businessman 25 yrs old and I am 22, student…he’s not fond of texts so we only talk on call when he is free and do not text)
How to approach this situation.
Rebecca

June 18, 2015 at 3:44 am

Hey, Chris. I tried to send a Speakpipe message but I don’t think I did it correctly lol. I have a question though. Basically, I finished NC awhile ago. As a matter of fact, we haven’t had contact in 10 weeks. We were on good terms in April but he just stopped contacting me. Last thing he said was he would “text me sometimes”. So I never answered and waited for a text I never got. I don’t think he’s dating anyone, though. Pretty sure he’s focused on going into the military. For some reason I’m scared to contact him because I’m afraid of rejection! How do I get over this?? I’m also afraid he’s not going to care because of all the time that has passed. What kind of text should I send? Thanks
Megan

June 17, 2015 at 11:38 pm

Hi Chris

Basically, there’s this guy. He isn’t technically an ex boyfriend, but we have been talking for about a month. At the beginning, we had both said that we try to avoid relationships because they get complicated. Anyways, as time went on, we started to get more serious about each other. We started skyping every night for about a week or or so, and we had established that we wouldn’t be flirting with other people, and he told me that he was having a hard time staying single because he wanted to date me, and I confessed the same thing. Everything was great for a while, but a few days ago, I had gotten upset that he took too long to reply (it often took 12 or more hours to reply or he wouldn’t even reply at all) and had tried to confront him about it. He told me to stop being such a drama queen and I apologized. About two days later, I sent him a message, and he told me that he was hurt that I accused him of not caring about me, and that he usually doesn’t use his phone much anyways. He then told me that didn’t want to get serious, but he still wants to remain friends. I’m not exactly sure if I should implement the NC rule or not, since we weren’t even official and I hadn’t been talking for him for long. Whenever we talk, he’s usually extremely fun to talk to and he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. I don’t know if he is still interested in me or not since he still takes just as long to reply, and I haven’t had much of a chance to have a long conversation with him.
Jessica

June 16, 2015 at 4:45 pm

Chris! So I did no contact with me ex about two months ago. First initiation text was really positive. Second text was a little short so I let it be and we haven’t spoke for about a month. I called him to ask if he was ok with me going to his best friends party and also a mutual friends wedding which we are both in the bridal party. We talked completely casual both of us. Like I didn’t get a lot of detection of anything beyond friendship. He offered to fix my car. So last night he fixed my car and we went out to dinner afterwards. There were a couple comments threw out the night. Then at the end of the night he told me while I was leaving I needed to be the one to stop anything physical because he doesn’t have any will power. I just laughed and said goodnight. He asked me what I ment by that and I just left. Then he messaged me saying sorry I told him not to be that we are very physical attracted to each other. Then he said he would come over right than and sleep with me but probably shouldn’t cause of my emotions. Pretty much I made some flirty responses and stopped texting him. Than he got upset said I’m glad you had fun messing with me. I’m done you win. so pretty much he is trying to see if he can get away with friends with benefits. I was wondering should I get serious and establish my boundaries. Or just flirt and be casual. Even though either way I’m not sleeping with him. Please let me know. I’m seeing him tonight! Love all your work! Your the best!!! 🙂

Jessica

June 22, 2015 at 7:28 pm

Chris!

Horrible luck! I woke up the next morning and my car didn’t work. He had to take me to work and fix my car. He dropped me off at my car with his tools. We acted normal. I joked with him saying I thought he ruined my car last night after he got upset. anf he just joked with me back. I had his tools and dropped them off at his house, gave him a hug said thanks for fixing my car, and turned to leave. He said I had nice shorts on I said thanks and left. So, I should I just stop being flirty and just tell him flat out I’m not going to sleep with him? Do you still think I have a chance to get him back?
Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 2:00 pm

Hi Jessica,

I think boundries are always good but I am curious if he messaged you again after he had his little outburst and didn’t get his way?

Shannon

June 16, 2015 at 1:16 pm

Hi Chris,
I don’t know if you remember me, but I used to be on this site allllll the time. I’m over my ex, and I do not want to get back together with him. This Saturday I am going to wedding and he is going to be there. I’m over him, but at the same time I’m still nervous. Any advice on what I should do/ how I should I act?

Shannon

June 16, 2015 at 5:46 pm

It’s really weird. I really don’t want to get back together with him, but at the same time I want him to see me and be like damn what did I give up. So I don’t care, but at the same time I do. And I’m also really nervous. Is it normal to feel like this?
Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 2:01 pm

Well, looking hot should take care of that.

What you are feeling is completely normal.
Shannon

June 16, 2015 at 5:41 pm

I’m bringing my best friend with me. She’s a girl and we just wanna go and have a good time. I am gonna look my very best, everyone says I look smoking hot in my dress haha. But thank you for the advice!
Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 2:01 pm

That’s good too.
Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:33 pm

I remember you Shannon.

Welcome back.

Are you taking anyone with you?

Look the best you have ever looked and definitely bring someone if you aren’t already. An attractive guy friend is what you are going for here.

Act very confident and let him dictate whether or not you talk.

Ella

June 15, 2015 at 11:59 pm

Hi Chris,
Thank you for all the help you give us. I was in LDR for almost a year. The last time we saw each other he broke it off saying that he can’t handle the distance anymore and he basically left in the middle of an argument. We haven’t been in touch for almost 2 months, before I reached out to him with text. I got a positive response and we have been texting for a few months now, in the last month we have been sending each other a text or two a day almost everyday, building the attraction by talking about how we meet and what we liked about each other. Then he just stopped. Almost 2 weeks later I had a birthday and he sent me a nice text and also a message, because he wasn’t sure I got the text on whatsapp. I thanked him and tried to restart the conversation we had before by asking what made him fall for me. He said he doesn’t really know as men don’t dissect their feelings as much as women do and that’s all irrelevant now. I must admit that before this one month of building attraction by texting I sort of friendzoned him when I mentioned that I started seeing someone new (not anymore now). Throughout our texting he indicated that long distance was too hard for him and that he needs someone close by. At the moment we are still living in two different countries. I have finished my studies and I’m working now, but I’m free and also willing to move as I would be able to find a job where he is. However, he is only aware of the fact that we are still living apart. I have two questions that are sort of contradicting each other:
1. It has been almost 5 months since we got in contact again, we have been communicating and sort of building the attraction again, but there hasn’t been any real indication that we would get back together again. However, he apologized for the pain he caused me with the break up. Is it time to give it up on him?
2. If not, how can I make the conversation flow again and continue to build the attraction?

Ella

June 17, 2015 at 11:23 pm

Hi Chris,
Thank you for your reply. I already read all the LDR articles and listened to the podcasts on the LDR topic.
What I’m wondering now is if after 5 months is time to stop trying. At this stage is “putting all cards on table”, letting him know how I feel an option? Is this ever a good option?
Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:34 pm

Long distance is tough.

Did you have a chance to look over my long distance relationship articles. I think you will definitely find what you are looking for there.

bees

June 15, 2015 at 4:15 pm

Hi Chris, I have a very complex situation with a long distance ex boyfriend. I’m half way through NC and although he said he doesn’t want to not talk to me, he’s not even texting me now. We used to talk all the time when we were together not that long ago, and we have a lot of great memories (he broke up with me out of the blue saying he “couldn’t commit”). Now I’m super confused. I’m scared that at the end of the NC period he will have forgotten me completely. What do you think?

bees

June 16, 2015 at 6:07 pm

Thanks for your answer! I’m not worried about him responding, but just the way he will do it (very cold & distant now). Also this is a long distant relationship…
Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:35 pm

Hi there,

Congrats on making it halfway through NC.

Don’t focus so much on the fact that he isn’t texting you like you want him to be. Remember, you want to dictate things AFTER NC so if I was you I would really focus on preparing texts that you know he will find it impossible not to respond to.

Jessie

June 13, 2015 at 11:37 pm

It’s over… despite the amazing date he didn’t want to go on a second date and said he doesn’t want to lead me on until he has a better grip on the situation, in case he goes on a bunch of dates with me and decides to end it after that anyway… If you have any suggestions, let me know, but if not, just delete this comment… thanks 🙁

Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:36 pm

What did he say exactly to you about this?

Are you just assuming this?
Jessie

June 17, 2015 at 6:49 am

Nope, not just assuming it, he said he wants to go through with the divorce…

Mina

June 12, 2015 at 10:43 pm

Hi Chris. Thanks for this amazing site!! I’m from Israel so my English isn’t perfect. excuse me if I have mistakes. Anyways.. my Ex is a soccer player and today his team won the semifinals. I’ve successfully finished the 30 day NC 2 days ago and today when he uploaded a picture about his team winning I texted him saying I was very happy for him and I will hold my fingers crossed for them in the finals. His response was very positive, he wrote: “Thank you so much! I really appreciate it, we faught hard today I can’t feel my body” then he sent a kissing Emoji (), I sent it back.
How do I proceed from here?
Thank you for your help!!

Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:38 pm

Yes I think you messed up a bit.

A congrats text isn’t the kind of strong text you are looking for.

But I think the fact that he sent th ekissing emoji is a good sign.

heather

June 12, 2015 at 4:04 am

I think i’m in love with a special breed of man…he’s not exactly my ex..but he disappears and reappears ..theres another situation going on that he has to deal with..I know he’s lusting over me..and very much attracted to me..i’d like to think when he and i do hang out i leave him wanting more..he acts like it..but then obviously i’m not doing something right if he pulls away..

when he first pulled away and wasnt talking to me..i posted selfies..which later i learned he liked..he knows i have a lot of admirers on fb (i call them creepers/stalkers) but he thought i was going out on a date..and thus he said he left me alone..

sooo confused

heather

June 18, 2015 at 6:48 am

quite possibly..theres sooo much more to this situation..i left a voicemail message last week explaining everything..hopefully it went through..thank you
Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:39 pm

Sounds like he is using that mixed signals tactic on you.

Cate

June 11, 2015 at 6:51 pm

Hi! My boyfriend left me about six weeks ago and I did NC for a little over 30 days. I have contacted him once with an interesting text and he replied and we texted for a while and then I ended the conversation at the high point. I still didnt feel like I left him wanting for more and I feel like he replied me just because he’s trying to be a good guy. Now I feel like he just sees me as another girl who he feels he has to reply so he wont be a jerk. How do I make him more attracted and how do I make him want to text me?

Cate

June 18, 2015 at 6:20 am

He said he wanted to be friends after the breakup so I wasn’t worried about him not answering so i sent him this: hey how are you doing? I just visited (name of this restaurant we both love) and ate your favourite dish, it made me think of you.
Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:40 pm

What was the text you sent him?

Like give me the exact text.

Avelia

June 11, 2015 at 3:19 pm

I am extremely interested in coaching! I will keep a diligent eye on the website (I was going to buy PRO next week anyway). So excited you’re doing this!!

Chris Seiter

June 16, 2015 at 4:41 pm

Hi Avelia,

We are definitely going forward with the consultations.

I will be giving you an update soon and creating a special email list that you can opt into that will act like a waiting list for the consulting.

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156 thoughts on “EBR 036: The Three Stages Of Love With Your Ex”