Breaking The Long Distance Barrier With An Ex

106 thoughts on “EBR 004: Breaking The Long Distance Barrier With An Ex”

Ashley

February 28, 2015 at 4:45 am

Hey Chris I’m the one who asked this question….could I email you about a conversation I just had with my ex? It’s really weird….and he’s acting like he has a huge inflated ego all of a sudden haha I’m so confused now!

admin

March 1, 2015 at 6:48 pm

Go ahead and email me!
Ashley

March 1, 2015 at 8:18 pm

Sent! Thanks 🙂
admin

March 2, 2015 at 9:21 pm

Ashley, I am so sorry to do this to you but my support email went down.

I have since created a new one at [email protected] can you email it to me there?
Ashley

March 3, 2015 at 1:35 am

Oh no that’s totally fine! Thanks for the info though, I will email you right now 🙂
admin

March 3, 2015 at 9:48 pm

No problem Ashley!

I got your email.

Danielle

February 23, 2015 at 7:01 am

Hi Chris,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 27 months, 7.5 months ago and really really want to get back with him. As soon as we broke up shortly after he rebounded on his last previous serious ex from high school who he had many fling’s with before dating me over a year and a half after they broke off. I’ve done everything you’ve said, tried to work on myself/extensive no contact/then on n off contact after building rapport through texting then no contact again when it didn’t work out etc. I’m kind of at the end of my wits, although things have been easier to bare/witness/digest it still hasn’t changed any of my feelings for him and at this point I feel like I have no choice but to call calmly and ask for a meet as there are certain things I need to talk to him about weather we proceed to be just friends/more/nothing at all after the conversation but he needs to know how I feel and I don’t want to live with the what if regret even though i know i’m in the complete right and he’s in the wrong. He’s still with his rebound ex who studies on the east coast while he studies on the west coast near me so I know it’s a genuine emotional crutch and the easiest thing to have gotten as a rebound as she was there available and he knew what to do/say. Would really appreciate your advice? I also want to have the conversation I kind of broke it off with him over text not entirely intentional but it happened anyways and after which we never met to have a conversation and discuss anything, previous to which there was 6 weeks of LDR between us which is why it happened and 2 months after the break up I moved cities.

Danielle

April 9, 2015 at 4:35 pm

I sent it to [email protected] as well, please please help! I’m literally willing to do anything you say in order to get him back and I have the determination and discipline.
admin

February 23, 2015 at 9:41 pm

So, his rebound is also an LDR?
Danielle

February 27, 2015 at 8:07 am

Yeah his rebound relationship is his ex from years ago who had made his life a complete hell and their relationship was not good at all. And yes she is a further away LDR than me the only pro she has is that she lives in the same home city as him that I moved away from so eventually by the end of summer around aug/sept they’ll be living in in the place.
I currently am very accessible to him.
Danielle

February 27, 2015 at 8:26 am

I also placed the call to him tonight and it didn’t quite go in my direction.

I remain calm and confident as a ninja like you said I had completely prepped myself for the absolute worse so that I wouldn’t have a reaction to anything.
My main points to him were:
-People have come and told me a lot of thing that he’s been saying about me when we had broken up out of anger and that i know it was and that it’s bad reactions but he’s not a BAD person so I shut them down instantly.
-Asking why he was so angry with me because it seems so in the last 7 months and I just want to communicate+be open
-The break up was a good idea to realise our insecurities were baseless and we actually had nothing to worry about and we could have only realise that through a break up.
-I’ve grown from it and no longer care about those little things
-We’ve been through so much together and I still have feelings for him and that I really care for him

He told me:
-he really can’t talk to me if i know what he means (told to stay away).
-maybe in a few months can be friends but we just can’t talk right now there needs to be a lot of time till we can
-doesn’t have feelings for me at all
-has moved on
-he just can’t do this right now and doesn’t want to and doesn’t see the point (kept repeating he can’t talk to me right now)

I left it with thats fine i just wanted to tell you how I feel because I never want to have any regrets and I’ll always be there for him, just a call away. he said so will he in a very clearly just saying this as a wtv responds to me and I said thanks and we hung up.

He was so worked up through it all and seemed so angry/tired/frustrated that the words he was saying were said to hurt me which he knew it would and not because he meant it.
If nothing else i really just hope i got into his head and reality checked him into addressing his emotions and addressing the different between me and his rebound, a wake up call that get him really properly thinking about me and also how his words were very hurtful when I called to be very nice, be there for him and inquire how his sister’s wedding wen that just happened over valentines day.

What is a guy’s perspective on this, it was a 6 minute call and he said to keep it between us and not tell anyone multiple time (clearly because he didn’t want her to find out). Is any of this useful/good or have I just struck out lost all hope of anything now?
Danielle

March 2, 2015 at 8:14 pm

Over the weekend (3 days post our conversation) he was 5 mins away from me in the vacinity with his cousin from out of town visiting a friend down the road which is not very common for him to be in my area, did not contact me at all but met someone I very very recently became friends with ( 2 weeks ago) and was casually inquiring about me to this asking if he knows me and why and told him we use to date when this guy never brought me up but my ex did.

Would really appreciate your insight on everything!
Danielle

March 6, 2015 at 7:29 pm

Been waiting for your reply please help Chris !
admin

March 7, 2015 at 6:06 pm

Whats up Danielle.

I kind of dropped the ball on the reply here Danielle.

I apologize.
Danielle

March 10, 2015 at 9:21 am

How do you think I should Persue
He knows about my feelings but I addressed that the break up was still a good idea and stayed very calm and pleasant told him I wasn’t mad at him at all, he’s in a rebound with an ex who he had a horrible relationship in the past with and shes a much longer ldr than even me.
I also have been recently getting sporadic no caller ID calls past midnight where the other line is absolute silent and i think it may be him because I never ever get them and it only start right after I called him the first time when he purposely didn’t pick up (after which he picked up when I tried the second time an hour later).
Danielle

March 24, 2015 at 6:54 am

I don’t doubt it either but I don’t know how to proceed from here.

This weekend that just past I found out that his current gf/previous ex visited him via my best friend that has her on snapchat. Also from Facebook photos I think she was here with her sister and her sister’s friend but i’m not entirely sure however within a week span they were both here so it makes sense that they must’ve been together.

He took her to the place he had told me when we first met that he wanted to take me as well as the next day the most touristy spot in LA which is where we had our first LA date when I eventually came here to study.
Although during her weekend here I posted on Facebook how I was being awarded with a trophy and scholarship at a huge college event. No doubt he definitely saw, moreover my last week was spent in mexico and vegas for spring break and my best friend put up photos of me looking fantastic.

I feel like I’ve exhausted myself and tried every approach to break down his barriers and get him to be less angry i’ve even calmly and strategically told him exactly how I feel about him.

I could really use your advice on what more to do now? Or your take on everything that’s happening. I really do believe we still belong together but understand this was a necessary growing up/maturing process for us as we cared about too many petty things. It feels like deja vu all over again before I started dating him when he was with the same girl and i literally waited on the sidelines fro two years until he woke up and realised what he would loose if he didn’t act soon.
Danielle

April 2, 2015 at 5:03 am

I don’t have anymore time in no contact, i’ve tried it several times over and during none of those times has he ever reached out it’s been me eveytime and he mostly replies when I do.

Everyone has asked me that tons of times and I definitely think he is, they asked me that initially when I started dating him and heavily questioned my decision but i eventually had every last one of them eat their words back and I truly know I could do it again if given the chance. I listened to podcast 16 and I couldn’t be more certain on my decision to get him back, if we got back together we’d have a very strong future together as we had planned since we were very strong while together and everything works in our favour in terms of same community and family values/relations/religion.

They broke up at the end of junior year of high school and we only got together towards the end of his freshman year in college. It was after my brother’s wedding when he saw all these gorgeous photos of me go up and hear about everyone speaking of me and he knew if he didn’t act someone else would have. His entire freshman year of college is when we got particularly close and spoke almost every day. When it came to his spring break he flew back to Hong Kong for that week just to ask me out and the entire ordeal was extremely romantic.

I’m told by one of her friends that him and the girl only recently officially became “official” and public give by the sudden snapchats over spring break which make sense. And I’m pretty sure my call to him expressing my feelings is what he was able to use as bait to make her commit or maybe they officialized right before i called sometime in febuary I don’t know exactly. But i’m sure it made them much stronger, he could have shown he chose her or he could have gotten her to commit and become public as they both knew for sure now that he had another very viable option.

I’ve emailed you with the more upto date recent things i’ve found out with more detail of the entire story at [email protected]. Your my last straw to getting him back I really appreciate all your help and I couldn’t be more grateful. I’m sure you get swamped with emails but if you could reply mine ASAP i’d really appreciate given that next week is would have been our 3rd anniversary and that after summer he’ll be gone back to Hong Kong away from me and the girl is in his year too and will most likely be back in Hong Kong too as she’s from there as well.
admin

March 29, 2015 at 2:17 pm

Great job with the subtle facebook posts. How much longer do you have left in no contact?

Do you think this guy is worth your time? You already spent two years waiting around for him. Check out the podcast episode 16.

To answer your specific questions: It sounds like your ex is the type of guy to go back and forth between a couple of women. It happens a lot in the early to mid-20’s age group and sometimes older depending on the guys maturity level. I wouldn’t be shocked if he runs back to you again eventually but do you really want a guy like this? Let me ask you, did he leave her for you? Or did they just happen to break up and you were there waiting? As far as advice goes, you will have to make him jealous but not to jealous and get back to the point where you two are talking again but using the push-pull method.
Danielle

March 27, 2015 at 2:38 pm

I just found out via snapchat again that she still is here solo (basically has been for a week) staying at his where I use to almost every weekend and it looks like their doing fun cute things in addition he’s taking her to the places I use to organise our dates specifically one of the places was where I organised my present/dinner etc for our 2nd anniversary and he had told me just how much he loves it and appreciated.
He isn’t on spring break yet he goes on next week so I don’t know what he’s gonna be doing..
I also know these weeks/weekends together only make a couple stronger than ever.
She definitely was a instant rebound as she was just there available and easy immediately after the break up and they have history so he knew how to get her back. (He never stays single, is that kind of person that needs someone but always wants something serious) We were together for over 2 years longer than they ever were and 100x better than they ever were ( their relationship in high school was awful and he was always flirting with other) he completely changed with me and I know it was the real deal with us.
I know we are meant to be etc. but currently I can’t help but feeling like i’ve played a side role, he even gave me a cartier promise ring on our first anniversary and was more into the relationship than me for a lot of it constantly told me i was the love of his life and the best thing that ever happen to me and he can’t afford to loose me. But i genuinely need your advice i’m pretty out of options or ideas? I’m hurt and emotionally/mentally exhausted seeing and reading into everything. Don’t know if he’s purposely taking her to the same places to replace memories or what but I’d think that makes him think of me more?
Danielle

March 24, 2015 at 6:58 am

The only sign of anything from his end are the sporadic no caller id calls i’ve gotten since I confessed how I felt for him. In a week and a half it would have been 3 years together if we still were.
Danielle

March 12, 2015 at 8:38 am

?
Danielle

March 24, 2015 at 10:08 pm

I just found out via snapchat again that she still is here solo staying at his where I use to almost every weekend and it looks like their doing fun cute things in addition he’s taking her to the places I use to organise our dates specifically one of the places was where I organised my present/dinner etc for our 2nd anniversary and he had told me just how much he loves it and appreciated.

He isn’t on spring break yet he goes on next week so I don’t know what he’s gonna be doing..

I also know these weeks/weekends together only make a couple stronger than ever.

She definitely was a instant rebound as she was just there available and easy immediately after the break up and they have history so he knew how to get her back. (He never stays single, is that kind of person that needs someone but always wants something serious)
We were together for over 2 years longer than they ever were and 100x better than they ever were ( their relationship in high school was awful and he was always flirting with other) he completely changed with me and I know it was the real deal with us.

I know we are meant to be etc. but currently I can’t help but feeling like i’ve played a side role, he even gave me a cartier promise ring on our first anniversary and was more into the relationship than me for a lot of it. But i genuinely need your advice i’m pretty out of options or ideas? I’m hurt and emotionally/mentally exhausted seeing and reading into everything.
Daniella

March 16, 2015 at 9:03 am

Continued:
His dad: How’s (country I moved to)?

Me: You too!!
I haven’t gotten to spend much time there yet but so far so good

His dad: Take care my dear
Have a blessed week

Me: Thank youu
Hope you have the best day
admin

March 18, 2015 at 7:09 pm

Oh I see.

I am sure that his dad will relay the conversation to him.
Daniella

March 16, 2015 at 9:01 am

I happen to remember it was his dad’s bday and i really like his family and have always had a good relationship with them so I wish his dad from out of the blue and I know my ex use to be really happy when I would wish them without him telling me to while together.

Me: “Happy Birthday Uncle!! Hope the rest of the year brings as much happiness as the start has! :)” (in refrence to his sister’s wedding thst just happened)

His dad: Hi Daniella
Good to hear from you
Thank you
admin

March 18, 2015 at 7:08 pm

I see, did the conversation just go like that?

Was it any longer?
Daniella

March 15, 2015 at 7:19 am

What is your advice on the entire situation?
It was his dad’s bday today and I had a great text convo with his dad today.
admin

March 15, 2015 at 5:29 pm

What did you talk about with his dad?
admin

March 13, 2015 at 8:01 pm

??

Whats up?

Ricci

February 22, 2015 at 10:13 pm

Hi, Chris. I bought your eBook Christmas and devoured it in one sitting. Needed more specific help though. My ex-boyfriend and I will meet up in a month’s time, flying there to the U.S. (currently working in South America) to attend a conference near his area. I reached out to him September last year and we’ve been communicating eversince via email once or twice/week on the average. He has a girlfriend, said he met her in April last year. We broke up because of long distance. I’m a foreign national so couldn’t stay in the country indefinitely to be near him.

How do I approach our first meeting? We’re going to get lunch to catch up and also he asked for a day to spend time with me before I fly back. Will only be staying for a few days in the States and I wanted our meeting to be positive. I am trying hard to have zero expectations but it’s difficult as I still believe that we’re meant to be together.

I’d really appreciate your help in my situation.

Thanks in advance,
Ricci

admin

February 23, 2015 at 9:30 pm

Thanks for the purchase and that thing you emailed me about… I took care of it 😉 .

Be super pleasant in the first meeting and just try to have fun.

Kim

February 21, 2015 at 12:00 am

I’m sorry I can’t record a message due to technical issues. And you can’t give me response without my message, right?
Can you tell me here few things if there is no other way?
I’m really curious.You have to admit this is really challenging.

admin

February 21, 2015 at 12:11 am

Darn… Technical issues are pretty annoying.

I can tell you here I suppose.

What specific questions do you want me to answer?
Kim

February 21, 2015 at 10:57 am

1.Will he come around again like he did 100 times before?
Does the circle ever end?
2.Is it possible for a girl to become ungettable in situations like this?
3.If you play your cards right would relationship work out?
4.Is there game plan for this?
I just want to stop being his plan B all the time.
admin

February 22, 2015 at 4:54 pm

1. Depends on a lot of factors but history often does repeat itself.
2. I think its possible but its really up to the girl.
3. Absolutely
4. What specific situation do you want one for?
Kim

February 22, 2015 at 5:29 pm

How do i increase my value in his eyes and turn the tables?
I saw him yesterday tagged on picture with a girl. And she putted heart in a comment, and we broke up month ago. I’ve never been so confused in my life.
P.S They were before ”a thing” never serious.
admin

February 22, 2015 at 5:37 pm

Its just a heart.

I wouldn’t get freaked out too much.

What was the comment exactly?
Kim

February 22, 2015 at 5:50 pm

I don’t know it seemed to me that they are again a thing. But knowing him it won’t last. He is like a wind. What do you think i should do about my situation?
admin

February 23, 2015 at 9:13 pm

What are you doing currently about your situation?
Kim

February 23, 2015 at 9:37 pm

Well i’m doing something about my looks, updated my garderobe, changed my haircolor. I honestly feel better and pretty. I’m basacly working on myself. I’ve been in NC for month and a half.
Kim

February 24, 2015 at 3:02 pm

You know now that you said that relationship could work out if i played my cards right, and it got me thinking and i can tell you that i didn’t play right i was blinded with my emotions. He knew that i’m not going anywhere, like i told you before i was too available. But i think that he cared for me. He was always comparing us and he was always so happy and surprised that we are so much alike and have so much in common. I think the problem was that he got bored in the relationship and that’s why he walked away from me. And i made one mistake after the break up i texted him he didn’t reply and after i texted him again and said ”Don’t ignore me and tell me what is wrong, don’t be so childish.” he didn’t reply again, but then i didn’t knew what i know now. So my another question is can boredom be fixed and does he find me annoying now and how can that be fixed too?
admin

February 24, 2015 at 9:53 pm

Sure boredom can be fixed but often time it is hard to accomplish. You have to get… creative!

Ashley

February 20, 2015 at 1:17 am

You are awesome! Thank you!!!

And you are totally right about the distance holding him back. Before we broke up, he did mention a few times the fact that when I go to graduate school I will be moving away (only for 2 years but still) so this was obviously something that upset him. Guess he needs a reminder that once I finish school I’m ready to go wherever he goes haha.

This was so helpful I can’t wait to use this information!

admin

February 20, 2015 at 11:43 pm

I think that is the biggest headwind you will have to overcome Ashley!

Thanks for having the guts to record a message!

Becca Smith

February 20, 2015 at 12:26 am

Hi CHRIS so I’ve been “sort of” dating this guy who a month ago moved countries -which is only two hours flight time away. Anyways, before he moved away we had such a strong connection and guess still do. He told me he loved me and he’s the first guy to ever say that to me, we’re both 18. Recently we hadn’t spoken in a few days cause he was busy and yesturday I confronted him about it and asked him if he still felt the same just checking and all. This all ended up into a back and forth argument, he was telling me how he found it hard to communicate through fb cause he’s dyslexic and I was trying to find other ways to communicate when we can’t call each other. Anyways two hours later after he said nah bye to me I sent him an apology over message saying “sorry for everything I said I didn’t communicate my feelings that well too you etc” and he saw it and didn’t reply which I expected. Help!!! Please what do I do!!! What if he never speaks to me again. He also changed his dp of us straight away to a new photo of himself…

admin

February 20, 2015 at 11:42 pm

“Sort of” dating eh…

Well, I think first you need to become official with him before anything…

Kim

February 19, 2015 at 8:07 pm

Hi Chris, can you do the magic? So he spent years thinking that he can have me whenever he whants.Because i told him that i’m in love with him when we were friends 4 years ago but he didn’t feel the same way back then. Whenever i did something wrong when we were friends he just cuts me off he never talks to me about what we fought. And when i start ignoring him he comes back running to me. Now was the first time that something happened between us, and he broke up with me by ignoring me. I’m so mad that i let this happen, i was so available to him. Is there anything i can do to fix this? 30 days of NC is not enough i tried it. The problem is that i don’t know how to show him that i moved on(without moving on) because we’re no longer friends on facebook, and he doesn’t live near me. Only connection we have are mutual friends.
I think i need to show him my teeth, but how?

admin

February 20, 2015 at 11:30 pm

What kind of magic?

Hahaha!

Do you mind recording your message for me so I can answer it on the podcast?

I promise you will get an in-depth response.
Kim

February 25, 2015 at 5:09 am

So i have to get creative, can you give me few tips?

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106 thoughts on “EBR 004: Breaking The Long Distance Barrier With An Ex”