What To Do When Your Ex Boyfriend Becomes Distant - The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

254 thoughts on “EBR 045: What To Do When An Ex Boyfriend Becomes Distant”

Kristie

May 4, 2016 at 1:39 pm

Hi,
I have purchased the BF recovery book but I am having a hard time with something. ok backstory my ex and I dated short term about 3 months but we both said we felt it was different and special he was all in fixing things at my house walking the dog saying the right things. Anyway I was having a hard time dealing with all this emotion so soon after my divorce was final just that past August plus I had a lot of personal issues that ex knew about. anyway one night he came over and I completely shut down it was like a wave came over me and I shut down. He tried to kiss me I pulled away more than once. It had nothing to do with my feelings for him I believe I just felt overwhelmed and was trying way too hard to be perfect and just shut down. So we never talked about it and he pulled away big time I am sure he ought I didn’t want to be with him. So we still talked and didn’t see each other until Valentines day we went out and that is the last I saw him. We broke up basically over text he tried to call me but it was always late at night I was sleeping. We have talked to each other since but never about that night and never about the breakup. He just said I didn’t push him away but I totally did he did mention that we were growing apart instead of together. When we broke up I told him i cared about him but i understand that he is busy (that’s what he kept telling me why we didn’t see each other from that night Jan 27th until Feb 14th. I don’t want him to feel like he has to call me but of course I wish he would.

So he basically let me know he did at the time feel that way about me and we were headed in a serious direction..implying he no longer does.

Sorry so long!! ok so at first I did the I miss you and all that we have talked then I decided i need to stop. I didn’t text him or say anything personal I did send a text Happy Easter in between with just a little chit chat. that was it. So basically no contact for about 30 days except easter.

So he called me 2 weeks after Easter it was late again and he was driving to NY he said he was wondering how I was and hopefully things are going well he was just thinking about me and wanted to see how I was. Talk soon (he sounded like he really wanted to talk to me)
I didn’t call him back and then texted him Hi a week and a half later…he replied Hey you the next day. I said Hi that was it. I then texted him a week later my daughter started walking with a toy he got her for Christmas so he replied OMG that’s so cute I said something else but nothing personal about us. ok so then a week later this week Monday I texted him I was thinking about him.
he replied Aww. How are you? So I already know I texted too much we had a decent chat but it was late so he said he would call me tomorrow but he didn’t. So I have 2 questions do I now continue with the trying to get him back and just wait for him to call me and we just have a nice conversation and he probably won’t ask me out (he keeps saying how busy he is) or do I ask him to come over and talk because we never talked about that night and it bothers me and I don’t really know why we broke up except that seems his feelings for me changed after that night. I know this is too long sorry I just do not know what to do now???? Please help! Thank you.

Kristie

May 11, 2016 at 1:44 pm

tomorrow is a week since the email. So looks like NC is next. I did get a Happy Mothers Day! I hope you have a great day today! I just Thanked him. But that has been it..I just wish if he didn’t want anything to do with me he would just leave me alone. His call that day confused me I don’t know why said he was thinking of me he sounded so nice a sweet like he really wanted to talk to me. I don’t get it.
Kristie

May 7, 2016 at 2:11 pm

ok give him a week then I will try one NC of 30 days I just worry that I will miss my opportunity to talk if he calls after the week ? It’s probably going to be more of a I call it a NC but I will also be walking away. I think his silence is probably telling me everything. I just will never get why he called and had to say he was thinking about me…I honestly didn’t think i would hear from him again..so I was surprised and I guess I thought it meant something because he knew I still cared for him so why would you say you were thinking about me. oh well I will be back if I hear anything freaking out no doubt. Thank you.
Kristie

May 5, 2016 at 5:16 pm

ok I am pretty sure I just blew it I sent him an email talking about that night I pulled away and why and what was going on with me and I told him how I feel about him and that I would like to try again. but if he moved on I understand. So waiting for the response from him where he nicley lets me down. I guess I have totally blown it right?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 7, 2016 at 1:32 pm

okay, let’s wait for a week first..of he doesn’t reply..either you decide to move on.. or do one last nc.. but this time do not initiate or reply..unless it’s really an emergency
Kristie

May 4, 2016 at 8:39 pm

so should I start over and do a 30 day nc?
Kristie

May 4, 2016 at 3:24 pm

no it was 12 days in when I texted for easter then he called on day 26 left me that message which confused me cause he knows i car and he said he was thinking of me I didn’t respond until I texted him the Hi on day 35.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 2:32 pm

Hi Kristie,

I just want to make it clear, so, you actually didn’t do a full 30 days nc right?

Rosario

May 3, 2016 at 6:51 pm

Hi Ex Boyfriend Recovery team,
I’d really appreciate your insight into my situation :)! I think lack of communication has torn apart my long distance relationship. I met my boyfriend in October he lived not far from the city I was studying for college and that’s where we met but he studies in a city 3 hours away. Our relationship was great but I think my boyfriend got too carried away with spending time with me for the first few months and didn’t do enough work and then panicked became more and more preoccupied with it over the last few months and more and more distant with me he also has an anxiety disorder. I was going through a rough time in my life in this period and put too much pressure on him but also became increasingly upset at us not spending enough time together, lack of affection and not making plans to see each other over the college vacation. We haven’t seen each other since early March because he is very stressed with exams and he seemed very distant the last tie I spoke to him. I am sure he did like me a lot he said i’m the girl he’s had the most feelings for and when we got on it was really good but he’s said he doesn’t like drama and every tie i’ve got upset he’s been very defensive. We talked a little bit weeks ago and he was friendly but I still felt he wasn’t making enough time for me and got very upset he said he would try after exams in a month I said I understood but he was rude to me. Since then I got far too angry and suggested a break, then breaking up and then spoke to him saying the ball was in his court and it was up to him, I was WAY too emotional. I ahve been having a very tough time which he knows and I felt resentful he wasn’t talking more to me to me. I tried to talk to him but he didn’t respond at all and I ended up sending him angry messages and deleting him of facebook assuming he didn’t want to be with me which I know is crazy . I know I wouldn’t have behaved in this way if he had made more time to talk to me etc over the last few months because I felt my emotional sexual wants weren’t being met. I sent him an email apologising for my behaviour and i’ve decided to use no contact to give him space to be able to do his exams and to calm myself down to be able to have a more rational mindset and to just focus on other aspects of my life and improving myself and then reach out to him say i’m somewhere we had a really nice time at and how it reminded me of him and see what happens with your game plan from there :).

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 12:34 pm

Hi Rosario..

that’s good that you’re taking time for yourself.. I think you have a chance if he sees you got your own life but of course that doesn’t mean he can just ignore you or neglect you.. next time, if you get back together…just talk to him calmly one time about your feelings and that you understand he’s busy, but that you miss him and you hope to see him soon..

nicole

May 3, 2016 at 8:17 am

Hi Chris
Ok I don’t know how to put this, I was in a LDR relationship with my ex. I’m 18 and he is 21 I would say we were completely inlove. But we broke up because his parents don’t approve of me because of the distance and difference in religion. He couldn’t stand up to them because he is the youngest and lives at home with them. The break up was really devastating and I decided to do the nc for a month. I did it and it was successful. He begged for me back promising everything would be different and even if his parents didnt approve He would still be with me because he loves me and didnt want to lose be ever again. But two weeks after getting back together he says he doesn’t know if he loves me and I asked if it was because bus parents told him to break up with me again that he was unsure he loved me and he said yes. But I know he loves me because he can’t delete my number of unfollow me off any social media. He even wants to keep all my pictures. Why would he act like this heartlessand distant person

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 11:35 am

HI Nicole,

because he’s young.. he is 21 but boys mature slowly captured to girls.. so, his mind is like maybe 16-18.. He’s still dependent on his parents and he’s with them everyday, so it will really be hard for him to keep a decision that is against them.. he has to be more independent to make decisions like this, especially if it makes him have heated discussions with his parents.. For me it’s best that you move on and if he goes back again, don’t give in right ahead.. let him work for it…

Angel

May 3, 2016 at 6:41 am

Hi Chris,

My name is Angel and my ex-boyfriend and I are in the middle of college. We dated for a year and a half and our relationship was very serious. We are both Christian, so we haven’t had sex or anything like that (we haven’t even kissed on the lips because he wanted to save that for the wedding). Although he didn’t officially propose, we discussed wedding plans like colors and themes, he sent me photos he liked, he asked for my ring size, and I showed him rings I liked (this was only 2 months before our break up). I am aiming to get our relationship back because I truly do see us getting married in the future.

After Christmas break, which he spent with his family, he started acting strangely. He was more distant and sad and finally he had an emotional breakdown and was crying and hyperventilating, etc (he’s autistic). He regressed back into not being able to handle physical contact. Since he spends an inordinate amount of time in the music department (he is a classical pianist and composer), I figured that it was due to him being under too much stress. He started to spend more and more time down in the music department and less and less time with me. We started to have fights about it. He said that he wouldn’t mind not seeing me for a few weeks since he was busy, and that made me angry for obvious reasons considering that we only live a couple hundred feet away from each other. We had a night where we were happy, we watched a movie and talked late into the night and he told me how cute I was, etc, and we ended the night well. Then a few days later we started fighting again.

He told me that he just needed a break — some time and space alone. We didn’t talk for a whole week, then I texted him to see how he was doing and asked if we could talk in person. We met in the library then later went to get coffee — this conversation lasted 8 hours straight. After this conversation, I felt like we had agreed to take things slower and work on our relationship. Apparently we were not on the same page after this conversation, because a couple days later he mentioned in passing “it’s good that we’re just friends.” We then had another lengthy conversation because I was confused. Through out this time (a few weeks) he didn’t want to change his Facebook relationship status or profile picture of us. Eventually I changed my Facebook info to “single” then he changed his, and we decided to be friends. We were “just friends” for only a week before I decided that it was making me too miserable. I wrote him a letter (I know you hate letters, but my ex and I have a history of letter writing) explaining that I still have feelings for him and that I’d like to work on our relationship. I told him that I could not be friends with him because it was too soon and too painful. He wrote me a letter back and expressed that he was very sad that it came down to this, that he didn’t desire me as a wife at this time, but that maybe this would change in the future. I did not reply to his letter and haven’t spoken to him for 36 days now.

Overall, I think that I’ve handled things pretty well. I didn’t “beg” and I have not broken the NC rule. I have been jogging and eating more healthily almost everyday. I have been doing mental exercises to be a more positive/optimistic person. I have been taking supplements to make my hair and nails longer and have been taking care of my skin. I wear make up and dress up most days, and I make sure to always have a smile on my face and to be confident. I plan to whiten my teeth with an at-home kit and I purchased a pheromone-containing perfume (it’s not stupid if it works, right?). I have also been very Facebook active because he and I are still friends on FB and I know that he sees my posts (but he never likes/comments on my posts). I’m more social now and I post things on FB to show it. In fact, I’ve been attracting the attention of at least 3 other guys who have been hitting on me and asking me out. I have carefully posted a photo with me, a mutual friend (between me and my ex), and one of these suitors on FB and made it my cover photo (the 3 of us went hiking).

I switch back and forth between posting pretty pictures of myself and funny stories about my day, and I make sure to post something every couple days (is there such thing as a FB gnat?). Also, I have kept in contact with his mother — we are very close. His mother and I have been emailing back and forth since the break up and she is a very kind lady who wishes that things for my ex and I get better, God willing. I also posted a photo on Facebook and tagged his sister in it, and we had a pleasant conversation that I’m sure he read. Is there any advantage to keeping in contact with his family? His mother wishes for me to visit this summer when my ex is out of town.

Interestingly, my ex has also been very FB active since our break up. At first I thought that I was just over-analyzing things, but then my mom called me and said the exact same thing that I was thinking. I still don’t want to over-analyze, but I do wonder about it. I have run into my ex a couple times, but just in passing and we didn’t speak. One time we were walking opposite on a staircase and we pretended not to notice each other (I was with friends at the time and made sure to look super happy). A few minutes later, my ex and I almost crossed paths again — except he took a sharp detour away from my direction. Again, I don’t want to over-analyze, but I wonder if he did that on purpose so that he didn’t have to walk by me (is that a good sign or a bad one?). Another time we got on the same little bus, and again we pretended not to notice each other. I made sure to be really smiley and happy and did not look in his direction. One thing that sticks in my mind is that in all of our conversations that led to our eventual break up, he said that maybe we would get back together in the future, and that he did see potential in us as a married couple. He mentioned this at least 3 different times. His talking about hope for us in the future is confusing to me, since he broke up with me.

I know this is a long story, and it is difficult to cram it in a comments section (I could explain things in depth for an hour in person). Long story short: my ex and I were almost engaged, he started to have emotional issues and started distancing himself from me, we fought a lot over it, he told me he just needed a break, then we decided to be just friends, then I told him that I couldn’t be his friend, and now we haven’t spoken for 36 days. I have been working on myself tremendously, both physically and emotionally. This week is finals week, hence why I have waited so long to text him. I didn’t want to break NC until after the stress of finals. I plan to text him this Saturday (NC = 41 days). I have purchased the Recovery Pro, the NC book, and the Texting Guide. I feel as though I’m hiding behind NC — it’s comforting in a way — but now that the time is nearing to contact him, I am very nervous. My ex is a very difficult man to read and I honestly have no idea if he still has feelings for me or not (limited, mixed messages). I’d also like to note that I was his very first girlfriend (we are both 20). He has not contacted me in any way, shape, or form since I initiated NC. I think it’s because I basically told him that I didn’t want to hear from him, and he is respecting my decision. Our mutual friend just recently reached out to my ex to hang out, and our friend was going to slip in some comments about me to test the waters, but my ex has not responded to our friend yet. Again, finals week is a busy time, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t responded yet.

Basically, I’d just like to know what you think about my situation. I took the quiz on this website and it told me that I have a decent chance (I’ve taken other quizzes which say we have between a 55 – 66% chance of getting back together). I feel very conflicted overall. I feel both optimistic and pessimistic. I’d really appreciate you reading my lengthy comment and giving me some insight on my situation. Thank you for your time.

Angel

Angel

May 3, 2016 at 6:54 am

P.S. All the way until we broke up, my ex would tell me that I was pretty and whatnot. He told me that he loved certain things about me and my personality, etc, yet also said that he didn’t desire me as a wife “at this time” — he always puts in a phrase that makes it seem like there is hope (“maybe things will change in the future”, “we have potential as a married couple in the future”, “I could see things changing to more favorable winds”). This is why I am very confused.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 11:31 am

HI Angel,

I don’t want to be offensive but maybe his autism has something to do with his emotional issues,and sometimes men just say there is hope for the girl not to feel so bad with the breakup… so, it’s better to rely on his actions rather his words.. but it’s good that you did nc, at least that will give him time to think.. once you reach out, take it slow.. don’t make him feel that you want him back just start being friendly

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 11:28 am

Hi Sara,

Are you sure you want to abort the baby? I think you need to think about first before it becomes an emotional decision. I don’t want to raise your hopes up, but if it’s because he didn’t admit the baby, then you really have to take a step back first but of course if it your decision not to continue the pregnancy, I respect that. How are you now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 4:26 am

Hi SJ,

sorry for the late reply.. it’s better if you give him time first and that you build rapport first before asking him out.. or you have already?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 11, 2016 at 12:43 pm

Oh I meant social media post.. his social media posts, I think you should try one last time because you still have feelings for him but don’t ask him right ahead if you can try again. You have to start as friends first again
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 11, 2016 at 7:27 am

the only thing I can get from that is that he”s unsure whether you’re still angry or not

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254 thoughts on “EBR 045: What To Do When An Ex Boyfriend Becomes Distant”