Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message- The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

148 thoughts on “EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message”

Clare

December 30, 2016 at 4:02 am

What if he doesn’t respond to the first contact text? How long should I wait before I send another one? Should I send another one?

Clare

December 30, 2016 at 5:21 pm

And what if he doesn’t respond back to that one either?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 31, 2016 at 8:35 am

if he doesn’t respond, wait two weeks but that would be the last.. if he still doesn’t respond that means you have to move on..
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 30, 2016 at 2:53 pm

Hi Clare,
wait a week

Laura

December 19, 2016 at 8:46 pm

So I have been in no contact for about a month and a half (I added the half because I just got back from a trip to India and Sri Lanka where there is a twelve hour time difference and I didn’t want to be distracted from an amazing trip with texting my ex). Right before I left, I had dinner with one of our close mutual friends who actually helped us get together in the first place. I was really bubbly, talking about all of the things I had been up to since the breakup (exercising, eating right, seeing a counselor, I’ve taken the self-improvement part very seriously), and didn’t even really mention the breakup at all. After that dinner, he started looking at my Snapchat stories again and has been watching pretty much all of them from the trip. The last time we talked, I called him from a blocked number two weeks after the breakup (hadn’t read about NC rule yet and my mom highly encouraged it) and it went really badly, he told me he didn’t miss me in the way I hoped he did. It’s been about six weeks since then, and I’ve been drafting texts in my head and in Notes on my phone, but I just need some words of encouragement because I’m really nervous and scared and I don’t want to lose all the progress I’ve made on myself.

Laura

December 19, 2016 at 8:47 pm

I posted on the blindside breakup article, but I just wanted to give some background in case it didn’t seem familiar. Thank you, Amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 22, 2016 at 12:24 pm

Hi Laura,

Thanks! Well, even if it doesn’t work out with him, you wont lose your progress because that’s for yourself.. but it’s a good sign that he watches your stories.. it may make him think you’re moving on and then let him be more open to being friends again

Kikka

December 6, 2016 at 10:15 am

Hi,
I’m still in the mid of no contact, but I was trying to think of my text at the end of the 30 days…
One thing that came to my mind is starting with “Guess what happened while I was on vacation!” followed by a pic of me on a bicycle (it is related to something funny that happened when we started dating) and a brief funny story about it and the high note…
Do you think it can work?
Also, do I have to wait for him to reply after my “Guess what happened!” or can I just immediately send the pic and the message? What if he does not reply to the first sentence… the conversation would be broken at that point….
I’m confused…
Zoey

November 25, 2016 at 7:18 am

Hi Amor,

I have done my 30days NC;jus ended yesterday. while in the next three days it gonna be his bday. Do u think when the best time to reach out to him ? as I gonna start texting him with my first message, On his bday? But I don feel like letting him know that I’m always here for his bday. Cos he know that I’m very concern on celebrating each occasion. Is it fine if I sent him the first text after two/three days after his bday?

Zoey

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm

HI Zoey,

you need to check this one:
EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule

Someone

November 21, 2016 at 9:15 pm

Sorry to comment again. One thing I have noticed with the texts he sent today is he’s put things like “tho” instead of “though” a couple of times which he never used to do. Does that mean I might get friend zoned if I’m not careful (as he’s putting less effort into grammar) or is he trying to act more casual than he is?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 22, 2016 at 6:46 pm

Hi someone,
dont read too much into it..Maybe he just wanted to text shorter.. What’s more important is the how positive your conversation is.. If you don’t want to go out yet, then just schedule the movie at a later date..

Someone

November 21, 2016 at 9:06 pm

So I did 30 days no contact and did a really good first contact text yesterday. I ended the conversation quickly and was going to contact him tomorrow. But he texted me whilst I was at yoga. And let me tell you, texting after the first contact was hard! I sent him about 10 texts in total but… he sent me 21! I think he was angling to see the new Harry Potter movie with me but I didn’t suggest it(like I think he wanted me to). I think it’s too soon to meet up for something like that. Do you agree? We haven’t really had the chance to build rapport yet. Him texting me first took me completely by surprise though! Hoping it’s a good sign.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 22, 2016 at 6:46 pm

Hi someone,
dont read too much into it..Maybe he just wanted to text shorter.. What’s more important is the how positive your conversation is.. If you don’t want to go out yet, then just schedule the movie at a later date..

Sally

November 17, 2016 at 5:51 pm

So, I sent first message yesterday, he responded me after serval hours. My messages was that I found his favorite cookies, that’s actually hard to find , he responded me “thank you ！（With a smile face）
Then., he sent to me many pictures and small video( water falling) he just took yesterday ( his hobby is photography), I sent “thank you for sharing beautiful pictures ,I’m outside, not good internet though
Then., he said ” keep warm, it’s snowing here” ,,,,,,
I wanted ask where, but I thought maybe too many messages for the first day, so I stopped until this morning, I sent to him ” thank you! Looks like you’re at cold place ,keep warm and don’t get sick!. (I’m waiting for his message today….)

I’m not sure if I sent too many messages yesterday or not? Did I make something wrong? What should I do next?

Also,,,, He unblocked me right way after first message.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 18, 2016 at 11:11 pm

Hi Sally,

that’s good that he unblocked you..did he reply to your last message?

T. J.

November 14, 2016 at 3:50 am

Hi! I’m on day 27 of NC (my goal is 30 days) and I’m thinking about what to write in my first text to my ex. I’m not sure how to end the text. In the podcast 53 it’s recommended to end the text with something like “It was the first time I thought of you in a while.” Should I write that even though the truth is I think about him every day?
I’m considering maybe ending with “I think about moments like this sometimes.” – Do you think that would work in catching his attention?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 15, 2016 at 6:27 pm

Hi TJ,

Yeah, even though it’s a lie, it’s safer because it sounds like you’re not obsessing about him ad that you actually started to move on.

Ace

November 11, 2016 at 5:49 pm

So I texted him the next day and he still didn’t reply. So I knw he is definitely ignoring me now and its just rough like what happened we were doing so good maybe he felt like u was playing him Idk.

Ace

November 13, 2016 at 11:50 pm

And based on how he was talking I knew he wanted me back I just didn’t want to run back to him so I played like I wanted to be friends. I just want him to contact me so ah boi.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 15, 2016 at 7:32 am

if you didnt tell him the reason why you dont want to get back together yet, then he may have felt you still need time on your own to decide or you just cant say directly to him that you dont want to get back together. so,.now he just stopped talking to you..
Acw

November 12, 2016 at 6:30 pm

He actually did say he wanted to be in a relationship, but I just “lol”because I didn’t belive him that’s when he went on to tell me how much he loved me and that he never had the bond he had with me with anyone else. A couple days after this I asked him if we could be friends he said ok. He texted me the next day we talked for a little then he stopped replying to me suddenly. I texted him the next day and he still didn’t reply it’s the second day now since and still nothing from him.
Before I did no contact he always said he wanted us to be friends so I don’t know what the problem is now. And its not like i have been too available to him I texted him sparsely using tide theory and wait an hour or two to reply to him. Should I wait maybe two weeks to text him back or see if he will text me?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 12, 2016 at 6:09 pm

Ok, he said he loved you, but he didn’t ask for you back? So, did he friendzoned you and then you tried to reverse friendzoned him by asking to be friends? Did he reply to you now?

famiron

November 11, 2016 at 4:03 pm

Hi i text my ex after NC and he respond “who are you?” so i cant tell the story now what can i do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 14, 2016 at 8:25 pm

Hi Famrion,

how long did you do nc amd nd did you improve yourself? What do you think about the advice in the last podcast you commented?
famrion

November 11, 2016 at 5:10 pm

and we have been together 3 month we had little break up but soon he missed me and come back but in second one we fought badly and he said goodbye forever and i realize that he want to break up to protect himself now he replies me two time who r you? what should i do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 14, 2016 at 8:24 pm

Hi Famrion,

how long did you do nc amd nd did you improve yourself? What do you think about the advice in the last podcast you commented?

Ace

November 10, 2016 at 3:20 am

I don’t see my comment
Ace

November 9, 2016 at 6:11 pm

I had commented before but I don’t knw what happened I don’t see it. So a quick run down…I initiated contact with my ex and got a good response in that occasion I ended on high. Was hoping he would initiate the next time but he didn’t but he didn’t so I texted him again after 4 days this time we talked for the whole day ( I don’t knw what I was thinking) we stopped talking in the night where he just didn’t reply to my last text. This was surprising since he told me this same day that he loved me and wanted us to be together again (maybe I should have ended the convo there) but he asked me if I loved him and I said yes always. And we kept talking he told me he formed a bond with me that he never did with anybody else. So after all of that I said ok maybe he fell asleep and would have texted me the next day, he didn’t. I initiated again three days after and we had a good talk I ended on high. We talked after this for about 3 days straight mainly because when he asked a question in the night I answered the next day. The last time we spoke I asked him if we could be friends (kind of reverse phsycology) to get him to initiate if he thinks we’re on a friendly basis and also because I kind of want him to get a sense that I move on. I guess it worked because as I’m writing this he initiated for the first time asking if I was at home, I’m going to take some time to reply then tell him I’m out. I’m really happy to see he initiated for the first time . Any suggestions on how to move forward from here?

Ace

November 10, 2016 at 9:52 pm

He told me he was really sick but I knw he was exaggerating because that’s how he is so I took like 2 hrs to reply and he hasn’t replied since then and its the next day. What do i do? I feel like I kinda took too long to reply. Do I text him back or just wait it out?

Cyrus Swart

November 1, 2016 at 11:27 am

Hi again,
So I recently came out of no contact and initiated first contact, which went decent from how I saw it.
Only problem is that while he does respond to my first text with a decent chunk and in a very positive response, this time my second text he doesn’t respond to at all (And it had nothing to do with our old relationship).
So I don’t know if I need to go back into no contact, or need to change my texting strategies (Which I’ve read from the Texting Bible)

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 1, 2016 at 8:58 pm

Try again after 3 or 5 days if he still doesn’t respond, rest for a week before trying again..

Pinaymix1971

October 26, 2016 at 4:19 pm

I was reading your topics on what goes on in the Ex’s mind during NC, how to reply when he greets you on special occasions, why does he still contact you after breaking up, how to manage closure, etc. Your articles are really good because it shows the typical perspective of a white guy’s mind. Long story short : I met a married man online. I’ve always tried to avoid complications in my life and I’ve always put boundaries between me and a man who is committed in any way. Unfortunately, I had thought since it’s just online, I was safe. I felt sorry for him. He has two teenage kids and he told me his marriage was only on paper. They stopped having sex for many years. She sleeps in a different bedroom. In short, he told me if he had financial resources, he’d be divorced by the time I met him. Which was 16 months ago. God knows I tried to help him get his marriage back on track. Offered insights into a woman’s mind, gave him suggestions how to win her affections back. Their issues aren’t high conflict for me and I wish they’d get back together and not head for a divorce. Bec I said long story I’ll make short, needless to say, I fell in love with him in the process. My mind tells me I shouldn’t get involved but o had thought he and I are so compatible, down to our sense of corny humor. But since he doesn’t do anything about his situation, and I don’t really wanna get involved in any complications, I finally managed to make him stop contacting me almost 4 weeks ago. We’re both in our mid 40s, you see. his wife is early 50s. Day 5 of NC, I didn’t reply to his brief email. He asked me to write him back but i didn’t. His letter said he’s okay but just worried about money. Since his letter ( unlike in our past breakups ) didn’t include pleads (his past letters ). I’ve planned to forget and move on but last night, at midnight, he sent me email and PMed me to greet me happy birthday. Plus his version of a HBD song. I already mentioned his sense of humor and mine are the same. I laughed at his singing and I replied politely, saying the song did make me laugh. He replied he’s been anticipating my birthday the entire week bec he’s gonna smile knowing I laughed at his message. I didn’t reply anymore and he hasn’t sent any other message. My question is: he knows it’s my character I never initiate contact with my exes but I reply politely when they did, though I never have intentions of getting back together (I believe that if it doesn’t work out once, it will never work out ); should I tell him directly to stop communicating with me the next official holiday comes and I’m pretty sure he’s going to greet me again? Christmas is only 7 weeks away. I’m very very sure he’ll send me another greeting. Even if his birthday email didn’t include any other topic or question, I just want to sever the ties with him. I wish I could have him all to myself, but he didn’t give me a timeline regarding divorce, he and I haven’t met in real life yet (I’m from Asia;he’s from North America. Somehow, our scheds weren’t matched so the meetings got put off several times until I lost interest. TBH, I’m not keen meeting up any man who’s still legally married, regardless if they’ve sleep on separate beds or not ). I’m not desperate. I’m not unattractive in my age bracket; It’s just that I don’t wanna settle for someone less than I really like and I made the dumb mistake of falling for someone like him. I’m trying to forget him now but I wish he’d stop messing up with my mind. I don’t wanna give in to the temptation of contacting him. I wanna do the right thing even if it’s killing me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2016 at 4:11 pm

HI Pinaymix1971,

You don’t have to tell him to stop.. just stop responding.. he’ll get that.

Defiant

October 11, 2016 at 1:20 pm

Hello,
oh boy, this will be a long message, because my story is quite complicated……
my long-distance (ex-)boyfriend of 1,5 years and I got into a huge spat on July 10th and I unfortunately said a few things I shouldn’t have in my anger (e.g. that I had met some other guy I really like, etc., etc.).
What I have to mention here is that I played games, i.e. strategized, throughout the entire relationship (cat and mouse game, no contact rule, making him feel insecure/ jealous (on purpose) and never clearly told him how I feel or only in very unclear terms to protect myself from being hurt) and that I obviously pushed it too far/ pokered too high on July 10th…
I left overseas on vacation with my 2 kids (no, they are not his) and was expecting that he would contact me, but realized 10 days later that probably no ‘normal’ person would contact someone who had just told them that they met someone else they “really like” (I was angry and very hurt and wanted to “pay him back” for making me feel this way), so I sent him an e-mail spilling out my guts. He wrote me back 3-4 days later telling me that I had hurt him tremendously and that he needed time to “settle his thoughts”. I immediately replied (which was very untypical of me up to that point), but he didn’t get back to me.
I returned home on August 8th from vacation and sent him a text message on the 11th, asking him whether he wanted me to come visit him the upcoming weekend, the following weekend or not at all. He replied but was still angry and asked me why I was suddenly being so impatient when all this time I had always made him wait. He also told me that he had plans that upcoming weekend, so I didn’t have to come. He again told me that he was still questioning his needs and I sent him another “all cards on the table” message (about how I truly feel and that I will not go quietly into the night if there is something left to fight for).
I didn’t hear back from him, so I sent him another message on August 20th, telling him that I understand that he needs time and space, but that I missed him and needed to know whether he still wanted me to be part of his life or not and basically gave him an ultimatum by when to let me know where I stand. The message got quite long, so I sent him a shorter version (basically with bullet points) and called it “here’s the male version of what I just said”. That REALLY pissed him off (he unfortunately understood it as me saying, ‘since you’re male, i.e. stupid, and English isn’t your native language, here’s the version for idiots’. Yes, I know, I know, mea culpa, of course I regret throwing oil into the fire, but it really was not my intention.
Well, I guess that seriously set me back and a few days later, I wrote him that I will leave him alone now though it is taking a very heavy toll on me and that if this is meant to be, he will find his way back to me. Up until that point he told me that his feelings for me had changed, but he never explicitly broke up with me. So I held out hope that we could maybe patch things up and I was more than willing to be honest about how I felt for a change and that I would expose myself, even if it meant I would have to swallow my pride/ risk getting hurt.
Well, 4 weeks passed and he never contacted me…. at this point, I was, of course, desperate… We had had plans to go on vacation together to the beach for a week (early September), which came and went. We also had plans to go to London on September 23rd. He had boughten me the ticket and I saw that he never cancelled it, but since we were not speaking, I did not know whether he actually wanted me to get on that plane (he was flying from another city, so it’s not like I could have just accidentally run into him at the airport…).
I had sent him a package to his work (after a 4-week period of silence) with things I had gotten him during my family vacation in July (things I had specifically chosen for him and knew he would appreciate) and made a photo book with pictures of our relationship and different comments. It arrived on the Monday before the flight to London (which was scheduled for Friday, but he never sent me a thank you or “got it” note, so I had absolutely NO indication what was going on in his mind. A joint friend had drinks with him on Thursday (i.e. one day before the London flight) and sent me text messages that my ex-boyfriend had told him that we broke up in June (which REALLY made me feel insecure, because it was simply NOT true – that ticket to London was booked on June 15th by HIM, but if that was the version of events he was telling others, it really was a slap in the face) and that he had told me that we were broken up (again, that was absolutely NOT true). The friend also told me that some other female may be involved.
All this information (and the fact that we had not spoken for 5 weeks and that he didn’t even bother acknowledging that he had received my package) pointed toward NOT getting on that plane to London…. and no one I spoke to would have taken that flight. I did not want to appear “cheap” (flying on a person’s dime who had apparently dumped me 3 months earlier….), nor did I want to go to London just to maybe bump into him there with some other girl….
So, I did not go. Well, he sent a text message to another joint friend, telling her that I had a ticket to London and didn’t use it and that if I had, we could have maybe found some way to work things out, but now that I wasn’t on that plane, it was over once and for all. Wonderful!! I of course wrote him immediately that there was no place I’d rather be than with him in London and that I would jump onto the next available flight, but he told me that he was already leaving London again and that he had written me an old fashioned letter….
Obviously, the letter was NOT a marriage proposal…. he wrote about the many times I hurt him and that he would be starting a new chapter in his life. When I got the letter, I instinctively called him (he didn’t pick up, which was no surprise), but he DID call me back late that night (twice) and left a message (I was already sleeping). That was a sign for me that a channel of communication was open (though I am sure he was drunk).
I decided to surprise visit him in his hometown (a 4-hour drive) (yup, you can’t say I don’t have balls!!), and he agreed to meet me for coffee. We had a decent conversation (he was not as cold as I expected, but he also only took 1,5 hours out of his time to see me), and he explained that he doesn’t believe in second chances, that experience has shown him that it doesn’t work and that yes, he still has some feelings left for me, but that they would never be as strong as they were before (well, sorry, when we first started dating, my feelings for him were ambiguous at best, and look where I am now!!). We didn’t really make any plans to stay in contact or anything else when we said our goodbyes (it was a very quick goodbye, he was suddenly in a rush to leave).
I have been sitting on the fence about what to do, for whatever reason, I do not have the strength to let this go, but feel that I DO have the strength to fight to get him back. I told him that I want him back when we met (he just said that from experience, second chances don’t work), so he knows where I am coming from (I sent him plenty of texts in the last few weeks telling him how I feel and apologizing, etc., so enough of that….). I visited him on October 2nd and did not contact him until yesterday.
I purchased the Texting Bible (since we’re in a long-distance relationship….) and him a text message last night (first contact message, a reminder of something we did together in the past and that made me laugh) and he actually replied this morning, saying that yes, that was a nice trip and a wonderful summer.
So now I don’t know what to do!!!! He is used to me NOT replying, but probably not under these circumstances where for a change I am not in the driver’s seat. He probably expects me to pounce on the opportunity to start a conversation with him. I have loads of self-discipline, so I can go all day without answering him. But is that the best approach (considering I messed up this relationship by letting him wait and wait and by sending him mixed signals…). I am now kind of lost about my next step – according to the Bible, I would send him another nice memory text next?? Can you give me any useful advice?? I really do NOT want to mess this up!!! I am on extremely thin ice and can use ALL the expert advice out there…. I would be ETERNALLY grateful if you could tell me how to proceed from here!! When and what do I text back?? AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Thanks SOOOO much in advance for ANY help!!!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 11, 2016 at 5:18 pm

Hi Defiant,

you became the chaser.. and now you still are.. I think you need to have a clean slate.. maybe use a little reverse psychology.. Tell him, you understand him now, and now, you need to heal and find yourself again because you’ve done things that we’re out of yourself.. so, that someday, you can have clean friendship.. and then no contact again.. do 45 days this time and then take it slow in building rapport with him afterwards.

Herewego

October 8, 2016 at 2:16 am

Hi there! So far the guide and all your help has been amazing! I’m happy to say we reconnected over the weekend and Sunday talked. I laid it out that I’m looking for an exclusive relationship with someone special. After talking he agreed he’d be happy with that not that he knows where his future is taking him. He mentioned bf gf, I said I wasn’t ready for that yet, that I want a relationship in the near future but right now I want to date and gain trust back. Then I made a mistake…. I slept with him. At least I think it was a mistake. The weekend was amazing, say each other everyday, he would text me first always and want to spend time with me. Then comes the week…. he seems distant, didn’t always text first. He used to always ask when we were meeting up. I had to initiate this time. So I said Thursday or Friday free? He said no, he wasn’t. No reason tho. I do know he has a friend coming from out of town tho this weekend. When I mentioned wed, he said maybe depending on his schedule. Very unlike him. The old him would have said I’ll be home later but sleep over cause I want to see you. We’ve talked everyday but his texts are short, not very life like and he’s not the guy I used to remember dating. He hasn’t asked when we’re hanging out next. It’s weird. His texting is off, hes distant. He didn’t even want to become fb friends again (I had deleted), said oh now u want to be friends, nahhh you’ll have to work for it. May I remind u he called things off. Sometimes he doesn’t answer all my texts either.
At this point I’m fed up. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. He 3 word responded to a video I sent this afternoon and we haven’t talked since.
What do you think is going on in his head, and did I blow it? Most important what the heck should i do? I want him. But only if he treats me well and respects me. This is not what I want. And I don’t know how to act to make us close again, I mean I thought we were in the same page. And if I bring it up, I think he’ll think I’m being emotional and get irritated and push a way more.
Your advice is always so helpful, please. Any answers you can give to the above are appreciated, thank you 🙂

Herewego

October 13, 2016 at 7:50 pm

I should also clarify his big hesitation is that he’s leaving for school and will be gone a lot out of state, starting February. He says he doesnt want to fall for someone before then. He’s had a long distance relationship before, said he ruined her life. He doesn’t want this, it makes him nervous with me. I just don’t know how to let him know that him and his ex are not me and him. We’re different people. This isn’t the same situation. He misses me and cares about me but now there’s this. Wanted to clarify the situation:)
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 13, 2016 at 9:04 pm

Ah.. I think it would be better to just go straight into no contact because talking to him would just sound like you’re trying to convince him.. Your actions will do the talking for you.. and if he sees that you’re being independent, have your own life and just keeps growing, more probably he would think you could handle the distance.
Herewego

October 13, 2016 at 6:52 pm

So sorry, haha ill clarify. Yeah, I don’t know, I think it’s more me wanting him to see me happy, confident, and in a place where I’m just done and 100% fine actually with it (whether that’s fully true or not). After my me being angry text, I feel like he thinks I’m broken from him. Far from it. Id like to plant a seed of doubt after a coffee meet up, that maybe he made the wrong choice. My thought was meet for coffee, a quick one. Say I would like you be on good terms and so things aren’t weird if I see him out (we have similar friends). No serious talk, whatsoever, just chatting and being like we would normally be. Fun, care free and relaxed. And yes… if I plant a seed of doubt in his mind about his choice, that wouldn’t be a bad end game result. I’d then plan to go into a no or very limited contsct and get back to focusing on me and what I want.
Your thoughts on this plan? Or just move to no contact? Thanks again 🙂
Herewego

October 13, 2016 at 2:26 am

Well, after 1 week he got cold feet and said he was unsure again what he wanted. This time, I’m quite mad. For someone to mess with a person’s emotions… it’s not okay. I clearly made a mistake sleeping with this guy, even after we had agreed to exclusively date again, with a relationship in mind in the near future. It was clearly too soon and too quick. And now I have royally screwed everything up. Give it to me. At this point he’s not even wanting to talk, almost like ghosted me. He’d respond with a lol or haha to some things, but that’s it. Then on Sunday I sent a short message stating how I felt, in a calm and cool manner. That I was angry, how he made me feel, and that I just needed to say something. Do I regret saying something, no. But at this point I feel lost. …. Alright… I’m ready for some tough love. In your opinion, did I screw up so bad that it’s time to move on? Let go completely? What are my next steps is what I’m looking for… should I try to reconcile. Ask to meet up, clear the air? I don’t even know if I want him back at this point, especially after how he’s treated me recently. But I feel like there’s unfinished business and I hate ending things on a bad note. What should I do? Again, I’m unsure if I want him back or not. I just don’t know anything. I think tough love is in order… let me have it! haha, I can handle it :). Thanks again for all your help. I’m lost without it!
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 13, 2016 at 3:22 pm

hahahaha…. well, yes it was mistake when you slept with him… he already got what he wanted, and now he’s taking your granted.. But I don’t understand, how you would clear the air if you’re still angry? You already told him what you felt and if he’s not willing to work it out with you then take a step back again.. Since you’re not sure if you want him back, just stop talking to him for a while until you have a decision.. If you decide to try for one last time, then take it slow, if he’s not responsive, move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 10, 2016 at 2:49 pm

Yes, it was mistake to sleep with him.. because you look like you’re just playing with him because your actions doesn’t add up to what you’re saying.. If you really want him to work for you, that means not sleeping with him, not chasing and just keeping on being great with your own life and yourself..

I guess, the better step to take now is to lay low

crystal

September 25, 2016 at 6:18 pm

Sorry I forgot to add another thing.. Like do you think the whole no contact thing applies in my situation anyways? Or do you believe that it can hurt us.. Like almost make him feel like I don’t care about what happened..? It’s only been 6 days but I have still been going to work.. I have been hiking a lot more hanging out with friends.. And he’s been seeing that on snapchat.. Which he’s still friends with me on.. That is the only social media site he has..

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 8:58 am

I think it can help and don’t just wait. Be active in improving yourself and doing things that make you happy. Use your brother to tell him that you’re not angry. You can just tell him that you have accepted that situation, you’re not angry, you understand and now, you’re going to take your time to move on before speaking to your ex.. I think you should do 30 days.

crystal

September 25, 2016 at 1:17 pm

Hey Amor,
I love your website and how it’s been helping me with a game plan. My boyfriend and I broke up on September 19 of this year, which was on our 6 month anniversary. A little background knowledge, my boyfriend is 19 years old, and I am 18. I am his first kiss, hand holds, and first girlfriend etc.. Now that night that we broke up he said it was because he felt as if we have been drifting apart for 3 weeks.. Personally I saw no sign of it.. I think it’s because he’s confused or overwhelmed with college and a job.. We spent everyday texting and going out on dates.. I only felt tension the day before the break up and on that night.. That night we broke up he did it last minute on my porch before he was about to leave.. He wouldn’t even look at me.. Yet told me he still cares and loves me and I can text him if I need a friend. Because he cares. Throughout that night he was trying to comfort me and call me baby and saying I love you etc in person. He eventually said we’ll goodnight Crystal and ran off my front porch into his car.. Since Monday I have gotten no texts or calls. But my step brother works with him and says now all of a sudden my ex is trying to get close with my step brother on Wednesday night when everyone left work, my ex asked my brother how I was doing and my brother said hurting maybe you should call or text her.. My ex said , ” Ya.. Idk.. Started to tear up and say I got to go” and left. Friday night my brother mentioned to him at work ” it’s okay to cry you know it doesn’t make you any less of a man.. And you can text me if you need anything” my ex said back I know.. But I wasn’t raised that way it’s hard for me to understand that.. And said thank you, you can contact me too if you need anything. Lately my brother says my ex comes up to him and makes small talk looks around to see if anybody is listening.. Pauses and once someone comes around he says he needs to get back to work. My question for you is it has only been 6 days.. But exactly how long do you think I should play the no contact rule… ? Now I am my boyfriends first ever girlfriend and my boyfriend does suffer from anxiety problems. He was also raised to not push his problems on to others.. Or cry.. I just don’t want to wait so long to text him that he is hurt and feels like I didn’t care the whole time.. He has never done this whole relationship thing. So how much time should I use no contact? And do you think he will understand the first text I do send? Since he never experienced a relationship.

crystal

September 25, 2016 at 6:13 pm

Thank you so much Amor! I agree with everything you just said like he probably asks my brother out of guilt… Now should I still wait exactly 30-45 days.. With this whole no contact thing.. I’m so new to this. So far I haven’t made any attempts to contact him and the way we broke up that night I did not act needy nor plead or beg.. I just mostly stated my opinions and ideas… I really do believe that he is afraid to contact me first because he thinks I hate him.. He said ” you could contact me if you need a friend, I love you and I care about you” and in the heat of the moment I was snappy and said, ” you don’t care because if you did you wouldn’t have broken up with me”… He got a little ticked off saying how dare I say that and never think that way.. So I just believe now he thinks if he were to contact me.. I’d hate him or tell him off..
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 5:50 pm

Hi Crystal,

Thank you! ok.. I’m going to be straight. He’s the one that he broke up with you, if he can’t handle it with his anxiety issues, he wouldn’t have done it and being 6 days now, he should’ve taken his back what he said and asked for you back. He probably asks your brother out of guilt.

When you do the no contact rule, you don’t just wait or stop to talk. There’s not much of an effect to it. Yes he will miss you but for higher chances, you need to improve yourself, move on without fully moving on. And with the first contact text, choose a topic that he always loves talking about, follow what Chris said in the podcast above. It doesn’t matter if you’re his first or not, what matters more in that time is what and how you text him. It doesn’t matter because all he wants is for you not to be angry, and with that text, it confirms you’re not.

Herewego

September 24, 2016 at 4:25 pm

Hi! So I initiated a text post no contact. He responded great. Even said he’d been thinking about me the day before and had wanted to text but thought I hated him. At this point though, I want him to think I’ve 100% moved on and am NOT looking to get back together (as far as he knows…). Should I text him that I of course don’t hate him and agree with him calling things off, it’s been for the best! (???) I’ve heard agreeing sometimes back the ex realizes that the person has moved on and is doing better without them and is out of their reach. Or does agreeing back fire later? Thoughts??? I just thought by agreeing he wouldn’t think of any other texts from me as wanting something eventually. And I can sneak back in with texting and meeting up. I also don’t want to hit that dreaded friend zone… Thanks so much!

Herewego

September 27, 2016 at 10:03 pm

Hey again! So unfortunately I checked back to see your answer too late. So after the no response after telling him I was relieved and cool with the break up, I texted the next day. A good memory text. He was neutral… and then almost mean and sarcastic! When I asked how he had been, he said lonely, spent most nights crying. Later he said he was just kidding and was good…. what??? Who jokes like that with an ex? Anyways, I stayed positive, ended the convo, told him rain check on him catching me up on life. He responded with asking if it’d be in person. I played coy and said perhaps, but I’d be very busy this week. He finished saying “night boo.” … again he’s acting weird with this! So I took a day off and texted today. He was very neutral and 1 lined answers. No matter what topic I brought up, which he’d normally love, he just didn’t seem engages. Was very neutral. Like he didn’t want to talk to me. So I stayed positive and ended the convo with no resonse.
Basically…. I’m wondering what happened after me stating I was relieved and agreed with the break up. Because that’s when everything changed! He’s gone from super positive (pre me agreeing), to mean and sarcastic and saying goodnight boo the next day, to now being neutral and withdrawn 2 days later…. basically what in the heck is going on in his head!?!?! Can you tell me what you think he’s thinking?? Did I screw my chances up??? And finally, yes I need to disappear a few days, but what should I do??? The guide can’t seem to help me with this situation I’m in :(. Thanks so much!!! You’re a life saver!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 29, 2016 at 5:04 am

actually I think those were jokes which are positive because if he’s either pissed or angry with you, he wouldnt be able to joke around with you.. and then maybe it was just really not a good time to text when he wasnt responding well to the topics that he lovesq
Herewego

September 25, 2016 at 6:39 pm

So per the PRO guide, I did a shock and awe first text, which worked great! It was not controversial at all! After small talk with that, he then mentioned how he had just been thinking of me yesterday and something funny, but did not text because he thought I hated him. At that point I was lunch, said I’d talk later, was out with friends and to have a great day. He told me to have a great day as well and called me by an old nickname. A few hours later, I responded to his remark about hating him. I said that hate was a strong word, and I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone. Then stated I had felt relieved and agreed with the break up. Right after I just quickly addressed or finished up the shock and awe point with something like, that was crazy wasn’t it! Perhaps it didn’t warrant reply. But still I felt no reply was odd… What would you recommend I do at this point? Thanks 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 9:26 am

Yeah, I think it just doesn’t need a reply anymore. Start with a new topic.. rest for 3 days, before initiating again.
Herewego

September 25, 2016 at 2:37 pm

actually, correction to my above comment… I said “hate’s such a strong word. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone.” and then continued to agree with the break up. maybe he thought by saying that I was basically saying I wasn’t a fan of him???? Either way how to recover before preceding with the PRO guide?? Thank you so much!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 6:25 pm

hmm..wait first.. you said you mentioned a comment, was the comment conversational or is it something that doesn’t need a reply?
Herewego

September 25, 2016 at 1:58 pm

So I happened to have texted back last afternoon, saying I didn’t hate him and that I’d felt relieved and agreed with him, that the break up was for the best! Then I mentioned a light comment from the topic earlier right after…. needless to say he didn’t respond at all! After such a positive start with responses, to get no response… do you think I messed up by agreeing? That I reinforced some negative thoughts somehow? At this point how should I recover… wait a day, like the guide says, or shoot out a text today? Thank you so so so much!!! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 8:51 am

Hi Herewego,

yeah,that’s ok. It’s like reverse psychology.

Brittany

September 21, 2016 at 9:45 pm

Hello! I first wanted to thank you for all the wonderful advice, it has given me hope and guidance in a very sad and confusing time in my life. That being said, I want to give you some background about my situation and ask for some advice. My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. A little over three months ago, he broke up with me, saying he was unhappy with himself and our relationship and that we both needed time to work on ourselves and he didnt want to try anymore. I was devastated and felt blindsided, but have taken a good look at our relationship and realized he was right. At the time, our relationship was broken beyond repair and a break up was what we needed. After the breakup we texted each other on and off for about two months, always casual and always initiated by me. I wanted to keep him in my life and suggested that we remain friends – he agreed. Around August was when I started reading about the “no contact” rule, and decided that it was something I needed to do for myself to heal and recover, and to give him some time to miss me. I did not contact him for about 45 days, and he made no attempt to contact me during this period. I have used this time to improve and focus on myself, began eating right and exercising (I’ve lost about 27 pounds so far!), and it was essential to get me in the correct mindset. I do believe that we belong together, this was my first real relationship and it was amazing, we did have our fights but at the end of the day we loved each other more than anything. Right now I genuinely think that we could give it another shot, I am a different person with a healthier lifestyle and mindset, and if we were to get together again I think our relationship would be different and better. So following your advice, I sent a first contact text message today. I received what I would consider a positive response (plus he responded in less than three minutes) and ended the conversation on a positive note. I would love if you could give me some advice on where to go from here. I do not want to come off as needy, so should I text him tomorrow or wait a couple of days? The next time I text him, what should it be about? Thank you so much for all of the advice!

Brittany

September 29, 2016 at 10:36 pm

I’m also confused because every other time I have texted him (even before I initiated no contact), he has responded very quickly (usually no longer than five to ten minutes), but also very reserved and almost careful. I thought the quick response time meant he was happy to hear from me, but now I dont know what to think.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 1, 2016 at 1:25 pm

Well, there is a limit to initiating. If he doesn’t reply again. You would wait two weeks and initiate again, if he doesn’t reply to that, then that means it would be better to move on. It’s not a good sign that he didn’t reply but maybe he was just not in the mood to talk at that time.
Brittany

September 29, 2016 at 10:31 pm

I sent him a picture of a really cool antique car (one of his favorite hobbies) that I happened to come across when I was out of town. I’m just worried that if I text him again and continue to be the one initiating the conversations that I will be seen as needy and pathetic. What do I say once it has been a week?
Brittany

September 28, 2016 at 5:57 am

Hey again! So I texted him the day after the first contact text and we had a positive, brief conversation. I then texted him two days later, and he never responded. This was four days ago. What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 29, 2016 at 10:04 am

wait until it’s a week and then you can initiate again.. what was the text you sent?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 23, 2016 at 11:54 am

Hi Brittany,

You can text him again the next day.. Think of topics that he loves that are current. Check this one for other styles in texting:
Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

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