Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message- The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

148 thoughts on “EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message”

Busy Bee

September 10, 2016 at 12:33 pm

Hi… This website has been a good send. I’ve been heartbroken over a relationship that ended very recently. My partner and I were together for 2 years and live together. We were always arguing and I gave too much in the relationship. He was my life. I’ve started the NC but I’m struggling to see how I’ll stick with it. He’s gone away for a few days and I’m visiting my family but when he returns we were due to visit an elderly family member who has been unwell. Also we live together. How do I implement NC when there’s all this going on? Is it enough to keep conversations to a minimum and focus on myself even though we’re living together? How should I react when he texts to arrange visiting the family member?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 10, 2016 at 5:04 pm

Hi busy bee
thank you! yes, you will be doing limited no contact.. you need this check this: EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

Elli

September 9, 2016 at 8:15 am

My long-distance boyfriend broke up with me just before I was moving close to him for a job. He said he just didn’t feel the attraction anymore but that he still cared for me as a friend and that we ‘d still see each other. But now he won’t say more than ‘hello’ in passing, and considering it wasn’t a bad breakup and that he’s in contact with one of his other exes I’m confused that he won’t speak to me, in fact he flinches when he sees me. I haven’t texted him in 2 months now but I want to initiate contact again, but I’m not sure what.

Ellie

September 23, 2016 at 9:55 pm

We’ve always had tons in common, we have similar senses of humour, interests, etc.

I just don’t know how to build that up again since he’s clearly tried hard to not communicate me, but he’s started liking my social media posts etc.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 24, 2016 at 4:10 pm

probably because he doesn’t want you to expect.. so, just take it slow..
Elli

September 20, 2016 at 9:38 pm

How do I develop this rapport? I don’t want to be pushy, but I miss being friends and I even if I can’t get him back I want that friendship.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 22, 2016 at 6:32 pm

hmm.. do you remember how you and girl got along? It’s when you had the same interests and that you spent a lot of time talking about that, or doing that or getting insights from each other about that and you also give and get favors from each other.
It doesn’t stop from just having the same interest but that’s the start of it.

Put yourself in his shoes. What gets you to like somebody? Most of the time, those are the ones you help and help you, the ones that you can talk to about the things that you love talking about. That’s how you build rapport. If you’re the one that’s interested and he’s not, that means he has to see value in you. There has something that would make him want to keep talking to you
Elli

September 18, 2016 at 1:32 pm

I texted him the other day just to ask how he was, and he responded positively, but haven’t heard from him since. (First time I’ve contacted him in 2 months). I’m keeping busy, I’ve always been active, I’m not moping round but I do miss him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 20, 2016 at 2:59 pm

well, it’s good that he responded positively..he really wouldnt be initiating at the start because there’s no rapport yet
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 10, 2016 at 11:10 am

Hi Ellie,

I think he’s not sure if you have moved or not, so he’s being cautious for you not to hope… Start to be friendly only when you see him at his work, use that as a first step.. and are you improving yourself?

Mia

September 2, 2016 at 4:57 am

Hi, so I feel a little hopeless, because was a short relationship, but I had never felt happier or more connected to another human being that I did with him, and he told me the same thing. We met at a wedding in another state only to find out we live two doors down from eachother and work across the street from eachother. He got my # from a mutual friend and we hit it off immediately. After 3 weeks he wanted my daughter and I to meet his family which went amazing, he told me several times he was falling for me. Admittedly, I became afraid of losing him because it seemed to good to be true, so I pushed him away and told him I didn’t think he was ready…then ultimately he told me he wasn’t and wanted to focus on his music and didn’t think he could be what I needed him to be. Then he said let’s still hang out, just take some steps back…but then went silent on me. I sent a drunk text here and there…then finally wrote a letter saying I accept it and will move on, this all happened over about a month and a half, and am now on day 15 of NC. Am I crazy to feel like we are meant to be after such a short time and to want him back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 4:32 pm

HI Mia,

no, it’s normal because it was ended when you were still in the honeymoon period.

Justin

September 1, 2016 at 8:34 pm

Hey so I been starting to read this the other day. I got back with my ex, she left the guy she was talking to while we broke up. Than we started having sex, we were with each other everyday. Than when he messaged her out of nowhere she left me. Only a week passed and he left her she started talking to me again, I been with her 7 years I cheated. When I text so get so into it than she leaves me no response. Than when I ask her to hangout she always says she’ll let me know than another day asks to hangout. I actually messed up and told her I wanted to be with her at the wrong time. She sees me as a friend since she misses him, but she told me there are time she misses me. How do I set a game plan to make sure this time is secure.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 2:04 pm

Hi Justin,
You’re like a reserve guy for her… have you tried the no contact rule?

J

August 26, 2016 at 12:12 am

Hey Amor!

Sorry I’m posting questions all over the place. Emailing u would probably have been more organized at this point. I’m starting to wonder how long I should do NC. I was listening to some of the podcasts today and on one (I think #41?) the caller had a similar situation (ex seems confused, positive relationship, no fights, “good” break up). She originally was doing 30 days but did 25 instead. Chris had said that he probably would have suggested 21 for her because of the break up reason. As u know my ex’s reasoning was not being able to handle a relationship right now due to stress from what I concluded but he still wanted me in his life. My ex has been stalking my snapchat which he was never very active on (I have been very active going out, working out, yoga, meditating, reading, posting great selfies), I assume looking at my Twitter which he has also been more active on than usual, and kindly reached out during my bday which I ignored but he is aware I’ve read it. (Side note: all of this activity is even attracting other guys and even some of my guy friends. My ex before him, who cheated on me, has even started taking notice again trying to reach out. Could I possibly be a UG??) I havnt looked at any of his snaps but I do know he posted something last week from when we had a zoo date 2 months ago. I did peek at his Twitter today tho and he still has our anniversary in his bio. He also liked a tweet about feeling unhappy but trying to find happiness from within. Should I shorten NC to 21 days then judge when I should contact him from there? Stay at 30? Or maybe something in between like 25-28?
Also, I’ve been posting to my guy friends to implement a tiny bit of jealousy here and there (all but one of my friends are guys) and was invited to go see a scary movie with them tomorrow. Would it be good for me to post us having a good time? (I feel like ur going to say yes haha)
Thanks so much! xoxo

J

August 26, 2016 at 12:19 am

Also started NC immediately after the break up. So we havnt spoken at all since that day
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 28, 2016 at 9:55 am

Hi J,

do 30 days..if he sees you’re having funnin social media, he would gwg reminded of the fun times you had together and miss you
J

August 26, 2016 at 12:13 am

This is all just at Day 15 of NC by the way

Tangled

August 25, 2016 at 10:44 am

Hi Chris and Amor,

When I finished NC, the first times we talked it went perfectly and it was 50/50. Then I wrote him three days ago and he answered, everything went well. However, I have an app where I share some pics (of cities, animals, etc) and I didn’t remember that we were sharing that folder, so he saw the pics and thought I sent them in purpose and answered telling “they look beautiful”. I was a bit nervous because that didn’t enter in my plan so I responded “I didn’t know I was sharing them”. Then, next day I thought about it and I felt bad because I thought he would have felt offended because he thought I sent the pics to him and it was a mistake, so I did send him pics on purpose this time and I told him, but this time he hasn’t answered. All of this makes me think about what to do if everything starts going well after NC, but then, suddenly, your ex stops texting you when you are expecting him to do it and you don’t wanna be a text gnat. Should I wait some days and if he doesn’t write, text him? Because for example if he writes in two weeks I don’t know if it’s a good idea not having any contact with him during two weeks just because he isn’t texting me first, but at the same time I don’t wanna be the one starting the conversation always. Btw I am trying to use the techniques so he wants to talk with me and all of that, but just in case he doesn’t write during long periods, should I write first more than once?

Sorry I think this is a long comment. Thanks in advance for your answer.

Tangled

August 29, 2016 at 9:42 pm

Hi Amor

Yes, he finally answered to those pics and it was just a comment but I decided to write him this time through text messages, not by the app. He answered and was nice with me and I ended the conversation with just a few texts. That was 3 days ago and I’m waiting for him to text me. If he doesn’t I’ll follow your advice and write him in some days anyway…
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 29, 2016 at 1:05 pm

Hi Tangled,

just let it rest for a few days and then you can initiate again. The more important thing is that you’re the one to end the convo in high note. It’s been 4 days since you sent this, have you texted him again?

Heartbroken English Girl

August 20, 2016 at 4:34 pm

Hello,

Please can you tell me if it is even worth attempting this first text? I am 20 days into no contact going for the 45 looking at your advice. Some context we broke up 5 months ago “out of the blue” we had just had a lovely romantic weekend away – closer than ever – after nearly a year of going out he had finally told me how much he liked me etc claimed he showed me he loved me every day etc. The weekend before we broke we had spent the weekend together had a great time he had begged me to stay at his when I suggested I may just meet him for the evening due to time constraints. Everything was great then on the Tuesday we talked all day like normal he brought in the dinner items I asked for and talked about him changing his plans to go to the theatre with my family. He arrived at the flat kissed me like normal and then said we need to talk he then proceeded to cry explained that he had spoke to his sister on sunday night and she had broken up with her boyfriend and it had got him thinking and he doesn’t think we should be together – “i deserve more, he’s not ready for how serious a commitment this is and i’m more open with my emotions than he is”. This was conveniently before a lads holiday…. I text a few times saying how I think he had made a mistake he said “he’s made the right decision” When he went away I tried no contact… day 21 he text me I made the mistake on replying which started off friendly conversations. Since then there has been two meet ups which just end up with him going on and on about how he made the right decision and long phone calls and texts which have led to arguments. He says there is no doubt I was great to him and but he doesn’t want a girlfriend for 2-3 years. He has changed his mind lots from we can hang out as friend to now when he says we cant be friends because I slagged him off and we have deleted each other on facebook and snapchat. I know in the last 2 months I am guilty of pestering him but the realisation of us not getting back together killed me more and more – I got more frustrated and upset we weren’t together. From the moment we met there was a spark like no other – I was the first girl that actually got him in a relationship (he’s 24 turning 25 this year). I truly feel we are meant to be together and sure I’ve dated other guys since and it is not the same. Right now all I want to do is get him back but am I being unrealistic? I’ve listened to your podcast and your webinar they all focus on people who have been broken up a month or so… doesn’t give much hope for those who have been in this situation longer. Please can you help me out I’m trying I am – I’m working out 5 times a week, I’ve booked travels all round the world but the only thing that I know will make me truly happy is him. Please just tell me if you think No contact will work and after all the arguments will you “Confession texts” truly be the best method? Thanks in advance 🙂

Heartbroken English Girl

September 2, 2016 at 10:25 pm

Another update… So Day 32 I kinda broke no contact but not properly – sent a congratualation card. 2 reasons – 1) to put me in a good light get rid of anger between us 2) make him feel guilty about the social media making fun of me. Straight away I got a positive text of him saying how nice it was of me – which I ignored! Do you think I did the right thing? Still recommend same tactic for the event next week? Thanks for you advice!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 3, 2016 at 5:15 pm

that’s good that he texted positively bit it’s not actually allowed to greet in occasions during no contact.
this podcast explains why: EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule
Heartbroken English Girl

August 30, 2016 at 6:25 pm

Hello,

Thanks for all your help so far I have an update and its not a good one! I am on day 30 / 45 of NC he has not text me… and even worst his friends have posted on fb making fun / mimicking a post I had with my friends. My ex liked this post and commented on it making jokes. 2 questions – do I confront him about this when I see him at event previously discussed and secondly do I need to give up? The fact he is joining in on this does this mean we will never get back together? I still want the nice him not this one making fun back!

Thanks again 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 31, 2016 at 2:05 pm

nope don’t do that.. brush it off.. he has to see that you are having fun because you are having fun, not just because you’re trying to make him believe in it.
Heartbroken English Girl

August 22, 2016 at 10:01 pm

Thanks for the reply.

What I really don’t understand is why do we have to play games – relationships are about honesty so why do I have to act like I don’t care? Not planning on breaking no contact but we are both going to an event on day 38 – how do I act at this event?

Also why do I need to meet new guys each week? I’ve tried dating he criticised me for it and its not the same as what we had so I finished it with all of them – How does meeting new people help?

Sorry for all questions – help is appreciated!
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 23, 2016 at 8:12 pm

it’s ok.. I understand. That’s actually good.

first, in your case,doing nc is helping you change the way he thinks and expects you to act.. after 2 months of chasing, he would more probably think you’re still that kind of girl.. And you’re right, relationships are about honesty, but you’re not actually in a relationship with him because you’ve broken up.. And I’m pretty sure, your actions to get him back conveyed you still liked him and yet he didn’t reciprocate right?

Meeting new people helps you widen your world, connecting with different kinds of people helps you be more perceptive and it can help you heal too. Not because you’re “dating” but because you’re creating new memories. It’s that feeling of progressing. And when we create and progress, it makes us feel alive which was lacking when we lose somebody or something. It’s not always about romantic dating, you can go for friendly group dates with a mix of guys and girls. Have fun, talk to other people. You’ll understand more why some people are like this or like that and in a sense help you understand your situation with your ex too.

Volunteering is actually a good example of that..

and you can be civil with him in the event, just dont act like you’re so excited or happy to see him or you’re so into him..
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 21, 2016 at 3:09 pm

Hi heartbroken english girl,

we cant recommend that no contact will work but if you’re contemplating on breaking the 45 day rule to text now, I dont think that’s a good plan and how many new people do you meet in a week and get connected to? it’s important..
and also, from 2 months of making him go back with you, he’s probably thinking you’re chasing him.. if you really want a chance, he has to think you have moved on, have your own life, improving yourself and continue to do so while you’re talking to him.

He has to see that you’re this girl that doesnt wnat him anymore and just there to catch up.. when he sees you’re continuously being amazing and yet not always avaialble, yet every talk is just fun and doesnt make him feel pressured, it can spark interest and you should date others during this nc too

Tasha

August 20, 2016 at 11:37 am

Sorry wrong last topic
Hi so my ex-boyfriend and I been dating for almost one year. He broke up with me 2 month ago. During the hard time I didn’t know how to stop contacting him. Also during the time I was moving to a new location due to a new job that he was so support of during the time we were together. Before I left we had our last talk. I left my new area with great faith that we might be together someday but not right now. After moving to my new location I was fine for a while and then one day I miss him so much that I started to contact him. I met up with him once and it didn’t turn out so will I left an appearance of needy. After a while I started to learn about my lesson I made. Recently I guess I made a mistake of not being patience and not properly use my words wisely that I said and done few things. He told me that he’s patience wear thin. I don’t know what to do. Want to have another chance with him. Can you please help me

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 21, 2016 at 1:40 pm

Hi Tasha,

are you going to follow the game plan you first posted?

Tasha

August 20, 2016 at 11:33 am

Alright, in this section I am going to briefly describe the “game plan” for contacting your ex. In no way is this set in stone. However, your best chance of getting him back could very well be the strategy I describe here. I also do want to point out that all I am going to talk about here are the bare essentials. I am not going to go into what you should be saying when you contact him, I wrote an entire page for that.

Step 1: Implement the No Contact Rule. Basically for 30 days you cannot talk to your ex via texting, calling, facebooking, googling, etc. If you screw up and contact him before the 30 days is up then you have to start all over from day 1.

Step 2: After your 30 days are up you are ready to make first contact. The best way to make first contact in my opinion is via a text message. However, you need to make this text message so interesting and fascinating that it will be impossible for him not to respond. That is the way you need to treat this first text. Again, I am not going to give examples here. The page I talked about above has plenty and teaches you how to correctly communicate with your ex via a text message.

Step 3: Once you have reached the ideal place in your communication you are going to ask for a hangout or small meet up if he hasn’t already suggested it. Again, a lot has to happen between step 2 and step 3 and you are going to have to read this page for that. However, you aren’t going to ask for the hang out via a text message you are going to ask for it via a phone call. This is the correct way to use a phone call, after you have already established some rapport with each other. Again, if you want to know what to say during this call you are going to have to visit the page I keep telling you to go read, hint hint!
Lexis

August 19, 2016 at 4:43 pm

Hi, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because he sees me more of a best friend now, but he still loves me. There was nothing wrong in our relationship, we had one rough patch with fighting but got through it, no trust issues, or lying, etc. He freaked out and hysterically started crying when i told him that i can’t just be his best friend so therefore i can’t be in his life anymore. The past 2 months we have been texting on and off, both equally initiating the conversation. We broke up via Skype because we are on vacation from school and live in separate states, and have not seen each other for 3 months. I started no contact 3 days ago and am planning on continuing for a month. We both go back to school in 2 weeks and will see each other because we are neighbors, share a class together, and are in the same clubs. Even worse is we’re both studying abroad in the same country next semester. I’m already thinking of the first text i’m going to send in a month. Should I ask if he wants his stuff back (mainly clothes of his he lent me) or should I initiate a conversation with more of a story/memory?
Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 21, 2016 at 9:59 am

Hi Lexis,

I think it’s better to start a topic instead of asking if he wants his stuff back.. the memory shouldn’t be anything too romantic or dramatic. Be very active in improving yourself and continue doing that even after no contact.

Help!

August 15, 2016 at 2:47 am

My ex is now dating someone else, and is very reluctant to talk to me. He always responds when I reach out to him, but (because of his girlfriend I think) does not carry on conversation much. I have tried No contact for a full 30 days once so far. He was not very willing to talk to me after that, and so in the past month and a half I had sporadically messaged him on Facebook, but nothing has really come of it. Do you think if I extended the no contact rule to being a few months long (I’m studying abroad for 4 months, so I would just talk to him when I got back) it would be helpful to getting him back, or would it just push him closer to his new girlfriend (With me out of the picture) and there would be no hope left for me.

Help!

August 15, 2016 at 11:43 am

Just so you have background on the relationship… we are both college students but we don’t go to the same school (he now goes to the same school as his new girlfriend). We started dating at the end of high school, but have been on and off for 5 years. When we got to college he really wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me, but that wasn’t really what I wanted at the time, so I told him it had to be an open relationship or nothing. Towards the end of the year I began to really want him and only him, which is when I asked him to get back together exclusively and he said no (probably because of this other girl). It already seems like they have a better relationship then I had with him. She is friends with his parents on Facebook and they write on her wall (I never had a relationship with his family). I feel like I’ve already lost, but am really desperate to do whatever it takes to get him back. If that means not talking to him for 4 months that is doable. Or if that means talking to him while I’m abroad and “intervening” that is also doable.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 16, 2016 at 4:47 pm

Hi Help!

yeah, with those information, it looks like they have a deeper relationship even if it was shorter.. but you have more memories so, hold on to that for now.. and I think you should read this blog post: Has He Moved On? How To Get Him Back If He Has A Girlfriend

Blank

August 1, 2016 at 10:31 am

Hey.. i followed nc rule. But i sometimes fail on the text messages because i sometimes ddnt realize that i add 2 or 3 txts. 9th day he txted that he said i love u bfore i said that im going to sleep. But on the 10th day i gave him a compliment. But he later told me that it wsnt him but his classmate. He told me that he thought i already movedon. I guess i was carried by my emotion bcoz i was disappointed. The prev days were fine but aftr the 10th day he seems to be not on the mood. I startd the transision. We called. I never thought that well last for more than 30 mins bcoz he never liked to call unlike today. On the 15th day he went here to watch our program where we will dance he said that he will support me. I try not to xpct again. He went here and we chat. Its a lttle awkward but as time passes he was so sweet. He even treat me bcoz i forgot to eat for we hav to practice. He told me how much he loves me and.. even if were in a ldr. He didnt told that were no longer frnds but couples. Unlike bfore he wants me to b his frnd the reason why we broke up. But now. Evrythng is fine. I guess my efforts and patient ddnt go to waste. But we had a little conflct and i saw him cry. Like in movies xD We cried undr the rain but i resolve it by invitng him to eat at our house now he always tell me he loves me and how he wants to go here even if he ddnt like this town. Thanks guys!! :)) But im still worrued because we have a forbiddn relationshp bcos of my and his family.. thats why we have this secret relationship. Im willing to wait for him till d right time comes even if i might go to other places someday.. i hope i made the right decision but im not the desperate grl like i used to be. I improved. Thanks! Now im going to reccomend this to my friend i really hope u can also help her :* 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 3, 2016 at 11:06 am

Thank you Blank! You know, just enjoy everything.. you basically don’t need our advice now but in regards to his family.. if you’re not doing anything bad, then you don’t have to worry about anything..

Rebecca

July 31, 2016 at 10:11 pm

Hey! About to listen to this… but I wondering if any advice as only on day 7 of no contact but day 30 is when we are due to fly on holiday for 2 weeks!!! Only contact has been him emailing to say we can’t change the names on the flights (which I didn’t reply to as he didn’t ask questions and in NC) so I’m pretty sure we aren’t going. Shall I break NC as we need to work out the holiday? Thinking I shouldn’t and should just accept we aren’y going and try and make other plans… would love someone’s insight re holiday bookings! thanks so much

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 3, 2016 at 9:23 am

Hi Rebecca,

sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.. how are sure that you are not going?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 31, 2016 at 7:06 pm

Hi Jesse,

how much have you improved during this no contact? and what was the topic of your first contact message? maybe choose a more natural topic on the next one and wait for 3 days before trying again..
Little Bit

July 31, 2016 at 1:24 pm

Hi! This was really great! Thank you so much for posting this! I am currently on day 27 of the NC rule & beginning to think of the perfect first contact message. I broke up with my ex & said some really, really harsh words. I was wondering what if he doesn’t reply to “OMG! You’re not going to believe what just happened?” as the first contact message? Can I just put everything I want to say in the first contact message? For example, “OMG! I just had Peter Dinklage on my flight! He plays Tyrion Lannister on G.O.T. Apparently he’s from New Jersey! Made me think of you for the first time in a long time.” Thank you for your help! 🙂

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148 thoughts on “EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message”