In episode 6 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast we are going to be dealing with one of the hardest situations that any woman can find herself in after a breakup, being friends with benefits with an ex.
Now, before I really dive in to the show notes of this episode I have a favor to ask of you.
The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast just went live on iTunes and I would be incredibly grateful if you took five minutes out of your day to leave me an honest review. You have no idea how much it would mean to me if you did this.
All you have to do is visit the link below,
The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast
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Alright, lets talk a little about what is covered in this episode,
What I Talk About In This Episode
- Why Friends With Benefits Is A Bad Idea
- Men Like Challenges
- Why Women End Up In FWB (Friends With Benefits) Situations
- How To Turn A FWB Into A Relationship
- How To Re-Establish Your Value
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
- The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast
- EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?
- What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex
The FWB “Things To Remember” Game Plan
So this game plan consists of six things that you have to do if you find yourself in a friends with benefits situation.
Lets get right to it!
No Sex
Obviously if you sleep with your ex you are going to be of lower value in his eyes so going forward DO NOT DO IT. Avoid it at all costs.
Making Him Commit
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe only time that you should ever even consider sleeping with him is if he actually commits and actually calls you his girlfriend. If you have talked and are considered his girlfriend then you can commit to him.
Keep The Conversation Short
If you do talk to him initially keep the conversations short. You need to regain your value in his eyes. The conversations should be a maximum of ten minutes. Anything longer is pushing it.
His Last Relationship
In Joann’s case her ex boyfriend just broke up with his new girlfriend. Well, if he brings it up that relationship to her she should ignore it or act disinterested.
Redirect The Conversation To Something You Want To Talk About
When you do talk to your ex don’t make it all about him.
Feel free to take control of the conversation and talk about things that interest you.
Don’t Date Him… At First
If he asks you out on a date (which he will) then simply re-schedule the date to the next week. Again, this will raise value in his eyes and force him to chase after you.
I Have A Favor To Ask
I mentioned at the beginning of the episode show notes that I would really appreciate it if you went to my Podcast on iTunes and left a review,
The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast
Well, that is my favor.
Please, visit my podcast page, subscribe, leave an honest review and rating and that would help me out tremendously.
Thank you Ex Boyfriend Recovery Nation!
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 6 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. We’re going to be talking about something really interesting today—friends with benefits.
Before I get into that, I’m going to ask a small favor of you. The Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast just went live on iTunes. I would be extremely grateful if you went to the iTunes page for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast and left an honest review and subscribed. That would help me out tremendously.
I’ll leave the link to the iTunes page in the show notes for this episode. You can find the show notes at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode6.
Let’s get to today’s question from a woman named Joanne:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Joanne. I’m in my 50s. I raised two sons and took care of my parents. During this time, because I was so busy, I guess you could say I had a friend with benefits. Over the years, love developed but never anything serious. He doesn’t want a relationship.
About six months ago, he disappeared. He popped in and out. I found out that he met another woman and had a relationship with her for a few months. They just broke up. I know he’s going to call me. I’m doing the no contact for 30 days.
I’m going to the gym. It really taught me a lesson. I’m really taking care of myself. But I’m not sure how to handle it when he calls me. I read your books. I should know better but maybe you can help me with that. He’s also in his 50s. He likes to flirt. Thank you.”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThank you, Joanne, for that extremely interesting question. For those of you who are listening and didn’t quite catch Joanne’s situation, I’m going to do a quick recap. Joanne has two sons and she’s been taking care of her parents. During this time, she kind of met someone and got into a friends with benefits situation.
She was in this situation for two years. He never really committed to her. Six months ago, he disappeared completely and she found out that he met someone else. After some time, she found out that they broke up. She has a feeling that he’s going to be calling her again soon. She really doesn’t know what to do.
This is a really interesting situation for a number of reasons. Before I dive into it, I want to give you a general overview of a friends with benefits situation. The first thing I want to say is that it’s never really a good idea. There are three reasons for this. Reason number one is that they rarely ever work out long term.
I’ve been doing this for a few years now. I can honestly say that, out of all the situations that I’ve seen on my website, friends with benefits rarely every works out. I rarely see a situation where a couple started out as friends with benefits and ended up getting into a relationship.
If you’re listening to this episode and you’re really into it, I’m assuming that’s what you want to have happen.
Reason number one is that they rarely ever work out. Reason number two is that men like challenges. Someone who is in a friends with benefits situation with a man is not a challenge. The man knows he can get the girl.
Let’s imagine that your “boyfriend” is comparing you to another girl. The other girl is essentially a carbon copy of you. She doesn’t look exactly like you, but on an attractiveness scale, you’re both at the same level. There is one big difference between you and this girl. You are in a friends with benefits situation with your “boyfriend” and this girl is not.
You’re not really committed to your “boyfriend.” This other girl is not in a friends with benefits situation. When he looks at the two of you side by side, he’s going to be more attracted to the girl he doesn’t have versus the girl he knows he can get whenever he wants. That doesn’t ever end well for someone in a friends with benefits situation.
Reason number three for why friends with benefits is not a good idea is that you’re more valuable not being friends with benefits. That ties back into reason number two. On my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I am constantly talking about the un-gettable girl.
It’s this idea where a man falls for a woman he cannot have. What is it about the un-gettable girl that makes her un-gettable? She has high self-esteem. She almost gives off this aura that the man can’t ever have her. It keeps the guy drawn to her. It keeps him coming back for more. Most importantly, she challenges him.
What about being friends with benefits has any of these qualities? Nothing. Friends with benefits has none of these qualities. A woman who is friends with benefits with her friend can’t be an un-gettable girl.
Now I want to talk about how women end up becoming friends with benefits with their exes. What drives them to do it? Obviously, there’s the physical aspect. In a woman’s mind, when she goes through a breakup with her ex-boyfriend, she’s thinking, “How can I get him back? How can I get him to commit to me? What do men like? They like sex. Maybe if I give him sex, he’ll one day wake up and commit to me.” Unfortunately, it never really works out that way.
This is hard to say, but some women just don’t have the self-restraint. They still have tons of feelings for their exes. The feelings are constantly there and they draw upon them. There is that physical attachment to their ex. It becomes quite easy to fall into a situation like that.
Then there is self-esteem. Some women have low self-esteem after a breakup. They want to feel wanted. He picks up on this and takes advantage of them in that way. This is the ex-boyfriend’s fault.
The question you’re asking is, how do I turn this around? How do I turn a friends with benefits situation into a full blown relationship? I’m going to give you a few key pointers on how to do this. I’m not talking specifically about Joanne’s situation yet. I will get to that later. This is more of a general consensus. Joanne, you can get something out of this but this is more for the general listeners.
My tip number one for turning a friends with benefits situation into a full blown relationship is not to have sex with your boyfriend. You need to take that off the table completely. The only time you should ever sleep with him is if he commits to you.
You also want to do the no contact rule. It’s like pressing the reset button on things. Women who are in a friends with benefits situation are not doing the no contact rule. They’re doing the exact opposite of that by sleeping with him. There is nothing valuable about a girl who doesn’t do the no contact rule after a breakup. She most likely will beg or find herself in a friends with benefits situation. That does nothing to help her chances of getting him to commit to her.
Another thing is having your own life or improving your own life. I talked about that in Episode 3 of the podcast. You’ll find a link to that in the show notes so you can go back and listen to it. I covered a situation for a woman who turned her life around. She was having a great life. All of a sudden, her ex came back into the picture.
She was wondering, does having your own life actually help you get your ex back? To put this in perspective, I think it had been years since she and her ex broke up. He came back and was telling her how great she looked and how proud he is of her. Doing this can really help you get your ex back. More importantly, it can help you get out of a friends with benefits situation and raise your value in your ex’s eyes if you are in that situation.
You need to flirt through texting, but if it gets sexual, you cut it off immediately. This final piece of advice is probably the best piece of advice I have. It directly ties into what I just said with flirting through texting.
Friend zone him. This ties into not having sex with him. You know how it’s called FWB? That stands for friends with benefits. You take off the WB and keep the F. Just be friends. Friends don’t sleep together. They’re just friends. You might find yourself in a situation where you’re asked out on a date by him. In this case, go on a public date. Don’t go on a date to his house. He’s just going to want one thing. We all know what that one thing is.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThose are my top tips on how to turn a friends with benefits situation into a relationship. Let’s turn our attention to Joanne and her specific situation. To recap, she’s wondering what to do when her ex calls her. She knows that he’s going to call her. He just went through a breakup. She was already in a friends with benefits situation with him. She wants to turn that around when he calls. What should she do when he calls?
I put together a specific game plan for Joanne to follow. I worked really hard on it. I think it’s a solid game plan. Joanne, if you’re listening, I would follow this. I think this will work in your situation.
There are six main steps to this game plan. They’re mostly guidelines to follow. There is not a specific order. You need to do these things. Thing number one is to have short conversations with him. They should be 10 minutes maximum. Then you cut the conversation off. Since you were in a friends with benefits situation with your ex before, he’s most likely going to try to turn the conversation to something sexual. You’ve already opened the door for him in that way. If that happens, don’t engage him with it. Try to find a good place to end the conversation. You don’t want to hang up immediately. Then he will think, “I scared her off because of that.” You want to wait two or three minutes before you say, “I have to go.”
Thing number two is that he just went through a breakup. If you’re talking to him and he brings up his last relationship, just act disinterested, but not in a way where you’re rude about it. Simply turn the conversation to something you want to talk about. If he brings up his last relationship, act disinterested.
Thing number three is to turn the conversation to something that you want to talk about, something that interests you. This is not all about him. It’s about you, too.
Here is thing number four. You were in a friends with benefits situation with him and you two slept together. You already opened the door and he is probably going to want this. At all costs, do not sleep with him. You will lose all value in his eyes. Like I said, you need to become the un-gettable girl. If you sleep with him, you will not be the un-gettable girl.
Then there is nothing about you that he can’t have, that he will strive to get. Men always need to feel like they’re winning something. We are competitive creatures. A girl who we can get, there is nothing valuable about her when you’re dating. Thing number four is not to sleep with him.
Here is thing number five. Obviously, you do want him back. The physical aspects of a relationship have to come back when that happens. Just don’t sleep with him until you get him to commit. It’s that simple.
Here is thing number six. This is a clever one that my wife gave me advice on. Don’t go on a first date with him. If he asks you out on a date, do not go on a first date with him. Make him reschedule. Let’s say he asks you out to Starbucks. He calls you up one day and says, “Joanne, I really miss you. I miss talking to you. Let’s go to Starbucks. Let’s catch up.”
I would consider that a date. Technically, it might be a hangout, but I’d consider it a date. If that happens, you can say, “Tuesday is not good for me. Can we reschedule for next week maybe?” That will raise your value in his eyes.
All of a sudden, you’ve put him in a position where he has to chase you or work for that date. Since you’ve already opened the physical door of being friends with benefits, he’s going to be more likely to chase you. In his mind, he wants those benefits. Obviously, you’re not going to give them to him.
You’re going to consistently put him in a place where he’s chasing. When you have him in a place where he’s chasing, it’s a way to kickstart his feelings. Maybe it’s a little bit unorthodox. Men are competitive. If you put him in a situation where he’s constantly chasing you, your value rises. All of a sudden, he thinks, “I have to commit to her to get the physical benefits.” He’ll start to consider it.
Those are your six guidelines to follow if your ex does call after the breakup. I really hope they help you. I hope all of the listeners enjoyed this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Again, the podcast just went live on iTunes. I would be extremely grateful if you visited the page for this episode and left an honest review on the podcast. It would help me out tremendously. You can go to the show notes to find that iTunes page, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode6.
I hope you have a great day. I will talk to you tomorrow.
Era
September 25, 2024 at 5:28 am
I had a one night stand with my crush on our first met up. We live far away from each other but we still in contact on social media. He knew I love him. We had a fight which is also happened a few times before and in our recent fight, he said he wants to block me but he never did (maybe because of me blocked him before. I realized my mistakes and i unblocked him soon after)
We did opened up and he said he used to like me before we had our fight but now he said he feel empty.
Does no contact rule work on my situation.
Ina
January 24, 2022 at 8:38 am
Me and my Friend with benefits-boyfriend have been dating for about a year. We have not slept together but we have cuddled and stuff. This all went on for about a year that we had met from time to time, about 10 times a year. Then we would have a few months break and then met half a year a little more often, about 15 times. I don’t just have two or three dates with other guys during this time but this were only coffee and cinema dates. He knew that I still wanted a relationship with him. He liked me but he was not so in love that it was enough for a relationship.
During this time, I assume and know, he would have slept with other women etc..(but I don’t ask him directly and he didn’t have said this) I know I made the mistake of allowing us to get a little intimate before he told me that I was his girlfriend. I have said a few times that I would like him to tell me if he wants a relationship with me, but then who just hugged me and avoided the question. I know I made a mistake in allowing us to continue seeing each other even though I wanted something else from him and he probably thought if she accepted that situation, than he could just continue the friends with benefits situation Now are back on cell phone and I’m trying to get him to see me as girlfriend material. But I’m hurt by the fact that when I wanted him, and we had met, that he had slept with other women during that time. I feel cheated. Can you say that he cheated me in a way?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 13, 2022 at 1:22 pm
Hi Ina, no if you are friends with benefits, then he is free to do what he pleases in a way. I understand why you are hurt and feel cheated as you have feelings for him. This is why we always say that you do not allow yourself to fall into this open relationship / friends with benefits situation as you will end up getting hurt or the other person does. I would suggest that you approach the situation about being official with him, if he avoids answering the question or turns you do that you take that as a no and start following the program, this begins with NC
Radka
November 20, 2018 at 7:16 pm
me and my ex broke up in february but thing went on and off until may, then he decided to break up for good. I moved on with my life, worked on myself, he was checking me on snapchat every time and then in august he contacted me. I didnt response, since I was dating another guy, but my ex wrote me again 2 weeks later asking if we could talk. we were texting for a couple of hours, he apologised for being an asshole after our break up (I was pregnant when we broke up in february and lost the baby before an abortion was planned and it was too much for him and he wanted to take time off so we did nc for 6 weeks and then in may he said he cant do this cause it was just way too much and that it wouldnt work between us), we talked about that, he asked me if I am alright after everything I have been through and that he is sorry he didnt stand by my side, I told him it is all in the past where it stays and we changed topic into something normal, then I didnt reply anymore. He came back 2 weeks later and we have been in touch since then. The thing with another guy didnt work out cause I realised I am still in love with my ex. 2,5 months later (we have been texting a lot, whenever I didnt reply he found another reason how to start a conversation) he was flirting with me one evening (nothing sexual, it was just cute) and asked if we could meet. we met a couple days later and had sex what I know was a mistake. He stayed in touch, was actually very nice to me and whenever I didnt reply he wrote me again. I asked him if we wanna hang out again and he said: sure why not? so I asked him what are his intentions behind all of this, and he replied: I can tell you what arent my intentions, and thats another relationship. If my feeling change I will tell you. i know how it is to constantly hope that my feelings could change and when they do I would tell you. We can stay friends, I would like to add benefits to it but if thats something what u dont want then thats the way it is. I didnt reply cause I was shocked . it hurt me so much cause he apologised for everything in past and then came with this proposition. he texted me again day after saying: i take it as no, well that fine…..I know it is not cause I obviously took away his toy, I was there for 2,5 months , helped me when he was feeling down, he actually asked m if I could help him after surgery cause when we were together I always took care of him and that he might need me again (that was before I asked what his intentions were)….his surgery is tomorrow and I care about him and I want him yo be ok but idk if I could tell him I dont wanna be fwb and cause I am worth more and wish him luck with surgery or just go into nc directly….
Chris Seiter
November 20, 2018 at 9:48 pm
Hi Radka!
I see you have been thru a lot. Given this is a surgical event, then wishing him well would be good manners. NC is then available to you. But be sure you do it in the way I teach it in my Program. Visit my Home Page for some of the books and tools that can be of help!
Naf
September 12, 2018 at 9:11 am
Hello
It has been a 2months that i met a guy (distant relationship ).Since i knew most men they want to have FWB relationship ratter than commitment .So as soon as he started to ask me some sexual questions,i told him i have been in FWB relationships before.He was glad and he said nobody has ever been such honest with him and USUALLY women dont accept from the begging to be in a FWB relationship but he said he wants MORE than FWB relationship with me and NOT just focus on sexual topics (which are all lots of questions that he asks me to know what i like in bed)..I tried to show him im very cool girl but you know honestly i want serious relationship but from my experiences that i had,men are hard to make a decisions.
Please help me how can i switch the FWB relationship to a relationship with commitments?
(I contact here from the begging of my relationship to not doing anything wrong)
Stella
March 21, 2018 at 1:32 pm
Hi..
I had a closure with my ex yesterday (its been around two months since we broke up, I did the no contact rule for around 15 days in which later he text asking whether I’m free to meet to talk about our relationship) and he told me he want to stay as friends for now because he is busy with work and family matter and want to focus on them also, he felt for his age he needs to have some sort of achievement first before committing back into a relationship.. When I told him I wouldnt mind waiting for him and like how we could have go through it today, he said it was unfair for me and like dont wait for him because he don’t know when he will be finished with his family matters.. And he said like how in the future either of us, we will might meet someone we are interested in to date and if that time comes, we are to be sure to let one another know about it… Now he still wants to keep in contact with me, hang out when he is free and even ask abt fwb but he said he wouldn’t do that if I’m not comfortable with it.. What should I do..? I really tried moving on but I love him till the point that I really want him back and it felt like a one way effort since my decision all along is to get back together but his decision really broke my heart…. Send help..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 27, 2018 at 12:30 pm
Hi Stella,
That means he just wants to be fwb. Moving on means going forward no matter what you feel…
Ghosted
February 19, 2018 at 6:43 am
Hello!
I met this guy on tinder just over a year ago and we hit it off amazingly. However he acted like I was his gf right away which freaked me out so I pulled back a little and was no as affectionate as him…I just like to get to know someone first and be super affectionate when we are established as bf/gf. Anyways maybe it’s because I held back and he mirrored it, we seemed to have landed as FWB. We never established what we were but we talked a lot and weell slept together…for a year. I had a feeling maybe he was going on other dates too, but he always had me and we always had a great time. I did hope for more as I got to know him but we never had a conversation about what we were. Bad I know. Anyways last month he texted me to go over cuz he wanted cuddles…I went and we had a great time. I texted him a few days later…and a few days after that. We had a normal convo. Then I decided to not text him randomly. I will go NC to build my value and see if he would want me as more tha fwb….so I let 3 weeks go by. He didn’t text me which is quit abnormal. I texted him 3 weeks later…no reply. Which is something he never does. He always replied. I tried texting again days later, a question. No reply. Then I called him a few days later. Nothing. Has he ghosted me?! Someone he’s known for a year and has spoke with almost every week since then? I’m not sure what to do…I just want him to see me as more than fwb…
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 21, 2018 at 11:46 am
Hi,
Yes, you’re ghosted. Well, you have to follow the advice on the link below and don’t sleep with him again.
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Ghosted You
Unsure
December 26, 2017 at 5:11 am
I commented earlier and don’t know how to respond to the response on my original post. Anyhow. It’s been 8 months since my last comment. I had asked him about moving in and marriage because we talked a tiny bit about it when we were together, and we were in a long distance relationship, so it seemed that would be the only fix as the distance was our issue.
To answer your reply, when he asks about sex I had turned it down, however I went to see him shortly after writing on here and we did. I spent 2 weeks with him in his town, and when I came home we have been talking every day since. But nothing about relationship has come up. It’s been about 8 months of friendship/benefits. I recently started No contact again because after reading advice on here that seemed best. I cut off contact and didn’t reply to his messages for 15 days now.
What should I do after? Just go through the re contacting texts again. How do I turn it into a relationship again? When is appropriate to bring it up and how. It’s been about 2 and a half years of this total. 1 year dated, broke up, did no contact, but ended up dating someone new, broke up with the new guy, stayed friends with the ex that I want back the whole time.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 27, 2017 at 10:34 pm
You have a small chance because you’ve been fwb for so long that’s what you are to him..do at least 45 days and take it slow in building rapport after that and dont sleep with him again
Really confused
November 22, 2017 at 10:31 am
Id really really appreciate if someone could get back to me in this i have commented for advice on a few podcasts & got nothing back so plz help a lady out.
I have realised now i have fell into the fwb’s.
My ex contacted me to see if we could maybe sort something after 7 weeks of me doing nc to which I thought it had worked he was chasing me, now one min hot the next cold. Also after 3week of us breaking up after a 10 year relationship & 2 children he has a girlfriend. Anyways before nc we spent time together then I decided no I need him to commit thats were the nc came in. We are speaking 3weeks now & I am still spending time with him (sexually) he contacts me most days. Anyway he still has this gf after telling me he wasn’t happy & they fight alot & he will finish her but still hasn’t but spends time with me. I realise now I need to stop sleeping with him but that isn’t the problem i can do this I need to know what else to do to get him to commit & come home to his family for a fresh start?? In total we are broke up 5 months soon. I now see how he lost attraction towards me & i have fixed this i am back to been happy & positive I just need to know what else I can do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 24, 2017 at 3:51 am
It’s not a no contact period if you kept talking to him..worse, still sleeping with him.. So, that’s good that you stopped.. Are you going to follow the advice above? Aside from that check this one:
EBR 030: What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend
Angeli
June 6, 2017 at 6:38 pm
my ex and i actually slept together once recently. we are still doing FWB. my ex told me if i am feeling uncomfortable or don’t wanna continue FWB anymore, i can tell him and he will respect that. i feel like he does see value in me still but maybe he just doesn’t seem to want to be in a relationship yet. we have been friends for a long time now and we have opened up more to each other too. he sees me as a nice, caring and respectful friend that listens to his problems. we are just doing FWB coz we both have a high sex drive and we just want to fill those needs. do u think this can be a rare situation where FWB can turn into a relationship if i also increase the times as hanging out as friends, increasing attraction and good feelings, and getting closer with him without doing the relationship stuff? (except the sexual stuff). or should i really just stop the FWB?
Angeli
June 6, 2017 at 6:39 pm
i also forgot to mention. he once thought i was doing FWB another person and got kinda upset. can that mean anything? or am i just overthinking the little things?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 9, 2017 at 3:05 pm
sorry this was supposed to be the link:
Sleeping with Your Ex Boyfriend… Does It Work?
he probably thought about that because you’re doing it with him.. but it’s not really a good sign..
Sarv
May 2, 2017 at 10:22 am
Hi
So I called off our fwb with this guy, we ve been together for 9 months or so.. he used to be a friend of my ex who broke up with me, cheatting, over a year ago. My ex and his gf have left the country in february and my fwb has no contact with him anymore.. over the past few months we did a lot of things together as if it was a private, secret relationship.. we coocked, talked hung out even with his brother and other stuff. We have a group of mutual friends as well… so it turns out the inly reason he doesnt want a relationship with me is my ex.. he feels being judged if he goes public with me
I told him thatI prefer to have a boyfriend now and it is better to stop our fwb, I value our friendship and I don wanna rouin it by complecation,becuase we are emotionally attached and he agreed very quickly.. said his only objection to official relationship was that he knew me because he knew my ex!
I just went into no contact even he offered to pick me up for work in the morning and I refused by saying i need to go earlier today.. yesterday he liked my fb status, and he usually doesnt like anything on my fb…
I kept the distance and I know he misses me as well
Do you think he could change his mind and come back?
Sarv
May 2, 2017 at 11:00 pm
Hi there again
Thanks for the response..
I feel like I need to mention some other stuff.. I was the one who started the fwb, and during our time he has been asking weird questions, like didn’t you think that I might reject you when you tried to initiate? Or being very insecure about my emotional state of mind towards him..
And in the end I cut off the whole thing.. and finally I cannot do a normal NC since we are close friends.. but I manage to see him much less than our usual times.. after 2 days of me being disapeared he texted me and then hours later called mesaying that he wants to come over and see me cuz he is bored :))
Then after few hours calls me to hang out for watching a game at a pub.. for the last offer I accepted cuz it sounds weird if I completely avoid him.. but when he asked if Im gonna join them for tomoro nite, I said I dont think so.. btw, I expected him to come with a group of friends but he just took one of them…
Anyways to me it sounded like him saying “I missed you” in a weird way.. but I amtrying to be realistic and keep my distance.. do you have any comment on this situation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 3, 2017 at 6:27 pm
that’s normal he’s used to having you around, if you want to be more than friends or friends with benefits, do full nc
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 2, 2017 at 5:35 pm
it’s hard to get out of fwb because when you did it for a long time, he’s already labeled you in his mind as fwb only. Time and constant refusing to be fwb again is your only choice.. you can do nc ifyou want and then slowly build rapport..set a limit until when you would do it..just dont sleep with him..
Unsure
April 24, 2017 at 7:58 pm
My situation is complicated. I’ve read a bunch of articles on here pertaining to my situation because there is a lot to it. Me and my ex dated for a year. We ended it a year ago. At that time I did the no contact, and it seemed successful in a lot of ways. But, when I reconnected after the no contact, I ended up going on a date with him again. It went amazing. Everything looked like it was going to work out. But, then I met someone else, I weighed the pros and cons and decided to go for the new guy because it was easier. After a month with the new guy my ex called me and was asking why I hadn’t talked to him and he was worried. I told him the truth, that I had met someone and that he was a great guy, and that I still loved him, but I just didn’t see how it was going to work anymore. I told him, that if he were to fully commit to me, and move in together and start talking about marriage I would leave the new guy. He responded that all of that was a lot to take in and that he just wasn’t 100% sure he wanted to marry me right now and that he didn’t expect me to wait around for him.
We stayed friends, talking maybe once a month to catch up.
After 6 months with the new guy, he turned out to be a horrible guy who treated me terribly and I luckily got out before it got too bad.
I called my ex and told him all about it. He was very sweet and told me he would be there for me. We have been talking more and more.
As of right now we talk every day, but the conversation never turns to what we are, or will be. A lot of the time he brings up sex. I don’t know if I should do the no contact again, or what I should do.
If you can give me any advice on this that would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 29, 2017 at 8:50 pm
asking for marriage right off the bat is too much.. it’s like asking a stranger on a first date to marry you.. what do you say to him when he asks for sex?
Confused
March 28, 2017 at 3:30 am
Me and my “guy ” and I say it that way because we’re not officially together. We basically have been dating for 1 year and 7 months. The first 8 months we just hooked up and hung out sometimes (he has just broken up with his ex of 7 Years) . Then for 4 months we started always just hangout toghter , talked everyday and met each others friends and family . Then the past 7 months we started telling each other we loved each other and have been spending basically everyday toghter , something’s he even introduces me as his girlfriend. We do everything like a couple . But we aren’t official he asked me out once , in December but I denied because I thought he was only asking so I didn’t leave him after I found out he had pictures of his ex still in his phone . Once I asked him out in February and he said he wasn’t ready . I know he honestly loves and cares about me.
But I’m confused .
am I a friends with benefits ? Since we’re not technically toghter
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 28, 2017 at 6:11 pm
Hi confused,
yes,because it’s not official
Emma
March 12, 2017 at 2:35 am
Hi, so I have a question relating to this, my ex and I broke up about 5-6mnths ago I did the no contact for 30 days and then initiated contact to catchup this was followed by another catchup and then just this week I ended up at his when the intention was to go to the movies. We ended up sleeping together I did tell him straight away that as much as I enjoyed the connection between us again I wasn’t interested in being FWB and he was cool with that and said he still wanted to hangout. So we caught up again at the end of that same week and it went back to being just friends again … but I kind of freaked out and didn’t want to be friend zoned again so I sent him a msg saying ” I still have feelings for you and Monday reminded me of what we had and what I want whether its with you or someone else ” I did say that I’m open to talk about it but I don’t think we should hangout as friends. He hasn’t replied and I’m just wondering if thats ultimately his answer and I just need to move on?
Emma
March 15, 2017 at 9:14 am
Hi Amor
He did we ended up meeting up and talking about it he said that he really enjoys hanging out with me and that I’m so easy to talk to and that he really does still want to hangout but he doesn’t think that he has as stronger feelings for me as I do for him, I told him that he doesn’t know my feelings his just guessing and that I just wanted to see where it would go and that he can’t have his cake and eat it to if he wants me in his life he knows what I want .. He said that his confused and because his feeling that way it means that he can’t try again, he did say that it was hard for him to say it and that both of us were hoping for something that didn’t end up happening, as where both still attracted to each other and enjoy spending time together.
So at this point we said our goodbyes and I think I’m just going to let him sort his stuff out and hopefully miss me or do you think his pretty much ended it and theres no going back there?
Emma
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2017 at 2:25 pm
set a limit until when you would give him time before moving on.. during it, dont stop living your life..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 14, 2017 at 6:24 pm
Hi Emma,
has he replied now?
Bianca
March 10, 2017 at 12:16 am
Thank you so much for your site. I read your article and have some questions specifically for my situation. This guy and I fell for each other quickly and got into a relationship immediately. After a month, we broke up after a trivial argument. We started talking again after a couple of weeks and I made the mistake of sleeping with him (thinking it would make him want to get back together). Of course, all it did was start an FWB relationship. About 5 months into this FWB relationship, he gets another girlfriend. This lasted 4 months and he called me back. I made myself too available for him and started our FWB relationship again. Just last week, he opened up to me and told me he loved me and told me his hesitations with getting into a relationship with him. I told him I loved him too and he told me he wanted to see me soon. I thought things were going to get better since we opened up but just this week I asked him if he wanted to get together and he said he was extremely busy this week and he’ll contact me when his schedule frees up. I never responded to that last text. Should my next move be to initiate an NC if he contacts me? Or should I just say I’m not available if he wants to get together? Also, it’s not clear to me if I should upfront with him about not wanting to go to his house anymore or should I just keep saying I’m not available until he decides to take me out on a “real date” (other than his house)? Please help!! Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 10, 2017 at 7:55 am
Hi Bianca,
nope..just start the nc rule.. and do atleast 30 days..
Sally
February 8, 2017 at 6:24 pm
Hi?
Well i told my ex we can’t have sex anymore. I have been an fwb for four months but I’ve not had sex with him this year.He then asked me not to be angry at him if he gets a girl. I said it’s okay and he asked me why i can’t give him sex.. Please advice me on what to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 9, 2017 at 11:24 am
Hi Sally,
tell him because you’re not that person anymore..
Kylie d
January 21, 2017 at 6:53 am
Hi I tried adding a comment earlier but I think it never posted. So it’s me again.. 🙂
I tried the no contact but broke it a week in because he texted me and I responded. Things were seemingly going well and then they got back like before (before is no good). So I decided to try no contact again. I decided to try it again because we got into a small argument and I realized that clearly trying to get him to go out with me the way I’ve been doing it up until now is not working. So he texted me a couple hours after the argument and apologized but I didn’t respond (since I had decided to do no contact). And now on day 2 he texted me again asking me if I hate him (I’m assuming because I didn’t respond to his apology). I know I’m doing no contact but should I respond? He’s told me before that I can be overdramatic so I really don’t want him to think that that’s what I’m doing. I’m in love with him and would love to have a serious relationship with him. So do I even have a shot? And also should I respond and if you think I should, what should I say?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 22, 2017 at 9:45 am
just tell him “nope, but I need space for myself” and then stick to no contact and improve yourself
Kylie d
January 5, 2017 at 10:15 am
My situation is a little bit tricky. I’m fwb with a guy. It’s been going on for a little over a year now. I met this guy at work. We became pretty good friends and then started hooking up. At first it was once every two weeks, then once a week, and then twice. I’m 21 and he’s 22 and we both go to the same college. When we got closer I suggested we take a class together and at first it seemed like he was unsure but eventually he agreed and we did. This was 6 months in when we started the class. Monday-Thursday we’d go to class, then work, and then I’d go over to his house and spend the night then repeat. During this time everything was going really well. We became really close. I confessed to him that I had lost my virginity to him. Everything was great until I found myself contacting him on Friday-Sunday when we didn’t have school and our work schedules were different that I realized that I would be upset when he didn’t want to/or couldn’t hang out with me. That’s when I started realizing that I was being clingy. This was towards the end of the summer semester. I started contacting him less and I noticed that on days where I wouldn’t text/call him he’d text/call me. Eventually things got weird. We started arguing about stupid things. We’d argue over work and stupid things like that. We started talking about our arguments and tried to fix them. Sometimes we’d be fine for a while but eventually we’d argue about some nonsense. I noticed he started withdrawing from me. I asked him about it and he said it was because “he’d rather deal with not seeing me because it guaranteed that we wouldn’t argue”. Ironically shortly after we both got different jobs. I thought this was a good thing because I realized that a lot of our arguments were work-related so I figured that if we didn’t work together then we wouldn’t argue as much. Boy was I wrong! ( I’ll get into that after this). One night we’re we had both been drinking I told him that I was in love with him. He said he liked me too but that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. ( He had just broken up with his ex of 4 years when we started talking). I started saying “I love you” to him all the time. At first he reciprocated the affection (he never said it back though) and after a couple weeks he began to withdraw from me. I realized I was the only one making an effort to see him or communicate with him. I questioned him about it and he said he felt pressured. During this time I found out that he still kept in contact with his ex. I asked him if he panned on getting back with her. He told me he “didn’t think so but the fact that he still responded to her messages said something”. I KNOW that at this point I probably should be stopped seeing him but I was so in love. Going back to the arguing, we continued to argue A LOT. Our arguments got worse to the point of me going to his house without his consent and him kicking me out and me refusing to leave. We had a bad argument once on a Sunday. I refused to leave his house and he carried me out. When I finally realized how out of control the situation was I panicked. I asked him to call me (I was at work) and after much pleading he did. I begged him to see me after work and he finally accepted. We talked and both apologized for our wrong-doings. He said he needed space so I didn’t contact him for 4 days (I know that’s not much). But we agreed to hangout on Friday. I texted him to see if we were still going to hang out at 5pm and he said yes. So I decided to go and buy drinks for us (we had agreed to drink that night). I texted him when I was at the store to see what he wanted to drink and he didn’t respond. I waited. Texted him at 6:30 to see if we could meet up already and he didn’t respond. I waited. Called him at 7 and no response. Finally at around 9:30 I called and got no answer. I drove by his house and saw that his friends car was there. I was upset cause we had agreed to hangout and it appeared that he had been blowing me off for his friend. I texted him shortly after saying something along the lines of ” if you don’t want to hang out anymore it’s fine. I don’t want to be an annoyance to you” he texted me back and said “that I was doing the most and that of course he didn’t want to hang out with me now” I called him and he didn’t answer. Called again asking him if we could talk. He refused. I went to his house. His friend was leaving when I got there. I asked him if we could talk. He refused initially but then agreed. That ended terribly with him calling the cops on me since I refused to leave. I agreed to leave and he agreed to call me when the cops had left. He called me an hour and a half later. I apologized and in he middle of me explaining myself he hung up on me. I decided not to call him back to give him some time to cool down. When I tried calling him 30 minutes later his phone was off. So I called his house phone and left a message apologizing. I texted him the next day and no response. Called and no answer. Text and called him the day after that and no response. 3 days later I called him and got no answer. 2 days after that I texted him and nothing. 2 days again and nothing. 3 days after that I texted him asking if we could talk. He responded and said he couldn’t because he worked. I asked him if he worked the next day and he said no. So I asked if we could talk and he agreed. I worked that day and got off at 5 so I texted him an hour before I was off to ensure that he still wanted to. No answer. So stayed at work until 5:45 and he called me at the time I got off. We talked and it was weird at frist. He was really distant and then somehow it seemed normal again. I drove home while I was talking to him and when I got near his house asked to see him (his house is on my way to my house)He didn’t really want to but agreed. We talked. We both said we missed each other. We got food and hung out. We ended up sleeping together. I thought things were back to normal but he was really distant now. He wouldn’t respond to a lot of my messages and when he would he’d respond hours later. This was about two weeks ago. We hung out Sunday night and I spent the night. Also last night. I don’t want to jinx it and I know that I could be very wrong but things seem to be going well again. I can see myself getting pushy/clingy again so my dilemma is this: how do I continue this without being like before (clingy and needy) and if possible get him to want to be with me in a real relationship (I could be wrong but I feel like the main reason he wound want to be my boyfriend is because of my clingyness. I’m sure he thinks it would intensify if we were in a REAL relationship.
Kylie d
January 5, 2017 at 10:25 am
Something I forgot to mention: we hung out yesterday. It went well (we slept together) but ended not to well. He didn’t want me to spend the night and I kind of convinced him to let me. He was kind of mean to me in the morning. I ended up leaving because I could tell I wasn’t being welcomed. He sent me a text apologizing in the afternoon and wishing me a good day. I responded apologizing as well and wishing him the same. (He didn’t respond after that). Should I try the no contact?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2017 at 7:55 pm
Hi Kylie,
if you really want a chance for a serious relationship,.dont ever sleep with him. Because, why would he commit when he can knows you’ll give what he’s wants without it? And yes, you’re clinginess is also one of the big reasons he won’t too. How to stop being clingy? Don’t ever demand. First, you’re not together. Second, even if you’re together, it’s not healthy to be too clingy. It shows you make your world revolve around him because you don’t have your own life..
Kylie
November 7, 2016 at 6:06 pm
My situation is super complicated. My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago. We didn’t talk for 2 and then he texted and said he wanted to be friends. I agreed but of course was still in love with him. Last week he texted me at 2 in the morning saying he missed me. We talked for a few hours and he told me that he wanted a physical relationship but not an emotional one. We met and talked the next day and he said he wanted to be friends with benefits and I said no. He then told me he wanted to date again but he wanted it to be perfect. Long story short, he changed his mind and didn’t want a relationship. I was desperate and agreed to be friends with benefits which only lasted for a few days before he broke it off. Saying he just wanted to be friends. Today is day 1 of the no contact rule. But other than that I have no idea what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 9, 2016 at 1:48 am
Hi Kylie
looks like that’s all what he really wanted. Do you want to try the advice in the podcast?
Ella
November 5, 2016 at 11:17 pm
Hi Amor! Thank you for your previous advices. I am on day 8 in my NC, me and my x were friends the 6 weeks between breakup and me starting NC. The first week we slept together twice, after that I said no. We were still friends. Now he keeps texting me, he contacted me thru snapchat and text everyday since I started NC. Saying everything from how our cat killed her first mouse to asking me to come over and watch our series. I have not replied. When it comes to work, he can contact me on a messengersystem and then I have to talk to him. But in what other cases should I consider breaking NC? Should I reply something when he asks me to come and watch the series? Ps: there was no yelling pr bad words in the breakup or the 6 weeks before NC, but I was a little controlling/clingy in our relationship (he first chased me down 3 years ago and got me, then roles reversed).
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 1:55 am
Hi Ella,
check this one:
EBR 046: Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?
Nicola
September 9, 2016 at 8:03 pm
I successfully completed NC with a FWB guy 5 days ago.
(Back story: we were FWBs, but I wanted more and he just wanted to keep sleeping with me and anyone else who took his fancy. I ended it and went straight into NC)
He messaged me at least once a week through it. I did not respond to any of them.
I did get back in contact with him this week and he was straight away inviting me over to his. I said no and that I wanted to do something fun at the end of the week because I was “busy”. We agreed to do something, but then he changed his mind and wanted me to just go to his to “cuddle”. His words not mine. He then changed his mind again saying that if I want more then we shouldn’t meet up. I said I didn’t want more with him. He then got in a mood with me and got even more in a mood when I said I didn’t want to sleep with him. He got quite spiteful and mean and deleted my number but didn’t block me completely on Whatsapp. I kept calm and didn’t have a go at him or anything. Just said I didn’t want to fight with him.
I have literally just this moment friend zoned him. I was going to go and see him but realised it was a stupid and bad idea. He’s tried to turn it around by saying he wants me to put in a good word for him with a girl I work with. (He used to work with us and I’d like to point out I’ve told this girl all about him! Which he doesn’t know). I’ve cut the conversation off and said I was going out. (I haven’t gone out just didn’t want to talk to him whilst he was being a tool about wanting me to put in a good word with this girl)
Am I doing the right thing? He is very childish and selfish (he’s 27 and I’m 32) but I do have very strong feelings towards him. We have a lot in common and can have really in depth conversations. I am fully prepared to walk away from him nevertheless.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 10, 2016 at 3:41 pm
Hi Nicola
yes,nicol.. all the actions you were right.. It looks like you know how to control your emotions