How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship

74 thoughts on “EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship”

Nat

February 5, 2016 at 10:17 am

Well I’ve had an on and off fwb for a few years.
Off when he started dating someone but us being friends (without benefits) caused them to break up. He came back.
But I want and deserve more so I ended it.

Now he’s acting like boyfriend without the sex. It’s like two halves of a relationship at different times.
I never contact him first.
I say to myself I can’t wait anymore but I have no choice. I hit the gym everyday, I have a busy social life and I work hard but there’s no room for a man when I’m in love with this one.

Nat

February 5, 2016 at 3:23 pm

Thank you Amor for the reply.
We are good friends at the moment but I leave it to him to get in touch.
I have tried no contact with him in the past, about 9 months.
I have found this actually made it worse as I was left with nothing but good memories (we have never argued), with just these thoughts left to stew it just made me miss him more instead of forgetting.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2016 at 11:13 am

Hi Nat,
did you mean you’re doing no contact now?

goddess0130

December 10, 2015 at 6:05 pm

I was in a fwb relationship for about 3 months. Then he stopped contacting me and I found out last week that he is dating someone new now. He said he had to talk to me about something and needed to get something off his chest, but never called to tell me what that was. I really liked him and I was wondering should I just let it go and move on or is there a chance I could get him back again even though we were never together and we were only fwb for such a short while. I haven’t talked to him for about a week when he didn’t call I didn’t reach out either. I work with him also so I am dreading running into him. But I have unfriended, unfollowed and blocked him on FB and Instagram, and have also deleted his contact information so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him, but forwarded his number to one of my friends for safe keeping. What should I do at this point Chris?
goddess0130

December 10, 2015 at 6:02 pm

I was in a fwb relationship for about 3 months. Then he stopped contacting me and I found out last week that he is dating someone new now. He said he had to talk to me about something and needed to get something off his chest, but never called to tell me what that was. I really liked him and I was wondering should I just let it go and move on or is there a chance I could get him back again even though we were never together and we were only fwb for such a short while. I haven’t talked to him for about a week when he didn’t call I didn’t reach out either. I work with him also so I am dreading running into him. But I have deleted him from FB, Instagram, and have also deleted his contact information so I wouldn’t contact him, but forwarded his number to one of my friends for safe keeping. What should I do at this point Chris?
mary

June 7, 2015 at 11:52 pm

hi chris i need ur help the guy im dating is always trying to break up with me but 3 days ago we talked about it and everything was great now he told me he never ever will commit never, that i should take it or leave it , i said ok but im not ok with that, if i start the NC he will say is cause of this, and will be like choosing the 2 option
so what should i do
please chris answer me, Thanks

Stella

July 31, 2015 at 9:38 am

Hi Mary,am in the same situation.Did things change on your side?

Amanda

June 7, 2015 at 10:23 pm

Hi –
I am Amanda and I had a boyfriend in England for 2 years. He needed to move out of his place in November and I was too busy and was hoping to move when I had more time really soon. He moved and started treating me a bit cold after that day. He kept meeting me in November/ December and went to visit his relatives for Christmas and New Year, while I worked to save us money to move together. He got back in January saying he had decided to split and nothing I would say or do would change it. He felt really angry and bad just to look at me. I am now back to Brazil. He first said he would come to Brazil, after he said he needed a month to think. Just a few days ago I called him very relaxed, happy and laughing inviting for a trip here, he said he would come as long as I know he has a girlfriend and we wont be together again. He seemed surprised to listen to my voice and still uncomfortable, but I made the conversation go on well and he was feeling less horrible a few minutes later. He reads my messages on Facebook yet, but he doesn’t reply, and by the horrible feeling he felt answering the phone listening to me, I feel I am still a bad memory, and I need to change it to wanting me back. How can I put his mind in me truly and break up with this new girlfriend, if all I have are messages on Facebook? Please help me.
Yuna

May 7, 2015 at 7:23 pm

Hi Chris, I just met this guy and he is incredible. We’ve been close for 2 months now. But the thing is we have gf/bf. His relationship is down the hill right now and he said that he’s in break with his gf. The same thing goes to mine but I had broken up with my bf last week due to religion conflicts.
Earlier in April he came to the city where I lived (so we can meet in person, for the first time) and the worst thing happened, yep we slept together.
After he left we are still in contact and we think everything has gotten deeper. We met again this week and lived together for a week.
I don’t know whether my feeling is kind of rebound thing because of breaking up with my last bf but I actually like this guy a lot. But I know deep down he still thinks about his gf and hoping his relationship to be better. And he said he wants to slow things down with me since we know each other only for two months and he’s still confused with his feelings towards me and his gf.
What should I do then? Because deep down I want to turn this into a relationship.
Jane

April 3, 2015 at 12:07 pm

Hey Chris, I’m going to tell you a story, I’ll try to keep it interesting! I have kind of weird situation with a man I’m going to call M for these pusposes. Last summer I was in relationship with someone else and I met M and immediately started to feel something for him. I had always had older men (from 10 to 15 years older than me) but M is 3 years younger than me, he’s 20. At first I tried to supress my feelings but I just couldn’t. We started to meet and really connected on emotional level, it was like a dream, we spend nights outside just talking and talking (he is from my hometown so we see each other only every third weekend when I’m home, but that is fine with me) and I totally fell in love with him, after couple months I broke up with the boyfriend (felt like the most scary thing i have ever done, but it just assured me that it’s meant to be), M was waiting the whole time and was really sweet about it, didn’t push it, just sometimes he told me he is sad that we have to meet secretly and I think he didn’t believe me that I will leave the boyfriend, he is often too hard on himself. After the breakup we had the nicest time, it was over christmas, so we were meeting everyday and just totally in love, but I was still a little scared and emotionaly unstable after the breakup, so I didn’t want to go public. He was the one that told me he loves me first and he was saying all the things about our future together, but I was too scared and I was holding a little back. Now it’s three months after the breakup and I feel like we haven’t moved anywhere since then and that he is not trying so hard anymore, this month I’ve been starting to feel I’m loosing him, he doesn’t write me as much as he used to and I think he has given up a little. I regret not telling him all my feelings from begining, I don’t know if he realizes that the breakup was for him, he told me that he feels empty now and I feel that he is loosing interest, but when I told him that I don’t like to initiate our conversations, he tells me that he’s just been to busy at school and that he hopes I will give him the opportunity to make it up to me. Another thing is that he is doing his final exams on really difficult school next month and he is really afraid of it, so if I now started to practice the NC it would be so unsupportive from me. I feel like it’s my turn, but I don’t want to be cheap and too available, I thing it would turn him off now. I believe in my instincts, I don’t get easily in love and I know I want him, if he would be older I would be much more strict and definitely would apply the NC, but I think that he’s been feeling insecure and that’s why I will compromise. I was the ungettable girl for him once and I want to be again.
Debbie

March 26, 2015 at 2:24 am

Hey Chris! So I did something very very stupid and accidently got myself into a fwb situation with my ex. However, I definitely want to still try and win him over eventually. I know you say to stop having sex with them, however how do I stop without ruining any chance I have of being with him again? By this I mean, do I just stop responding to his texts or should I tell him that I want to stop sleeping together before I start NC? I just would feel kind of bad if I stopped responding all of the sudden since I originally agreed the whole fwb situation, but if it would help me get him to recommit again in the future I will do so.

Kristin

September 14, 2015 at 11:51 pm

Hi Chris/Debbie —

I know this was awhile so but instead of ranting in a fresh new post, Debbie your situation is similar to what I’m dealing with now and I could use any advice at this point.

What ended up happening in your situation? And hris, how long do you advise you keep it NC and don’t respond to any of his messages? At what point do you know when it’s been enough time or the ideal time to suddenly poof! start responding (or if it’s an option, initiate the communication again)? I made the weak mistake of getting myself into this FWB situation and need some kind of initial game plan. Anything I’ve tried so far only got me to a 4 month standstill where I was wondering “hmm, what exactly ‘are’ we, which has gradually just kept going downhill ever since I started asking subtle questions about where he saw things going. And by that I only meant as far as if we were exclusive or not, nothing life altering, but I feel like that was the turning point. He was content and insists it was exclusive, but I have honestly never felt so confused and stuck in a grey area before in my life.

Sorry, I kind of went off there. I’m grateful I stumbled upon your gift of this site, Chris. Your blog has been a huge help thus far. I think some input on this is what I need now so anything is greatly appreciated.
*(insert air hug emoji)* ?
admin

March 31, 2015 at 8:14 pm

Just stop responding to him.

andronica

March 22, 2015 at 2:47 pm

My ex bf still visit me un expected and I still love him.he use to tell me tht he miss me,so what can I do to get him back?

admin

March 22, 2015 at 5:56 pm

He visited you?

S

March 11, 2015 at 7:30 pm

2 months of NC on him**
S

March 11, 2015 at 7:26 pm

Hi Chris. Thank you so much for these podcasts, you’re an angel. 😀

I’ve unfortunately gotten myself into an fwb with my ex. also, he is dating someone else, but hasn’t ever been physical with her. Just yesterday, him and I got physical again. I did try my best to avoid it, but I admit I didn’t have the self control. But I had to pop the question. I asked him, what am I to him now after all this? he says he doesn’t know, he can’t define it. he doesn’t think whatever this is between us is wrong.
so I told him to never come back to my place ever again unless he’s sure of what I am to him. I told him if you can’t commit to me, I can’t give you this. he said, okay then, since I can’t commit to you. he said he can live without the sex and without talking to me.
He seemed angry after this and our texting is very sporadic now. I work with him so it’s a bit tough to do NC, but I’ll manage it well. but I know for sure now that he won’t flirt with me in that sexual manner of his for a while now.

I am sticking strictly to the guidelines you’ve given in this episode, and I’m sure I can make him commit to me, but it’ll take a lot of strength and patience on my part, to avoid the sex. he has been with the new girl for about 6 months now, and there are problems appearing in their relationship. which is why he was attracted to me again. (I had done 2 months on him before we became FWB).

any advice on how to get him back to commit to me will be really appreciated, Chris. I really do love him, he says he loves me too, but just not the way I want him to.

How do I get him to commit to me in this situation?

admin

March 13, 2015 at 7:37 pm

Your welcome S.

My advice… Hmm… read this,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-make-your-ex-boyfriend-commit/
S

March 13, 2015 at 8:47 pm

I had read the article already before (in fact I’ve read all your articles over the past 6 months), and I’ve taken notes from it too. The advice you give is so valuable, I’m really grateful. Keep up the good work, may the force be with you! 😀

Oh, also, the 2 months NC helped me so much, I’m so confident and full of love for myself now that I’m certain that he will definitely commit to me very soon.

Thank you!
admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:20 pm

Thank you!

Nice Star Wars reference by the way.

May the force be with YOU!

shushmita

February 26, 2015 at 5:48 pm

Dear Chris, Thanks for writing your wonderful article. I have read all your post and also purchased the book and followed every single steps of No contact rule. I walked away from my ex when I found out that he had feelings and was seeing another woman he knew for a long time.I didn’t say any rude words but while walking away , I told him that I love you but I want you to be happy.If the other woman makes you happy, please be happy with her. After that I never contacted him or txted him. I love him crazy, deeply madly but I know love can not be forced.I know my heart is genuine and no woman can love me him more than me .I did everything to make him happy and he def took me more granted. To gain my self-respect back I followed 30 days NC and he called my office twice in on 24th day and this morning he sent me a msg ‘ saying I miss you’ .As much as I am happy to hear from him but I am also afraid to talk to him cs I know he is still with the other woman.I am not sure if he msged me cause of his ego is hurting or he actually loves me. I do want him bad but with his love. I heard that no one realize someone’s value until they loose them. I did’t call him back or responded to his msg for past 3 days. Am I doing the right thing?when exactly I should respond? I really do love him and miss him very much.Once again I really appreciate you for helping woman like me a.Your article made me stronger, helped me be myself and brought me hope. I am sure your ex bf recovery pro helped so many other woman.God bless you Chris.Please keep up your good work. Waiting for your response

admin

March 1, 2015 at 6:25 pm

Have you been listening to the podcasts too?

Glad you enjoyed the book.

I think you are doing the right thing. The time to respond and reach out will come soon!
shushmita

March 4, 2015 at 7:09 pm

he called 4 times in past two weeks and also sent me msg saying that I miss you. How long should I wait to respond him back?
shushmita

February 27, 2015 at 3:51 pm

PS: My ex texted me yesterday saying’ you are in my mind and I can’t let it go”. I miss him badly but haven’t responded.Should I respond? If yes what I should say?

Taryn

February 23, 2015 at 9:42 pm

Hi Chris!!

Wow, great timing on this one. Because I had been feeling like fwb, is what my situation with Ryan would have turned into. So, as before, he and I still haven’t seen each other. And there are many factors that have caused that. Mainly, the terrible weather here.

Anyways, I say that it could have turned into fwb, because he is so sexual. And he kept saying things that he wants to do with me. And I’m all thinking, dude…. We’re not even a couple yet lol. So a week or two ago, I flat out told him that I am not into fwb. Because it felt to me like it was headed that way, in some ways. So I flay out told him no fwb. I said I don’t want to do anything with him as friends. And that I wouldn’t want to do anything with him if I thought it wouldn’t turn into something more. And he agreed with me.

So, phew. There’s that. So now we’re in the ‘Friends’ category. And he still tries a little he’s bad lol. Like one night he texted me to say something sexual. I ignored it completely. Lol… Then two hours later he texts again and says, Lol. To indicate to me that he was joking. Yeah Yeah Yeah… Sureeee. Haha.

But I listened to your podcast just now, and it’s good. Because it’s like reassurance for me. That I’m already doing what I’m supposed to. He has been friend zoned. And Chris, lol, he does most of the initiating. Last week, he initiated every conversation. And I also made him wait a few times. A hour. Half hour. Ten mins. Two hours. Changing it up. Making him chase me. He’s really doing it on his own.

Fwb is not something that either of us have ever agreed on, but I could sense that it’s what it could have turned into if I did any I shouldn’t when I do see him. So I’m actually very glad that I haven’t seen him yet.

We made plans a few times. He asked me out. And it didn’t happen due to the weather. But I like your suggestion of going to public places. Coffee, dinner, I can do things like that :]

He and I were never an official couple. And it’s already been a year since the break up. And since I started this program. And I would say that it has helped me to get back on track with him. But this time, I need to work on getting him to commit :]

And for the weather to get better… So we can go out. Dang it! Lol.

admin

February 24, 2015 at 9:14 pm

Hi Taryn!

Its great to hear from you its been forever it feels like.

The weather is pretty rough in the northeast where I am currently so I hear you there.

Public places is a really good idea too!
Taryn

March 2, 2015 at 6:15 pm

Yes it’s been forever!!

This whole thing is such a struggle.. I just can’t get him to come see me. He’s either busy with school or work or home work.

How do I set up a legit, solid date with him? It’s irritating…
admin

March 2, 2015 at 10:14 pm

Hmm…

Maybe its time for some jealousy…

Rony

February 23, 2015 at 12:21 pm

Well .. I luved it!
Really well done Chris .. Oh this is gr8!
I was wondering ain’t FWB makes the man takes u 4 granted!
And if so, permitting him to contact u wz out resistance is just another boost to his ego (she can’t say No to me!)
on other hand how could u trust such a man if he is welling to take advantage of u physically then do u rly think it worth it to make him chase u! .. Assuming commitment is not a big deal after all!

admin

February 23, 2015 at 9:46 pm

Personally, I think a man who wants a FWB relationship with you isn’t “marriage material.”

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74 thoughts on “EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship”