42 thoughts on “EBR 061: Turning Your Breakup Into A Golden Opportunity”

1. 

   Rachel

   November 12, 2016 at 10:48 pm

   Hi.
   My boyfriend and I broke up early this year and I have followed ex boyfriend recoveries advise.. and after a patient wait, we got back together!
   Since we have been back together, we have been on road trips and short breaks and it’s been lovely. We’ve got on well and see each other regularly.
   Thing is, he lives 40 mins away and I have a 5 year old.
   He seems to be strategically avoiding my son. Says he has things to do during the week, but will see me when I don’t have my boy.
   He’s also kind of facing some hard decisions in his personal life. He has just finished refurbishing his house on his own and he isn’t happy in his job. He’s not sure if he wants to live in the house or sell it, or rent it out. With his job, he’s been in the same job for a very long time and only took his recent job to be local so he could do his house. Now his house is finished and job not satisfying him, he is feeling low and he says stuck and pressured.
   I’ve said to think about what makes him happy and what is important to him, but not mentioned anything about our relationship as I don’t want ti add to the pressure he is already feeling.
   That was the last conversation we had since three days ago.
   I don’t know what to do. He seems to be at a crossroads in his life.
   I’ve already got him back once, that was painful emotionally for me. Yes I would do it all again and I’m willing to give him all the time he needs to think, but I’ve heard you say that my time is more precious than his.
   I don’t want to be the push over, but I can’t help but think that this is very similar to what happened when we first broke up and I want him to know that I’m not waiting around forever because I deserve to be happy.
   I love him. I haven’t told him that.
   Is there any advise you could offer me?
   It’s been a year since we met.
   Thanks

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   November 15, 2016 at 8:30 am

   Hi Rachel,

   why havent you told him you love him? Honestly, that’s a red flag that he doesnt want to get close to your son..has he always been like that since the beginning?

2. 

   Lulu

   November 7, 2016 at 7:18 am

   Hi Chris,

   I just want to say that I am so glad I came upon your website one week ago when my boyfriend ended things with me. I purchased your book, have poured over the website articles and listen to your podcasts whenever I have a spare minute. I was pretty distraught when I first received the bad news, but your content has alleviated that awful feeling I had originally experienced where I was helpless and overcome by fear.

   Whilst I still consider the relationship to be one which is extremely special to me, the break up has shed light on the issues present and more importantly, what I need to do to change. I’m currently going through a period of soul searching and self-healing (while I patiently move through the NC period – I’m currently on day 7).

   I know this will take time and commitment but I have faith in your program. And even if it doesn’t lead to me getting my ex back, it has certainly provided me with huge insight and is helping me grow into a better version of myself.

   Kind regards,

   Lulu

1. 

   Lulu

   December 19, 2016 at 9:57 pm

   P.s. He did contact me around the 16 day mark – which I ignored 😉 felt good actually.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 22, 2016 at 12:31 pm

   Hi Lulu,

   That’s great! Are you texting now?

3. 

   Lulu

   December 19, 2016 at 9:56 pm

   Hi Amor,
   I just wanted to let you know I successfully completed the NC period. In fact, today it has been 50 days! I definitely feel in a much better place – not healed entirely, but in a better place and stronger without my ex boyfriend.
   Thanks for all your help. This website and the content majorly got me through that breakup.
   Lulu

4. 

   Lulu

   November 8, 2016 at 8:07 am

   Thanks Amor 🙂 I will

5. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   November 11, 2016 at 4:15 pm

   You’re welcome!

6. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   November 7, 2016 at 8:45 pm

   Hi Lulu,

   Thank you so much!! Take this time to out yourself and mind yourself only.. Do everything you want to do.. check this one too:
   EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant

3. 

   Lauren

   September 21, 2016 at 5:40 am

   Hi! I will try to make a long story short. Basically I have been dating this guy for over 2 years on and off. We would break up for 12 hours and then get back together and take occasional breaks that would last a couple of days, but we kept getting back with each other, claiming that we would try again. I broke up with my ex about a month ago, thinking it was the right thing to do because I wanted him to focus on school and not make me a priority, since he spent a lot of time studying. We both agreed it wouldn’t be forever and we would stay friends because he wanted to. After a week, it was fine and normal, but one day, something clicked in him and he stopped talking to me, hung out with other friends, etc. I was being a gnat and bothered him constantly for 2 weeks. Almost two weeks ago, I asked him if we could work on our friendship and move up to being a couple, he agreed, and then I find out he thought I was just talking about our friendship. He said he is done with me and wants us to move on for our own happiness, but I am willing to do anything. I acted on impulse during the breakup by dropping his stuff off and leaving him a note saying I wish him the best (I didn’t know what was going to happen). I wrote him two letters saying how I want to be with him, that I am seeing a therapist, and that I want him to be open minded. He declines each time and says there is no chance. He claims still wants to be friends, but I don’t want to just stop there. He is a pretty impulsive, close minded guy. Please help!!!!

1. 

   Lauren

   September 21, 2016 at 5:43 am

   I also can’t record my message because I don’t have a microphone, sorry!

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   September 22, 2016 at 10:19 pm

   Hi Lauren,

   are you going to do no contact? You should check this too:
   You Desperately Begged For Him Back And Failed… I’m Here To Fix That

4. 

   Anita

   September 20, 2016 at 3:57 pm

   Hi Chris, I broke up with my ex one month ago, our relationship was always on and off and after living together things got worse and I couldnt handle anymore so I ended, I really want to try to move on cause this relationship brought me so much pain already , despite the fact that I still love him but we don´t know how to deal with each other , he was really angry at me cause I ask him to move out as soon as possible, after the house issues, I immediatly start NC ( not to get him back cause I´m still hurt) but to heal myself . Last week his siter ask me if he could pick up my daughter for her son´s birthday and I saw no reason to say no so he came and we just greet each other in a very formal way, after the party he came to drop my daughter and I thank him for taking her to the party, after that later on that night he said he was really happy that I allowed my daughter to be with him that he missed her so much , I only said thank you. Two days ago he send me a message saying Hi, I didnt reply, and he started saying I was ignoring him and if that the case he wouln´t write me again, I only reply yesterday saying I forgot my phone and what was the emergency, he then apologies and said he has a gift or me and he really wanted me to accept as a friend, then he start talking about my daughter and I ask him to see his dog whenever he has the chance, he was happy and say that he could leave his dog with me on sunday, then he send 2 or 3 texts more but I didnt reply cause I think I´m not ready to be his friend yet and I have the feeling that he just want to feel better about himself and about the breakup. how to act?? I dont want to be rude or mean or nasty but I´m scared that he just want to check if I´m still avalaible for him whenever he has nothing better to do. Help me please

1. 

   Anita

   September 27, 2016 at 5:58 pm

   I did NC for 30 days

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   September 28, 2016 at 6:22 pm

   You have to keep doing the routine you started during nc.. Use humor when conveying your message, like, “Oh, someone is really missing my house! :)” And then start a different topic.
   If he really says he wants to sleep with you just say, you’re flattered but it’s not your thing to be friends with benefits.

3. 

   Anita

   September 27, 2016 at 5:56 pm

   Hi Amor, I already did the Nc and it went just as I thought, I made some improvements on myself as Im feeling more confident and happy, now he´s back on contact but I can just feel he´s just trying to became friends with benefits, he actually asks when I will invite him over to my place. I ended my relationship cause I could feel he was not truly commit with me, he was living with me but wanted to do the single life (he´s 40 by the way) and now he just came back in contact trying to be on a friens with benefits relationship with me?? How can I let him know that I not up to that without being rude or without make him think that I want to go back to him

4. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   September 22, 2016 at 4:18 pm

   Hi Anita,

   I’m a bit confused. Did you mean you already did nc but he’s friendzoning you now? How long did you do nc and how much have you improved?

5. 

   Kate

   September 20, 2016 at 3:07 pm

   My name is Kathleen McDevitt. I became a member 18 hours ago. So far the e-book and guide has calmed me down a LOT. But I have a unique situation.

   I am ABOUT to be broken up with. It will happen after 9pm this Wednesday. It is 954 am Tuesday. In 35 hours he wants to meet me to break up (he has pretty much done this already over two emails [out of nowhere], a weeks time of communication silence). I need guidance to be able to use my e-book and all its components after this is done Wednesday nite. I want to lay a foundation for us to be able to eventually/ hopefully get back together.

   We have been together since July 2105 (a little over a year), we have only had a few fights. He has ‘come back’ each time. He runs a business where he lives an 1.5 hours away from me, a business in the town I live in and a business remotely in Germany. He travels over a dozen times a year. I have been understanding, helped him with his business when he asked, helped in outfit (furniture, décor, physical labor) his business in the town I live in, he has met my family/friends, I have met his friends. He is at times very private. He has struggled in the last 7 months with opening the second business here in my town. It has lightly impacted our sex life/amount of time we can spend together but we are trying. His mother is ailing and he knows she will pass soon. He went to Germany to tend the the business there and we had a ‘bloom’ of closer romance in emails and prior to his departure 2 weeks ago. I was elated. His last email before he came back to the United States was that he was in an airport on a layover and he couldn’t wait to see me in less than 24 hrs. Then he got home. I gave him a chance to sleep (jet lag) and to catch up with his dogs/businesses/mail/etc. He let me know something was VERY wrong with one of his dogs and had to immediately go to the vet. He stated that he had walked into a series of bad problems the moment he came home. then I got this text:

   “Neo (dog) had to be brought home. They can’t see him til tomorrow. I have to be honest with you, I am going to have to step back from you and I for a while. I’m sorry to say these words but, right now my life is falling apart and I just can’t keep up. I’m completely smothered and I am drowning. This is of no fault of your own, I am just barely holding myself together. I’m having too many things fall through, people not keeping their word on deals and agreements, I just keep falling into further complications.
   I know that you may feel that this not fair to you, and I would not argue that with you. But, I need you to know that this is not about you, it is about me. Not in a selfish full of myself kind of way. But, if I am fucked up and not together how can I be of any use to anyone else? I am not doing well, I am unhappy with everything that is in front of me, everything. And I have to pull myself out of it.
   I am sorry, this is not what you want to hear, and not what I set out to do but, it is what I feel I have to do.You have been there for me and I do not take that for granted. If you feel that I have, I am sorry. My heart is in a bad place and I will not drag you into or through that. You are too good a person and an amazing woman for all of that. I am truly sorry and heartbroken and I am lost.”

   I panicked a little and sent him reminders that he is strong and tried to call. He sent this while I was at work and then would not take my call. He message me that my text were not helping and to return to work. I did not call or text him until 4 days later and I wrote.

   “G,
   You are obviously going through much more than I realized. It seems it is in such an overwhelming amount right now that you thought of me first and wanted to shield me from it. That sent a clear message that you care. I cannot understand what you are going through, but all I can offer is my patience. I respect your need for space. Take your time and whatever you decide; I’ll be okay with. I’m happy you’re being strong enough to ask to step back from you and I for a while. I will be patient & honor your decision about what you have expressed that you need.

   -K”

   He did not respond until yesterday (a week) and it was bad. He emailed me in the middle of the day again while I was at work.

   “kate,
   i am very appreciative of the feelings that you have and

   your willingness to be patient, etc… i’m just not able to do

   this anymore. i am in too much turmoil over everything in my

   life and this adds to it. i can’t be the person you need me to

   be. i appreciate all of your kind words of encouragement but,

   as down and dark as i feel, at this moment, it is not helping

   me but, making me feel more guilt and more pain. you deserve

   a solid, positive, and “normal” relationship. i am not and can

   not provide you with those things. you are a great woman,

   you will find a love that gives you all and more of what you

   need. i have to move out and away from this. i appreciate the

   care and concern that you have shown me, i am not the kind

   of person to hurt myself or do anything drastic, i’m just not in

   a good place with who i am as a person, a teacher, a business

   owner, etc…. i want only for you to be happy, i’m sorry that i

   longer can provide that for you.

   i’m not wanting this to be ugly or end in an argument,

   or any ill will for that matter. i have only respect and care for

   you. without sounding trite and immature, i do need to get the

   bagpipes from you, either tonight or wednesday night. please

   let me know what is best.

   humbly,

   gary ”

   I responded with this: “G-

   Thank you for taking some time and then emailing me. I cant meet tonite as I have a commitment I cannot cancel. You are welcome to come by my house or I can come to you with the bagpipes on Wednesday nite. There is nothing for me to be ugly about with you. I would ask that you give me a moment to speak with you, it would mean a lot to me. Thank you.

   -K”

   He responded with this: “Of course. I will be there Wednesday night.”

   Please, my case is a bit unique. I need guidance in the next 30 hours to be able to meet him, give him back his item, accept the breakup with grace. Say the right things that may allow him to be receptive down the road to me and not MESS it up.

   Please, please help me,

   Thank you,

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   September 22, 2016 at 3:53 pm

   Hi Kate,
   I edited your comment because we don’t make private emails public unless you want other commenters to email you too. I suppose you already talked? How was it?

6. 

   Beachrose

   September 19, 2016 at 6:22 pm

   Hi Chris!

   Love your site & info. Had to wait for my finances to rise before investing in some of your stuff, but taking the plunge today 🙂

   Just wanted to give you a little feedback, as a professional filmmkaer & video editor:

   You don’t need to have your mike in front of you while you speak on camera in your podcast. That mike is completely sensitive enough to pick up your voice just fine, without being directly in front of your face. So, just *trust* that it’s doing its job, place it lightly above your head, and then just talk normally into the camera. That way you don;t have to scooch around the mike while talking. 🙂

   PS this was just for you, no need to post publicly 🙂

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   September 19, 2016 at 6:24 pm

   Hi Beachrose,

   I am totally posting this publicly. Thank you so much for the advice. Do you mind emailing me here:

   [email protected]

   I’d like to pick your brain a bit and maybe help you out a bit.