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HS
April 2, 2017 at 9:29 pm
Hi, just after some advice 🙂
I’ll give you all our back story. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3. We have a daughter who is now 1.5 years old. About a year ago, Todd was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His case is relatively mild compared to most, but he still has wild moods, the most destructive being his irritable moods. This would cause us a lot of fights, as he would become grumpy over the most tiny things, and me being stubborn and pigheaded would never let it go and tiny things would become huge fights. I also had suffered from anorexia for many years. I was mostly recovered for the past 3 years or so, but I still had some lingering disordered thoughts so I decided to try a new recovery program about 10 months ago (this involved eating larger than normal amounts to ‘repair damage’, theoretically weight then stabilises usually a little higher than your set point, and then the weight naturally tapers off when repairs have been completed). Well, this approach was not a good idea for me. I ended up gaining 50kg (about 115lb), and the whole time throughout this ‘recovery’ I was depressed, anxious, and I totally lost my sense of self because I didnt want to do the things I used to do, I also got post natal depression in addition to this. Because of the postnatal depression I wanted him to help out with our baby as much as possible. As a result, he was working 6 days a week and then coming home and looking after our daughter, and he had pretty much no time off at all. Whereas I had days to myself when she went to daycare or my mums place.
Our two mental issues clashed, plus we had sleep deprivation from our baby, some family issues, and building a house. I think my husband just couldn’t cope with it all. He lost attraction to me because I became a completely different person, mentally and physically. He couldn’t cope with my anxiety and depression as well as his own bipolar. So he ended things nearly 2 months ago. My world came crashing down, I went through the whole range of different emotions, and tried all the no-no’s (asking him to take me back, texting, calling, emailing, guilt-tripping etc etc). When we first split he said things like “I hope we can fall in love again one day”, “I have hope for the future” etc. But he stopped saying those things because he didn’t want me to hang on to hope, as it would prevent me from moving on. He says he still has “some love for me”.
Things have calmed down a lot now. Emotions aren’t running as high and we are ‘friends’. We still have to see each other once a week at least (when we switch custody of our daughter). And we also can’t really avoid communicating with each other because of our daughter. He seems a lot happier without me unfortunately (less stress on him, plus he actually has free time to do what he wants). He’s also on tinder and has been on dates (I try not to take this personally as I know thats just how most guys deal with a breakup, but it still hurts). I have changed my approach to my recovery beacause I realised a couple of weeks ago that it was doing more harm than good, and am now losing weight (this is all backed by my psychologist by the way). Since changing my approach, I feel a lot better within myself, have a lot more energy, motivation and hope. But I still want him back in my life. About a week and a half ago, I came to him and apologised for my cobtribution to the split (ie being controlling), and that i was working on myself and changing my approach to recovery as well so that I’m a happier person. He thanked me and said that he really appreciated it. I asked for another chance to make it work and he said he couldn’t say yes or no right now. I asked if we could reassess in 6 months time and he said “of course”.
After this, I decided I would stop initiating any contact with him. However, he still would call or text me every day! It was always about our daughter to start with but then he would morph it into something more conversational. This made me feel pretty good. (I should add that I let most of his calls ring out, and I delayed my repsonses to his texts) Yesterday, he said he was missing our daughter a lot, and asked if he could stop in at my place for an hour to spend some time with her on his way to an appointment near my place. I agreed. Well, we spent most of the time just chatting in a really friendly way. He said I seemed a lot happier, and then HE brought up the subject of our relationship. He said that he really likes that we can be friends (my heart sank). But then he said “I know you probably want more, but I really just want to be friends for now”. Do you think I have a chance? Or is he friend-zoning me? I am hanging onto the words he used: “for now” and hoping that he sees this situation changing.
Sorry this is so long. Hats off to you if you made it to the end!
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 4, 2017 at 11:11 am
Hi hs,
yes, he’s friendzoning you.. he has to think you’re moving on so, you have to be more active in your life. Be indifferent with him too.
Leigh
February 11, 2017 at 11:32 am
Hello,
I would like some advice.
Me and my husband have been together 11yrs, married for 1yr. We have a 5yr old and a 7month old (he was the one who pushed to have her).
We were making plans right up until November for the future, the 5days before Christmas he left (still has contact with the kids). Said he was unhappy, confused and needed space. Of course I acted awful, begging etc.
I booked marriage counselling, which he came to and said nothing during the session, yet right after said I don’t love you anymore. He asked to talk to me again the day after. He said he was sorry and that he’d known he didn’t love me for 2weeks prior yet was too cowardly to say.
do you think MC could help, as can’t see how you fall out of love in 2months.
Plus he is still wearing his wedding ring?! Do I wear mine in MC?
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 13, 2017 at 1:51 pm
Hi Leigh,
was there any other event or something that could have made me him feel different, when did you first feel he is distancing himself? It’s not a guarantee that it would but you’ve already done what you can. Doing more begging will just push hin away
Hayley Smith
February 7, 2017 at 7:54 am
Hey, basically my ex partner and I were together 3 years, lived together, we’re engaged and nearly have a 2 year old daughter. 7 weeks ago after another argument and out of the blue he announced he was leaving, he left immediately and moved into his own flat 2 weeks ago. He said that he was fed up of our arguments, he was unhappy in our relationship and didn’t feel like himself anymore, he would be their for our daughter but he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Our break up has been an emotional roller coaster, one minute hot and cold, then angry, then amicable, then friendly, then mind games, then distant, then bitter back to nice again. I have begged and pleaded to get back together, I have tried ignoring him, I have also been an emotional wreck to be honest and he seems to be a stone cold emotionless person who I don’t even know. He sees our daughter twice a week and we speak a lot via text more him texting than me about other conversations other than our daughter. We have only had 2 days of no contact during the whole 7 weeks and we have been sleeping together the last month on and off. He says he is lonely and sad and is confused about us but he doesn’t want to get back together for the wrong reasons and will end up leaving again in a couple of months. He says he isn’t ready for a relationship again, wants to be on his own and focus on himself but he also can’t let me go at the same time, I am his comfort blanket and he knows he shouldn’t keep coming back because he wants me but doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. He isn’t willing to work at our relationship either he keeps saying you never know what could happen in the future but right now no, or never but he doesn’t know what could happen either way whether he will regret his decision to leave or this will be the best decision of his life. I have tried numerous times to try and talk about us and he shut downs immediately saying I push him away further and he can’t handle my emotions. In all honesty I can’t handle the confusion or mixed signals anymore, I want to work at our relationship but he doesn’t but is happy to still contact me or sleep with me without making any commitment that he wants to try again or show that he truly wants me back. He talks a lot about his future about himself and what he is doing but doesn’t include me into it but won’t stay away from me either or stop talking to me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2017 at 8:32 pm
Hi Hayley,
do you want to try the no contact rule and the advice above?
Esha
February 1, 2017 at 9:49 pm
Hello,
Me and my ex have a beautiful daughter together and we’ve been rocky during the summer. He found out I was texting another guy I was very lonely and that hurt him. We went to counseling and he stated that he was all in, but his actions did not show. He kept asking me if I wanted to be with him and I would say I don’t know because I felt like he wasn’t in or not going to change. I stated to see a change and I told him I wanted him and He was like why now. By this time he said he reached his breaking point and started befriending other girls and liking this girl at work. We still lived together and I found out he was on the phone talking to her. I blew up and he was like you didn’t want me. We got into a big fight and the cops were called and he went to Jail. Now fast fwd to now this was in Dec. I have moved back with my mom and my baby. He tells me he still loves me and wants our family to work but he is scared that we will argue again, or fall back into our neg space. I am not sure if I should wait but I know that if try again we can be perfect for each other. He calls me and tells me misses me but he mad at the same time and just unsure what to do. All of family and friends say to give him space and that we will be okay and work out our issues. I now just started the MC and I am being nice to him.
Esha
May 25, 2017 at 8:51 pm
I am currently 8 weeks and will be 9 this Saturday. I told him that I needed space from and him and that he can still go to the appointments if he wants. I myself don’t know how to feel about this pregnancy only because we’re not together and this is not what I wanted for my life. I have decided to move on but it just sucks we planned our lives together and now to end up like this.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 26, 2017 at 6:02 pm
ok.. I think that’s the right thing to do now.. It would be better to move and not harm the baby rather than keep on thinking about him then negatively affect the baby
Esha
May 24, 2017 at 2:40 pm
No we’re not together. I’m going into my 3rd month. I honestly don’t know how I feel about me being pregnant by him either. Like I don’t know what to take from it. He hangs around me a lot saying he doesn’t want to be alone and he want us to continue at least being friends. I am tired and now I have to have 2 kids by someone who I was supposed to marry but now I’m not. Thanks I haven’t been too excited about being pregnant.
Esha
May 22, 2017 at 1:37 pm
Update:
I’m currently expecting our second child and we’re still not together. Not sure where to go from here? I’m surprised and he still doesn’t know how he feels about me being pregnant. Please help
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 1:56 pm
wait, how many months are you in? did you get pregnant while you’re broken up? Frankly, the best you can do right now is really value yourself.. do it for your daughter.. be an example for her.. if the guy is like that, dont chase.. let him be.. take care of yourself now for yourself and for your baby. If I were your situation, by this time, since he’s still like that, I would move on.. and if he wants to get back, he has to prove it big time. Of course I wouldn’t stop him from being a father, but I would never set aside my self respect again for him. By the way, congratulations! Whatever the situation is, a baby is always a blessing.
Esha
March 14, 2017 at 6:10 pm
Update: We both agreed to go to counseling which was up and down. He stated that “he at times want to call and say lets work it out but he thinks about our interactions” and they haven’t been too positive. In the end we agreed to give each other more space so we can stop being angry – and for him after the court date which is April 14 and after that we will take baby steps. We go back in 2 weeks for an update with our therapist. He asked asked me the other day if we got back together what would change…. I guess I can think of that as I improve myself even more.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2017 at 10:17 am
that’s good.. continue being active so that he can see you’re really improving
Esha
February 17, 2017 at 11:09 pm
Okay I am going to do that for 30 days and see how it goes I’m moving into my own apartment in 3 weeks also so that will show him I’m serious. He also has court in 10 days that he wants to close that chapter of his as well. I will let you know how a full MC goes because we broke the first one.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 18, 2017 at 12:01 pm
ok.. I’ll wait for your update
Esha
February 17, 2017 at 12:18 pm
We talked today and I asked him if he wanted to be friends and work towards being back together and he told me no he just want to be friends, and that he hates me at times. So I think we are done for good ☹️He also stated he doesn’t want me. He said he tried in the relationship and he’s tired that I push him away but he still has hope for the future. Should i start beack the MC ? I’m lost as in what to do now. I’m really thinking about purchasing the book.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 17, 2017 at 8:43 pm
Oh no.. you’re not supposed to ask like that. It’s supposed to just grow as you build more rapport. But right now, honestly, he would view the next steps as you trying to get him back. So, if you are going to do another mc, you really have to look like you’re moving on..
Esha
February 15, 2017 at 2:57 pm
Okay I am trying so hard not to over think everything. So he haven’t seen his daughter in two days and he has not called or nothing to check up on her. Being that it was v-day yesterday I was thinking he would at least try to see her. and nope he didnt so I text and called and he responded a hour later saying he was asleep and if i wanted to he could keep her tomorrow night . I asked him if he could see her tonight being that she misses him and got no response. after that I called and texted and nothing. He just ignored all my calls and texts about his daughter I really dont know what to take of that but that left a sour feeling.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 15, 2017 at 7:43 pm
Maybe he doesn’t want to be there because it’s weird, being it’s vday
Esha
February 14, 2017 at 9:19 pm
So we went to the movies together and it was a bit awkward.. I really didn’t know what to do because i didn’t “know the limits”. He bought a drink for his self and offered it to me with one straw. After the movies he didn’t walk me to my car and I kinda felt sad about that being that it was cold and dark. – he texted me the same night and said “Goodnight Lady, did you enjoy the movie” he has never said that to me. the lady part. – I texted him back the next morning and I made a joke saying I hope you don’t share your drinks with other people and he said sometimes. That really made me sad. We have court coming up soon and I don’t know what to think or do. I just had to help him pay money on the rent which he said he loves and appreciates me but nothing that says I want to take the steps to make this work. I texted him yesterday at 3 pm and asked how was his day and he didn’t respond till 9pm. I haven’t texted him back. ohh and our daughter is very troubled by this and is acting out terribly. ( I worry alot fyi) I just want us to be happy again and back as a family planning out our future.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 14, 2017 at 10:25 pm
dont rush and dont overthink.. if you’re out just enjoy
Esha
February 10, 2017 at 3:53 pm
He called me the other night and told me that he was confident that we would get back together he just doesn’t know when. He also asked me out to the movies. I just dont know what to take from this. He calls and Facetime me all the time now. Should I ignore his calls at times? I want us to build up a friendship again before we get back together. What can I do to make him think that he could lose me? It seems like when I ignore him thats when he wants to bond etc I dont want to keep ignoring him to pull him back in.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 10, 2017 at 10:56 pm
you dont have to ignore him literally but for me.. If I was in your case, yeah I would be friendly but I wouldn’t give him what a committed relationship gets. I would talk to him that if he really believes that we are getting back together, he should prove it.. and then I would focus more on other things because I don’t want to be stringed along.
Esha
February 7, 2017 at 2:56 pm
I am not lashing out when I find out things, If he texts me I am cool with the conversation. I let him come over and see our daughter. We actually had a 2 hour conversation last night because we had to talk about the rent and I thought he was being rude about it which he was because he was upset that he was late. He told me that I only loved him when it was convenient and at hard times I would shut down – which is true. But I am getting help to work on that and I told him that I was scared and didn’t know what to do. He asked me how come I did not tell him that. I told him I don’t know it was just hard. He also made that I am changing now that we are not together and hes been telling me “what I see now” for 2 years. When I told him i think we shouldn’t talk he really didnt like that idea so idk what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2017 at 10:46 pm
ah.. well, telling him what you’re going to do is like letting him adjust to it.. If you both want to get back together, talk about how the relationship should be this time around..if he still doesn’t agree then be more active in other things, in improving yourself during mc because he has to realize that you’re not going to just sit there and do nothing while he’s taking his time..he has to think that he can lose you if he doesn’t act now..
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 2, 2017 at 6:16 pm
Hi Esha,
hmmm..what do you mean by being nice? how are you being nice to him?
Jessica
January 30, 2017 at 11:55 pm
My husband left me 2 months ago, and I haven’t been able to do de NC rule, and tried the MC but not as you advise because he comes and goes to see his son (and me, I guess). He comes almost every once a week and we have lunch together. He wants to have me as a “friend”, and I don’t want to be rude. The thing is he did not take all his things, I still have almost all his clothes, his shoes, books, etc. He took only the necessary, and he still have the keys of our house. He doesn’t want peolpe to know he left us, not even friends or family. Can you imagine the struggle that it has been for me and my son to keep it a secret and not having any support?… Anyway, I think he wasn’t sure how much time he was going to take to come back… I probably pushed him further away with all my begging… I don’t know!! it gets me confused of what he wants or what he is going to do, because his things are still here with me, but he’s been buying furniture for his house. What should I do? Should I ask to take all his stuff with him? Should I be patient and let him do whatever he wants an act cool about it? I’ve been trying to be the UG, I even lost weight, and I want my power back. But… yesterday I asked if he still loves me or misses me, and he said YES (I know, probably I shouldn’t have), but no signs of him comming back. I cannot use RP on him because he is soo clever, So I’m afraid if I ask him to take his things, he will do it, and lose all hope for a reconciliation. What can I do about it? Please help!!
Jessica
January 31, 2017 at 5:16 pm
What about his stuff?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 1, 2017 at 10:51 am
you can talk about exchanging stuff as long as it’s only about that..
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2017 at 3:15 pm
Hi jessica,
it looks like he’s friendzoning you and you’re allowing it.. tell him it’s ok to co parent but being friends is not working for you, in the mean time,.take the child out separately and then restart mc.
Nicole
January 19, 2017 at 9:24 pm
Hi, I am in need of help and advice. I have 3 children and 2 of which are with my recent ex. The youngest of which is 2 weeks old. My ex and I have had small arguments and two major ones. One happened right after coming home with our newborn. I was upset with the very little help he was offering for our newborn he exploded on me telling me hurtful and spiteful things. The next day he hardly spoke to me but at the end of the day he apologized. All was well for about a week and small arguement turned bad. Out of frustration I had thrown my car keys and they accidentally hit him. He took this as on purpose and left. He took it as intentful. Says he wants nothing to do with me anymore and is better off and probably will be much happier without me and only wants his kids. I have apologized immensely but he is no longer responding or communicating with me. I’m not sure where to start or go about things.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 21, 2017 at 1:36 pm
Hi Nicol3,
do you want to try the advice above?
Shamill
January 9, 2017 at 4:52 pm
My and my ex broke up about 3 months ago . We have twin boys. He broke up with me because we argued a lot and there was a lot of stress going on with the both of us with me I was very insecure and always nagged him cause I was always in the house with the boys I was a stay at home mom and felt I wasn’t getting much attention from him and he was stressed with work and us not having our own place
I recently spoke to him and told him that I want my family back and he told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now he just wants to focus on him and his kids …. he misses me but he’s not in love cause he says if he was in love then that would make him want to come back and right now he doesn’t want to im devastated how can I get him to love me again and to want to come back to his family??
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 9, 2017 at 7:28 pm
Hi Shamill,
do you want to do the advice above? Aside from that, check this one too:
The Definitive Guide On Getting Your Ex Husband Back
shaz
December 4, 2016 at 2:45 pm
I have been in a 5 year marriage and have 5 children with my ex. Although we were married he never lived with me. He left me for another woman suddenly while I was still pregnant (August). We had a holiday (April) where we had fights and arguments and he told me then he would divorce me. After we returned I asked him if divorce was done as I also have a proposal (I didnt , but I wanted to get a response). He said it was and I should move on. We maintained contact as we have children and he said he forgave me for what happened on the holiday but could not restore relationship.I felt our relationship was building up again and we were getting close. He tried to make a physical contact but I said to him we arnt together and I dont want to be used so he stopped.I also was moving into a bigger place and around that time I said to him that the kids need both parents together and I was finding it hard and maybe I shud look to finding someoene who can fill that role. He then said we should stay togther for the sake of the kids. I said how can we we are divorced, he then said it wasnt a proper divorce, I then asked about his religious status (this was another cause of our arguments as he kept changing). He said he was a Christian that made me angry as he was a Muslim before. I flipped from saying yes lets try to no I don’t want to I don’t trust him (this was only from one day to next). He then said that he also had a propostion somebody wants to get to know him but he has not committed because of me. I got more angry as I felt he must have been talking to someone some time before and it could not possibly have happened over night he said that he loved me and told person he wanted to try for the kids. He also had told the person that we were separated. I told him I did love him and agreed to talk about things and he agreed to counselling, he went away for work and he was supposed to see me sunday he said he ccouldnt return that day. The following day he said I am coming back and then within an hour he text me that he was divorcing me and getting re-married.
These mesages went on for two months, he was hot and cold experesed his love one minute and the next was hating me telling me he was moving abroad all this was my fault and that I hated him and never really loved him. He never saw the children although said he would. A week after I gave birth I was contacted by a woman asking me if I had moved on. I knew him and this woman were friends. A couple of months before we had gotten married she had appeared at work and he was firendly with her. I did not think it was more than friends he said he knew her from prior but I cannot say for sure he did or if he was not interested in her as once when I saw them talking together I approached him (we werent talking) and he told me it was over in front of her. Later he said that he told her we were talking about work and that we should keep everything low key as he did not want me getting a reputation.
I had heard that this woman was married and after we married he did mention her but I did nkt feel it was romantically,.He lost jis father and went off the rails and he would call sand say to me that this woman loved him I felt he wanted to hurt me by mentioning her.
This woman contacted me to tell me that she had been with him 5 years and said that she had seen my divorce certifucate. She aslo mentioned the nasty things he said about me.The two of them came and posted the divorce certificate and I noticed the divorce certifcate had been issued a month before but he had not given it to me.
After this I still contacted him to tell him that we need to stay together for our kids. ~She also said that if I provided evidence that I had lived together with him she would move on. I sent photo of our recent holiday.
They both contacted me the following day and fabricated a story that he had married her and they had children together she had a life with him. She had found out about me recently and then asked him to choose he chose her. They were now moving abroad and of course he was saying that he didnt want to see the kids. He was vile angry nasty to me throughout kept saying how much he loved her and how amazing she was. He bad mouthed me brought up irrelevant issues anything to make me look bad and it was apparent that he had told her a lot about me. She said that he is not allowed to contact me in any shape or form he cant even breathe same air as me and he seemed to accept that. In regards to the kids she said any contact would have to be through a contact centre and she would be present. She said that his happiness was more important than the kids and he appreciated that she said that and that she was better than me for thinking of him.
I found out that he has moved out of his mother home is living with her. She is not his type and she is 45/46 he prefers younger women also he loves his kids and he said that he will have kids with her. I don’t think she can as she would have had kids as she was previously married. Theres been no mention of any contact arrangements for my kids. I had forwarded messages that he had sent me when he was clearly with her telling me his feelings implyimg we were back together. In my last conversation with him he was angry about that threatening, he asked me what I wanted from him which I thought was positive but as soon as I said I loved him but corrected myself and said I love the kids and for him to be father he then turned nasty and said he didnt want anything to do with me. He also accepted that fights were his fault (due to him not living together with me) but he loved this woman now.
I do want him back back as he is the father of my children and I still love him.I have not seen him since middle of July and there has not been contact since 6 weeks. A few times I contacted him after this woman finding out and they both got in touch but then were nasty so I hung up and dint answer. I only contacted him twice on his work email after that once to ask why the money for the children had stopped and then about what was arrangements but there was no response
Has he really moved on with her? Could he have married as he said he would or has?
Does he still have feelings for me? Does he really love her? Is this a rebound?
Is this woman insecure about me or the fact that he has kids with me? Why is she stopping him having contact with kids?
Does she love him?
What did I do wrong? Why this man did not live with me properly?- which was the cause of the arguments/fights especially when we loved one another. I never got a proper explanation from him but my guess is that it was a vicious cycle where he was scared to live with me in case of the fights and the fights could not stop unless he lived together properly.
Now that he is living with this woman does that mean it will work with her?
Why did he leave me suddenly and not try like he said we would attend counselling once more. He refused to see me and give closure.
What is your advice and what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2016 at 11:26 am
Hi Shaz,
move on from him. Get thearpy and start a new life with your kids.. We don’t advise going back to abusive relationships. He’s emotionally abusing you and the kids and yes, he has moved on to the other woman.
Jar Hearts
October 26, 2016 at 6:07 am
Hi EBR. I need your help. My ex-boyfriend and I have been friends for 10 years, In those ten years we became best friends for 6 years and in a relationship for 4 years. We became official last 2012. After 7 months we broke up, then on again. In other words, for 4 years we were in an on again, off again relationship. He always had other women whenever we’re off. She had two official girlfriends then (rebounds, I guess), the rest were flings. But everytime he keeps coming back to me. The last time he came running back was when I got busy with my licensure exam and I got close to his guy bestfriend. He contacted me one afternoon and wanted to talk to me. He said he doesn’t know what he will be able to do to himself if I don’t show up. So, I did. When we met, he cried and asked me if I had sex with his bestfriend which I didn’t. Then he wanted me back. At first I thought he changed. I got pregnant and we were happy. But sometime along when the baby was almost two months old, we had a petty arguement in which he left. Got all his clothes and walked out the door. I begged (many times) him to come back for a month, but he kept telling me “if we try it out, don’t you think it would be any different? I don’t want that anymore, I’m done with you…” then I found out he ate lunch with the girl he had a crush on just two days after he left us, they were with another friend. He told me he’d never replace me and my daughter with anyone else. And he told me he’d pick us over his office crush anytime. But now they’re dating, he’s courting her. And was not even a month yet. The girl has already fallen inlove with him. I tried the no contact, since he rarely wants to see the baby. Then I read about minimum contact, so only after 11 days after he told me “if you really love me, let me be with *insert girls name here*. I love her, and she makes me happy”… he emailed me (so he must have figured that I blocked him) asking how is the baby, does our baby still have diapers and even asked me to kiss our baby for him…” after three days, I replied although I saw the email a day after he sent it. Then today, our baby got sick… I asked him to bring over medicine since I couldn’t leave the house with the baby. He came over, he had casual conversations with me and I tried to be casual as well. He was showing off his new bracelet which his new girl gave him. I didn’t tell him I know who gave it, but I told him “since when do you wear ugly bracelets?” then I felt his insecurity come to him, coz he said “it’s ugly :\”. Then when he left, I texted him that I wanna make it clear that we’re not friends, I’m just entertaining him for the baby”, then he told me “yeah, sure :)” then I texted him “I just wanna be blunt, I don’t wanna do anything with a guy who says he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not the same girl you could run to whenever you have no one. You can’t have me in any way now.” Then he replied again saying “Point taken. Noted :)”. Then I ended the conversation by “I’m glad you understand :)”
What should I do? Do I need to repeat the nc/mc? I really wanna use nc, because if I use mc I won’t know really if he’s just using texting/emailing as tactic to see if he’s still got me in the palm of his hands.
Jar Hearts
November 3, 2016 at 3:44 am
Hi, again. Thank for replying. There’s a new thing going on, he’s been telling me he’ll be getting revenge on me for talking shit about his new girl. And he’s been threatening me. He’s been crazy obsessive about the new girl, he’ll do everything for her. I think I should just cut him off.
Jar Hearts
October 26, 2016 at 6:16 am
Let me add this. One time he saw me crying, he came to me hugged me and told me “it’s alright, we’re still bestfriends right?” then I said, “no, you don’t understand how much I want us to have a complete family”, then he “I understand that, you’re not the only one who’s having a hard time.” Then when he left that day, he kissed me. This was two days before he told me to let him be with *insert girls name here* if I really love him. That he loves the girl and she’s happy with him. This happened before, he always kept me as a bestfriend because whenever it didn’t work out, he’d have me. But now I fear he’s not coming back since the girl had no boyfriend since birth, is so kind to him, has a lot of friends… he really likes her.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 11:07 am
Hi Jar Hearts,
why does he keep breaking up with you? It would be better if you unblock him, so the communication for your baby will be easy.. Yes, you have to start minimal contact.. It’s ok to talk about your baby. Just don’t talk about feelings, relationships, about the two of you, how’s everything.. Just be civil about the baby and then make a new routine that only involves him as a co parent.. It’s not good that he keeps you as a rebound if it doesn’t work out with whoever he’s with.. I think you need to do at least 45 days and then after that, take it slow.. Even if he says he wants you back, take it slow. You’ve been back and forth for so long, it’s like it’s been so easy for him to just leave you because he knows you always take him back.
A.b
October 17, 2016 at 5:57 am
Hey, im a guy…. im just wondering if anyone has an ideas, my ex and i broke off awhile ago, i came home from work my place was cleaned out, we have 2 kids together been together about 4 years, she so off and on, 2 days ago she came by for money for my kids, yet when she was leaving started kissing me and saying how she wants to have sex with me, yet i ask about my kids and to see them and she wont let me, she usually talks to me everyday both text and on phone, about the future and things not relivant to my kids, yet she says she gonna move away with them, to another place where her sister lives, ive tried have little contact i pm just ready to give up i dont know what to do anymore, she says shes not budging im sure so much shit was talked about me, yet from time to time she says she loves me but she never coming back, im so tired of feeling like this anymore,
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 18, 2016 at 3:47 pm
Hi Ab,
why did she broke up with you?
Reese
October 6, 2016 at 11:18 am
HI Amor,
I’ve had my first born with a man I really love, its his second child and he initially told me he wasny ready. everything happened so fast, barely dated four months. When I was 6 months pregnant he relocated for a job, since than I have been throwing it in his face saying he ran away. constant arguments and fights over the phone with me and him, me involving his family. too much hurtful things said and done between us. my baby is a year almost and its continuing. his back home and only wants her in his life. says I need to let go, says his moved on with someone else which I am not sure is true. I love him, but I’m constantly threatening with our daughter that if he doesn’t want me, he cant have her etc. today he says I’m cornering him. what to do?
Reese
November 17, 2016 at 2:24 pm
so after two weeks of not talking to him, we have met up and did the deed. he was hesitant to do it in the first place as he said it would give me the wrong impression, insisted that I was big enough and knew better, but barely a day after we did it, I am calling and texting him. he said I realise my mistake which that I could stop. as I asked questions if it meant anything etc. he said it was just sex and that tis is what he was afraid if. we got into a fight and have blocked one another again and I just don’t know now the way forward now, please advise
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 18, 2016 at 2:33 pm
Oh no.. Dont ever sleep with him again. He even warned you and he’s right, you still have feelings, now you’re being demanding..it’s going to be harder next time. Either he will avoid you or try to be friends with benefits with you..but it looks like he would ignore you. You have to seem like you’re moving on..
Reese
October 20, 2016 at 1:58 pm
Hi Amor,
Thank you for the above advise. My daughter’s birthday was Friday the 14th October, the week prior to her birthday myself and her father got along very well. as soon as her birthday ended he informed me he was just pretending with me because he feels its the only way he would have been involved in his daughters celebrations. He has moved on and lied about not seeing anyone. So he says. Also said his on his own vibe right now and just wants to live asingle life. its been two days that I have not been in contact with him, which leads me to ask…what guarantee Is there that given the time and space, he will find his way back to me again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 22, 2016 at 11:28 am
Nothing..there’s no guarantee because only him knows what he really feels and want
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 9, 2016 at 11:04 am
Hi Reese,
Dont do that because it’s not helping.. threatening him, just makes him hate you more..
Try to put yourself in his shoes, in his eyes, you’re this woman who’s suddenly the mom of his second child and who just keeps forcing him to be in a relationship..
I cant say that there’s still a chance but the first step you need to take is to accept that he doesn’t love you and then to stop forcing him.. and then take your time in starting your own life..have your own routine that works while you co parent with him.. when he knows you’ve moved on, then he’ll probabaly ease up to be friendly again..and then slowly build rapport from there..
if it doesnt work out, you still have your more stable self..If it does, then it will be a better relationship because you have matured and have you own individuality
I’m not sure how long it will take but from how you described the situation , maybe it will take at least 6 months for you to really, genuinely start to be more mature and get more accustomed being independent..
MalignantOptimist
October 1, 2016 at 1:39 pm
I found your advice a little late it seems. My EX and I were in a relationship for 15 yrs, we have one daughter. The last two years we were separated but always still talking about getting back together. (It was a communication issue, since English is not his first language). It was me that needed more time, I was basically searching my soul to see if I could find the energy to continue the relationship and working some things out.
Unfortunately, when I decided that no one could love me and my daughter the way he does, he had met someone else. I only found out because he took my daughter to meet her. I was heartbroken since I had been intending on getting back together with him. I voiced my displeasure since we had never had a conversation about moving on, infact the last convo we’d had before this incident he was trying to arrange a family holiday for us. He sent me reems and reems of text messages basically blaming me for his moving on (taking too long, being cold) he was shocked to hear that I wanted to get back together and said that this threw a spanner in the works and asked to meet me in person to talk about it.
We did meet in person and it was more of the same, just blaming me really. It kind of made me think this new relationship is just a rebound or even to get a reaction from me. Since not once did he even list one thing about her being the reason he is in the relationship. Everything had to do with me. He asked me what I want and I told him I wanted our future and dreams that we’d worked hard for. (Like I said, I didn’t know how I was supposed to act at the time, I was just honest). He said it needed some serious consideration and that we’d talk more in the following week.
I hadn’t heard anything more from him and he also hadn’t been in contact with my daughter which is unusual except to tell her he was “alone” that weekend. Which I think was more for my benefit. He messaged me a week later and said he wasnt ignoring me but needed time to think. Stupidly I’d had a few cheeky glasses of wine and basically text bombed him a lot of emotional thoughts about wanting more kids and going on that holiday we were planning previously. To which he didn’t respond.
And, now I feel silly and also that I’ve set myself back. After reading all of this I realize just how many mistakes I’ve made – its just when the weekend rolls around I think about him with the new girl comparing her to me (shes younger) and since he’s in blame mode (negative) about me -its not hard for her to win is it? On a plus note, I am going back to school, losing weight, tending to hair, nails etc.. and evolving.
Should I opt for the limited contact? My only concern is that his primary worry is that I will be cold and not caring if we get back together (which is daft since I was only like that because we separated and I was working out some stuff) and so no contact kinda reaffirms what he doesn’t want? Ugh. Not sure what to do. I feel so close to him coming back and then at times miles away. He’s a good man and a family man so I hope that this will win out in the end. I love him :/
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 4:09 pm
Hi Malignant Optimist,
I think what you need to do is stop initiating relationship talks nor feelings talk. But just be friendly with him.. Don’t over do that you look like you’re being nice to get him back. Just be civil and kind. Look your best always if you see each other for you daughter. Act like you’ve done what you can and you understand his feelings so, now you’re just going to give him time while you remain friendly and civil.. Basically, you’re going to leave a good impression while avoiding looking like you’re chasing him..
I don’t know if you’re getting what I’m saying.. Just ask away if you have any question.
Jessica hope
September 28, 2016 at 3:19 pm
Me and my ex got back recently again he texted me telling me not to go cause I was going to move states and he was telling me to give him a chance so eventually I ended up staying like a dumb ass and the next day he came and picked me up we went to his house and there we had sex I didn’t want to but I was really horny after that for about a month we was great saying I love you getting into little arguments like a normal couple does this week he left me because he says I act childish because I argue a lot and assume because i dont trust him our last argument was yesterday a girl texted me saying he picked her up and went his house and had sex so I believe it because there was messages that turns out were old so he broke up with me for not believing him and he told me that he does not love me anymore or care about me so I told him to say it to me face with a straight face and he came to my house and he did looking me into my eyes later that night I blowed his phone up cried all night and everything I was so hurt i just don’t know why would he do this to me how do you fall so quickly out of love with someone you was just deeply in love with
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 10:53 am
Hi Jessica,
I think he either didn’t love you at all or fell out of love long before he broke up with you
IVORY
September 26, 2016 at 5:27 pm
Hi Amor
Me and my bf split for the third time first when I was three months preg, I was super emotional so I handled it completely wrong, then I did NC and he came back and we were together for about 6 more months and we got into and argument and I broke up with him left for 2week to stay with my mom and he was still in the house, one night while I was at mom I decided to go pass our house and found him there with is ex, so of course I I put them both out and came back home I reach out to him once after that and we huge fight I went into NC again and he came back and we started therapy for a while, and he followed all of my demands for us to work on the relationship we were doing really good planning to buy a house and everything then all of a sudden he got a attitude and we had another argument and he has left again. the thing that is strange to me is that his attitude always just pop up out of the blue. we will be doing great and then he changes, he does suffer from depression also and some of his actions seem to match with those symptoms, he said some really mean things to me in the argument like he doesn’t love me, but when we are doing good he says he loves me and the boys more then anything, I have 5 boys only 1 is his the youngest. SO I guess my question is do you think he is coming back or not, honestly it seems like a pattern, I am 3weeks into MC. thanks
IVORY
September 27, 2016 at 7:39 pm
NO …like I said it just comes out of the blue, then we break up for awhile and then he comes back…the times that we stay apart are getting shorter though first it was 2months then 6weeks and now this time just yesterday he came to the house because we had an emergency but stayed after it was over to talk and it seemed like he is trying to feel me out. so how should I handle it at this point….He did also say he didn’t mean anything that he said
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 28, 2016 at 6:53 pm
well, that’s good that it’s getting short. I think he’s afraid to commit to you because of the past. First he was not ready to be a father before, and then the arguments and then his depression. It’s like he doesn’t like pressure. That means you just really need to take it slow and let him prove that he didn’t mean what he said.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 27, 2016 at 3:09 pm
Hi Ivory,
you said he’s fine when things are good, so that means there’s a trigger whenever he’s not good. What is it? Do you argue about something, any unaddressed problem or challenge?
Danielle
September 24, 2016 at 12:39 am
Me and the father of my child been through so much the past 2 years. When i was pregnant we argued fought and even cried together. We wasnt in a relationship because I hated his guts, but he was there for me through the whole pregnancy. I thought our daughter would bring us closer together but it gotten worse. And as of 2 months ago we havent slept together and i feared it was someone else, and it was. He slept with someone else and it hurt me so bad. I forgave him though. I want us to be a family but i dont know if he still wants the same, im not sure if he still loves me the same, how can I tell?. I mean he texts me tell me he loves me, calls me babe and says he wants his family but needs time. But when we see eachother we barely speak. I never knew how much I loved him until he pushed me away. I dont know what else to do because I can’t seem to let him go
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 24, 2016 at 5:12 pm
Hi Danielle,
don’t sleep with him again if you’re not back together, to avoid more complications. Are you going to do what’s advised above?
Ana
September 16, 2016 at 8:29 pm
Hi me and my ex were together since high school but broke up and got back after 9 months now its been 6 years and we have a 2 year old him and I get along so well I love him so much and I know he loves me…we broke up because he was talking to someone I didn’t like now hes always loved attention and in the last dew months I was not myself and we didn’t sleep together as much as we used to so I kicked him out when I found out…well its been two months since and now he says he needs time to be alone and when I ask him if me and him will get back together he says he thinks so you never know…I’m so confused how can you say that but I still get invited by him and his family places…I need him to feel like he can lose me and I want him back but idk how please help
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 19, 2016 at 6:18 am
Hi Ana,
are you going to try what’s advised above? If you want to feel that he will lose you, you have to stop asking him if you have a chance together
Meliss
September 12, 2016 at 3:59 am
Hi! I need help!! Me and my ex partner broke up 2 years ago. Was on again off again. We always hung out and then he would push me away. Then come back a few weeks later. I ended up pregnant. And we were on and off during pregnancy. Our son is now 9 months. He’s been good the last few months with our son. But he’s constantly trying to make me jealous he always has but always admits to me he was just trying to wind me up(usually worked) .. We are kind of on again… I want him I love him and want to be a family. I think he’s a commitment phobe.. I layed all my feelings on the line and he said na not gonna happen. Then he wants to start hanging out again a couple weeks ago because I wasn’t messaging him much. I don’t know what to do.. I want him and our family and it’s really great when we are all together but he almost gets scared and pushes me away.. please help this is doing my head in….what do I do?!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 13, 2016 at 6:10 pm
Hi Meliss,
time to be strong now and not get easily swayed with little affections and attentions that he shows you, so that he doesn’t think that you’re easy.
For me, men commit to somebody that is so great that doesn’t ask for commitment. Basically being the ungettable girl. When he sees that you’ve improved and that you will walk away and you will not play his games anymore, and that he will lose you if he doesn’t commit, he would more likely commit.
That will only be through your actions. Saying to him that he will lose you if he doesn’t commit will just sound bs to him, because he knows through how you talk to him and how you act that you’re still hung up on him.And he probably knows, you’re just saying that to get him to commit. So, words are not really that powerful, if your actions say otherwise.
Check these ones:
The Ungettable Girl
How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit
Rachael
September 7, 2016 at 6:03 pm
I’ve been with my ex for over three years, we have 1 child together and I have 2 from previous relationship, he took them on as his own, never treated any one of them different. Anyway a month ago he just left, sent me an angry text to say “he can’t do this anymore” I’ve had a few lady problems which were getting sorted out but I did sweep it all under the carpet for a long time. I have been pretty pants at communicating. Anyway I’ve since been diagnosed with postnatal depression. Had/getting treatment and slowly feeling better. I have told him this. He’s not really been responding to messages about the kids, he’s not seen the kids in 8 weeks as he’s “trying to sort his head out” I personally think he’s battling with some sort of depression himself. I have lost it a few times over text begging him ect and his response was “we both know it’s over I don’t think we will ever be like that again” I love this guy so much I’ve spent the last 8 weeks looking back at my life and the mistakes I made in our relationship. I have got help and tried to improve myself, my heart is still broken and he’s the only one able to put it back together. I just want him to come back
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 8:46 am
Hi Rachael,
You have to stop chasing him. I think he’ll probably come back for the kids of course but even when that happens, don’t jump right in and ask him to come back to you. He has to see that you’ve accepted his decision and not trying to force him into a relationship again. Continue improving yourself even when he gets back and the slowly start as friends again. Build rapport and attraction from there.
Amanda
September 6, 2016 at 8:44 am
My ex and I have been through more than a normal couple should. We were dating/hooking up for only two months and got pregnant. He disappeared my entire pregnancy. He came back into the picture a few weeks before my due date. He was there everyday after our daughter was born, earned my trust back, and we fell in love. We were so happy. We jumped right into it. Bought a cute house, went on trips, and just lived a happy life. Fast forward a year and a half and he breaks up with me after a very heated argument this past March. I was a stay at home mom and will be the first to admit that I lost myself. My only outlets were him and our daughter. I turned into a depressed nag without realizing it. I would constantly pressure him into marriage. He tried to fix things. He forced me to go to therapy with him, where I would only berate him. I learned in therapy he was going to propose to me only three months before we broke up. I was in denial. I thought I was perfect and he had a million things to work on. After our breakup I did everything wrong. We were still living together, making it impossible not to beg for answers, beg for hope, beg for him to keep the door open. He told me he was still in love with me and that the door was still open, that he just needed space to figure everything out. That he wanted me to get healthy and happy too. Instead I packed up my bags and loaded my car and with his blessing, moved my daughter to another state to be with my mom while I tried to figure out my next move. I was broke with no job, no home, and no hope. I was determined to get a clear state of mind and win him back. I was only with my mom for a couple of weeks before I drove back home feeling confident with a plan. He had missed me and our daughter so much. I made the mistake of sleeping with him. A lot. For several weeks. Not focusing on myself or healing. Only focusing on him. And what this meant. Did this mean he wanted to get back together? No. It seemed to do the opposite. He told me had fallen out of love with me, that the door was closed and he never EVER saw us getting back together. Having lost all hope and my desire to even breath, I took to the bottle. I started drinking in hopes of numbing myself. It got so bad that I don’t remember him picking up our daughter on one of his nights. That was the last straw. He was really done the next day. Threatened (with good reason) to take our daughter away from me. Who had I become? I was a great mother. A focused mother. A loving mother that would die for her child. What was I doing? What was I doing to our child? His patience and understanding was burnt out at this point. He was exhausted. I was exhausted. It finally woke me up. I admitted I had a drinking problem to all of my friends and family. Started going to AA. Got a full time job utilizing my degree. Found my own place. I’m starting pre requisite classes at the end of this month for nursing school. I’ve been hiking or going to the gym everyday. I feel like I have found myself again. It’s been three months since the drinking incident occurred. I found out that I am pregnant shortly after getting sober. I haven’t brought “us” up once in those three months. We have somehow remained close friends in all of this. He has been there for me 100% with this pregnancy. I could tell he was starting to get interested again. Bringing me flowers and asking me to dinners. But then I slept with him, again. So somehow, I have found myself in the friends with benefits zone. My question (finally got there) is simple, do I stand a chance getting him back after ALL of this with the MC rule? If anything, the FWB made me realize I am worth more and I want more. I want the whole package again. I want the happy relationship we once had back. Before all this drama. I don’t know who that person was towards the end of our relationship and first three months of our breakup. I know that I’m a better version of myself now than I have ever been before. It’s been driven by my love for him and for our family. Being four months pregnant now, I want desprately for us to be a family again. But after all of this self reflection and change, if he truly wanted to get back together, he would’ve done it by now, right? Holy smokes this is a long post and I feel like a silly girl for posting it. But in desperate times, right?
Ann
September 7, 2016 at 10:47 pm
Amor What if the mc does not work. Does that mean it is over with your ex ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 8, 2016 at 3:10 pm
How would you say that it didn’t work? I mean what you do you mean by that? Did you mean if he didn’t say I love you or ask you back right after mc?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2016 at 6:58 am
Hi Amanda,
but it felt good writing all of that right? I think you have a good chance.. Just take things slow and keep doing what you’re doing but this time, set aside getting him back. Put your healing and independence first. I can see that he will be a good father to your children, so I dont think your children will feel any less of being a family even if you’re not together.. Put yourself first and then later on slowly rebuild your friendship with your ex…
JAY R
September 4, 2016 at 12:08 am
My exgf is about ten weeks pregnant and ended it with me because I lied to her about stupid things. I want her back but am improving myself first and doing a nc period that is completed at the end of September. She stated in a breakup letter that she wants sole custody of the child, what should I do
Ann
September 10, 2016 at 12:23 pm
Hello again
Yes. What if nothing happens. He just keeps going on with his life. My husband is now seeing someone. But we have three children together so I did see him often. I did not try the MC yet. I just don’t want to give my hopes up. I don’t know what to expect after 30 days.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 12, 2016 at 7:37 am
That’s why it’s very important that you improve yourself, make a new routine and start to have your own life during no contact because it’s not guaranteed that he will come back.. And when after mc you started to build rapport and it didnt work out, at least you still have your improved self, and a civil relationship. Lose him but dont ever lose yourself
Nicte
September 8, 2016 at 4:27 am
Everything’s a big lie. It never happens. My exboyfriend hates me and he hates our don too. He says that i gor oregnsnt to keep him near be we have never lived together in The 9 years we’ve spent together.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 10:57 am
Hi Nicte,
hmm.. was it a one sided love affair?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2016 at 11:01 pm
Hi Jay R,
first, you can keep talking to her for doctor’s appointments and anything about the child. That’s ok..As long as you don’t go into heavy relationship talk. If she initiates, don’t engage in a fight. Stay calm and listen to her.. Tell her you don’t want to lose custody of the child, you understand that she’s angry and to please think about it first.
If she still answers angrily tell her, ok.. I understand but just to make it clear, you love your child and you refuse to lose the right to be a father to him/her but you respect her decision for now and you’re giving her space to think about things and you don’t want to keep arguing with her, because it can harm the baby..
then let her cool off