Getting An Army, Military Or Navy Ex Boyfriend Back- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

195 thoughts on “Getting An Army, Military Or Navy Ex Boyfriend Back”

Tay

July 1, 2016 at 11:50 pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. He joined the navy a couple months ago and ships out for boot camp on July 26… two days after our anniversary. I have always told him that I would wait for him but he doesnt seem to believe me. He wants to break up before he leaves, at least thats what he has said but on multiple occasions he has told me that he wants us to stay together and I can come visit once hes in A school and has a weekend away (I understand that these arent given right off the bat.) I have six friends whose boyfriends are in the marines, navy and army and they’ve all stuck with it so I have a strong community of military girlfriends around me at all times and I know what’s coming once he leaves as their boyfriends have already been through boot camp and some already through their schooling.
I plan on attending college while he is away so that when he gets home, I already have a job and he can go to school. Plus, school is a good distraction. We have already been together for four years and it has passed so quickly so I feel like five more would fly by.
I dont know what to do to help him see that I am dedicated to this relationship, and to him. What can I do? And if he does want to break up, he has always said that I still need to write him… do i write him like I normally would or as if we were just friends?
I have less than a month to figure out so so much about us and its beginning to stress me out. HELP. I really just need advice overall about how to deal with this and how to help him through this transition…

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 4, 2016 at 10:56 am

Hi Tay,

you have to agree with him if he wants to break up.. do you want to try Chris’ advice above?

Jane

June 29, 2016 at 5:15 am

My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago. He said he is too busy and has a lot coming up with work.It is too much to juggle right now. It was better to end it before it got worse. He said after everything, “thats not to say that it won’t change after all of this is knocked out.”Do you really think that he wants to get back with me when he’s not so crazy? Or do you think he said it to get my hopes up? Do you think he’ll talk to me even though things are ‘over’?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 4:29 pm

Hi Jane,

I think it’s better to let him prove if he’s true to his word by doing active no contact

Mary

June 15, 2016 at 7:03 pm

Hi EBR team,
Thanks for this read. I’m sort of in the same situation except my ex is going overseas to work as military support. He broke up with me almost 4 weeks ago. He told me he couldn’t be in a relationship and go overseas. He said he didn’t want to put me through all the stress. I honestly think he did it because he has done this before in the past and his girlfriend at the time cheated on him. I think that he’s afraid I’ll do the same thing. I did the mistake of sending several text to him about how I would not do that to him and I wanted to be there to support him all the way through it. A few days later he said okay we can try it, and things went back to normal for a cbout a week and then he shut himself off. He told me he just can’t do it because he has to be in the right mindset to go over there and accomplish his goal. After that I left him alone. I get that he’s doing this to better himself and his future, but it just really hurts that he is pushing me away. He doesn’t know yet when he will be leaving…it could be a couple months but once he’s gone his contract may be anywhere from a year to three! I’m really hoping it not three years because I want him back and I don’t want him to forget about me. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and we’ve had such a great relationship (together a little over 7 months). I’ve not texted him or called him but unfortunately it’s hard for me to stay away from peeking at his Facebook or any other social media. It’s just so strange to me how we go from this great relationship talking about marriage and our future to him cutting me out! I’m working on better myself and trying to focus on that but it’s really hard. I’m working out and am going back to school in the fall to work towards a better career. It’s hard to talk to my friends and family because they just want me to get over him and move on, but it’s not that simple. I love him and want to spend forever with him. One of his friends told me she’d let me know how he’s doing every now and then and when he leaves. I’m just afraid he’s going to forget me or what we had if he’s gone so long!

Mary

June 22, 2016 at 11:58 am

Amor,
I’ve noticed he is being very flirtatious with other girls on fb and Instagram…why is he doing that if he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship while he goes overseas. Is he trying to make me jealous??
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 7:10 am

either that or he lied to you.
Mary

June 19, 2016 at 3:33 pm

Okay, so I should continue no contact until he is gone? Then do the first contact text when he is away?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 5:53 pm

yep 🙂
Mary

June 18, 2016 at 3:00 pm

Hi Amor,
Thank you for replying! How would you suggest I go about building that rapport?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 19, 2016 at 12:23 am

if you can text, text..if it’s just skype then you can use that..
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 8:47 am

Hi Mary,

hmm..let’s say that you have to come from the mindset that he already decided to move on but he’s not expecting you to improve and be open to friendship again ..so wow him with that.. and actually I think it would seem realistic for him if you build rapport while he’s there already coz you get to prove you’re not like his ex

Sam

June 6, 2016 at 4:06 pm

Hi! So my Ex broke up with me right before he left for OCS (Officer Candidate School) in the marines. Our relationship was kinda rocky at times when we were together but our relationship got better at the end and we were both pretty happy together. However, he dropped the boom saying he wanted to break up because he just didn’t see how it could work if we weren’t really going to get to see each other. At first I was really upset but after 2 days we talked again and I told him that we should stay friends and keep in contact wile he’s away. He agreed to it and we still saw each other before he left. I could tell it was really hard for him by how he treated me and his body language and I know how much he cares about me. He said we would still be together if he wasn’t going into the Marines. He was a little stand offish the last time I texted him before he left but I think its because he was getting ready to go in and kinda hardened himself for it. We were still ourselves with each other the last few times we saw each other before he left. I am planning on writing to him wile hes away for support and everything. I feel like a part of him did want to stay together but he just saw it crashing and burning if we were to try long distance no matter how much I wanted to try and how committed I was. I think the fact that I have 2 more years of college since I have to do a 5th year makes a difference as well. He isn’t the type of person to use people either or lead them on he is a very stand up kinda guy. We were together for over 9 months and basically lived together wile we were dating. At a point in our relationship I got depressed bc of stress and other factors in my life and it effected our relationship but I got better and so did our relationship once I realized that it was effecting our relationship badly. I think he is scared that I would get depressed again if we were to try a long distant relationship and he couldn’t be there for me or be the boyfriend he would want to be fore me. We had a lot of happy and good times also through everything and we ended the relationship on a good note before he left. I know he wasn’t sure if I was the right person and I have things I have to work on to be a better person. I do think we genuinely enjoyed each other and had a mental and physical connection even though we didn’t always see eye to eye. He said he wouldn’t be against trying things out again in the future if the opportunity came. Is keeping in touch with him my best option to have something later on? I guess I want to know how to get him thinking that things could change and that our relationship could be better than ever. Right now I can’t talk to him with anything but letters I haven’t been able to send my first one yet bc I haven’t gotten his mailing address yet. I am planning on keeping all the letters positive because he is going to be going through hell wile being there and I want to be his support. I know we really do care for one another and I really have been trying to improve myself. I am just nervous he won’t see this a worth trying again.

Sam

June 30, 2016 at 6:37 pm

sorry I don’t think anyone has seen my reply back
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 1, 2016 at 1:45 pm

sorry for the late reply sam.. I think he’s just saying the reality of being in the military.. Give it a rest for now.. if he doesn’t contact you, either do another a month or do the long nc suggested above.
Sam

June 26, 2016 at 12:41 pm

Haven’t showed a a lot of desperation* as in yes we saw rah other sill before he left and acted like we were kinda still together. I could kinda see that it was kinda hard for him to let go of this bc he cared but felt like it was what was best. One of the things I said to him was that I was scared he would find someone else. However his response was ” your going to be in a rainforest of options and I am going to be in a desert”. I can’t tell if that was him showing that he was insecure or not by saying that or that he still had feelings or not. I feel like most guys wouldn’t say that if they didn’t still have feelings for the person.
Sam

June 26, 2016 at 12:36 pm

Sorry I meant to say didn’t contact me. So basically right now it seems like he is kinda ignoring me, however, since he has left I have really showed any real sign I feel like of being desperate. Maybe I did before he left when him and I stills we each other but nothing bad. I am just confused bc he agreed to staying in contact and everything. I messaged his sister to see if she got the address a few weeks ago she said not yet but she would let me know when they do. I told him in advance that I would ask her sister for it if it wasn’t posted so he new. His sister was really nice when I messaged her and I stayed up beat however like I said she said they had not yet gotten a letter from him either. He has his phone again this weekend and still hasn’t done anything. I feel like he might just not be talking to anyone right now and might be concentrating on what he has to do but I have no idea he could be also just ignore me but not everyone else. We didn’t have a bad break up either we broke up on good terms so I am just confused. He also isn’t the type of person to say something he doesn’t mean so when he agreed to stay friends and keep in contact I feel like he would but maybe he just needs time? He also said he would be willing to try again later with him and I if there was an opportunity however I also don’t know what type of opportunity he would be looking at also.
Sam

June 20, 2016 at 4:18 pm

Well he actually hasn’t talked to me at all since going in and I haven’t gotten his mailing address or anything. How would no contact work for my situation? It seems like all he is doing is focusing on himself right now. He even got his phone back for a little wile this weekend and did contact me. sorry meant to put my comment on this one.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 9:07 pm

He did contact you? So, what did he say?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 15, 2016 at 6:45 am

Hi Sam,

I think you should start no contact first.. have you?

Beth

May 25, 2016 at 9:10 pm

This article was a great read, and I was not sure if it would apply to my situation. My, I guess now is considered ex met online about a year and a half ago while he was deployed in another country. We talked for about a year and made plans to see each other when we got back. We were able to see each other for about 6 days before he was sent to a base about 13 hours away. We had decided to put a label on our relationship and committed to a LDR. We talked about our future together and he told me that I was the one he was going to marry. We haven’t seen eachother for about 4 months now and about two days ago he decided that he did not want to have the boyfriend/girlfriend label anymore, he wanted a break and suggested that we stay just friends for now until he is able to come visit me to build a foundation for our relationship. He feels that we rushed into giving ourselves a label and does not want either of us to feel rushed into making a big commitment that we both could regret. He is thinking about staying in the army for another 3 years and does not think he could do a LDR with only seeing each other twice a year. He says that his feelings for me have not changed, and that he still loves me but he just needs more time, he says that he is not with or looking for anyone else to be with. He says that he will come see me when he gets leaves so we can get more physical time together. We are still texting, however it is not flirty/romantic as it used to be, however if I slip up and say love you he will say it back, so I am a bit conflicted. I do not know if I should keep texting and talking to him because we are still planning to visit each other once he has the time or if I should stop and use the NC rule. I really don’t want to lose him.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 28, 2016 at 3:52 am

Hi Beth,

the only option I can see is you move closer to him.. if you see each other, and if he agrees once you suggest that, then good.. if not, give him time to think about it.. if he doesn’t change his mind then try doing no contact

Vi

May 14, 2016 at 4:24 pm

Well, your article is great and very easy to understand but I’m really confused about how that could work in my type of relationship, since I’m in a LDR and he’s in the army.
We met online and everything was great, we communicated well but with time, it’s like he’s distancing himself, he sees and reads my text but sometimes doesn’t respond to it, I’d have to send maybe another one on a different day before he sends a reply, and I think it’s not just working anymore, but I don’t just want to end things immediately because I feel that way and friends also think he is, so what can I do to either know if he’s still interested or I’m not just doing something right.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 7:49 am

Hi Vi,

have you met in person? how long have you been together?

Eunji

May 2, 2016 at 10:49 am

Hi,

my bf broke up with me in Feb before he went back to Korea for army. (we’re korean but grew up in the US, and korea has this mandatory military service) im 21 and he’s 24. He told me I would be a burden for him coz army life would be really tough and he wanted to focus on just himself. this is really selfish but i can also understand him, and we havent talked for 70 days. I really wanna text him to see how he’s doing but i didnt. (well i texted him 6 days after we broke up and he was being nice to me but he ended the conversation, and the 70 days started there). when we broke up he kept saying that our relationship wasnt going to work out becos of the distance. (he’s going to stay in korea after army and I wanna stay in the US but im 200% willing to move back to korea for him after graduation) before i went in to the departure gate (when we last met) i gave him a 6 page letter telling him how much i loved him but i would let him go.

The biggest problem is he doesnt have confidence in our relationship. he doesnt believe we can work this out together if BOTH of us try. I was the ONLY one who was trying hard. I went to korea to see him twice before he went to the army (he left the US a few months before that). I didn’t really beg him to come back coz he’s really absolute about things and I knew he wasnt going to change his mind in a short time. it was really tense for us to talk before we broke up becos both of us were so sad and worried. at the end i decided to give in and do whatever he wanted me to do (he wanted me to go back to the US and never contact him again and i did). I allow him to do this on me becos i love him. I dont wanna be so harsh to him. i know he was feeling so bad as well (one time we were talking on street and he almost cried, it broke my heart to see him like that). and i knew he needed time to rethink and recover. Im pretty sure he would reply me if i text him after the 70 days NC ( he promised to and he will), but im not sure if our convo is going to end up like last time (talking about very generic stuff). (he can always use his phone so cell service is not going to be a problem)

so here’s our situation, and questions: will he be surprised that I still text him after 70 days coz he might think I already forgot about him (i will never)? and im going back to korea to see my grandparents next month and gonna stay till september. So how should i turn the generic convo into more in depth? the way we talk is going to really depend on whether he’s willing to give one more chance. should i let him know that im going to be back in korea at the beginning of our convo or should i tell him the second or third time we text? and if he’s replying positively to me going back to korea, does it mean i can start to initiate a date?

im going to text him tomorrow.

Maria

June 3, 2016 at 1:29 am

EUNJI, leave him alone! he doesn’t want anything with you! I know is easier said then done! but if you leave him alone two things might happen…. 1. He will start wondering what happened to the girl he took for granted and is madly in love with him!might contact you just to check if you’re still crazy over him or 2. Until he can define his future(career) you’re in second place! he might come back but not now. GIRLS IN THIS FORUM PLEASE LISTEN!!!!! SILENCE SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS! MAN AND WOMEN LOVE DIFFERENTLY! MAN ARE PROVIDERS, THEY NEED TO FEEL SELF CONFIDENT IN THEIR CAREERS AND GOALS FIRST, BEFORE SETTLING DOWN! PLEASE, PLEASE MY BEAUTIFUL LADIES DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME! DON’T BEG OR CONTACT, LEAVE THEM ALONE! FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND I PROMISE THE RIGHT MAN WILL COME ALONG!
Eunji

May 13, 2016 at 3:19 pm

Thank you again Amor!

okay so last week my bf didnt read or reply my text, and i waited for 3 days, he read it with no reply, and the next day i texted him again saying that there was an earthquake in Taiwan (i was having vacation there and going back to korea after that) and just wanted to text him after it. i said exactly this:

must be so busy right?
there was an earthquake today.. just wanna text you after it :’)
would just like to send you some positive energy for your training every day!

he replied at dinner time: thank you! have a nice weekend

isn’t it so cold..? he didnt even ask me about the earthquake.. he’s not worried about me?

i havent reply him yet, should i? or should i just text him again after a few days?

is he replying so slow on purpose? i realised that the only times he texted me were in the morning between 7 – 8 (as i know his training starts at 8am), around 6 – 630pm (probs dinnertime )and around 9pm (rest time). so im telling myself that he is really busy and can only text at particular times.

im trying to do the tide theory but it seems imposssible to do so coz he replied really slow and was so indifferent. he didnt ask questions and it was hard for me to continue with the convo.

so now, do i reply to his text ‘thank you have a nice weekend’? and should i text him again after a few days? what to say?

i wanna just directly tell him that ‘i’ll be back in korea for the whole summer so if you have a holiday and have time let me treat you to dinner/lunch/drinks’. how does it sound? is it too fast to ask him about this?

thank you!!!
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 5:50 am

yup it’s too fast.. text in the times that he is available… and it’s better if it sounds more natural..

Like, “We just had an earthquake here!! Gosh, how is it there? do you do drills regarding earthquakes too?”

don’t tell him you’re texting him just to say it..
Eunji

May 9, 2016 at 4:02 pm

and i sometimes really wanna be just frank and tell him what i think, just tell him, i still have feelings for you…
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 10, 2016 at 3:28 am

actually it’s really hard with your situation.. like what’s mentioned in this post.. it can be that you have to do nc until he goes home
Eunji

May 9, 2016 at 4:00 pm

i feel like there’s kinda no hope that we can get back together coz he’s not showing interest at all..
Eunji

May 9, 2016 at 3:58 pm

thanks amor

its been almost 3 days… still hasnt read… i tried to call him yesterday by my friend’s number but he no one picked up. so im just telling myself that he’s just not allowed to use his phone this week…

should i text again? if yes, what to text? or call him by my number? or wait (for how long?) I Should do the 2nd NC..?
Eunji

May 8, 2016 at 8:57 am

Thanks so much Amor!!

I sent him a text asking him about his duty yesterday in the morning…. and he hasnt read it yet…. i think he blocked me..?

but our convo was going on well… it wasnt really interesting but at least so friendly…………. i ended the convo and i was trying to wait for 2 days and text again… but he stopped reading and replying…..

i feel like dying now…… feeling so bad…… its been more than a day but he still hasnt read it…. what to do….? should i call him? or is he on a special duty right now so he’s not allowed to use his phone? if he really blocked me… should i just give up…. feel so so bad now..
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 9, 2016 at 2:48 am

relax.. you’re already had a good convo, so it’s normal that sometimes he gets busy.. it’s been just a day.. continue to do what you were during no contact to improve yourself..
Eunji

May 5, 2016 at 8:41 am

thanks.. so worried….. i cant do anything thinking about this…

his replies were so polite and simple.. didnt reveal anything about his life at all.. and he didnt ask me questions back and i think it means he doesnt care about my life? i asked him if he’s got a holiday and he just said ‘no not yet’.. and asked ‘hows it these days…’ isnt it too simple?… i said im going on vacation and he just said ‘hahaa hope you have a good time there’… all these answers were just responding to me but he didnt show interest at all.. hes just trying to be polite i think… does it mean i have to give up?

or should i continue with the conversation.. like talking to him every few days asking him about his life (just nothing serious)? until one day he gets used to it and initiate to text me?

when should i tell him im going back to korea? and if he just answers like ‘great that youre coming back!’ but doesnt ask me follow up questions, what should i do?

im going to talk to him again on saturday (i think its better cos prob he has less things to do) but cant think of a good opening… sentence…. should it be a statement or a question? questions like do you also have duties on saturday? or just say like, vacation is so nice here… wish you were here? or send him a photo of the beautiful view?

i know i have many questions.. thank you so much Amor!!!!!!!!!
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 8, 2016 at 3:42 am

it’s boring for him to talk about what he’s been doing.. ok, think of two people who’s having a good convo.. they’re mostly talking about experiences they both had, similar interests, or someone in that convo has something more to offer and the other one learns from him/her.. they’re not just talking about what day to day activities.. I know it’s hard, but you’re already asking a like an old time gf checking up on a bf..

you’re sparking interest, not just keeping a conversation..
hmm, what was topics you used to talk about a lot that he loves? what updates would he love to hear in the army? what insights can you gain from him? like does he play video games, and then you’re playing it too right now, ask him for a tip about a level you can’t get off from… something like that..
Eunji

May 3, 2016 at 3:01 pm

Hi Amor,

Thank you so much for your reply. now im going to be friends with him first.

I texted him in the morning and he read it in the afternoon and replied at night. Why did it take so long for him to reply? Was he doing that on purpose to make me wait or he really forgot to reply after reading it until at night?

I texted him with a simple question and he gave a short, simple but friendly reply. He just told me army is so busy. does it mean he’s telling me that im busy dont text me? Then i waited for 1,5 hours to text back with another simple question. Till now I have been waiting for another 1,5 hours but he still hasnt read it yet. right now im so worried.. its just taking so long.. if he wants to talk to me he wouldn’t be replying so slow.. right? and if he replies again should i just end the convo? and text him again after a few days? or do i continue with it right away? i think i’ll be telling him that im going on vacation (a place both of us talked a lot about) Is it interesting enough? i wanna ask him for his address in the army to send a postcard or a photograph or sth.. is it too much?

thanks! please reply asap!!!!
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 12:08 pm

yeah, it’s too much.. he’s not engaging much so don’t do that.. and also him saying army is busy, means army is busy that’s why he can’t reply much.. what kind of questions are you asking? is it personal? hmmm.. work on that.. work on topics.. give it 30 min- 1 hour reply time.. if he replies the next day.. reply with a text that ends the convo and then rest for a full day of texting and observe what time he usually replies, and send your next text at that time.
Eunji

May 2, 2016 at 10:50 am

looking forward to your reply, thanks so much!! ^^
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 3, 2016 at 2:38 pm

Hi Eunji,

Treat as a restart.. Move on from the past relationship.. and approach him like a friend catching up.. not an ex wanting to go back together.. if you didn’t know each other, and you wanted to be good friends with him, how you would you interact with him? Think of it that way but at the same time, did you improve yourself during the 70 days? coz, i’m thinking you wanted to text him to build enough rapport before you go back to korea right? But it’s really important that you have built your own life and improved yourself, so, if you haven’t done that do that while you’re rebuilding rapport with him

Cherry

April 26, 2016 at 6:27 am

Hi Chris,

My long term relationship ended with my partner about 2 months ago now. We were together for 6 years and have been living together for 5 years and 6 months. We weren’t married as yet, however this was always on the cards, as we talked about allot of things that we were going to be doing in the future, but as always, life just gets in the way. We were so very happy together, we got allot so great as we had so much in common and had the same interests. We have allot of great friends and our families got along well together. He also owned his own successful business, we were both financially well off and enjoyed allot of the finer things in life.

He dropped the bomb shell on me in November last year that he was going to apply for the Australian Army, which came out of nowhere. He had intentions of apply in October this year, I honestly thought it was another idea of his that he would eventually tire of and it wouldn’t actually happen (he had allot of ideas that never really come to fruition). So I didn’t really talk about it much, hoping in the back of my mind it wouldn’t happen.

Fast forward to February this year, after he went on a 2 week holiday over to the Eastern States of Australia with his family and the day he comes home, he started treating me so very cold and was barely speaking to me. So I confronted him on what was going on, he basically told me that he was going to apply for the army within two weeks, he is going to be selling his home, closing his business and his feelings for me aren’t strong enough anymore for him to want to continue our relationship. I was devastated, my world as a I knew it was gone in seconds. He said that he can longer make me happy and I deserve happiness, he said that he hadn’t been happy in our relationship for about 2 years now as well. Which I believe (no, I know) that isn’t true, however I believe he needed to convince himself of this, so the breakup was easy on him. He had no real reason for why he wasn’t happy when I asked him.

I told him that I would support his decision, encourage him if this is what he wanted, heck I was even willing to move over East with him. But he asked for a break so he could focus on what he wanted. I gave him that break with NC, however it lasted only a week and he was calling to talk to me.

Our friends, families were in complete shock, as we really were such a great couple and also the best of mates. Even when they had asked why he ended things, he couldn’t give them any real reasons. Even now, everyone (even people in our town) are telling me that he is going to regret this decision of ending our relationship, as he will never meet anyone that treats him the way that I do, everyone can see that I loved him, his parents were devastated.

I believe that when he made the decision to join the army back in November last year, he checked out of our relationship, as I can see all the flags when I looked back now, he started distancing himself from me, he wouldn’t attend family functions, he started treating me terribly and started focusing his attention on everyone else. He would barely speak to me some days. But I love him so very much, so I just tried harder in the relationship. I also was convinced that it was something that I was doing as well, so I put in more and more effort in myself and all my insecurities.

I have learnt allot about him during the last 2 months, I know that he is not happy with in himself deep down, he has very low self-esteem and is somewhat emotionally immature with the way he behaves, however that is a different story. I do believe that joining the army is going to be the best thing for him, it is going to make him the person that I was longing for him to become. So I am supporting him 110%, I love him, so I want him to become the best he can possibly become for himself. However, he does still need to be accepted as yet. He has allot of growing up to do, so this may result in him not getting in.

During the last 2 months, I have moved into my own place, set myself up and have been focusing on improving myself, however I miss him terribly and still love him so very much. We live in a small town, so the NC is very hard and I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t turn my back on him when I know he needs this to improve himself. During the 2 months, he has still wanted the benefits of having me in his life, without the pressure of a relationship. So if he has people around for dinner, he asks me along, he comes around just to have a beer and chat about his application process. We basically spent of all this weekend just gone together (all on his invitations), we now sit and talk for ages, laugh and carry on just like we used too. He will do anything for me and does (mows my lawns, etc). He looks at me the way he used to as well. There has been no sexual benefits at all, I have too much respect for myself on that level, he can’t have his cake and it eat too. People actually assume we have got back together!

I just can’t seem to work out his behaviour, I love him (even when people tell me I can do better, but everyone has their flaws in life), so I am not willing to turn my back on him, I just can’t give up on something that I thought was for life, especially when he is going through some sort of crises. I just don’t know where his head is at and he continues to give mixed signals.

Any advice is going to be appreciated, as I can’t seem to find anything to help explain what the hell is going on with him.

Cherry

April 28, 2016 at 1:07 am

Hi Amor,

Yes, I am starting to think that is the main reason why he has ended our relationship. He wants to be 100% focused, therefore he needs to eliminate all the distractions from his life while pre training and then while he is going through the actually army training as well if accepted (I guess I would be the number 1 distraction in his life). It would have been great if he was honest about that, however I guess I wouldn’t of accepted that reason for our breakup if he had. I know that he still enjoys spending time with me, also enjoys my company, otherwise he wouldn’t be included me in his life still.

He has done a couple of things during the past couple of months that I don’t agree with either, but I believe that he has done this is so he can keep himself distracted from the breakup, as I am sure that he is hurting as well (from what I read, males tend to deal with these things differently to females, the more distractions the better).

It’s terribly sad that he thinks he needs to end what we had, as it really was a wonderful thing, but he doesn’t believe he is all that he can be without doing what he really wants to do (which is going the Army). He doesn’t want to turn around to me in 5 years and resent me for this (this is one thing he told me when we broke up). He has also said just the other day, he wants to become something that I can be proud of (although I was already so very proud of him already). I told him that I loved him and also love the person who I know that he can become, that I believe in him, therefore I need to let him go.

I will definitely remain in contact with him if he is accepted, and he may even be in service for a minimum of 10 years. I love him so much, all I can do is keep encouraging him and make sure he knows that I am there for him if he needs to call someone, or even write a letter

I can’t wait forever for him though, which is so upsetting and heartbreaking.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 27, 2016 at 7:20 am

Hi Cherry,

Do you think he did that to prevent having problems when he’s accepted in the army and to prepare you too? Because if that’s the case, if you get to stay in touch while he’s still in the army, it might make him realize that it can work but the truth is, the greater chance is when his service is done.

Jersey Girl

April 11, 2016 at 6:18 pm

Hi Chris
My boyfriend of 2 years has been deployed in the navy since last year for 9 months. All was going fine we email fairly regularly and he always let me know if the ship was going radio silent, contacting me as soon as operations permitted. He has a new job, and is a senior rating, so under immense pressure at all times. We recently went on a fantastic holiday during his mid deployment break, and he continued his warm emails until 22nd April. He suddenly became detached and cold, I asked if he was ok and bluntly replied yes but very busy. I had post a photo album full of pictures of our recent holiday and a few photos from previous ones. His birthday was a few days ago and I received a military talk email saying the promised leave may not happen, and his future was unstable, it was highly likely he would be drafted again and while he cared about me, he could see no future and the relationship would fail. I can’t write everything here, but I’m so gutted I can’t even bring myself to reply. On the plane back from our holiday he was already planning our next trip. I will say his last girlfriend left him during his last deployment, I was determined not to and to support him throughout which I’ve done. Im going to give him space to do his job, im not going to respond to his emails because if I do I’ll just be waiting for a reply which might not come. By the way I have been married and have grown up children which suited both of us as I wasn’t bothered about marriage neither was he, nor did he want kids due to his job. I’m older than him and very confident, financially secure. Any advice as I know he cares and I do too. I know he’s under immense pressure and can only focus on his job right now.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 13, 2016 at 10:02 am

Hi Jersey Girl,

If he really is busy then you’re right about giving him space.. but if you want to remain contact, try that after ignoring his incoming emails. Let’s hope he realizes he wants to be back and says it but if not, email him again after a month of silence..

Jessica

April 4, 2016 at 6:46 pm

Hi Chris,

This article is incredibly helpful. I see things that relate to my situation although I’d definitely like some advice.

Kyle and I have been together almost 4 years. He joined the Navy in May 2015 so we’ve been doing long distance for almost one year. When I asked him about our relationship, he had told me that he loves me, I’m his best friend, etc. however he does think it would be easier if he was single because he doesn’t know which way in life he’s going, long distance is difficult for him, and he cannot tell when we would be able to move our relationship forward (aka he’s not ready).

When he told me about all of these doubts, I initiated a “break”. 30 Days no texting, calling, etc. so we can each figure out what we want. On April 1st when we spoke, we had a 3 hour phone conversation and he ended up breaking up with me. He said that when we were apart from each other he would think about me 24/7 and he was stressed out all the time. He thinks its better for himself if he’s single so he doesn’t have that extra weight and stress on his shoulders. He said he can’t do long distance for another 4 years. He does say he regrets joining the Navy and if he wasn’t in it, things would be different between us. He also said he’s confused because when we are together in person, it’s fun and good but when we are apart it’s more difficult.

He told me he missed my voice during our “break”. He said that he was scared and that he has knots in his stomach but he’s listening to his brain and that his brain says it better to be single and focus on himself.

I truly thought this man was my guy. The guy.

I am willing to fight for him but when I asked him on the phone if he was 100% sure he wanted this, he said “You need to move on.” When I told him it was a yes/no question, he hesitated and replied “yes.”

I want him back. I’m willing to follow all instructions. However, how can I go about this? He is stateside and is in training in Florida right now. Should I start the NC rule and do a whole other month of no contact? How should I go about this?

Maria

April 11, 2016 at 6:56 am

Hi Jessica,

The advice I am going to give you comes from the heart! I know what you are going through. The best thing right now is to leave him alone, do not contact him, is going to take longer than a month! do not take it personal, it is not easy for him being in the NAVY, there’s a lot of BS these man have to put up with. Now, right now you need to focus on yourself, you need to do something for you! whether is a career, business, hobby anything that you are passionate about! keep yourself busy! DO NOT get yourself into another relationship or start posting pictures on social media with other guys, even guy friends or his friends, if you do, you will loose him FOREVER! TRUST ME! HE WILL HATE YOU! If he contacts you be yourself, be nice to him and keep the conversation positive, make him laugh DO NOT talk about problems, he’s the NAVY’S B@#$ right now, I apologize for my language but he’s going through enough stress. The fact that he told you he regretted it, tells me a lot! Also, when you talk to him, don’t start with HOW ARE YOU? most men hate that! because they are living under shi&^* conditions and rules, even though their social media says other wise, they have to sound like joining was the best thing they have done. Another thing that happens, is like any JOB he has to fit in with the rest of the men in his unit, these men will go out to whore houses or strip clubs and will drag him in, trust me he doesn’t want to be single-out, that’s the worst thing that could happen when you’re in the military. He probably feels guilty for doing that to you, I had a friend of mine confessed to me that he will go and pretend he will sleep with these whores but nothing will happened, he will just tell the woman he wanted to take a nap which, he really needed and not be bothered, the whore greatly appreciate this, since she could have a break. He had a girlfriend back in the states but felt distraught for even pretending however, he needed to fit in. After the no contact which, will take more than two months or more, if he doesn’t reach out which, I am sure he will after a month. keep your messages simple, positive, short and fun. If he asked how are you doing? you tell him fine, and what you are working on, whether is your career or a new hobby, keep it short and positive. If he tells you he misses you, you tell him you miss him too… and blame it on bad timing, DO NOT make the mistake most women do, by blaming him for the break up or making him feel bad about it. If you play your cards right, you will be back with him, listen to him, he will open up, even though he broke up with you, he still needs your support, he will open up, your job is to make him feel better! MEN DO NOT LIKE DRAMA! if you need to vent, you have your girlfriends but my best advice is not confine in anyone, seek the help of a counselor or therapist, if you confine in family they might get the wrong perception of him, and if you tell a girlfriend how you feel she might say something, word gets around…keep your problems to yourself, or speak to a counselor. If you are over weight, start working out. Men are visual creatures, he will start noticing and my get hooked based on the fact that you are changing and taking good care of yourself. THE WORST THING FOR A MILITARY MEN THAT HAS A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE IS FOR HER TO LET HERSELF GO or BECOME OVERWEIGHT! the military bullies will bother him, as my friend stated “As you hear it, you start believing it”. If you post things on social media, keep them positive, no slutty pictures, or pictures at a bar or club, do post pics with your family, volunteering, and your new hobby. Now here comes the hard part! if he asked you to be his girlfriend again, during his RR or when he sees you in person, a year later. YOU MUST SAY… you need to think things through because you have worked very hard on yourself to get over this break up, and you don’t want your heart being broken again, you still care for him but need to think things through. The care package advice from Chris is great! please don’t do those silly care packages boxes from Pinterest, they’re silly! your men is going to get heat for it, no teddy bears, naked pictures, videos or girly stuff, NO! write him a note, like Chris stated, a greeting card, sealed purchase from baked goods from a good bakery, cookies or brownies, manly dvd’s movies or movies he will enjoy, these are like Pokemon cards, they exchange them among themselves or whatever you think he will like and needs, no pop corn makers or big items. YOU MAY NOT WANNA HEAR THIS NOW…. but After you start working on yourself, new body, or career, two things might happen… 1. you will get back together or 2. you might realize a military man is not for you! you might meet someone new! his loss not yours.. or realized you might want to be alone for a while. A MILITARY marriage is a very lonely life, you need to be a very strong woman and understand that he might not be there with you when you are giving birth to his child, you might have to make decisions on your own, be there for him even though you need someone to be there for you! if he goes on tour to a war zone you might not hear from him for days! he might stop calling you because he doesn’t want to be reminded of home, some men are very sensitive… or his girlfriends problems, drama and WHY HAVEN”T YOU CALLED! ??? when he comes back, You will have to deal with his nightmares, the loss of his friends, whether is in combat or suicide after being discharged, living with guilt of being helpless while civilians were being assaulted by other civilians, forget fourth of July fireworks and going out, most men who have been in combat wanna do is stay home, there are going to be a lot of times he might not be there for you and most important your children! Is a hard life! forget the image Hollywood has painted, all the military benefits and perks, there not worth it. ON THE OTHER HAND, if you really love him, and will be up for the challenge, go for it! The most important thing you need to show this man is that you will be there for him through thick and thin, even if he loses a limb in combat or mind. This is the honest truth! I hope this helps! Good Luck!
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 5, 2016 at 7:37 am

Hi Jessica,

it’s really harder if he’s military.. are you open to the steps above? do you consider doing it even if it may take 4 years until he gets back?

alijane

March 20, 2016 at 3:40 am

Hi, I have a boyfriend that I am currently dating for 2 years. He has been deployed for a couple months and won’t be back until August. For a couple weeks he’s been giving hints that he’s changing from who he was before he left for deployment. He was a sweet and caring person before he left, but I gues shis work is stressing him out a lot and traveling is changing his ideals. Just today he told me that he doesn’t know how to feel anymore and thinks I should find someone who can be by my side and take care of me. Thankfully he isn’t looking for anyone else, he just thought he can let go of me to pursue his dream to explore the world. He is still deciding if he should still continue our relationship. I am willing to change for him now that I understand, I just don’t know what to do to convince him to stay and continue our relationship.

alijane

March 20, 2016 at 6:41 pm

I’m trying to tell him decide when he’s back from deployment, hoping that would make him realize he still wants to continue our relationship, especially since he’s in deployment mode at the moment. I still believe that we could really work things out but what should I do to really make it work out?
alijane

March 20, 2016 at 1:35 pm

stay in the relationship
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 21, 2016 at 5:01 am

okay. Since you haven’t officially broken up.. tell him that you understand now that he wants to travel and that you support it. That you realized your excited to be a part of this chapter in his life and you’re hoping you could stay together so, he can share his travel stories when he’s there and when he comes back
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 20, 2016 at 9:42 am

Hi Alijane,

by stay, do you mean stay in the relationship or stay as in not travel anymore?

April May

March 15, 2016 at 12:16 pm

Hey. My story is similar to Alice’s. Very similar in fact. Same kind of defence training but he doesn’t come back (if he does come back to near us) until August next year. I know he reads my messages on Facebook and I’m actually turning quite bitter inside. He reads them but doesn’t respond to them. He does work 9-5 then gymming like mad to help out down there but it’s just annoying. He doesn’t know exactly when he’s going down thanks to the Easter holidays and so I’m on constantly on edge about that. He knows that I suffer from depression and anxiety and that this is just the final kick while I’m down right before my final semester of university. Yet even though it’s just a rare ‘sorry *sad face*’ I went on something today and found out he’s been playing DOTA with his friends. I realise that he needs this ‘down time’ but I’m just struggling not to let the bitterness out that he can play those games but not even bother to say hi to someone who loves him. What can I do? I don’t want to lose him and want to start from the beginning again when he comes back.

Alice

March 16, 2016 at 9:10 am

Honestly, I don’t gaming is such big an issue. My guy games as well. He does need that downtime after doing full time work, packing, gymming, getting ready and all that. I’m getting bitter as well knowing that he isn’t talking to me and I may have said something bitter to him when I found out he was playing games. Least he knows that it was because I had a bad day at the doctors. But don’t panic. Just be thankful that he’s talking to someone. Just do what I’m going to do. Talk casually, hope he talks back, but when he leaves start the 1 month NC and really work on yourself. I know I will have to throw myself into my studies so I even have the chance of Masters. Just don’t panic and freak out. I sent him a bad message and (hopefully) saved myself. Don’t do that. Really. Don’t do that.
April May

March 15, 2016 at 11:37 pm

Distance, yes. Broken up, yes as well. I just want to establish from regular contact from him before he goes (the moment he leaves I’m starting No Contact) and yet when he can’t even bother to say “Sorry, I’m busy right now” but can play video games it’s bugging me. I realise he needs his down time with his friends before he goes but is it too hard to say “hi”?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 16, 2016 at 8:15 pm

This is hard to say, but what if it’s actually easier for him to just ignore you and have fun playing dota? what are you going to do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 3:40 pm

Hi April May,

When you say the same? You mean the distance only? You’re not broken up yet right?

Alice

February 24, 2016 at 10:42 pm

Hey Chris

My boyfriend and I have only been dating about 6 months. Bit short, yes, but at least it was something. He has been applying for the Australian Air Force for some time and only last week got accepted. I don’t know what it’s like in America but he will be training for over a year two states away with barely any contact to the outside world. But that was fine. I supported him before hand the moment he told me he wanted to be an Air Traffic Controller (although not via the military) and I’ll support him now. Unfortunately, he broke up with me the day I told him I loved him. Bad timing huh? And the fact that in these last few weeks he’s felt like he was the one leading the relationship and making all the plans when in fact I had been as well but he didn’t want to do them or it was just, again, bad timing. Neither of us want to attempt LDR, he’s been hurt by them in the past and I don’t want him to end up resenting me if he does want to go out and meet someone. This year is about discovering ourselves and learning who we are. The thing is I wanted to see him again when he gets stationed somewhere (hopefully Queensland since it’s where we both live and he has family here) and see if we can start again. He doesn’t want that pressure. I didn’t even ask for that commitment to start again, only to see. He thinks it’s unhealthy to think that way. I think that what is going through his head that with everything else going in my life with own depression and anxiety, I’m going to turn into a dog waiting for its master to come home. That is not the case. I want to finish my degree, get a job, lose some weight, get more involved with Scouting, etc. I am giving him a little “Open When” package (with a warning some were done pre and post break up) because I don’t want him to forget me. I’m going to wait after my breakup diet phase (that period where you feel like you can’t eat or sleep because you miss that human contact with someone) to contact him. Yet, is there anything I can do? I feel like he is worth it – especially since he was the first to see past my masks and make me feel like I mattered in this world. If he did get stationed back home I was willing to drive the hours to see him every weekend because I do care for him. He leaves in just under 4 weeks.

Maria

April 11, 2016 at 7:22 am

I hate to break to you but he’s probably not reading those “Open When” away…. especially if they’re depressing or will put him in a bad mood. My dear April, you need to focus on yourself, before you have a relationship with a man, you need to have a relationship with yourself. Read my post above. If he really is meant to be with you, he will be back, trust me they all come back, even if it takes five years… but it might be too late or perfect timing. As of now, you need to focus on yourself.
April May

March 22, 2016 at 1:38 am

Wait, so you are just going to give up on him? A lot of people going into the army feel as if it’s better to cut off all ties to people back home. It doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for them. You’re just going to give up on him?
Alice

March 20, 2016 at 2:12 am

I told him that pre and post message. Honestly one email is fine for me a week. I get less from my family and friends and everything is fine there. But yes, he knows that I do want to get back together again but he also knows that could change. It’s just annoying that it’s the person closest to me knowing that my best friends aren’t responding to me, others have said I’m not worth more than I air I breathe and me starting my final semester at uni he can’t just email me.

I know I should let go for now. I really do need to try this NC for at least 30 days while he’s gone. Maybe then he’ll be open to the short emails or something. Thanks. I’ll probably write again in a month or so after the NC time getting info on what to send.
Alice

March 18, 2016 at 11:13 am

Hey Amor

He did and we have kind of talked but today he sent me this message.

“I really appreciate you, and your efforts, but the reason why I’ve been so distant of late is because I don’t want to progress this relationship any further. When I leave; there will be very few ties to my old life, and I’m sorry to say, but that includes you. It would not be right to develop things before I leave, especially knowing that I won’t be around. With that said, I hope you will one day understand why I’ve done this, and I’m sorry for hurting you.”

I’m not asking to get back together now. I just want to remain friends and if he gets stationed close to home we could meet up for drinks and maybe start again from the beginning. I told him that flat out. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Am I doing the right thing by continuing to support him? I do love him and I do want him back. All I want is one email a week. Just one. Don’t I deserve just one email which would take 5 minutes out of his life? I don’t know. What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 19, 2016 at 2:33 pm

did you sau that before he sent that message or after? coz he can see that that one email is not going to be enough for you.. I mean he doesn’t want you holding on to anything to wait for him…and he can sense you’re doing to this not just because you want to be friends but also because you want him back…

I hate to say this but it’s better to move on..He clearly said he doesn’t want your relationship to progress.. if he gets stationed close to your home, and if he sees at that time that you’ve moved on then maybe he himself will reach out to be friends again
Alice

March 9, 2016 at 11:47 pm

Ok. I waited a week. Very casual just saying how I was at university because of careers day and if he wanted to meet up for a coffee or lunch it would be my treat. And even though I found out I didn’t get the job he recommended me for it was alright. We talked for a bit in his break and then I mentioned I had to go home and he should message/call me that night. 9.5 hours later I knew he was in bed and no message. I don’t know if he was honestly busy or forgot about it. OR that he purposely didn’t because he wants me to just forget about him. I just don’t know what to do now…
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 10, 2016 at 11:11 pm

if you talked a bit maybe he was just really tried that night.. it’s better to come from that perspective and act from that perspective
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 12:54 pm

Hi Alice,

if you had just recently talked, as in within this week, then give it a week of silence before trying to text again.. Don’t push to get back together but at least re establish texting before he leaves..

Ms. Replaced

December 3, 2015 at 1:33 pm

I was dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we’ve gone over the marriage and having kids story thousands of times (Even the day before we broke up). He’s in the military and is currently stationed a 10 hours drive from me but I made it work by visiting him every month, etc. Before the military, he had no income, no education, had diagnosed depression and anxiety, not much of anything. But I stood by him and supported him.

He told me that recently he began to have a lot of questions of what ifs and if the grass is greener on the other side. He met this girl a week ago on a video game and he’s absolutely infatuated with her. I let him go saying that If i really loved him, I would want him to be happy and not force him to be with me. I know that she’s his fantasy but with the distance (she’s a 17 hours drive from him), the deployments, his mental episodes, she wont stay. She’s a video gaming, HUGE boobed hoe (excuse the language) while I was the home girl who provided for him at his lowest, took care of him and was good.

Will he ever come back to me (or try to) and when. This is very not like him. He is usually a very sweet and considerate guy but he changed all of a sudden starting last week and even his parents are dumbfounded and disgusted (he told his parents he would ask me to marry him after his 1st deployment to happen in 6 months). even on the day we broke up he said he knew that he was going to regret it and that he knew he’d never find someone as loving and caring as i was. I want him back. Help

Chris Seiter

December 3, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Yes, I think he will come back to you but do you really want him back? You will most likely be resentful. That was a terrible thing to do to you! Plus who’s to say he wont do it again in the future.

Lola

November 23, 2015 at 2:04 am

Hi Chris,

Thank you for writing this. I was with my ex for 5 years, and he broke up with me right before he was supposed to leave for a 5 month stateside training. We’d planned on finally moving into together when he got back. We had a good relationship, but he was terrified of commitment. His cat came to live with me before he dumped me, and I kept the cat after we broke up because there was nowhere else for it to go. He sent me mixed signals and used his cat as an excuse to see me after he got back from training until finally I told him that the cat was mine, and I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. We’ve gone back and forth for 2 years since the breakup with me cutting him out of my life, and him sneaking back in. It’s emotionally draining because I’m still deeply in love with him, and want nothing more than to have him in my life, but he acts like I’m insane and manipulative when he comes back into my life and I reciprocate by contacting him or asking him to hang out. So in June, I finally said I’d had enough and I was done playing games. I cut off all contact permanently. Of course, he responded by suddenly having time to get the stuff I’d been asking for for 2 years from our cabin and trying to drop it off at my house. I didn’t respond, and I blocked his number in my phone. And that was that. I’m miserable, and I’m trying to move on.

Yesterday, he emailed me asking to see his cat. I’ve yet to think of a response that isn’t “You and I both lost someone we cared about in the breakup, yours just happened to be a cat. All I can tell you is the same heartless thing you told me: It’s been 2 years get over it.” 1) he acts like he misses the cat, and feels sorry for the cat’s loss more than he does me. Never mind, that my hopes and dreams for the future were crushed and I lost my best friend, the love of my life and my cabin, and that I’m reentering the dating game as a bitter, untrusting 31 year old. Worry about the cat’s well being. 2) I feel like he’s using this as an excuse to see me and check on me. Plus, I know he gets lonely during the holidays because he has nowhere to go, so it’s probably just a temporary nostalgia. But what will ultimately happen, is that I’ll think if I look gorgeous enough and am pleasant enough he’ll beg for me back, but he’ll get his fix and be on his way, and I’ll be a disappointed fool. So, I’m leaning towards saying no. Does that sound like the right thing to do?
Charlene from Texas

October 14, 2015 at 7:46 pm

Hi Chris!

Thank you for this article! My guy and I were seeing each other for about a year, we had been talking for about a year prior to that. He is in the Military and will be deploying in December. In late July he said he couldn’t commit because my indecisiveness had him scared. I think he was afraid history would repeat itself because his last girlfriend left him while he was deployed overseas previously. So he said we could be friends for now and a relationship would have to be tabled. Then he went away for military duties for a month. When he returned he said he connected with another soldier in his unit while away and they have now entered a relationship. It sounds serious as he is now saying they will be moving in together!

Obviously I am devastated. I broke all the rules and have been communicating with him. It’s all been friendly and he has asked some things that have made me believe feelings are still there. However, with this latest news I’ve decided to do NC and stick with it. Obviously, I’m worried that my chances are shot because deployment is soon and he will be deploying with his new girl for a year. I’m not sure what I can do besides offer my support while he’s away. This seems to be a combination of long distance, rebound situations?

Best regards! -Charlene

Maria

April 11, 2016 at 7:32 am

hahaha with another soldier! that will never work! trust me! he will be back but you deserve better. Apply the no contact rule for a while… trust me you will hear about his break up, that’s the worst mistake! he will regret it!
Charlene from Texas

October 16, 2015 at 5:35 am

I also love Texas very much!

I think a care package is a great idea and I’ve reached out to his friends to help and they’re also on board. The tricky part is, do you think red flags might go up? He’s deploying with his new girlfriend to the same location and I don’t want to get myself into a situation that would push him away. He’ll be with her for an entire year.
Chris Seiter

October 17, 2015 at 5:46 am

I guess that depends on what you do. In the article I recommend getting something for all the guys and not just him.
Chris Seiter

October 16, 2015 at 3:00 am

Texas!

I love texas!!!

What do you think of the care package idea?

Definitely confused!

October 14, 2015 at 4:59 pm

Hey Chris,

So i’ve been reading this and my situation is similar to this, but not exactly the same. My ex is going to the otherside of the world for work for 6 months, but he’s not in the military. He will still have access to a phone and internet and everything, so what should i do? I’ve kept up the no contact rule since we broke up a few days ago and he doesn’t go for another ten days. Should i see him before he goes to say goodbye or keep the NC rule? Should i just wait til he gets back?

Thank you for any insight!
Nicole

October 2, 2015 at 3:33 pm

Hey Chris,
Thank you for this great website, it really helps a lot of us through hard times!

Personally, I am not sure anymore if it is a good idea to date a guy in the army. It is one of the toughest experiences I went through so far. Being in the army is more than a job, it is a lifestyle that adds a lot of pressure and obstacles.

I was in a long distance relationship with a military guy for 3 years, but we had known each other for 5 years (I know.. long distance + army is a really bad idea for so long). We are both 30 years old now. I live in Europe and he lives in the United States. We met when he was still living in Europe. Through our relationship, the army kept deploying him every couple of months. And during these deployments it was sometimes very hard to communicate with each other. It also made it almost impossible for us to make any plans to live in in the same place. So I decided to leave my job here twice to be able to move there with him, but then he got last minute deployments again and our plans were cancelled. It felt like a never-ending bad story with no end in sight.

Our relationship became gradually very toxic. I never wanted or asked him to chose between the army or our relationship, that would have just been wrong. But I felt a lot of anger and frustrations, I was blaming him for our situation and for all the false hopes. And on his side, he was blaming me for being distant and often very angry. At some point, the positive feelings we had for each other were overshadowed by resentment.

Honestly, i feel he really is the most amazing and kind man I have ever met. The only thing I ever wanted was a real relationship with him, where we could finally share our lives together in the same place. He told me he wanted the same, but I felt words were not enough anymore, I wanted him to take actions to show me he was also committed to make our relationship work, like proposing to me for example. But he never did.

Last year I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him, then we got back together thinking this time it would be different, but things remained the same. Now he broke up with me in August, saying that maybe we don’t have the same goals in life, that our relationship was meant to fail anyway because of the circumstances, and that he feels that his feelings for me are disappearing. It hurts a lot, i am still dealing with a lot of regrets and “what-ifs”.. I know we miss each other, but maybe sometimes the best thing to do is to give up and to move on separately.

Nicole

October 2, 2015 at 4:35 pm

Yes I wish I could be together with him in a real, stable and committed relationship. Not in a long distance relationship with no goals or concrete plans. But I am also afraid it’s a lost cause because of his career in the army. At 30 years old, i’m really scared to waste more time on a hopeless situation.
Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:05 pm

Would you like to just move on?

Getting over an ex can sometimes take just as much effort as getting a man back.

Annie

September 23, 2015 at 11:15 pm

After NC, I sent him a text and he was very happy so he texted me all day long. I know I should cut it off but I didn’t. So, after two days, I sent him text again and conversation was good and filled with humour but I made mistake again, I didn’t follow your rule 1:1 and even though he was still joking and laughing, I think I bored him at the end so he went watching tv show and sleep. I just didn’t know when to end conversation, I was weak. Even though our conversation was fun, he ended both conversations first and I think he thinks we are just good friends. I think he missed me during NC but he doesn’t want me back as his girlfriend. He didn’t say anything about our relationship at all.
Also, our main topic are his pets because I am afraid of talking about us and flirt with him. He’s smart guy and I’m not sure that flirting with him wouldn’t convince him that I’m still trying to get him back.

How can I fix it? Should I wait for four or five days or even a week and then try to implement your advices? Our last and second conversation lasted about an hour which isn’t so good, is it?

And, at what point he should start texting me first? After how many my texts?

Chris Seiter

September 30, 2015 at 4:22 pm

You should check out the texting bible. That answers a lot of your questions.

Tina Tinkerbell

September 20, 2015 at 7:19 pm

Hi Chris. This article isn’t really relevant to my situation. Just want to congratulate you and your wife. Also, to say thank you for your great articles. It’s been 3 months since my ex and I started dating again after 6 months of no contact. I am still taking it slow and following your advice. You’ve helped me enormously. Thank you, Peter Pan!

Tina Tinkerbell

October 6, 2015 at 3:52 pm

LOL Thanks, I’ll take that award and hand you one for ‘Best Coach’. Will keep you posted. 😉
Chris Seiter

October 11, 2015 at 7:04 am

Sweet!

High Five!
Tina Tinkerbell

October 5, 2015 at 7:49 pm

Hi Chris,

Recently I put my foot down when he got disrespectful. I immediately got his little speech about not wanting a relationship. To this I calmly replied that it’s great and the feeling is mutual. I even assured him that he is most welcome to sleep with who ever he wants and that I am perfectly fine with it ( I’ve kept him at bay on this). Quite a change since then which included him taking me house hunting with him and, him informing me that he has zero sexual appetite these days. Yet he literally keeps chasing me around the kitchen table etc. every time we are together. I guess me giving him permission to do as he wants made him realize that I consider myself free to do the same. After all, we are not in a committed relationship. I’m prepared to keep at this game til stars burn out if I want to.
Chris Seiter

October 6, 2015 at 3:56 am

Haha…

And the genius award goes to.
Chris Seiter

September 30, 2015 at 4:20 pm

Hi Tina!

So glad to hear things are going well for you.

Anything new to report?

How is your life?

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