“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.”
– Eckhart Tolle
Clearly, you had imagined something different for yourself. Despite having only two potential outcomes, that you’d stay together or that you would go your separate ways, you were optimistic.
Good for you.
Imagining the possible end to a relationship is a morbid thing to do while you are still in the relationship. But now, your relationship has some to an end, and you find yourself trying to imagine a moment in time when your heart doesn’t hurt every time someone says your ex’s name.
If you haven’t gotten there yet, just go ahead and dare to imagine what it would be like.
Your friends have been careful not to bring him up. But someone slips and you find yourself face to face with a memory. They had run into him somewhere and he looked like he was doing well, was happy even.
For the past several months, thinking about the time the two of you spent together has brought you nothing but pain. For the first time though, you find yourself smiling. He had made you happy once.
And even though you have been throwing mental darts at his picture ever since the day the two of you split, somehow that urge has left you and you find yourself wishing him the best.
Now maybe you’ve gotten to that place already, where you’ve dared imagined a day without heartache. And, like I said, good for you. For some people it takes a lot of time and effort even to think about it. For some, the thought alone causes great heartache.
You see, after a split, the go to is, “I’m going to get him back!” which clearly we advocate greatly for. We only want to see you happy.
But a lot of people come to the conclusion that they are tired of the heartache and they’re ready to move past the hurt. We’re here for that too.
Imagining the end goal of finding that day when you can wish your ex well, without bursting into tears or feeling your heart rip in two for the thousandth time, has a caveat.
Have you ever gone on a diet only to find yourself giving up after giving into temptation?
I mean, I’ve definitely been there.
Going to the gym 4 times a week and getting a great workout in. Doing yoga at 5am the other three days of the week. Tennis lessons every Thursday after work.
I was feeling great. Giving away clothes that hadn’t fit since High School, not because they were too small, but because the pants would literally fall off me.
But I would find myself face to face with a bag of Oreos in my mom’s kitchen at 2am when my will power was nowhere to be found, or staring at a table full of Thanksgiving desserts and me without the decisiveness to choose just one.
I mean, who would blame me?
My mom makes some incredible cherry cream cheese pie, but I couldn’t skip out on the chance to tease my aunt about the time she brought an inedible pecan pie.
Inedible, because no one could cut it, let alone eat it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDon’t worry. She’s actually gotten better since the Pecan Pie debacle of ’08, although I secretly think she started buying them from the store after that small mishap.
Regardless after dousing myself in tons of delicious “off-limit” snacks I found it a bit harder to say no to other temptations.
I found it more difficult to get out of bed and put on my running shoes to go to the gym, even though I knew that that was where I needed to be if I was going to reach my goal of being the fittest version of myself.
This is what I call a derailment. My fitness train had jumped the tracks.
Do you know how much work it takes to get a train back on the tracks after it jumps them?
The difficulty of rerailment depends on several factors, what causes the train to jump a track, the damages the train suffered, and how far it wound up from the track.
I know in school it was considered bad form to quote Wikipedia, however since I am not a train expert, but this analogy is the one I chose to go with, I am going to do just that.
“Following a derailment, it is naturally necessary to replace the vehicle on the track.
If there is no significant track damage that may be all that is needed. However, when trains in normal running derail at speed, a considerable length of track may be damaged or destroyed; far worse secondary damage may be caused if a bridge is encountered.
With simple wagon derailments where the final position is close to the proper track location, it is usually possible to pull the derailed wheelsets back on to the track using rerailing ramps; these are metal blocks designed to fit over the rails and to provide a rising path back to the track. A locomotive is usually used to pull the wagon.
If the derailed vehicle is further from the track, or its configuration (such as a high center of gravity or a very short wheelbase) make the use of ramps impossible, jacks may be used. In its crudest form, the process involves lifting the vehicle frame and then allowing it to fall off the jack towards the track.
This may need to be repeated.
A more sophisticated process involves a controlled process using slewing jacks in addition. Photographs of early locomotives often indicate one or more jacks carried on the frame of the locomotive for the purpose, presumed to be a frequent occurrence.
When more complex rerailing work is needed, various combinations of cable and pulley systems may be used, or the use of one or more rail-borne cranes to lift a locomotive bodily.[10][11] In special cases road cranes are used, as these have greater lifting and reach capacity, if road access to the site is feasible.
In extreme circumstances, a derailed vehicle in an awkward location may be scrapped and cut up on site, or simply abandoned as non-salvageable.”
So, did my Thanksgiving Pie-tastrophy deem my fitness journey non-salvageable?
No! Absolutely not.
But I can attest to the fact that our brains are wired to give up at the first sign of failure, which is silly. Is it not?
You see? When we imagine a goal, being comfortable in my own skin and having a darn good reason to buy a new closetful of clothes, we rarely imagine the roadblocks that we might come up against along the way.
This is completely normal.
No one wants to think about negative things when they are imagining good things for themselves, it just seems counterproductive. Right?
However, being real with yourself when setting goals is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
It can save you a lot of time, and, yes, sometimes heartache, if you are willing to be honest with yourself and address the issues before you reach them.
I told a friend this last night and she said,
“Yeah, but you can’t possibly foresee every single speed bump you might come up against.”
But, if you were to prepare for 80% of the speed bumps that you might possibly encounter, wouldn’t that make it easier to deal with the other 20%?
You see, The American Psychological Association, published a paper on willpower. It was a collection of the results of various studies done over the years, by many experts in the field. The general idea being that willpower is an exhaustible resource.
“A growing body of research shows that resisting repeated temptations takes a mental toll. Some experts liken willpower to a muscle that can get fatigued from overuse.”
Every time you give in to temptation, you will find it more difficult to find the will to summon the will power to either fend off other temptations or do something that is difficult.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBut, if you prepare yourself for these tiny failures along the way ahead of time, you’ll find yourself facing molehills rather than mountains. I’m not sure if that saying is universal. Suffice it to say you’re failure won’t be so hard to get over.
We all know it’s easier to look at someone else’s situation that out own and make judgement calls. So you look at my situation. If I had been in the gym for months working on getting into shape and then threw all of my progress away because I had an extra slice of pie, you’d tell me I was over reacting.
Right?
The same thing happens when we are trying to get over a failed relationship.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
CHANGING COURSE or CHANGING PERSPECTIVE?
Since you have found your way here, I’m going to make the wild assumption that what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working. You can actually imagine a moment where you don’t cringe at the sound of his name or run to the other side of the street when you see him down the sidewalk. But you keep running into snags along the way.
I get it. It isn’t an easy path to take.
To be completely honest, I’m still working on getting to that point with my last ex. Although it’s a little hit-or-miss, because his name is a word used in everyday language, just casually.
So I hear it quite often. Sometimes, I can deal. Sometimes, I have to fight the urge to hole up in my room and be sad for a week or so.
How do I know I’m even on the right track?
Well, I can tell you this right now, if you are having trouble moving forward because you keep getting sucked back into being said, you are probably on the right path.
That seems a little backwards, I know.
I can’t remember who told me this, but let me see if I can repeat it correctly anyways.
“If I’ve learned anything from videogames, it is that when you meet enemies, it means you’re going in the right direction.”
The same principle applies here. If you aren’t having any trouble at all getting over your relationship, there are only three explanations.
You weren’t ever really invested in the relationship. Although, I find it difficult to believe that anyone enters into a relationship without being even minutely invested. That kind of heartlessness would not have landed you here on this page though.
You checked out of the relationship before it actually ended, meaning you had a bit longer to really settle into the idea of not being in it before you had to actually accept it.
You aren’t actually trying to get over the relationship.
More often than not I find that number three is where we land.
Why do you think that is?
It’s because when we have invested time, emotions, and effort into something, it’s not easy to let it go. Few people realize that you can get over a breakup and still have an inkling of hope that one day the two of you will come back together.
“What?! You’re telling me that getting over a relationship doesn’t mean I have to completely abandon hope that my ex will love me again one day?”
You’re darn right, that’s what I’m saying!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you truly want to move past the aftermath that is the heartbreak you are feeling right now, you have to let go of the idea that the only way you’ll ever be happy is to get your ex back. That is 100% not true.
It’s easy to get stuck in the mindset that the only way you’ll find happiness is to find love. I mean todays movies, books, and TV shows are completely and totally pushing that on us from every direction. From the moment we are born we are spoon fed “Happily ever after” stories where the guy always gets the girl or the girls dream comes true and her and her true love ride off into a sunset together.
Even Movies like P.S. I Love You (spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it) has a woman whose husband has just died not only being romanced by her dead husband, but finding a second love because of her dead husband’s strange little post-mortem romancing.
There are so many other ways to find happiness besides finding someone to share your life with.
It’s a matter of perspective. Don’t get me wrong, if you have lived with that mindset for a long time, changing perspective won’t be easy.
However, I’ve found that the only way to even see the other options available, you have to let go of the one you have latched onto.
Have you ever heard the story of the three stonecutters?
It goes like this.
One day a traveler, walking along a lane, came across 3 stonecutters working in a quarry. Each was busy cutting a block of stone.
Interested to find out what they were working on, he asked the first stonecutter what he was doing. “I am cutting a stone!”
Still no wiser the traveler turned to the second stonecutter and asked him what he was doing. “I am cutting this block of stone to make sure that it’s square, and its dimensions are uniform, so that it will fit exactly in its place in a wall.”
A bit closer to finding out what the stonecutters were working on but still unclear, the traveler turned to the third stonecutter.
He seemed to be the happiest of the three and when asked what he was doing replied: “I am building a cathedral.”
Now, how hard do you think it would be for the first stone cutter to change the way he saw what he was doing?
Do you think the third stonecutter could just tell him, “No, you’re building a cathedral”? What if he’d seen it only as cutting a stone for a long time? It would take more convincing the longer he had held that belief, right?
Let me tell you about a friend I’ve had since college.
We’ll call her D. We met when we were nineteen and have been fiends ever since. Over the years, I started to see our friendship as being a staple.
When I thought about the future I imagined her being a part of it.
However, our friendship has always been a bit one sided. She would call me at 2 o’clock in the morning and I would run over to her house to be her shoulder to cry on after her boyfriend treated her like crap and they had broken up… again.
This happened often. I couldn’t even call her to have lunch to celebrate something, let alone get her to answer the phone at 2 in the morning. It was an uneven friendship and borderline abusive. She would get mad at me and stop talking to me if I dated someone she didn’t approve of, which, let’s be honest here, was anyone I dated at all.
Anytime I asked her opinion on an outfit, it was “tacky. C’mon we’re adults. Adults don’t where things like that.”
Anytime I passed up an unhealthy meal choice she offered, I was being too much of a healthy nut.
Anytime I ate a cupcake or wedding cake. “You disgust me. I don’t know how you stay so skinny.” Then she would go on a tirade of how she wants to lose weight and how it’s totally unfair that I stay so tiny, even though she knows I’m at the gym every morning before work.
But I digress.
Which, I’m not sure if any of you know, but that is NOT a compliment. It’s called a neg, a device used by pickup artist to compliment a girl while also putting her in her place by reminding her of some flaw that she has.
It’s one of the rudest things anyone, let alone someone who is supposed to be your friend, can do. I don’t let men talk to me that way, I most certainly wasn’t going to let someone I called friend treat me this way.
But I did. I allowed this toxic friendship to go on for far too long.
The reason I held onto our friendship for so long was because her family and I had become close, and I could not imagine life without her or them in it, even if being her friend was one of the most taxing non-romantic relationships I’d ever been in.
Once I recognized how toxic our friendship was, I realized I had to change how I envisioned my future success and happiness. I had to stop trying to force her to be a part of my life, when she only wanted to be a part of it when it suited her.
If you and I were friends in real life, you’d tell me to cut her out. Right?
You wouldn’t tell me to keep assuming that she was going to be a part of that future success and happiness. Hell, from what I just told you, you’d probably assume that if I got there she’d probably just give me hell for trying to by successful and happy in the first place.
So now let’s look at the way you envision your future happiness.
Do you still want to hang your future success and happiness on the idea that your ex is going to come back?
Imagine you and your ex holding two ends of a limbo stick. And you hang all of your efforts put toward your future success and happiness on that stick assuming that he will be there to hold that idea you have of the future together.
If he isn’t there to hold his end up…..
here’s how that ends.
The only time you should allow someone to hold stock in your future is when they’ve proven that they value the outcome as much as you do.
Until then, the way you view the road to happiness needs a makeover.
There are literally infinite ways to find your way to success and happiness.
Now let’s knock out the ones that put someone else in charge of that journey.
This includes:
- Your ex being a part of your life.
- The love and support of friends and family.
- You children making you proud.
Yes, each of these can be a source of great happiness, but relying on these to be constant is like asking the tide not to ebb and flow. You can’t control how your ex feels about you. You can’t expect your family or friends to ALWAYS understand your goals or values.
And let’s face it, if you expect anything of children they are pretty much always going to try and do the exact opposite, except for Cathy Shipguard. She made us all look bad as kids. Brown-noser. Even her class notes were perfect.
Basically, as always, I’m telling you to rely on what you can control. Eventually, the people you let exit your life will wonder what happened, usually when they need or want something from you.
Do not put your life on hold waiting for other people to value you and the direction you want your life to go. This goes for your ex, this goes for any toxic relationships in your life, and it goes for anyone who holds the power to keep you from getting there. Needing you and needing something you have to offer on occasion are two entirely different things.
If wallowing in self-pity because your ex hasn’t come crawling back is holding you back, and believe me it will, then it’s time to cut that ideal loose. I assure you that wallowing in self-pity isn’t helping you get anywhere, if anything it splits your focus from doing anything else.
If you are trying to move forward while dragging an anchor, you won’t get very far.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
How to Deal
This entire article is written with the assumption that you’ve decided that you want to move forward with your life. You’re fed up with trying to get them back. You’re tired of feeling like crap. And you want to start aiming for something positive.
Refocus
Instead of focusing on the various pitfalls along the way that land you in a place where you are blaming yourself for everything, focus on how far you’ve come. Regardless of the time that has passed since your break up, I’m certain that at some point you said to yourself, “I don’t know what my life will be without him.”
The fact that you are even reading this article is a huge step. Envisioning a future where you only rely on yourself to be there and hold yourself up is a great first step.
Re-calibrating your focus to encompass the things you have control over and seeing the things that you don’t have control over as consequential is the main goal here.
If for you, your idea of future success and happiness was a house with a white picket fence and a wraparound porch, stop picturing you and your ex sitting on that porch every morning drinking coffee and doing the crossword. If that’s the only thing that makes it worthwhile, then maybe that wasn’t your dream in the first place.
If your dream for your future is reliant on your ex being there, then a little reassessment is needed.
In a relationship it is tempting and almost impossible not to imagine a life later on down the road that is shared between the two of you, even if the relationship is brand new, even if it isn’t all that serious. Believe me, I do it too.
It is easy to get caught in that fantasy of a perfect future that includes you and your ex. But let’s look at the probability of that future coming true, considering that your ex is currently not in your life in that aspect. Keeping this realistic outlook, answer me this. Who is 100% guaranteed to support you no matter what?
Are you tempted to say you mother? Your father? Your siblings?
If I were to answer this question, I’d probably be tempted to say my parents before anyone else. But realistically, if I were to start pushing toward my goals today, with nothing distracting me or standing in my way, the likeliness that my parents might pass away before I ever reach my goals. Not to mention, even if my parents believed in me and loved me regardless of what I do, I cannot rely on them to help me get there. Honestly, we see the world differently.
We have different beliefs and different ideals. I can’t expect them to stand beside me in everything, nor would I want to.
In a committed relationship, unless you literally discuss every goal you have, both individually and as a couple, the likeliness that they will be a part of your future is higher still. But even still, thngs happen, couples split up and even happy marriages end. So, the likelihood that they’ll be standing beside you all the way till the end isn’t exactly 100%.
The only person who you can without a doubt say will be next to you 100% along the way and till you reach your goals, whether your ways of getting there are strange or your goals are hard to understand, is you. Especially, when you aren’t seeing someone.
So if you were to take something positive away from this, I hope you take this. Now that your ex is out of your life, and you are considering moving forward to reach your goals without relying on whether they will be there or not, you are much more likely to reach your goals.
Now, like I said, this is in relying on someone else to help you reach your goals, and stand alongside you putting in effort along the way to help you get there.
It is still great to have people that stand in the sidelines and cheer you on. The difference if when you start relying on the to get you through, when their absence starts affecting your drive and focus. That is when It’s time to start questioning whether your goals are for you, or for someone else.
If-Then Countermeasures
When you find yourself spending an hour on social media stalking your ex and feeling crummy that he went to some concert, that you had planned to go to together, with someone new, you might unknowingly allow yourself to fall into that trap of feeling sorry for yourself. Then you might find yourself skipping classes, or foregoing going to the gym in lieu of eating an entire gallon of Chunky Monkey ice cream.
It’s easy for me to say don’t do that. It isn’t, however, easy for anyone too actually just… not… do that.
So how do you keep from giving into these things that send you down the rabbit hole, so to speak?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The best way to stay on track is to prepare for failures.
No, I didn’t say prepare to fail. I said prepare for failures. As you work towards a goal, several instances might arise that could knock you off track. I call theses micro-failures.
They come in all forms and differ from person to person. So, how are you supposed to prepared for them?
First of all, you can identify them simply by looking at your past. Since your breakup, what has left you feeling down or uninspired?
Looking at his Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram?
Taking the long route home so you can drive past his house?
What initially makes you choose to do these things, even though you know there is no possible positive outcome?
Start paying attention to what happens that causes you to do these things. For lack of a better word, I’ll call it a trigger.
Such as, when you drive home and you automatically feel the urge to get in the turn lane to drive down his road, don’t.
Take a notecard, and on one side keep a tally of how many times you give in. On the other side of the notecard keep a tally of the number of times that you don’t.
By making yourself aware of what sets these events in motion and taking control of them, you can avoid getting into these situations and press forward to achieving your goals without taking your eyes off the goal you’ve set for yourself and no one else.
What it all Boils Down to
In this life, it is wonderful to have people you can count on. Building a life on something that is unguaranteed is a crap shoot and makes it easy to be deterred from your goals.
Increase the likeliness that you reach your goals by focusing on building a future for yourself and assuming that, until there’s a ring on that finger and you have a perma-partner-in-crime, that anyone else can just join the quest or cheer for you from the sidelines.
If you’re in a funk now, I suggest you follow these guidelines and make a move toward chasing YOUR future success and happiness… for YOU.
Don’t let waiting for anyone else slow you down.
Go get it!!
I triple dog dare you!
Karen
September 19, 2017 at 7:22 pm
Ashley, you continue to amaze me with the amount of insight you have at such a young age. This was another extremely well-written and inspiring article, which has helped me to not feel quite so alone…. which I do, which I think is part of my sadness because I feel like I am the only one hurting like this. Reading these articles is so incredibly helpful to so many people out there who are hurting and feeling alone, if only to know that other people go through it, too. But, you also give really good advice and have different perspectives which make people realize also that they are not a failure and that it’s okay to slip up or still be sad, even after trying multiple times to “get it together already”… which trust me, I have, only to be triggered by something seemingly miniscule and suddenly feeling as though I’ve made no progress at all. Thank you for helping us realize we’re not alone, we’re not crazy, and we have a place to go for help and comfort. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and please thank Chris for creating this website which is helping so, so many souls to keep trying, keep going, and keep having hope. Your work is doing more good than you know. XOXO
Mango
December 12, 2016 at 6:04 am
My ex and i have been in a very complicated relationship. He broke up with me after two and half years of being together in 2014. We somehow remained friends since we were in the same club in college. Well being in close proximity led one thing to another. We were still hooking up despite the fact we weren’t together. I know friends with benefits. We parted ways a year after that when I ended up liking this guy. He didn’t like it very much because our friendship, or as he said before, my treatment towards him in our friendship was abruptly changed. He was still in fact ny best friend. We stopped all communication for 6 months. I knew he hated me and somehow i had a grudge towards him too. Before the year 2016 began, we both put an effort to be nice to one another. He even finished a handmade gift he was supposed to give me during the time we were still together. We became better friends and we were okay with the idea that we’d go for dates with other people. Well I’ve been in a couple, only to realize that the i was still in love with him. We started hooking up again and when I was ready, i told him I wanted him back. He said it’s not the time for that yet, which was okay for me since i didn’t want to be rushed. But after that, we focused on our friendship and i finally was able to say that i have my best friend back. But i confronted him after Halloween, and asked if he wanted to date ppl again. He said he didn’t know. Only to give me an answer a couple weeks later, saying he wants to date other ppl and that my decision to go away was best. Id prefer to go away since i don’t want to see him date other ppl when i know i really love him. What’s really sad and confusing is that, he doesn’t want to lose me, i was still his best friend and I know he loves me since he told me as well. But it hurts to know that he would rather explore his options and not give me a chance. I’m so confused, and I dont know what right and wrong anymore.
Mango
December 17, 2016 at 8:11 am
Thank you for replying. And I am, seeing that no contact would be my best option even tho he is still my best friend
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2016 at 2:17 pm
ok.. I know it’s hard but use it to heal and improve
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 14, 2016 at 4:32 pm
Hi Mango,
dont ever be friends with benefits again.. Are you going to do the no contact rule?
Beth
November 24, 2016 at 4:38 pm
I ran into my ex a few weeks ago at a concert. He was alone and I went with a guy. My ex spotted me and waved hi. To be polite I went over and he went straight for a hug. I introduced him to the guy I was with and he said to him “We use to date.” After that I said bye and walked away. We made eye contact during the show and he left early. I was really happy that night and decided to message him thanking him for introducing me to band we saw that night. He messaged me the next day and we caught for a 3 hours. Neither of us were replying instantly because we were at work. As the conversation was coming to an end he said he was happy for me and I mentioned how we should get sushi sometime to leave communication open. I was shocked when he immediately replied by with his schedule and we settled on a day for the following week.
We decided on a day but not a place or time. So, the day before I decided to message him if he still wanted to go since I was the one who suggested it. I didn’t want him to think I backed out. The next day we met for sushi. Dinner felt a cold and awkward since it was the first time hanging out in 7 months. In between that time we passed each other 3 times and probably messaged each other twice. The more we talked the more we got comfortable. Dinner was finished and he asked if I wanted to leave or if I wanted to go over to his place to talk more. I decided to go to his place. As I was walking to my car I asked him where he lived and he said I could ride with him and he could drive me back. So I rode with him.
He was excited to show me his new place and he was very excited to show me a stuffed animal he gave me but I returned back to him after the breakup. It was hanging out on his couch and he gave it to me to hug. I noticed that he had a lot of the stuff I gave him hanging around his new place. He even kept a little, dumb drawing of cat on a post-it on his computer.
We talked about and then watched some Simpsons. I made sure to sit at the opposite of the couch. He moved closer and put his arm around me. After some cuddling he started to kiss me and I stopped him. I asked him what he was doing and he said it’s hard to control himself around me. After almost 2 years of being broken up he’s still attracted to me. Not sure if he only meant physically. Anyway, I made it clear I wasn’t having sex with him or any guy until I’m dating them for a long time and he said he was doing the same. We made out for a long time and in between we just talked and laughed.
We both opened up about not caring to date and just focusing on ourselves. He mentioned how he’s not ready to date and deal with those emotions again which I feel the same way. We shared how both of us had gone several months dating or hooking up with people. We talked about our relationship, what we learned, and how young we were yet how perfect we worked with each other but timing sucked. Anyway, the night came to an end and he dropped me off at my car and he said he would message me in a few weeks to send me a photo of a plant I gave him that’s at his parent’s house.
I’m okay without him and I’m fine if he doesn’t message me, but do you think there’s still a chance? Honestly, I don’t want to date anyone until the end of summer because I’m going on long backpacking trip and I don’t have the time to date seriously. His birthday is coming up so should I suggest hanging out again when I message him?
Sorry, for the long message.
Beth
December 18, 2016 at 12:55 am
I’m back.
He did message me a picture of the cactus, but I didn’t entertain the convo. So, it was his bday a few days ago and I decided to message him. He replied and said we should hang out. I said yes and he asked if I was free then and it was almost 9pm. I said sorta and continued the convo. He then asked if i wanted to watch a movie that night and i said no but suggested next week. We made plans for Monday and he said his place. I agreed and I thought I’d bring up a public place before meeting on Monday.
Is he trying to hookup with me? I told him last time we hung out I wouldn’t have sex or do anything with him or any guy until I’m dating them and he knows I’m one to stick to my word. I also decided to creep on him and it seems like he may be talking/seeing a girl. Im confused. Why does he want to see me? Should I go? Does he still have feelings? Please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 21, 2016 at 6:26 am
let’s just say he’s being flirty only buy it would be better if you see him out.. dont put yourself in a situation where he can sleep with you
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 26, 2016 at 10:17 pm
Hi Beth,
yeah, it looks like this is your restart now.. just take it slow..
Kari
November 15, 2016 at 3:15 pm
Hi there,
My ex and I broke up a few months ago. We were in an LDR for only a few months but became very attached due to being friends for 12 years prior. After a period of no contact (it was about 20 days), I decided to employ the tactics using the texting Bible and exboyfriend recovery PRO.
After a few months I made huge progress in getting my ex back. He confessed that he had been irrational and that what we have is just too special to lose. He said a lot of beautiful things that I thought I’d never get to hear him say ever again. My heart was finally starting to lift up again. He also mentioned several times that he needs of fly down and see me. Still, I knew these are just words, for now.
I was careful to not come off as pushy or clingy so I didn’t pester him when his actions weren’t backing up his claims. Eventually I had to ask once or twice what he was feeling and he would once again get too comfortable and decide no urgent action to see me was needed. I contemplated waiting and being patient so I know getting your ex back takes time and I was so grateful for the progress we had made. Eventually I became fearful that he would go stagnant again because he once again found his comfort zone with me.
After a few months, I realized that though he likes me and cares for me, it perhaps isn’t enough to make an action out of it (even though he said he wanted to act on it).
I had to tell him gracefully that if the desire isn’t there on his part I need to kindly accept that he can’t give me what I want and therefore I should leave. He tried to talk me out of it here and there but ultimately agreed he can’t let me ruin my future due to his inability to commit right now.
I told him soon after that unless he’s ready to convert feelings into action, we should forgo communication. That way there was no guessing game as to why I won’t be messaging him anymore.
Unfortunately, he still messages me about once a week with the “I miss you” or “still thinking of you. Hope you’re doing very well”.
Deep down I would love for things to work out with him. I love him immensely. But I can’t keep hurting myself. I deserve more love than he is willing to give but when you’re in love you keep this (silent) hope that maybe they love you too, maybe they just suck at showing you and maybe you shouldn’t give up just yet (especially when you’ve made so much progress).
But I just don’t know if this is considered a game for him. A game for him to still keep me in his life, a game to have some form of control or effect on me, or if this is to make him feel less guilty by “checking up”.
Am I giving up too quickly? Or was trying once enough? I know how subjective these questions are but any advice would be great.
Thanks,
Kari
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 9:15 pm
Hi kari,
I dont think you’re giving up too quickly. I think you know you know your worth. Whatever his reasons are with his actions, you’re right that you have to do this because you cant keep hurting yourself
Cindy
November 6, 2016 at 9:03 am
I’ve been with my ex for nearly 8 years. I’ve cried and sort of begged him to not let go of this relationship however, all he has to say is that he aren’t attracted to me anymore, his heart is no longer with me and he just find it impossible to communicate with me. So what should I do? Are there still hope in this relationship?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 3:08 pm
Hi Cindy
when did you break up? Do you want to try the no contact rule?
Shattered.
November 5, 2016 at 4:34 am
Hi,
I wrote a post similar today but I don’t think it went through. Last night my boyfriend broke up with me. We have been together 10 months. He is Muslim and I am not. Hes been here 4 years and waiting on a permanent residency. At first he said he didn’t wanna go back to his country and his life is here. Now however he is saying he might want to go back in the future and doesn’t want to hurt me. Saying we are too different as well.
We both cried heaps last night, and he told me he hasn’t cried for a girl before, not even his ex of 5 years. He cares a lot about me, but admitted his vision of the future and how it will turn out has prevented him from falling in love with me. This shattered my heart, and I know I should’ve given up then but I am too deep in love to let it go.
After both of us being too reluctant to let go, we agreed to try and work things out so we can be together. I even offered to convert, but I want a less drastic compromise. Even though he is not overly religious it is a part of his culture. I want us to be happy like we were and him to be more willing to not see things so black and white. I feel like if he were to fall in love his perspective wouldn’t be exactly like this now. What do I do? Is there an article about mixed religious relationships on here?
Shattered
November 6, 2016 at 7:15 pm
Yeah, that’s what I mean. I don’t want to change my religion, move countries and everything. Right now he’s talking about moving back after 3 or 4 years. A lot can change in those years. And the fact he’s not yet in love does that mean we are doomed?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 4:47 pm
frankly, if the religion or getting back to his country is what he really wants but you dont like it then it looks like you have to move on..
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2016 at 4:49 pm
Hi,
Just to make it clear first..What did you mean that you dont want to compromise yourself? You dont want to change religion anymore?
check this one:
How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back With Religious Differences
Therese Lopez
November 2, 2016 at 1:28 pm
Hi Amor,
I’ve been reading exboyfriendrecovery since Day 1 of my journey of getting my ex back. I already surpassed the 45 days no contact rule and finally started to talk to my ex again for a very long time. I was quite hesitant at first to make the first move because I’m afraid of getting hurt again (The 45 day NCR has help me a lot and I can totally say I’ve moved on and I’m at a happy place now) but then I took the risk, I initiate the first contact message and everything turned out well (The Memory Text, Meme messages and Knock-knock jokes helps a lot as he is positively responding to everything we talked about). On the span of almost a week of talking to him, I learned that he’s currently waiting for the result of him getting employed in a big company, He also told me that all this time he was just staying at home in great focus on enhancing his skills and gaining more knowledge for work opportunities (so basically what he was trying to tell me is that he doesn’t have the time of dating any girls as of the moment). He also asked me what I’m doing aside from work, I told him I’ve done a lot of activities such as going to the gym, joining a Christian group for singles, meeting a lot of new friends, and I’m also currently waiting my visa approved to work in UK. I am reading Chris’ article about texting an ex boyfriend new rules, I followed the step by step guidelines on how to contact my ex, I’m currently on my 6th day right now when he suddenly stopped texting me. We’re in no contact for 4 days already (But I know he’s been active on messenger and he’s online on Skype). I know I can’t move forward on the 7th day if my ex wont contact me back and I am currently having doubts of initiating the first contact message again since I feel that I’ve already done a lot with making the first move (I mean girls should be persuaded first somehow) now I’m disappointed because things didn’t turned out as planned. Literally speaking I just don’t know what happen I thought everything was fine (He even sent me a lot of messages on the 5th day were talking but I wasn’t able to make a reply on that day because I was busy with work), I know getting an ex back requires a lot of patience and sometimes I can’t help but question myself is everything worth it? I’m in a complete state right now where I’m having thoughts of giving up let god and let go. Please help me Amor
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 3, 2016 at 4:12 pm
Hi therese
give it two weeks, if you still feel that way, move on..
Jen
November 1, 2016 at 11:19 pm
My long-term boyfriend broke up with me a couple of months ago because he didn’t love me anymore. I tried to follow the advice on your website, did NC (although I admit, I only did 22/23 days – the first of many, many stupid mistakes I made), tried to reinvent myself, got to a place where I honestly was feeling good and then I contacted him. Things seemed like they were going really well, he was asking me out, talking about old times, touching me, flirting with me etc. He initiated everything, every step of the way. But long story short, it didn’t work. He told me that he missed me, and that part of him will always love me, but he hadn’t changed his mind. Somehow, this rejection feels a million times worse. When we first broke up, I was able to get up, get out, have a life, but this time has absolutely ruined me. I can’t focus on anything else, and I know it’s my fault because I didn’t follow your advice properly. After he told me he hadn’t changed his mind, there was one phone call where I didn’t beg, but I did definitely make my desire to get back together extremely clear, which I feel like is almost as bad. Since then, I’ve deleted his number and unfollowed him on everything so I can’t break NC this time until I know when I should. It’s been just over a week now. My question is, is there any way that I can salvage this now, having made so many mistakes? Even if it means not talking to him for 45 days, I feel like I will do anything at this point. Is it possible to get him back or should I be trying to move on instead? And if it is possible (or even if it isn’t and I need to move on), how do I get past this stage of complete defeat and devastation? I don’t want to be miserable. I want my life back, but I physically cannot focus on anything but this.
Jen
November 3, 2016 at 11:22 am
OK, I can do that. Do I still have a chance?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 5, 2016 at 2:24 pm
there is butnit’s small..
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 2, 2016 at 11:34 pm
Hi jen,
first, change your mindset.. It’s not a failure. The relationship didnt work but it doesnt mean it’s all your fault..it’s two way.. It’s better if you would move on because since it’s so clear to him that after you ignkred him, you still want him back then he would probably think you’re doing thr same thing after just 45 days of being silent..because for somebody to move ok that quick, it’s either they have started to move on a long time ago, or they found someone and fell for him/her..
so, that means, for me, the realistic way os to be distant for a while..like 3 or 6 months
Apricot
October 31, 2016 at 5:53 am
Hi Amor!
I changed continents following my boyfriend, only to be dumped 3 weeks before arriving, I was completely blindsided because we never had an argument, I was always caring, patient and agreeable (which I believe was a problem, I was too available and good on paper, never played games, pushed and pulled etc) so he left me because he wasn’t feeling the magic.
After that I went NC for 21 days (I was aiming for 30 but I got robbed $300 as soon as I arrived to my new city and I had no one else to reach out to) during which time I worked on myself, traveled, met people, lost weight and researched topics I know he wished we could discuss during our relationship. So we started talking again, I followed the tidal wave theory, and after a while he asked me out.
Since I initiated contact 3 weeks ago we’ve met 4 times both on our own and with his friends (Who loved me and told him he should be with me) and I tried to show him my new self, seem more unavailable (Although its hard because he knows I’m new to the city) and talk about new male friends. But when we are together everything is the same between us, minus the physical contact, the flirting and the words of affection. We joke we have fun together, we have our chemistry I even spent the night as his place twice and we slept in our underwear and nothing happened!
I dont know if I’m in the right track or I have fallen into the friend zone. He just told me “I wanted to tell you that even though i don’t see my future with you i have a tremendous amount of love for you”. I read your “How to get out of the FZ” article but I dont know how to apply it to my case, I dont think doing NC again is a good idea because I only just got out of it and he’s the only person I know here. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 31, 2016 at 11:50 pm
Hi Apricot,
yeah, but you have to start having your own life.. start making your new friends. If you’re friendzoned, staying friends and making him you’re only friend doesn’t help.
fruit
October 26, 2016 at 4:45 am
So for the past year since we’ve been broken up, I’ve did NC like 5 times. Each time, I’d contact him. He contacted me only once. After like a month of talking, we would always fight and he would say hurtful things then stop talking again. This time, we were talking for a month. It was different. He was nicer. It was like we were dating except not dating. We had sex, we went on dates and when I got angry he would actually try to compromise when we don’t see things the same way. The way he treated me, the way he looked at me, the way he embraced me. He even, for the first time, asked me out. I was sure he loved me. Until I asked playfully and he said he didn’t love me & he doesn’t want me/ want to be with me. I don’t see how he can say this yet his actions will be completely different? Of course, I got upset and we started fighting. He said terrible things and I became emotional and needy. Now, he doesn’t want to talk to me (again). He’s calmed down now but he still says that he wants to stop talking. What do I do? I already told him that that wasn’t what I wanted. I reminded him how he promised me that we wouldn’t do this this time. He left me on seen. I tried not to send anymore messages before he blocks me (he usually does this). How do I convince him to keep talking? How do I get him to be in relationship with me?
fruit
November 8, 2016 at 4:38 am
Hi hi! Firstly I’d like to say thank you for always answering my messages. I’ve come back for more advice. So now, me & my ex are back to talking normally. After our fight, I found out that he has gf. I don’t think he likes her very much because for one, he kept her hidden from me. Whenever they went out he told me that he went with “friends”. Also, the way he talks about her isn’t how someone in love would. Not to mention, he has cheated on her with me both emotionally and physically. We have met, cuddled and had sex. We even planned a date for the weekend. At the beginning, when I found out, it was because I was suspicious. He spent a lot of time out (which is uncharacteristic of him) and he didn’t give me much attention. It’s like during that period he “liked” his gf and he was fascinated with the relationship. I even asked him to meet many times then and he declined. Then, he started giving me more attention and meeting me. Now we’re back to talking almost 24/7. But the thing is, we brought it up briefly but he still says he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t act like it at all. His actions are completely different from his words. He even let it slip and called me “baby”. I’m not sure what to do. Maybe he has the grass is greener syndrome? Idk but I think with things like this, I’ll always be the 2nd woman. If he wants to be with me, why doesn’t he just dump this gf he clearly has no respect for and be with me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 10, 2016 at 8:56 pm
even if he’s being sweet with you, the fact that he’s not dumping her means he’s treating you as his girl on the side.. does he know that you know that he has gf?
fruit
October 28, 2016 at 3:43 pm
It’s usually for about a month but the last time was 3 months. So we’ve started talking again, well not really. But I left him alone for 2 days then sent a message about how I missed playing games with him & cuddling, he just replied with “Lol”. The next day, today, I told him to have a good day & he said it back to me too. I’m planning on asking him tomorrow to go on a date. He planned this date for today, last week. I will not have sex with him anymore and I plan on this being the last time we meet (unless he asks) but do you think this is a good idea? I know the chances are low of us getting back together especially as right now I’m nto the “ungettable girl” and honestly, I think he’s just replying me because it’s an ego boost. What should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 29, 2016 at 2:47 am
oh, you’ve had a three month nc already, then it’s really not looking good. If you don’t have rapport built, meeting up is not the right next step. You have to build more rapport first through text and then calls.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 27, 2016 at 7:41 pm
Hi fruit,
Whenever you do the no contact rule, is it a full 30 days always? To be honest, the more you do the no contact rule, the less chances you have.. If you’re on and off, there’s a high chance that he will be back again but that doesn’t mean he will commit. Don’t ever sleep with him again, if you’re not really in a committed relationship because you would end up being friends with benefits.. To be honest, it’s not looking good, you might even have to do a 60 day nc as a last resort.
Jen
October 25, 2016 at 11:11 am
Ashley,
I’ve been trying to move on from my ex, I’ve bought the book, gone through the steps, and it always end with my ex not fully committing. So I’ve really tried to focus on moving on. But, I recently agreed to casual lunch dare and then we went on more romantic date. However, when he picked me up, earrings were in his vehicle from another girl he’s also going on dates with. I dated him for 5 years, lived together for 2, so I told him there is no way I can date him when he’s dating other women. He said he sees a future with me, but also won’t commit to just me. If I truly don’t want to move on, even though I’m trying, is it better to date him while he’s dating other women as well or refuse like I have been since I realized he was. I told him I can’t date him while he’s dating other women because I have too many feelings for him. Thoughts….I appreciate your opinion. Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Ashley
November 7, 2016 at 2:20 am
Jen,
I couldn’t agree more with what Amor said. I will add, that a lot of times, after a breakup, the person who initiated the breakup will have doubts about the decision. It’s the same with any big decision. I’m assuming that if you went through the steps you probably started trying to working on becoming “Ungettable” and the best version of yourself. The fact is he probably saw that change and wondered if he hadn’t made a mistake. However, his moment of single life gave him a taste of freedom, so-to-speak. I mean you said you were together for 5 years.
My suggestion goes hand in hand with what Amor said. Draw your line and stick to it. Have you ever heard the saying “If it’s worth getting, it won’t come easily?”
Well, that’s you. You are worth it. Don’t let anyone treat you like you aren’t.
Throughout life people will treat you the way that you allow them to. If you allow him to treat you like you are a second choice, then he’ll never see you as the only one.
If he won’t see only you and set other girls aside, then there is someone else out there who will.
Chin up, be proud of who you are, and accept nothing less than what you want. You’ve got this!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 6:32 pm
Hi Jen,
I hope you don’t mind my take..
For me it really comes down on your standards. The person who is more sure of himself/herself, will convince the person who isn’t. In your case, he’s trying to see if you would agree to that set up because for him, he just really wants to date other women, whether you like it or not.. And he sees how much you like him.
If you really don’t want to be treated that way, say no and walk away. The right people will change if they’re not in your standards to stay in your life..
Shawny
October 25, 2016 at 2:08 am
I have been with my ex 4 years A year ago I was working and couldn’t answer my phone I accidentally butted dialed him and he accussed me a cheating he was so upset he drank so much and ended up in the hospital for a week.Which I stayed with him the whole time.We had some great times since then A few weeks after his hospital stay he even posted he was in a relationship with me
Since then we have great close times together then S I go back to work he fights with me
He took his kids away with our asking me if I wanted to go or that he was even going .Then he blocked me
I did the 30,day nc and he didn’t reply to my text I waited another 10 days nothing so I went over his apartment he refuses to talk to me Help do I still havew a chance
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 1:44 pm
HI Shawny,
Sorry, I have to make some things clear.. When did you actually break up? And he broke up with you because you didn’t answer his call and then you butt dialed him after, then he thought you were cheating after that?