Today, I’ll answer the six biggest questions people have if you are dealing with a guy who knows you like him but won’t do anything about it.

There’s no commitment.

There’s no forward progress.

Nothing.

Here are the six burning questions you need to be asking yourself:

1. Why won’t he make a move if he knows I like him?
2. Is he just not interested in me, or is there another reason he won’t pursue a relationship?
3. Am I coming on too strong or giving off mixed signals?
4. Should I make the first move or wait for him to initiate?
5. How can I tell if he’s just not interested or if he’s just shy or unsure?
6. How long should I wait for him to make a move before moving on?

Alright, let’s dive into these one by one.

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#1: Why won’t he make a move if he knows I like him?

Well, there are several answers to this, but like most things on this website, we are going to rely on the psychological data,

I asked Chris Seiter, the founder of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, what could be happening here (It’s best to go to the master coach involved when you aren’t 100% sure about something). He pointed me toward this concept known as the Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn response.

A credible study by Webmd.com states that,

“Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are a broader collection of natural bodily reactions to stressful, frightening, or dangerous events. This sympathetic nervous system response dates back to our ancestors coming face-to-face with dangerous animals.”

To simplify that a bit,

• Fight: When this response is triggered, he may not make a move due to fear of rejection, so he lashes out at you, making the way he is feeling YOUR fault.
• Flight: In this case, he might be trying to avoid any awkwardness if he makes the wrong choice, so he decides to avoid the problem altogether.
• Freeze: This response happens when your body doesn’t think you can fight or fight. Or, in this case, it may be because he is unsure of your feelings or his feelings. He doesn’t ghost you but instead puts you in limbo.
• Fawn: This could relate to him “playing it cool” and not taking action even if he knows you like him.

Most likely, his stress response got triggered, causing him to cope by engaging in one of these four behaviors.

So, it comes back to that age-old cliche of,

“It’s not you; it’s me…”

Except in this case, it really is not you; it’s him.

#2: Is he just not interested in me, or is there another reason he won’t pursue a relationship?

Ah, we hear this a lot:

“Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?”

It’s a confusing yet, common situation; many women overthink it and blame themselves for not being attractive or good enough.

I totally get it.

The most likely potential explanation for why he could be trigger-shy in this case is that he has an avoidant attachment style.

We’ve talked a lot about this on the website before,

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You see, the interesting thing about people with an avoidant attachment style is that they had to learn early on to suppress their feelings and needs to survive.

That’s why they can easily detach from relationships.

In a podcast episode recorded by Chris last year, he explains this concept beautifully,

“They (the avoidant) intend to create a scenario to hold off commitment because commitment threatens independence.”

Here’s the full listen in case you are interested: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-love-feels-like-for-the-avoidant-attachment-style/

But what is particularly relevant in this case is the “threatening of independence.”

That is the heart of an avoidant’s core wound. Any time in a relationship where they feel like their independence is threatened is usually going to be quickly followed by them getting “triggered” and, well, avoiding.

#3: Am I coming on too strong or giving off mixed signals?

I asked Chris about this, and here’s what he had to say,

The general rule of thumb that I abide by, or instead teach my clients, is in line with the mirroring concept. You’ll often hear me say, “When they pull back, you pull back.”

Maybe you’re pushing too much, and he wants to step back, which in turn causes you to push even more.

The more this cycle continues, the worse things get.

This is why we frequently suggest the “when they pull back, you pull back” method to our clients at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, especially when you start to feel like he’s not returning your feelings.

As for mixed signals, you may be sending them.

It could be that he is unsure how to proceed, and you need to make it easier for him.

The best thing to do is give the same amount of effort as he is giving. If he’s pulling back, follow suit and take a step back.

You see what I did there?

The “when they pull back, you pull back” approach also applies here.

Doing this will show him you’re not overbearing, and he’ll likely return to you.

Alright, let’s move on to the more fun stuff.

#4: Should I make the first move or wait for him to initiate?

I think you should make the first move.

In fact, In 2017, Match.com published a survey that asked over 5000 single men how they would feel about a woman reaching out to them first.

91% of men said THEY’D LOVE IT.

Chris Seiter is famous for his approach to having women reach out first instead of adhering to societal expectations that they don’t.

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Through studying breakups and interpersonal relationships, he’s found that reaching out first doesn’t really matter as much as the following criteria:

1. Who ends the conversation (Ideally, you want to end the conversation at a high point.)
2. How high quality the conversation was.

Take a look at this graphic,

This is perhaps a perfect example of what the average communication interaction should look like.

The conversation should end at the high point, obviously, but it’s also important that it BUILDS towards the high point as well.

#5: How can I tell if he’s just not interested or if he’s just shy or unsure?

This is a complicated question with a frustrating answer.

But the answer lies from our old friend, Carl Jung:

“If you can’t figure out what someone is doing or why, look at the outcome and infer the motivation.”

Simply put, look at someone’s actions, and if they align with their words, they are likely being authentic with what they tell you. If they don’t align with their words, they are probably inauthentic.

“Pay attention to everything, and the truth will reveal itself.”

If he’s not initiating conversations, he always makes excuses when you invite him out or never talks about his feelings. Well, then, you can understand a lot about his motivations.

Talk is cheap.

Actions are everything.

#6: How long should I wait for him to make a move before moving on?

A strong argument can be made that you should already be exploring options with others.

After all, we do find that “moving on from an ex” is a key component to getting that ex back.

But I’d like to take a different approach. I want to point you to Chris’ commitment to research, where he identified six “factors” essential to get a commitment from someone.

These 6 factors are:

1. Satisfaction: In this context, it refers to how satisfied your guy is with your interactions. So, if every time you are together, and he has the time of his life, his satisfaction is bound to be high.
2. Scarcity: Often mistaken for not being too available. While availability is essential, scarcity pertains to how your guy sees you. He needs to believe that no one else is out there like you.
3. Fear of Loss: Important because if your guy values your interactions, he won’t want to let that or you go. However, even if he values you, if he feels you will wait around for him no matter what he does, there is no Fear of Loss.
4. Urgency: A concept taken from marketing. Think about the last time you had to buy something RIGHT NOW. Urgency in dating is the same thing. It is the feeling that if you don’t ACT NOW, the moment or opportunity might pass you by.
5. Investment: Anything he puts into the interactions; money, time, emotion, and energy. There have been studies that prove that even people unsatisfied with the relationship they are in will stay if they feel like they have some stake in it.
6. Alternatives: How he sees you compared to other women. Now, I’m not saying you should start comparing yourself to other women. But, in his eyes, you should appear to be the only option he sees.

If you want a more complete explanation of the six factors, you can head over to this link: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-do-i-get-him-to-commit/

Ideally, you want to identify which factors you are doing well with and which need to be improved.

Those ones you deem as needing improvement are where you want to spend your time.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer here; it depends on the situation and the individual person.

When in doubt, trust your gut, as it usually knows best. If you feel like he’s not interested or has been waiting for too long, it’s time to move on and find someone ready to commit.

Ironically, we’ve found that when our client does that, that’s the moment the guy takes action.

Conclusion:

It is difficult to tell what someone else is thinking and feeling. And we can’t deny that when we’re in a situation where we are highly infatuated with someone, we often read too much into what they’re doing and not enough into our own feelings.

It’s not wrong to ask these questions:

1. Why won’t he make a move if he knows I like him?
2. Is he just not interested in me, or is there another reason he won’t pursue a relationship?
3. Am I coming on too strong or giving off mixed signals?
4. Should I make the first move or wait for him to initiate?
5. How can I tell if he’s just not interested or if he’s just shy or unsure?
6. How long should I wait for him to make a move before moving on?

Especially if you feel you need to get a different level of commitment than you want.

Always choose yourself and follow the tips you think will benefit you the most. Consider what you need and want in a relationship, and make sure your partner is willing to give it to you.