It never ceases to amaze me the things men say during a breakup.
Some of them have no problem telling you off with comments like,
I never loved you anyways…
But perhaps the more interesting case is when you have a man who gives you a contradicting statement.
That’s the case with Brittney in today’s episode. You see, her ex boyfriend had the audacity to tell her,
“I love you and I think you are “the one” but I kind of want to go out and explore.”
Last time I checked if you loved someone and thought she was the one you wouldn’t need to go and try other girls out.
Anyways, Brittney is kind of left in limbo land and has no idea what the heck to make of her situation.
That’s where I come in.
Enjoy!
What I Talk About In This Episode
- What her ex boyfriend really means with his wording
- Why Brittney’s boyfriend probably broke up with her
- How she should approach her situation going forward
- The idea of adventure and stability
- The rollercoaster effect
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
I also wanted to take a minute to let you know that my team will help you in the comments section of this website. So, if you have a question about this episode or about your situation don’t be afraid to leave a comment below.
We will get around to answering you.
I promise!
Lily
April 3, 2022 at 9:32 am
We dated for a few months. We were so in love, planning to move in together and meet each other families. I went to France for a week, when I came back he told me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. But 3 days later he told me he realised he never processed his last breakup properly and needed to be single for a good while. Two days later he told me he loved me but that, for now, being together was good for neither of us. I went NC immediately, he never tried to reach. It’s been 3 weeks. He watches all of my Instagram stories though. But hid his stories from me… I love him so much and it hurts. I’m not planning to reach out until his birthday on April 24 though… but I’ll just keep it simple.
Jenn
November 12, 2020 at 6:12 pm
We dated for 7 months. We never argued and had great fun together. Adored each other
The 2 weeks prior to break up he was getting a bit crass. Went out drinking and partying all the time ( he is 42 and unemployed)
After endless he loved me , can’t live wo me / he loves me so so much .. 3 days later he said he needed a break .. my ability to not to orgasm during intercourse upset him too much and we lived too far …. and that was the sudden end … I’m doing no contact now for almost 3 weeks . Do I just move on?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 12, 2020 at 8:12 pm
Hi Jenn, it has to be your choice to move on or not sorry. I cannot tell you what to do
irma
October 5, 2020 at 12:30 am
Hi, I really need your help. My ex and I were dating for a year and everything was so romantic. we’re both in our 30s but none of us experienced such love and passion before. we had our ups and downs, but the pandemic ruined everything. he is a doctor and was under a lot of pressure, and I was struggling with anxiety. one day we had a fight and he said he can’t give me what I deserve and can’t make me happy. we broke up and it’s been about 2.5 months since. we’ve been in contact more or less (texted few times a week and met 6 or 7 times), we’re still so much in-love, we care about each other so much, and when we’re together we can’t take our hands off each other. I tried to convince him to get back together or go to couple therapy but it didn’t work. he is hurting me and himself and I can’t understand why. none of us had any relation with anyone else, maybe just some meaningless flirting. I want him back, and I want to work things out. what should I do to make him think this is his own idea?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 22, 2020 at 8:45 pm
Hi Irma, to make it seem that it was his idea you need to follow the program, progressing to each step almost naturally as possible. When you get to the meeting stage you need to increase the romantic feeling between you with flirting and setting. Just remember you do not give him any boyfriend privileges until he is back in a relationship with you
Kate
August 2, 2020 at 11:55 am
We’ve been dating for 1 year and 8 months and things were going well. COVID definitely made our relationship more tense but we planned a weekend away. When we arrived, I noticed he didnt pack anything except some essentials so I asked him why and he cried, telling me he loved me and wanted me but says he cant give himself to me as he doesnt see his future. He said that he thinks the relationship has run its course when I asked him if he just needed a break. I obviously begged him to stay and he showed a lot of emotion, told me I’ll always be a part of him, tried holding me and kissing me but I couldnt do that so he left me on my own. Naturally devastated, I drove home to my family. We messaged that night to make things civil and he told me that one we’ve matured and gotten older (I’m 19, hes 23) we can “rekindle a relationship at the very least”. He’s kept all our pictures but I am unsure what to do with mine. I dont know whether to believe what he says, that over time we could find love again, or whether he’s saying this to be kind. I dont want to wait on false hope but I naturally do love him. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 22, 2020 at 4:54 pm
Hey Kate, you need to follow a No Contact rule at the least so that he can see you have accepted that he wanted the break up and you are doing you for now! Read some articles about how to follow a No Contact where you work on yourself. Read about being Ungettable and how to use social media to show your ex that you are moving on. It does not sound as if too much damage has been done and you could get your ex back, but you need to follow the program correctly to do so
Emma
July 4, 2020 at 3:15 pm
My boyfriend Of 1 1/2 years broke up with me a week ago. He says it is because he is tired of doing the same thing everyday. He says that he see a future with me but we need some time. He also said he wasn’t going to talk to other girls. I’m so scared I’m going to lose him forever. I complimented him today and he asked me not to because it’s awkward. I’m just scared that if I do no contact he’ll move on and find someone better. 🙁
Leslie
April 14, 2020 at 5:02 pm
Hi, my name is Leslie. After dating for 4 months feeling great, my boyfriend ask me to marry him and I said yes. He moved to this nice apartment, new furniture, other environment, he even gave me a key and ask me to move with him, I didn’t. For me to soon. I was surprised… because to be honest I was expecting more connection, passion and confidence. I tried to build it. We where just starting to know each other, we started dreaming about family, home, business, growing together and suddenly everything changed, 2 weeks later he started distancing. The intimacy went down, minimum conversations, no eye or touch contact at all,
I was invisible. He didn’t wanted to talk about it but 1 month ago happened, the conversation. Basically I open the door to get out of the uncomfortable situation and started looking for options to get him back. I love him but for me is unacceptable the way he treat me. Maybe I’m the issue, giving to much. I’m in my 21 day of NC rule. He called few times, text once, anything extraordinary. And now rumors starting to show, maybe he’s with someone else.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 14, 2020 at 8:59 pm
Hi Leslie, if he is in a relationship with someone else now then I would follow the 45 day no contact. As for how things changes so quickly it sounds as if he was rushing things through the new honeymoon phase and then when those new feelings clam down he realised he was not as “in love” as he was at the start. Stick to NC and reach out after either 30 days, unless you confirm he is with someone else now then go to 45 days and start following the being there method
Valencia
April 9, 2020 at 4:27 pm
Hey Chris my name is Valencia as for me my ex left and told me that he’s looking for someone younger and few weeks later he came back telling me that he was not really sure about breaking up with me but it felt right. Then he said that things were going fast if only we could take them slow so I don’t know what to do or say.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 9, 2020 at 9:17 pm
Hi Valencia, it is up to you if you want to give him a second chance. He chose to leave you and realised that he could not to better when he left it could make your relationship stronger as he may appreciate you better the second time around but explain to him calmly that you will not take him back a third time
Zoe
April 1, 2020 at 9:16 pm
My name is Zoe Filkins! Let me just tell my story. Like I said I am 23 almost 24 and I have a 4 year old son with my Ex husband who I was with and married to for years. We got divorced in 2018 and while I was heartbroken it was toxic I cried every single day and it needed to end. Fast forward to now my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me a month ago out of no where.. let me just tell you a little back story. Him and I were friends before anything .. he also has a 3 year old son with his ex wife. Crazy story. Him and her and my ex husband and I were all 4 friends at one time. When we were still married her and my husband slept together. Ultimate betrayal by my friend and also my husband. Now he was heartbroken too because his wife just cheated with his friend so me and Him were in the same boat. We talked a lot only as friends.. we got each other through a rough time. Fast forward to May of last year .. he came into town, he works on the road, and he had his son and he wanted to catch up so we got the boys together. We hung out all weekend and the rest of history.. we were hesitant at first because we didn’t want it to look like we were doing it for revenge because we weren’t anyways we have/had a long distance relationship because he works out of town and I work during the week but I saw him every weekend. We had the best relationship. No fighting hardly… communication was great and we just both fell really fast.. he even asked if I would move with him soon and he’s the one who first said I love you. The day before he broke up with me he has bought me roses for Valentine’s Day and told me how much he loved me. He always made me feel loved and never talked down to me. The day of he even told me he loved me. I was visiting him and he came home from work and seemed down. He told me that he needs time to figure himself out and make himself happy.. he said I made him so happy but he needed to learn to be happy on his own. I was shattered. some things happened to his son while his son was with his ex wife and even though it wasn’t his fault he feels like he’s failed him and didn’t protect him and he’s been depressed over it he says. We have talked since and he tells me he’s inlove with me .. loves me .. and that I did nothing wrong but that he’s depressed and doesn’t feel like himself. And that he needs to figure out where his life is going and that he needs to find himself. . He’s pushed me away. I Told him I love him unconditionally and I don’t want this but always here if he needs me to talk to. A couple of weekends ago he asked me to come see him and I did .. we had a great weekend. Felt like us. And he told his cousin we are working on things. When I got back home I called him and asked how he thought it went.. he said he went well but he still doesn’t know what he needs to do.. that he wants me and wants it to work but wants it to take it slow but that he does love me. We have talked every day since Except the last few days he’s ghosted me and I checked in on him and he said he’s just feeling depressed.. but it’s just weird. It’s hard going from hearing I love you every day to not really hearing it at all. It’s like we are just friends.. and that’s hard cause I’m in love with him. I’m just scared he will get use to this and kind of have his cake and eat it too without the label.. i dot want to be taken advantage of but I also want to be there for him.. so I’m stuck.
Thanks so much ,
Carla
March 5, 2020 at 10:41 am
My boyfriend of 7 months just ended our relationship 4 days ago during a heated argument we had over the phone, we both said mean things to each other and I’m so devastated he ended our relationship since he claims to love me. Now he says that the break up was not only due to the argument but over all everything. He said he’s giving me his all to make me happy but sees I’m not since everything he says turns into an argument. He said he is tired of arguing and feels he’ll never make me happy with anything he does for me. I don’t want to lose him I love him and am feeling desperate, how can I save our relationship. I’m afraid it’s too late and he made up his mind that our relationship is not going to work.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 12, 2020 at 11:59 am
Hey Carla, allowing your ex some space to calm down and think about what he said and then reach out in 30 days with a text that chris suggests
Airamaliel
February 29, 2020 at 1:02 pm
So me and my boyfriend had dated for about 5 months. We were good. And pretty happy. However his friends absolutely hated me. Always giving me dirty looks and then proceed to talk about me. It isn’t the first time one of them had made up lies to tell him. This time one of them started up a rumor he cheated on me with one of them. So as anyone would do I asked him about it. He denied it, I believe him and still do because he isn’t the time of guy to just do that. On the way home he’s quiet and doesn’t say anything. Usually we’re talkative and joke around a lot. Once we get to his house I park outside and he tells me he doesn’t want the idea of him cheating to be stuck in the back of my head when I’m with him. He goes on to explain he still loves me. But doesn’t want to “ruin my image”. He wasn’t able to say he wanted to break up with me but I caught onto the hint and told him to just leave. I had explained to him over and over that this was not at all a big issue and I just needed to hear him answer the question. However he continued to apologize and leave the car.
I still care deeply about him. I don’t know if I should just forget about him completely or talk to him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 4, 2020 at 10:41 pm
Hey Airamaliel, so it is up to you if you want to try and get your ex back but it starts with No Contact and spending some time apart and focusing on yourself. So you have time to make that decision. If you decide you want to follow ERP I am more than happy to advise you futher
Jade
February 23, 2020 at 11:10 am
Hi my and my ex had been talking for 7 months a month of talking online messaging and group videoing before he met me he seemed really interested to get to know me and even said he thinks I might be the one. We went on a first date with my sis and her bf who is friends with my ex, stayed at his, slept in his bed but didn’t have sex wit him, he told me he loved me and I was the one. A month later we become bf and gf. He takes me on a family holiday 2 months later that his parents paid for. Then he payed for me to go Disney land with him and his family a month later for Christmas . It was a fast head over heels relationship on his part. Quite a lot of small arguments/ communication problems, he did have quite a bad temper at times also. In early February he broke up with me telling me he wasn’t prepared for a long distance relationship as he want to learn to be a paramedic, I want to work on Steiner cruise ships as a massage/ beauty therapist but he still loves me with tears in his eyes. Later in he cried also. For months after that I would message him try to understand why and get him back then try no contact and try again, the last time i tried after giving up with no contact and different methods was July I think then September just asked how he was getting on then left it was tired of being rejected. Then he called joined group call with my sis and her bf when I was in the house drunk drinking by himself at home asking my sis how I was wished me the best and said he hasn’t spoke to me in a while. So idk what that was about. I wished him a happy birthday in November but that was the last communication. I sent another comment before but couldn’t see it here I didn’t add a website so maybe that’s why. Thank you look forward to hearing from you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2020 at 10:03 pm
Hey Jade, so you need to complete a No Contact where you do not focus on your ex, but focus on yourself reading the information on this website will help you with that. It sounds as if your relationship took off quickly so when things started to calm down your ex realised he was feeling lust not love at first. Where it is hard to accept this you need to take a step back so that he can miss you and start remembering why he fell for you at the start. Reaching out with the types of texts Chris suggests opens a window of conversation where birthday and holiday messages are pretty cut subjects so make sure not to reach out that way again.
Jade
February 23, 2020 at 8:28 am
Hi my ex was with my for 5 months we spoke online Messenger and group video For a month. And started seeing each other for a month after that before becoming bf and gf Then on our first date he told me he loved me and I was the one but he Was very drunk. He was very full on head over heels toke me on two family holidays one paid for by his parents Knowing me for two months And then he paid for Disney land at Christmas a month after that. It was full on and fast at the start with little arguments/ communication problems often. He broke up with me 5 months of being together early feb of last year saying that he wanted to learn to be a paramedic and I want to work on Steiner cruise ships as a massage/ beauty therapist we wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship because it would be very hard to see each other. He told me he still loves me tho and it’s hard for him too, he had tears in his eyes and he cried in the end too? Thank you can’t wait for your response
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2020 at 9:36 pm
Hi Jade, so I am not sure what you want advise on is it to get him back – if so then you need to go into a no contact and follow the programs advice. However, from what he has said he as thought about a future with you both following your careers and can not see it working, so you need to work out if you are willing to have a long distance relationship where you do not see each other often, then you would have to find a way for him to feel the same way. Read the ungettable articles and make sure you are applying this to your life while broken up too
mary
February 3, 2020 at 2:36 pm
My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me a little over 3 weeks ago. even while doing it he was crying and going back and forth if we should do it. He has a lot to work on for himself(which I agree) but i still would have worked through it. He asked me if he could put the ball back in my court and asked when he gets his life more in order if I would be willing to give him another chance, and proceeded to say how much he cares about me and that he does see us being together and having a very long and strong relationship. He said I dont want to scare you but I see us being together in the end(marriage). He told me he is not interested in being with anyone else and asked if it was the same for me. I told him yes and that i would be willing to give us another chance because I do see us being together. I even asked towards the end of our convo if he really saw us being back together and for as long as he was insinuating and he looked at me and said yes. He said this all on his own in the beginning of our convo and was not prompted by me at all. I believe him but I am scared. He texted me on my birthday(the day after the breakup) and i responded but we have not spoken since. He posts songs on his instagram about still being in love and wanting to be better. he likes memes like “how sad is it when you stop talking to the one you thought you would marry” and when you miss someone but there is nothing you can do about it”. Should i stay in no contact?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 15, 2020 at 4:00 pm
Hi Mary, you can reach out to your ex with a text that Chris suggests using after 30 days of No Contact, giving that in those 30 days you have worked on yourself and got your emotions under control to a point you are not goign to get emotional if you speak to your ex
He's the one for me
February 1, 2020 at 9:32 pm
I had the same thing happen to me. I had him on the hook and flubbed it and lost his interest again. He even disclosed he had our wedding song picked out and how he loves me. Need help getting him back on the hook with the follow through. I need help in this process step by step so he does get past the commitmentphobea.
Ness
January 31, 2020 at 4:51 pm
Hey, me and my boyfriend broke up about 6 weeks ago. And I broke up with him because he didn’t gave any energy for our relationship. He didn’t care about me anymore and he took his friends over me. He wasn’t like that before. He got “off”. Before that I’m very close to his family and friends. Everybody likes me. And we talked about marriage and future very much. But since I broke up every week he ask me stuff like “how’s work” and short things. And I’m have been very cold and haven’t always answered him. You know “30 no contact rules”. And he writes to my bestfriends boyfriend every week about me. BUT on his Instagram he have follow about 20 new girls, and that girls isn’t he’s friends. Last week I went to a club, I introduced him for. And he didn’t like that club but he was there and told me he went to talk to me. He talked about how much he miss me, that he never loved a girl like me and stuff like that. And after that I went home to my friend and he still texted me how much I mean to him. And I answered “I need to think”. After 3 days a wrote to him “what is different from now that last time we were together” he answered me the day after “I were on my friends funeral, I don’t wanna take it right now”. But I have seen snap story’s when he dance and have fun. Now it’s 3 days after and he didn’t answer my text, and he have followed 6 more girls. “When he’s sad” What’s wrong with him? Why he text me every weekend, stalked me and tell how much he loves me and that we are meant to be and he wants me to move to his apartment he bought next month, and start following many girls? And he know that I see everything!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 15, 2020 at 3:53 pm
Hey Ness so the things he is saying, you need to compare to his actions. If he is telling you, “we’re meant to be” and then he goes and chats up girls online. You need to know that he is keeping his options open. So make him think you are not goign to be an option to him for much longer. Meaning start dating, or hinting through social media that you could be dating. But dont make him think you’re in a relationship. Just going out on nice dinners and for drinks etc
Amy Devereaux
January 29, 2020 at 1:56 am
My bf broke and I dated seriously for over a year. We used to work together but he got fired and fell into a depression. He wanted to look for jobs out of state and asked if I would move away with him. We were together almost everyday and I practically lived with him. Then one day he told me things weren’t shaping up the way he’d hoped in his job search and he said he needed to take a break from it and said he also wanted a break from our relationship. I was stunned. We were so in love and had been through so much together. I couldnt believe what I was hearing. He said he didn’t want to bring another person down in his suffering. I knew he’d been depressed but I thought we would get through it together. I asked him if he didn’t love me anymore and he said he does and that it wasn’t easy for him but that it’s not personal and we weren’t breaking up, but it was just a break. In this day and age, a break is a break-up. I told him that as I gathered up all my things and left his apt. He tried to hold me and told me again he loves me, but it was too painful, so I just left. Within minutes, he took down his Facebook profile pic of us and replaced it with another picture of us both, this time with half of my face cropped out. I have no idea why he would do that and it really hurt. I did no contact for 21 days and then I finally sent him a text telling him that I know his apt lease is up in 2 months,so he must be moving soon and that I’m doing well and know that no matter what, he will be fine also. It took him a day to respond. Which is not like him at all. He usually texts people right away and I wondered if maybe he’d just ignore me. The next morning I got a very long text about how much he’s been thinking of me and how the worst part is not having me around to share exciting news. He said he’s happy I’m doing well, bc it was hard for him not being there to encourage me daily but he’s glad that I didn’t need it. And he’s had a job opportunity across country that he’s super excited about. I was again heart broken that he didn’t immediately beg me to come back to him. Also, I was devastated that he might be moving so far away without me, when our plan all along was to do that together. I went into NC again, so I don’t know if he got that job. But his apt lease is up in a month and I wanted to know if you think it’s a good idea for me to try to reach out again before he leaves, possibly forever.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 7, 2020 at 8:33 pm
Hey Amy so even though he did respond well to you, you were supposed to avoid having these emotional conversations, you need to have a short brief conversation using one of the texting styles that Chris suggests with the topic of interest of his so that you get conversation built. If you want to get him back, then you need to follow the process. If you know you are willing to move to where he is moving to then do not put pressure on time frame, in the age of technology there is ways to get someone back without being in the same area
Madison
January 8, 2020 at 8:33 pm
Hi!
So me and my boyfriend have been broken up since the week before thanksgiving and it all happened because he cheated on me. We have been together for over 2 years and the first year and a half was straight out of a fairy tale but after our 2 year anniversary it all kind of started going down hill. He was becoming a little distant and his mom came over to my house even to tell me he cheated on me. I felt so cold and my stomach hurt so bad I got nausea and I went over to his house to ask him why physically and he said it was because he was getting tired of the arguments every single day and that I was constantly on him about everything and he is right. It’s because I’m not confident with myself and I was very very very insecure because to me I’m a potato and he is like gorgeous and perfect but has slight emotional issues with himself and his mom won’t let him date the girl he cheated on me with because one she isn’t a good person apparently and two he is just physically attracted to her which I find impossible because I think you would have to be emotionally mentally and physically attracted to someone. But when we talk in person he teases me he calls me babe he calls me cute animal nicknames we have for each other but yet he has mentioned her around me 2 times and I try not to get upset but me being sensitive especially when it comes to him I did cry a little but he tried to make me happy. But the last time I talked to him was on December 22 and I get on and off sad and I’m just wondering what I should do. Me and him have always had a super strong bond and my family and friends know that but they say oh just leave him he isn’t worth it or some stuff like that. But honestly I love him way too much to. It does sound a bit silly but I love him. But my mom and his mom said to give us some time because we are both very immature but my mom said there is still hope.
Thank you for your time whoever reads this.
Mandy
January 6, 2020 at 7:01 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me 5 days ago and out of no where. He told me that he needs a break, he’s trying to work something out whether there are things in the future he wants to do alone or with me, he feel like nothing himself sometimes being with me. We’re on a long term relationship by the way. He told me that he needs me to be as his friend no more than that, we can still text, call, even video call each other, because he doesn’t want to lose me. I told him that how can I be friend with him again when he knows it’s impossible now. the day after, he sent me a text telling me that he still sent me gifts for Christmas because he still wants me to have them, and he will let me know once the gifts get here. We’re both in military, he’s waiting on his order right now, we’re both scared that he won’t get stationed where i am at, but we talked it out before that we’ll make it work no matter what… take one step at a time and now this, i just dont know what to do… i’ve been giving him some space with no contact and i don’t want to lose him… i know he still loves me a lot i just don’t know why it has to end like this…. I want him back but it’s just hard for me because of long distance. I want to show him that there are still ways… please help me
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2020 at 3:05 am
Hey Mandy, so is there a plan to remove the long distance between you both? As if there is no plan then it is hard to make someone see the future. Working on yourself in the mean time and showing how great you are as a person is going to make him want to talk to you and feel like he is on the outside looking in while you are living an Ungettable life
Omy
December 20, 2019 at 8:32 pm
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, he broke up out of the sudden we were engaged, he is a very insecure person and he tends to believe i was cheating on him, i dont see that as something normal but we having a relationship by distance so i thought that maybe the distance was making him have this thoughts however we had a lot of arguments. His family didn’t accept this relationship at the beginning he didn’t care he wanted to be with me but after a while i believe the presure got him.the problem here is that he thinks i cheated on him because i have been really low about the relationship (obviously i didn’t) he is a good man and he did a lot of efforts for me but his insecurities are really tiring and unfair for me. He broke up eith me saying “i love you but i cant keep accepting you acting careless about this relationship i deserve better” i personally want him back but at the same time he been disrespectful and questioned my loyalty so im no contact i dont know if i should try to move on from this or have patience because i really love him but his insecurities absorbed my energy and dont know what to do. Some help please
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2019 at 6:19 pm
Hi Omy, it is hard to advise you on what yo do as I can not tell you to move on and I cant tell you to try and get your ex back, if you make a decision I can advise you with either direction going forward 🙂
D
December 13, 2019 at 11:13 am
Hi,
My Ex broke up with me couple of months ago. We had been together for two years. We are both 22, so quite young. We met at university, both doing challenging courses (he did engineering and I do medicine). He was my first boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. Although he had been in casual things before and I had dated other guys during my first years of uni. I did enjoy being single before I met him, and not the sort to get into a relationship unless I feel the emotions were strong.
We had an amazing two years. We both had very very similar interests. We did talk about the future a lot, and both had same end goals.
In person, we always got on very well and rarely initiated an big argument face to face. But we use to have silly immature fall outs when it came to communicating over text. He is quite abrupt (without releasing) and I sometimes took it personally being a sensitive personality type. We both found these episodes quite exhausting. But we always made up, and he would say he had strong feelings for me and he hasn’t felt this way before, and something would always draw him back.
However few months ago (before we broke up). We started a long distance arrangement, with him working in a city doing his dream job 3 hours away. Whereas Im still in my final year of uni with my medical finals looming next month. The dynamic changed slightly, with both of us under a lot of pressure.
We knew this arrangement was gonna happen for over a year. I use to worry about it, which I think created insecurity in our relationship. But had got my head round it, but maybe a bit too late. I think he was concerned about the long distance set up looming and how we could both cope. And over last summer, he told me one day “I don’t know if I’ve settled down too early, I know I have very strong feelings for you, but how can I tell if it’s love.”. I got upset by this but the next day, he said he was being silly and to ignore it.
Anyways. He stared his new job in September. We had some lovely weekends together. The last being end of September, when he came down to my house. It was perfectly normal, we cuddled and went for a walk and to the cinema etc. Normal things. Didn’t realise that would be the last time I would see him.
When we went for the walk. He did flag up, he was finding the long distance hard. I think he was tired from the drive. I asked if that was him trying to end it, and he said no. He wouldn’t have driven down 3 hrs if he didn’t love me. So we talked a bit, but with my mind focused on my finals. I didn’t take his comment too seriously, thinking we were very secure in the relationship. And I just said it was natural for him to worry. I said I took a while to get my head round the long distance. I said it would only be for two years whilst we both finish training and focusing on our careers, and then I agreed I would move up to him in two years time. I told him to not to worry, and that after my exams in February. I would be able to come up to him a lot more than what I was able to do in sept/Oct and that things would be more settled then. He cheered up and we booked a spa for our anniversary in two weeks time. And a Christmas trip to London.
However the following weekend 4th Oct. We had a silly tiff over text. Long story, but he said he couldn’t cope with it anymore. I was devastated. So initially I said shall we go on a break until my exams are done. And see where we are at in February. He was very happy with this idea, as would give him “time to process his emotions and for me to focus on exams”. there was lots of tears.
However I broke no contact week later, and sent him messages trying to reassure him we could make things work. He got very annoyed.
We called a couple of times. He cried and said he was confused and after hearing my voice felt better. But then when I tired to call the next day. He didn’t want to hear from me and was very off. So I said ok.
On 3rd Nov. I called him as couldn’t cope with being in limbo with the whole break thing. I was hoping with another call, I could persuade him to come back. I had reflected over the past month, I wanted to apologise for my behaviour etc.
I thought we were still doing the break at this stage. But he said it was over. He deleted a few pics of fb. (Although still kept a lot of coupley ones – it seemed a bit random the ones he kept). He also posted a selfie of him in London alone (I was meant to be with him). And he posted it on fb. He rarely does that. So I think
that was a statement.
The strange thing then happened. My mum messaged him the following morning. As she felt partly responsible for some of the things that went wrong in our relationships (like putting pressure on my to not move away from home etc, and making sure I was putting my finals first etc). So she apologised to him for a couple of things. And said she could see were had such a great bond etc, and asked to consider his decision carefully before throwing it away. But wished him all the best.
They actually called. He got emotional, And he told her that he just felt we sometimes clashed over message, and it made him feel bad.
And that he was currently feeling better. And just concerned sometimes I play an emotional game with him, and that he’s not sure if that’s to test his love for me. But if it is a game he said he doesn’t want to play it anymore. And that he had just started to lose respect for me recently.
I have done a lot of reflection over past couple of months.
My messages to him were quite immature, and coming across needy towards the end. Which isn’t normally like me. So I questioned why I acted this way.
I think he was right. I was sending him “dramatic messages” to test his love for me. I guess I felt insecure with his odd comments “not sure if I’ve settled down too early” etc. I was confused, as one minute we could talk about the future and he would say he would know where he would propose etc, and the next minute he would send me an abrupt message or do something to make me feel he wasn’t sure of what he wanted.
On one of our last calls, he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted someone more extroverted. But then he said he does like my personality. He sounds very confused with what he wants. He also said he wouldn’t hesitate to message me in two years time etc. And lots of strange comments.
Over the past few months, I have reflected. That I probably did get too comfortable in the relationship. And I put so much effort into us, but not on myself. I think the big issue was I was putting us first before me. I didn’t have a good balance. I had kinda lost myself a bit. And was sometimes too worried about when I was next gonna see him (so would get bit sulky) but now I know I should have just enjoyed and relaxed with every second with him).
In addition my confidence dropped at bit at med school over past couple of years.
So I’ve recognised I need time to regain my confidence and to become the girl he was attracted to at the start.
I would handle things so differently with what I know now. And I’m sure with more time. I’ll learn more.
I have sent him a tea advent colander as that has a sentimental meaning to us.I’ve written little messages in each day, nothing intense, just a light hearted fact each day of something I loved about him, a lesson I have learnt post break up and a random did you know fact). I don’t know if he will open it. I don’t know if that was a good idea to send. But hoped some notes would make him laugh.
I haven’t contacted him in over a month now.
I’ve deactivated my fb for a break. My plan is to focus on my finals in January. And to work on building up my confidence.
One thing I have done, is booked a medical elective in Nepal. Which I think he would be shocked by. (I had originally arranged to do my elective for a month up with him where he lives, but have since cancelled that plan).
I’m hoping this time will give him space to think and give me time to grow, so I think the situation whilst heart breaking has been useful. But I just miss him immensely.
Any thoughts would be appreciated?
Should I reach out to him in a couple months time after my exams? (I know in the mean time he would want me to purely focus on them). Not sure if he would agree to see me.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2019 at 10:22 pm
Hi D, it sounds as if you are doing the right things to improve yourself and your life. So taking that time in no contact to improve yourself and then reaching out to your ex at the end of January, making sure that your first text is giving the right impression. Friendly and asking for advice on something you know he would be interested in talking to you about it, and then you need to end the conversation before he does. The most important part is that you are working to strive towards Ungettable status consistently to be the best version of yourself