What Your Ex Boyfriend Is Thinking During The No Contact Rule

546 thoughts on “Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule”

Blaire

October 10, 2017 at 10:12 pm

So my ex is 25, and I am 20 right now. I live in LA and he lives in SD. We’ve been together for a year and 3 months. He said this is one of his longest relationships cuz he usually can’t stay long in a relationship. However, he has been telling me for a long time that he wants to crush his goals. He doesn’t earn much, and he wants to save up for his new truck and then buy a house. He told me that the past year he was always trying to make me happy, but he said it’s time for him to be selfish now. But I feel like one of the reasons of breaking up is that he just lost interest in me…. I feel like he’s not completely bullshitting, but he just didn’t want to admit that he is tired and I am no longer that attractive. (Well he keeps telling me that I’m very attractive and cute to him, but he said he just doesn’t want a relationship right now) I am so confused, and I dont know what I should do! We even planned to meet up at a rave on Halloween….. WHAT DOES HE WANT!?
kate

October 7, 2017 at 2:10 pm

We didn’t break up,we have been dating for 8months now and for the past 3months it has been complicating,he hardly want see me,i have spoke to him about this but no improvement,he spent time with his friends and am tired of complaining and begging for attention,i decided to go on the nc but am not really sure if it will help in this situation since we didn’t break up,i started nc 3 days ago and it has been really hard nd he hasn’t contact me,should i continue?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 8, 2017 at 11:22 pm

Hi kate,

If he continues to ignore you, what’s your decision?

Melynda

October 7, 2017 at 3:36 am

My ex broke up with me under the guise of distance (he temporarily moved across country and isn’t sure where his job will take him next yet). I found out a couple of days later that he had cheated on me at least 6 times with his coworker jul-sep of last year and just before he moved this year. I was devastated. So he said part of his reason to move was to get away from the guilt and to “redefine himself.” He has never cheated on a previous girlfriend. He is absolutely a wonderful person inside and out. Everyone who knows was in disbelief when they found out (even those who have grown up with him). He always hated cheaters because his mom was cheated on a lot by the men in her life as he grew up. I wasn’t angry. Just very hurt. And we tried being friends, but me overcompensating led to him pulling away I suppose. We were “friends” but he saw me in passing and ducked to avoid I just kept walking. Another friend and I tried to meet up to say a simple hello later on, but he avoided it like the plague. After this incident I talked to him one more time over text about if he was happy with his decision to break up and he said yes but he still thinks we have a possibility in the future. He has continually said that our relationship was great when we were together, but distance was hard (I’m a flight attendant, so I moved around a bit due to base assignments before finally getting back home). He said once we’re both settled back home again, it can work. So we had that talk but I was still hurting from the way he avoided me, so I initiated no contact (guess I did this wrong). After a week, he texted me. Again after 3 days. Again after 3 more days. And then that same night he blocked me on Facebook and sent a message saying I hope we can be friends but if not I understand. I broke NC and told him that I had come to realize that I needed to step back to heal. And that he had not respected me in awhile. And I realized he would never respect me if I didn’t respect myself enough to realize that I deserve better. So I needed time away and have been using this time to better myself, spend time with friends, and meet new people and that I had hoped he would do the same. He got angry and said I should’ve had the decency to say that instead of saying we could be friends and if I had to vilify him then fine. Said he’s ‘happy for me and my adventures and will leave me alone like I want.” I didn’t respond that night. Awhile back I had invited him to meet for breakfast on a layover I had coming up. So to try to make it clear that I had no harsh feelings, I texted him once more saying I would still love to meet up if he was open to it. I figured I then left the ball in his court, but still maintained my composure. He hasn’t responded and I haven’t messaged again (and I don’t plan to). I’m doing well on my own. I definitely tried to decide if I still want him after space, and I do. I’m content on my own. I’m absolutely able to do life on my own happily and successfully. But I want to be with him because I know that he is a truly good person who is obviously struggling right now. He gets me. We both want similar futures based in the same town, full of travel, and want a family. And I KNOW that if we could get through this and start over, we could really make something good for ourselves. Any advice to salvage this??

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 8, 2017 at 9:40 pm

Hi Melynda,

Restart the count of nc, don’t meet up with him in your next layover especially if it’s within your nc and then stick to at least 30 days.. If you really want someone to respect you, dont act like everthing is ok right after they hurt you.. Take your own time to heal instead of trying to make it seem everything that happened was ok with you.. If he’s a good person, that’s great.. make him earn your trust again.. Good people would feel guilt automatically and would want to do that after they make a mistake.. No need for you to ask it but if he acts like he doesnt want to then you have to think about what’s really important for you..

karami

September 21, 2017 at 8:26 pm

I met my ex on his own Bday party 6 years ago. Recently I thought thing getting better but actually he second time told me that he has feelings for me but don’t love me and he doesn’t see as together in future or family. He did that already maybe 3 years ago, but then we kinda got back together I don’t even know could I call that a relationship cause we actually just was sleeping together not going out, meting outside of bedroom.
So back to the point… we talk and he want stay friends and steel meeting for sex which is great and he love it with me, that’s what he want.
I just pulled out go quite, got message from him last week but ignore it didn’t answer he is not texting. Now is two weeks.
I just wonder is he really not love me and for what be friends wit benefits? I don’t get it ? ( I forgot to mention that he propose 3 times in those 6 years being drunk)
He is manipulate me his words I know u love me and u always will, so he is sure that I just be.
I’m so tired of his way treat me. I love him but I’m not sure even if I do the nc it will change anything cause we have a done it already, then he back for short while was good then again back to shit. Is he ever make any commitment? And choose me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 27, 2017 at 10:44 am

Hi Karami,

That means you’re friends with benefits… The more you do it, the more you’re stuck in that situation

Diana

August 28, 2017 at 11:31 pm

I dated a guy for a year. We just had an argument cause I found out he was lying about pleasing himself to porn…nice way to say it. I felt betrayed cause the day before I found out he was having issues with me in the sack but blamed it on the pressure I put on him. I suggested I see a therapist to help me with my trust issues and said we should talk till then. But then said I wanted him to stay because I felt I was pushing him away. He said he liked my first suggestion and was very cold. Also said he is drained from all of it. Which to me makes no sense as I was the one hurt in the deal. He has stuff at my house. I see the therapist next week. If I do the nc rule starting yesterday and he does reach out to me next week so I reply or ignore?

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 30, 2017 at 9:03 pm

Hi diana,
But you’re not broken up right?

K

August 24, 2017 at 10:41 pm

So dealing with an ex who keeps saying she needs time to process our breakup and that if she has time she could recommit in the future. I told her to only contact me if she is in a different place and ready to commit. I’ve been nc for 15 days. Should I contact her after 30 or just leave things up to her? Or should I cut all contact? Thanks!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 24, 2017 at 11:36 pm

Hi K,

you can initiate contact. are you actively improving yourself and posting?

Demetria

August 23, 2017 at 8:59 pm

I was with my ex for alost 4 years. Things were great up until about 6 months ago. I had a dramatic job change and after 3 months I had lost my job and fell into deep depression. We also were living with my family and it was not the best situation, had a druggie aunt living with us. I started playing a mobile game and made a friend who lived in the UK (I am in the US) and someone who is dramatic younger than I and I was helping him with dealing with his parents divorce. I was in such depression that I didn’t feel like going out anymore and just playing my mobile game and xbox with my friend, which my ex stated he felt like I was happier talking to him than being around my ex. Which wasn’t true, but I wasnt going to bring my friend down and the game had focus on my brain when I was playing. He started getting these ideas that I was cheating on him with my friend from the UK, but I was not and would not ever cheat on him. Also, after I lost my job we got into some pretty bad fights where I hit him in about 3 of the fights and I regretted it and I told him I wouldn’t do it again after the 3rd time, and I didnt. I had previously been in a domestic violent relationship and I scared myself by acting like that. But in short, I hit him, he thought I was cheating with my friend from the UK, my depression made me push him away because I didn’t feel attractive anymore, I was addicted to a game I put my time towards instead of him and we were moving into a new house further away from where his father and the sport he played was. We got into a bad fight in the car and he left me in a parking lor, but my parents were there also so I ended up riding home with them. He moved all of his stuff out and went to a friend’s to talk and get drunk. He talked the first 3 days after the relationship saying he was sorry that he had to hurt me, but had to stick strong to his decision to not be with me. His last message was saying that he was sorry that he had to hurt me and felt like I was right around the corner all the time (basically that he felt like I would come into the room and he would get excited and be able to talk to me) but that he was now being able to focus on him and his dad. That made me feel like I was toxic, so I said goodbye. He then wouldn’t answer any calls or texts or any messages I would send and ended up changing his number and when I tried to reach him anywhere else I would be blocked. Yesterday was the last day I contacted him and I’m going to try to stick strong to the no contact rule. I have become more motivated after getting out of the toxic house I was in and I actually shower everyday now. I have been more motivated to find a job, so I am focusing on that. We both disc golfed, and I lost 80 lbs when I was with him while I disc golfed but I am scared to go do that in fear that he will think i am there because of him. He also told someone else that he was basically done with love and felt like I cheared on him. If I follow through with this no contact rule, how likely do you think it will be that it works? I need help please because I miss him and I would like him back in my life because he was wonderful up until I stupidly stopped giving him the attention that he deserves that I would be willing to put in the work to get back to where we were.

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 24, 2017 at 10:59 pm

Hi Demetria,

no contact rule only increases your chances, it’s not a guarantee that it will work and your chances will only depend on you. On how much and how genuinely you improve yourself.

Candy

August 19, 2017 at 11:40 am

My situation is different from all of those that I have read. I have known my guy since I was seven years old . I fell in love with him when I was 16 as he kissed me goodbye went to Vietnam . We never got together romantically we always remained friends . I have never told him I have loved him . We started emailing back-and-forth back in May 2015. I moved 45 minutes away from him and I’ve only seen him one time a month for the last six months . We used to email back-and-forth continually throughout the week. All of a sudden it seemed like he became angry with me and I couldn’t figure out why. A lot my love away in my heart and just became friends with him but things have become so tense between us. He’s made me cry too many times, so I started the no contact rule . He has never known that he has it made me cry or that he’s hurt me but I do stand up for myself with him just like I did when we were children. I just wonder if I’ve lost him forever.

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 19, 2017 at 9:39 pm

Until now, he doesn’t know that you have feelings for him?

Kelly Kapowski

August 15, 2017 at 5:33 am

My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half, good friends for a year before that. He called me after a month long army training camp followed by a trip to Mexico. He had also found out his chances of getting into medical school are very slim. He called me two days before I flew to visit him for a few days and said that the distance was too much and that it hadn’t felt like a relationship the past month and a half or so. A couple days later he said that he “just fell out of love with me.” It is as if he did a complete 180. One day saying how much he loved me and how excited he is to see me, and then I was blindsided by the breakup!

It has been almost a month and I will be taking my little sister to college, which is where he is for one more year. He texted me saying that he hopes he can see me and talk to me when he gives me my stuff back. He also said “I miss you, it’s weird not checking up with you everyday.”

What do you recommend I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 15, 2017 at 11:01 pm

Stick to at least 30 days nc..

Cecile

August 10, 2017 at 6:47 pm

So we broke up after a big fight. I begged and pleaded, no success.
Started no contact 2 days later. He messaged me, Facebook stalked, etc, no reply. Around day 15 I ran into him and he WOULDNT let me go. Ended up telling me he misses me and still loves me, will work on his issues and wants me in his life however I choose to have him.

I was happy. Next day though he was normal(ish). Day after that he got a little distant? Eventually he messaged me that he does miss and love me, but would like to be friends or something, because he didn’t know he hurt me that badly and it bothers him, so he’s scared to try to start something again because he doesn’t want to put me through that again.

I don’t know what to do? Should o jump back into NC and do extended NC? Broke it because he had THAT conversation with me where it sounded like he wanted to get back together. Or will that make things worse? I don’t want to end up friend zoned and I’m not sure what to do now.

Pleaaassseee help…

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 11, 2017 at 2:05 pm

Yep you should restart. Check this one:
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Wants To Stay Friends

Chaley Barnes

July 27, 2017 at 4:23 am

Hi I was talking to a guy that was getting out of a 3 yr relationship. We immediately hit it off and he couldn’t stay away from me however she was still in the process of moving out when we were getting to know each other. He absolutely loved everything about me and I adored him. One day he just told me to back off and left without a trace. Now he won’t answer my texts and I have no clue how to feel. We were so close and then it was like he disappeared. I want him back but I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 29, 2017 at 7:17 pm

Hi Charley,

Check this one:
EBR 034: Are YOU The Rebound For Your Ex Boyfriend?

Marsha

July 18, 2017 at 9:35 pm

Hi, my ex boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me because he’s tired o my trust issues. We’ve gotten into arguments because of my inhability to trust him. He found out that I added him on anonymous social media. That was the straw that broke his back. He said he could no longer be with me until I’m ready and told me to think about what I wanted. Immediately after the break up I went NC. With out warning. He contacted me asking if I’m okay a few times, realized he was being ignored called and then got the point and has not contacted me. We work together and will be seeing Each othe soon making it 3 weeks of NC. I went NC to move on but now I’m realizing I miss him. Do we have a solid chance of working things out?

Marsha

July 19, 2017 at 3:57 pm

Hey could you elaborate on what you mean by how much I improved? And is there any other way I can get him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 23, 2017 at 7:10 am

Improved with health, wealth and relationships aspect of your life.. Check this one too. I think you need to restart nc..
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 18, 2017 at 10:23 pm

it depends on how much you improved..

Amanda K.

July 13, 2017 at 1:23 am

Hello, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up 1 month ago due to talking with an ex. My ex-texted me asking how I was and I responded as we continued talking, I had no intention of doing anything just seeing how he was. The problem I had was that I did not tell my now ex-boyfriend about the conversation and he found a few months later by his friend. He was completely devasted and couldn’t believe I didn’t tell him and hid it for a long time. In result he broke up with me because of a communication problem. I begged him not to break up but he said he has too because he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. Fast forward till now, we talked a few times and hung out and he responded to my texts and everything, basically everything seemed the same and he even said I love you and I miss you but a week ago he completely went out of sight and would not return my calls or texts and would just reads my snap chat conversation to him. On Monday I told him that I will be backing off until he is okay with himself and knows what he wants and I felt bad for constantly calling and everything so it was best for the back off. I still love him dearly and I am terribly sorry for what I did and I told him and apologized for it 3days after the breakup. I am nervous that I won’t be able to get him back because I am not talking to him and I am completely out of his and I am afraid he will move on to another girl and replacement . We were together for 7 months and the majority of it was LDR but we knew we were the ones for each other. I don’t know if I am on the right track and I am hoping on my life that everything will be okay. Any insight would really help me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 14, 2017 at 2:44 pm

He’s already not talking to you..instead of worrying be active in improving yourself

Gabby

July 8, 2017 at 7:50 am

Hi. I have been best friends with this guy for 6 years (I will call him H). This time last year, he confessed to me during a difficult time with my boyfriend that he liked me. He tried to kiss me which all took me by surprise. I pushed him back but he only drew closer in the weeks to come. We got into some passionate and intimate time twice after during which, my boyfriend and i were having a rough patch to a point of breaking up. I told H that I was not able to continue seeing him as i felt uncomfortable with the situation. He retaliated by radio silence etc. I was so confused at this point. Then I heard from him and we carried on being friends as usual asking for my help as usual but, our relationship came from good to bad. He’s always angry and fighting with me. He then told me he has bipolar condition. So each time he lashes out, I bear this in mind and be forgiving and understanding. He promised that he would help me move out of boyfriend. December came and our relationship deteriorated. I was hurt and found myself in love with him and more determined to move out of my house. I broke up with my boyfriend a few times but he didn’t listen to me and carried on with our relationship as if he didn’t take me seriously. H and i still had contact but very limited during Christmas due to some stupid misunderstandings. I believed that when he thought I was leaving my ex, he got a bit scared and that’s why our relationship deteriorated. But when I told him I’m still with my boyfriend and wanted to work things out, he chased me.

By January, we started seeing each other again. We were intimate and our connection was stronger than ever. We were seeing each other in secret. I know what you might be thinking. I’m a bad person. I was honestly totally confused with my situation. In early March, my boyfriend proposed to me. This was all I ever wanted. I couldn’t face to tell H. I am in love with him but I feared he couldn’t give me what I wanted which is commitment. I am so lost and confused. But he makes me feel desirable and the fact that we had amazing sex and connection. Eventually, I told him my boyfriend proposed and that we can’t see each other anymore intimately. I was hoping he would confess his undying love for me and tell me I’m being stupid but instead, he congratulated me. Then, mid May, he used up a little innocent situation as an excuse for us to fall out. We argued over text and he said some very mean and hurtful things. I blocked him on FB messenger and WhatsApp. A week later I unblocked him only to find out he has blocked me on both too. 5 weeks later, last week, he unblocked me on both. I didn’t contact. But it was his birthday last Tuesday and I sent him a birthday card by post. He has not contacted me either.

I don’t know what to do. I love him and I feel he is my soul mate. Do I send him a message?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 9, 2017 at 7:16 pm

If you dont love your fiance, break up with him and have the courage to be independent whether you work things out with your best friend or not..

Star122

July 7, 2017 at 4:24 pm

I went no contact after 3 months of “friendship” and hoping that we’ll be back together…. on the day when I went no contact, we spoke on phone. I was crying and asked him to let me go as I’m hurting too much. He agreed and send me a text to take care. Since that there is no contact. Do I still have a chance to win him back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 9, 2017 at 6:40 pm

Since when was that? And how much are you improving yourself and being active in posting?

Viola

July 5, 2017 at 4:41 am

I was dishonest and realized late in the game how much I cared. I ended the relationship and came clean, but I hurt him. I don’t understand why he kept calling me every day and we talked for hours. I asked if he could forgive and potentially rekindle things in the future and he said yes, but we were both dealing with other things at the time. Now I don’t know if he meant it. I felt terrible about being dishonest, and I initiated text conversations instead of letting him do it. Eventually he started being more distant, but he continued to call me every night. I finally told him that I needed clarity and he said he wanted freedom. He called again the next day. I told him I respected his wishes and that I didn’t want to keep talking to him while I study for an exam. He said he would respect that.

It has been 21 days without contact. He has been posting mean, passive aggressive things on facebook, but also has posted things that relate to conversations we have had and things he knows I care about. Given the awkwardness of conversations I had with one of them, it is clear that he told mutual friends about what I did and that they are angry with me.

I don’t know that No Contact will work in this situation as he is definitely the type to want to “win the break up” and he hasn’t. He is used to having girls chase him after breakups. Additionally, he has every right to be angry with me. I keep telling myself that I’m crazy to think it’s possible that he would ever want to have anything to do with me again. It’s clear to me from his behavior that he is trying to get a rise out of me. Although we were amicable in our last conversation, his behavior makes me feel like he now hates me. It hurts.

I don’t know whether to keep going with NC or to reach out and try to calm the anger. It makes me sad that I caused him pain and it’s really hard to concentrate on studying for my very important exam while thinking about this. I’m trying to work on myself and let go, but I can’t seem to do it. What is he thinking and what should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 5, 2017 at 6:21 pm

If you’ve already apologized then right now stick to nc until he cools down because reacting to anger is not calming it, it’s rewarding it.

Janet

June 27, 2017 at 9:16 am

Hi, I have a question, what if my ex wanted me to move on? We’ve been together for several months. And lately he started to think he can’t give me what I wanted. I.e. attention, being nice and spend time etc. He was stressed and just broke up with me out of the blue, I didn’t feel it’s coming. Initially I became very emotional and demanded a closure, but he remained cold-hearted (no response) and then I texted yeah I understand, just want to see you happy. I don’t know why I have said this. Clearly he was a coward because he promised so much before I started to trust him. Since then I have stick to NC but still nothing. I constantly work on myself in a gym, social cycle, career etc. But I am scared if he sees I post nice and happy face on social media (even though I am dead inside) do you think these are just proofs to him I am fine and he can move on himself?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2017 at 4:15 pm

You mean he wants you to chase, be sad and desperate and then he’ll get back to you?

Elle

June 22, 2017 at 11:41 am

Just ended a 9 yrs relationship and started the no contact rule. We lived together for 5 yrs and 6 mos ago I moved away for medical school. He was supposed to come join me but became distant like someone else was I’m the picture then he finally stated that he is under a lot of stress managing bills without me and he need s break from the relationship to find himself and live his life but he wants to remain friends. I plan on going to get my things out our home in 5 weeks then permanently no contact. Is no contact effective right now when he knows that he will see me again in 5 weeks? Does it work on long distance relationships or are they easier for a man to over, like out of sight out of mind.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 23, 2017 at 8:08 pm

Start the no contact period as soon as you can, if you can get the things earlier that’s better. It’s ok if he will see you because of that, just don’t be emotional, don’t talk about feelings nor the relationship.

Sophie

June 22, 2017 at 7:46 am

Hi,
Me and my ex were together for 2 years, due to me having mental health problems it broke down, and he left me very out the blue.
It’s been 6 weeks since he has left me. I have been doing no contact, but he has text to come and collect his things (we lived together with a son) which I agreed to for this Friday…. what do I say/do when he arrives? He’s been very cold since the breakup but I want him back. I’m now receiving therapy for my health issues, and I want him to see that I am making these positive changes….. HELP 🙁

Sophie

June 26, 2017 at 9:43 pm

Thank you Amor,

He actually didn’t show up to collect his things, which I took as a positive! I didn’t contact him so initiated my first message (LC due to our son) today. I went for a little memory we had between us, he responded in a jokingly manner. I ended the conversation and will go for another text tomorrow…. so scared
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 23, 2017 at 7:54 pm

Just be calm and cool.. don’t talk about your feelings nor the relationship..

Emily

June 17, 2017 at 3:55 am

We dated for a few months and he broke up with me 3 weeks ago as he felt that it doesn’t feels right to be with me. He cares and still have love for me, but don’t want to continue with the relationship anymore. What if my ex was the one who suggested for no contact, and told me to do no contact as well in order to move on, so that in the future we can still be friends? He said he does not want to give me false hope and he has been sticking to his words up till today. He asked me to move on and find someone else. Will no contact still work here in this case?

Elle

June 22, 2017 at 4:03 pm

Indefinitely….until he finds himself.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 23, 2017 at 8:08 pm

that’s good.. start the no contact rule immediately. Be active in improving yourself and in posting, look like you’ve accepted the situation and you’re moving on.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 19, 2017 at 6:42 pm

how many days did he suggest?

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