Today we’re going to discuss the 5 keys to getting a commitment-phobic ex back, or more specifically, to getting a commitment-phobic ex actually to commit to you once and for all.
- Understand Why Your Ex Is A Commitment Phobe
- Outgrow Your Ex During A No Contact Rule
- Embrace The Interdependence Theory (Satisfaction, Alternatives, Investment)
- Learn About The Secure Attachment Gravity
- Employ Tactical Empathy In Conversations With Them
Let’s take a few moments and go through each one of these steps so you have a complete understanding of what we mean by them.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizKey #1: Understand Why Your Ex Is a Commitment-Phobe
There are a lot of different reasons people develop commitment-phobia.
Fear of losing their independence is one of the most common reasons we see in many people with avoidant attachment styles. Their biggest fear is no longer having freedom of self or the independence that comes with it, especially when the relationship gets deeper, more serious, and more emotional.
Then they may fear being used, which is another common thread in relationships these days.
It’s a nightmare for men, where they fear women dating them, getting pregnant on purpose, and roping them in for child support for over 18 years with limited access to the child. This will sound controversial, but this is something men actually consider when it comes to commitment-phobes.
Usually, they’ll project poor experiences they have had in the past or poor experiences with their own parents onto all their future relationships and perceptions of women.
The fear comes into play specially when they have become intimate with their ex and then they start worrying about being roped in and ‘losing their lives forever’.
Another reason behind most commitment-phobes is fear of rejection.
They have that one lost love that has had such a long-lasting, usually negative impact on their lives, making them project it onto every other person who enters their life in the romantic capacity. Rather than facing rejection, they would rather be the rejector.
Then we have people with idealized expectations.
This one is simpler to explain, as this describes people who become obsessed with the honeymoon period. They get used to things feeling good all the time, so they start naturally believing that things should be this way every single moment of every single day.
What happens here is that your ex was so engrossed by the idea of the honeymoon period that when the honeymoon period starts to diminish, they start to think that something is going wrong. Moreover, they think they are not in love anymore as their idealized expectations do not match reality anymore.
They are basing everything on a phase in the honeymoon period when we all know that the real part of relationships starts after that.
Lastly, we have other relationships traumatic experiences.
This is where they have had a bad experience in a past relationship, and now they grade every new person they date on this scale. They think you will treat them just like their ex treated them, and this is where commitment phobia comes into play.
They’d rather stay away than let themselves be heartbroken again.
The challenge here is to understand which of these categories your ex falls into, and once you get the hang of that, you can move into actionable steps to overcome this.
Key # 2: Outgrow Your Ex During A No Contact Rule
This may seem like we are getting a little off-topic, but you will understand this step in a bit. If this isn’t your first rodeo, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule, which is without a doubt our most talked about strategy.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHowever, we have noticed that everyone who talks about the no contact rule completely misses the point of the no contact rule.
Yes, the no contact rule or simply ignoring your ex for a certain period of time will make you look like you’re ‘playing hard to get’ and stimulate emotions within your ex where they try to reobtain the freedom of talking to you again. Psychologically too, it will make your ex miss you more.
However, the no contact rule is not all about making an ex miss you. More than anything, it should be about you getting into a state emotionally where you have outgrown your ex.
If you can get to this space emotionally, you will notice how your ex treats you differently when you eventually start talking to them again.
The big issue is that most people don’t outgrow their ex at all, especially if their ex is a commitment-phobe, since they want them to commit so badly. Yet, the irony is that the best way to make them commit may very well be in the fact that you need to get over them first before you approach them.
We will address this specifically when we discuss avoidant attachment styles, so put it on the back burner for now.
Key # 3: Embrace The Interdependence Theory
The interdependence theory helps us understand why human beings commit to one another.
This theory outlines that human beings commit to one another based on cost and benefit scenarios. As human beings, we are always trying to maximize the benefits of being with someone while minimizing costs.
Theoretically, if you can find someone with more benefits and less costs, you are likely to cut bait and run to this person.
The criteria where we grade these benefits and costs can be divided into 3 specific categories.
- Satisfaction: How satisfied we are in a relationship
- Alternatives: Is there a better alternative out there than ‘us’
- Investment: How much have we invested into this relationship (monetarily, emotionally)
Which out of these three categories matters the most?
Research indicates that even if you are extremely unsatisfied in a relationship and you start thinking you can find someone better, you are still likely to stay in the same relationship if you think you have invested a lot of time, money, and effort into the relationship.
Often, this is why people stay in marriages that they are very unhappy in because they feel they have invested so much and do not want to lose that time.
If you interview people like this and ask them why they’re still in a relationship with this person, and they say, ‘It’s because I don’t want it to be for nothing.’ We need to reverse analyze this because, ultimately, you have to focus on those 3 categories.
You want every interaction with your ex after the no contact rule to be satisfying, and if they’re satisfying, it leads to the alternative aspect, meaning if your conversations with your ex are extremely satisfying, then they will be at ease.
They will begin to think that there is no better alternative than you. However, the main thing you need to achieve is to gain a monopoly of your ex’s time.
If you succeed in doing this, i.e., your ex is now spending more time texting you and talking to you, all of a sudden, your value has risen more than anyone else, and the other things just take care of themselves. The secret to the interdependence theory is to create as much investment from your ex into you as possible.
Key # 4: Learn About The ‘Secure Attachment Gravity’
We are very big on attachment styles when it comes to helping our clients understand what is going on with their exes. If you are not familiar with attachment styles, it is the relationship you had with your parents in your child and how it impacts how you deal with others in your own romantic lives.
Generally, there are 4 attachment styles.
- Secure Attachment: The holy grail, where people are healthy and normal in their relationships.
- Anxious Attachment: People incredibly anxious after a breakup. They are most likely to blow up your phone, show up at your work, embarrass you. Their entire lives revolve around this relationship with you, and any threat to that makes them go berserk.
- Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment styles often feel right at home with commitment-phobes because they value their independence more than anything you can ever imagine. As a result, they tend to push people away when they feel that independence is being threatened.
- Fearful Attachment: The fearful attachment style combines the worst elements of an anxious person and an avoidant person. They usually have a pendulum shift between the two extremes. One minute their anxious, the next minute their avoidant, and the next minute anxious again. You are left wondering what is wrong with this person. The interesting thing about fearful attachment style is that only 7% of the entire human population has been diagnosed with fearful attachment styles. This means that it is highly unlikely that your commitment-phobic ex has a fearful attachment style. What’s more likely is that your commitment-phobic ex is avoidant.
We know that someone with an avoidant attachment style or someone who has a commitment phobia will not permit themselves to miss you until they feel you have completely moved on. If you understand this, you will probably connect the dots on why outgrowing your ex makes sense.
By outgrowing your ex, you are making your ex think that you do not want them back anymore so they can allow themselves to daydream about what life could have been like with you. This is when you want to start talking to them again.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow do you make someone with commitment phobia commit to you more and also ‘cure’ them?
This is where the secure attachment gravity comes into play. It is a concept that we have recently started to explore. The secure attachment style serves as the hero for all attachment styles, so when you pair up someone with a secure attachment style and an avoidant attachment style, with enough time, the avoidant attachment style will become susceptible to the secure attachment style’s tendencies.
It’s almost as if you are teaching them how to treat a human being in a relationship. They will slowly begin to mimic the secure attachment style tendencies. This does not happen overnight and can even take many years to happen, but it does exist.
The same theory can apply to fearful people and anxious people paired up with secure people. The smartest thing you can do is doubling down on understanding your own attachment style and shifting it towards a more secure attachment style.
We’re going to save you some time. If you are looking at this article or spending time on our website, you most likely have an anxious attachment style because these people value their relationship with their ex higher than anyone else.
Our research can back this up as close to 90% of our clients have anxious attachment styles, whereas their exes have avoidant attachment styles. Since you have more anxious tendencies, it is best to shift them towards secure tendencies that will make your ex look at you as a whole new person. Your secure attachment will mean that eventually, your ex will begin to take up some of those secure tendencies themselves.
Key # 5: Employ ‘Tactical Empathy’ In Conversations With Them
People who have avoidant tendencies and/or are commitment-phones tend to think that the world does not understand them.
As a result of this, they do not even bother to explain why they are doing things. However, you can employ tactical empathy by repeating their own worldview to them.
This bridges the gap and makes that person stop and say, ‘you really do get me.’
Tactical empathy not only gives you brownie points but allows them to open up about how they really feel. The only way to get a commitment-phobe actually to commit to you is if they can talk to you, communicate, and feel safe.
The key is that if you can use tactical empathy, understand their worldview, and repeat it back to them, they will feel safer around you.
A good example is you know a commitment-phobe who is afraid of losing their independence and saying to them, ‘I know you feel like being with me is going to cause you not to be able to go out with your friends or have fun, but I can assure you it won’t’. This will make them stop and think about how you’re right, it’s true, and how they are afraid of it.
This will allow them to blossom more, and you will learn more about them. Now, it will not make them commit to you right away – none of the things in this article will make them commit to you right away – but they are steps in the right direction. A combination of these methods will do the trick and make your commit-phobic ex commit to you.
Conclusion
Getting a commitment-phobic person out of their shell is not an easy task at hand, but you can do it through the various methods we have covered. It is pivotal that you follow these steps and apply them carefully. The 5 major keys are:
- Understanding why and what type of commitment-phobe your ex is
- Outgrowing your ex in a no contact rule
- Embracing the interdependence theory (Satisfaction, Alternatives, and Investment)
- Learning about the ‘Secure Attachment Gravity’
- Employing ‘Tactical Empathy’
Through these steps, not only will you make your commitment-phobic ex commit to you, but you will also go through self-discovery and find out how you can push yourself towards a more secure attachment style.
Nay
October 6, 2021 at 10:04 pm
Hi, so basically me and a guy were dating
For a year. He was so into me for first six months but then he started pulling away going I am not ready for commitment , don’t know what I feel for you but I really like u. So our relationship went on and off for couple of months saying I need break, then I need time. And now recently he blocked me and is like I tried I don’t have feelings for you and I don’t like you. Is there a way to win him back?? He never said he loved me or have said want u to b my girlfriend but never asked.
Maggie
August 28, 2020 at 11:53 pm
Hi.
My and my husband just got separated. I think he has commitment issues. We got married in Feb this year 2020 and he lost his mind after 2 months. I saw him talking on the phone with a mother women. So we fight and he ask me for a breake. I gave him a break. But after 6 wk he was still confounded. So we desired to separate.
He says he does love me but he need to be alone now.
I don’t know what to do any more. I want to get back with him. We’ve been together for 5years.
Rachel
April 18, 2020 at 1:03 am
After a few dates, the guy I was dating (10 years older than me) had to leave for a few months on a work trip. While he was gone, we facetimed a lot and then decided we would continue forward with each other. He had been through a divorce over a year ago, so I wanted to address that making sure he was good for a relationship before we began–he confirmed he was as he had been in counseling to stop putting blame on himself (all sounding very mature and I was surprised how vulnerable he was being with me). As time went on, facetime decreased, then phone calls, then texts. I brought it up a few times and he apologized for how difficult it was when he wanted breaks after long work days and didn’t feel like reaching out. It didn’t make sense to me that he couldn’t send me even a quick text at the end of the day and I brought that up again a few weeks before he was coming home. He got really upset saying he couldn’t handle the immaturity. I expressed my frustration that me wanting to hear from him was not immature. I reached out a few days later saying I wanted to understand why it was so hard for him and that we could talk when he got home. We went on a date when he got back and it was really nice. I tried bringing up the problem and he said he didn’t want to then. When we left, he asked to see me over the weekend and I told him to let me know when. He never did. I asked him about it the next week and he apologized saying he was busy with helping his parents and friend. Since we work together, I saw him every day. But he continuously said he promised things to his friends and didn’t have too much time outside of work. Interactions at work were good, but definitely not enough. We went on one lunch date and then finally another real date a few weeks later–which, again, was a really good date where he shared a lot of personal things with me. Waiting to plan another date, I realized how our conversations were hot and cold and asked about it and he said he didn’t notice. After a month and a half of no dates, I called him out on it (texting because we haven’t been able to meet in person) saying it seemed like we weren’t trying to date anymore. He said if that’s what I wanted. I told him it wasn’t, but I was basing it off of his actions of not going on dates. He mentioned again that he gets really busy and has a lot going on. I said I knew that but me wanting to date him meant I wanted to see him. I asked what he wanted and he didn’t say anything back. I saw him at work and was ignoring him because I was frustrated that he was disrespecting me. I don’t want to be immature about it, but I don’t want him to think I will just be waiting around hoping he will want me. We have to talk about us and I know I need that to consider dating him–it’s annoying that I know he’s capable of it, because he did it in the past, so I am holding on to that hope that he’ll want to do it again. His divorce is making me think he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship like he thought and as soon as he felt like I wanted to amp up our relationship, he began to put up boundaries and then go hot and cold. I’m just very lost in what to do…
Cameron
February 19, 2020 at 9:31 pm
I dated my ex twice in the last year. The first time when I met him he broke it off out of the blue after 3 months. I was taken by surprise as things were going so well. We went our separate ways. Throughout the next 9 months I reached out here and there checking in. He never texted first…until one day we started talking more again. We rekindled our relationship and it was very different this time around. I decided to give it another chance not understanding why the break up happened. We were on a deeper level and no longer just surface Kind of stuff. He was the one slowly moving things along and I just went with the flow being sure not to push anything. I was still nervous from last time and unsure if he would run again out of no where. Around the 3 month mark I started to feel him doing the same thing but never said anything. He seemed to always come back around on his own. But it was no longer steady it was always back and forth with how I felt he felt about me. When we hit 5 months he did it again. This time the break up was in person and we both cried a lot. He started with excuses and assured me I did nothing wrong. He eventually said he just isn’t capable of keeping a relationship. He’s tried. I’m hurt knowing if I never reach out to him again I won’t ever hear from him. I haven’t contacted him at all and honestly don’t know if I will ever be ready again. I feel like the hope I had last time is gone. Is there any hope he will realize he misses me and he will want that over being alone right now? We had something special he agreed.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 28, 2020 at 9:09 pm
Hi Cameron so he clearly has an issue with being in a long term relationship even if its just fear of commitment of sorts. I would work on yourself to become Ungettable and allow him to see this better version of yourself and if he tries to come back then you need to make him work harder for the relationship, don’t give him any intimacy unless you are offical, make him take you on a few days and space it out over a matter of weeks to couple of months before you are “together” again
Clarity
November 7, 2019 at 9:49 pm
Well, I know this is an older article, so I’m not sure if I’ll get a reply. I was dating this guy since mid April. It had it’s ups and downs, but there were definitely sparks. There was a deep connection. Anyway, he told me how he has issues with commitment in late May. I backed off and he stepped up big time. I even went with him to meet his mom in another state in July. However, there is clearly an issue with him mother b/c the visit was a disaster. He was very argumentative with us both. We came back home and it hasn’t been good. We started to make progress in September and then I don’t hear from him after birthday in early October. He is going through a lot of stress at work. It’s like he’s completely shut down b/c he’s not even on social media. I tried to call him a week after I didn’t hear from him and left no voicemail. He has not been in contact, so I’m definitely not reaching out. Will this time apart bring him closer? I’m just not sure what to think.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 8, 2019 at 9:20 pm
Hi there, so giving him the No Contact period is going to give him a chance to miss you, but you need to put in the work to be the ungettable girl in that time so when you reach out to him youre going to show him how much he is missing out on and how amazing you are. So make sure you read some ungettable girl posts and do the work that is needed, he may be fear of commitment (which means you need to make things seem like theyre his ideas to get back together, or making further commitments) and make sure you are so ungettable that he cant help but ask you to come back to him.
Elizabeth
July 23, 2019 at 2:08 am
Hi there! My boyfriend and I were dating for a 1.5 years, and we broke up a little over a month ago, and he told me he didn’t want to break up, that I’m his favorite person in the world, and I’m the best person he’s ever met (which he told me over and over the course of our relationship). He voiced his commitment issues to me (about his fear of not being able to be faithful – about part of him wanting to chase cheap relationships – but he said that he was always and would always be faithful to me as long as we were together), but said that he thought I was the one and (to my friends as well, not just to me) and that he sees us married with kids and happy (he said I love you first after 3 months in of dating, and he was the one to bring up marriage around 4-5/6 months) and so he was willing to work on it…). His friends even though we were on the track to getting married. But, he but he gets back from a trip out of the country to Uganda to think about things with life (and us – also, we had been not meeting each other at the same level of commitment), and he breaks down weeping… and tells me he doesn’t want to break up, but that he doesn’t see another way… that he has a lot to figure out and it’s not fair for me to be around while he does this because it could take him a long time. That night, in the discussion, he eventually asks if we can date casually so there’s not so much pressure, if we could be friends, and finally (after I had said no) if we could be in an open relationship (all to which I said no). I told him if he wanted to date other people, he had to let me go. He wept (deep soul weeping, sobbing) and said he didn’t want to let me go, but that he thinks a part of him needs to “chase” casual relationships but he’s not sure if that’s what he really wants, but that the desire is there. Needless to say, I told him to not contact me until he works out what he wants. He hasn’t. I did need some closure, so I emailed him a week ago (once we had been broken up for a month) and let him know that it was devaluing to me and that I saw him on Bumble with our pictures on Instagram attached to his profile, and on Hinge with him & I as the featured first picture + his Instagram attached as well, and how it said he was seeking something “casual”. Also I expressed directly how devaluing it was to have your “favorite person” ask their “favorite person” to be in an open relationship – that I didn’t know if it was out of desperation to keep me in his life or what, but that I was shocked that he proposed that to me when he knew that wasn’t the type of person I was. I can send you the email response and more details about the breakup… He said that if his confidence in himself to be faithful to be were increasing rather than decreasing over the time we were together he would have continued dating me. Honestly, in his email responses he just didn’t seem to care!!! He told me that I deserved 100% commitment and that he’s not the kind of man I deserve and wishes me the best and thanked me for making me a better person during our time together; he also wished me the best personally and professionally. He was cold, distant, and completely detached in his language… I went and unfollowed him on Instagram and unfriended him on Facebook, archived our pictures, and he unfollowed me on Instagram in under 5 minutes… Before I did this, he was at the top of my Instagram stories, which means that he was stalking my profile (according to the research I’ve seen about Instagram). It’s been over a month (5 weeks, 2 days) and he hasn’t erased any of our pictures on his social media (the top 6 pictures of his Instagram are of us) and his Facebook profile picture is still of us too. What is going on…?
The first time we broke up (in March – I broke up with him because he was feeling “overwhelmed”, but when I asked him if he still felt that way last month he said no – that he didn’t feel overwhelmed anymore and hadn’t for some time). Back to the breakup in March, at that time, he chased me and called me and texted me… this time, nothing except one Instagram message saying congrats on a huge career milestone, and 2 Instagram picture likes. I’m not sure what’s going on but it feels like he’s purposefully trying to hurt me or just doesn’t care and has moved on already. Help!!!
Rachel C.
January 29, 2019 at 2:59 am
Hi Everone so I was dating a friend of mine for 2 months, had all the signs of commitment phobia, people started drama to put ideas in my head which made me insecure, to make a long story short, between his fear of commitment which I didn’t know about, and my insecurities, one day he left in the most screwy way possible, made up lies and then bounced, I flipped out and blew up his phone for like 2 days. I now know the reason he left even tho he didn’t tell me himself. Is there a way to win him back. I stopped messaging him completely. Before that he blocked me on everything, and said I was stalkerish (not true – only contacted his mom to make sure he was ok) and clingy (just expecting relationship things he wasn’t ready for) and controlling (total opposite just asked for communication) Im trying to win him back and help him to see its ok to commit. Is it possible? How do I do it??? Thanks
Meredith
April 23, 2018 at 1:34 am
My ex and I were together just over 18 months. We talked about marriage pretty consistently and I eventually gave him an ultimatum, propose by Easter or we’re done. I didn’t feel secure in the relationship because there were days when I definitely felt like we were working toward marriage and other days when he would say something to make it apparent that he was not thinking along those lines at all.
I asked him if he wanted to marry and and he said, “I don’t know” at one point and “Maybe” at another point. There were many times when I asked him what he wanted from the relationship and I don’t remember ever getting a solid answer.
I know he loves me, I just don’t know if the commitment issue is too great. We became exclusive after 3 weeks of dating, I met his family within 2 months of dating and he said “I love you” within 3 months of dating. When he bought a house, he made sure it was close to a church so we could walk together and that it had a fenced in backyard for my dog.
He clearly sees me in his future, but I don’t know if it is a tangible one. I’ve tried doing no contact without success for the past month. We had 2 text conversations the week after we broke up in which he stated “we need to be broken up for awhile” and “you ended it, so its over, but we need to decide if we want to start again”.
I reached out again and left him a message asking him to call me when he was free, I tried to be cheery and upbeat and now have no response.
I’m restarting no contact, but I’m wondering if its even worth it because I don’t want to be in the same position as before, in which he wants to be with me but can’t commit to a real future.
How would I be able to have proof of that?
Chris Seiter
April 23, 2018 at 5:19 am
Meredith…some guys are adverse to making commitments for lots of reasons. I think some space in the form of NC will help shine a little more light on what he really wants and values. Absence of a person we care and love can help create more value for that person and a greater desire to be with that person. If you get back together, consider trying a different tack. Don’t talk about marriage. If he brings it up, make a little joke. Tell him you are not so sure given all the good looking guys out there. It seems maybe a contrarian approach might be worthwhile effort. Some guys just don’t like feeling forced about things, so they will fight it. But when something is withheld from them, they will want it more.
I realize this may not align with your thinking, but its worth considering.
Amy
April 21, 2018 at 11:43 pm
My ex and I had been together for three years. He broke up with me last year January and I managed to get him back with 30days no contact rules. Yesterday I broke up with him because he told me he never plan to be married. He doesn’t want to commit .can this 30days nc works for the second time. He said he wants me but he cant commit. Should I move on, or should I give try one more time with nc ?
Chris Seiter
April 22, 2018 at 12:41 am
Hi Amy…3 years is a good amount of time and if those times have been largely positive, then I think it would be a mistake to move on. Yes, NC can work again, particularly since you initiated the breakup. Right now, you are probably angry and resentful for his lack of commitment. You guys are going to have to talk about this topic with emotion sometime in the future and seek to get on the same page as to why he feels the way he does. Perhaps he will start to see now that he risks losing you forever.
Chris Seiter
April 22, 2018 at 12:41 am
Hi Amy…3 years is a good amount of time and if those times have been largely positive, then I think it would be a mistake to move on. Yes, NC can work again, particularly since you initiated the breakup. Right now, you are probably angry and resentful for his lack of commitment. You guys are going to have to talk about this topic with emotion sometime in the future and seek to get on the same page as to why he feels the way he does. Perhaps he will start to see now that he risks losing you forever.
Amy
April 22, 2018 at 6:27 am
thank you so much for the advice.ive read your book Since last year and hope it works for me again this time.
Tina
October 31, 2017 at 3:19 am
Hi I’ve been in a relationship with a guy like this. When we first got together exclusively, it was a lot for him to adjust to being in a commmited relationship. He needed his space sometimes and use to back up from intimacy if he didn’t get his space. Like he was finding ways not to get close. Eventually he just broke up with me 6 months into the relationship. He said that he couldn’t be himself in the relationship and it’s seemed like he couldn’t make me happy. He stayed away for me for 3 months, he wouldn’t respond to my text or calls.
I eventually stopped and once he saw me it triggered him to think
Of me and eventually started reaching out but I ignored him for 2 weeks because I was upset with him and he eventually found his way back in. Once he came back he was doing great until we had a few disagreements and one was a deal breaker and he just left again after 5 months with the silent treatment again. Answering no text or calls now for 2 weeks so far. I do not know how to take this. Don’t want this to become a cycle.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 1, 2017 at 6:56 pm
Hi Tina,
Check this one:
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Ghosted You
Rebecca
October 26, 2017 at 11:46 pm
Hi
About 4years sho I had an on off casual relationship with a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship and when we stopped seeing each other got with a crazy girl who had been on the scene during the time we had been on and off. We didn’t speak for a couple of years then last summer became friends again and spent some great times as friends. About 5 months ago we started sleeping with each other and about 3 months ago i asked him what was happening with us. He wouldn’t commit to being boyfriend and girlfriend so we carried on. Recently the sex dried up and we’ve now stopped seeing each other as of 4 days ago. He says he’s happier single as he can do what he wants when he wants and doesn’t have to think about whether he’s hurting someone else and says I need to concentrate on myself as he can’t give me 100% like I can him. I’m in love with him whereas he says he’s never been in love with anyone before. He’s had a tough year and I’ve been there for him and I do think he’s a little depressed. A lot of what you’ve said above rings true for him. The last 4 days he has been the one initiating contact via text. I want him back and want him to see that committing isn’t that bad. Please help, this man is so important to me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 30, 2017 at 2:41 pm
Hi Rebecca,
Check this one:
EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
Evelyn
October 10, 2017 at 12:16 pm
Hi,
Me and my ex were together for 15 months. We broke up after a fight bc I felt like I wasn’t a priority. We have had a couple of small fights do to communication problems. After our fight he went silent so I took that as a breaking up with me. I told him I would come get my stuff and I did. After that he sent me a couple of messages saying he really care about me but he feels like he can’t give me what I except. Some more messages and we decided to not break up but to take a break. I told him if I understand him correctly he feels like I don’t appreciate his efforts even thou I do. Told him why I felt hurt during our last fight and how I could have told him in a better way then to attack him with my words.
He told me that it was not just that, but that we could talk about it next week when he is back from work. He also asked me how I was doing and that he missed me.
I’m so nervous to talk to him, I’m afraid he ends it. What should I do from here on? Is there any hope for us?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2017 at 3:33 pm
Hi Evelyn,
Check this one:
How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming
Kay
June 12, 2017 at 8:07 am
My ex broke up with me a month and a half ago and we’ve been NC since the break-up. I loved him, he couldn’t say it back, and we were best friends when we started dating. I met his family, and he broke up with me a week before we were supposed to meet my family. I have been hearing from friends that he is still having a hard time, and he has been going on dates (nothing serious, just group dates with his friends). We were very happy together and never fought, but he broke up with me because he said he still didn’t know if he loved me, and he said he didn’t see a future with me. He said he couldn’t explain it, but he couldn’t ever see himself marrying me or anything. He was really excited to meet my family 3 days before breaking up (and a little nervous), and there was no warning of a breakup coming. He was struggling knowing if he loving me, but he acted like he loved me.
Kay
June 12, 2017 at 8:10 am
I was wondering, is there anything I can do to get him back? Should I keep NC and hope he contacts me soon? What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 14, 2017 at 10:22 am
How much did you improve and how active were you in posting?
James K
June 10, 2017 at 8:15 am
Hello Amor.
I have met this girl from a dating website. She is an outdoors person with a history of very short relationships. She is a serious commitment phobe. We started dating and all went perfectly well. We had nothing to complain about. She left me after a month telling me that she is scared that she will hurt me or that she will definitely hurt me. After long talks we got back together, this time things were even better. She longs for comfort, love, security and interaction but she is terrified. She tells me that she is not feeling the spark although the spark is there because I can see and feel it but is covered with thoughts and anxiety and told me that she doesn’t see a future with me. I am not sure you can know that after 3 – 4 months when you love doing everything together. She said that she likes everything about me and the small negative things don’t even compare. Now she left me again and brought the excuse that she wants to be single. I pushed a little and she got upset so I stopped. I know I should run away but I don’t want too.
James K
June 28, 2017 at 6:41 pm
No we don’t live together and we don’t speak. She never contacted me again. She said she wanted to be single and she wants time to study before she left me and now I saw her back on a dating app.
James K
June 28, 2017 at 4:59 pm
I closed her chat so I cannot see her but now I saw her back on the same dating site we met on. She said she wanted to be single and she had to study so I guess that was all lies.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 28, 2017 at 5:27 pm
Answer only about the important matter, like co parenting or money or stuff that cant be wait to be exchanged but not the how are yous, what are you doing, relationship nor feelings topics
James K
June 24, 2017 at 11:51 am
What do you mean by ‘answer only about that’?
James K
June 23, 2017 at 6:00 pm
And what about when the 30 days are over and she contacts me? Or she contacts me before that via social media?
Do I act cold? Do I act friendly?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 23, 2017 at 9:53 pm
if she contacts you during nc and asks how you are, don’t reply. If it’s a very important matter, answer only about that. You can initiate contact after nc, so that you can slowly rebuild rapport
James K
June 15, 2017 at 4:13 pm
A week now. She disappeared anyway.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 16, 2017 at 7:15 pm
start the count of nc now, do at least 30..make it seem like you’re just moving on through your posts
James K
June 14, 2017 at 11:23 am
About a week ago Amor
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 14, 2017 at 5:54 am
hi Jsmes k,
When was all this?
Shan
June 9, 2017 at 11:46 pm
Can no contact get you out the friend zone. I am super confident this man loves me, he has said many times that he adores me and he even uses me as reference when he speaks women’s conferences telling them they should be like me as I am the “perfect” woman yet he says he wants to keep things as friendship as he is focused on his career and ministry (we are Christians). He flirts heavily, we are best friends and he says he plans to have me in his life forever. I brought up the commitment convo and he said he’s not thinking along that line now. I started NC the day after that convo by leaving him hanging in a subsequent convo. He has described me as a Lamborghini in the world of women
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 13, 2017 at 7:55 pm
yeah, it can help increase your chances
Sarah
June 6, 2017 at 10:24 am
Hi,
I did the NC and he came back saying he was so sorry and he wants nothing more than to get me back. I felt really apprehensive about the situation as he panicked when we started to get serious last time (because of a bad past relationship) so I was a little stand offish. Because of that he has said I’m hard to read and I’m not affectionate- he has now gone distant and we havent spoken in a week.
He does have a lot going on in his personal life at the moment so I know I need to be careful by how I act but I am getting hurt and dont know what to do? I feel like I have lost him again.
Any advice would be appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 9, 2017 at 12:06 pm
Hi Sarah,
check this one too:
My Ex Boyfriend Won’t Commit To Me
Mariona
May 30, 2017 at 8:06 am
Hello! What to do if ” the no contact rule” doesn’t work? And you fell hopeless? After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 30, 2017 at 7:50 pm
well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?
dolly
May 29, 2017 at 11:27 pm
Please help
dolly
May 30, 2017 at 8:47 am
After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 30, 2017 at 7:53 pm
well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?
Chris Seiter
May 30, 2017 at 12:02 am
What do you need help with?
Astrid
May 13, 2017 at 9:57 pm
I’m so confused. I did indifferent and no contact and I dropped the crazy. We reconnected (I got a little verbally anxious right off the bat still trying to reign it in but it’s difficult with our past). He’s got me in casual dating zone now ffs. He says he wants to see how it goes. I thought great… let’s just live in the moment and enjoy each other. Come to find out he is going to be camping all summer (weekends) with mutual friends and I can’t come because he daughter doesn’t want him to date anyone yet (ridiculous I think she did say it but I also think it is an excuse) and he doesn’t want anyone to mention me around her etc. Wtf is going on here. We have been through hell and back for seven years. He’s been awful I’ve been crazy. This article is him to a tee right down to childhood trauma and a abandonment issues his Mum gave him up at age 4. I love this man. We cannot stay away from each other and I cam never stop running my mouth with anxiety shit I ruin every interaction but I am afraid. He just wants me to chill out and enjoy it but all I can think about is the impending loss of him. What should I be doing here??? I don’t feel like a priority but when I leave he wants me back. I don’t think he knows the damn answers to this. I’m so frustrated!! And dating other guys I just sit there and wish it were him.. Ugh. Should I just chill and enjoy it? Shut the hell up about commitment?? He drives me nuts and he says the same about me!! But we’re perfect when together. Perfect. I’m so frustrated!! Lol
Anna
May 18, 2017 at 4:44 pm
Hello Astrid!
I am dealing with the same issues and its driving me nuts! I have never dealt with anything like this before. My problem is I love him and we always seem to come back together. I can’t keep dealing with this emotional roller coaster cause it hurts to bad. I would enjoy to chit chat with you if you are interested?!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 14, 2017 at 4:23 pm
then play it right… be casual with him too.. don’t invest more than what he invests
Taryn
May 13, 2017 at 7:34 pm
I met my significant other online, he was always afraid of commitment and doesn’t like using labels, he just said we are dating. At first I was content with just dating exclusively and then I fell in love with him. I have met his family and we do almost everything together. I love him and he has said it to me once and then took it back, telling me that he really cares for me and even cried to me a few times about how he isn’t ready for a committed relationship, but he loves me in a different way. Thursday he made me upset because he decided to go to the ale house while I was waiting on his laundry, but of course he didn’t tell me until I called him. Then his demeanor changed and he said that he just wanted to go by himself and when we finally got to his house he was like I just want to be single. He can never tell me these things unless he has liquid courage and he said that he doesn’t want to lose me either because we have a lot in common and he enjoys our time together. Then he asks me to stay over and I was so hurt that I said friends don’t have sleepovers and I grabbed all my things out of his room and left. He called me the next day at work and apologized and said that we should talk when he hasn’t been drinking. I responded with I didn’t want to discuss things while I was at work. My gf from work had a very similar situation and did the 30 day no contact rule and said they are better than ever. Do you think I should implement the no contact rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 14, 2017 at 4:10 pm
Yep, you should try it.