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Jamie
July 23, 2013 at 6:11 am
Hi Chris – first of all, what a fantastic site – thank you for putting so much effort into helping us ladies 🙂
(Sorry for the length of my story..)
My ex broke up with his then-gf to be with me. We fell hard in love and had 2 perfect yrs, heading towards marriage. In the last few mos, I’ve been going through unemployment depression. Another factor to mention: I’m abstinent (something that he said he was ok with from the get-go). My ex has a past of cheating and as a result, I told him to never let that happen with us. A few mos after we started dating, he lied to me about being in friendly contact with his ex-gf, but did end up cutting her off. However, from that point on, I checked his phone. I found that one of his female coworkers was frequently texting him. I didn’t want him to know I saw these texts so I just told him he should keep some distance from her because she seemed to like him. A year ago, he assured me it wasn’t a problem. In the last few mos, I noticed a change in his behavior with me. He told me that it was coming from frustration from the lack of sex, but said it was ok and that he’d deal with it. I assumed it was also from our mutual frustration of my job situation. A month ago, I caught him sexting with that coworker. He told me that nothing physical had happened, but that the sexting had been occurring for 2 mos. Initially, he blamed his behavior on the lack of sex. After much thought, I decided I was willing to work through the probs and even potentially break my abstinence for him IF he could rebuild the trust. He said no to this saying he had been through this rebuilding phase in his previous relationship and knew that he couldn’t handle the absence of sex any longer. Yet at the same time, didn’t want to break up. I asked him if he wanted to throw away this relationship over &*%. That’s when he dropped the bombshell that he realized he doesn’t love me the same any more. He said it was due to my depression, my lack of motivation/focus, my lack of independence, that I was too close to my family, my abstinence, and that I was not the girl I used to be. I pointed out that nearly all of these “faults” were the result of my temporary bad situation, not inherent character incompatibilities. He also mentioned that he was, in fact, NOT ready to get married or have kids in the near future. I was blindsided/devastated that he’d never communicated the severity of any these issues with me and was ready to give up on us, without giving me a chance to address anything beforehand.
It’s been 2 wks and I am in a NC period. During that last convo, he said he had “faith that destiny would bring us back together again.” He also mentioned that he has serious internal issues to deal with (i.e. dishonesty, selfishness, communication).
He wanted to make sure we weren’t going to be totally out of touch thereafter, but I told him that I wouldn’t initiate contact and that if he wanted to reach out, he could and I would decide whether I wanted to reach back (he has not reached out yet). As I’ve reflected on our relationship, I definitely see major probs with our lack of communication and how I could have been more positive about my job issues. I feel blamed for our breakup, but I’m not convinced that he doesn’t love me, as I know I was the only girl he’s ever entertained a married future with. This repeated behavior of turning to an outside “distraction” when things get tough is so troubling. He is a very intelligent and logical person, so his actions are very confusing and uncharacteristic.
What’s really behind his behavior and/or what really went wrong? Was it the *&^ issue? Was it feelings for this other girl? Was it him not being ready to settle down and getting scared? Or was it really me?
Do we even have a chance of reconciling – is it even worth it? I believed him to be the love my life and I know for a long time, he felt that way about me.
Thanks in advance for any advice/clarity 🙂
admin
July 24, 2013 at 4:41 am
Hi Jamie,
I think all of what you said there contributed to the breakup. It doesn’t mean you can’t get him back it just boils down to if you want him back at all.
What are you doing during NC to improve yourself?
Jamie
July 24, 2013 at 5:09 pm
Hi – thanks for the response!
I do want him back bc I’m still in love with him. Right now, I’m working on getting my old self back and even sought out therapy. From a guy’s POV, do you see him even wanting to reconcile given the damage done and the amount of work it would take to get back on track? Also, since I told him I would not initiate contact, how does that affect this NC period – should I just wait, regardless of the amount of time elapsed?
Thanks 🙂
admin
July 25, 2013 at 2:23 am
Hi Jamie,
I don’t think I am going to answer your question perfectly but here is what I think you need to do to get him back. Do a no contact period! 30 full days. In that time you are going to have to work to evolve into something he would want back. Go to the homepage and read the post I recently posted (even thought its for women with children.) Read about the ungettable girl I talk about there. That is what you need to become.
Sandra
July 23, 2013 at 3:53 am
Hi Chris,
I didn’t contact my ex for 3 weeks and then he started to “like” three of my photos on facebook. I then waited three days then “liked” a photo of his. Then two days later I sent in facebook messenger. I don’t think I did it exactly as you describe but he chatted back immediately and asked heaps of questions. I hadn’t read your article yet and I ended the conversion with “It was nice to chat to you’ (I know I now should have said “It am off to ….”
He did although chat “I’ve enjoyed chatting to you”
I waited another week and then text him a “I was bowling and came second. I remember you beat me too”
He texted back to this straight away. I threw in a few other comment. I sensed that he was not as chatty as last time and said I am off to bed to end.
Thinking that at this stage he should contact me if he was interested. I left it and have not contacted him again.
He just recently “liked” a post of me out at a club on facebook. I have not contacted him.
What do you think is going on? What should I do next if I want him back?
admin
July 24, 2013 at 3:42 am
It looks like you are liking eachothers photos. You might benefit by reading this entire article but specifically the texting situations so you know how to contact him correctly.
Sandra
July 23, 2013 at 5:00 am
Also do you advise to stay friended on facebook or do you unfriend.
admin
July 24, 2013 at 3:45 am
Stay friended. I wrote a whole post about it here: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-definitive-guide-to-using-facebook-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back/
Stephanie
July 23, 2013 at 3:38 am
So I’m taking a bit of a different approach. We broke up because he has sever depression (as do I) and it was getting to him and he felt like it wasn’t fair to me. I agreed and he ended up staying over two extra nights. We broke up on a VERY positive note, however, he told my friend he’s afraid of contacting me because he doesn’t want to “bring me down” It’s almost been two weeks and when he hangs out with my mutual friend I plan to give him a little gift.
I’m an artist. I drew him a picture with a quote from his favorite tv show (dr. who). “One will tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel.” Anywho he had a hobby of collecting 4 leaf clovers and I (being a clutz) dropped his notebook he kept them in and they flew away..well I went out and picked him new ones 🙂 I plan on making a homemade book with the picture I drew as the cover (I cut up a hardcover book and plan to decoupage the pic on it) with the clovers inside and a youtube link to a video I made him of when we first met (a memory that always made us smile). Herse the video if you’d like to see it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr0lZeeKNds&feature=c4-overview&list=UU85_Qhvm9c3R0xYzCaOxlFg
It’s been 2 weeks no contact and I feel this will be a good way to say “I don’t hate you, I love you so remember these good times” then plan on waiting maybe two weeks and just saying “Hey, text me sometime to play a game of league with me. No ones as good of a support as you are.”
*League of legends is a game we play. Fighting game. Whatya think?
admin
July 24, 2013 at 3:40 am
Hmm… First off, cool video!
Secondly, I think maybe your in one of those situations where right now giving him that gift is not a bad idea. Here is what I would tell you though. See how he reacts to that, if he reacts negatively you should try going NC for a month after that.
Lola
July 22, 2013 at 6:00 pm
So I should probably just move on judging from the results I’m getting from my ex but I want your personal opinion on the situation. We didn’t talk for about 3 weeks. (yea, I didn’t last a month) But I texted him and he replied and it was a friendly conversation about how we were doing and he said he missed me and immediately invited me out for lunch with him. We did go out for lunch the next week and it went great. All our inside jokes were brought up, we hugged, laughed, had a great time. He texted me first that night and the next few times we talked. But then one time we were texting he asked if I missed him and I said yes. He freaked out on me saying I need to move on, get a new boyfriend cause I can’t care about an awful person like him anymore. Then a week later we texted again like good friends and about nothing serious, just funny conversation. The next week I was getting messages every day like “I miss you”, “I want you back”, “I know I want to be with you but now is not the right time”, “my life is a mess but I want you in it sometime”, “I want you in my arms now”. So After a week of that I agreed to go over to his place. I spent the night and yes we basically acted like we were dating again. But after that happened he completely ignored me the next few days. 4 days later I asked what that night was all about and he said “Forget about it. It meant nothing. It was just pure physical and meant nothing to me emotionally. That’s the way it has to be.” But since this conversation he hasn’t talked to me. Its been almost 2 weeks. It’s like he’s cut off communication. Do I just let him go? Or did he mean any of the stuff he said before? (sorry this is so long)
admin
July 23, 2013 at 3:10 am
It’s not long at all Lola.
Is he bipolar or something because he is literally acting like it.
Umm… I have a sneaking suspiscion that your ex is a player? Am I right? I could be wrong but usually guys who want only one thing do stuff like that (say one thing and then take it back.)
Lola
July 23, 2013 at 7:53 am
I guess you could call him a player. He only thinks about women. But for 9 months that was me. But now he’s been posting statuses on facebook like “all i desire is a beautiful woman.” And obviously he doesn’t want that one to be me? I don’t get it. I told him that it’s hard on me when he changes his mind every second and he said he knows and that he’s not trying to hurt me, he just is caught between “what’s right” and “what he wants.”
admin
July 24, 2013 at 3:59 am
Ok, I am just going to give you my opinion straight up. Players aren’t good for the long haul. If you are looking to get in a relationship that lasts for a long time. I don’t think this guy will be the key for you.
Lola
July 24, 2013 at 6:39 pm
Ok. Thanks for your opinion. I’ve really been doing better with the break up recently too. Just one more question…he said he could see us dating in a year (when his craving to party is over and when his life is less a mess.) Should I just completely disregard that idea and what he said? I don’t know if I can believe anything he says anymore at this moment based on his indecisiveness.
admin
July 25, 2013 at 2:27 am
I have a question for you. Now, I don’t want you to take offense to this at all BUT if a famous swimsuit model came up to your ex and said “I want you to be my boyfriend.” Do you think he would accept her? I think he would.
So, I don’t think you can believe the whole “I need to get my life in order” stuff.
Erika
July 22, 2013 at 5:51 pm
You probably don’t get many people who up-date you afterwards (or maybe you do), and I was pretty sure that I had lost all hope after he sent me an email saying he was sticking to his decision to breakup with me. But, after I had read everything you said on here, I was able to get my boyfriend back. Thanks so much, Chris!
admin
July 23, 2013 at 3:05 am
Erika, MADE MY DAY!
Do you mind if I use this comment in the testimonials?
Mia
July 23, 2013 at 3:28 am
Sure, why not 🙂
J
July 22, 2013 at 4:21 pm
Hey, nearing the end of NC, think I’ve got a few days to go. Self esteem’s through the roof [something I always struggled with before]
Only thing I’m nervous about is if I should even bother to contact him. He hasn’t made any attempt at contacting me other than a call to exchange our stuff. [Which I ignored] Is this a bad sign?
admin
July 23, 2013 at 3:05 am
Well, I won’t lie to you. It’s not the greatest sign in the world but it’s not bad either. Your ex must be really stubborn. I do think you should try contact him. And awesome job with the self esteem!
Lara
July 22, 2013 at 10:41 am
My boyfriend broke up with me because he wants to be alone.All of sudden he wants that?We never fought or so.We were always happy.And we were together for 4 months.The day before our break up.He was totally normal.He said he loves me and we talked like always.But the next day he just broke up?Saying he wants to be alone?Will i get him back?Will NC work here?
And thank you for making this and helping us out here.I really love it ^^
Thank you Chris
admin
July 23, 2013 at 2:49 am
Well, No contact is especially important for you then. Your ex tells you he wants to be alone, for now give him his space with NC.
Jack
July 22, 2013 at 2:28 am
I have been broken up for 4 months now we have a baby and I’m not sure how todo things help plez we were together 2 yrs and one day he said he didn’t want this and moved out .
admin
July 23, 2013 at 2:42 am
I literally just posted a guide on how to get exes back if you have kids: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/get-your-boyfriend-back-if-you-have-a-child-together/
elsa
July 21, 2013 at 10:30 pm
Hi chris, my boyfriend and I broke up 1 month ago. we’re dating for 9 months. He broke up with me when we we’re fighting over the phone.we fight because he didn’t mind to text me over the weekend. I always complain to him that he don’t have time for me. I feel like I am taken for granted. He said that he is not yet ready to commit himself in a relationship. he said he have goals and priorities and it is unfair for me that he is not yet ready and I am 100% into it.. he never texted me or call me after that. after a week I asked him if we can work things out and start all over again..he said we can just be friends. he said that he still loves me and he doesn’t want me to get hurt every time that he don’t have time for me.. by the way chris, we’re workmates. our close friends from work already noticed that we broke up but my ex don’t want to confirm it to them everytime he was asked about it. he ignores my messages on facebook and even my calls. I ignore him at work but whenever we bump into the hallway/lobby just a friendly hi and hello. when he got sick and he needs to go home from work i didn’t text or call him..i just asked some of our workmates what happened. I stop sending messages to him. sometimes he will go to my desk to have a small talk like “your on facebook again. that’s not allowed here at work.” .. things like that..and we will just laugh about it.. after that I’ll just end the conversation like I’m not interested to make the it longer.. to tell you honestly Chris I’m losing hope that I’m gonna get him back because he seems that he doesn’t care anymore. he never texted me even once after the break up. His birthday is coming up this august and it is also our anniversary.I don’t know if I should greet him a Happy Birthday. and on Sept we have a trip and we already booked a plane ticket for that with some of his friends and we’re just waiting for the date. I don’t know if i should go with them. my friends told me not to go.. I don’t know what to do..help me ppllleeaaassee… thank you Chris.. ^_^
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:30 pm
Try NC. Right now I think you may be chasing him a little too much. We need to get him chasing you again.
elsa
July 21, 2013 at 11:36 pm
thank you for the response Chris. ^_^
elsa
July 21, 2013 at 10:47 pm
by the way Chris he also told me when I asked him if we can get back together he said “I can’t let you stay. he also told one of our close friend that he still love me but he don’t want to bother me anymore. He also don’t go out with our common friends whenever we have a dinner with them or hanging out with them. It seems that he’s making boundaries between us. 🙁
Sonia
July 21, 2013 at 9:27 pm
Does this also work for long distance relationships?I mean you can’t send them any jealousy texts or meet them after the NC.SO does it work?
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:20 pm
Certain parts may not work great with LDR but for the most part I think this can work.
Sarah
July 21, 2013 at 8:53 pm
Hi Chris, My name is Sarah. I’ve just recently had a really weird and confusing situation with the man i love so much and care about very deeply. We both work at the same place and apparently i had caught his eye but didn’t realize it till after a month of little chit chat here and there. We did rush into things too fast. When he finally got enough nerves to talk to me more, within a week we were dating. It took a total of a month in 2 weeks for us to be officially a couple. Our dating relationship was strong and nothing went wrong in it. We both gave each other attention and listened to each other. We had a healthy relationship. We weren’t over protective or possessive over each other. Neither of us were over needy either. It was awesome. He would surprise me with little thoughtful nicknames and gave me a present as well. Everyone said we were perfect for each other. We could make each other blush even over facebook. Well this lasted for a month in 2 weeks. After the first month. The second month he started being a little distant and not as affectionate. Then everything would be back to normal for a few days. We hung out and then…he tried breaking up with me in person one night but it was unclear cause then everything was fine..almost like he was crying out for space and help! Everything was fine for another week. then he did break up with me. But i didn’t do anything wrong he says i was awesome. He just has a lot of things on his plate and is clearly confused of what he wants exactly! He says he doesn’t know why he wants out of the relationship its just the way he feels right now. I know what we shared is very special for both of us. Some of my friends tell me if its meant to be it will be and others say i should just move on. Deep down in my gut feeling i know he still loves and cares about me. I came across your step by step instructions on how to get them back by using your method above. Do you think that this has a good chance of working for my situation? Do you have any other advice to offer me?
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:26 pm
Hi Sarah,
My other advice would be for you to dig really deep and figure out the real reason he broke up with you.
Sarah
July 22, 2013 at 3:56 am
How do i dig deep?? he doesn’t even know the reason. And do you think there is a good chance i can get him back?? and do u think the no contact for 30 days will help? Sarah
admin
July 23, 2013 at 2:44 am
Whoa slow down there hahaha. Lets take things one step at a time.
By dig deep I meant that you need to do some thinking about why he broke up with you.
You can get him back definitely. There is always a chance though I am going to tell you I can’t guaratnee you anything. No one can. However, what do you have to lose for doing NC for 30 days?
Sarah
July 23, 2013 at 2:57 am
ok srry lol. I will take things one step at a time. Ok i will start thinking about that. he seemed really confused about everything and was stressed about work and all. he gave me the reason that that was just the way he felt. Every time i would push away after he broke up with me and gave him his space he would try calling, texting and facebooking me. and then almost like he wanted us to talk. but nothing would be resolved…then he would push me away…its kinda confusing.
Rahi
July 21, 2013 at 7:46 pm
Thank you so much for your guide.
Here is my situation. Me and my ex were together for almost two years. Recently, i had to end things because things were really messed up. I just turned 20 and he is 24. My mom and his mom are childhood friends. So we both knew each others family very well. Keep in mind that our families also knew that we were together. We both got supports from our parents. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great. Everything was rainbows and hopping bunnies for us. He was the first one to say I love you and he was also the first one to give me a promise ring. He always use to put hopes on about our marriage and our future. You would expect the girlfriend to do that but in this case it was the boyfriend. He never considered me as his girlfriend. It was either me being his “wife” or his “fiancé” . Months start to go by and things were still great . We had our ups and downs but it never came to the point of breaking up. Recently things started to get bad. He started lying to me about hanging out with his friends. That would really get to me because I was always honest and he always lied for no reason. He thinks I have a problem with him being with his friends. I did realize my mistake. And I changed my way of thinking. Lately he became very aggressive, didn’t give me time, stopped talking on the phone and all that bad stuff. Once he told me i stress him out about us meeting up so thats why he lied to me about having work but he was actually off that day from work. ( I found out from his mom later). After that argument, I let him do whatever. I stopped asking him when we could see each other. One whole month passed by and not once did he decide to see me. Meanwhile he stopped texting and calling me. Every time i called him, he never picked up. And maybe once a week he would call and talk for two minutes. And thats it no more talking. It was my birthday recently and he supposedly took off to see me. He wished my happy birthday and said we will meet up. Last minute on my birthday, he told me his mom got sick and he had to be with her. I was very sad but thats his mom so i didn’t complain. Later I found out that his mom was not sick on my birthday. So he lied to me. He made an excuse to not see me and gave me false hopes. I was so hurt by that. Few days later I broke up with him. He just stopped putting effort. Two weeks after our breakup, i texted him to find out why he did all this. He said to me how he wasnt happy with me, he always wanted to be the one controlling the relationship but i stopped him from doing that. He also said that he will never be happy with me in the future and that he wont treat me correctly either. Even though i was not trying to get back with him, he said right away stop trying to get back with me. I made my decision, find someone else and be happy. He also said that he stopped caring about us. Im still hurt by all the things he said. He also said his friends mean the world to him and that he cant love without them. And because of his boys he doesn’t want to be with me. I always tried to make him happy. I never lied nor did I ever do anything wrong to him. He always lied to me and did stupid things but i forgave him and moved on. I didn’t know what i was lacking of. I still do want to be with him because we had great moment with each other. I saw him cry for me before. So why all of a sudden things changed? Our families are close and things will get awkward but i want to get him back. I want him to realize that I was the one he wants to be with. Help 🙁
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:24 pm
I am sorry to tell you this but I don’t like your boyfriend. NOT AT ALL…
If he thinks that HE has to be the one controlling the relationship then you are going to be doomed.
A true relationship isn’t about one person controlling the other. It’s about two people being equals and having an equal say.
Go no contact on him for 2 months.
Rahi
July 22, 2013 at 1:18 am
So should i just let it be? Forget about him? I know the whole controlling thing is wrong. Thats why i always tried to explain it to him that he can’t always do that. That was what caused arguments and for him to stop caring about this relationship. Do you think in these next two months he will realize his mistake?
admin
July 23, 2013 at 2:41 am
I don’t know if he will realize his mistake. I do know though that you have to change up what you have been doing thus far if you want to get him back. Really work on improving yourself during these next two months ok. I promise you are going to feel great after two months. Youll be so confident.
Rahi
July 23, 2013 at 4:05 am
Yeah your right. After the break up i would cry my eyes out. But honestly after reading your article i feel better. Lets say afterthe two months pass by, would i have to contact him or do you feel like he might try to contact me?
admin
July 24, 2013 at 3:43 am
Either way, you are going to be contacting him at some point. However, the preferred method would be if he contacts you!
Shanna
July 21, 2013 at 6:01 pm
Hello,
I have been dating Gio for Almost eight years and for the most part we had always been the happiest couple. I even moved down to Pennsylvania when he got a new job to be with him. We had always been a very close affectionate couple and got engaged last July. Our wedding was going to be I January but it was called off due to the recent circumstances. He works a lot and get stressed out and lately he had t been as close and loving. He was also really irritable and not very easy going or friendly. In an a try fight I had said that I wanted to ‘not do this anymore’ and he took it and ran with it. He left to see family in New York and I stayed back in Pennsylvania dwelling on everything but not contacting him. When he came back from New York he said he would help me move out and it had been a great eight years but I cried and told him I wanted to be with him and he had than said after talking for a while in a emotional conversation with me he wanted to be with me too and not move out. We were intimate and than watched a movie together he even talked about skyping wih me while he was kn his job training, like he was all happy again. and after he said he needed space so I watched tv alone In the bedroom. That night he slept in the guest room like he had been doing for the past month and when he woke I told him I would give him his space and not come home that night until he left for job training and he had said he wanted to see me before he left. I came home as he was leaving at 7 and waited for him to get back at 930 for him to tell me he that he doesn’t believe I won’t do this again and he thinks it’s best if I move back to New York. He told me that right now he does t think it’s going to work and maybe at a different time. I was hysterical and begged him to give me a chance told him I would stay here and prove it to him that we can be happy again and that I would t leave until he asked me to. He left for his training his morning and I just don’t know what to do, I suggested I would go to therapy and he said he didn’t think I could fix this and he appreciates my effort. I just don’t know what to do I am in peices and hurting badly. I can’t imagine my life without him, it’s been 8 years! He is the live of my life but what can I do if be doesn’t want this? Please help, do I move everything back to New York and quit my job or stay and try to rebuild us? Thank you, hopefully you can shed some lite on this very dark time.
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:19 pm
Hi Shanna,
I am going to be honest with you. I cannot give you advice on whether to quit your job or stay. It makes me uncomfortable. All I will say is that everything you see on this page was meant to help you through your situation.
Shanna
July 24, 2013 at 12:20 pm
Thank you Chris, I just talked to him Monday night, he is training out of state until Friday. He has been contacting me via text and calling, is it ok to talk to him if he contacts me? I told him when he gets back from training I would go stay with a friend for a week and then go visit my family upstate until he is ready to see me. He said he loves me he just doesn’t know if he can forgive me for what I said and if and when he’s going to feel different. He also says he’s very hurt and tears up when he talks to me. I told him I read online we shouldn’t see each other for some time and I won’t bother him with text or call either and he said I don’t bother him but I’m still not going to contact him. I mean I can’t believe he’d throw 8 years away on a bad 2 months just because I said something out of anger.
admin
July 25, 2013 at 2:06 am
If you are in NC then you shouldn’t respond to his texts no matter how angry he gets.
Does he have a short temper? I think your best bet is to just let things settle down still.
Monica
July 21, 2013 at 4:07 pm
My boyfriend and I broke up a couple months ago after a few years of being together. He’s in the military so when he got stationed in Hawaii, he asked me to move there with him. He recently got his orders to go to Florida and I was supposed to move there with him, but he said that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and he broke up with me. However, we decided to remain friends and still talk everyday. Last week, he told me that he can’t talk to me anymore because he misses my companionship too much and he has to live alone right now. I confess I have texted and bothered him about wanting info on when he will talk to me again. He started getting aggravated with me so no he says he might not feel like talking to me ever again. I miss talking to him and it’s so hard not to contact him. What do I do?
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:14 pm
The NC rule might be a good idea!
Monica
July 22, 2013 at 2:25 am
It might be a good idea? Is there anything else you think might work?
Monica
July 21, 2013 at 12:39 pm
I loved reading your website that there may be hope to get my ex back.
Our story: We dated back when we were 16 but not for long. 20 years later we found each other again. I was leaving my then husband. We started talking, texting and meeting. He would find reasons to go shopping at the same store as me just to see me.
We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and were very happy. We made it through some very difficult times. We never really fought either. We are both pretty laid back. He was divorced for 3 years before me and dated some but never had a long term relationship like ours.
I pretty much lived at his house every other week when he had his kids, and he would stay at mine for 4 days when I had mine. He wanted 2 days of alone time to unwind and relax since he wasn’t used to being on the go all the time like I was. He ended our relationship 3 days ago. I am in total shock! I didn’t realize anything was wrong. He is not a great talker but will open up after a while. He was sending me texts about 4-5 months ago saying he was so in love with me and wanted to be with me for many years to come..now he has felt stressed in our relationship for about 2-3 months so he ended it. He didn’t see it going any further since we both have kids and can’t move in with each other (we only live 15 min apart). He was upset that I wanted to spend more time with him at my house and have one less day alone. I now understand how important his time to relax was ( I do live a very busy life). He didn’t explain this too me enough.
I tried to be logical with him during the breakup phase which may have pushed him further away. He has 2 kids who I love and helped him raise the last 2 1/2 years and will miss them like crazy. He is willing to let me still take them, still wants to talk and is ok with hanging out as friends.
So my questions are…is there hope yet? do I implement the N/C rule if I still want contact with his children/family? Do I do a whole 30 day N/C if I want to see his kids? Do I wait for him to make the first move? Will hanging out as just friends possibly rekindle the relationship (we still get along well and enjoy talking about normal things)or make it worse?.. Getting his cake and eating too kind of thing? I am so confused…
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:09 pm
Allow me to simplify things for you!
When you do NC you basically ignore, for 30 days, your ex. I think that would also include his kids.
I am not sure that hanging out as friends will be the best idea. However, if you think you know him really well and don’t think the NC would work in his specific case and your gut is telling you that hanging out as friends will rekindle the relationship then you can do that.
All I am going to say is that research has shown time and time again that the NC can be very effective.
Mania
July 21, 2013 at 7:12 am
Dear Chris,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all this! I am on day 7 of my 30 day no contact rule but since my situation is a little different, I thought I could use your guidance. My boyfriend broke up with me in February. He told me he didn’t feel the same way and that I was different. Well he was right because I went to the Middle East last summer and visited my family after 5 years of being away from home and my mother was very ill at that time. When I came back to the U.S, I was under a lot of stress and didn’t know what was going to happen with my mom. So I didn’t spend a lot of time with my ex and eventually, he thought that maybe when I visited home, I reconnected with this guy that I had a crush on when I was a teenager! We talked about things and I thought things were working out fine but I was wrong. When he broke up with me he said that he still thought I had done something when I was gone and I didn’t know how else to show/tell him he was wrong. So he broke up with me but I could see in his eyes that he didn’t mean it. The very next day, he went and told my guy friend that he had made a huge mistake, but he didn’t tell ME that and I didn’t know this until a couple months ago! A week after the breakup he called me and said, “I just want to know if you are home so I can bring some of your stuff.” Instead of saying I want to talk to you! I said keep them, or burn them! In March he asked me to o out with him, he said, “I want to know how things are going because if you don’t want to get back together, I am thinking about taking this other girl, Pam out”. We had issues with this girl when we were together and I thought her and my ex had a thing on New Years. So when he said that, I refused to get him back. I kept thinking that he thinks of me just as another option. He did try one more time on April 3rd but I didn’t take him back because (this is going to sound bad) I had been checking his emails and saw that him and Pam had started talking a week after our break up and she was telling him things like: I just want to cuddle with you and take things easy with you, etc. That made me crazy for a long time after the breakup and I couldn’t tell him that I knew he was talking to Pam at the same time. So I didn’t take him back. For a whole month though, I thought about what had happened and things that both of u did wrong. I know that I was really pushy and that scared him. His family loves me. His mom still hopes that we get back together and his grandpa tells me how much he loves me. I sent him an email in May and told him how I felt about him and that I wanted to be back. He came to my place and told me that he has been seeing Pam and we won’t be getting back together. He said he wanted to be friends, and although it has been very hard for me to be his friend, I have been friends with him since after the breakup (almost 6 months now). We haven’t been talking a lot but he sends funny pics to my cell sometimes and I do the same. He called me on 4th of July (our anniversary) and said happy 4th and that he was wondering if I wanted to see him. At that point I thought maybe he was ready to work on things. I couldn’t do 4th of July because I was busy and I kept trying to come up with a time to meet. He would agree d on 4 different time and cancelled all of them. He even asked me to go to a mutual friend’s BD party with him and then he cancelled that too. His mom thinks he is afraid to see me because he might see that he still has feelings for me and he will have to hurt Pam. His mom also thinks that I should give things time. She told me that the last time they talked he told her that he thinks I am trying to go on a date with him while he wants to just hang out as friends out of respect for Pam. That made me really angry because HE was the one who asked me to go to a BD party with him and hang out on 4th of July! So after I heard that, I decided to start the 30 day no contact. He texted me today and asked if I was still mad at him and I didn’t respond (it feels really good to be in control). My question to you is, is it too late to do this, considering we broke up 6 months ago, he is in a relationship (rebound I’d like to call it), and that we have been texting once a week at least! Sorry I wrote so much.
admin
July 21, 2013 at 11:04 pm
Howdy!
Sorry for the late response. I took yesterday off because I needed a break. But I am back today!
Ok, I don’t think it’s too late for you to start doing this. However, I think you should also do things to improve yourself during NC. What are you plans in that regard?
Drummer Gurl
July 21, 2013 at 3:21 am
Hi Chris,
Thank you for your website, it’s very helpful. So here’s my situation. I employed the No Contact rule and it definitely worked. My ex and I have been dating again for the past couple weeks. It’s very hard to take things slowly since we have a past history of course.
Here’s some of my concerns I’m hoping you can help me with. We’ve gotten *&^%ed and done just about everything else, but for the lack of a better term, we haven’t “gone all the way” yet. One of my main concerns is to not end up in booty call territory, so I’m trying to hold off and treat our dating as if he was just someone new I was seeing, but the temptation is super strong to completely re-consummate our relationship obviously. And also, we have not yet talked about the past and how we ended up here now, etc.
Basically I didn’t want to scare him away by bringing up all of the past right away, but it’s becoming harder to ignore and I’m not sure if I should wait for him to bring it up or if I should just go for it. I told myself I’d give it a month and then if he hadn’t brought anything up, then I would.
So here’s what happened. After 7 weeks of no contact from neither he nor I, we bumped into each other twice on two different nights in one week at places neither one of us would normally go to and that were completely out of our neighborhood (we live in one of the top 3 major cities in the U.S.). I took it as a sign as I guess he did as well and he ended up calling me and asking me for a date. I know it was a little fast, but I was so excited that I accepted and we’ve been having some extended stays at each others places for the past couple weeks.
Prior to the break-up we got along really well and were very compatible. We dated for 7 months total. The first 4 being whatever, and then we were a monogamous couple for the last 3 months of dating. The reason for the break-up was he said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and wanted to see other people. But I get the feeling that in those 7 weeks he either didn’t take advantage of that or if he did, it didn’t work out the way he thought it would as when we 1st bumped into each other he said that he hadn’t really been doing much and that he had been mostly just staying at his place. I luckily was able to tell him the exact opposite and that I had been doing loads of stuff, etc., which I have to admit, was pretty satisfying to say to him at that moment.
Basically, I’d just like some general advice as to how to proceed further, considering what I’ve written above. I know there is no guarantee in any relationship, but I know the things I want to improve upon this time around (such as giving more praise, etc., not that I never did, but I guess I’m now learning exactly just how fragile you men and your egos are. wink.) and I’m trying hard not to repeat my mistakes.
I wasn’t clingy, I’m not that type, and one of the only things I can recall him ever saying that was a “complaint” was that he said, “I wish you would tell me more stuff.” I wasn’t quite sure exactly what that meant at the time, but from what I’d say about him is that he’s a pretty open person, and that since we’ve been dating again, I have been more forthcoming with things I’ve been thinking and share them with him, especially positive stuff I’m thinking about him. So, if you feel like you have some for me, I’d appreciate any insight/advice you’d like to give.
There is one other nugget of info I’ll supply as it may or may not influence your advice. I’m in my early 40’s and he’s in his late 20’s. But we have tons in common which I think is one of the reasons we are so compatible despite our age difference which is 15 years.
And one last thing, while we were apart I was not ready, nor had the opportunity presented itself for me to date others, but of course now that we’re seeing each other again a person I met about 2 years ago has resurfaced and I’m pretty sure is going to ask me out on a date. If I go and tell my ex about going on a date (if I go on one) is that a good jealousy move or will it make him think I don’t really want to be with him? I mean, we are broken up and he hasn’t talked to me about getting back together specifically, so I’m still a free agent at this point, but I also don’t want to ruin my chances with him either. And also, I’m not sure if it’s even ethical to bring someone new into the mix of possible unfinished business… Although the saying “all’s fair…” does come to mind…
Thanks!
admin
July 21, 2013 at 10:50 pm
Hi Drummer Girl,
Congrats on the No contact rule working wonders for you and getting back to dating your ex! That is AWESOME! You should be proud of that.
I actually want to ask you if I could use the bit about the no contact rule working for you as a testimonial in the success section of this site I am working on putting together? Just email me via the contact page and I can give you more in-depth advice as well.
Umm.. I wouldn’t try to make him jealous. I don’t think that will end well for you and I think if the issues you are feeling aren’t addressed soon you should bring them up in a calm and respectful way.
Brandy
July 20, 2013 at 7:55 pm
Hi I’m Brandy. I wrote to you before about me being too controlling then my ex of 7 months broke up with me. This is my 14th day of the NC. Yesterday my friend asked him if he would go to my graduation ceremony this wednesday. He said he wouldn’t because he didn’t want to make me feel bad but he would give a gift to our mutual friend to hand it to me. Should I thank him? (Via text I supposed?)
admin
July 21, 2013 at 10:28 pm
Hmm… this one is tricky!
I say yes, thank him!
Monia
July 20, 2013 at 11:42 am
Me and my boyfriend just broke up and i’m following everything you say.But the problem is we can’t meet up because of long distance?Help??
admin
July 21, 2013 at 10:17 pm
Is there any way you can meet up at all?
lhot
July 20, 2013 at 9:35 am
hi, I just need some advice. My situation is LDR and we are more than 4 years together in relationship but the 3 years is LDR. We’ve been broke up almost six weeks. Before the breakup we are always fighting because he don’t have time for me.He is always going outside with friends but he always send me message that he will go out with friends. I always allowed him but sometimes I’m afraid and I always told him that if ever you will find someone else tell me. And he told me ok.
He changed towards me just this june only. It seems that he don’t have interest on me anymore because every time we talk online he is messaging to friends or sometimes somebody call him on the phone or else he will sleep. Because of these traits i was so panic and we end up always fighting. He told me he is tired of me and he don’t know if he still loves me because he is always pressuring himself towards me and he is not happy anymore. He is not happy with what we have and he told me maybe this is the time I should know the truth of what he felt inside. He told me that he don’t know if he still love me or maybe it’s pity only not love then after that he didn’t reply any of my messages again. After 2 days passed i send him text and i told him I’m sorry. He is very sarcastic, he told me to move on because he didn’t love me anymore. I was so pushy and begging him and he told me to pity on myself and I can find someone better than him. Then I didn’t contacted him for one week. After a week I text him again asking for another chance. Again he told me he don’t have feelings for me and asking me to move on for myself. He don’t want to pretend anymore. I told him that I’m willing to come over there because he is in canada and Im working here in UAE but he told me no need to come here because I already have boyfriend, I am gay and I’m happy with this choice. I was so shocked and devastated. He told me he is doing this not for himself but for me also because maybe after the marriage he need to find another guy to make him happy so better to stop our relationship for good. He told me that he will give me time to go for dating with other guys and after that i will tell and share it on him and we can still be friends. I didn’t replied him because im to much crying that time. He send me so many sorry messages. After 3 days I send him messages about our happy moments when we are together and asking him if that is pretensions but he didn’t replied. The next day I send him message that I was so down, he replied me and told me I’m sorry for that. He told me to pray and after that everything will be okay.I ask him that to talk online for closure because i want to ask why he fallen out of love with me and I promise him after that I will not bother him anymore but he didn’t replied. He didn’t give me any chance for closure.the next day i text him again, I told him that I love him that’s why I’m letting him go. I want him to be happy and I want to fix my self also. I told him that maybe someday God will give me some answers regarding my questions between us. He replied the next day and telling that he want me to be happy also and thanks for everything and the memories. After that I make nc and it’s almost 3 weeks now. But he never contacted me and just keep ignoring me.
My question is can I get him back? he already proposed me last march 2013 during our vacation time and everything is good. He surprise me always. Before the breakup our relationship is so good. He is always my hero and I’m very dependent on him. We are planning to get married next year and that was all his plan. Our families knows about that as well as our relatives. I love him so much and i don’t want to loss him.
admin
July 21, 2013 at 10:17 pm
Well, one thing really sticks out to me. Your use of the phrase “I am very dependent on him.” Usually girls who are dependent on guys can be a bit of a turnoff down the road. Just an FYI but yes, I think you have a chance at getting him back.
I am not saying that you will but you have a chance yes.
lhot
July 22, 2013 at 9:56 pm
It’s 3 weeks now since i didn’t contacted him and he didn’t contacted me also. I’m just waiting but last 2 days back i post photos in my fb with a guy and i put caption that “this guy is my sweet best friend” but sad to say he unfriend me in facebook. Last night also I am online on skype but when I check this morning he unfriend me. He told me before after the breakup that we can be friends but i guess he’s trying to erase me in his life. I’m so worried, maybe he already move on and don’t want to contact me anymore. What should I do?
admin
July 23, 2013 at 3:13 am
It sounds like he got disgusted of the picture with you and the new guy “your best friend.” What was the picture like? Was it a little racy? or just a normal picture?
In any event, you have one more week of NC and then you can try talking to your ex via text.
lhot
July 23, 2013 at 2:20 pm
I’ts a normal photo but one of my friend commented of that photo that maybe we are mean to be. then last time we chatted with his friend online and she told me that my ex bf is very happy now. Can I make it 7 weeks nc rule because next month is my birthday and if i contacted him before that day maybe he is thinking that I contacted him because my bday is coming.
Thank you so much Chris for the reply.
admin
July 24, 2013 at 4:11 am
Your ex is jealous of the photo which is usually a sign he still has feelings for you.
Of course you can make it a seven week rule!