The Definitive Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

8,582 thoughts on “The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back”

Monica

July 19, 2013 at 4:02 pm

I was dating this guy for a year and a half, he met my whole family and I met his family as well. He had given me a promise ring, and said to my parents that he promises to never hurt me and to marry me. We are very young i am 18 and he is freshly 20. We were each others firsts. We were very close, always together everyday almost. And than for a month straight we had pointless arguments but we always loved each other and cared. One night we got into a heated argument, basically I hung up the phone on him, and called my best guy friend. My boyfriend called me back right away, I went to hang up but accidentally merged the call, all of a sudden middle of our fight my friend stepped in and said “you’re an idiot, your relationship has been shit for a long time”. My boyfriend was absolutely livid, be broke up with me. Saying that he’s tired of being told what to do, what to say, that when my friend stepped in it was his last straw. Keep in mind he now knows that I had no clue my friend was in the phone call. He is saying he is done, wants to be friends he has had enough. But than says he wants to be friends NOW and talk text hang out sometimes. We agreed that we would try to work on it and than the next day he changed his mind. He tells me that he feels I am demanding, which I cannot deny I am a very strong personality. But he says I used to be normal, and now I’m different. But both him and I have changed. Now he goes out and drinks almost every night, and gets to the point where he throws up each time. Recently one of my male friends, only a friend! Met my parents, and my ex found out about this he was very upset and says things such as “wow after only a week you go and do that” “I hope your happy with the guy you met” “I hope the new guy is better”. He says he loves me, cares about me. But than acts differently. I really need help on how to get him back. In the relationship I did do wrong by going to my male friends about how I felt, and my ex would get bothered by this. He says that throughout the relationship I promised to change and I haven’t. I want a chance to prove I can be better, he was an amazing man I don’t have one bad thing to say about him. Help me please?

admin

July 20, 2013 at 4:35 am

Hello Monica,

Your ex sounds kind of unstable. Are you sure you want him back? What is your reasoning?

For now, I think you should try a 15 day no contact rule. Your ex still has feelings for you and you need to take back control of the relationship.
Monica

July 20, 2013 at 1:53 pm

I do want him back, not for the reason of I’m lonely or anything but because I truly do love him, care for him and his family, and my family cares for him. When we were good no fighting it was an amazing relationship. It’s very hard to let go of the guy who has impacted my life and has helped me change and grow for the better. How can you tell he has feelings still when he says he’s had enough he’s done and only sees me as a friend?
admin

July 21, 2013 at 10:22 pm

Well, generally speaking (keyword there is generally) when people say things after a breakup they sometimes don’t always mean them. Five years ago I dated a girl and had a horrible breakup with her. I said so many things to her after the breakup that I didn’t mean just because I was overemotional and immature.
Monica

July 21, 2013 at 11:35 pm

Does that mean there is still hope for the relationship to be fixed?
Monica

July 19, 2013 at 7:08 pm

Just wanted to add. That whenever we talk its him saying we are friends, but everything we did still mean something. And he needs time, I asked of I’m worth it and he says “yes of course you are monica”. He feels like I took him away from his friends, didnt trust him and never listened to him. How do I get him back? I truly love him.

Lilly

July 19, 2013 at 5:49 am

Dear Chris,

Thanks for the effort you put to help us. 🙂

So, I knew this man for three years. We were good friends, and with time I have developed strong feelings for him. I don’t know how to put this into words, but I am quite certain I had no interest in him in the beginning, but the way he treated made me all hooked up. Our relationship was going up and down. At times, I feel very loved and he gives me all his attention, and other times I feel very insignificant and unimportant. He was always complaining that I don’t appreciate what he does for me and that I offer him nothing but the abuse, and I always critisise him.. So I tried to fix myself and done a research how to make a man feel loved and appreciated. Somewhere, I found that I should just express my feelings without playing games and I should make him feel respected, important and loved.So like a good student, I’ve expressed to my love my love and how much he’s important and gave him really lovely compliments. As a result, he deleted me from fb and banned me from sending him any messages and stopped all contact with me. I tried calling him, wrote and apolgy but I got no answers. I felt so stupid and heart-broken but managed to use the no-contact for two months now. Still nothing happened. I am focusing on myself, meeting new people, doing fun activities, being happy but deep down I really want him to contact me. Do I have hope? Or I must let go?

I just don’t get it. Please, enlight me.

admin

July 19, 2013 at 10:16 pm

Why would he ban you from his phone for giving him compliments? Were you way too overemotional when you gave them?
Lilly

August 2, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Dear Chris,

I wasn’t that emotional. It was all done in a flirty way and done on fb. I don’t seem to understand what made him cut contact with me. Was I that wrong by making it clear that I love him?
He didn’t just refused to reply my calls, he also deleted from fb, ignored any messages I sent and even the email of apology.
admin

August 3, 2013 at 3:13 am

Yes, the love thing maybe was too much at that moment then..

Just give him some time.

Sara

July 19, 2013 at 5:34 am

Hi Chris, I recently broke with my ex 3 weeks ago and we have still been talking since then. We’ve been together since we were 14 and now we’re 18. He’s really the love of my life, I can’t see myself without him but I don’t think he feels the same. I’ve cheated on him once but he ended up taking me back because he loved me. I was so happy from what he said and he asked for me to try to fix our relationship and I did. I guess I didn’t try hard enough because when he broke up with me he said that he was still mad about the cheating and how he got bored of me. He says that we do the same thing over and over again but that was because we really had no where else to go with no car. I said it will all change since we’re goi to college and we have a car. But he says that no matter what I do, it won’t change his mind. He said he won’t regret breakup with me and he doesn’t plan to get back with me anytime soon or even never. I asked him recently if he still likes me and he said yes and it hasn’t changed but when I asked if he still loved me he said as a friend. When I what if it was not a friend and he said not as much. He says that it seems like I’m still trying to get him back and i lied and said i wasnt’t. I really want him back in my life. I can only see him, the only man I will need, in my life. I just don’t know how to start and I have something very important of his. I was wondering if there’s any chance to get him back. Thank you so much!

admin

July 19, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Hi Sara,

Why did you cheat on him? I think that is an important question to address.

Also, for now I think you would benefit from a NC rule.
Sara

July 22, 2013 at 6:49 am

It was in the moment kind of thing. I changed after that but he says I haven’t. I’ll try the NC rule and see how it goes. You think there’s still a chance?
admin

July 23, 2013 at 2:45 am

There is always a chance though I am a super optimistic person 😉

Good luck!
Sara

July 24, 2013 at 6:05 am

So I should start the NC and try to get him back with the page you wrote about how to get your ex back if he has a girlfriend?
admin

July 25, 2013 at 1:58 am

Yes! But evolve during NC by the end of the month you need to be like an entirely different person.
Sara

July 24, 2013 at 4:41 am

What are the thugs I’m able to control? It’s been 3 weeks since the break up and I think it’s last week where he started to see the new girl. I also have a feeling that they have talked while we were together and developed feelings then. So maybe that’s why he ended it with me.
admin

July 24, 2013 at 4:52 am

You can’t control his new girl, you can’t control him but you can control everything that you do and say.
Sara

July 23, 2013 at 5:09 am

There’s one other question I have. I see that my ex has gotten into another relationship and he doesn’t know that I know. I was wondering if its a rebound or some sort? He tells me he still likes me but he’s in another relationship? I just don’t get it. And it seems like they are doing everything I used to do with him. Does this mean anything?
admin

July 24, 2013 at 3:49 am

He is just dating someone new. If he is doing everything you used to do together don’t let it affect you too much. For now, just focus on thigns you can control. How soon after the break did he get in this new relationship? The closer to your breakup the more likely it is a rebound.

Jane

July 19, 2013 at 1:45 am

Hi! 🙂 I’m here again.. 🙂 i just want to ask.. I went to my ex bf’s birthday and I followed all that is written here.. except for one, i lose control and had sex with him. Actually I thought its gonna be awkward after, but when he woke up in the morning, I felt that he touched my face..

When I was there on his birthday, I’m actually trying to distance myself.. When he had the chance to talk to me alone, he hugged me very tight and said that he was happy that I actually came.. His relatives was so happy when they see me again, I was touched when one of his cousins told me that they thought they’ll never gonna see me again, and they say that it’s like there’s something missing in their family when we broke up, it makes them sad and they want us to be together again especially his mom, he really want us to be together again, so she said that he’s going to talk to his son.

The day went by.. all was good until that night, he talked to me again and he said that he wanted to fix our relationship, I don’t want to expect too much so I tried to ignore all the things he said so I won’t be hurt. He asked me to kiss him but I refused but then he kissed me all of a sudden.. I was really shocked that I couldn’t move until it just happened, we had sex..

The day after, we were okay.. he drive me home.. then that afternoon I called him, he said that he saw the girl he cheated on me (but broke up with him) so all of a sudden he changed again and he said that he loves that girl.. What will I do? Will I initiate the NC rule again?? do i still stand a chance?? :'(

admin

July 19, 2013 at 2:15 am

This guy is a jerk Jane.

He is a player and you shouldn’t put up with that. I think he is a chronic cheater and it’s ridiculous he did this to you.

You should go No Contact he will be expecting you to freak out, don’t give him the satisfaction.
Jane

July 20, 2013 at 5:16 am

thank you so much.. hmmm.. i want to ask one more thing. What if this “girl” he cheated on me came back to him.. can you give me some advice, i really don’t know what to do..
admin

July 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm

Sorry for the late reply,

If the girl comes back to him and he accepts her then I think it says some bad stuff about his character. It’s usually a warning sign that you don’t want to be with someone who you’ll be a second choice to.
Jane

August 1, 2013 at 2:27 am

It’s been 2 weeks since i started the nc rule.. he haven’t called or texted me since then. his relatives told me that he always contact the other girl who broke up with him. I’m just so sad that he can’t remember me anymore.. We’ve been together for like 7 years but i feel like he just throw it all away.. 🙁
admin

August 1, 2013 at 5:41 am

Try not to overract and focus on the things that you actually have control over.
Jane

July 21, 2013 at 11:50 pm

ouch! *sigh if that happens maybe i’ll just accept it. He’s so inlove with that gurl…

Eloise

July 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm

My ex boyfriend asked for a break just before exams started at university, he told me things felt to intense. When I got home that night he had sent me a message apologizing and explaining that he had never been so close to anyone before and didn’t know how to handle it, and just needed some space to figure things out but that he missed me already and had strong feelings for me. I gave him the space he wanted (we didn’t see each other for a month) but he had asked to keep in contact so we just chatted over messages like we usually do when we don’t see each other. I saw him at university before exams and felt that things were verg awkward. After exams were over I asked if we could talk face to face and sort things out. His reply was that we could but he wanted to be just friends. I asked for some time apart before we could be friends and we haven’t spoken for almost a month. I have been doing other things on this break (got a new job, met new people etc.) But do you think there is any chance of us getting back together? Or is his break up excuse just because he really doesn’t feel that way anymore?

Eloise

July 18, 2013 at 1:31 pm

Sorry, just wanted to add as well that we were only dating for about 6 months and hadn’t even had our first fight. As far as I could tell we were pretty happy until he asked for a break. He wasn’t distant or anything until the day he asked for a break. I honestly never felt things were intense (we’re both too young to be thinking about marriage yet) and I never pressured him for anything more than we had.
admin

July 19, 2013 at 2:00 am

It’s always tough in these situations.

Before I give you any advice. I think you need to go back and brainstorm what the real reason is that he broke up with you.

Marine

July 18, 2013 at 8:44 am

Hi! Please help me. My boyfriend broke up with me for no reason and I don’t know what to do and how to get him back or whether it is possible. Here is my story. We met in an event but we didn’t talk, we didn’t know each other. And after he sent me a friend request on Facebook and we start chatting about a month. He was texting me all the time. After that month we finally met. We started dating and everything was very beautiful and nice. We both were happy. He seemed so in love with me. He is younger then me by the way. When I mentioned about that he said i don’t care the age, also told that he was not thinking about having a relationship but after meeting me now he wants that. So we were already officially dating for two months. He was introducing me to all his friends to his family. And then he start talking about moving in with me. We discussed that its too early and after a short time he start talking about it again and insisted so finally he moved, although he was staying at my place very often. So he moved. Everything was fine, no problem, I never created any problem for him. Always caring, every morning making breakfast for him before I go to work, doing everything for him. I was doing because I was so in love and happy, that I loved to do everything for him. He kept telling that he feels blessed that he has me. And suddenly after one month he started changing. Less talkative, all the time in thoughts. When I asked couple of times what’s wrong, he got even angry and told nothing, everything is fine. So I stope and never ask. And one day he just told me that he doesn’t feel happy, he was not ready for this kind of relationship and he needs a space so he wants to move out. I told him, but hat was all your decision he said yes, I feel bad for it, bu anyways he moved out. Then he started visiting me twice a week, staying overnight even, but we were not going out any more, and we were not really in relationship kind of. But he was so different, when he was with me, so nice, so gentle, but then he could go and never remember me for few days, even not answer to my texts, but I was not writing even a lot, mostly not at all, I was thinking to leave him alone, I’ve him his space so he can figure out what he feels. So all the time I was so tolerant with him. When he was coming trying to make him feel good, as at his home, and he was liking that. One day when I left for work he went in to my messages and read all my conversations with my friends. And he got mad that with one of my online friend (a guy) I talked about him. Just the talk was about that I was trying to understand him, as I thought guy will understand guy better than me, of course there was nothing flirting. So we talk, I told him, first of all that’s not good what he did, I never close or lock anything from him, because I trusted him, and secondly if you see something wrong I wrote then no problem I’ll understand. After that he became even nicer for some time. And then again back to his behavior , all the time on and off, and hurting me with these all, he could make an appointment and then never call or appear, after just say something silly or just sorry. This situation is already almost five months.. So the last thing that happened. On my birthday (few days ago) he started texting me, and then he told me that he will call to meet and never call. Only late night he start texting me as nothing happened. I was so upset, I just old him that he was so disrespectful to me and not responsible. After that in the morning I saw he deleted me from his Facebook. When I texted him just told few things (nothing bad and very polite) he told me he did it so no more disappointment and disrespectful, and that I really don’t deserve it and asked me o forget him. It has been 16 days after that, he never contacted me, and neither did I. But I can’t stand this anymore, I miss him so much, I really love him. Please tell me, is there any possibility or chance that we will get back together, please advice me something, please, what should I do, how can I change this situation, pleasee…

admin

July 19, 2013 at 1:57 am

Go no contact immediately. It should help you gain back a bit of the power you have lost to him.
Marine

July 19, 2013 at 3:49 am

Right now I’m in no contact already 17 days and nothing from him, he didnt write, didnt initiate any contact. I’m getting crazy of the thought that he might found someone else. Is it possible he forgot me completely?
Do you think there is a chance the things turn back again?
He was always sure that I’m always there for him, and when the first time I showed my frustration he did this, especially deleting me from his Facebook. What should I do, just wraith till 30 days pass? What if he doesn’t contact me? I’m so confused and so lost. Please help me…
admin

July 19, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Ok, just right now you need to calm down.

If you are this emotional over him not contact you… YET you are going to have trouble trying to get him back. It’s no big deal if he doesn’t contact you during NC b/c eventually you two will talk again.
Marine

July 23, 2013 at 4:07 am

I’m in no contact right now, but I just would like to understand what that would mean, what else I can do. I don’t contact him at all since July 2nd until this Friday that I met him.. Please advice what’s your idea what that would mean, is there any hope yet or no more..
admin

July 24, 2013 at 3:44 am

Well, no contact is an extremely good way to improve yourself. Focus on just YOU during the break ok!
Marine

July 23, 2013 at 3:53 am

I’m still in no contact, but what would that behavior mean, what could expect after these please do you have any ideas?
Marine

July 22, 2013 at 5:51 pm

Is it because he is not interested in me at all or he feels something that’s why he behaved like that, run away..
Marine

July 22, 2013 at 5:48 pm

Dear Admin,
Thank you so much for replying me back. Look what happened last Friday. I was going to one of my firiend’s house with other friend (both girls, and he knows both of them, kind of common friends), and I decided to go with my friend to a store to buy something to bring with us. And suddenly I saw him crossing the street, I think he saw me and he turned back, run away. I was so shocked and so upset, my friend told me lets go inside the mall and sit for a sec to calm down, and can you believe, I saw him again; he thought we’re gone and came to the same place. I got a text from someone and was reading and the moment I looked up I saw him, and he was trying to run away again, but I call his name, he turned back and came and told I am soo sorry I didn’t see you, I smiled and said you didn’t see??? He hugged, start asking how I am, and was looking at me, and told how nice I look (that day I was looking really very nice), I was dressed nicely, usually I don’t, cause I am not feeling to dress and take care of me, but that day I don’t know why I did, I had a feeling that I will see him and that happened. Then I saw he still has my phone number, didn’t delete. I talked to him polite, nothing bad. Then he asked what are we doing and where are we going, told few things of his daily things and also told me we will talk later, he will call me. But that was Friday and today is Monday and still nothing, no call no sign. It was so painful, I don’t understand why he was running away from me, why he didn’t want to talk to me, what that can mean, he feel bad what he did or doesn’t like to see me, what do you think, can you help me to understand..I am getting insane, I felt how much I missed him, but I cannot say that to him, please tell me what to do??? Pleasee…
admin

July 23, 2013 at 3:08 am

Go no contact on him! Don’t just sit around waiting for his call. Right now HE has the power and that is a bad position to be in!
Marine

July 19, 2013 at 4:12 am

I really miss him so much, I love him and living with the hope that we will get back together. I just know that happened because I spoiled him with my love. He knew that everytime he was doing something wrong and after few days come back and ask are you still mad on me? But this time still nothing, already 17 days, please please advice…

Jacqueline

July 18, 2013 at 6:31 am

I think it’s admirable what you’re doing.. taking your time to help people and trying to answer and reply the messages as well. I have a 2 years relationship on and off.. the breakup was never mutual. The first breakup was my fault and i already did my part of fixing my behavior. The second one was because he felt that i deserve better. I am years older than he is, so he began to feel the burden. He said he tried to do the best he could but his life is not taking shape just yet so he think that i would have to wait for a long long time and that the fact that i never demand anything from him is all the sae burden for him.
2 months after, (i used the techniques above btw) we met and the second meeting it was like a water flowing through the gate.. all feelings were back that night, for both of us.. but he still have that burden and he said he just wanted to be friends. But of course it is not like that, before we know it., it was like a relationship all over again with some restraints from his part (he didn’t call me baby or anything so i would know that we’re just friends). Anyway, a week ago.. he said he couldn’t do this anymore because it’s like giving me false hope, and he said that he regretted that day we met because if we haden’t met.. i would’ve move on by now rather than stuck in this pointless relationship.. yes, that’s what he called it.. a pointless, no future relationship. we never fight even once since the meet up, and he said often to me how good i am and thank me for being that nice to him. He often complimented me of how beautiful i look and how hot he thinks i am. He said that he knows how much i’ve changed, but it doesn’t change his decisions. It breaks my heart all over again.
So right now i don’t know if i can apply this techniques again..

admin

July 19, 2013 at 1:51 am

Well, I like to take things one step at a time.

I think right now emotions are running really high on both sides. You may be able to use the techniques above again. HOWEVER, I think you will have to enter into a longer NC period.

Renee

July 17, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Thank you for your article. My boyfriend and I were together for about four months and we broke up a week ago as he says he’s “not ready for a relationship and needs some time right now.” I told him I loved him and he said he cares about me but can’t reciprocate the same feelings and couldn’t be 100% in the relationship like I was. We had a few fights due to my trust issues and I think he felt as though he couldn’t be free to live his life freely while being with me. He keeps giving me wishy-washy responses such as “we need to be separated right now,” “I don’t want to mess with your feelings,” “I can’t tell you what the future holds for us but I know I just need my time right now.” It’s all very confusing. I’ll admit that I contacted him too much the first few days and haven’t been giving him his time. But I have not reached out the past few days and hope that I can do the NC 30 days. I’m absolutely devastated to lose him though and am hoping so badly that he’ll figure things out and want our relationship back. What do you think?

admin

July 17, 2013 at 7:32 pm

Right now just focus on 30 days NC. You should be A-Ok.

Kathryn

July 17, 2013 at 6:41 pm

I am just beginning the text your ex back series. He told me that he wanted to just be friends with the hope of getting back together. He wants the feeling that he had at the beginning of the relationship. Now i had us go on a break a couple of months ago and he did and now he says he still wants to spend time with me but just as friends. At this point should I still ignore his phone calls and texts even though i agreed to be just friends? Also his birthday is August 3 and I already spent money on a party. Can I still contact him about that? Do I still have to start the 30 days over after that encounter?

I’ve thought about the reason that he is doing this is bc I always complain about him not doing the little things and he is finally seeing it and taking it seriously. He wants to be a better boyfriend and he thinks he can do this by just being friends, At a time I might add that is very inconvenient since I just lost my Job. He also said he doesn’t want to see or hook up with other ppl. He says he loves me and all that too. However, he said he can’t stop me if I want to or if I do.

I never thought that HE would be the one to break up with ME. Anyways that is where I am and was wondering how exactly to move forward with the 30 days since I agreed to just be friends that hang out without the physical intimacy and reestablish him to be romantic again. Oh and I bought the series last night after he did it and I was crying. I have not texted or called And neither has he. We are on day 1 of being “broken up”.

Please respond at your earliest convenience.
Ps his stuff is still at my apartment
So in light of my situation I just would like to know what to amend and what to keep doing.

admin

July 17, 2013 at 7:31 pm

Well, you certainly have some complications.

Talking to him- Usually NC is so effective b/c it leaves your ex in perill and wanting to talk with you. So, I would say not to contact him. However…

The Birthday Party- I am inclined to believe that if you spent money and you are the one setting up this party then do it (but if you aren’t an integral part of the party then don’t do it.)

Getting His Things- You can give him back his things which means you can break NC for that. However, you need to make sure your interaction with him is pleasant, simple and short.
Kathryn

July 18, 2013 at 10:04 pm

Thank you so much for the quick response! He has texted me three times but I have yet to respond, once I begin making the initial contact after day 30. How long do you suggest between each text tactic.
admin

July 19, 2013 at 2:03 am

I would say 3-5 days. You can’t start with jealousy texts too soon for example. You have to lead up to the later tactics.

Anne

July 17, 2013 at 12:05 am

Hey! So ive read the page.. Me and my boyfriend broke up 15days ago we had been dating for 8 months, he just stared working so he has been really busy and i have no problem with that i do undestand… But 15days ago he decided to take a break .. He saidthat he didnt have time for us and that it was better if we had somr time apart so i could be with my girlfriends…so i stay calm and said ok..we were still talking for the next few days.. He was initiating the convo.. So i was calm… He past gee days he hasnt started any conversations, so i guessed he was too bussy with work…the problem.is i dont know how to start the right conversation or how to aproche him..can you please give me some tips?? Cant we get back together????how to i ask him how is he feeling and what is he thinking about us without making him feel uncpnfterble?? Help!!! THANKyou!!

admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:53 am

Well, don’t start a conversation with “hey…” that is pathetic.

You want to say something with substance. Something like “Can you believe they are playing that music again? Do you remember when…” Do you kind of get it?
Anne

July 17, 2013 at 12:37 pm

Thanks thats what im trying to do..but how do i know what he feels?…im going nuts trying to figure him out… How much time sould i give him?? Sorry i know im going crazzy i just wanna know if he still thinks we are going to get back together some day….
THANKYOU VERRY MUCH!!!!
admin

July 17, 2013 at 7:17 pm

If I was a psychic I would go inside his head and tell you but I am not so I don’t know if he will eventually want to get back together with you. However, I do know that if you give him time your chances will improve. I say give him a month before you try anything.
Anne

July 17, 2013 at 7:37 pm

Got it ThankYou ALOT!

Francis

July 16, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Hi:

My ex and I of 18 months broke up about 2 months ago (wish I had found your site then!). I implemented NC and he called me after about a month “to see if I was ok.” We talked briefly (10 minutes) and I ended it. Then over the next 2 weeks he sent me a couple of random texts. Then I called him and he told me he was glad we could now be friends (which is not my ultimate goal). By the end of the week we had made plans for lunch, though he did seem hesitant about it. He also told me that he was taking an out-of-town trip with another girl.

I had lost about 20 lbs since the last time he saw me. He said I looked great; we grinned at each other the whole time and he seemed genuinely happy to see me. At the end of our meet-up he told me he would “talk to me later.” It has been a week an I haven’t heard from him. Should I expect to, or was that our closure?

admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:48 am

With some guys you have to be the one to engage conversations.

Maybe you should try reaching out to him?
Francis

July 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm

Ok, so I admit that I am really nervous about engaging, as he is the one who broke up with me because of perceived pressure to get married (the marriage topic was always initiated by him, not me). So my plan was to not act in a way that seemed like I was pressuring him.

However, I am the one who called to ask him out to lunch: like I said, initially he seemed hesitant, but ultimately he agreed to have lunch “the week after next” (the following week being a holiday).

Because he told me he was going out of town with another girl for the holiday, I had decided that I would not call to follow up with lunch–thinking that based upon his initial hesitancy, he would either call if he was interested or not if he wasn’t. He did ultimately call me to schedule a specific date for lunch, about 2 days after the apparent return from his trip.

Like I said, lunch seemed to go well (he gave me a cheek kiss greeting and leaving), but I haven’t heard from him since. Under those circumstances, would you still advise that I initiate further engagement?
admin

July 17, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Wait a little longer in NC before you initiate contact again.

Brandy

July 16, 2013 at 3:22 pm

Hello

I will keep it short as I see that you are very kind and answer everyone! My ex and I had been dating for 7 months. I know that I was wrong. We were fighting a lot last few months about me wanting more time from him. I found your article 3 days after the break up and started the NC period immediately! I also started to work out and hang out with friends. It’s my 10th day now. I just want to ask you if I can change his mind this time and how much chance do I have? Because when we were together I pushed him a lot (esp. the last 2 months). I know that I made him feel that he wanted to be alone and didn’t trust me that I could change. He had been put up with me for some time.

Thank you

admin

July 16, 2013 at 5:24 pm

Hi Brandy,

Well, no guy likes being pushed into a corner so much that he feels controlled. Actually, THAT is a good way to get him to lose his feelings for you.

Honestly, you are doing the best thing you can do right now. Let some time go by and let him work through it on his own. I think as long as you do that you are on the right track.
Brandy

July 16, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Thank you for your reply. I just realized I was too controlling when he didn’t want me anymore. The only thing I can do now is trying to be a new me, the independent one. 🙂
admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:43 am

Hahaha it’s ok Brandy. I think everyone is a little controlling in relationships. It’s almost like you have to be controlling to learn how to not be. That is my experience.

Sam

July 16, 2013 at 12:11 am

My ex and i dated for 5 years, we basically grew up together since we started dating at 14 and broke up when we were 19. It has been about 7 months since we broke up, but i still want him back. Hes my better half, we have so much fun together and he makes me smile. We broke up because things werent going well, theyre was no more spark and he was moving away for university. I feel like we didnt put enough effort into saving something that was good but he said that it was just over, he wasn’t in love anymore. Just recently he has started dating someone he met at school which is heartbreaking for me since we were eachother’s first everything. I miss being best friends so much. After we broke up we were still in our routine of calling eachother everyday to say goodnight and ect (old habits die hard) but now it has stopped more or less. When hes with the new girl he doesnt really contact me but when hes not we still hang out and talk. Is he really over me? Do i take my distances and make myself less available to him so that he will miss me and want me back? Is this a rebound relationship with the new girl? Do i just give up on all the dreams that we had made together? I still love him with all my heart, it hurts me to see him with someone else but even that doesnt make me think less of him. Hes an amazing guy. A little advise from someone on the outside would be nice 🙂 Thank you

admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:32 am

Hello Sam,

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting and that essentially your high school sweetheart has moved on to another girl.

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to give him time for his new relationship to play out. Also, try some new things yourself. Try going out on a few dates with some new people.

You can work on becoming friends again with him after you let some time go by.

Jenny

July 15, 2013 at 5:59 pm

Hi… I love your website and all the help you are offering people. I was with my ex bf for 2.5 years. Everything was really good for a long time. We used to talk marriage and our future all the time. Then one day he just changed and grew more distant. I would only see him on the weekends and it was drive me crazy. I had to always be the one to text him and chase him around. I could feel things slipping away. I’m 32 and he’s 31. Then one day everything just blew up and he just walked away. When the huge fight began I never thought he was just walk into the dark of night. I thought we could work things out. He said things like.. I want to hang out with my friends more…we have nothing in common…I wish I could see you in my future but unjust cant right now. Anyways that night I was upset and then finally I just agreed with him and said bye .. I am not forcing anyone to be with me. I am not happy either and said just go. He turned to me and kissed me and said “I love you” then walked away.
That was 2.5 months ago. I went No Contact right away for about 3 weeks. Then I started texting him very lightly. He always responds.. The conversations were about sports and our mutual friends. Nothing serious. We talked one night for 1.5 hours, I passed a huge exam in my career and had to share it on the phone. Everything was fine. We were catching up and had so much to say to each other. That was 2 months ago. Since then we text all the time. It started off on just weekends and then more random nights during the week. Most of the time I iniate the texting and he responds and we have a long convo about whatever until I sign off and go to bed. Last week it was my birthday so I didn’t contact him for a week to see if be would actually text me Happy bday. He did finally at 9pm. I was so happy.
I just can’t still get a read on the situation. I feel like I am playing chess and getting sick of it. I want him back. I have changed the things I feel lead to the downfall of our relationship. I am in a much better place. I just have NO CLUE how he feels. I feel like I have done pretty good so far but not sure of the next step. Since he broke up with me I feel that he would be the one to want to talk about things now. He does have a communication issues but what guy doesn’t! I still feel like the breakup was just a nervous breakdown for him of some sort and pushed me away for no reason.
Thanks for any help!

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:45 pm

Why did it all change one day? I mean, things were going great and then all of a sudden one day he became distant. Why do you think that was?

Also, it seems like you are just talking about general boring stuff with him. You aren’t doing anything to put yourself in a “relationship” light.
Jenny

July 16, 2013 at 1:30 am

How can I put myself back in the relationship light without getting hurt again? I feel like if I do that I’ll get rejected all over again. I’m just happy he is responding to my texts. I feel like I’m moving in baby steps!
admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:33 am

Whats up Jenny!

If you don’t feel comfortable going faster than baby steps then by all means DO NOT go faster. In fact, I would say that going in baby steps is much better.
Jenny

July 18, 2013 at 4:39 pm

Thanks for all your help. I’m 3 days back on No Contacf. Baby steps for me. I’m sure ill be back needing more help. All the sudden I felt a since of urgency on this whole thing. I guess there is no need to rush things. He clearly isn’t where I am and doesn’t miss me. I feel like the summer makes things harder for me and easier for him!
Jenny

July 17, 2013 at 5:19 pm

Thanks! I decided I’m backing off again. I’m not contacting him about my suggested meeting. And I’m pretty sure he won’t iniate contact about it considering he wasn’t all warm and fuzzy about meeting up with me. I feel like I have done a good job trying to plant a seed and get back into his head atleast with all my texting. But then again I’m not sure if I am wasting my time. It seems like he is trying to give me the vibe he is happy and moving on with his life without me. It’s been 2.5 months since the breakup and since I’ve seen him. I don’t know if I should just give up all together. Maybe he is just happy with his decision to end things. I don’t know anymore! Or should I continue on with my baby steps.
admin

July 17, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Trust your gut. If you think you should back off, then back off. If you think you should continue with baby steps then do that.
Jenny

July 16, 2013 at 4:42 pm

I actually sent a text last night asking of we could meet up in person like civializsd adults and I got the response “I guess. I don’t know what would be uncivilized about it”. Then I said ok let me know what your schedule looks like and the response “this week is tough. Maybe Sunday . Gnight”
I feel like this may have been a bad idea and don’t know of I can actually go through with it. I can’t even imagine what I would say or how I would act. And I already have a bad vibe!
admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:44 am

Ok then,

Don’t do anything if you aren’t comfortable doing it. Maybe you just let some more time go by and let him calm down a little bit.

Jen

July 15, 2013 at 5:42 pm

So it’s been a month tomorrow since my ex bf broke up with me. We still had some contact the first couple weeks but obviously resulted in horrible arguments and led to completely no contact. On Thursday it will be two weeks since any form of communication he hasn’t tried texting,calling, or anything. Should I be worried? Is he even caring at all right now that there is no contact? I feel like he would have tried by now.. What do I do if he doesn’t try and contact me at all in the 30 day no contact?

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:42 pm

Well, you contact him. Did you read this entire page? The no contact rule is only step one of this process.
Jen

July 16, 2013 at 12:09 am

Yes I read it, so wait two more weeks then contact? Him?
admin

July 16, 2013 at 12:21 am

Yup
Jen

July 16, 2013 at 12:15 am

I say that cause the first two weeks of the month we’ve now been broken up we were still talking off an on

Elz

July 15, 2013 at 10:03 am

hello, I would really appreciate it if you could reply to me as I am really confused.
so me and my ex broke up 4 years ago (he just stopped talking to me and doing things to hurt me)and shortly after he started getting close to “friends” of mine and basically messed them around like he did to me, except even more mean. so I stopped talking to him for ages (more than 30 days) and I eventually saw him around 9 months later after no contact. he had been flirting with a “friend” of mine and we were all at the same house. he couldn’t keep his hands off me!!!!! literally dragging me on top of him even though I told him to get off and the girl he was flirting with was sat there in front of us! (I felt smug cause she got what she deserved for stabbing me in the back and being a terrible “friend”)so at that point I was convinced that he wasn’t over me but I had no intention of getting back with him because he hurt me so badly before (I was 14, he was my first love)so I made no contact with him after that event. then I got a new boyfriend but I didn’t tell my ex because I wasn’t talking to him.
a year goes by and I see my ex again (he turned up at a mutual friend’s house, knowing I was there with my new boyfriend)and he is trying to talk to me and stare at me but I am not responding at all- staying close to my new boyfriend and not making eye contact with my ex. I could tell my ex was very jealous- my new boyfriend is very attractive and my ex is the jealous type anyway but I didn’t care about his feelings. a WEEK later my ex gets together with a girl he’s been flirting with for a while (coincidence?)
so I don’t talk to him for 2 years and during this time he breaks up, and gets back together with his new girlfriend a few times but me and my new boyfriend are going strong. then I see my ex out of the blue and my heart starts racing and I become very uncomfortable and stressed until he leaves.
at the beginning of this week I decided to message my ex on facebook just to say ‘hi’ or whatever cause I don’t want to feel so uncomfortable around him anymore if I do see him (clearing the air, so to speak) and he is veeeeeerrrry nice to me and talks about the past and all the “good times” and i’m pleased that he is nice to me cause I want us to be friends again…..but then after a few days of casual chatting I had to go near to where he lives to drop off my current boyfriend at a friend’s house and I said to my ex ‘if you want to come see me, that’s cool with me, if you don’t want to then I won’t be offended’ and he says ‘depends what time dude :)’ so I told him what time and he says ‘could do, i’m in the area chilling with some friends’… so I waited to see if he would turn up……he didn’t …… then I got home and he hasn’t bothered to message me or anything…and then a few days later I casually message him about my night out etc and he ignores me… so what’s going on? he is single now and he seemed like he wanted to meet up so why go cold? I didn’t get angry at him or anything when he didn’t turn up- I was kind and acted like it didn’t bother me. please help me 🙁 I want us to be friends but I don’t know if we can because he is acting like an arsehole for no reason. (yes I do still have some feelings for him but I don’t want to get together cause I know he will hurt me, but in my heart I find it hard to let go)thank you

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:49 pm

Honestly, to me it seems like he is messing with you and it is really mean.

Ignore him for a while and focus on healing from him so you can move on with your life.

Nikki

July 15, 2013 at 7:37 am

Hi there. Here is the thing with me and my ex. I chased him for almost 6 months before he actually asked me out. We were kind of best friends with benefits as you could say. Well in May he decided that he would ask me to be his and I had been wanting that for 5 of the 6 months, so of course I said yes. About a month into our relationship I started having nightmares about him cheating with his ex and new girls. I confronted him about my issue and he told me to get it out of my head that he was a grown man and that he would never cheat on someone who treated him so great. After that my dreams went away. But then a week later they came back, this time I didn’t address the situation with him because it was going to be the same thing. This time however I did start watching him to see what he would do at work (he’s a tattoo artist and I was his apprentice – being there at the shop with him I was able to actually watch him) Nothing seemed out of ordinary but by that point he knew I was watching him. He told me before that he didn’t like feeling like he was being watched.
On top of all this I fell ill with ovarian cysts and he would take care of me. I would tell him almost everyday I was in pain. After awhile I knew he started to feel like he was taking care of me and not being equal with me. I didn’t want that to happen but I really was in pain all of the time.
At the beginning of our friendship and our relationship I would receive messages from him every morning saying that he loved me and good morning. These messages started slowing down and I could see he was talking to other people before he was talking to me. I told him I was very appreciative of those text messages and that I really missed them. Well one thing lead to another and he was saying that I was still watching him and that he didn’t like that. He kept going on and on about not having privacy anymore. I fought back with him, which now I know was very wrong for me to do. The next day I found porn(which is a big no no in our relationship) when I went to download a picture for a tattoo he was doing so I did a little research (history, pictures, etc..) and found that he was looking at a girl who was a stripper on facebook. I was very upset and confronted him about it, he didn’t lie about anything and confessed all of it to me and said it wouldn’t happen again but he also said that our relationship was on very rocky terms and he didn’t know where we were going with it. That changed it all for me. I instantly snapped out of it because I knew I would lose him if I continued to be the way I was going I would be without the man I loved. A few days went by without any fighting in fact we were happy and were trying to make things better.
Friday rolls around and there was a lady who comes in for a tattoo on her ankle of her daughters nick name and mom. She is very out there and was flirting with my ex. She gets up for a smoke break and I expressed my concern of her flirting and he said nothing would happened. I had to get a ride home early that night, so I left when he was still tattooing her. He finally texts me at 12 saying he was done with her tattoo and that he missed me very much and that he was on his way home. We talk almost up until 12:30 when he stops replying to my messages. Then at 6:30 in the morning he says he fell asleep and that he was sorry. The next day I go to work with him. He takes me to lunch. Throughout the day he seems very distant. Then later that night he takes me home and kisses me. We had had plans for me to stay with him at his house that night to discuss a feeling that I was having which I will say below but he said his roommates get weird about me staying there all the time so that was off.
Then I text his daughter to ask her to go through his phone for me to see any random texts from anyone and she finds one that says that they could hang out later, so she screen shots the conversation and sends it to me with the number attached. I called the number and it was the lady he was tattooing the night before. I told her I was his girlfriend, that I didn’t appreciate her talking to him and that I would really like to know details. She tells me he and her talked all night long (hence the 6:30 text) and that he had kissed her before she left the tattoo shop. I was furious so I messaged him and told him I found out and how could he. I was very hurt by the situation and still am.
Now here is the kicker. I started blacking out, cutting, and drinking I admitted myself to the hospital for mental help. They then told me I had miscarried and admitted me to a better facility where I would be watched. I hated myself. I didn’t tell him until I could face it myself. While I was in there I kept very minimal contact with him. A few hi’s, how are you’s, etc… We didn’t stop talking after I go out and have been well a couple of nights ago he got an infection in one of his tattoos he got from a friend, so I went over there to take care of him. I ended up having sex with him. I’ve wanted him back since before I went to the hospital and told him a few times. Now here is the tricky thing, he has told me he misses me and that he loves me but i need to get things on track before I could think of a relationship with him again and that we should just be best friends like we were before we date. That right there gives me hope that there is a chance.
My situation is really difficult for because I don’t want to make him think that I am not a good friend like everyone else has. But at the same time I want him back as my other half.

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:51 pm

Nicki,

I am going to be honest with you. I don’t think you should be trying to get this guy back. You could do so much better.

Why is it that you want him back?
Nikki

July 16, 2013 at 12:20 am

The reason I want him back is I am weighing all of the bad with the good, the good over weighs the bad. He treated me like a queen. Cared for me when no one else would (I come from a very horrible family). He would buy me things when I needed them. He was willing to teach me his craft (tattooing). Plus I fell in love with his family. His little boy called me mommy a few times and his daughter would tell me things that she could tell no one else. I was with him almost 24/7. I had never loved a man that was this much older. He is 43 and I am 22 but I never look at his age I just saw it as me falling for an individual who knew what he wanted out life. I think of myself as very different from today’s generation i have older beliefs. I have never acted 22, in fact people often mistake me for 30 (not because of my looks in fact in that department I am actually the complete opposite and people say I look younger haha).
admin

July 17, 2013 at 6:34 am

Very cool! It sounds like you have a pretty good reason.

However, you always have to be careful in situations like this. I would say go No Contact for now.

Cheryl

July 15, 2013 at 3:02 am

My ex has been gone 1 week today. We first met Feb of last year. We decided not to date and be friends since I was looking for a relationship and he is self proclaimed “emotionally unavailable.” We met for a lunch a few times, at a baseball game, out with friends for drinks, etc. during the next few months. Then, he picked me up for lunch one day and told me his ex-wife was moving to another state and taking his young boys with her. They have joint custody and after arguing about this for a couple of weeks, he gave her his blessing. His plan was to finish up the school year (he was a professor) and sell the house, and join them the next year. We were attracted to each other and became good friends, and decided to explore what was between us last August. We tried the casual thing for a couple weeks and it was just awkward. We decided to stop all romantic things between us and to just be good friends. This was our downfall. Over the next couple of months we hung out 3 -5 times a week and became really close. Things naturally progressed and we entered into a monogamous relationship. Knowing he was going to move 1200 miles away in a year. We spent as much time together as we could, and the time for him to move had come. We had a rare connection (we are both divorced in our 40’s and had dated a lot) and a beautiful friendship. He would tell me he loved our connection, he loved kissing me, he loved my eyes, he loved my voice, my smell, my touch, etc., but never said “I love you.” It has been hard on both of us. He quit a job he liked and said goodbye to many people. He had his own business on the side and is going to try to build this in the new city. He is with his boys and they are the most important thing to him. We spent the last 48 hours he had here together and both cried that he had to leave. He has been in contact and I have responded. I would like for him to realize I am the one for him and want me there. I know men have their “missions” they need to take care of and there is no chance he will have room for me until he has established himself there. My question is should I just continue to be his friend and tell him I miss him too when he text, or should I follow your advice and do the NC? We have always kept the friendship as the most important part of us, and I’m not sure what is the right thing to do now.

Thanks for your time!

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:23 pm

Well, in my opinion his boys are the most important thing to him and nothing will trump that, not even you as his moving away has proved.

Honestly, you have nothing to lose doing No Contact but I have a fear that the only way you can get him back is if you live close to where he lives but that may not be practical for you.

Sarah

July 14, 2013 at 11:01 pm

Okay, so I’m starting to wonder if I want to ask my boyfriend to get back with me. He and I broke up around seven months ago.

Story is, he and I have known each other since I was nine and he was ten (I’m 20 now) and we’ve always liked each other. We know each other because my dad used to preach at his church, and the moment I saw him, I was pretty enamored by them (for a nine-year-old, anyway). He was the same way towards me. When I was eleven my family moved from Kentucky, back to Georgia, where my family is still located. At thirteen or fourteen he and I finally admitted our feelings for each other, but because of the distance he didn’t want a relationship…so, we got stuck in an in-between relationship, which ended up with me getting hurt. I ended things with him at 16, and got into a real relationship with a local guy. That lasted for a year and a half, and we got engaged. But the guy turned out to be abusive, and I left him.

Me and my friend began to talk again, and in the fall of the next year I was up at a school in Tennessee, and in September he told me that he still liked me. I didn’t give a real response until a month later, and he and I decided to try a long-distance relationship. I know these are hard enough, but I was still dealing with depression from the previous relationship. On top of that, my ex is an incredibly busy person. However, he is very kind and treated me really well. He really wanted me to be happy because he knew what I had gone through before. When he realized I wasn’t happy (mostly because of myself), he said that he thought it would be best if we broke up. He said that he didn’t want our relationship to be better than my last one, he just wanted it to be good. But we agreed the night that we broke up that if we were still single after I graduated, I might consider moving to Kentucky to be with him.

So, fast-forward seven months later, I’m over the abuse, I’m happy, and I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting. I realize now that, when I was with him, I was extremely paranoid and just not ready for a relationship, at all. I know that it made him think that he was a bad boyfriend, and I think he has a lot of guilt from that–which I’ve tried to undo by telling him what a great friend he is since we broke up. I’m in a place now that I feel like I understand how busy he is (especially as a French-Major going pre-med), and that I would be able to support him and be the understanding girl he needs. I want to talk to him about this.

The problem I see is that I know he probably thinks that he and the distance were the problem. Obviously the distance is an issue, and there’s no denying that. But what brought us apart was my insecurity, and I’m absolutely sure of it. I don’t want to try to “convince” him, or “make him” want me back. I just would like to present this to him and see where he is at, because I have no idea. And I would like to take another shot at things with a guy that wants the same things out of life as I do. I might have a shot. I know he still has memorabilia from since we were kids, up until our relationship. Haha. I want this to work and I know it can. I just don’t know whether I should wait and see what happens during the rest of my college career, or talk to him about this in a month or so after some thought.

Advice?

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:18 pm

Sarah,

Sorry for the late response. I took the weekend off and am just now getting through the comments.

I read your story and you are absolutely right, the distance will be a problem but maybe you can get around it. When was the last time you talked with him?

paula

July 14, 2013 at 8:50 pm

Well my boyfriend and I broke two Weeks ago. We dated for two months. During the last week of our relationship we had so many arguments where he finally said that I was totally immature and too childish for him to . Also He was really,stressed out with,so,many,other stuff he had to do as well. I,haven’t texted or called him after he broke it off. but I honestly Miss him so much. I read this blog right after the break,up and adapted the ‘no contact rule’ as step one. I keep my social network profiles updated all the time too. Yesterday I was at an event . And to by surprise I saw him. I never expected him to come there. His presence shocked me . We crossed each other so,many times but I always had that no contact rule in my mind. I had so many friends there so I totally ignored him and concentrated on my friends. Even he ignored me. I thought everything was going right until I came home and checked his status update on facebook ‘ never gonna settle down for someone not Well my boyfriend and I broke two Weeks ago. We dated for two months. During the last week of our relationship we had so many arguments where he finally said that I was totally immature and too childish for him to . Also He was really,stressed out with,so,many,other stuff he had to do as well. I,haven’t texted or called him after he broke it off. but I honestly Miss him so much. I read this blog right after the break,up and adaptegood enough anymore ‘ . Please help me. This isn’ t working out, is it ?

admin

July 15, 2013 at 11:13 pm

Hi Paula,

Your comment is kind of confusing. Do you have a specific question you would like to ask?

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