How Long Should I Wait Before I Contact My Ex? Exact Time Frames Detailed

109 thoughts on “How Long Should You Wait Before You Contact Your Ex?”

Angela

October 24, 2019 at 1:21 pm

Hi Chris.
The last time my ex and I talked was on August 9th but I sent a text message to him on August 13th and he didn’t reply. We haven’t talked since then and its been over 70 days. Do I still have a chance to start with him again?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 24, 2019 at 8:38 pm

Hi Angela, so we advise to speak before 66 days are up because of the way habits are formed. But you need to reach out with a text about his interests and rebuild your connection with him so that you can work your way up the value chain again

Michelle

September 9, 2019 at 11:53 pm

Hi Chris,

I had been dating this guy for 3 months. He’s a medical school student so he only has free time on the weekends. On top of that we live 2 hours away from each other and he doesn’t have social media. He recently ended things for reasons like being busy with school, wanting to be more selfish with his time, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted relationship wise. Which confuses me because we had been dating as if we are boyfriend and girlfriend already. I feel like he is stressed about a big exam coming up and that is what triggered the break up. But i just don’t know. The break up was very amicable but I don’t see him to be one to reach out to me during NC. Anyway, since he doesn’t have social media how can I “prime” him or make him want me if he’s most likely not even creeping on my social media?

Shaunna

September 12, 2019 at 9:08 pm

Michelle, follow the program and you will have your best chance of getting him back

Mark

September 8, 2019 at 10:39 pm

Every time I told my ex she said well we’re not going to live together until my sons school you know if you want to take a break and see how it goes and I didn’t want to take a break I said I care about you I’m not looking for anybody else in this weekend coming up for about a year. And then last week I didn’t hear from her all day and I wasn’t meaning I know I don’t know I know she had an abusive relationship before but all I was meaning was I don’t mean to bother you and I think she took the bed and the Saturday that done at three Saturdays ago I said and don’t mean to bother you she got up I guess you have a bent out of shape about it and then I just told her I missed her that Sunday and she’s like well we can take a break if you want because it’s gonna be a while before we can we can do anything I said I care about you she said if you have me a lot of things to think about I said think about what we’ve already talked about getting married and I said when I’m not with you and really miss you and I really care about you she said you know let’s take a step back and then she seem like she was trying to break up the whole time and I didn’t understand that you know it was like I do not care about this woman deeply and I never loved anybody . And I told her and I feel silly for it and tell her and as I said sometimes when you’re not around when I don’t hear from you that it hurts and she said love should never heard I said we both been divorced for so you know and she said well we need to take a big step back and you know Ann I didn’t understand that and Internet spotlight on her set up an iPad not on purpose I just put an Instagram account out and found one Instagram because she was in my phone contacts and I found 115 of the websites and she has an app called stocker and I eat all her accounts are locked so it’s not like I could get into them but it’s like I care about this one and I’d want to get creeped up on me she said before the break up before the last guys were texting a little bit and she said that that I was it was a pity party that he would you know it it is like she’s mitigating how I felt that wasn’t missing heard it was a pity party and all she heard she said all she heard my voice before I hung up with pain and sadness and it wasn’t it was just missing her there was a pity party just like Rex husband and I did want to remind her of her ex-husband and then she said the day before that it was me trying to make her feel guilty because I said I didn’t want to bother you or I was bothering you it was just me that’s just how she made me feel so is there any way this is going to be resolved and she’s already got in I think she’s already got a new boyfriend I’m not sure but I wasn’t sending her any messages on anything and she blocked my thing on Instagram we weren’t even friends on Instagram I didn’t even know she was on all these accounts so you know on her accounts are private so we went I wasn’t sending any messages but she knows that I found her on some accounts so you know I wasn’t stalking her but I just want to know why she was so angry with me because I really did care about this woman deeply and I felt like To me it just felt like she went out of her way to be angry at the break up and I’m just tell her that I cared about and want to be with her and she kept for time she said it was a pity party and was just like Rex husband and all that I was jealous of her friends and her and her life and I’m like I know we’re not living together but I still wanna hear from you and be with you and I was you know so her leaving me and she said take a big step back and she’s already blocked me on her phone and you should not be an Instagram and also it’s like I’m I’m pretty sure it’s over but it is in I’ve had break up before but nobody none of them hurt like that and I don’t know I feel like maybe I should just let her go and she told me that you know it’s you know let’s go she was trying to break it up and see make sure trying to break it up easy so what is your advice is completely over

Shaunna

September 12, 2019 at 9:34 pm

Hey Mark, complete your NC and work on being Ungettable. Read about being blocked by an ex and what to do using social media. She will check in on your page even if you are blocked there are ways. You need to work on your value chain once your NC is over 🙂

Joe

June 20, 2019 at 8:39 pm

I’ve been in no contact with my ex for about 4 weeks now but due to some social media conflicts we had to talk due to people messaging me about a video and he showed me this with no hesitation even though he had already split up with me. I have made contact recently just saying would you like to go for a drink when your free? He did reply straight away and said he is ok for a bit but thank you anyway. I’m a little confused by this and was hoping you could help.

The break up scenario is I said something to him which I cant remember and he is holding on to this 1 word but he never said anything to me till 3 days after the event. We were chatting in between this period but tempers were flying and he is very stubborn person so am I but I have broken down my stubbornness. And accept the breakup and doing new things with friends and having a good times.
Briella

June 1, 2019 at 11:26 pm

Hi Chris,

I was going on day 9 of no contact when my ex texted me “I got my karma so you can feel better” and then we texted a little about this issue he was having. Two days later, today, I reached out to see is the issue resolved and we caught up a little. Should I go back into no contact for now since he definitely does not seem ready to jump back into anything? Or should I continue to try to start conversations every once in a while? Thank you!

Chris Seiter

June 1, 2019 at 11:39 pm

Hi Briella….so I think it would make sense to return to NC. Check out my Program (EBR PRO) to learn more of the details!

.

February 18, 2019 at 12:36 pm

Thanks Chris.
Do you recommend extending no contact if it’s not the first time to break up? And I feel that I haven’t been as active in improving myself as working takes up a lot of my time. I have been more active healthwise etc but its still hard some days to be active on social media. I don’t want it too look too obvious if I start posting too many posts.. what would be your take if one of the reasons was that he found the relationship boring and didn’t get excited about things anymore? Can situations like this still be salvaged?
.

February 17, 2019 at 12:22 pm

Hey guys,
I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years and it just recently ended. I’m in the middle of NC (day 11 to be precise) and I’m not sure if I need to make it longer in my particular situation. If it’s not the first breakup, would you suggest extending it for longer? Does it depend on the reasons for the breakup as to what length you do it for? Im giving up hope as time passes as I feel he isn’t thinking about it and is set on moving on. I’d also like to mention he will be leaving the country for 6 months in may and I feel that time is against me as I think I won’t have a good chance at re-establishing contact as it would be very limited while he is over there. I know that as time goes on and it’s been a few months the chances get much lower. Have you any advice on how to approach this type of situation?

Chris Seiter

February 17, 2019 at 11:04 pm

Hi Lisa!

I know recent breakups still sting. 4 years is not an insignificant period of time. Indeed, that length of time could later play to your advantage given the roots laid down. 21 to 30 days seems to be a sweet spot for a lot folks. I hope you have my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it serves as a comprehensive blueprint of how to proceed.

Marcie

January 26, 2019 at 5:53 am

Hi Chris! Definitely picking up your book ASAP! Would you pretty please give me some personal advice?

Our relationship ended because I lied, I told a terrible lie and I hurt both of us. I apologized, 3,000 times, he forgave me, or so he said, but in the days following things just fell apart. We ended it and tried to stay friends, biggest mistake, I know. I was very emotional, very. I did some pathetic things like telling him how I still felt.

He was starting to push away. I started to get my emtions under control, at least as far as he could tell. He wanted a week break with no contact, I respected that. Then we spoke 2 days and then I took a week break. I told him & then I disabled social media. When I came back he had blocked me. I contacted him and asked him why, he accused me of doing something I didn’t do. He told me to forget him, act like he didn’t exist.

Aww, but then I acted pathetic. My first response wasn’t too bad, but my 2nd was anger & defense, my 3rd was begging him to talk to me. None worked. He never answered me.

He may have blocked my emails for all I know. I am devastated. I was accepting the fact that we weren’t together but we were great friends and that’s the part I miss the most.

So to summarize, he has cut all contact. If I wait, 45 days, is it too pathetic to contact him again? Just ask how he’s been? Or how should I do it? Or should I just never contact him again?!?

He did cut all contact out of anger. Is it stalking to contact him again? If I do should I use another form than email?

I’m blocked from social media but that of course doesn’t mean I cant find a way.

Please help!!

Chris Seiter

January 27, 2019 at 3:13 am

Hi Marcie! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Plenty of people make mistakes….on both sides. Pick up my eBook (485 pages) so you can get up to speed on how to proceed as there are so many details I can’t cover here. But I wouldn’t recommend 45 days for your NC….maybe 21-30 days.

Marie

January 3, 2019 at 3:23 pm

Hi Chris,
Do these timeframes apply if your ex was in a rebound? My ex’s rebound occurred a month after our breakup and lasted a little over a month, it seemed like “a pretty serious relationship” so I didn’t bother messaging. I haven’t been in contact with him due to this in about 60 days. Last night, my ex messaged me 3 times. He had been broken up with his ex for approximately ten minutes, according to Facebook. I was really hurt how he messaged me as soon as the breakup occurred and felt quite used, so I haven’t replied to him yet. I’m not sure if I should stay ignoring him any longer having not heard from him in approximately two months. I personally don’t want to message him for another while due to my anger right now. What should I do? Thanks for any help you can give me.

Chris Seiter

January 3, 2019 at 11:13 pm

Hi Marie….good question. So yes, the dynamics are different if your ex was in a rebound. Perhaps takes a bit longer, but sometimes the guy needs to go through the experience to see the picture in a different way. Let let your anger settle down and you will be able to think about all of this more logically. I’m inclined to suggest you respond, but move slowly as he has a lot to show you.

Kiara

December 19, 2018 at 2:27 am

Me and my boyfriend were together for two year and we recently broke up for the second time. He broke up with me 6 months into the relationship and the. We ended up getting back together and then we reach two year and we broke up and again. I can honestly say I was very clingy and we argued a lot. I basically moved in with him 6 month ago and after we got into a huge argument, he asked for break after a week went by and he could not give me an exact timeline of when he want this break to end. I call him and we ended up breaking up. One of our big thing we argue about was his family. He would make time for them but I felt he could not make time for just us. Everytime we hung out , we were with his family or just his mom. I believe his parents may have recommend to him to break up with me . Even though every time I see them they always say how much they love us together. My ex said the reason for the break up is so he can focus on him self and I need to focus on myself. I think this break up might have been final and I’m not sure If these step will help.( please note I am currently doing the no contact rule something I did not do on our last break up)

Chris Seiter

December 19, 2018 at 2:29 am

Hi Kiara…you are on the right track with the NC rule. My Program also gets into how to more effectively manage conflict and avoid fighting so feel free to check out the Premium Pro Package as it covers that in detail.

Vic BB

December 8, 2018 at 10:14 am

I’m trying to do the NC rule but the thing is me and my ex have got a child together, but I’m more focused on getting my ex back then my child. And I’ll admit the breakup was pretty bad and I’m still contacting my ex after 3 months since he broke up with me. He says if I leave him alone and focus on our son and myself he’ll come back one day eventually. He’s also been saying that he was thinking that he made a mistake but due to my crazy behaviour at the moment there’s no chance the situation will improve this him coming back and considering dating me again. He also tells me that if he dates anyone else and gets into a relationship with them I need to leave them alone.

I want to get him back because we were in a relationship for 6 years and engaged. I miss him terribly and I’ll be honest I’ve made some mistakes during our relationship and during the breakup and even now. I believe we have something special.

I really need your help because I don’t know how long the NC rule would apply for me seeing that the breakup was bad and I’ve done a lot of begging and pleading and generally being pathetic. And did a lot of crazy behaviour.

Please help me!!

Chris Seiter

December 9, 2018 at 2:20 am

So 6 years in a relationship is positive as roots get established and allows for things to potentially spring back. Probably 21-30 days would be a good period. Sure, things went down badly, but that is counter reacted by the length of your relationship.

Cherry

December 1, 2018 at 3:18 pm

Hey, i am on a NC rule with my ex but the thing is he has his birthday after a few days. So, if I call or text him to wish him will it break the NC rule? Or should I really avoid wishing him (though it’ll be very rude i guess.)?

Chris Seiter

December 2, 2018 at 2:31 am

Hi Cherry!…..Ummmm usually best to stick with your NC unless there have been multiple positive outreaches by your ex and you are far along in your NC period. My eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” gets into all this and much more!

Curious Nature

November 26, 2018 at 6:17 pm

Hey guys! I hope this warrants a comment answer because I havent bit the bullet on the book yet for reasons lol.

My ex had his life fall apart and became noncommittal (stay friends, begging me to stay, never want to lose me, but won’t date me). It went so far that he wanted a 90 day break hoping we would be on the same page after because I was trying to say goodbye since friends was too painful. A week in I texted and said I didnt know if I would ever lose feelings, and hes not committing, so goodbye forever. Blocked his number for 24 hours so I wouldn’t be tempted back. I have no clue what he said in response to that text.

3 weeks later I texted for car help. He took several hours to answer (a trend he developed at the end), but helped me over text.

2 weeks later I ran into an old mutual friend who reminded me of ex. Turns out I used your memory text to reach out to ex and also said I would be game for a drink at the end of the original break if he still was. He answered in 10 minutes!! Super upbeat using lol and “:)” which he hadn’t done in months, but he still said he would have to see how he felt in January “if that’s ok”. I responded extremely supportive of that (total switch from my old needy self). We sent 2 more texts, and his response time got shorter with each one as mine got longer. I simply didnt answer his last text, also a change from my old self.

Then I found you guys! As it turns out, the 45 day NC takes me a few days into Jan, so I’ve decided to follow that. BUT this is my question. We both know we’re on a break for lack of better word, and we both know it ends in January. Assuming he doesn’t reach out to me, should I stick to 45 days, or should i wait longer since he knows we are NC until then? I’m not in a rush and truly believe it could work out, but that doesnt mean I want to hurt my chances! Thank you 🙂

Chris Seiter

November 26, 2018 at 11:00 pm

Hi there Curious Nature!

Ahh….the “memory” text. It often works. But of course some guys fade in and out of their ex girlfriend’s lives. So when you pick up my epic 485 page eBook you will learn that a vital part of your ex recovery plan occurs right after the NC period is over. Reaching out on your terms and with the appropriate message and tone is very much part of your strategy.

michelle

November 25, 2018 at 8:23 am

But how to build rapport if me and my ex only have 3 or 4 text per day ? he always busy so how the effective way to build rapport with him ?
J

November 24, 2018 at 3:08 pm

Hi Chris.
My situation is one of that very complicated because…almost two years have passed since the break-up. BUT during a year and a half we kept in touch, certain times I had to do NC but we always came to me, most of the time (after the first weird months after the break up) he was nice and flirty. We never met in person since before the break up (LDR).Last times we texted each other we told me things like he was thinking about me, that he was happy with us sharing our connection, he proposed to facetime…And before doing it he told me that it would be better to wait. And..we never talked again. I’m not explaining it all because this would be and endless post but for the last conversation, I couldn’t initiate, it has to be him. I kept being the best version of myself, trying to be the best UG… But he never texted again. It has been our months and the worst is that he didn’t text on my bday (even after the break up, our bdays were important and we always tried to do something special for the other, not a cold “happy bday, have fun” text). I can’t understand how he changed his mind so much. I
And there is that girl who was / is crazy about him since more than a year ago. She tried to get him and she couldn’t, he even ended up blocking her, tired of her constan lies trying to impress him. That happened more than six months ago but lately…that girl is posting certain things in social media, insinuations…Well, she is a liar, my friends always tell me that I don’t have nothing to fear about her but what if she got him? She lives in the same city (ours was a LDR and he moved further a year ago) and I am scared. I have no clues and they’re still “unfriends” in social media, so it has no sense to think that they may be dating but.. I am scared.
I keep trying to be the best UG but it’s not working and I can’t do anything else without contact, and he had never spent four months without texting me until now…I can’t initiate, I am scared.
What can I do?
Thank you a lot
Kay

November 22, 2018 at 1:18 pm

What if BU is almost 4 months and had a good rapport built through text for almost 2, and suddenly he disappears for more than a week? I meant I sent one message last week, and he has not opened it since? What should I do?
Thanks
Tate

November 22, 2018 at 11:20 am

Hi! I was on day 18 of NC rule. My granddad passed away yesterday and my ex sent me his condolences because he know how close I was with my granddad. I replied and thanked for his kind words. Is this breaking no contact? Should I start all over again?

Chris Seiter

November 24, 2018 at 2:26 am

Hi Tate!

I think its reasonable to acknowledge the good manners of your ex. I don’t think you need to hit the restart button.

Nina

November 22, 2018 at 10:15 am

I have the same question as Romy. My ex is not active on social media and doesn’t even have a Facebook account. We live two hours apart, so we would never accidentally run into each other. And we don’t have any friends in common. So he’s completely out of my life now and it’s so frustrating.

Also, he wasn’t even a proper boyfriend. He had just separated from his wife when we met and wasn’t ready for another relationship right away. So we casually dated for six months and developed feelings for each other. After six months I decided that I needed just a little bit more commitment. E.g. Meeting each other’s friends, calling each other boyfriend & girlfriend. And he said that he loved me and that he definitely wants to have a serious relationship with me at one point, but is just not there yet after being married for such a long time. And that he really wanted to keep things casual just a little longer. So I broke up with him. And he cried and tried to talk me out of it and even gave me a little spark of hope for maybe getting back together (He said that he needs to figure things out for himself and he hopes that I’m still there when he’s ready).

And now I deeply regret ending things with him. And I’m wondering if the whole ex recovery program and doing NC even works in this scenario, because it’s so different from all the success stories (not a “real” relationship to begin with, long-distance, no social media connections etc.).
michelle

November 22, 2018 at 5:38 am

Hi Chris, i have already done with no contact period and in texting phase but after 1 week of texting he took so long to text me back but still initiate to keep the conversation going. Often took 6 hours or more is it because i text him so much , should i ask him why he took so long to reply or should i text him again after 3 hours of my previous text ? i didn’t want to appear needy because before no contact period i beg him back

Chris Seiter

November 24, 2018 at 2:28 am

Probably want to reconsider how often you text. I wouldn’t be pushing the topic with him as it might upset the balance of the progress you are making

sam

November 21, 2018 at 7:49 pm

Hey Chris! I had my first contact with my ex yesterday. It was strangely on linkedin to congratulate him for a new job. We had a short conversation, but it was positive overall. I’m unsure of when to initiate my next conversation and in what manner. Any suggestions?

Chris Seiter

November 22, 2018 at 3:50 am

Great job Sam! Just keep thinking small steps, slowly building attraction.

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109 thoughts on “How Long Should You Wait Before You Contact Your Ex?”